TITLE: Children Of The Gods
AUTHOR: Phantom Chic
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: Not mine.
SPOILERS: Um, Children Of The Gods.
FEEDBACK: I cannot overemphasize how much feedback does not suck. Just
make sure to put 'review feedback' or something similar in the subject line
so it will make it past my mail filters.
NOTES: Long ago in a galaxy far, far away (read: college), a theatre major
used to vent her sarcastic impulses by doing reviews of Stargate episodes.
Then life and lack of access to new episodes forced the cessation of these
activities. Now after escaping from a theatre run by Sokar's disciples, the
snark is back. Please forgive me if I'm a little rusty. Taking a cue from
Buffy, we are going back to the beginning.

*****

1. Gee, even I'd join the Air Force if I could spend all my on-duty time
playing poker. Wonder why they never show that on the recruitment commercials.

2. It was nice of the Stargate to blow away the tarp with a mysteriously
appearing wind instead of just vaporizing it. That way it can be reused the
next time they close down the gate.

3. Who would have guessed when they sent Samuels to fetch Jack what an asshole
he'd turn out to be? I almost could have liked him after that scene. You
know, if I hadn't seen all the later episodes.

4. Something tells me that Hammond is not gonna be writing that book. Not
unless he wants to join Jack in hunting down everyone who buys it off Amazon at
any rate. Though that would give him something to do during his retirement.

5. Okay, that staff weapon had a pretty obvious 'On' switch and nobody thought
to flip it before Jack got there. No wonder SG-1 is going to end up in charge
of saving the world all the time.

6. Admittedly, it's been a while since I saw the movie but I clearly remember
guys in the fun collapsible helmets shooting staff weapons. Were those not
Jaffa or is Jack just confused because he didn't see the pouches? For that
matter, isn't anyone going to look in that pouch and find the little dead snake
baby?

7. You just gotta love Hammond's passive aggressive command style. Nothing
like blackmailing someone with a nuclear bomb to get a confession.

8. Danny went through a whole box of Kleenex's that fast? He must have been
dying the last year on Abydos. Either that or Sha're made him a *lot* of
handkerchiefs.

9. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack: "Aw, come on, Samuels. Let me be the cynic around here, okay? No,
really, it's in my contract. I get first dibs on all the sarcastic and
cynical comments."
Samuels: "What does that leave me to be? Slimy and annoying?"
Jack: "Well, yeah, but you're going to have to share that with a line of
annoyingly self-righteous aliens...and Maybourne."

10. So what are they supposed to do while they wait for Daniel to reply to
Jack's tissue-mail? Break out the board games? Though this may be Jack's
last chance to win at Trivial Pursuit before Sam and Daniel start playing
with him. And no, I'm not even going to pretend I don't know what's going to
happen.

11. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Sam: "I take it you're Colonel O'Neill. Captain Samantha Carter reporting,
Sir. I'll be your second in command and love interest for the next 6 years
or more."
Jack: "A main cast love interest established in the pilot? Maybe that means
we'll actually get to have sex before the end of the show."
Sam: "You'd think so, wouldn't you?"

12. "She's smarter than you are." It's nice that we can have that little
running joke right from the start. I guess she has to rewrite the laws of
physics a few times before they make it "*way* smarter than you are".

13. I'm glad they toned down the heavily defensive feminist riffs from Sam
early on. It makes it harder to like her. But that could also be my
Slackjaw Amy issues.

14. Five bucks says Kawalsky and Ferretti were taking bets on Sam and Jack by
the time they left that first briefing.

15. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Sam: "Is that tough enough for you, or are we gonna have to arm wrestle?"
Jack: "Ooh, sounds good. But not with this audience. Raincheck?"
Kawalsky: "Get a room."
Jack: "Yeah, that was kinda my point."

16. It's interesting that Jack neglected to mention that Daniel's wife might
object to Jack bringing him back. Maybe he left that out of his second
briefing to Hammond too.

17. "I adore you already"? Talk about establishing the 'ship from the get-go.

18. Aah, poor Daniel. Jack was clearly much happier to see Skaa'ra than him.
Of course, Skaa'ra was also one of the few carry-overs from the movie so maybe
that does make him more important. It also explains why Danny finally gets
Jack's attention when Sha're shows up.

19. It's nice of Sam to get the Macgyver in-joke out of the way in her third
scene.

20. So Skaa'ra makes moonshine now? I wonder if he can market it as Jack
Daniel's or if the copyright laws would apply on Abydos.

21. Apparently Sha're felt the need to show Jack, Kawalsky, and Ferretti that
their little geek is all grown up too.

22. Poor Jack. You can just see him realizing how much technobabbling he's
going to have listen to Sam and Danny spout from now on.

23. And why exactly couldn't Sha're have stayed hidden like everyone else
instead of running from column to column and playing target. It's not like
she has a gun and is fighting like Skaa'ra. Though it would have been nice
to see her fight back.

24. So is Daniel going to have to have a calendar that keeps track of an
Abydonian year so he knows when to check in with them? Because if they have
36 hour days then it actually makes sense that it takes him about 2 seasons
to visit again.

25. So when Jack tells Hammond that one of "our kids" from the previous mission
was kidnapped, does anyone believe Hammond wasn't thinking that Jack had too
much fun with a local girl?

26. Daniel's been drinking Skaa'ra's apparently very strong moonshine for a
year and one beer goes straight to his head? Talk about a delicate system.

27. Apophis' queen was still in her Jaffa and he's already calling her "my
love"? And I thought Angel was robbing the cradle.

28. 2 or 3 destinations a month? Okay, that's enough to keep SG-1 busy for
weekly episodes but what about the other 8 teams? Do they just follow SG-1
around and apologize to everyone Jack ticked off, because that might end up
being a full time job?

29. Considering how Jack's recommendation that Kawalsky get a command turns
out it's no wonder he never tries to do the same for Sam. That and he wants
to keep her with him.

30. So why did they bother making Ferretti remember the 7th symbol when
they're just going to substitute Earth's for Abydos' anyway. Way to waste
the energy of the injured guy.

31. You could almost forget this was a Showtime program until you see all the
gratuitous nudity in the pilot.

32. And what exactly would Kawalsky's T-shirt say? "SG-1 got captured by
Apophis and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"?

33. So when did Chulak go from being a town to being Teal'c's whole home
planet? For that matter why do the priests not speak English when everyone
else does?

34. It's nice of Ammounet not to tell Apophis that Danny is her host's
husband. Probably saves him from being summarily executed.

35. Wow, if Teal'c's that impressed by a wristwatch just wait until he
discovers television and video games. That man is gonna be even more addicted
to Collapse and Diamond Mine than I am.

36. Planet Kawalsky? Way to get your ego pumped while you can. I bet in the
bizarro world there a dozen variations on the name Planet Charlie.

37. Okay, so it's kind of Danny's fault that Skaa'ra was chosen since he drew
their attention to the group. It's a good thing he's so concentrated on
Sha're or he could have ended up with annoyingly Angel-ish guilt issues.
And if Skaa'ra was chosen by those day-player Goa'ulds how does he become
Apophis' son by the end of the season? Continuity must get a headache from
this episode.

38. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Teal'c: "I have no where to go."
Jack: "For this you can stay at my place. I'll fix up the guestroom and
we'll order some pizzas. You like pepperoni, right?"
Teal'c: "I only hope your people are advanced enough to make good breadsticks."

39. And why exactly didn't Sam grab a staff weapon off one of the dead Jaffa?
You'd think she'd be the first to realize that the empowered female character
should be armed.

40. I'm guessing the direction they gave those extras for after the glider
went down was basically "remember at the end of Return Of The Jedi when all
the Ewoks jumped around and danced? Yeah, do that." They even had some of
the same vocalizations.

41. Okay, so how long did it take Danny to figure out that maybe he should
have their home address memorized? Even 3 year olds know that.

42. And on their very first mission Hammond gets to figure out that punctuality
is not SG-1's strong suit. I'm sure that will come in handy in the future.

43. All those women hugging and kissing Jack aren't really refugees. They're
undercover Macgyver fans.

44. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Hammond: "That decision may not be up to you."
Jack: "Actually, I'm an executive producer as well as the star so that
decision is up to me. And I believe that if you'll check his contract and
the opening credits you'll see that he will, in fact, be joining SG-1. Now
if you'll excuse us, sir, we need to pose for our cast picture."

45. Obviously this is before they decided to leave the weekly cliffhangers to
Alias. Not that I can blame them for sticking in that little "uh-oh" at the
end. Even Joss did it in the first season of Buffy and have we ever seen
those egg sacks in the closet again?