Episode 8 - Gesundheit
ACT ONE
INT. THE MAGIC BOX - DAY (DAY TWO)
A slow PAN across the Magic Box, from right to left.
From off-screen we hear a loud..
ANYA (O.S.)
Ah-Choo!
as we continue to PAN, as a few customers are startled
when they suddenly hear..
ANYA (O.S.)
Ah-Choo!
as we continue to PAN to Giles serving a customer at
the counter. He hands over the merchandise.
GILES
(to customer, smiling)
Please come again.
ANYA (O.S.)
Ah-Choo!
The customer reacts as if a gunshot has just gone off.
Giles, still smiling, does his best to act if
everything is fine with the world. The customer
hurriedly leaves. Giles casts an eye in the direction
of the training room. We PAN over towards the training
room door and then we enter..
INT. THE MAGIC BOX/TRAINING ROOM - DAY
We continue to PAN, again from right to left until we
see..
ANGLE : CHRISTOPHER
by a table, modifying some crossbows. He is shaving
off the back end of the crossbow to form a sharp
pointy end. He is momentarily distracted when he
hears..
ANYA (O.S.)
Ah-Choo!
A quick beat and he continues with his work. We PAN
across the training room to where we see Buffy, Willow
and Dawn. Buffy and Dawn are at one end of the couch
while Willow is sitting on the floor next to them.
They are all staring at something to the left of
screen.
ANYA (O.S.)
Ah-Choo!
They grimace in reaction. Buffy pulls out a tissue
from a box next to her and offers it to someone. We
PAN across to the other end of the couch where we see
Anya with a very red nose taking the tissue from
Buffy. Anya looks like she's about to say something to
Buffy when..
ANYA
Ah-Choo!
Willow waits for a beat, making sure that the sneezing
fit is over, then..
WILLOW
Gesundheit.
ANYA
(blocked nose, wearily)
Thank you.
Anya blows her nose into the tissue.
DAWN
Wow! That was like ten in a row. Two
more than last time.
BUFFY
Yeah, and the time between your
sneezing fits is starting to
shorten. If those were contractions,
we'd be rushing you off to the
hospital by now.
WILLOW
(little giggle to herself,
enjoying her private
visual imagery)
Baby Anya.
Tara enters from off-screen and hands Anya a cup of
something warm. She then sits down next to Willow.
TARA
(to Anya)
You really should go home and get
some rest. I hear chicken soup works
for this.
ANYA
I'm fine. This cold is nothing.
(takes a sip and makes a
disgusted face)
Oh God! What's this?
TARA
Some of Mr Giles' tea.
BUFFY
It's good for you. Drink up.
ANYA
(cranky)
This is how you people treat someone
in distress? First you make light of
their predicament and then you serve
them some of Giles' disgusting,
possibly poisonous and certainly
odious molasses-like brew?
GILES (O.S.)
It's Twinings actually.
A beat as the group turn towards the direction of the
voice and hearing nothing more, resume their
conversation.
BUFFY
(to Anya)
Just take it like medicine. How does
the saying go? Feed a cold, starve a
flu. No, that doesn't make sense.
WILLOW
I think it's starve a fever, feed a
cold.
DAWN
I thought you had to starve a cold.
BUFFY
Wait, wasn't there something that
went 'Eat me' or 'Drink me'?
TARA
I think that's Alice in Wonderland.
ANYA
Starve an Alice in what? What are
you people talking about?
WILLOW
Calm down Anya. You're acting like
you've never caught a cold before.
ANYA
If I did, I don't remember it. You
know, say all you like about
vengeance demons being evil,
soulless demonic entities but I've
yet to meet one who had to go to the
Chemist and decide between something
ridiculous called Sudafed, Dimetapp
and Robitussin. Why can't they just
call it something like 'Super Happy
Cold Flu' or.. or 'Flu Away'. That
works.
DAWN
Hey, that's kinda catchy.
ANYA
And to be infected by such a common
ailment. It's beneath me.
WILLOW
So says the ex-demon formerly known
as Anyanka.
BUFFY
Anya, it's just a cold. You know, a
cold is a cold is a cold.
ANYA
What does that even mean?
BUFFY
(sheepishly)
I don't know.
TARA
(to Anya)
We all catch it. You'll be fine
again in a few days.
ANYA
But it's so useless.. and pointless.
I mean, say with a toothache, it's
your body telling you that you need
that tooth to be fixed. Yay, point!
But with a cold? What's your body
trying to tell you?
(adopting a voice)
Hello, I'm going to be sick today.
No reason really, just to spite you.
And, you know what? There's really
nothing you can do about it. I'll
give you a sore throat for no
reason, and a headache and fever for
no reason, and as an added bonus,
I've decided to leak some mucus out
of your nostrils.. So, not only am I
now weak and ill, I'm potentially a
walking social faux pas.
WILLOW
(to Tara)
You know, I'm kinda starting to miss
cheery Christmas Anya.
Buffy gets up and walks over to Christopher, still at
the table modifying the crossbows. Buffy stands by
Christopher's side, waiting for him to acknowledge
her. Buffy finally clears her throat.
CHRISTOPHER
Oh. Hello Buffy.
Christopher gets back to his work. Buffy persists.
BUFFY
So, whatchya doing?
CHRISTOPHER
(not meeting her gaze)
I'm just making some minor
adjustments to some of your
crossbows.
BUFFY
Ooh. More DIY death and destruction.
I think I missed that special Martha
Stewart holiday episode.
CHRISTOPHER
Quite.
Christopher looks a little uncomfortable, not wanting
to meet her eyes.
BUFFY
So, you've been in contact with the
Council?
CHRISTOPHER
(just a little startled)
Sorry?
BUFFY
About the General. Any new news?
Or.. even old news? Let's face it,
right about now, I'll take any kind
of news. Heck, I'll even settle for
some 'National Enquirer' news if
you've got some of that lying
around.
CHRISTOPHER
No, there's been nothing.
BUFFY
(dissapointed, then..)
Well, can you make something up?
Christopher gives Buffy a look.
BUFFY
(off the look)
Right, okay.. serious slayer mode
on.
Christopher finishes with the crossbow he's working
on. He points it at Buffy. Buffy looks a little
disconcerted.
CHRISTOPHER
Take a look.
He hands it towards Buffy. Buffy takes a cursory look.
BUFFY
Yeah, looks like a crossbow.
CHRISTOPHER
Turn it around.
Buffy turns the crossbow around to find herself facing
the pointy wooden end of the crossbow. Instant stake.
BUFFY
(raising her eyebrows)
Reversible slayage. Impressive.
Christopher hands her a bolt. Buffy begins to arm the
crossbow.
CHRISTOPHER
Now, with the back end modified, you
may find the weight distribution
altered. It would be wise for you to
get some practice with this new..
Buffy casually turns around, hardly takes a second to
aim and lets the bolt fly. It slams into the practice
dummy in the middle of the room, right in the middle
of the little red heart painted on the dummy.
ANGLE : CHRISTOPHER
reaction shot : reserved English version of
flabbergasted.
ANGLE : WILLOW, TARA, DAWN AND ANYA
Willow, Tara and Dawn smiling and looking impressed.
Anya looking less so.
Buffy throws the crossbow back to Christopher.
BUFFY
Cool.
Buffy exits the training room.
ANGLE : WILLOW, TARA, DAWN AND ANYA
TARA
I love it when she does that super
cool slayer stuff.
DAWN
Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it.
WILLOW
The girl does love her exits.
Anya takes this all in. She stands up, resolved. She
starts to walk over to Christopher.
DAWN
Anya, where are you going?
ANYA
It doesn't look that hard. I can be
crossbow girl too.
WILLOW
Uh oh.
ANYA
No, I can do this. Just point and
shoot right? I've used a camera
before.
WILLOW
Yeah, but I don't think Kodak has
expanded into the market of medieval
weaponry, at least not just yet.
Anya has now reached Christopher at the table.
ANYA
(to Willow across the
room)
I know a lot more about weaponry
than you give me credit for.
(to Christopher)
Now if you'll just load the small
killing thing into the big killing
thing.
Christopher gives Anya a look, then arms the crossbow
for her. He carefully hands the crossbow to Anya,
making sure the crossbow is pointed at somewhere safe
at all times.
CHRISTOPHER
Just hold it steady, relax, aim..
and fire.
Anya takes a deep breath and focuses on the dummy. She
shoots. The bolt misses the target.. badly. It slams
into the punching bag way to the left of the dummy.
An awkward silence descends on the training room. A
beat as everyone stares at the punching bag (now with
a big hole in it) as it gently sways to and fro,
squeaking as it sways. Nothing but the sound of
squeaking.
ANYA
(enthusiastically)
Do over!
ANGLE : WILLOW, TARA AND DAWN
as they share a look. They then quietly get up and
start inching away from the kill zone.
INT. THE MAGIC BOX - DAY
The shop has emptied out. We see Buffy and Giles
behind the counter. From off-screen, we hear the twang
of a bolt being released, followed by the sound of
something breaking. Buffy and Giles look over towards
the training room for a beat and then return to their
convesation.
BUFFY
I'm worried Giles. It was a pretty
clear message. If we force their
hand, they won't just come after me.
They'll come after everyone. At
least, everyone that matters to me.
GILES
Yes, I know.
BUFFY
I don't think I can protect anyone,
not unless we find out more about
the General and his friends.
GILES
We'll redouble our efforts. I'm sure
something will come up.. And I'll
give the Council another call, get
them off their laurels.
BUFFY
Oh, Chris already called. He said
they had nothing.
Giles nods unconvinvingly, remaining quiet. Buffy
notices his change in demeanour.
BUFFY
What?
GILES
Perhaps we shouldn't put our
complete faith and trust in him. He
may be an old friend, but he's also
Council. He's part of the system.
BUFFY
Well, you're Council and I trust you
with my life. Maybe he's okay.
GILES
There was something else. The last
time I was at his apartment, I saw
him hide something in his desk.
BUFFY
Did you see what it was?
GILES
No, but he didn't seem too keen on
letting me take a second look. I
don't know. Maybe it's nothing.
BUFFY
Yeah, there could be any number of
reasons why he's all non-disclosy.
It doesn't always have to be
sinister. I just think maybe we
should give him the benefit of the
doubt.
(earnestly to Giles)
He saved Dawn. I owe him one.
Giles nods, accepting Buffy's words.
BUFFY
I think he can be a friend. And
right now, we need a friend.. I need
a friend.
INT. HARMONY'S CAVE - DAY
We see Harmony and another vampire called DeGarrin on
a bed. DeGarrin is a thin but tough-looking vampire
who looks like he has been in his share of scrapes.
DeGarrin is sitting up on one end of the bed, playing
with a very big, sharp knife. Harmony is happily lying
on the bed, facing DeGarrin, playing footsies.
HARMONY
Have I told you how much I like love
your accent.. It's so Euro. I used
to date someone who sounded a little
like you but you got him totally
beat on the hair.
DeGarrin continues to absent-mindedly play with his
knife, a lot seemingly on his mind.
HARMONY
Know what I also love? Your name.
DeGarrin. It's so exotic-like. It's
like you're named after that
airport, you know, in France.
Totally a better name than Harmony.
My parents must have had some kind
of brain-spaz when they came up with
that. I mean, sure it's all cute and
charming when you're a baby, you
know when you get all the cool
presents. But couldn't they like see
that Harmony doesn't cut it as a
teenager? And as a vampire? Forget
it. I've got all this added pressure
now to make it, you know, all
ironic-like.
DEGARRIN
Don't you ever stop talking?
HARMONY
Well it's not like you're Mr Chatty.
I mean, you come breezing into
Sunnydale from who knows where to do
who knows what to who knows whom.
We've been hanging out for a few
days now and I still don't know
anything about you. You know, I'm
starting to have second thoughts
about this relationship.
DEGARRIN
Well, if you want me to leave..
HARMONY
(panicy)
Oh, don't leave. I'm sorry. You can
totally crash here for as long as
you like.
DEGARRIN
I won't stay long. I'm just passing
through.
HARMONY
(dissapointed)
You are? Well, maybe I could go with
you. I mean, Sunnydale's totally
dead, you know, ever since that new
gang's moved in.
DEGARRIN
(interested)
Really? Tell me more.
HARMONY
The gang? I don't know much really.
I know a few of the vamps who've
joined but I hardly see them
anymore. They're like so busy
working for the man, they don't even
have time to share a vein with an
old friend.
DEGARRIN
It sounds interesting. Maybe we
should go and have a look-see.
HARMONY
Oh no. They've got like some weird
cult thing going on. I've decided
that it's time for me to become my
own person, you know, not become a
follower, break out of my old habits
and..
DEGARRIN
I think we should go.
HARMONY
(meekly)
Okay.
BLACKOUT
END OF ACT ONE
CONTINUE TO ACT TWO