Wherever You Are Is Home Chapter Nine - "Unimaginable" It is 1408 in the Shire Reckoning Pippin is 18, Merry is 26, Sam is 28, Pimpernel is 29, and Frodo is 40 Merry frowned at the blank piece of paper in front of him. He was in the process of writing a letter to his father. He and Pippin were planning on a sojourn to Brandy Hall in a couple of weeks, and he figured that Saradoc Brandybuck would appreciate the warning. He had been trying to write the letter all day, but there had been no end to the distractions. "Merry?" Merry gave a jerk from where he was sprawled out on Pippin's bed. Pippin, who was curled up in his chair with a book, had been so quiet that Merry had almost forgotten he was there. That Pippin was reading was almost a worrying development, but Merry had decided not to question it and use the time to finish his letter. "Yes, love?" Merry asked, writing a few words on the paper. "Do you love me?" Pippin asked, not even looking up from his book. "Of course I do." Merry said, still writing. "Why do you ask?" "I was just wondering." Pippin said absently. He looked up at Merry briefly, but dropped his eyes back to the book. Merry frowned at Pippin, and turned his attention back to his letter. "Merry?" "Yes, love." "Are you sure?" "Yes." Merry set his quill aside and frowned at Pippin again. "Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pippin said. "Pip." Merry pressed. Something in Pippin's tone said there was a reason. Merry pushed the half-written letter aside and moved to sit on the edge of the bed, across from Pippin. "I was just wondering." Pippin said. "Why?" Merry asked, concerned. "Do I not tell you enough?" "No, it's not that." Pippin "Then what?" Merry asked. "Its nothing." Pippin said. He looked up from his book and eyed Merry with a blank expression. "Will you sleep in here tonight?" "Of course I will." Merry said. "If you want me to." "I do." Pippin said. He favored Merry with another unreadable expression, and turned back to his book. Merry felt Pippin's erection throb in his hand. He leaned up and kissed him, catching Pippin's cry as his erection jerked and released itself. He pulled his mouth away from Pippin's long enough to grope for the towel on the nightstand, but returned his mouth to Pippin's as he wiped the sticky fluid off his cousin's belly. Once clean, Pippin sighed and curled up against Merry. Merry stretched out on the bed and arranged Pippin in the crook of his arm. He toyed with Pippin's curls as he laid there, listening as Pippin's breathing became more even. Merry yawned, pulled Pippin a bit closer, and started to drift off to sleep. "Merry?" Pippin asked. "Huh?" Merry asked sleepily, opening an eye. Pippin did not say anything, so Merry closed his eye again. "Why won't you put it in me?" "What?" Both of Merry's eyes flew open, and he pulled back from Pippin to peer at him questioningly. Pippin could certainly not be asking him what it sounded like Pippin was asking him. "Why won't you put it in me?" Pippin asked again, more firmly. Merry made a strangled sound, and tried to calm himself before his heart thumped its way out of his chest. Pippin was asking. "And don't act like you don’t know what I am talking about." Pippin said, giving Merry and accusatory glance. "I know you know. If I know, then you have to know." "I know." Merry said slowly. "But how….." "Hiram Bracegirddle told me." Pippin said. "He was telling me about the last time they went dancing at the Cotton's." Pippin looked away from Merry shyly, and blushed. "He went for a walk with Anabel Bolger and they…" "Pip." Merry said sharply. He had no desire to start picturing Hiram Bracegirddle and Fatty Bolger's sister, who looked a bit too much like Fatty for her own good, in a compromising position. "Well, he told me where it is supposed to go." Pippin said frankly. "But it is different for lasses." Merry said, hoping that would be enough to get Pippin to leave off the topic. "Not really." Pippin said impatiently. He looked at Merry like he was being exasperating on purpose. "They just have two places to put it, that's all." "Pip, they really only have one…." "Hiram said that Anabel let him put it in both places." Pippin insisted. "The front and the back." Pippin looked quite pleased with himself, thinking that he had worked around Merry's excuses. "Oh he did, did he?" Merry said, unable to hide the amusement in his voice. He was quite sure that Anabel had not let Hiram do anything of the sort. "If Hiram could put in Anabel there, in the back, then you could put it in me. If you wanted to." Pippin looked extremely irritated. Merry was acting slow-witted on purpose, and he knew it. "Do you not want to?" Merry could only stare at him, speechless. Not want to? At the moment, Merry could not think of anything he wanted to do more. He was getting hard just thinking about it. But Pippin was too young, just too young, and Merry did not want to hurt him. "I do want to." Merry said. So young, but so beautiful. It was so very unfair. "Very much." "I don’t believe you." Pippin said. "Lately you have been acting like you don’t want to touch me at all." "Oh, Pip." Merry said, pulling him close. He did want to touch him. He wanted to touch him so much that it was frightening. Seeing Pippin everyday, watching him grow older, was driving him insane. When touched him, or kissed him, it was getting harder to stop before he got out of control. His selfish, adult needs made him want to drag Pippin to his room and make love to him until neither of them could walk. "I love you, Pip." Merry said. "I want to touch you so much. I am just afraid. You are still so young. I don't want to push you into anything you are not ready for. I don’t want to ask you for too much." "Is that why you haven't put it in me?" Pippin asked. "Because you think I am too young?" Merry paused, trying to think of a response that would not upset him. He came up with nothing, so grudgingly, he went with the truth. "Yes." "Are you always going to treat me like I am a baby?" Pippin asked, his voice laced with anger. "Will I ever be old enough for you?" "Pip, I just…" Merry cut off, seeing the hurt look on Pippin's face. Pippin's wide eyes looked like his heart was breaking, and Merry couldn't stand it. "I am sorry." He said, kissing Pippin's nose and cheeks. "Will you stop treating me like I am a baby?" Pippin asked, his voice unsure. "I will try." Merry said. Pippin gave him a level, unimpressed look. "I will try very hard." Merry reached over and took Pippin's hand, squeezing it. "I love you." "I love you, too." Rosco Grubb is beautiful." Daisy Bracegirddle breathed. Pimpernel looked at her cousin over her embroidery hoop and sighed. "Rosco Grubb has a face like a goat." She replied. "He most certainly does not." Daisy said. "Nel is right." Marigold Bracegirddle replied. She stitched thoughtfully for a few minutes. "Well, me more resembles a pony, but still. Nel is right." Daisy looked affronted, causing the other lasses to collapse into giggles. Daisy gave a snort, and turned her attention to her sewing. "Rosco is not that bad." Violet Hornblower said in Daisy's defense. "But I wouldn't call him beautiful." She sighed at her embroidery hoop, and started picking out a few stitches. "Now Hiram Bracegirddle, he is beautiful." "My brother?" Marigold snorted. "Maybe there is something wrong with your eyes." "You are not supposed to think he is beautiful. He is your brother". Nel put in. "Last week Anabel Baggins told me that she thought Pippin was pretty, and I couldn't stop laughing." "Pippin is pretty." Violet said with a sigh. "He has the most wonderful eyes." "You wouldn't think so if you had had to change his cloths." Nel joked. "You want to know who I think is pretty?" Peony Proudfoot offered. "Meriadoc Brandybuck." A few of the other lasses murmured in agreement. Nel set her jaw and glared at her embroidery hoop, as she always did when the lasses sighed over Merry. Ever since that debacle at his birthday party, the mention of his name twisted her stomach in knots. "Oh, yes. Merry is most beautiful." Daisy said. "Wouldn't you agree, Marigold?" Daisy said with a wicked grin. "Merry is alright." Marigold muttered. "Alright?" Daisy gave and indignant squeak. "You had better come up with something better than alright." "Oh, why is that?" Peony asked. "She's kissed him." Violet said, cutting off Daisy, who had been meaning to blab the same thing. "So did you." Marigold gave back. "What?" Nel choked, heat rising to her face. Merry had kissed Marigold? And Violet? She did not need to hear this. She started picturing Merry kissing Marigold, in an odd fit of jealous self-torture, but the image slipped, and all she could see was Merry kissing her. It had been so sweet, so wonderful. He had been so gentle, but demanding at the same time. She had never kissed anyone before, and she had wanted to kiss Merry. When she had stopped him at his birthday, she had not been trying to kiss him. She had been worried about him. He had been quite drunk and more than a little upset, no matter what he had said, and she had talked to him out of concern. "Oh, that hardly counts." Violet said defensively, ignoring Nel. "I kissed him, and he was half-drunk when I did it. Besides, he didn't really kiss me back." And then he had kissed her, and it had been wonderful. She could still picture it. His lips had been so soft when they pressed against hers, and when she had felt his tongue on her lips she had thought her belly was catching on fire. The way his lips had felt on her neck had made he skin pebble, and he knees had gone weak. It had been wonderful. Glorious. Perfect. Until Merry whispered Pippin's name. "He didn't really kiss me back, either." Marigold admitted. "And I practically had to drag him away from Pippin to do it." "I still think he is beautiful." Peony said. "Why don’t you kiss him?" Violet asked. "I would, if I thought he wanted me to." Peony said. "I think he would let you." Marigold said. "Well, I think he would rather kiss Pippin." Peony said simply. Nel made a strangled sound that was too loud for the other lasses to ignore. She tried to suck air, but found that her throat was closed tight. The air swam before her, and the last thing she saw was Marigold's questioning face before the world went black. "Can we stop by Bag End on the way to Brandy Hall?" Pippin asked suddenly. He rolled onto his side to look at Merry, and made an entreating face. "Of course we can." Merry said. He plucked a dandelion out of the soft grass, and turned it in his hands, inspecting it. "I miss Frodo." Pippin said. "And Sam." "So do I." Merry said. He missed the two hobbits fiercely, but he also missed the time spent a Bag End. At Frodo's burrow, he and Pippin could be themselves, with out all the pretending and furtiveness and sneaking around. He could kiss Pippin without the worry of prying eyes, or touch him without worrying that someone was about to burst through the door. Impulsively, Merry leaned towards Pippin and blew the white tufts from the dandelion all over him. Pippin gave a squeak, and batted at the soft, white things. "Did you make a wish?" Pippin asked. "No." Merry said, leaning to kiss him. "I have everything I want already." "I think she fainted." "You upset her, you ninny, with all that talk about Merry wanting to kiss her brother." "Should we get the herbwife?" "I was just kidding, really. Merry wouldn't want to kiss Pippin, that's disgusting." "Should we get her parents?" Nel came back groggily. Her eyelids felt leaden, and they opened grudgingly, like a gate in desperate need of an oiling. She heard muffled sounds that she could not make out. Her friends were speaking to her, but it sounded like they had handfuls of wool in their mouths. "Look, she is coming awake." "We should get the herbwife anyway." "I am fine." Nel croaked. She sat up slowly, afraid to set the room spinning again. She smiled weakly at her friends' unconvinced faces, and patted Violet, who looked ready to get the herbwife, with a clumsy arm. "Are you sure?" Marigold asked, narrowing her eyes slightly. "Really, it was nothing." Nel said. "It just became hot in here all of a sudden." Merry opened the door to Paladin Took's office with a sinking stomach. He had tried to appear unconcerned when Pippin had told him that his father wanted to speak with him, but inside he was a wreck. He was pretty sure that he knew what this was about, as Pimpernel was turning twenty-nine in a few months. It was time Nel was married. Past time. "Meriadoc!" Paladin said brightly when he caught sight of Merry. The Thain gave him an appraising look that made him uncomfortable. Merry took a few steadying breaths, and forced himself not to fidget under the gaze. "Pippin said you wanted to speak with me." Merry said, trying to keep his voice steady. "I do." The Thain said. "Have a seat, nephew." He said, indicating a chair in front of his desk. "How old are you now, Meriadoc?" He asked casually. "Twenty-six." Merry said. "Mid-tween." Paladin said thoughtfully. "Usually the most irresponsible time in a young hobbits life. Time for fun and trouble and too much ale. Yet you spend it with Pippin." Paladin studied Merry curiously. "How is it that you have not grown tired of my scapegrace child?" "He is a good lad." Merry said carefully. "For you." Paladin said wryly. He tapped pursed lips thoughtfully, as if trying to decided how to proceed. "Have you given thought to the future, Meriadoc?" "Not much." Merry admitted. "Well, it is to be expected." Paladin said lightly. "Most tweens do not until they are told to." He paused again, considering. "What about marriage, Meriadoc? Have you thought of that?" "Well, no." Merry said. "I am still young." "Old enough." Paladin said. "I was not much older than you when I married Eglantine." The Thain grew quiet abruptly, and a uncomfortable expression passed over his face. That was a lie, and they both knew it. He had been over forty when he married. He was only looking for a segway into a conversation that neither of them wanted to have. Paladin and Merry stared at each other for a few uncomfortable minutes. They remained silent for quite some time. Merry started to fidget, and Paladin seemed to be staring at something behind Merry. Finally the Thain mumbled to himself and chuckled. "Listen, Meriadoc." He said. "I am no good at this beating around the bush, so I will just tell you straight." The Thain took a deep breath." I mean for you to marry my daughter, if you would be so inclined." "Oh." Merry said, unable to come up with anything better. He had known this for quite some time, but hearing it out of the Thain's mouth had rendered him speechless. All his hoping that the Thain would forget, or change his mind had obviously been for naught. "Pimpernel will be twenty-nine in a couple of months." Paladin said. "Marriageable age." Merry worried his lip, trying to think of a response. Then he felt his chest grow tight as he had a frightening realization. Pimpernel was not close to being marriageable age, she was almost past marriageable age. Hobbit lasses could marry at twenty-one, if the groom had come of age. Merry could note a couple of occasions where a lass had been shuffled off to the wedding tree at nineteen, but their babes had been born so soon after that no one had wondered why. Most lasses married between twenty-three and twenty-six. Pimpernel was a very pretty lass, and had a full, pleasing body, She was sweet-tempered for a Took, and she was the daughter of the Thain. Pimpernel was not unmarried and almost twenty-nine because the Thain had not had offers. She was unmarried at almost twenty-nine because the Thain was waiting. For him. "Have you discussed this with her?" Merry asked lamely, trying to stall. "No." The Thain replied. "I have not mentioned it yet. I did not want to get her hopes up, in case you refused." The Thain looked concerned that he might. "Would you be interested?" "I….uh, well…… I..er, " Merry stammered. "Pippin tells me that you are leaving for Brandy Hall in a few days." Paladin said. "I would be glad to allow Nel to join the two of you, so you could have a chance to get to know her better." "Oh." Merry said. That was absolutely the last thing that Merry wanted. Merry did not want company on the trip at all, but definitely not Pimpernel Took. "That wouldn’t be necessary." Merry said. Paladin raised an eyebrow at him. "I mean, I already know Nel pretty well." "Do you not like her?" Paladin said, misjudging Merry's hesitation. "Or are you just not of a mind to get married?" "It's just that…." Merry trailed off. "If you do not like Nel, I will not force her on you." The Thain said. Merry felt the tightening in his chest loosen. He just might get out of the Thain's office without a wife, after all. "You could wed Pervinca." Paladin put in. "She is only twenty-three, so you would have to wait a few years, but you do not seem to be in a hurry, anyway." "Pervinca?" Merry repeated dumbly. That desperate, squeezing feeling in his chest returned. "If you would like." Paladin said. "I would prefer Nel, myself, seeing how she is of age, but you are the one getting married." Merry could only stare at the Thain, with wide eyes. This had just gone from bad to worse. The Thain had not offered him one daughter, but the choice of two, and he didn’t want either of them. He wanted Pippin, but he was certainly not going to tell that to the Thain. "Meriadoc?" The Thain asked. "Nephew? You are not taking this as I thought you would. Do you not get on well with Nel? Or Pervinca?" "Oh, no." Merry said. "I like them both just fine." "Well, you can't have them both." The Thain joked. "You will have to pick one." "Oh, no." Merry said with a weak laugh. "I didn't mean to sound like I wanted them both." "You don’t really sound like you want either of them." The Thain stated flatly. "If you don’t want this, I will understand. If you do not like either of them, just tell me. I will not be angry." "Your daughter as beautiful, and sweet." Merry said. "Its not that I don’t like them…." "It's my son you want." Merry's silence, and his shocked, slack-jawed stare was all the answer the Thain needed. "Is that the way of it, Meriadoc?" The Thain said stiffly. "You and my son?" "Yes, sir." Merry said. He felt an odd sort of relief when the words were out, but at the same time, he was terrified for his life. "I often wondered if I made a mistake, turning him over to you." Paladin said. "I laid awake nights, Meriadoc, wondering if I did what was best for him. It pained me to do what I did, but I thought it was best, as you were the only person in the Shire he would behave for. It does not ease my heart to know that you were taking advantage of him." "I did nothing of the sort" Merry said, his voice raising in anger. "I never took advantage of him." "How old was he, Meriadoc?" The Thain spat. "How old was he, the first time you brought him to your bed. Eleven? Twelve?" The Thain slammed his hand down on the desk. "Answer me, Meriadoc!" "I have not lain with him." Was all Merry would give him. "Do not toy with me." The Thain shouted, his face reddening. "At this point, whether you have actually buggered him or not is of no consequence. When did you first touch him?" "He was fifteen." "Lady's grace, Meriadoc!" The Thain looked close to tears, his voice was choked and halting. "How could you? He was still a child!" "He stopped being a child long ago." Merry said threw his teeth. "He stopped being a child the day you laid your filthy hands on him!" Paladin shouted. Merry jumped up from the chair with enough force that it toppled over. "He stopped being a child the day you abandoned him!" "Do not turn this about on me. I only did what I thought was best." The Thain said. "As I said, I know now that I made a mistake." He paused, trying to calm himself. He studied Merry silently, then dropped his eyes. He rose from his chair, and walked around the desk, keeping an eye on Merry the whole time. Merry first thought the Thain was going to hit him, but he walked past him to the office door. "Send for my son." He said to the first person he saw, and slammed the door back shut. "I trusted you." The Thain said softly, turning back to Merry. "He trusted you, as well." "I have never played him false." Merry said, tears streaming down his face. "I love him, and I would never hurt him. I never will." "I do not intend to give you the chance." The Thain replied. "This ends today, Meriadoc. Today." The Thain hesitated, as if arguing with himself. "When my son arrives, you will go pack your things, and you will be gone in an hours time, or I will run you out myself." Pippin pushed the door open to find his father and his lover staring at each other, and he the distinct feeling that he wanted to be anywhere but his father's office. His father looked more furious that Pippin could ever remember, and Merry was hurt and crying. Merry's eyes flitted to Pippin, and Pippin saw him try to put on a brave face. "I would speak with you son." The Thain said. He eyed Merry sideways. "Alone." "Merry?" Pippin asked as Merry walked towards the door. "Sit down, Peregrin." His father said forecfully, pointing to the chair. He grimaced when he noticed that the chair was still overturned, and reached to right it, never taking his eyes off the two younger hobbits. Merry gave the Thain one last murderous glance, then turned his gaze to Pippin. He looked at Pippin through wet, blurry eyes, realizing that this might be the last time he looked at him. Everything his eyes touched sent a stabbing pain through his heart. His unruly, auburn curls. His bright green eyes. His perfect nose and his plump lower lip. He shuddered, and squeezed his eyes briefly to let the tears fall. He reached up, wanting to touch those curls one last time. Cupping the back of Pippin's neck, he pulled him close and kissed him, not giving a damn that the Thain was standing a few paces from him. "I love you, Peregrin Took." He said as he pulled away. "I always have, and I always will." He touched Pippin's face gently, and squeezed his hand. Pippin opened his mouth to speak, but Merry touched his lips lightly. His eyes flitted to the Thain, and then returned to his lover. "I will love you until the day I die." Pippin watched silently as Merry disappeared through the door. He felt the tears come, but did not have the strength to let them fall. All he wanted to do was lay down and die. Merry padded down one of the Smials back hallways, weeping with silent tears. He was glad for this side exit, not wanting to announce his banishment to the whole of the household. "Merry?" Merry recognized the voice and flinched. First the Thain, and now this. He was starting to think that both Eru and the Lady had abandoned him. He brushed the tears from his eyes, and tried to collect a shred of his dignity. Gripping the strap of the pack tightly, he turned around and faced her. "Pimpernel." He said flatly. Of all the hallways in this vast burrow, she had to choose the one he was slinking out of. "You are leaving." She returned just as flatly. It wasn't a question. "Your father has sent me away." Merry said simply. "He knows about you and my brother." She said. Again, not a question. Merry nodded almost imperceptibly, and dropped is eyes to the floor, but then brought them back up to search Nel's face. It was cold and hard and unmoved. "What did you expect, Merry?" Pimpernel asked. "That he would jump for joy? Dance a jig on his desk?" "I love him." Merry said. He shuddered as sobs from unshed tears wracked his body. "I love him so much." "It is what is best for him." Pimpernel said. "He wants to be with me." Merry said defensively. "He is too young to know better." Pimpernel said roughly. "He is too young to know that it is wrong." "Wrong?" Merry said, choking. "Wrong? I love him more that life itself, and that could not be wrong." "He is a lad, Merry, and your cousin." Nel said, her lips twisting in disgust. "And he is still a baby. If I know my father, that is what upset him more than anything. He trusted you with his child, his only son, and you turned around and brought him to your bed." "Is that what everyone thinks?" Merry asked in disbelief. "That all the time I spent with him all these years, all the time that I cared for him, was just some grand plan to bed him?" Nel cocked and eyebrow and gave him a self-satisfied smile, saying that was indeed what everyone thought. She eyed him eye him in disgust for a few moments, but Merry did not miss the hint of amusement in the corners of her eyes. "You could have had any lass in the Shire." She said finally. "Probably half the lads, too, if that was the way of things." "That doesn't matter. It never mattered." He said hotly. "All I ever wanted was Pippin." "You'll not have him anymore." She countered. "And I can’t say that I am not relieved. The sooner he forgets about you, and what you did to him, the better off he will be." "Is that what you think?" Merry asked. "That he will get a stern lecture from his father, have some dinner, and maybe a dose of something from the herbwife, and everything will be fine?" "I have no doubts that he will be hurt, seeing how deftly you wormed your way into his heart." She replied. "But he is young still. There is still a chance." "A chance for what?" Merry asked. "He is meant to be Thain one day." Pimpernel said impatiently, as if not understanding why Merry had not thought of it. "Did you think that you two would be allowed to carry on with each other forever, while the Shire cares for itself and family lines run dry?" "Family lines." Merry said with a snort. Of all the ridiculous things he had heard all day, this one had him tied. "Some things are more important than love." Nel said simply. "That is where you are wrong, Pimpernel Took." He said. "There is nothing more important than love. If I had to choose between Pippin and Brandy Hall, I would leave Buckland without looking back." "I would be more inclined to believe you, if you were not headed for Buckland as we speak." She said. "Actually, I am not." He said. "I am going to Bag End." "Bag End?" She said, cracking a sardonic smile. "I wouldn’t figure Master Baggins to be to your tastes." "And what do you mean by that?" He asked. "He is a mite old for you," She said wryly, "if my brother is any way to judge your preferences." He pursed his lips at her in contempt, and shook his head silently as he turned around. He got a few paces down the hall, but stopped because he heard her laughing. "Tell me something, Nel." He said, turning back towards her. She stopped laughing and raised a questioning eyebrow. "What bothers you the most? That I want your brother, or that I don’t want you?" He lingered long enough to see her face contort in fury. He flashed her a satisfied smile, and turned back around, leaving her in the hallway to cry alone. Thus ends Chapter Nine, as Pervinca tells it. Chapter Eight | Chapter Ten back to the Blue Book