TITLE:  All's Fair In Love And Sarcasm
AUTHOR:  Phantom Chic
RATING:  PG
CATEGORY:  Review, Humor
DESCRIPTION:  A sarcastically shippy commentary on "Fair
Game"
SPOILERS:  um, Fair Game and a bunch of other stuff
ARCHIVE:  SJA, Heliopolis, Gate Philes
DISCLAIMER: Showtime...yadda, yadda, yadda...Double Secret &
Gekko...blah, blah, blah.  Not mine.
FEEDBACK: Ooh, please! I can not emphasize how much feedback
does not suck. Just make sure the subject line says "review feedback"
or something similar so it will make it past my mail filters.
NOTES:  This is the 11th in my Dripping Sarcasm series of reviews.


1.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Simms:  "Since the reinception of this program I have eagerly
awaited every word of every mission report.  Especially SG-1's. 
You guys are better than TV.  In fact as soon as the program is
declassified I'm selling your reports to Hollywood.  We'll probably
make a movie first, then a TV show.  I'm thinking of getting that
MacGyver guy to play O'Neill in the series..."

2.  Every time I see Danny in that suit I just want to rip it off of
him.  Wait, that didn't come out right.  I mean I want to take him
shopping for something that isn't tweed.  I swear he's getting cast-
offs from Rupert Giles.

3.  "Fulfilled tasks and duties well beyond the responsibility of a
Captain."  Exactly whose responsibility does the Air Force say
repeatedly saving the world and rewriting the laws of physics is?

4.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack:  "Normally I am a man of very few words.  So let's keep it
down to nine:  Screw the regs.  Sam, I love you.  Marry me."

5.  From the look on Danny's face I'd say he's realizing he's got
some competition in the timing department.  Better watch your
back, Danny.  Looks like Thor is trying to steal your title.

6.  If Jack made it all the way to "in conclusion", does that mean he
stood on Thor's ship and gave his entire speech?  No wonder Thor
decided not to appear right away.

7.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Thor:  "Our ships have never been detected in orbit around Earth
before."
Jack:  "What about Roswell?"
Thor:  "We do not speak of that incident.  It makes us look
fallible."
Jack:  "Can't have that."

8.  Since when do the Tok'ra trust the Asgard?  I don't remember
the Tok'ra ever mentioning the Asgard (or vice versa) and
somehow I doubt that the original Hammer was designed to do a
Goa'uld/Tok'ra personality test before offing the snake.  I'm starting
to get the feeling Sam is just making this stuff up because SG-1
likes Thor, not that there's anything wrong with that.

9.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Thor:  "We have chosen you, O'Neill."
Jack:  "Now see that could be a mistake.  I don't get along too well
with snakeheads.  And frankly I have trouble getting through a
conversation with people I do like without insulting them or
offending them in some way.  Just ask Danny-boy about his rocks."
Danny:  "Artifacts, Jack."
Jack:  "See.  Now Dr. Jackson is an extremely educated and
articulate man..."
Thor:  "The Goa'uld do not like archaeologists.  I believe it stems
from an encounter with a Tok'ra archaeologist.  The Goa'uld word
for archaeologist is now synonymous with slut."

10.  "Yu is the name of the Goa'uld."  I feel a "Who's on first" joke
coming on.  Maybe Yu is batting.  Wait, I don't think that's proper
grammar.

11.  I believe that look Sam and Janet exchanged over Nirrti said
something along the lines of "Keep Cassie as far away from here as
possible."  Either that or "You hold her down and I'll kill the bitch." 
I'd say it's a toss-up.

12.  I gotta go with Teal'c on this one.  They ought to keep some
weapons around.  Maybe not anything as obvious as a staff
weapon, but a knife or small gun in an ankle holster would have
been a good idea.  It's not like the Goa'uld are known for their
honor and honesty.

13.  I suppose splatting them against the iris would probably violate
one of the conditions of the treaty, wouldn't it?  Damn.

14.  Gee, I hope Yu doesn't expect Sam to change into that blue
dress.  Nirrti probably couldn't stand the competition.

15.  Why do I get the feeling that "Onack holka shakna" is the
Goa'uld equivalent of  "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my
father.  Prepare to die"?

16.  If they wanted to put surveillance devices in their quarters
(which would probably have been a good idea) they could've
borrowed all those tiny little microphones and cameras that are
hidden all over the place on The X-Files.  As long as the Goa'ulds
didn't take apart their pens they would have been fine.

17.  Just what exactly did Sam walk in on Jack doing that he had to
button his jacket when he turned around?  I really don't think the
meeting room with a bunch of Goa'uld due any minute was the time
and place for that--at least not if he wasn't going to ask Sam to join
him.

18.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack:  "So basically you guys are bluffing the Goa'uld big time."
Thor:  "When you have this good a poker face, you can get away
with much bluffing."

19.  So Danny is good at groveling?  Well, that's something to keep
in mind.  Maybe if he did enough groveling to Janet he could get
the team out of all those shots she seems to love giving them.

20.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Yu:  "We order the immediate and unconditional forfeiture of the
Tau'ri Stargate.  Both of them."
Jack:  "That's gonna be a problem.  We kind of misplaced the beta
Gate."
Yu:  "Impossible."
Jack:  "Guess you guys don't have to deal with bureaucracy where
you come from."

21.  Gee, Jack, I'm guessing Danny didn't tell anyone about Teal'c's
vendetta with Cronos for the same reason you didn't tell anyone
about Sam's.  Or is the fact that you're in love with her a loophole
to get you out of that obligation?

22.  "There's one rule we haven't broken yet."  And we all know
how much Jack hates to do things half way.  He'd probably tell
them 'rules are made to be broken', but that would be a cliche.

23.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack:  "She's dead.  Right?  Please tell me she's dead."
Sam:  "You're the one who killed her, how should I know?"
Jack:  "Well you were there."
Sam:  "I was nearly unconscious.  What's your excuse?"
Jack:  "All I could think about was getting my arms around you."
Sam:  "Now that's a good excuse."
Danny:  "Get a room."

24.  "Lyin', schemin', good for nothin', slimy, overdressed style-
mongers..."  That's enough, Jack.  Save it for Anise and Marty.

25.  "Anyone who is caught by one of the System Lords will be
shown no mercy.  They will suffer greatly."  Doesn't this treaty stuff
just give you a warm, fuzzy feeling?