TITLE: Dripping Sarcasm In A Bottle
AUTHOR: Phantom Chic
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: Review, Humor
DESCRIPTION: A sarcastically shippy commentary on "Message In A
Bottle"
SPOILERS: um, Message In A Bottle
ARCHIVE: SJA, Heliopolis, Gate Philes
DISCLAIMER: ShowTime . . . yadda, yadda, yadda . . . Double Secret
& Gekko . . . blah, blah, blah. Not mine.
FEEDBACK: Ooh, please! I can not emphasize how much feedback
does not suck. Just make sure the subject line says "review feedback"
or something similar so it will make it past my mail filters.
NOTES: This is the 6th in my Dripping Sarcasm series of reviews.

1. Did they decide to save money using old moon-landing
footage? Oh well, at least Sam finally got to wear that space
suit she always wanted.

2. "Since Neanderthals were a dominant species on Earth." "Aah,
that takes me back." Was that supposed to be subtle in-joke
about Broca Divide, or did Jack just spend a lot of time
watching Flintstones?

3. Yes, Danny, because most time capsules have incredibly
powerful power supplies and emit radiation. Besides, that
radiation must be affecting Jack since he actually took a vote on
whether to take the sphere back.

4. "Might be a crush." Teasing your pseudo-sister about a guy is
one thing, doing it when it's being recorded on a microphone by
that guy verges on extreme.

5. So basically Danny is just pulling his theories on the artifact out
of his ass. Good to know.

6. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack: Good morning, Campers. Hope you all had a good nights
sleep. I sure did. Wonderful dreams about tank tops and bikinis.
Danny: Morning people deserve to be shot. You've been off
having a good nights sleep while I've stuck here staring at a bunch
of tiny dots while Lieutenant Puppy-dog drooled all over Sam.
And I don't care how good your dreams about Sam were, if you
start singing we're going to find out just how much I've learned
about firearms in the last two years.

7. If I didn't know better I'd say Graham created that radiation
spike just to keep Sam from leaving.

8. So obviously this episode was designed to give RDA most of
the week off. All he had to do was go through heavy makeup
and sit on a ladder for a couple of hours.

9. What is it about Jack that makes his shoulders act as magnets
for sharp pointy things?

10. "It goes right through the scapula. Colonel, why are you . . .?"
I would love to hear Janet finish that sentence. Colonel, why
are you still conscious? Why are you so upset? Why aren't you
professing undying love to Sam?

11. So Danny wears his glasses on top of his head when he's
reading AND when he's running all over base? What are those
things for? Setting him apart as 'the geek' so all the aliens can
I.D. him? A nice hair accessory?

12. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Hammond: "The N.I.D. want to see it."
Sam: "Even knowing what it's done to Colonel O'Neill?"
Danny: "Especially knowing what it's done to him. Maybourne
wants to find the people who made it and give them a medal. But
first he just wants to come here and enjoy the sight of Jack hoisted
on his own, um, never mind."

14. So Janet comes to report to Sam on Jack's condition instead of
going to the General? Gee, I didn't realize that being 2IC made
you next of kin. Wonder if Janet knows something we don't.

15. A virus that infects people and computers? I knew it was my
computer making me sick!

16. Whoa, they keep huge barrels covered in black lights around?
They must have some killer parties when Hammond's off-base.
Just turn down the lights in the Gateroom, set the 'Gate up for a
nice blue glow, turn up the black lights, crank some music
through that sound system and they've got their own disco.

17. "What did you just inject me with?" So Hammond just lets
Janet stick him with a needle without question anytime she feels
it? If he ever ticked her off he'd end up feeling like a
pincushion.

18. Graham displays a crush on Sam and he ends up looking
like death warmed over? Gee, too bad that doesn't work on the
aliens who moon over her.

19. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack: "You told a joke. It's almost worth being pinned to a wall by
a metal shaft through the shoulder and infected by yet another alien
virus to hear you tell a joke that actually makes sense in translation.
Quick call Danny and Sam! I finally won that bet that I could teach
you my sense of humor!"

20. Where is Danny getting page numbers from a series of
incredibly tiny dots on the surface of a sphere? With all the
presumptions he makes he might as well be using a Ouija board.

21. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Danny: "What we thought was gibberish on the computers was
actually just the result of installing Windows on our operating
systems! So unless the artifact is controlled by Bill Gates, it's not
the organism's fault at all!"

22. What the organism was actually trying to communicate was
actually more along these lines: "We just can't take all this
sexual tension. Please someone write some happy fanfic and
just get Sam and Jack together already. Oh, and we'd like a
pizza. Lots of meats, hold the veggies and mushrooms. And
caffeine, we really need some caffeine."

23. So the moral of the story is that if they had ignored everything
Sam recommended from the beginning there wouldn't have been
a problem?

24. That sound you hear is the collective "Aaaaah" going up from
all the S/J shippers as Jack squeezes Sam's hand to let her know
he trusts her.

25. "You awoke us." Big mistake. Who knew that the little alien
viral intelligence wasn't a morning person?