STORY 21
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"MEMORIES" Remembering is a difficult journey... But walk it I must. Healing cannot be complete, without walking this path of memories. As best as I can remember,I was abused emotionaly, and physicaly all of my life. By the age of 4, I was also sexualy abused by my father till 18 yrs,when I left home. It may have begun sooner. I'm not really sure as there are many pieces of my memories that are still missing.I have whole years that I am still unable to remember anything about, except the names of my teachers at school.This is difficult for me.Because I am a person who has a almost perfect recall of those things I do remember. And to have whole years missing is difficult. I realize at times writing this...It may appear that I am ramblling. For this I apologize. But as I said, this is very hard to do. I remember,what I think was the first time my father abused me. I can remember the fear and the pain as he did to me things that no child should ever have to endure. But most of all...I remember his eyes. They were squinted, yet stared through me like fire. And all the time he was laughing, Always laughing that strange under-his-breath laugh. I was crying and he put his hand over my mouth, he picked me up and held me outside of our second story window by my ankles. He told me if I made a sound, he would throw me from the window, and tell everyone I must have been playing there. Oh God I was so afraid! As time passed, I began to wish he had dropped me. The pain and the fear were horrible. He enjoyed giving pain.He would do things with things intentionaly to cause pain. I wanted to die! At the ripe old age of 4...I tried to hang myself. Anything to end the daily torture that took place. But I was caught in the act. I told my mother I was playing and got tangled up. I don't know if she believed me or not. I soon came to realize, that no one was going to help me...no one cared. I made a vow. No one would ever see me cry ever again. And for many, many years to follow...no one did. I retreated farther and farther into myself. Always holding back, must be content to watch others from afar. Empty, alone, scared. Not knowing why my fear of people was so intense. I became an outcast to all. So I withdrew even farther into myself, till on the outside I no longer really existed. My fathers abuse still continued and had become worse. Many times I had tried to kill myself...but something always stoped me from finishing the job. It wasn't till much later that I knew what that something was. It was years later, that I began remembering more of the abuse that took place in my early childhood. I had always known of the abuse because of the abuse that was still happening when I left home. But, I had blocked out most of the first 12 years of my life. Much later after I had married and had two children, did the rest begin to come back to me. At first I just began to feel very depressed.(for no apparent reason) Then the dreams began. They were the most terrifying. I couldn't sleep,and was once again begining to withdraw from those around me.My depression got so bad, I was once again contemplating sucide. My husband & I, through a friend of ours started meeting with a pastor who had some experience in these areas. Through these meetings I began remembering more of the past, and the things that had happened. So now where am I today? I have fought many battles of doubt and depression. Satan has tried to make me believe that things could never change. But God says "I am the Lord that healeth thee"! I am still picking up the pieces...Still fighting the battles...But I am not where I was! Nor will I stay here, but will through God's grace, continue to move on. You too can move on. You too can be no longer a victim...BUT A SURVIVOR! Put your hope in God...and He will bring you through this battle. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13 God's promises are rainbows in the night Shining hope inside When shadows cloud my eyes, His promises Are rainbows in the night Guiding through the darkest times God's promises are rainbows in the night by David Meece Pictures colored with your pain, images of silent shame, all the things you thought you had to hide, broken memories you've locked inside... Lay it down Lay it down Come lay it down... WhiteHeart
