Panda's Pen

July 19, 2003

Dear Blog,
Hello again and welcome back to my psychosis. As usual, I am unstable, but that's okay with me for right now...but it wasn't earlier today. Earlier today I had to go shopping with my parents (oh joy ::waves a flag unenthusiastically::) and as usual it takes them forever to buy something simple. My mom says, "David, go ask the guy...go ask him." as soon as my dad picks up anything. I found myself walking up and down aisle 15 many times trying to find something that might distact me from the a) annoying sound of my mom's voice as she tries to pretend she knows what she's talking about, b) the loud black woman who's about to throw a hissy fit if somebody doesn't come over and help her find the right iron barred screen door, c) the stupid kid ringing the doorbells on aisle 14, and d) the fact that I'm stuck out in the middle of a fucking desert in a heat wave when I could be basking in the sun at the beach.
Destination #2: the AV mall. This, my friends, is a sad, sad place. If you just look at the outside of this gi-normous mall you would think that there were only 2 stores: JC Penny's and Gotschalk's (yeah, I've never heard of it either) However, once you walk inside you see that it's a money-sucking black hole of a mall. Kids running around with their 99 cent store plastic toys, teenagers with metal sticking out of god knows where, adults who, if not prohibited by law would be carrying a 40oz and smoking a pack of cigarettes. All the while there's a jewelry store on every intersection of the mall, hoping to lure in young couples who forgot to wear a condom. Yes, I stood there in the middle of this strange world as it all spun around me and I heard in the distance a familiar voice, "David, let's go to As Seen On TV!" Another 45 minutes of Antelope Valley Hell.

On a brighter note, I found a Cold Stone Creamery. Yup, if you want to find a place that sells food that has high caloric or fat content, just head up here to Landcaster and Palmdale!

Lunch: What I really wanted was a chicken burrito from Baja Fresh and a mocha frappaccino from Starbuck...but my mom wanted what every good AV resident wanted: fat. So, I begged and pleaded for her to let me go to Subway while she and my dad ordered their fat fried in fat. Thankfully I was released for a few moments to enjoy something vaguely healthy. (while walking over there I passed a Hometown Buffet, Hawaiian Burger Grill, and Krispy Kreme Donuts.) Fat, Fat, Fat. But, AH, the sweet smell of warm bread, fresh veggies, classic Subway...my savior. Only the slack-jawed customers waiting in line reminded me of where I was....for a moment, I was away from the heat, away from my parents...and away from the gluttony of the desert. Needless to say this feeling didn't last long. I got my food and rushed over to the Fat-fried-in-fat-restaurant to meet them. It was a strange meal to say the least. The atmosphere of the place reminded me of the cheap coffeehouses and cafes I would eat in when I was younger..my mom for some reason was mumbling everything she said and held a napkin up to her mouth while she chewed. (am I the one going nuts?) She muttered something about doing it because she was japanese...my dad said she learned it in Japan (hey, wait a second...my mom has never been to Japan....). Then they both got bitter and didn't talk to me. I guess I spoke too openly about wanting to complete all my financial aid papers on time or maybe it was after I said it was too damn hot, I don't remember.

The mexican market: Now, this wasn't so bad, except for maybe the mariachi music blaring over the speakers...(which reminds me of nights in Santa Monica where our neighbors in the back would play that until 3 am ... usually the night before I had any kind of test..) I wanted to try some of the pasteries and food that I had never tasted before, but I was still feeling queasy from the fatty fat fat fries I had stolen from my dad. Besides, I have an unexplainable phobia of imported mexican food...maybe it has to do with halloween and not being allowed to eat any of the imported candy. Anyways...we bought our brand name food that we could have gotten at Ralphs or Alberson's or any other grocery store ( but hey, it was an experience) and we drove off towards home with a little detour. My dad wanted to show my mom the onion farms (gee, they tell me that I'm easily amused. So I put my head down, closed my eyes, and tried to imagine I was anywhere else but there. Of course, any time I decide to take a nap or siesta (as Jacob so rightly puts it...) my parents (or rather my mom) jump to the conclusion that I must be pregnant. Laura, sleeping a lot is the first sign that you're pregnant. Really? It's also the first sign of depression but I hardly think I am/have either.

Well, folks the rest of my day wasn't so bad and it didn't start out so badly either. Tomorrow Melody and Jessica are coming over, Pierre and Jacob spent the night last night...and a dip in the pool made both my parents act like normal funtioning human beings.

Love,

Laura

July 9, 2003

Dear Blog,
My life thus far: Sorry I haven't updated in a while...June was completely insane. So, I see that I left off at my parent's 20 year(?) wedding anniversary. Well, that Saturday I had 2 concerts, the band and orchestra pops concerts, which went very well. It was good before it even started 'cause the girl that I hate (and who usually makes my section sound bad) wasn't there ::does a cheer::...on top of that I think both band and orchestra did a pretty good job of playing (especially orchestra since the wind players had been playing all day...uck dead chops!) And finally to make the evening amazing, I won the Glenn Katz Memorial Scholarship (which is, like, THE biggest honor in the music department at SAMOHI). So, yay me. Then after the concert I hung out with Anya, Jacob, Pierre, and my old section leader and friend, Catherine Bennion. = ) I got to try out her new Conn 10D (or is it 11D...I can't remember) french horn, which was really cool..it had a nice mellow tone and like she said, the high range was excellent. So, after that all five of us loaded up into her new Land Rover and headed toward Westwood while listening to the Vanderbilt orchestra play Mahler #1 (you've got to be a music dork to know this one...but it's one of my favorites)

Then next day was my birthday. It started out somber, since my mom was in San Diego and my dad was stressed out about moving...but then I went over to Pierre's house to watch the DVD he gave me (teehee...it's only my favorite movie) and then Pierre, Anya, Eva, and Casey took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant, Il Forno. = ) After eating there, we went back to Pierre's house where Eva got to finally meet his adorable parents and we all got to have some of the best cheesecake in the world =P. Needless to say, I was a happy panda.

The next week was senior finals week and the week of the senior gala concert. Finals were easy, especially Calc ;) (we went out to breakfast at the Broadway Deli) and the senior gala was a huge success. I think everyone played really well at that concert...and Star Wars sounded amazing!!!! Again I was very pleased. Christine and Catherine were so sweet...after my solo they came running up to the stage with a bunch of flowers for me...I wish I could've stayed on stage forever, it was such an amazing feeling to just nail a solo, sure there were some mistakes but for the first time in my life I was really prepared to play through my solo and have confidence. = )

Let's see, where are we now? Oh yes..the move. So the weekend before I graduate the moving people say, well, here are the keys! So the whole weekend my family plus Pierre and sometimes Zach were moving boxes out of the house and into the truck. It took us about 4 or 5 days to move everything out of our house in Santa Monica into our new house in Lancaster. At the time I was just glad that I didn't have to live in a small house full of boxes, but my opinion has changed slightly since then. Anyways...it was long, stressful, and tiring...but we managed to get all of it done before graduation.

Graduation: The ceremony was nice. It was somewhat surreal to be walking around in cap and gown, and to see all my friends in cap and gown. I was sad, more to be leaving some of the teachers rather than my friends, 'cause I know I can keep in touch with my close friends rather easily. I know I'm going to miss Ms. Swenson and Ms. Franke and Mme. Sawaya a lot...but hopefully I'll to see the first two again next year when I visit. (Mme. Sawaya is going to San Francisco to be a professor next year...good luck to her!) I suppose I will also miss water polo a lot...yes I will miss it a lot, 'cause I really liked to play even if I've said otherwise in the past. Anyways, they had us all waiting in a classroom for what seemed like ages, and then we walked in our procession down the Greek and went through the little ceremony. The acts and speeches were okay...although I am still upset that neither the valedictorian nor any of the 3 salutatorians made any speech. Oh well. When I heard my name called and when I moved the tassles from one side of the cap to the other, I had a nice feeling of accomplishment for the past four years. Thinking about high school though, makes me wonder what I actually did. All that energy, and where did it all go? Into some geometric city project, a water polo game, an orchestra concert...but what did it all amount to in the end? Me? I suppose, but all that work and I'm still unsure if I'm prepared for, well, life and college and the world. The older and more "advanced" in the world I become, the more I realize how insignificantly small my life is....and I'm trying to figure out how not to get lost. So ya...that's partly what I was thinking about during the ceremonies on top of, "when do I throw my flower?", "was that Eva's name they just called?", "Can Pierre and my parents see me?" ... etc. So, after the ceremony I went and gave hugs to a few teachers and a few parents...and tried to figure out what I was going to do for the next few hours before grad night. My parents ditched me to go home to Lancaster...so Pierre took me out to dinner at Rebecca's. It was quite romantic. Then we went to the Sweet Factory so he could get some jelly beans (which he now tells me he can't eat...poor koala bear). We saw a junior at his school named Emily (she's really really nice) and she gave us both big hugs and asked us where we were going to school. So that was nice. Then pierre and I went to Anya's house (where my stuff was) and Anya and I got ready for Grad night. I felt so sad leaving Pierre....he has been so sweet and charming and understanding. But Eva came and picked up me and Anya...and off we went.

Grad Night: WOW. It was sooo cool = ) They had everything. From little passport IDs with my picture inside to fortune tellers to karaoke to gambling tables. At first I hung out a little bit with Camille and we tried to sing Ain't No Mountain High Enough...but it was some weird version of the song that we had never heard. Then I went to find Jacob and he came with me while I got my fortune told. Apparently I will retire early and I'm the dominate on in bed (well, I don't know about that, eh Pierre?) I tried to find Eva, Anya, or Casey, but they all seemed to be focused on whatever they were doing so I went and played a few of the games and won some tickets then I went to the beading table and spent about an hour there making3 necklaces and 2 pairs of matching earrings. Then I went and got my hair done in some wacky way. While I was getting my hair done I talked to Sophie and Zoe...Zoe is someone I hadn't talked to in about 2 years! So, that was really nice. Then I went and played games for a long time so I could get something from the prizes counter. Some swing music came on and I ran to the dance floor and found Sean so we could swing dance...I hadn't done it in a while so I was a little bit clumsy. I danced for a while with Casey too. After the boat party was over, everyone got shipped to the Greek where they did the raffle and showed the senior slide show. I was a bit sad 'cause I wasn't in the slide show at all and I know one of the girls who was making it. = ( oh well, c'est la vie. Then there was a big bonfire and I fell asleep on Anya and Jacob fell asleep somewhere next to me...it was just a big sleeping pile. I woke up just in time to see the whole bonfire collapse into itself. By that time the sun was almost coming up and we went to get our diplomas and goodie bags. Eva was saying something about driving up PCH, but the state we were all in made that impossible. Anya and I got dropped off at Anya's house and we rifled through our bags for a while then fell asleep.

The next day, well, evening, Anya and I were off to the Solctice festival. It was just our first night in the hotel, but it was a lot of fun. I'm starting to get a little tired of writing so I'll just sum it all up. Saturday we did Balcan (sp?), Greek, Quebecois, and a little bit of Hawaiian. The next day it was just Greek and then some shopping. yay. At night we walked around the hotel and listened to all kinds of folk music (which was fun) and she stalked this famous teenage fiddler...well, maybe it was guitar or something I'm not sure...and I stalked the quebequois guys (well, it was more, whenever I saw one I freaked and wanted to go listen to them talk. lol).

So, the day we got back from the Solctice festival we also went to Eva' graduation party, which was also a lot of fun. Pretty much our whole group and their parents were there...even pierre's parents. Anya and I tried to teach some greek dancing, but nobody wanted to do it, so we kinda gave up (well, I tried to give up but everyone thought that I was mad or sad or something so they all tried to act like they were interested) Anyways...the rest of the party was fun, eating, playing dance dance...and then mafia (which was okay). Then I had to go home and I was sad 'cause I couldn't spend more time with my friends.

Orientation: After a week of not really seeing anyone (well, Pierre came over once and that was nice), I went to orientation. Next to grad night it was the coolest thing that I went to this summer. I felt like I was at summer camp...we had our groups there were skits and a dance and I finally felt like I belonged at USC. I got my USCard, which is my ID card...my email address, and schedule = ) I met a really cool girl named Claudia who's a music industry major and who's living in a dorm that's near my apartment. After the pep rally, the marching band had me sold, so it looks like I'm going to start doing that, although I'm afraid that I might be making a huge mistake ::crosses fingers:: I really hope I'm not.

The last thing that's happened (well, the last eventful thing) was my little party that I had last weekend. It was my birthday/graduation/fourth of july/housewarming party. I was so happy so see my friends...I missed them so much... and that reminds me of how much I miss Santa Monica. I guess where I live is nice, but it's not worth not being with my friends. So, ya I had a lot of fun when they came. Thanks to Pierre, Anya, Eva, Brent, Eric, Donna, Monica, and Jimmy for coming...it really meant a lot to me = ) teehee...we even got to set off some fireworks.

Well, Till next time, Love, Laura

June 4, 2003

Dear Blog,
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad = ) Today was a very philosophical day for me. Perhaps because I was in a trance from playing my french horn so much...or just because it was one of those thinking kind of days, but whatever the case...I had two very thoughtful ideas. My first one (although it was the second one of the day...) is a project that I'd like to someday create. Every since I visited the Norton Simon museum in Pasadena, I've been fascinated by art. I fell absolutely in love with the brush strokes and the thick oil paint...seeing piles of paint up close and a dramatic portrait from farther away. One day I'd like to incorportate all of this into music. I want to make music and art more interactive...let everyone touch the canvas and play the music themselves somehow, while at the same time letting them get the feel of a traditional art show and orchestra concert. In one show I'd like to have a gallery in the lobby, showcasing whichever era or movement I happen to be infatuated with at the moment with famous artwork. On stage, music from the time period showcased would be played and a new composer would write a piece imitating that time period. an emerging painter/photographer/sculptor/choreographer etc would also imitate a piece of art...I would somehow combine the two into some sort of big "performance art" finale. I would transform whichever building into the architecture of the time period...I guess the goal is to suck the audience in...to make them feel part of the movement. ( I feel like getting a head massage right now...lol) So, that's my plan ::glares:: and you better not steal it !!

The other thing I was thinking about today is whether I am too serious....at what point should I not care anymore? I'm not sure if something I did today was right. I feel that I did the right thing, but I wonder if I should have. I didn't prove any point, I only ended up getting someone mad at me. The thing is, is that I had a good point. So, I guess for anyone to judge whether I made a good decision or not, I should tell you what happened. Actually, you know what? I think you've heard enough about this person, so I just won't write about it...it's partly a bias I have against her, and just me being section leader.

So, this weekend is big. Pierre is graduating from St. Monica's Catholic High School tomorrow evening = ) Congrats Pierre!! Friday night I might go to a movie with Kimberly Shields...so it's our first time together since last summer, and I'm really glad 'cause I really missed her a lot. Saturday is the crazy pops concert day. I'm playing in Wind Ensemble, Combined bands, Concert Orchestra, and Symphony orchestra....wish me luck on getting the Glen Katz award ::crosses fingers:: And finally on Sunday it's my birthday! = ) yay! I'll be 18 =P finally!

Well, I guess that's all the updates...oh wait, prom was awesome! Pierre danced...a lot, even got a little freaky with me at some point ;) after prom was a little disappointing, but getting to wake up next to Pierre in the morning made it worth it. All my friends looked beautiful....especially Anya, I almost cried when I saw her. And btw...Anya deserves every award she recieves. Awards night was fun...I got a $1,000 scholarship from the optimist club, plus a bunch of other honors (like a medallion that I get to wear at graduation). Anyways, I'm going to sleep now...next time I talk to you I'll be 18!

Love you!
Laura "Panda"

May 19, 2003

Dear Blog,
Many new things have happened lately. Last week I started my first job and earned $72 =). C'est très (exciting!) I am a personal assistant for this private music teacher..trust me it's not as glamorous as it sounds. Basically I run her errands and watch her kid. Luckily her son is really nice and helpful (he's teaching me how to shoot a basketball). It's nice because the hours are flexible and it's a pretty low stress job (except the time that I was checking out of the market and my hands were full of money, cards, my wallet, purse, and two cell phones and she called and told me to go buy something else right when I was paying and then I dropped everything...ya, I'm slick ;) ) So ya, that's going well. Then on Friday I saw the Matrix Reloaded with Pierre at the director's hall at the Bridge. = ) We had the best seats in the house, plus the bridge has a huge screen and leather seats. It was a lot of fun (thank you PIerre!!! xxx) I don't really have a favorite part 'cause the action was so cool. I liked this one more than the original Matrix, I thought there was a lot more "thinking" parts...and I know I'll have to see the architect scene many times...as well as that French guy...oh well, if you haven't seen it...guy your butt to the theater!

I guess the next biggest thing that happened last week was Pierre's prom. It was much fun, lol, even the part where I almost didn't get my hair done...(I was about 20 minutes late just because the manicure lady didn't understand english...). His prom was on a dinner cruise ship in Long Beach (the dinner wasn't anything amazing..) but I had a lot of fun meeting some of Pierre's friends and hanging out with PIerre and Laura Murrillo. So, Pierre's parents are really nice and got us a limo, lol, but the funny thing was that on the way to the dance we had a 6 person stretch limo for the two of us. It was actually somewhat awkward being in that big car with only two people...but still cool I guess. At the prom, the most amazing thing happened...Pierre and I started the dancing! lol, it was only because I requested "can you feel the love tonight" and he happened to play it right away, so we went on the dance floor by ourselves and started to dance. Then the DJ announced that the first couple on the dance floor gets straight A's and Pierre's teachers yelled out that PIerre already has straight A's...lol. yup yup....much fun. =)

Congrats to Anya (you go girl ;) ), thank you so much Eva for last week...and I love you too!...in fact I love all my friends, 'cause they're the best and are really caring, wonderful, beautiful people. I'm blessed to have so many great friends.

Love,
Laura

May 11, 2003

Dear Blog,
I laugh at this quiz.

Princeton You're smart, you're thin, you're pretty, and
goddamit, people love you. You are destined for
great, great things, little Princetonian. Let
there be a never-ending stream of Country-Club-
Like institutions in your unmarred future.

Which Ivy League University is right for YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

I need to vent. I can not wait until we move. I am so tired of living in such small spaces, with all the boxes everywhere, nothing is clean, my room smells strange....my mind just feels like it's going to explode. I can't stand living here anymore. I feel like I'm going insane...and I hate feeling so out of control. My body, my family, my house, my school...and money are just completely and utterly out of order. I feel like I am living someone else's life...in someone else's body. I don't think I'm the person everyone else sees.

So, the other day in english class we wrote poems...so, here's what I wrote about. The structure of the poems is from another poem called "autobiography in five short chapters" by I'm not sure who.

High School Music
Chapter 1
From the best to mediocre
It's not what I am used to
I fight it.
I lose.

Chapter 2
From the best to mediocre
A semester down the drain
I pretend to advance, while moving up the ranks
Small, alone and unprepared.

Chapter 3
From the best to mediocre
My eyes open wider,
seeing the possibilities before me.
Questioning, hoping, wondering,
Practicing.

Chapter 4
From the best to mediocre
On top of the world,
With knowledge that I'm not.
I have won the battle in hopes of
Fighting it again.

Chapter 5
From the best to mediocre
I know what to expect
I fight it
I...

Love,
Laura

April 24, 2003

Dear Blog,
Hello...well, lots of things have happened in the last 13 days. My parents are really happy right now because we won't be homeless in a month (whoohoo!!). We ended up finding a house in Landcaster (yes, out in the middle of nowhere) that we could afford and that is actually pretty nice. It has a pool, spa, and built in BBQ with 5 bedrooms and 3 baths. Awesome possum...too bad it's so far away from everyone 'cause it would've been a nice party home. The other thing that's changed in my life is that I decided to go to USC. I'm going to end up carrying a LOT of debt (about $14,000 per year) but in the end I think it's going to be worth it. This summer I'll probably work two jobs out near my house and try and save everything so I can pay for school...and if I have extra, then I'll buy a car. I hope I'll be able to spend some time with my friends because it will be a long time until I see them again. At least I won't be going to school really far away...I can probably see Eva every now and then and Anya if she ever comes down from up north. Pierre, well, I'd better be seeing him ;).

Arg...I don't understand why it costs SOO much money to go to school. It's a monopoly, 'cause everyone has to go to school if they want to make any kind of living for the rest of their lives...but at the same time we're paying for it for the rest of our lives....teehee I'm not making any sense...I'm just upset right now 'cause it's so friggin expensive. Anyways, I don't care...I'm going to go to USC and just forgetting about all that money crap....well, looks like my mom needs to use the computer. Talk to ya'll later.

Love,
Laura

April 11, 2003

Dear Blog,
Time to vent...so if you don't want to hear me complain and whine about my life...please stop reading now...in fact there's no point in reading anything I write because that's all that it is. Arg...I feel so stupid right now. I feel...I feel like Bengy from the Sound and the Fury...just in the way and annoying and completely stupid and helpless. How could I have thought that I could handle BC calculus? What made me think I was smart enough to be in that class? Vainity? Perhaps...or just the false illusion that I actually could figure what the hell math is all about. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to do well in math or science. What makes me think that I should or ever could be an engineer? Who would hire me? no one 'cause I won't pass any of my classes. Arg...well, at least I've accepted my fate before it was too late to turn back. But then again, a large part of me doesn't want to give up the hope that I might be able to some day understand math and physics and all other technology related subjects. I wonder what draws me to those subjects....maybe it's because I'd like to be like the "elite" class of people that I sometimes hang out with...I'd like to talk about things like an intellectual not an ignorant hick. Soon, though, my facade will have to end....people will soon discover (if they haven't already) that I really am a stupid, ignorant, fool.

April 8, 2003

Dear Blog,
"tale as old as time...true as it can be....tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme" yay! this song makes me feel better almost instantly when I hear it. Hmm...I wonder how people can have such different voices...like how does Celine Dion have such a clear strong voice (obviously training must have something to do with it...but there must be some natural talent) and then there are other people who have really weak voices...Hmm...interesting thought I guess. wow...so this week has been the week of sex. First, although I'd like to forget this, on Saturday this guy (I know there are ppl who read this so I don't want to get myself in trouble somehow) was totally looking at my boobs while he was talking to me....and this guy wasn't young either...yuck....gross. Then Sunday Eva had a sleepover and it's no surprise that most of our conversations revolved around that topic. Then yesterday Eva tried to make me sing the "my neck, my back, lick my {...} and my {...}" by Khia...and I said I wouldn't do it so Jovan said that he wouild pay me a dollar to sing it and I did...yes I sunk to that level, getting paid to sing a phrase from a dirty song :::bows head in shame::. ... to be continued...need to go to rehearsal.

Love,
Laura

April 1, 2003

Dear Blog,
Okay...it's time for the world to say, "April Fool's!" Everything is a joke right now. How can I actually be living this right now...it's not real, none of it is. Next year I will be going to USC, I won't have to worry about money, and my family will be living in the same house right now. Everything should be right.

March 31, 2003

Dear Blog,
Well, a few things have happened since I last posted. I got into USC!! Baby oh baby! I was so happy and relieved. Now all I have to worry about is covering the $40,000 tuition fee. As far as the other schools, well, I got rejected from (brace yourself, the list is long..): UCLA, Caltech, Northwestern, University of Chicago, and probably Peabody (I still haven't heard back from them). Sometimes I wonder if I had applied under a different major (one that doesn't require an audition...) if I would have gotten in. Oh well, all I care about is that I get the chance to go to USC. Speaking of USC...I'm going to be playing in the Vince de Rosa scholarship concert on April 10 in Newman hall with the USC horn section!! I'm so excited...the two pieces I'm playing are "Venti" by Jay Chattaway (he composes some of the music for Star Trek) and some other piece (I'm too lazy to go look for the title) by Patrick Williams (I think he's the guy who composes for Alias). Overall it should be a very good concert, and it would be nice to see you all there ;) lol...those few who read this. Actually I've been suprised lately...people have actually told me that they read my blog...people that I would never have expected to...and when I was looking for some info on Vince de Rosa my blog came up...which leads me to wonder who has been reading this...Hmm..interesting.

Anyways...c'est l'heure faire mon devoir. (I love butchering french! :) ) Hopefully I'll give you more frequent updates...spring break seems like a good time