Episode 8 - Gesundheit
ACT FOUR
EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
We see Buffy and Giles standing in front of Giles'
car, looking at a map placed on the bonnet. The car is
parked near a small wooden house. We can also catch a
glimpse of an abandoned car parked around the corner
of the house. There are no trees or grass around a
large area of the house, nothing but dirt. Xander's
car arrives. Xander and Anya get out of the car. Anya,
still sniffling and in a big warm coat.
ANYA
(looking around)
What happened?
BUFFY
Looks like the Arits had themselves
a feast here. Nothing left but the
shell of a house and that car over
there.
XANDER
A shell?
BUFFY
I had a quick peek through a window.
There's like nothing in there, no
couches, no television, no
wallpaper.. no people.
GILES
Yes, it looks rather like it has
been stripped clean.
Xander takes a little walk around, taking a look at
the car parked next to the house. We can see it's
missing all its windows.
BUFFY
(to Giles)
So, where do we go from here?
GILES
Well, I don't think there's much
more we can do today. We'd better
start heading back to town before it
gets dark.
BUFFY
Well, at least we know where that
is.
XANDER
Guys. Don't you think it's kinda
weird that that car looks untouched
except for the fact that it's
missing all its windows.
Buffy and Giles walk towards Xander, taking a second
look at the car.
BUFFY
Are we thinking bug central?
GILES
There's one way to find out.
(to Anya standing by
Giles' car)
Anya, play the tape for a second.
Anya gets in the car and plays the tape on Giles' tape
deck. A shrill high-pitched chirping sounds through
the speakers. Anya shuts it off after a beat. She
looks at Buffy, Xander and Giles in front of her,
looking at the suspect car. She then looks down at the
tape deck in front of her.
Buffy, Xander and Giles are peering around the corner
of the house, studying the car. We see the car
suddenly come alive with movement, its colour starting
to change.
XANDER
I'd say we have lift-off.
Buffy reaches out with her hand, placing it on the
wall of the house for support as she takes another
look around the corner. She immediately senses
something wrong, pulling her hand back.
Giles and Xander notices Buffy's actions. They too
start to look at the wall with trepidation.
She notices for the first time that the window frames
in the house do not contain any panels of glass. She
carefully reaches out with a finger and touches the
wall again.
As she pulls her finger back, we see movement in the
area of the wall she touched, changing colours to
match her skin colour.
BUFFY
Uh oh.
ANGLE : BUFFY, GILES AND XANDER
backs to the camera, slowly starting to back away from
the house in front of them. We see that the entire
house is now coming alive with movement, the creatures
stirring. We start to hear a low buzzing sound,
gradually getting louder and louder.
Buffy, Giles and Xander run to their cars.
BUFFY
(to Xander)
You and Anya dissapear! We'll lead
them to the warehouse!
Buffy and Giles gets in the car. Giles starts the
engine while Buffy presses 'Play' on the tape deck.
Nothing happens. She tries again, then presses the
'Eject' button to find that the tape is missing.
BUFFY
(to Giles)
Where's the tape?
From off-screen, we hear a car engine starting. Giles
and Buffy immediately look towards Xander's car.
Xander, still standing by Giles' car does likewise.
REVERSE ANGLE:
Anya in the driver's seat of Xander's car.
XANDER
An!
ANGLE : ANYA
inside the car, as she inserts the tape into the tape
deck. A loud, continuous high-pitched chirping from
the car's speakers.
Xander runs to the passenger side of the car and leans
in through the side window.
XANDER
What are you doing?
ANYA
In or out?
XANDER
What?
Anya gestures for Xander to look behind him. Xander
does so.
REVERSE ANGLE:
We see the house and the car disintegrating from top
to bottom as the creatures fly apart, and then start
reforming into a swarm.
XANDER
In!
Xander jumps in through the window as Anya steps on
the gas, the car propelling wildly forward, starting
to speed away from the house.
ANGLE : BUFFY AND GILES
instinctively ducking in the car as the swarm speeds
past their car at high speed. When the swarm passes
by, Buffy and Giles looks back up at the swarm chasing
Xander's car with Anya at the wheel.
BUFFY
This isn't good.
Giles puts the car into drive and drives off, chasing
the swarm.
INT. XANDER'S CAR - DAY
Anya very concentraty at the wheel, Xander just
recovering from his dive, slowly getting back into an
upright position.
XANDER
An, you sure you thought this
through?
ANYA
Of course I have. I lure the swarm
into the warehouse, they go boom,
everybody appreciates me. Simple,
easy.. happy endings for all.
XANDER
(starting to slide over to
the driver's seat)
Let me slide over and take the
wheel.
Anya nonchalantly pushes Xander back into his seat
with one hand, eyes still firmly on the road.
ANYA
Oh come on, that only works in the
movies.
XANDER
(suddenly spotting
something)
Brake for the turn! Brake for the
turn!
Anya brakes.
EXT. THE TURN-OFF - DAY
We see the car braking, wheels screeching, and just
make the tight turn back onto the main road. The car
exits off-screen and we are left with the sign in the
middle of the screen; 'The End of the World is Nigh;
Defend Yourselves!'. After a beat, we hear a loud
buzzing and then we see the swarm fly by, chasing the
car. The sign disintegrates, breaking up into
individual creatures as they break apart and join the
swarm.
INT. XANDER'S CAR - DAY
We see Xander looking very nervous at Anya's driving.
ANYA
(excitedly)
Look Xander! I'm doing it!
XANDER
Where'd you learn to drive?
ANYA
Oh! That's easy. I just pick it up
from watching other people do it.
You know, like with the crossbow.
Xander lets that last piece of information sink in. He
frantically puts on his seatbelt.
Xander sticks his head out the window to look behind
him.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
WIDE SHOT; Xander's car (with Xander's head sticking
out, looking back) speeding down the road towards the
bottom of the screen while in the background in the
sky, a large black swarm quickly gains on it.
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
ANGLE : WILLOW
Willow sticking her head back in from looking out the
large open warehouse door, a walkie-talkie in her
hand.
WILLOW
(speaking into the walkie-
talkie)
Say again?
XANDER (O.S.)
We're incoming. Are you guys ready?
WILLOW
Yup. Chris has got everything rigged
up and ready to go.
ANGLE : CHRISTOPHER AND TARA
walking closer to Willow, trying to listen in. In the
background we can see they are all in a large empty
abandoned warehouse. At the other end of the
warehouse, we see another large, open warehouse door.
WILLOW
How far away are Buffy and Giles?
INT. XANDER'S CAR - DAY
XANDER
(into walkie-talkie)
We're bringing them in.
WILLOW (O.S.)
You're driving them in?
XANDER
(looking over a little
nervously at Anya)
Um.. not exactly.
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
WILLOW
(confused)
You're not.. then who?
ANYA (O.S.)
(through the walkie-
talkie)
Ah-Choo!
Willow and Tara share a nervous look.
EXT. SUNNYDALE ROAD -DAY
A car speeding across the screen, followed closely by
a swarm.
INT. XANDER'S CAR - DAY
Xander and Anya speeding along. The buzzing getting
louder and louder.
We see one of the creatures land on the car, just
outside the partially-closed passenger window by
Xander. It starts chewing away at car antennae, biting
through the metal.
Xander and Anya share a look. We see the window slowly
whir to a close on the creature.
ANYA
Yeah, that'd keep it out.
We suddenly see another creature crawl down from the
top of the front windscreen. It looks at Xander and
Anya through the windscreen. Xander and Anya stare
back, waiting.
The creature draws its head back and strikes the
windscreen, causing a small hole in the windscreen,
the glass cracking around it like a spider's web.
Anya and Xander frantically fiddle at some switches, a
little panicy.
ANYA
Get it off!
XANDER
I'm trying, I'm trying!
EXT. SUNNYDALE ROAD - DAY
The car starting to swerve wildly as Xander and Anya
are distracted.
INT. XANDER'S CAR - DAY
ANGLE ON : WINDSCREEN
We see water spurt out from the window washers,
drenching the creature. Eventually, they find the
wipers, which activates and swipes the creature off
the windscreen.
ANYA
Oh! There's the warehouse!
ANGLE ON : WINDSCREEN
through which we see, a long way down the road, a
warehouse with its doors open.
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
Willow, Tara and Christopher see the car approaching.
CHRISTOPHER
They're coming. Get into position.
We see a flurry of activity as the three head to their
assigned positions.
INT. XANDER'S CAR - DAY
ANYA
Xander, We're going to make it!
We're going to.. Ah-Choo!
Anya closes her eyes and veers the car as she sneezes.
The car starts to slide towards the opposite side of
the road.
XANDER
An! Look out!
Anya over-corrects, losing control of the car. She
slams on the brakes but the car runs off the side of
the road and slams into a ditch.
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
Willow sees this.
WILLOW
(alarmed, shouting)
They crashed!
Willow immediately takes off on foot towards the car,
a long way off yet. Christopher and Tara follow close
behind.
INT. XANDER'S CAR - DAY
All is still. The tape is still playing. Slowly, Anya
and Xander groggily recover, trying to get their
bearings.
XANDER
An, you okay?
Anya nods groggily. Anya tries to get the car going
but the engine refuses to start. They suddenly hear a
clunk on the top of the car, followed by another a
short time later.
XANDER
The tape!
Xander fumbles at the controls, taking a few precious
seconds to shut it off. They sit quietly for a beat,
listening intently. Another clunk, followed by
another, then a whole series, one followed quickly by
another, like hail. We see more an more creatures land
on the car, starting to envelop it as the main swarm
arrives.
INT. GILES' CAR - DAY
Giles driving, speeding along the road. Both are
scanning the road ahead, looking for Xander's car and
the swarm.
BUFFY
Where'd they go?
WILLOW (O.S.)
(through walkie-talkie)
Buffy, can you hear me? They
crashed.
GILES
Dear Lord.
BUFFY
(into w-talkie)
Willow, where are they?
WILLOW
They should be somewhere in front of
you, just off the road.
Buffy and Giles scans the road in front intensely.
Giles sees something way up the road.
GILES
(pointing)
There!
REVERSE ANGLE:
to show Xander's car still a way off, immobilised. We
see the car being covered with the creatures (in a
tight bond), almost completely enveloping it.
A startled look from Buffy and Giles as Giles speeds
up.
INT. XANDER'S CAR - DAY
We see the interior of the car getting darker and
darker as the creatures envelop the car, covering all
the windows.
Xander and Anya look around, a little panicked.
ANYA
We have to get out!
XANDER
No, we won't last a second out
there. Try the engine again.
Anya does so but it fails to start. The last bit of
light dissapears in the car as the car is completely
enveloped by the creatures. Darkness.
After a beat, we hear a click as Xander switches on
the interior car light. We hear a loud buzzing come
from the creatures outside.
ANYA
Xander, what do we do?
XANDER
I don't know.
Suddenly, we hear loud tapping sounds. The two turn to
see the creatures on the front windshield begin to
strike at the windshield, starting to crack it in many
places.
The two have a look of resignation on their faces.
ANYA
I'm sorry.
Xander just takes Anya's hand and looks at her.
The front windshield shatters. The creatures start to
move in, slowly and deliberately in a wedge formation,
with one creature taking the lead at the front.
Anya and Xander, still looking at each other.
ANYA
Xander, I lo.., I lo.. Ah-Choo!
Anya turns as she sneezes, sneezing right into the
lead creature.
ANGLE ON : THE CREATURE
It stands there for a second, not doing anything.
Suddenly, its big black eyes turn grey, a green CGI
glow briefly passing through its body. It drops dead.
We see the green glow pass on to the next creature and
the creature after that, moving from one creature to
another. More and more creatures fall dead.
EXT. SUNNYDALE ROAD - DAY
Giles' car pulls up close to Xander's car. Giles and
Buffy rush out. We see Christopher, then Willow and
Tara running over to the same spot. Buffy and Giles
stare at Xander's car, now a giant ball of squirming
creatures. The remaining creatures are laid out on the
ground, tightly packed in a large circle around the
car, unable to fit on it.
Buffy is about to rush forward to the car when she
sees something happen.
ANGLE : XANDER'S CAR COVERED BY CREATURES.
We see the green CGI glow radiate out from the front
of the car, spreading to each and every creature on
the car, the creatures dropping dead and falling off
as it does so. The glow spreads from the creatures on
the car to the many creatures on the ground. Soon,
every creature is dead. Creatures laying dead on top
of the car and falling off the side of the car.
Buffy, Willow, Giles, Christopher and Tara stand there
dumbfounded. After a beat..
BUFFY
Xander? Anya?
ANGLE ON: XANDER'S CAR
Nothing happens for a second, then we see the
passenger door begin to open. Xander has to push hard
on the door, as it is being blocked by a mound of dead
creatures piled up against the door.
We see Xander and Anya wearily climb out of the car,
stepping on the creatures as they do so. A crunching
sound. They dust some of the dead creatures off
themselves.
BUFFY
Oh, thank God.
TARA
Are you guys okay?
WILLOW
What happened?
XANDER
An totally took care of them.
WILLOW
Way to go Anya.
ANYA
Oh spare me your condescension.
WILLOW
O..kay
XANDER
An.
ANYA
I know what you all secretly think
of me. You all think I'm useless
right?
WILLOW
Secretly? Anya, don't you know by
now we don't secretly think anything
of you. Everything's pretty much out
in the open.
TARA
We'd never think you're useless.
ANYA
Why wouldn't you? I mean, that was
my heroic moment. All I had to do
was drive fast.. and straight and I
couldn't even do that.
BUFFY
But you totally wiped out those
demons, I mean..
ANYA
That? That wasn't heroic. That was
an irritation in my nose causing an
involuntary spasmodic action
resulting in an explosive outburst
of mucus.
WILLOW
Oh.. Gesundheit.
ANYA
Thank you.
TARA
You um.. sneezed them to death?
WILLOW
The demons musn't be immune to human
diseases.
GILES
And they must have been linked when
they were exposed to such a high
concentration of bacteria. A
reaction in one transferring to the
next and so forth.
BUFFY
Wow. H G Wells meets the Domino
Theory.
ANYA
(blocked nose talk)
It was just a stupid cold. This
stupid cold. You want it? You can
have it. All it does is make you
feel even more useless than normal.
I mean, it was bad enough before in
the Magic Box when I wasn't
contributing, but what made it worse
was that no one even noticed I
wasn't contributing. Like it's
expected.
WILLOW
You contribute.
ANYA
How do I contribute, really?
XANDER
An, I totally think you rock.
ANYA
You don't count. You have imperfect
eyes.
XANDER
I do?
ANYA
Yes, you have to say those things
otherwise you'd get no sex.
BUFFY
Okay, now verging on uncomfortable
sex talk.
ANYA
When I look at all of you. I see how
you all are. Everyone's so good and
perfect. It makes me nauseous.
BUFFY
Oh God, we're so not perfect.
ANYA
Of course you are. It's the Scooby
checklist. Buffy, you're like the
super slayer, Willow's this powerful
witch and a braniac to boot, Giles
is Giles, Dawns's super smart,
Tara's this wise owl who always
knows exactly what to say and
Xander,
(turning to Xander)
you're the most courageous person I
know.
(a beat)
But what am I? I'll tell you what I
am, I'm the freakin' comic relief.
WILLOW
You are?
XANDER
An, you're using this ridiculous
picture of what a human should be.
We all screw up. You're this
beautifully complicated person with
faults and virtues. Don't you know
how proud I am of you?
TARA
None of us are perfect.
WILLOW
Yeah, you know, we're all fumbling
along, just like you.
The Scoobs seem to be getting through to Anya, who
seems to be calming down now.
BUFFY
(taking charge)
Anya, you're a scoobie, you're one
of us, for better or for worse. We
couldn't get rid of you and you
can't get rid of us. Do you get it?
Anya, feeling a little better nods. Buffy smiles and
just squeezes Anya'a arm consolingly.
The group begin to disperse, drama over. Xander puts
an arm around Anya as they walk away. Buffy takes a
look around.
BUFFY
(to Giles)
How's this going to work?
GILES
Well, we can take a few people back
in the car first while the others
pack up the explosives.
BUFFY
Check. Chris, Xander and I will
handle it. You take Will, Tara and
Anya back in the old Giles mobile.
Giles heads off with Willow, Tara and Anya. Xander
sidles up to Buffy, scratching his head and looking at
his car, covered with thousands of tiny demons.
XANDER
Insurance?
BUFFY
(taking a look at the
scene before her)
I'm thinking, a tough sell.
ANGLE : GILES CAR
Giles gets into the car. Willow, Tara and Anya
following.
WILLOW
(indicating the front
seat)
Who wants the front?
ANYA
(jumping in)
Oh! Me.
(off Willow's look)
What? I'm sick.
Anya gets in the front seat. Tara and Willow share a
smile.
WILLOW
(to herself as she gets in
the back)
Beautifully complicated, my ass.
EXT. XANDER'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - DAY (DAY 4)
We see Anya, still with a red nose, sitting up in bed,
in her pyjamas. She looks happy and content. We see
Xander coming in with a tray which holds a bowl and a
few different cups and mugs.
XANDER
(placing the tray in front
of Anya)
Flu express coming through. May I
interest you in today's specials
fair lady. We have lemon and honey
water, ginger tea, herbal tea,
peppermint candy and our old
favourite, chicken soup.
ANYA
Do you ever wonder if chickens get
colds? And if so, would we be
feeding them chicken soup?
XANDER
Have to say, haven't really given it
much thought.
(re the items on the tray)
You know, I'm not exactly sure any
of these things will work.
ANYA
That's okay. I'm starting to love
this stupid cold.
Xander smiles, looking at Anya while she takes a
closer look at the items before her.
ANYA
Are you going to work now?
XANDER
Yup! Got the rental outside, ready
to roll.
ANYA
Could you stop off at the Magic Box
on your break. See if Giles needs
me?
XANDER
Forget Giles. I'm stopping off back
here to check if you need me.
ANYA
Why?
XANDER
Because, An, you're perfect in my
imperfect eyes.
Anya beams. Xander returns a smile then turns and
begins to go, but then..
XANDER
Oh, there's something I wanted to
say that I didn't say earlier,
possibly on account of me being
almost knocked unconscious.
ANYA
What?
XANDER
I'm proud of you.
ANYA
You've said that already.
XANDER
But wait for the rider. I'm proud of
you, not because you're an ex-demon
who's trying to be human. I'm proud
of you because you're a human who's
trying to be decent, and that's not
always so easy in this world. The
beauty is in the effort, the trying,
you know? That's your heroic moment
right there. It's something I get to
see everyday.
Xander kisses Anya on her forehead and the two smile.
Xander exits.
Anya, left all alone, takes a look at the tray in
front of her. Still sniffling, she suddenly feels a
sneeze coming on. She tries a cup of something on the
tray in front of her and waits. No sneeze.
Anya smiles, relaxed. She switches on the television
with a remote and sits back, watching the tube. She
looks peaceful, serene and content. We hold on this
scene for a beat and then slowly FADE TO..
ANYA
AH-CHOO!
BLACK.
BLACKOUT
END OF SHOW
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