Basically Random Thoughts!
This is a place & format holder entry - the really dull stuff is a little below -- I'm too lazy to totally reformat every time I think to write here - so... so ha.
Yey Gads, it's been nearly a year since I last wrote in here. I have a new house, new job, and no Scott Stevens to worship in the NHL. He indeed decided to retire this season. I'm still really liking hockey despite no Stevens and the really crappy new rules. I find solace in spotting chinks in the new rules. Hmeh... Hockey is very up and down or has been this past fall anyhow. Things are sorting of realligning of late... I still don't really care for it, and the Devils who had been stinking, have really improved with the return of Patrik Elias. While I'm truly grateful the Devils seems to be finding themselves again, I confess: I find it slightly depressing -- that they can carry on without Stevens (heeheehee). But anyhow -- that's a very small aspect of my life.
The new house is fun and full of trauma -- just typical home purchase and ownership stuff. I feel no need to expound :-p
My daughter is just wonderful! She's turning into such a grown up -- getting tall, talking, learning at lightning speed... just amazing.
I read the Hills at Home this past fall...it took me forever for some reason, but I really liked it. It was very real and I don't know --I don't want to say helpful in fortifying my sense of identity. But maybe it did. I don't know what my culture is.. or how or why I am the way I am. Anyhow. We saw Munich and my husband is now going through a whole Jewish identity thing -- his father and NYC side of the family are Jewish. He had been turning away from that a little bit but the movie helped him sort of get back to that. It's part of who our daughter is - I want her to understand that - but it's not part of who I am. Anyhow I am sort of figuring how does one explain WASPdom? Hills at Home helped I think. But it's not something to be discussed, just understood but Oh really who cares?
Let's see-- I've decided I'm tragically lazy - I was watching this documentary on Dick Proenneke - this dude who went off to live in Alaska on his own and documented it -- it ROCKED! He was so creative and skilled and stuff. I love that stuff but I could never even pretend to live that way. I'm LAZY! I love the idea of it all but .. well...I'M LAZY! I'd rather daydream about living in the Alaskan wilds than do my own creative living stuff in my own life in the here and now. That so sucks for me! I feel like I'm denying a good and noble and virtuous instinct in just being LAZY and doing nonesense like writing here now!
you know, and I really should sign off here now... I feel lazy playing here :-D so bye for now... I'll try to keep up - not that anyone reads in here anymore -- no one has for over a year I've noted. Just as well. I'm dull and like it that way! and I think blogging is odd. I have stuff I do want to say but it has to be interactive or what's the point really? I have a journal for that stuff... and if I write here I dont write there... but if I message board I dont write in my journal or here either and everything is lost -- but that's kind of as it shoul dbe anyhow right? that's what Native Americans think -- and I guess I do too.
Oh I forgot to add -- last March (the third to be exact) Butter died - he went into full congestive heart failure -- it was so awful he was so scared. But he had sedatives and got to mellow out before I actually had him put down. It was just a few minutes of peace and awareness until he was more heavily sedated. We were with him through the whole thing. I hope that helped him. I didnt' want him to feel alone... but fact of it is that he knew.. he knew we could be with him but he was on his own and he so didn't want to die. So weird. I had some guilty feelings for letting him go on too long OR for not coddling him enough in his old age to enable him to go on even longer. Life. I would never choose to have NOT lived it even though we have to give it up. Why do I LOVE life so much??? I suppose some scientist can tell me exactly why --- no matter I love loving it and am glad I've been here! Bye again!
Well, it's been about 6 months since I wrote in here. Noticed someone checks in here on Sundays. Sorry so dull. I'm not a big online journal person anyhow. The whole concept scares me to be frank. I mean who ARE you reading this? More than likely a friend or relative so :-) no big whoop, right? I noticed someone put a link to my Stevens page in their online journal. You see in the stats keeper when someone links to your site. Like there have been lots of emails people click in from. Not that I know WHO's online journal -- just an online journal provider name pops up with security and stuff. Same with emails I just see say someone from the aol email server linked in... I can't see who or even an IP so. I was getting all sorts of hits from a private message board on my Ogling Stevens section and I asked to join their board and tehy wouldnt' let me! How rude is that? I got the site address but the old this is private board click here to ask the admin permission to join...so I did and they said no. Bitches... hurumph.
Life is fine - my daughter is amazing my husband is nearly done with his PhD. I dont mind work much these days even though my best friend at work quit. I guess once there's nothing left to lose things aren't so bad.
The NHL lockout is just a freaking joke to me now. No NHL hockey. Makes no sense to me but whatever. Nothing I can do about it in the end so. It's too bad I'll probably never see Scott Stevens play again. Oh say -- I forgot to tell you all I saw Stevens in Princeton back the day before my birthday! VERY weird. It was right by Simon Pearce I always forget the name of it there but it's all shoppy now Thomas Sweet is there and we were going to April Cornell. Anyhow I didnt even do anything. I stared and then sort of muttered hi... what was I thinking? Honest I think I was expecting him to say something to ME... he looked right at me -- held my gaze - no comment on his face or anything no attitude one way or the other -- initially it felt like he quickly looked away but then caught himself and chose to look me squarely back - probably knows thats how to get people to avoid him. So anyhow I must have looked away when it dawned on me I had to SAY something... then I -- I have no idea. My husband and sister both wanted to chase him down for me but I felt like it was intrusive. i muttered hi and if he had time or inclination he'd have responded. It was neat I saw him in a place so far removed from hockey anyhow! I never expected that -- and on my birthday shopping trip at that. I do sort of wish I'd said more since I probably wont ever see him again in any way shape or form. That so sucks.
Depression. Honey my sweet little girl Pointer got wailed by a car last week. I just have to keep saying Honey was killed. I can't beleive it. We weren't there. It's so sureal and every time I think of it I just feel sick. I'm angry because EVERYONE KNEW she couldn't run free. They knew it and yet they still let her out to run on a regular basis. What were they thinking? I said again and again she couldn't be trusted. With my husband it was like a sickness -- she had to run and he had to continuously let if off the leash to see if this time she would stay close -- this time she would listen.
My poor little doggie. I feel so responsible. I knew how she was and yet I went along with the whole thing -- let her stay upstate, not with us - not with her family where she belonged. But she nearly ripped Butter's head off. I think it hurt even more because i was still sort of mad at her for that. She was just such a tragic little figure of a dog. It's just so hard because there's so many little things you look forward to - seeing her wag her whole body.. patting her head -it was the perfect size for my palm. She wasn't affectionate but she was desperate for affection. I loved her so much. And we had close call after close call -- so many that I guess everyone just took them for granted. Every time she came home I was so grateful... and now I just can't beleive I don't have that ominipresent second chance. Honey. I don't have my cute dog named Honey any more. She's not alive anymore -- and I feel just awful.
Enough death for one year I must say... it seems it's all I write about here. I'm really not that kind of a person either - that's the weird part! Butter has a huge enlarged heart and isnt' long for this world either -- that super sucks. he's still acting all jubulant he just coughs all the time. They say he has a year at most. He's 15 this month. I would love it if he could make it to 16.
Anyhow enough of my chipper news!
I am on the South Beach Diet...not so much to lose weight -- I look fine in clothes anyhow but I do have a fat can and a gut -of course my husband LIKES them (they're sexy! GAG!!!) I've never had a GUT in my life even if it is merely an inch it's traumafying to me! So My parents are having a blast on this diet so I thought I ought to give it a shot. It SUCKS because I am addicted to refined sugar and white flour and white rice too! For ages now I've known they're crap but I still munch away. So what's neat about this diet is I'm eating vegetables. I LIKE them even I'm just so lazy -- so if I think I HAVE to have them then I'll get off my rump and clean and top and tail and whathaveyou to prepare them for comsumption! Hehehe. ANYHOW So I HATE the diet but i think it's really cool at the same time and of course I haven't shed an inch of fat but I've on ly been on it 5 days now. I'd really love to not have tummy fat though. I was doing sit ups and you knwo how you see your stomache muscles and stuff well my tunny looks all deformed! It had PADDING on it! I NEVER thought I had good abs because I just had a normal looking stomach no 6 pack or whatever.... but oh my GOSH! It's so WEIRD! I'm ok with it but I htink for my health I ought to improve my eating habits!
All our friends are moving out of our complex... all of my friends are leaving work. I sort of feel sad. I dont feel like life is passing us by at all - but it feels strange at the same time. My husband will be done with his PhD any month now FOR REAL -- ou "life" is about to start but I've never taken the approach that it hadn't -- he just made a crappy salary! Hehehe!
I miss my grandmother more than I knew I would. I love my memory of her though -- always her in her final apartment waving goodbye as we were leaving! I htink I miss her when i think on her life and all she did! WOW! I mean she was SO NEAT! and now of course.. I want to really take up golfing even though she blamed it in part on her stroke! I just suck so much at it... I can't synch it all up - I'm queen of the shank! My husband doesn't want to take it up so naturally think I won't want to either. He has plenty of hobbies I dont' take part in and they cost a pretty penny too so I'm not too worried.
I got us tennis rackets for Father's Day because he said he wanted to take it up. I took lessons and the whole 9 yards as a kid but I rot at it these days. I need to play though to calm down my reactions some. I'm a hyper-spaz and move too soon too strong to fast in ALL areas of life so I sort of want to take up something that gets me to focus. Art adn writing are a different kind of focus I think -- I want a mental focus aligned with physical focus - but with a bench mark -- I mean dance is like that but it's easy. AWE who knows?
Oh yeah -- I FINALLY went to a Scott Stevens signing. Got Rebecca's little shirt signed. I'm happy I did. I didn't say a WORD to him even... I responded when he said "Hi" and "there" and that's about it! Hahahaha! Susan gave me the whole reasoning behind my keeping mum! Fact is: what is there to say? I don't want to say two words to him.... I want to say 50 MILLION! As Susan laughed I'm too smart to even think I can try! Ah me. But I am very glad to have that little shirt to mark this time in my life. It's a fun time.
Well - i have tons more I could write but we're on our way out to dinner with friends. Rebecca is SO amazing I can't even broach the subject here! I LOVE BEING A MOMMY!!
So... I guess I'm on the mental upswing. Things are OK. My grandmother finally did die last month. February 18 at about 10:30am. Very strange. We got in a great last visit with Rebecca the Sunday before. Rebecca loved Grandmother. I feel bad that she'll forget her now. She saw an old woman on the TV and looked at her and waved and looked at me for some sort of response. I really felt like she was asking if it was grandmother. My daughter is amazing. She is so loving it blows my mind.
The Baird family went out to Dearborn with my Dad behind the wheel just like old days. It was weird and was fun but part of me felt like I had abandon my own family to revert to childhood. Dearborn has changed a lot. Funny my Grandparents old house looks like it's in a worse section than our old house! They used to seem so rooty tooty. I sure do love that house all the same though - just the memories alone.
I've got Greg wanting to go back to Dearborn and the Henry Ford Museum and Greenfeild Village so I know we'll be back one day. Always sad no one belongs to the club any more it's hard not to just assume we'd have dinner there at least one night!
As for the funeral -- if one could be done right this one was. It was odd. It was almost reassuring to see Grandmother in a dress and make up and almost normal. I've NEVER felt that way at a funeral - not EVER. It was just perfect closure. And both my mother and I said the same thing - Funeral homes don't seem quite as bad as they used to. Anyhow -- closure - that's the best way to sum it all up. Closure of a lot - of an era - of a generation.
I feel greedy that I want more time... but I guess more time just wasn't appropriate anymore. I felt like even Grandmother sort of had to say "all right all ready lets just get on with it." I can't thank her enough for all she's given me. She just had the most profound impact on my entire life.
I think women are amazing. I am so incredibly proud and feel so fortunate to be a woman. This whole life is quite a gift. The enormity of it can almost weigh a person down. I don't care how insignificant we are -- to my mind it's huge - a huge blessing in and of itself. I'm pleased I have a devine discontent and want more. I like desiring... but I am also very pleased I can sit down and just be happy and thankful for all that I have. And I feel blessed to want to share it, to want to do it justice. I like my life and I love living.
Well... Scott Stevens is out indefinitely with the blahs... nahh, they're saying more than likely post-concussion syndrome. He was feeling generally run down, no appetite and emotionally down. Must be due to a concussion...what's MY excuse then? Of course my symptoms aren't quite the same - no problem with the appetite here hahahahaha! I WISH!
So -- while Stevens is resting, I'm getting off my can - joined the gym. Took my fit tests -- not so awful. I'm average everything, which of course to me is ABSOLUTE TRAUMA! I'm never average. Average means fatass! Average means UNFIT! BLAH!!!!!! But Since I expected to be certified lardass I guess things aren't so bad. And after a year I am feeling a lot better about the post childbirth body - I'm still sort of upset that my chest deflated. They are by no means saggy aggies but I'm just not use to them not being extraordinarily pert. They look like -- well like your average pair. I'm used to highly above average - gravity defying kind of thing... but shoot I HAVE to age - considering the alternative this ain't so bad :-P.
So... well the whole Stevens thing weirded me out a little. I mean, I wonder what he's going through. I read below and -- well I wonder if he felt anything like I did. Then there was this dream I had -- that he was seriously hurt - that he had figuratively if not literally died (you know how dreams are just unclear) ... I posted it on the NJDevs message board. It was a wake up crying kind of dream. Had it Dec 29th so I had no idea anything was wrong with him in real life. . I didn't want to be too weird or detailed in my dream but I don't think anyone visits here so... it was a head injury in my dream but a totally vague unnamed thing -- I just figured it was a Dan Snyder reference or something. well you know Stevens DID take a puck to the head too so it's not all that weird. I don't know - so when i posted it someone wrote they hoped it wasn’t prophetic but they meant because I wondered if maybe I didn't replace Stevens with my grandmother who of course has been alive and dying and a concern to me of late. They hoped my grandmother wasn't going to die -- well but she will. anyhow oh who cares! I don't like looking for stupid threads of commonalities between my life and this complete strangers. It's childish. There is no basis in reality - I hate that my life is so empty that I have to imagine things...it's sooo pathetic.
Thus have I vowed to start attacking life! No matter how mundane I have to approach everything as if it was new and amazing, I mean everything IS that great to me. I DO love life that much. I just figure I must somehow forget to relish every second. Since that's not always an option (taking time to enjoy real life), I just go nuts in my imagination. Guessing and surmising is only fun when you have some verification or some baseline – SOMETHING based in reality! So unless I've got a career in hockey all this supposition is just too frustrating for me in the end. SO… so. Well I've got to get a life I guess is what I'm getting at...
Depression. Everyone fun at work is leaving. Leaf fan in ONT just gave notice. Funny it came as a surprise despite the fact he told everyone he was done. When things are OK you can treat people like shit. But then when things aren't so great you can't be inconsiderate hiding behind the "it's hard times and we all must do our part" excuse. If you want to fall back on the hard times thing, then you have to have earned the respect in good years. This company just hasn't. It's not a bad dynamic here. It's like a jovial cousin who gives you a hard time but is basically decent at heart -- but you know they think they're better than you. They act like you need them more than they need you. And while they are generous here (to a point) it's just not good spirited.
Devils beat the Kings last night. Tonight it's Devils@Ducks and Scott Stevens plays his 1,616th regular-season game, moving ahead of Larry Murphy with most games played by a defenseman. Now he's got to catch Ron Francis (1672 and counting) Mark Messier (1701 and counting) and Gordie Howe (1,767). Pretty neat if you ask me. Tons of news stories on him and all say the same thing -- basically the same crap my website says too!
Hey I took a sick day last Friday! I was mad at Greg for not realizing I was sick and all...then I realized you don't get any points for being stoic, you know? If you say nothing people can't GUESS you're not up to snuff and while I am an advocate of sucking it up I have to admit when I need...mmm, I dunno, just...not someone to look after you...not sympathy or empathy even...I don't know, just for someone to let you know they care about you? I don't know. I tend to not know when I've overextended myself, particularly emotionally. It drives my mom nuts to this day. I don't think greg really knows the extent of it. How can he since I know I don't. I only know when it's too late.. and usually a little too far after it's too late...even then I'm not sure. I mean I want to understand my limitations. I think I do but then I'm not so sure and if I don’t then how do I know I don't? See? I think there's more in the tank I don't know. I don't know when I’m running on fumes OK I'm really confusing myself here now. - I'm just not going to think about it. I'm glad I took a sick day and saw the doctor - there - end of story!
Anyhow the whole weekend I basically cuddled Rebecca! I love her so much! I love feeling her climb on me, sleep on me, want to show me stuff and share her little life with me! it's so amazing! She says Thank you! And in the right context too! it's amazing to me! "Tahhhg ooo" is what she says when you hand her something - particularly when feeding her, like a spoon or a cookie.
Well hockey season is in full swing. Stevens is doing pretty well - a couple of goals more than 5 assists, a plus 5. I on the other hand am pretty crappy. Personal life is good. And I basically have no professional life. We've fired eveyone so now I'm the Human Resources Manager/receptionist. It's such a stinking joke. I'm making enough to support the family so one would think it's no skin off my ass but I nonetheless feel like a doormat. Now Susan says doormats have no confidence so I'm not a doormat. I am rather a rudderless ship. I refuse to direct my own course. Yeah well -- she's right, because 3/4ths of me just doesn't give a shit. But the other 4th says Are you fucking kidding me? I guess they all just laugh and say No we think you're making the same paycheck so you'll suck it up since we all know you're jetting the second your husband graduates! Greg wants me to go back into acting since we pay so much on all the union dues. I do confess I have begun to think of the dues as a charitable contribution at this point. What's funny is no one from my show is working really but the guys from E&E are all working in Film and TV!
My head is aching and I have zits and a sore throat. and I haven't let on to Greg that I'm really sick. So he thinks I'm an insensative bitch because I'm not more sympathetic to his puffy eye.
No exciting dreams to report of late. Blah. I need a nap. Nothing I'm doing in life do I deem significant enough to change. I love Rebecca so much that I don't have the right to whine about anything. And Greg is such a great guy that I feel like a schmuck when I still find something to pick at. I think this is nothing a little Advil can't cure! Time to suck it up and get back to work. bye bye.
OK one was the tidal wave dream - this one was a little different (I have reoccurring tidal wave dreams that I rather enjoy -nothing bad happens, I never feel in danger - it's always a fascinating experience) SOO they were little waves (20 ft as opposed to the usual 75 ft!). We were on Block Island and I was not heeding storm warnings but walking right on the beach -- all of a sudden I see the waves are going to break on top of me...I'm fully dressed because it's actually rather chilly out! So the waves break and I'm filled with a thrilling kind of terror and what happens but it just sort of bubbles over me -- like I'm waterproof! I come out of the wave a little out of breath but dry as a bone! My mother and father were with us but I only saw Greg. I told him to watch while this wave blew over me but didn't get me wet! He didn't care he just walked away but my mother turned up and wouldn't come down! She just kept yelling at me to get off the beach! Then another wave broke on me and Greg almost saw... or maybe he even did -- but he was unimpressed. So I just went back to our cabin.
DREAM 2
This one was yesterday right before I woke up (5ish maybe) I don’t know all the details but I was driving a borrowed car. I may have stolen it sort of...you know, borrowed it by accident! Anyhow we were in Ohio. So I was trying to drive somewhere but it was in the wrong direction from where I was supposed to be going -- but I really didn't care. In the car are oil containers... little ones that look like thermoses, about 5 and I think I'm going to get in trouble with the police for having them. But the car needs it's oil changed so I think if I can just put some of the old oil in there dirty or not this will kill two birds with one stone.
I'm thinking that they're really going to
want these shoes and that becomes my excuse for, at some points of the dream going in the wrong direction and at others for returning the stolen car -- I don't quite get that whole thing. So I'm driving the wrong way on a road under construction and cops have seen me and are tentatively following me but giving me my space and not pulling me over. I get to the aunts house and she's totally cool with my having taken the car and asks why I didn't just keep going?
Do you REALLY like reading this crap?
I'm working on the Scott Stevens pages too. That's depressing in more of a happy way though. The whole Crapitals scandal is depressing - half because it fecked up everything and half because I read "17 year-old with long deeply tanned legs and straight blond hair" and wouldn't you know -- I get jealous! Not of her getting groped, that's just gross and stupid on her part no matter how freaking plastered she was - just like Dan Snyder - you get in the car and maybe you keep your mouth shut at the wrong time or say too little too late and then you're f*cked figuratively or literally as the case may be. It's all just depressing to me today.
I guess I'm just filled with devine discontent. I'll get over it - I'm a master at stifling these days. But now I'm so stifled I've completely lost sight of what i want -- or did i get it already and I don't know what to do from here? Fresh air - that's what I want! ah me... one day... one day soon I hope.