TITLE: Dive Into The Sarcasm
AUTHOR: Phantom Chic
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: Review, Humor
DESCRIPTION: A sarcastically shippy commentary on "Into The Fire"
SPOILERS: um, Into The Fire
ARCHIVE: SJA, Heliopolis, Gate Philes
DISCLAIMER: Showtime . . . yadda, yadda, yadda . . . Double Secret
& Gekko . . . blah, blah, blah. Not mine.
FEEDBACK: Ooh, please! I can not emphasize how much feedback
does not suck. Just make sure the subject line says "review feedback"
or something similar so it will make it past my mail filters.
NOTES: This is the 9th in my Dripping Sarcasm series of reviews.

1. You gotta love the seargent's tone when Makepeace comes
barreling through. It just screams "Are you on drugs?"

2. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Hammond: "Colonel, why do I get the feeling I'm looking at
blueprints of my own base."
Makepeace: "Because you are, Sir. We didn't actually have time to
get the plans for Hathor's base, so I figured we could just take these
and use them for a rough idea of their layout."

3. "Can we trust them? The Tok'ra?" Such a very good question,
Davis. Keep asking it. Over and over and over. Especially when
you meet some of their more questionable members.

4. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Hammond: "Major, you've got a lot to learn about how we do
things here. SG1 are the stars of the show, without them we're all
out on the streets. Plus they're the only ones our allies really trust
and they're the only ones who really succeed in beating the Goa'uld.
Besides, Carter's the only one who can fix the Gate and Jackson's
the only one who reads all the weird languages we keep finding.
Frankly, I'm beginning to wonder why we keep letting them off
base at all."

5. Major Davis is not going to be winning any SGC popularity
contests this time around, is he? Oh well, he'll get the hang
of it.

6. Obviously all those troops have actually watched the last 2
seasons and realize that without SG1 the Earth is doomed.

7. Isn't it interesting that Sam rushes to Jack when he's zatted
while Danny just stands there looking at Hathor? I'm sure there's
no significance to that.

8. Why is Jaffa architecture Greek? Is Teal'c supposed to be
attending a performance of Oedipus Rex? He's certainly dressed
for it

9. At least Sam has the grace to look upset by Jack's being
Goa'ulded. Danny just looks bored. Or possibly stoned.

10. One Jaffa to escort both Sam and Danny? And it takes Sam,
with her combat training, until Makepeace shows up to decide to
kick his ass? They should be escaping to grab Jack and throw him
through the gate to Thor's Hammer.

11. Even Makepeace has the sense to be upset by Jack being a host.
Yet Danny is still nonplussed. Quick, somebody check that boy's
pupils. And maybe the back of his neck while you're at it.

12. Apparently anyone Danny cares too much about (Sha're, Sam,
Jack) ends some spending at least a short time as a host. Be afraid,
Janet, be very afraid.

13. "Wait, what about Jack?" Oh, how nice of you to wake up and
join us Danny. What the hell took you so long?

14. I'm sure Teal'c is thrilled to be back on Chulak where he gets to
wear such fashionable and comfortable clothes. Why, it's been
months since he's gotten to wear a metal outfit.

15. Taking rings to the Stargate platform? That's just cheating!

16. Let me get this straight. The Goa'uld word for 'attack' is
'Ha'tak'? That's a very complicated language they've got.

17. Hammond's not really disobeying orders if they're coming from
someone lower ranked than him, is he?

18. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Danny: "I'll go with you."
Sam: "No, Daniel, you're hurt. Besides if you come along I won't
be able to have a touching reunion with Jack. You know how
uncomfortable you get with PDAs.

19. What no one in the crowd realizes is that the chic in black who
keeps insulting Teal'c is actually a very bitter ex-girlfriend.

20. Judging by Bra'tak's "Hammond of Texas" hand sign, I'd say
someone told him about 10 gallon cowboy hats.

21. I'm sure there's a perfectly logical reason why Sam and Jack
had their whole minute long conversation locked in a tight embrace,
and didn't even let go when the Tok'ra chic woke up. It couldn't
possibly be because they care about each other so much they can't
stand that they almost lost each other.

22. Doesn't Hammond look thrilled at the idea of Teal'c flying him
through a difficult maneuver in a craft that hasn't been used in 100
years? Guess he didn't realize this little expedition was an antique
hunt.

23. So the whole compound is powered by a giant water wheel?
My, what advanced technology.

24. I want to know how those Jaffa managed to sneak up on the
team. Those outfits aren't exactly designed for stealth.

25. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack: "Blow the C-4 the minute the cavalry comes through that
Gate."
Sam: "What if they don't?"
Jack: "Then in case we never meet again." *big kiss*

26. Just a thought, Jack, but yelling "Hey, guys! Makepeace, nice
rescue!" might just have blown your cover.

27. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Trofsky: "What you say is impossible. Hathor is a queen. More
than that she is a goddess."
Jack: "She is dead, deceased, not of the living. She is no more. She has ceased to be.
She has expired and gone to meet her maker. She is an ex-parrot.
I mean, ex-goddess."

28. Isn't it nice that all Jack has to do is whisper "now" from 30
yards away and Sam responds? Is she a Sentinel now?

29. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Hammond: "What exactly did he mean by 'threading the needle'."
Teal'c: "Observe."
Hammond: "Teal'c, you are never, ever getting a driver's license!"

30. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack (final shot): "Space Monkey!"