Cat & Dog Poems
FROM YOUR DOG
You feed me when I'm hungry.
You keep water in my dish.
You let me sleep on anything.
Or in anyplace I wish.
You sometimes let me lick your hands.
Or even lick your face.
Despite the fact I've licked myself
In every private place.
You taught me how to come when called.
You taught me how to sit.
You always let me go outside.
So I can stay fit.
I've been with you through oh so much.
Through laughter and through tears.
I hope you live to be a hundred.
That's 700 in doggy years.
THINGS DOGS MUST TRY TO REMEMBER
* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
* I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, frogs, etc.
* I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
* "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
* I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
* I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my
people will think I am hemorrhaging.
* When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside.
* We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
* I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
* The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
CATS & DOGS
What Is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in cheap fur coats.
What Is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but
don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and
then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in cheap little fur coats.
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to
lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in
the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't.
To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and
let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place
your nose as close as you can to the other dog s rear end and inhale
deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a
week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to
push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded
with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy
crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to
control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a
bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the
person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person
want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.
Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to
warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and
old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew
the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it
is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor,
walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !",
especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly
effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular
Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when
combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and
without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your
tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.