Title: 1969, A Good Year For Sarcasm
Author: Phantom Chic
Rating: PG
Category: Review, Humor
Description: A sarcastically shippy commentary on "1969"
Season: 2nd
Spoilers: um, 1969
Archive: SJA, Heliopolis, Gate Philes
Disclaimer: ShowTime . . . yadda, yadda, yadda . . . Double Secret
& Gekko . . . blah, blah, blah. Not mine.
Feedback: Ooh, please! I can not emphasize how much feedback
does not suck. Just make sure the subject line says "review feedback"
or something similar so it will make it past my mail filters.

1. "What is she doing?" The question asked by every man who
ever had to wait for a woman. Jack couldn't have sounded more
like an impatient husband if he'd tried.

2. Hammond seemed way too happy about the prospect of losing
SG-1 in the past when he was looking at Sam's hand.

3. Just how often has Jack seen the "butt-end of a Titan missile" up
close and personal if he can identify it so easily?

4. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Teal'c: I myself have no part in the history of your world.
Sam: But when they find out about the Goa'uld threat, they may
have second thoughts about opening the Stargate in the first place.
In which case, we never meet and you're back to being First Prime
of Apophis.
Jack: Yeah, and that'd suck, cause you'd never get to watch TV or
learn to play poker. Plus all the slavery and serving false gods stuff.

5. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Danny: So we don't tell them about the Goa'uld.
Sam: How do we explain the larval Goa'uld Teal'c is carrying?
Jack: Bad sushi?

6. Oh, yes, Danny. When they ask if you're a Soviet spy,
answering in Russian goes so far to help your credibility. Who does
he take lessons in security from, Ensign Chekov?

7. Speaking of which, did that scene interrogating Jack seem a little
familiar to anyone else? It's good to know Brad Wright is such a
big fan of Star Trek IV. I kept waiting for him to say "I'm from
Iowa, I only work in outer space." Plus that would've been a total
shoutout to me.

8. "Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise"? Considering
the date, shouldn't they have recognized the names James T. Kirk
and Enterprise? Sam doesn't exactly look like Spock.

9. Not to mention "Luke Skywalker?" I always thought of Jack as
more of the Han Solo type.

10. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Airman: "Shouldn't we start the search?"
Hammond: "It's SG-1, they always come back. When has our
going to search for them ever accomplished anything?"

11. "Captain, where there's a will there's an or . . . way." The
sentiment was nice, the statement just doesn't work. Good to know
he has such faith in Sam that he expects her to rewrite the laws of
physics with little effort. It may explain some of his future
behavior.

12. Isn't it interesting that it's Sam, who spends so much time talking
about preserving the integrity of the timeline, who mentions
General Hammond in front of Lieutenant Hammond? I bet half the
reason he goes along with them is that he's thinking "Yes! I'm
gonna make General!"

13. It says a lot for the informality of the SGC command structure
that Jack (who only met Hammond in COTG two years earlier)
knows where Hammond watched the moon landing.

14. Boy, does Sam get a kick out of realizing she outranks
Hammond. And you just know that Jack got a lot of pleasure out
of being able to Zat Hammond.

15. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Danny: "What's the plan?"
Jack: "Find the Stargate."
Danny: "Find the Stargate? This is the great plan you get from all
your black ops training? No wonder we get in so much trouble!"

16. "How then do we get back to the future?" Well, Teal'c, first
you go find Doc Brown and build a flux capacitor into the back of a
Delorian. Then you go to the prom . . .

17. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Danny: "At 9:15 am something is going to happen."
Sam: "And then happen again the next day at 10:03. We just have
to figure out what that something is."
Jack: "Great. So we've got a plan. Should be a piece of cake now.
See, Sam, I told you this plan stuff wasn't that hard."

18. It was nice of Jack to realize that Sam had the best chance of
getting a car to stop. Might have been more effective if he'd told
her to show a little skin. But Teal'c's way works too. Even if it
does the ruin the "It Happened One Night" homage.

19. The war with Canada? I guess Teal'c has seen the South Park
movie. All together now "Blame Canada, blame Canada . . ."

20. How is it that Jack and Sam got such great clothes and Danny
and Teal'c got stuck with that geeky ensemble and lavender silk? I
do love the 'fro, though, much better than that wig from
"Gamekeeper." And all the sunglasses are great, they should keep
those to use on missions.

21. Still, I spent half of this episode waiting for them to break out
into songs from "Hair" or maybe "Jesus Christ Superstar."

22. Jack and Sam look like such a cute, normal couple when he
brings her soup by the fire. It's almost too bad they had to go
home. After all, there aren't any regs against them yet.

23. So, SG-1 told a blond hippie guy that they were Rebels against
an alien establishment in a galaxy far, far away who were hiding out
on Earth? Any bets on whether Michael changed his name to
George Lucas or Chris Carter? I'm guessing Lucas, it would
explain the similarities b/w Jack, Sam, Danny, & Teal'c and Han,
Leia, Luke, & Chewie.

24. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Danny (German accent): "Vould you know vich armory? I must
find ze artifact before Indiana Jones so zat I can mock him with it
before putting him in an elaborate death trap involving snakes."

25. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack: "In a few seconds we'll know whether we can go back."
Teal'c: "And if we cannot, O'Neill?"
Jack: "Then we'll stay here. Sam and I can get married and have a
little house in the country and you and Danny can visit us. We'll
show you 70s television, you're gonna love Charlie's Angels."

25. So nobody in the government facility notices the brightly
colored hippie-bus stopping in front of their gates? This base must
have the same security people as that nuclear lab in New Mexico.

26. Let me see if I've got this straight: instead of spending a billion
dollars a year to power the Stargate, they could just hook up a
couple of trucks to it? So much for the need for cold fusion.

27. "It'll have to be close enough." Yeah, that only puts you 70
years in the future, that's close enough. And if timing is so
important, shouldn't Jack have ended up closer to the right time since
he entered 5 seconds later than the others?

28. Does it worry anyone else that the entire base has been
abandoned except for Cassandra? Makes me wonder if there's
anyone left living on Earth at that point.

29. Danny's gonna lose his hair? Noooo! Not Danny. Of course,
that also confirms what we already knew--that Danny's unkillable
and will live long enough to grow old and lose his hair.

30. Okay, let's look over what we now know about the future. So
at some point we get ahold of Nox technology and, for no
apparent reason, begin dressing in white gauze. Danny gets to
grow old and Sam lives at least until Cassie's old enough to
understand the dynamics of time travel. And we've completely
abandoned the SGC. Maybe everyone's gone to live with Thor.

31. "Your journey's just beginning"? That's all Cassie has to say to
them? Judging by her age and the way she greets them, they've all
gotta be dead. And that's all she wants to tell them. I think she's
taking this time line preservation stuff a little too seriously. Would
it kill her to give Jack and Sam a little push?

32. Memo to all Gateroom workers: it's no longer necessary to
sound surprised when SG-1 suddenly returns after being missing.
Just say "they're back" and see who won the pool for the time of
their miraculous return.

33. Anyone wanna bet that the first question at that long debriefing
is "Why did you have to Zat me? Why didn't you just knock me
out?"

34. $539.50? That's with 30 years of interest? Either Lt.
Hammond was pretty broke or the General's been using an
extremely low interest rate. He should've gotten at least a couple
thousand from Jack. That leather jacket alone must have cost
enough to rack up a grand in interest.