What do you do when you find out that your child is gay, lesbian, or bisexual? This information is designed to answer some common questions you may have and address some of the emotions you may be feeling in the wake of this discovery. It will take some time to absorb and process all of this new information. Just remember that you are not alone. According to some widely accepted statistics, roughly one in four families has an immediate family member who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Remember that you love your child, and to preserve-- perhaps even strengthen-- your relationship with him or her, you must try to move towards understanding and eventually, acceptance. Note: From this point on, we will use the word "gay" to refer to gay people and bisexuals, both male and female. How can s/he be sure? Maybe s/he's just rebelling or experimenting. It is natural to think of this new information as "just a phase." However, because our culture is still predominatly anti-gay, there is little chance that someone who heterosexual would choose to live as gay. Keep in mind that you would probably never ask " Are you sure you're straight?" Some parents feel that they would be better off not knowing that they have a gay child. Please remember that someone who has "come out" to you has usually gone through a long hard process of acknowleding his/her own sexual orientation. The fact that your child told you shows his/her love for you and desire to have an honest relationship with you. It may also be a sign of a need for support.According to one study, up to 80% of gay youth report feeling severe social and emotional support. Why did my child wait so long to tell me? It can be difficult to realize that you don't know your child as well as you may have thought. It takes many gay people a long time to figure out what they're feeling. Many report growing up feeling "different," but not really understanding why. In addition, our predominant culture teaches gay people that who they are "OK," causing many to interalize self-hate and insecurity. The fact s/he told you means s/he is inviting you to share in a more open and honest relationship. Isn't being gay considered a deviant behavior? Though some socities may still consider gay people "devients," that defintion is not supported by the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, and other mental health professionals, who all agree that homosexuality is not an illness, a mental disorder, or an emotional problem. Why is my child gay? Should I take him/her to therapy? Although it is not known specifically what causes people to be gay, most scientists agree that is likely the result of a complex interaction between interaction and enviromantal and biological factors. The American Psychological Association states " Homosexuality is not an illness. It does require treatment and is not changeable." Many gay people or their family members do not seek help to work through their feelings about coming out. PFLAG sponsors several area support groups in which families help one another through what can be a difficult process. In addtion, the chapter can provide information on private therapists and counselors experienced in dealing with these issues. I have gay friends,so why am I uncomfortable now that it's my child? Homophobia is too prominant in our society to put out of our minds completely. Realize that it will take time to adjust to this new information and don't chastise yourself for not feeling the way you "should" about it. I can accept my child is gay, but why does s/he have to flaunt it? Gay people are accused of "flaunting" their homsexuality( or bisexuality) when they come out. In our world, we tend to make assumptions that everyone we see is heterosexual. For gay people, coming out is considered a positive way to challenge such assumptions and to help affirm their self-esteem. But my religion teaches that homosexuality is wrong. For many parents, this can be most difficult issue to reconcile. For others it is not an issue at all. Though some religions still condemn homosexuality, there are respected leaders within every religious group who believe it is wrong to pass judgement on any group. PFLAG can refer information specific to your own religion, including local gay-friendly congregations. PFLAG also offers two brochures-- Is Homosexuality a Sin? And Faith in Our Families. Now what? How can I support my child? The fact that you are reading this shows that you are a concerned parent willing to show some support for your child. As with many other issues you may encounter within your family, you should be willing to talk, listen, and learn together with your chilf. In some cases, it may help for you to talk about your feelings, and PFLAG is here to help you with your needs as the parent of a gay child. One way you can support your child is to educate yourself as much as possible about homosexuality and then help reduce some homophobia that exists in our society. After all, it is silence that allows prejudice and discrimination to survive. |
| QUESTIONS ANSWERED FOR PARENTS AND FRIENDS OF LESBIANS AND GAYS |