TITLE: Deadman's Sarcasm
AUTHOR: Phantom Chic
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: Review, Humor
DESCRIPTION: A sarcastically shippy commentary on "Deadman
Switch"
SPOILERS: um, Deadman Switch
ARCHIVE: SJA, Gate Philes
DISCLAIMER: Showtime . . . yadda, yadda, yadda . . . Double
Secret & Gekko . . . blah, blah, blah. Not mine.
FEEDBACK: Ooh, please! I can not emphasize how much feedback
does not suck. Just make sure the subject line says "review feedback"
or something similar so it will make it past my mail filters.
NOTES: This is the 15th in my Dripping Sarcasm series of
reviews.


1. They go through more of those UAVs. I hope Sam's buying
them in bulk. I wonder which causes more damage to them: being
shot down or Jack's attempts at making them do loop-de-loops.

2. Only Daniel would find a force field with his nose. I'm sure
when they get home Janet will kiss it and make it better.

3. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Aris: "Perhaps you've heard of me."
Jack: "Not I. Teal'c?"
Teal'c: "I have not."
Aris: "Well, that's it. I'm firing my PR people."

4. How can Jack be so surprised that they're famous? Haven't
they all been lurking on the lists? Maybe he just didn't know about
our intergalactic members. Of course, the Goa'uld do tend to prefer
those character death fics...

5. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Aris: "Do we really have to get so dramatic?"
Jack: "How else are we gonna get an Emmy nomination?"
Aris: "Maybe you could have someone contract cancer. It worked
for the X-Files."
Sam: "Do I look like Gillian Anderson to you?"
Danny: "Maybe with the right hair dye..."
Sam: "Forget it. Besides if Buffy can't get a nomination then we
don't have a prayer.

6. Jack should just be happy that the little Boba Fett wannabe
didn't decide to freeze him in Carbonite. Though he probably
wouldn't mind seeing Sam in that gold bikini.

7. Obviously Aris's upgrades come from someone who knows
what they're doing. Bill Gates could be the ultimate weapon if we
could just get the Goa'uld to install Windows 2000.

8. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Danny: "Even if we could find a way out of here, he said he
disabled the Stargate."
Jack: "And given how trustworthy bounty hunters are known to
be, we should naturally just take his word for it."
Danny: "I cannot believe that you, of all people, are trying to Scully
me."

9. Is that supposed to be yellow blood or has Aris just been
playing paintball?

10. So Aris has Sam treat his wound because Astrophysics is soooo
much closer to medicine than Archaeology? Danny could probably
do a better job, he spends the most time in the infirmary...for one
reason or another.

11. Danny just doesn't seem to grasp the concept that having a
high price on your head is *bad*. You'd think he'd be happy not to
be the target for once.

12. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Danny: "Good thinking."
Jack: "Happens."
Danny: "Is it a blue moon again already?"
Jack: "Carter must be rubbing off on me."
Danny: "How exactly is Sam rubbing you?"

13. Wow, apparently even the Goa'uld have countdowns on their
bombs. At least it wasn't a red digital readout.

14. Sam's thoughts while the self-destruct is counting down: "Our
lives depend on Jack and Daniel either overriding an alien bomb or
finding a single code from thousands of permutations in two
minutes. We're doomed."

15. With an explosion immanent, Jack sends Daniel to safety while
staying behind to try in vain to save a trapped Sam (and Teal'c).
Hope this isn't setting a precedent.

16. So the zats are Aris Boch's version of the magic fingers? That
was not an image I needed.

17. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Aris: "You know, I'm very disappointed. I thought we had
something good going."
Jack: "Well, it was nice while it lasted, but it just wasn't meant to
be. It's not you, it's me. We're too different. I hope we can still be
friends."
Sam: "Colonel, is there something I should know about you two?"
Jack: "We had some good times, but it's always been you, Sam."
Danny: "Aaaaaah."

18. So the whole galaxy has figured out that Jack loves Sam and
won't leave her behind. Apparently, the only ones they're still
fooling are each other.

19. Tacluchnatagamuntorons? What horribly bored Goa'uld named
these things? Like the Jaffas actually have time in a battle situation
to yell "Watch out, they have tacluchnatagamuntorons!"

20. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Aris: "I don't have to tie you to a tree or anything unpleasant like
that, do I?"
Sam: "In the absence of railroad tracks and twirling black mustaches, I
think we can skip the whole 'damsel in distress' thing. It's such a
cliche."
Aris: "And we all know how O'Neill feels about those."

21. Gee, a species of alien warriors addicted to a substance supplied
by a more powerful race that uses the dependency to keep them as
slaves. What an original concept. Why don't they just call the stuff
Ketracel White? Forgive my Scott Evil impression, but:
*cough* rip-off *cough*

22. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Aris: "Either the Goa'uld got them or they're not playing by the
rules."
Sam: "You know everything else about us, but you don't know
how Colonel O'Neill feels about rules?"
Aris: "I thought he must be good at obeying them, since they're the
only thing keeping you two apart."
Sam: "That's about the only rule he does follow. His inconsistency
is one of his charms."

23. Sam is unconscious and Jack insists that he be the one to go
check on her. What a shock.

24. At least he's gotten better at waking her up gently since the last
time he caught her sleeping. Maybe next time he'll use the Sleeping
Beauty kiss method.

25. The real reason Aris wagged his finger at Sam and Jack was to
let them know he had pictures of them to send to Hammond. Little
does he know that Hammond has had their wedding gift picked out
since shortly after they met.

26. Wasn't it nice of everyone to leave Sam and Jack alone in that
cargo bay for God knows how long? Makes you wonder what they
were doing when Sam passed out.

27. And in an amazing twist ending, Teal'c lives! I was so worried.

28. Did anyone else spend this whole episode waiting for Aris
Boch to morph into Brian Thompson? Bounty hunters are just
more fun when they can turn into the leads anytime they want.