missperfect

             My sister Lisa used to think she was the most perfect kid in the world. She’s do whatever our momma said as soon as she said it. One day I think Lisa lost her mind. It all happened like this………….

           Me and Momma and Lisa woke up real early. We had to do a whole bunch of errands and stuff. Mrs. Beasley couldn’t babysit and so we had to go with momma. Momma was not happy about this because she says I always “act up”. Hmmpp….How did she expect me to act? Like I was thrilled or something? I hate errands. I mean who wants to go to stores to buy stuff you’re just going to have to buy again next week? Anyway momma told me if I was really good and didn’t have any tantrums she would take me to the movies on Friday. I want to see “Godzilla”. Momma thinks it’s not good for kids but if she wants me to behave, well you know what I mean!

         Anyway we all were getting dressed when all the sudden Lisa decides she is too old to go on errands. She came into my room and told me she was going to tell momma . I told her she was nuts and she better get dressed. Lisa is only 10 and I am 8. I mean we are mature and stuff but momma needs us to help her make important decisions. For instance , breakfast cereal. If you leave stuff like that up to them you might be eating “Raisin Bran” or something even worse for a whole week! Lisa walked out of room and gave me “the finger”. I almost dropped dead when I saw that. I never in a million years thought my sister, Li’l Miss Perfect”, would ever do that! So I did what any red blooded American kid would do. I ratted her out.

           I ran into Momma’s room and started to tell her what Lisa did. Lisa followed me and just as I was going to tell on her she tackled me and the fight began. I punched her and she pulled my hair. She sucker punched me in the nose and I belted her in the stomach. Momma separated us and plunked us down on her bed. She turned us each over and smacked our butts for fighting. I was rubbing my butt and trying to rat Lisa out all at the same time.

          I kept trying to tell Momma but Lisa kept saying that I was a liar. Momma clapped her hands. That is our sign to “shut up and sit down”. I sat down but Lisa kept running her mouth. Momma gave her a “death ray” look but Lisa must have been blind or stupid or something. I guess I must have had a little sense because I did what Momma said. Lisa kept on yapping at the mouth. Momma was getting a little upset at this point. She told Lisa that if she does not listen she would be in “big trouble”. That is a code thing that mother’s use before they fry your behind! Lisa quieted down I asked momma if I could tell her something. She said I could and so I ratted Lisa out. Lisa almost had a canary sitting there. Momma turned around and scolded her about being a lady. I hate that lecture more then broccoli and green beans combined. Lisa sat there quietly and listened. Momma made us promise that we would behave for the rest of the day. We said “ok” and then everybody finished dressing herself.

          We got into the car and Momma asked us to be quiet because of all the snow on the ground. Momma made us sit in the back of the car. Lisa wanted to flip for shotgun but Momma told her it was too dangerous. Lisa started to get fresh again. She asked momma since when is it dangerous to flip a coin? Momma gave her “the look” and Lisa got in the car.

          Me and Lisa have special sides of the car we sit on. I always sit behind Momma and Lisa sits on the other side. Its always been this way and I am not changing that rule. After Lisa got in the car she poked me and told me it was her turn to sit behind Momma. I told her “no way” and planted my butt firmly in the seat. Lisa started to whine that this was “no fair”. Momma hates when we whine. She’ll give you a spanking in a heartbeat if you don’t listen. Anyway Lisa kept on whining about life being unfair and all that kind of stuff. Momma came flying around to the other side of the car. She opened the door and dragged Lisa out. Momma sat down and put Lisa over her lap. I was sitting there quietly because I sure didn’t want what momma was giving out. She gave Lisa ten solid swats to her bottom and told her the next time she acted up her butt would be on fire. Momma was serious too! The last time I did that I got a licking right in J.C. Penney’s!

          The rest of the ride was pretty quiet. We got to the market and grabbed a basket. I love to ride on the back and Lisa likes to help Momma shop. Today Lisa decided that she had to ride on the back. Momma told her that she really needed her help. Lisa started to stamp her feet and put up a really big fuss. Just at that moment Momma’s friend Mrs. Hopewell came up to us. She saw Lisa’s fit and tried to calm her down. Lisa was having none of this. The tantrum got louder and louder. Momma calmly told Lisa to “quit it or else!” I guess Lisa didn’t the “or else” part because she kept on stamping her feet and yelling.

        Momma grabbed Lisa’s hand and asked Mrs. Hopewell to keep an eye on me. Mrs. Hopewell agreed and Momma half dragged Lisa to the bathroom in the market. Lisa was kicking and fussing and Momma was spinning her around to give her a smack every few feet. Eventually the noise went away. I walked with Mrs. Hopewell while she did her shopping. We talked about school and the all the other things that grownups find so thrilling. Deep inside I was so happy that Li’l Miss Perfect was finally getting a good old fashioned spanking. I never expected what happened next though!

              Mrs. Hopewell and I were walking and listening to the music in the store. All the sudden we heard Momma over the loud speaker lecturing Lisa . This is what we heard…….

   “Lisa I have had enough of you for one day”    SMACKKKKKKKK

   “I want those pants and panties down now young lady”   SMACKKKKKKKKK

Lisa was crying and must have done as Momma asked because the next thing we heard was momma pulling her over her knee. Lisa was crying and telling Momma that she would be a good girl.

“Oh you will be a good girl after this spanking Missy!”    SPANKKKKKKKKKKK

you will never……spank……act like this…….spank…….in a ……..spank……..store or …….spankkkkkkk…….at home……..spankkkkkkkkkkkkk ….again.

All the people were looking around. No one could see anything but we sure could hear it.

Spankkkkkkkk……Lisa……..SPANKKKKKKK…….if you ever………SPANKKKKKKKK………..act up……….SPANKKKKKKKK………..I will………Spankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk………….

And all of a sudden it stopped.

      The manager came on the loud speaker and told everyone that he apologizes for us hearing that. He told us that someone left the speaker on in the store room. The music came back on and all the people clapped. I was mighty disappointed because Li’l Miss Perfect sure was getting a good one. Oh well maybe next time!!!!!!