Dear Benjiman:
This will be my 21st Christmas without you here.
Not day goes by that my heart and thoughts
don't go to you.
I Remember the feel of your soft skin.
I remember your wonderful sweet baby scent.
Honey you are gone from my arms but
NEVER FROM MY HEART OR MIND!
In My Memory you Live on!
I Love You Sweetheart
Always and Forever
Your Momma

Merry Christmas 2007 Angel
I Wish For Christmas Memories to share,
But I don't have any
for you did not have any Christmases with me.
They have all been in heaven
I Know Sweetheart that you are surrounded
by so many angels and that you are there
with all the new angels arriving for their first
Christmas and celebrating with those that have been
there for years. Helping to get the message out to
Mom's and Dads who are spending their first Christmas
without their angels! That they are OK, and
sending love to all that are missing them this year!

Precious Benjiman I Love You.
This is your Story Sweetheart.
I Have tried to write this for you for years
and have not done so until now.
not for not wanting to, but for it being so hard
Merry Christmas My Angel My Son Benjiman

Benjiman Brian was Due to arrive July 28, 1986.
In May of 1986 I went into labor and was
life flighted to a hospital over 5 hours away
that was equipped to handle a baby that premature.
They stopped my labor and ran many tests.
They found then that he had a blocked urinary tact,
and only one kidney that functioned, due to the
blocked urinary tract.
There was not enough amniotic fluid around him
which they explained to me was what basically
developed the internal organs.

His lungs were not developing as they should
have been. After my labor was stopped
and they felt I could go home, but was to
return to the hospital once a week for check
ups to check his progress, they began giving
me steroid injections to help with his lung
development. They told me they could promise
me nothing at this point but the longer I
carried him the better it would be for him
and give him a better chance at surviving.



Well I made it to my first appointment
and they did an amniocentesis and stress
tests and various others as well
They told me that his lungs just were not
developing the way that they should be.
They could perform a small surgery where
they would go in and place a stint in his
urinary tract. That could bring about his
early arrival and they felt they could help
him more if i carried him to term rather
then deliver him so soon.

Well the next week came and I went into
labor again. They stopped it and sent me
home again. The weekly visits went on until
Fathers Day when I went into labor yet again.
This time the Dr. told me that if I went
into labor again they would have to let me
deliver for they felt that it was to hard
on the baby.

Sent home again and here I was, with all this
weighing on my heart. Wondering, worrying.
Fearful of all that could still happen with
my sweet lil guy. My appointment for the
week of June 26 found me dilated to 4 and
they kept me.

Benjiman was Born At 2:30 PM the next day.
He was so beautiful of course.
He was very ill. They whisked him off
to Neonatal ICU where he was hooked up to
a ventilator and heart monitors and kidney machines.
The last 4 hours of Benjiman's life
he had 7 heart attacks. After the last one
my Father in-law said to me and I quote this,
I don't remember a lot but these words haunt
me to this day, "Just Unplug Him, I don't want
my son to suffer like this anymore."



He did not want his son to suffer.
What did that mean? My angel was fighting
for his life and he didn't want his son
to suffer". We agreed at this time, the most
difficult choice of my lifetime, to not restart
his heart if he had another attack.

They unhooked my angel from all his machines.
They let me hold him and I did until he drew
his last breath. It was so hard to let him go!
My Father who Is no longer with me
was away on a trip at this time. He arrived
at the hospital, mere hours after Benjiman
left my arms for Heaven!



I was able to see him and hold him.
My Mother who also is no longer with me
said, "Honey but by the grace of God,
you will not have watch him suffer."
oh, what kind of grace is that?
I want none of it.
Two days later I was released from
the hospital and allowed to go home.

Oh, what a word. Home, to a house that
held a room ready for an infant that would
never see it to town. When I last left I
still had hope to bring my baby home with me.
Home.



I Don't Remember much after that, I know that.
My Husbands Parents drove from the hospital
with my Benjiman in the car to the town where
he was to be buried.
Benjiman was buried in his fathers christening
outfit.We had a service at the funeral home .
I had time alone with my son for an hour
before people began to arrive. My Mother
brought my daughter to the funeral.
One of the few things I remember clearly
was that as Tiffanny was brought up to where
Benjiman was lying in his coffin and said very
loud, "Shhhhhhh Gamma Baby Is Sleeping."

I don't remember much else. A few people
walking by telling me it was for the best.
It was God's will and other nonsense that
people issue when they cannot think of
anything else to say! I Remember arriving
at the cemetery and getting out.
I remember stumbling and not wanting
to be there! I was not a strong person
and all I wanted was my Boy!!!

I watched as people walked up to his grave
and put flowers on his coffin and heard them
saying words, of supposed comfort.
It was like I was there but I was not.
That was July 2.



Back then it was not okay to talk about
your baby that was not living.
It was not done and you were not to openly
grieve once the funeral was over.
You were told to buck up, move on and
live your life.

How do you live life when part of you
is gone forever.
My Son was Gone From my Arms,
but to this day he lives in my heart
and he will be for all my days here
without him! Until I am with him holding
him in my arms forever and ever in Heaven!





This is a beautiful and loving gift for Angel Benjiman from my dear friend, Carol, mom to Angel Michael.

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This RingSurf Net Ring is owned by Pammi.
~ My Parents Are Survivors ~ ~ Keeping our children's memories alive ~

Dearest Pammi
Where have the years gone.
But over the years, you have inspired me with your work
and love you have shown to other Moms.
But now it is other Moms to show you our love
as you Remember your Darling Sweet Benjiman.
GOD BLESS PAMMI
Sue-Anne/LEE

This page built with Love By Ann
and "saved" by Maria, Christopher's Mommy.

Maria's Tribute to Christopher