Real NCO's:
1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
2. Can remember when there weren't so many weak/fat Airmen/Soldiers.
3. Have a spine!!
4. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.
5. Can see in the Dark.
6. Have eyes in the back of their heads.
7. Would rather be on the flightline/in a foxhole than behind a desk.
8. Have wet dreams about leading an assault on Baghdad.
9. Still don't trust the Russians.
10. Still hate the French.
11. Don't know how to be politically correct.
12. Don't give a damn about being politically correct.
13. Think that "politically correct" should fall under "sodomy" in the UCMJ.
14. Love deploying to combat because there is less paperwork and more "real"
work.
15. Can run a mile and a half with a hangover, but can't pass a ten minute
bike ride.
16. Have enough ribbons on their blues to be Mexican field marshals, but all they are is just worth 2 points for promotion.
17. Do not fear women in the military.
18. Would actually like to date G.I. Jane.
19. Know that there is a difference between "giving orders" and "going
through the orders process."
20. Don't like taking orders from a guy who couldn't get a DD 214.
21. Still know how to use a buffer for GI parties.
22. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M-60 even though they are no longer in the Army inventory.
23. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
24. Know that the Cuban military was too Damn stupid to have assassinated
Kennedy.
25. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to
the Germans at Bastogne.
26. Don't know how to use a "stress card."
27. Idolize John Wayne.
28. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander."
29. Can remember when faggots weren't a "minority group."
30. Won't brief it if it is too complicated to fit on one page of those
little green notebooks.
31. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.
32. Really don't like taking shit from those who haven't "been there."
33. Believe that "commanders call," was invented by individuals who couldn't
lead their way out of a field latrine.
34. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
35. Know how to do a daisy chain.
36. Knows that a daisy chain is not a sex act.
37. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their asses kicked.
38. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats
to invade Taiwan.
39. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.
40. Know that the New Air Force/New Army is more screwed up than the old one.
41. Think that the neutron bomb would be appropriate for the Bosnia and
Iraq scenarios.
42. Don't believe a damn thing the Iraqis say.
43. Don't need a GPS to find themselves.
44. Think of military pilots as guys who wear pajamas to work.
45. Have enough BDU's and long johns in their closet to start a surplus store.
46. Think that MRE's taste good. (with a little hot sauce)
47. Would like to see what kind of creature "ham and chicken loaf" comes from.
48. Still have green jungle boots in their closet, hoping they will eventually change back.
49. Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.
50. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.
51. Have more time on the perimeter line than most others have in the chow line.
52. Know that volleyball and drinking 101, are the most important subjects
taught in tech school.
53. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.
54. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it, nor when
you can stand a track jack up in it.
55. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.
56. Know that shitty leaders will always say they have shitty soldiers.
57. Remembers that: "WHAT GOES TDY--STAYS TDY" and follows it!!
58. Knows that "What happens in the field-Stays in the field."
By the way.......
you can tell an NCO's wife from the burn scars on her finger tips from
ironing the pleated pockets on BDU's.
An NCO's wife knows that.......
"Squadron Party" means "make room for the keg and start cooking.""TDY" means Shine my boots and pack my bags, you're on your own.
The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for
promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant
Slot available.
The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said,
"This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a
flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you
do?"
The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would
get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . "
"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order,
making sure I made provisions for the appropriate
environmental study and . . . "
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel
said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the
First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in
front of HQ by 1700!"
"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
==================================================================================
The Differential Theory of Special Operations Forces
(Snake Model)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO):
* Paratrooper: Kills the snake.
* Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.
* Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty . . . Ouch! Hey, that's not a kitty cat."
* Infantry (alt): "Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake."
* Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake"
* Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.
* Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.
* SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.
* Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants are awarded Silver Stars. (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks etc.)
* Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost
* Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.
* Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
* Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.
==================================================================================
The 25 Commandments of Operational SecurityI. Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth the rain of steel.
II. Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth unwanted guests to chow.
III. Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye them red.
IV. Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies' eyes are upon thee.
V. Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth not in yon wood.
VI. Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear as a star in the East.
VII. Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare telleth thine enemy thy location.
VIII. Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not in yon desert.
IX. Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth pretty pictures.
X. Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies maketh war not on bushes.
XI. Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like tent draped in net.
XII. Thou shalt hide the wires of thy cammo, for they pointeth to thee.
XIII. Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will finish you all.
XIV. Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy presence.
XV. Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies are listening.
======================================================================
Shit: Through the eyes of the Military
*An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit!"
*An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"
*A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."
*A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."
*The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"
======================================================================
A Soldier Lay Sleeping
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE, IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE, AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE, NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND, ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS, A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY, I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE, CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER, NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ? CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT, OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY, AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR, BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE, ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE, I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE, "SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE, MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP, I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT, THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE, WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT. "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
==================================================
OPEN LETTER:
On 12 Jan, Ms Cindy Williams wrote a piece for the Washington Times
denouncing the pay raise(s) coming service members' way this year
citing that the stated 13% wage gap was bogus. A young airman from Hill AFB responds to her article below....he ought to get a bonus for this....
Ms. Williams I just had the pleasure of reading your column of 12 Jan
00, "Our GI's Earn Enough," and I am a bit confused. Frankly, I'm
wondering where this vaunted overpayment is going, because as far as
I can tell, it disappears every month between DFAS (The Defense Finance
and Accounting Service) and my bank account.
Checking my latest leave and earnings statement (LES), I see that I
make $1,117.80, before taxes.
After taxes, I take home $874.20. When I run that through Windows'
Calculator, I come up with an annual salary of $13,413.60 before
taxes, and $10,490.40 after.
I work in the Air Force Network Control Center (AFNCC), where I am
part of the team responsible for
the administration of a 25,000 host computer network. I am involved
with infrastructure management, specifically with Cisco Systems
equipment. A quick check of monster.com
under jobs for Network Technicians in the Washington, D.C. area
reveals a position in my career field, requiring three years' experience with
my job. Amazingly, this job does NOT pay $13,413.60 a year, nor does it
pay less than this. No, this job is being offered at $70,000 to $80,000
per annum. I'm sure you can draw the obvious conclusions. Also, you
tout increases to Basic Allowance for Housing and Basic Allowance for
Sustenance (housing and food allowances, respectively) as being a
further boon to an already overcompensated force. Again, I'm curious
as to where this money has gone, as BAH and BAS were both slashed 15% in
the Hill AFB area effective in January 00. Given the tenor of your
column, I would assume that you have never had the pleasure of serving
your country in her armed forces.
Before you take it upon yourself to once more castigate congressional
and DOD leadership for attempting to get the families in the military's
lowest pay brackets off AFDC, WIC, and food stamps. I suggest that you
join a group of deploying soldiers headed for Saudi, I leave the
choice of service branch up to you.
Whatever choice you make, though, opt for the six month rotation it
will guarantee you the longest possible time away from your family and friends, thus giving you the
full "deployment experience." As your group prepares to board the
plane, make sure to note the spouses and children who are saying
goodbye to their loved ones. Also take care to note that several families are
still unsure of how they'll be able to make ends meet while the
primary breadwinner is gone obviously they've been squandering the vast piles
of cash the DOD has been giving them.
Try to deploy over a major holiday; Christmas and Thanksgiving are
perennial favorites. And when you're actually over there, sitting in
a DFP (Defensive Fire Position, the modern-day foxhole),
shivering against the cold desert night, and the flight sergeant tells
you that there aren't enough people on shift to relieve you for chow,
remember this: trade whatever MRE you manage to get for the tuna noodle casserole or cheese
tortellini, and add Tabasco to everything. Talk to your loved ones as often as you are permitted; it won't nearly be long enough or often
enough, but take what you can get and be thankful for it.
You may have picked up on the fact that I disagree with most of the points you
present in your op-ed piece. But, tomorrow from Voltaire, I will
defend to the death your right to say it.
You see, I am an American fighting man, a guarantor of your First
Amendment rights and every other right you cherish. On a daily basis,
my brother and sister soldiers worldwide ensure that you and people
like you can thumb your collective nose at us, all on a salary that is
nothing short of pitiful and under conditions that would make most
people cringe. We hemorrhage our best and brightest into the private
sector because we can't offer the stability and pay of civilian
companies. And you, Ms. Williams, have the gall to say that we make
more than we deserve?
Rubbish.
A1C Michael Bragg
Hill AFB AFNCC DSN: 777_0743 COM: (801) 777_0743 FAX:
(801) 777_7176
PLEASE PASS THIS ALONG TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE AND SHOW OUR SUPPORT OF THE AMERICAN FIGHTING MEN & WOMEN.
THANK YOU.
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