TITLE: Sarcasm Addiction
AUTHOR: Phantom Chic
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: Review, Humor
DESCRIPTION: A sarcastically shippy commentary on "Need"
SEASON: 2nd
SPOILERS: um, Need
ARCHIVE: SJA, Heliopolis, Gate Philes
DISCLAIMER: ShowTime...yadda, yadda, yadda...Double Secret &
Gekko...blah, blah, blah. Not mine.
FEEDBACK: Ooh, please! I can not emphasize how much feedback
does not suck. Just make sure the subject line says "review feedback"
or something similar so it will make it past my mail filters.

1. Do Jaffa have x-ray vision now? If Teal'c could tell there was
naquadah in a box from that far away, his eyes should be good enough
that these guys never get ambushed again.

2. Since when do they go on missions to a planet where the MALP
shows a pyramid and Jaffas? No wonder these guys get in so much
trouble. And then to follow a woman dressed as a Goa'uld to stop her
from killing herself. Not real clear on the whole 'enemy' concept are
they?

3. So decisions are now made by whoever's character building ep it is?
Nice to know Jack has such good command of his team.

4. Danny, you gotta admit, the position the guards found you in looked
pretty bad.

5. Isn't it sweet of Jack to jump in with answers when Pyrus starts
touching Sam? At least he tried to divert the old guy's attention from
his girl.

6. "When he grabbed me I just knew. I felt it." Sam, honey, what
exactly did you 'feel' when the guy was caressing your hair?

7. Yeah, Jack, talking back to the big guys with weapons when you're
chained up is very smart.

8. "Heigh-ho, heigh-ho"? So it's Sam Carter and the three not-exactly-
dwarves now?

9. And Danny dies yet again. Is anyone keeping track of these yet?

10. Danny's glasses must be made of the iris material cause those little
wire frames sure take a lot punishment. My brother's don't even stand
up to touch-football.

11. Does Shyla get fashion advice from Hathor? And while I'm on the
subject, Shy-la? That's gotta be the least appropriate name possible for
this chic.

12. Jack's getting hot and sweaty in the mines and still he leaves his
long-sleeved sweater on? Come on, throw us a bone here!

13. REJECTED DIALOGUE
Shyla: "We call them trees."
Danny: "Jack's term is a little more colorful."

14. Trees on other worlds? Nooooo, never!

15. REJECTED DIALOGUE
Shyla: "You cannot deny that it is fate."
Danny: "I can deny quite a bit."

16. REJECTED DIALOGUE
Jack: "Surprisingly difficult to kill you, isn't it? Not that I haven't tried.
For crying out loud, you're the Harry Kim of Stargate!"

17. So this dinner with Pyrus is Danny's way of showing what a good
diplomat he is? From now on Jack can handle the negotiations.

18. Why is Shyla wearing her crown sideways? Can you say stuck in
the 80s? Someone needs to tell her that wearing caps sideways went
out of style a long time ago.

19. REJECTED DIALOGUE
Jack: "You do know we're dying down here?"
Danny: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. What's important is that I got
contacts, a new hair-do, and I told Hammond we're all fine. I'm going
back to my cushy palace to marry the beautiful princess now. Have
fun."

20. Danny's not big on long engagements is he? First Sha're, now
Shyla. Is he going for a new record? A wife on every planet? At least
Sha're wasn't a drug dealer.

21. General Hammond does a nice impression of fish doesn't he?

22. Danny: "You've never really known what love is, have you?" Now
we know something's wrong, because the Danny we know is a shipper.
Plus that was just harsh.

23. So Janet just stands around in the infirmary watching Danny in
bondage? Uh-huh. Not like she'd have other work to do or something.

24. So rather than ask to study an incredible piece of medical
technology, Danny's solution is to destroy it completely. They're gonna
regret that the next time someone dies of healable injuries on base.