greyon
when i was ten years old, i fell in love. not the dopey kind associated with canines but the kind which leaves its mark and changes you as a person. it comes pretty close to being a lifetime. i had it big time.
within the seclusion of a top gun private school, i grew up the seed which fate deposited. it never spawned any mutual feelings, but all the same i take comfort at my strength of keeping it untarnished, true and honest for several years. no small feat, everyone says. there were no indications that i was headed to the doldrums of risks and failures. out of the one hundred doors love lets you choose from, fewer than ten lead to the favorable hapiness you hope. but i followed my heart and went on a hit-and-miss journey.
we were never romantically lniked. never an item. never on. though we both admitted to a week of mutual understanding years ago, it never took off from there. and until now we're still great friends, which i am most grateful for. being her closest confidante of the opposite gender, she shared to me herself which her other friends dismiss and overlook. i had access to a wonderfully crazy mind and stimulating intellect that all the more sent me deeper and deeper.
she had her share of flash-in-the-pan attractions to many other men. openly she would talk to all of her friends about her exploits. don't get her wrong she isn't your easy to get woman. she is everything a man could hope having by his side for life and longer. her qualities are magnified by her charming way of striking ease into anyone's presence and her flaws made her at best attractive and delightful.she has her ways and that's why men gravitate aimlessly towards her.
as we stretched out wings in secondary school, i tended my affection with utmost care and devotion. i eliminated weeds that would rival it and before i knew it, six years have flown by. while she arrayed and dismissed her plums one by one, i made myself pure and ready. i stepped into the being she needs, she wants. from our endless conversations done in honesty, i searched the qualitues for her to love but i never lost myself. i have always had strong belief that one should take another in his entirety, all flaws and humanness included. exactly how i love her.
but all my hopes were pruned when another conversation lately spelled out my true fate. though from the very beginning i have always known that i am gravitating a "never", my world was pried loose the minute those words finally came from her sweet lips. though i've always, always known that, i was still hurt. but i guess that's what you get to match a love so tremendous.
except for friendship, there was just no other way we are linked. in my definition, being romantically linked means having mutual devotion. in my cases, her share of the passion fruit was crammed unto me until my helpings were too much. i was the only one stricken with it. and maybe that's just it. i'm too much.
maybe all she needed was a bouquet of flowers when i gave her a greehouse to choose from. maybe i offered the world when all she wanted was a home. maybe i blew it with the orchestra when all she wanted to hear was a song. maybe she needed a hand to hold on to and not arms to embrace her. maybe i should've never grown those seeds. maybe she hates me. maybe i waited too long. maybe it's too soon. maybe this isn't love. then what is it?
there are a lot of things that i will never find no matter how long and deep i go soul searching. but i'll still keep searching for those answers. i had neither ifs not maybes when i chose to acknowledge this feeling, so i have no reason not to accept what its turned out.
in the space of seven seconds, i had the shock of hearing from her that she does not, chose not, and will never love me; and yesterday she said "yes" to her suitor she hated the day before that in gleaming sunset. how romantic! we promised each other that if we ever find for ourselves lovers, we were the first to know.
i responded to that double stab in an understanding tone like i always do and reassured her my wish that she be happy with whoever she ends up with. though i professed my emotional amours personally, one could just imagine how much impact that held after a week to my confession. it was smooth sailing but soon my world took a tumble.
i distanced myself for very personal reasons, mainly to let their love progress. i'm not possessive. being dearly devoted, i took my bitter pill a million times a day, relishing it's taste for in its pain i am reminded that i still have love, and it wells out of purity and honesty. i have this, all this, for you. i am here. sometimes down the road, i remain miserable but i choose to be miserable. in its darkest, most painful sieges i am assured that the way to hurt only equals mini souls of how much i have loved.
the way my heart screams for the torture to stop, my memory reveals a canopy of affection, a reclusion that no one has acknowledge to build. in its most spiteful moments, i am here, standing, crying out of joy in the miracle that i have loved. i have extended myself to move that its limits, only no one has done the same in return. every time with unreturanble love, i shut down and return to the torture chamber for more lashing, more bleeding, more losing. this way i will never forget how much, how deep, how great, how pure.
no moment has passed without a piece of my mind turned in attention to it. massing everything in a big lump and finding my way around it in every angle. every day, every hour, every passing moment, underneath all smiles, tears, quietness, laughter, thinking, amusement, my mind goes over and over it all. i know someday i will. but i chose for it not to be now. not today. i have everything to take me out of my misery, but i don't want to use any of them.
no pain can ever equal love.
in myself created, self implied start stop world where to cease to function, i pause once in a while to thank the peron whom i love so deeply. in her eyes i have glimpsed happiness. in her hands i felt assurance. in her embrace i have experienced warmth. with her i felt i belong. even in the slightest brief moment my heart touched heaven in all its fleeting joys.
we're still friends and that won't change. though i know i'll someday lose her completely, she will never lose me. in me, she has a home, ready and waiting. call it bitterswwet martyrdom, lunacy, obsession, desperation. love gave me the chances of finding it in the highest stakes and i tried.
when you lose, when the door slams shut in your face, you don't turn sour grapes at it and spew anger at life. when your hope falls to an all time low and the sea closes on you, the fact that you tried will make you stay affloat. when your beloved wishes to break loose from your hopeful clutches, you have no other choice but to let go and watch them drift away.
even if it means a lifetime in the dungeon, i will never deny her rightful happiness. what she wants, i want. where she finds it, i'll be keeping close watch. i don't expect her to turn around and help me out of my misery; love doesnt require it to be returned. once its given, its free. id rather love her solely than have her love me for loving her. its at best offered for no reason.
songs from the radio, situations, words, books, places bring back sweet memories, which soon enough turn bitter. but in understanding that turn sweet again. someday i will be offered with the same piece of devotion i carefully tended, and i will be happy. but for now, i am cold and listless, relishing the feel of the wind, numbing and desolate.
no regrets here.
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