This caused her to respond in anger, and she packed her belongings and left my home within a week. This left me loaded with guilt, because I had never spoken to my mother in such a disrespectful manner, not even as a child.
Shortly after my mother left my home, my oldest brother had a massive heart attack, and I began to feel as thought I was somehow responsible for the heart attack. Because I loved that brother so much, I felt it was God's way of punishing me for being disrespectful to my mother.
Mother went to be close to my brother for the seven long weeks he lay in a coma before the Lord chose to call him home. It was during that time that I called my mother and told her I had forgiven her for the things she had done to me in my late teen years.
Mother just said, "Well, Patricia, there are ten commandments you know."
This only added to the guilt and hurt I felt. From that day and until the first part of September, I kept searching how to be free of the guilt and hurt. I even resigned my position as a crafts and knitting teacher at our church school, knowing with the unrest I felt in my Spirit I could not do an effective job teaching high school girls. I knew my efforts had to be to find out what was troubling me.
Determined to find some answers, I went to be alone with the Lord. I took my Bible, my notebook and the clothes I would need and went to a local motel. I spent many hours reading the book of John and running cross references. The Lord revealed to me that night that I was not to be afraid. He seemed to say to me, I had walked where I had wanted when I was young, (John 21:18) but now He was going to take me through some things which I would not understand, and it was going to be important for me to trust Him, no matter what happened. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Nine days later I was to begin one of the most incredible journeys of my entire life. On that day I had a manic-depressive break. ( Manic-depression is a hereditary disorder of the brain and causes people to have extreme fluctuations in their emotions, going from very high highs to very low lows. Many people will commit suicide while in the depressed phase of the illness if not properly treated. This disorder can be successfully treated with medication.)
I was very ill and had to be admitted to a mental hospital. While in the hospital I saw and heard things which were not there. I even felt as if I had been abandoned by the Lord, and I wasn't sure I wanted to live.
On the third day of my hospital stay, I was laying on my bed feeling as though I was all alone, and said within myself, "Lord, I don't feel You near me, but I know You are here because I see you in everything around me." I had no sooner said this within, than I began to feel what seemed like thousands of hands under the entire length of my body, as they gently lifted me off my bed for a few seconds and gently put me down again. I believe this was none other than the angels of God ministering to me, (Hebrews 1:14) giving me the comfort which I so badly needed at such a distressing time.
A few minutes later the janitor came into the room and mopped the floor. The room was on the sun side of the hospital and was very hot. The musty mop and the hot room made the air very unpleasant for me, so I said within myself, "Lord, it sure would be nice to have a cooling breeze and some perfume for this room." Again the Lord immediately answered my prayer as a cool breeze passed across my face and the breeze smelled like the sweetest rose I have ever smelled. So again I feel the Lord had ministered to me in a special way.
That same day my dear pastor Rev. Ted Trisler came to the hospital to visit me. I wanted to talk with him, but I was not able to because of a reaction to the medication I was on. My jaw became rigid and the lower part was drawn to the left and I wasn't able to move my jaw. My pastor became extremely concerned about what he saw, and went from my room and asked if he could speak to my doctor. The doctor told him I would have to be in the hospital from 3 weeks to 3 months, but yet the next day I was able to go home after only a four day stay in the hospital. I know I was able to go home that day as an answer to the prayers of my church family on my behalf.
After I left the hospital, I continued to go to counseling once a week, and through the counseling, I began to deal with a very stressful experience that had happened to me when I was 19. My own mother had done something to me which was and is today painful for me to recall. I was beginning to find memories of my childhood which had been missing for years.
As the months went by I began to get better, so the doctors took me off medication in June of 1982. Three months later in September, I again had a break. This break was more severe, and I have almost no recall of the first four days I was in the hospital. I do have some snatches of those days, but for the most part even those things seem like a bad dream in my mind. I had to spend twelve days in the hospital. This time I was required to go to group counseling once a month. When I had the first manic-depressive break the doctors missed the diagnosis and I was put on the wrong medication.
With the group therapy and some understanding counsel from my very wise pastor, Ted Trisler, and his dear wife, Sharon, I was able to begin putting my life back together again.
I began to find some outlets for my expressive nature as I started to write letters of encouragement to friends and my pastor. In March of 1985 I began to write poetry which was a talent I had as a young girl but lost through the years when I was involved in so many sinful things. Also, I had been involved in a ministry helping girls who were pregnant and not married, and helping girls who were having problems with their parents. I had been able to reach some of these girls and lead them to the Lord, when I was to endure another break. Once again I had to spend twelve days in the mental hospital.
Through each of the manic-depressive breaks, I had three very constant friends. (Proverbs 17:17) My dearest friend, Nora Warner, and Rev. and Mrs. Ted Trisler. They were always there for me, even though so many others were not sure what they could or should say to me. I am so thankful our loving God always puts around us, those special few in the troubling times of our lives. My husband and daughters were there for me, and because they were so close to me it was hard for them to say and do the things that needed to be done to help me.
Having had the struggles of manic-depression, I am now much more aware of those around me who are having dfficulties, and try to lend a helping hand so they will be encouraged to keep going.
Now I believe more that God does work all things together for our good as the called according to His purpose as stated in (Romans 8:28). So each time I must take my medicine for the manic-depression, I thank God that he would bless me in such an unexpected way...
God has been good to me.
Today 19 years later the Lord is using my life for Him, as a speaker for Christian Women's Clubs, sharing the mighty works he has done in my life.
MASTER ARCHITECT
My life was so sin wrecked,
Until touched by the Master Architect.
He picked up every borken part,
And put in me a brand new heart.
He molded me with gentle hands,
Even in times of reprimands.
And each day He is working still,
To help me do the Father's will.
So now I can hold my head erect,
Fro I was touched by the
Master Architect.
(c) Patricia Lawrence
Psalms 18:30-43
GUESTBOOK
GUESTBOOK