Episode 14 - Mousetrap
ACT THREE
INT. RAT'S LAIR/PRISON - DAY
ANGLE ON : A CHAIN
as it clinks and rattles as someone tugs on it.
We PAN up to see Giles working away at the chain,
trying to free himself. Sasha watches, amused.
SASHA
You're never going to get free.
Giles ignores Sasha and keeps working on the chain.
SASHA
I remember we had a dog, a long,
long time ago. We always used to
keep it chained up at night, and
every night, it would bark and bite
and tug at the chain, always trying
to get itself free. Of course, there
was no way it was ever going to
succeed, but it never stopped
trying, even when its neck started
to bleed. Mother used to tell me
that was the difference between us
and the animals. We know when to
give up.
GILES
(deadpan)
Remind me never to leave my pets
with you when I go on a trip.
SASHA
(with a wry smile)
One of these days Rupert, you're
going to have to start to take me
seriously.
Giles continues to ignore Sasha. Sasha is having fun.
SASHA
What happened to us Rupie? We used
to have such lovely little talks.
You're just so quiet these days.
What's going on in that pretty head
of yours?
Sasha stares at Giles, half in shadow.
SASHA
I bet I can tell. I bet you're
thinking why am I here? Why me? What
would a giant demon rat want with
me, a retired librarian.. an
aspiring middle-aged folk musician..
(then pointedly)
a watcher.
Giles sits up, a thought suddenly occuring to him.
SASHA
(noticing)
Aah, a moment of clarity. If they
have me, they have the slayer. If
they have the slayer, they have
Sunnydale. You see, in the end, it
all boils down to such a simple
need. Power. Those who don't have
it, strive for it. Those who once
had it will arise from the ashes and
claim it back.
Giles listens with interest.
SASHA
You see Rupert, you're nothing more
than the bait in their trap, and
your dear slayer and all her little
friends are going to walk right into
it.
GILES
I'm not worried. They'll know what's
going on. I think they might just
surprise you.
INT. THE MAGIC BOX - DAY
ANGLE : BUFFY
BUFFY
Okay, does anybody know what to do?
We CUT to a wide shot showing Buffy standing and
addressing the rest of the Scoobs who are sitting at
the table.
BUFFY
Anybody? There's a nice piece of
cheesecake in it for you.
Silence. Everyone stumped. We hear the soft drone of a
television set turned on in the background.
BUFFY
Will?
WILLOW
Why does everyone always look at me
when it comes to stuff like this?
BUFFY
Cause, if zombies ever did rise from
their graves, you'd totally be their
first port of call. What with that
big Willowy brain of yours.
WILLOW
Thanks for that juicy compliment.
XANDER
Oh! And hey, when I needed cash to
fix my bike that time, you totally
planned that sausage sizzle sale all
by yourself.
(to the Scoobs)
It was so cool. We grabbed a bunch
of sausages from the freezer, cooked
them ourselves, stuck them on a bun
and sold them to complete strangers
at a food fair.
WILLOW
Xander, we were twelve.
XANDER
See! You had it way back then even.
WILLOW
People got sick with food poisoning.
Remember? Our parents had to send
all those 'don't sue me' hampers out
to all those people.
XANDER
Oh yeah.. But botulism aside..
WILLOW
No, really. I don't have a plan. If
someone else can come up with a
plan, I could maybe draw little
arrows.. or ..or highlight the
important points. I'm good with the
fluorescence.
DAWN
(to Buffy)
What about you? I mean, you being
the slayer and all.
BUFFY
No, not me. I'm like the hired goon
but, you know, prettier.
DAWN
But you've killed all these demons.
The big, the ugly, the evil.. all
those nasty adjectives.
XANDER
Yeah, I'm sure you can come through.
You just have to reach the inner
Giles within you.
Buffy shakes her head. Anya clears her throat.
ANYA
Hey, is someone even going to
mention me? I'm right here.
BUFFY
(a slight roll of the eye)
Okay Anya, what's your plan?
ANYA
Oh, I don't actually have a plan. I
was just feeling a little left out.
A silent beat as the group ponders the enigma that is
Anya.
TARA
Okay. so they're these giant, demony
rats.. but they're still rats,
right?
BUFFY
(interested)
Right.
TARA
So, what do we know about rats?
More silence.
XANDER
Don't look at me. I was eight before
I found out that they weren't
actually any rats in Ratatooie.
ANYA
There isn't?
BUFFY
Doesn't anyone remember high school
biology? You know, with the icky
dissections?
DAWN
We're doing toads. That's a whole
different kind of ick.
Buffy turns to Xander.
XANDER
The only thing I got out of high
school was a self-esteem complex.
That and a whole bunch of pnemonics.
WILLOW
I could look it up..
BUFFY
(frustrated)
No. You know what? Let's just simple
this whole thing up. Rats have
Giles. Rats want me. I go.. alone.
DAWN
Buffy. No.
BUFFY
Look, I'm the slayer. This is what I
do.
TARA
Buffy, you know that's not going to
help anyone. Do you really think
they're going to just hand Mr Giles
over if you offer yourself to them?
Buffy thinks for a beat.. then sits back down,
dejected.
TARA
We'll figure something out.. all of
us.
The group nods, seemingly growing an inch taller. We
FADE UP the television noise.
TV PRESENTER (O.S.)
And in some lighter news, it seems
that rats are dissapearing from most
major metropolitan cities around the
United States.
The group turn to watch and listen to the box.
TV PRESENTER
Yes, you heard me. Scientists have
reported a sudden, dramatic decrease
in the rat populations in many major
cities around the country. No one
really has an explanation for this
bizarre phenomenom but some
scientists have reported a mass
migration of the creatures to the
Western seaboard, possibly to the
State of California. There have even
been reports of rats migrating from
as far East as New York and
Washington.. though in the latter
case, only those of the four-legged
variety seem to be moving.
(throwing back to second
presenter)
Kent?
ANGLE : BUFFY
looking very weary.
BUFFY
I so hate that television.
INT. RAT'S LAIR/HUGO'S CHAMBER - DAY
ANGLE : FINK
FINK
But when do we get to spill the
blood of humans? Why do we have to
wait?
CLOSE ON : HUGO
as we see his head bobbing up and down ever so
slightly. There's a strange squeaking sound in the
room as he speaks.
HUGO
Patience Fink. Our time is near.
After tonight, we will have
Sunnydale. Once we have secured this
town, our many brothers and sisters
will arrive and they too will bask
in the warm glow of the power and
join in our crusade. We will become
the dominant species and finally rid
ourselves from the shackles and
vestiges of our inglorious past.
We PULL OUT to reveal Hugo walking on two legs on a
treadmill (the human kind), enjoying himself
enormously. The treadmill squeaks as Hugo walks on it.
Besides Fink, we see three other white demony rats
sitting on old and tattered couches and lounge chairs.
HUGO
Gone will be the days when we
scavenge off the scraps of humanity.
We will create a new and perfect
society, better than what the humans
could manage.
WHITE RAT#1
(nervously)
Do you mean to make us equal with
the browns?
HUGO
Integrate ourselves with the common
masses? Leave the power in their
hands? Good Heavens No. That's how
this whole Reality TV thing got
started you know.
Nods of agreement between the assembled white rats,
except for Fink who remains seated quietly in a
corner.
HUGO
Humans bred us white rats to be
smarter. Why else would they
experiment on us to discover more
about themselves?
An angry snarl from Fink in the corner.
HUGO
Sorry my dear Fink. I realise this
is a rather touchy subject for you.
Another snarl from the corner. Hugo continues.
HUGO
No, we the chosen few are meant to
be the arbiters of taste. We will
guide the masses to a proper state
of enlightenment.
RAT #2
(raising a glass)
Hear.. Hear
HUGO
We will introduce them to the arts..
literature, music, theatre..
FINK
What about the cats?
HUGO
Cats? That piece of rubbish from
that no-good, overrated charlatan?
FINK
Not the musical.
HUGO
Oh cats! You mean our fiendish
feline foes. Not to worry, we will
eradicate that particular species in
due time, as we will all our
enemies.
Hugo turns to look at something.
HUGO
No, they will fall to their knees
and none will even fathom the source
of our power.
REVERSE ANGLE:
On a table, we see a bright glowing egg-shaped orb,
placed in a receptacle with three claws reaching out.
We prelap:
WILLOW
The Orb of Takanis
INT. THE MAGIC BOX - DAY
MATCH CUT:
A drawing of an egg-shaped orb, placed in a receptacle
with three claws reaching out.
We PULL BACK from the picture to reveal Xander,
Willow, Tara and Buffy huddled around a book. Willow
is sitting in front of the book.
XANDER
The Orb of what now?
TARA
Takanis.
BUFFY
So, this is our prime suspect? What,
did you guys like pick this out from
a line-up?
(play acting; as if at a
police line-up; pointing)
'That's the evil talisman that's
been causing all the trouble!'.
WILLOW
Not quite.
TARA
We did a spell.
WILLOW
It was easy. There's a lot of
magical energy being churned out by
this baby. We just traced it and
found its signature, which led us
to..
TARA
Takanis. It's all over the town.
BUFFY
(taking a second look at
the picture)
You guys sure? Cause, from back
here, it looks kinda..
(cocking her head)
well.. harmless.
XANDER
Let's face it. It looks like
breakfast.. served in a really
creepy egg cup.
WILLOW
Oh no. It's like this really
powerful magical talisman. It
amplifies magical energies so that
someone with even the slightest bit
of magical power can turn into..
into.. Siegfried.
TARA
Or Roy.
Willow takes a lingering look at the picture,
marvelling at it.
WILLOW
There've been stories about
talismans of such power existing but
no one really knew they were true.
REVERSE ANGLE : THE PICTURE OF THE ORB
WILLOW (O.S.)
This is like the holy grail of
talismans.. the Big Mac, the grand
enchilada.
ANGLE : WILLOW
WILLOW
(quietly, almost to
herself)
Just imagine what you could do with
this.
Buffy and Tara exchange a look.
WILLOW
(catching herself, looking
back up)
I mean, it's really powerful and
rare. Whoever got his hands on this
little sucker had some connections.
TARA
(to Buffy)
It's also very dangerous. The person
would have to know what he's doing
in order to keep control of the
spell, otherwise..
Buffy nods.
BUFFY
Do we know where it is?
TARA
We traced it to the Sunnydale Dump.
BUFFY
Seems to be the happening place. How
do we end the spell?
TARA
That part's simple. You see, the Orb
of Takanis really consists of two
parts. The orb itself and the
receptacle which holds it. Once you
remove the orb from its receptacle,
the spell will end.
BUFFY
What. That's it? No jumping with the
hoops? No human sacrifices? You just
unplug it like a microwave?
TARA
That's it.
XANDER
Aren't we forgetting something? I
don't think Popeye's just gonna let
you walk in and take his spinach
away.
BUFFY
That's why we got Anya and Dawn to
Sun-Tzu our whiskered friends.
We see Anya and Dawn sitting together, going through
more books.
ANYA
I again formally renew my objections
about being placed on rat detail. No
one person should have to read this
much about rats in one afternoon.
BUFFY
Noted. Do you guys have anything?
ANYA
You mean besides a headache, a dull
pain in my back and a happy new
phobia?
BUFFY
(with a sigh)
I mean.
ANYA
Nothing useful. Just that they're
gnawy, jumpy, disease-ridden
neophobes with an undiscerning
palette.
DAWN
We'll keep looking.
Buffy turns back to Willow, Tara and Xander.
BUFFY
I can't believe my life has come to
this. I mean, how exactly did we go
from Buffy, vanquisher of Gods to
Buffy, the rat exterminator?
XANDER
Okay, so they're rats. How do we
kill them? I mean, now that stepping
on them isn't an option.
Tara grabs Amy in her cage and takes her away to the
counter, deciding that perhaps she shouldn't sit in on
this part of the conversation.
WILLOW
Well, we don't need to kill them. We
just have to reverse the spell.. get
them back to the land of Lilliput.
TARA
(returning to the table
after placing Amy on the
counter)
Yeah, we just have to find a way to
get to the orb and break the spell.
BUFFY
Good in theory, tough in practice.
If that spell is in effect all
around Sunnydale, who knows how many
giant rats there could be?
XANDER
And with the big invite to all their
cousins to come over for the jumpin'
jamboree?
BUFFY
Yeah. I mean, I'm thinking of a
number here with a whole lot of cute
baby zeroes trailing behind it. And
I'm guessing none of them are gonna
be big with the debigging. Let's
face it. That orb's gonna be watched
closer than a pimple on prom night.
DAWN
(from her book)
Oh, here's something! They're like
blind.
BUFFY
Blind? Like as in Three Blind Mice
blind?
DAWN
Almost. They rely heavily on their
other senses.. touch, smell, taste.
XANDER
Wait a minute! That's why that rat
courier didn't know who to talk to
when he mentioned the slayer. They
don't know who the slayer is! We
must all be a blur to them.
Willow takes a look over at Amy in her cage.
WILLOW
Not Amy though. I mean, she could
spot a box of yoghurt drops from
across the room, and last night, she
could totally see all the stuff we
asked her to float. I guess that's
another perk of being a half-hum..
Willow has a Eureka moment.
WILLOW
(all excited)
Oh, hey.. lightbulb!
Everyone looks at each other for a beat, then slowly
towards the light at the ceiling.
WILLOW
Not that.. the one in the little
cartoony bubble above my head! If we
could get Buffy just close enough to
see the orb.. I have a plan that
might just work.
XANDER
But how are we going to manage that?
It's not like she's got a free hall
pass to go to the bathroom. They're
never gonna let her roam around.
WILLOW
Not if Buffy isn't Buffy.
XANDER
Okay, is this one of those tree
falling in the woods deals?
BUFFY
(confused)
But.. Buffy is Buffy.. um.. isn't
she?
WILLOW
I'm not talking Nietzcshe here..
more, you know, Cyrano.
Buffy nods, getting it.
XANDER
Okay, help me out. I'm literary lost
here.
TARA
She means we need someone to stand
in for Buffy.
ANYA
Right! Tell me who's going to be
idiotic enough to do something like
that?
EXT. SUNNYDALE DUMP/JUST OUTSIDE - NIGHT
ANGLE ON : SLAYERY BOOTS
as we PAN UP to reveal slayery leather pants.
WILLOW (O.S.)
Stop fidgeting! And stop scratching
your head.
We continue to PAN UP to reveal a slayery black coat,
a red top and.. Anya in a blonde wig. Willow is trying
to adjust the wig while Xander and Tara look on.
WILLOW
(to Xander)
You think she's blonde enough?
ANYA
Any blonder and I could star in my
own shampoo commercial. Why do I get
to wear the itchy wig? Why can't you
or Tara do this?
WILLOW
Because if anything went wrong, we
need to be together to work the
magics. Besides, aren't you the one
who's always complaining about
wanting to do something else? Well,
this is something else.
ANYA
So's offering yourself as a slave to
a sex-starved Rombo demon, but you
don't see me signing myself up for
that particular treat.
Xander comes over and puts his hands on Anya's
shoulders.
XANDER
An, we need you here. You can do
this.
ANYA
(earnestly)
Really?
TARA
Totally.
Anya takes a beat to consider this as she looks at
Xander and Tara.
ANYA
Right. I can do this. I mean, it's
just acting right? I can act.
XANDER
You're Brando baby.
Buffy arrives from the dump. She is wearing very
plain, unslayery clothes.
BUFFY
Okay, Everything seems fairly clear
up there. We better get going.
Willow shows Anya to Buffy.
WILLOW
So, what d'ya think? Like looking in
a mirror right?
BUFFY
(unimpressed)
I want a new mirror.
(off Anya's look; to Anya)
No, you look fine Anya. It's time to
go. You better lead us up there.
ANYA
(nervous)
Right. Onwards and upwards.
Anya leads the group into the Sunnydale Dump, leading
the group off-camera, one by one. We are left with
Buffy and Willow at the back as they follow Anya.
BUFFY
(quietly to Willow)
Seriously, I don't look like that do
I?
Willow gives a non-commital look as they exit off-
screen.
ANGLE : ANYA, TARA, XANDER, WILLOW AND BUFFY
walking in a group, Anya leading the way. They spot
something up ahead, looking up.
XANDER
What the heck is that?
REVERSE ANGLE:
A grand building, made out of various random parts
scavenged from the dump.
XANDER
What a dump! And for once, I don't
mean that figuratively.
The group continue to walk nervously on.
BUFFY
(to Anya)
Remember, nothing big. You just
gotta buy some time for me to find
Giles and the orb.
WILLOW
Just act like Buffy and try not to
be too, you know, Anya.
ANYA
Less fun, more dull. Check.
Little roll of the eyes from Buffy.
BUFFY
And you might also wanna cut down on
the, you know, words?
The group reaches the door to the building. A nervous
beat as they stand in front of the building.
BUFFY
Okay. Showtime guys.
Buffy nods to Anya. Anya knocks on the door. The door
opens and a giant demony rat appears. It appraises a
nervous-looking Anya, then looks at the group. He
takes a step back to let them in. Anya takes a look
behind her at the group, then leads them into the
building.
BLACKOUT
END OF ACT THREE
CONTINUE TO ACT FOUR