EPISODE:  Proving Ground
AUTHOR: Phantom Chic
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER:  Not mine.
SPOILERS:  Through Season 5, what little I've seen of it.
NOTES:  This is the 19th review in the DS series.

*****

1. Why doesn't Jack just tell the kid that all that
talking while they're trying to sneak up on someone
doesn't do much but warn the Goa'uld that they're coming?
He might as well be carrying a bag of potato chips.

2. It's a good thing there's no Thor in this episode
or I'd be forced to make ET jokes about Reese's Pieces
and El-li-ot.  Oh, too late.

3. Great, the long awaited return of Little Miss
Mary Sue.  What a shock that she ended up training for
the SGC.

4. Wow, it's not often that Daniel gets to shoot
everybody.  Even if it is part of a sim.  Go Danny!

5. I wonder what the sim's script said to do if
Grogan hadn't shot Carter.  Would she have gotten to
zat Daniel?

6. Those look like the same intar training weapons
from "Rules of Engagement".  Double points for
continuity and recycling.

7. Was Jack madder that they so spectacularly failed
that particular test or that someone chose to shoot
Sam?

8. Those voice distorters should be standard issue
for missions.  Captured by Jaffa?  Pretend to be a
Goa'uld.  Then  say Kree until they get confused
enough for you to make a run for it.  Just don't tell
them your name is Oz, they're still gunning for that
guy.

9. Aah, Sadderfield is a Danielite.  Maybe if
someone had told her that Danny looks cuter when he's
sleeping she would've been able to shoot him.  And is
it just me or is Sam a little upset that the fangirl's
"personal feelings for the hosts" were that she like
Danny better than Sam.

10. REJECTED DIALOGUE
Haley: "Shoot 'em both.  If you don't know who's
Goa'uld and who's Tok'ra, disable them by whatever
means necessary and sort it out later."
Jack: "Yes!  Good girl!  You're now ready to join the
Tok'tok'ra."
Sam: "Um, sir, we're supposed to be training them for
the SGC."
Jack: "I can't do both?"

11. When you fail a test, you blame the test not your
own performance?  Obviously Elliot is a product of the
U.S. public school system.

12. REJECTED DIALOGUE
Jack: "These and other cliches will be available to
you all for one more day of training with me.  After
the trial period you need only send 4 monthly
installments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling and
your very own collection of O'Neill's Training Cliches
will arrive on your doorstep in 4 to 6 weeks."

12. So Jack, like me, prefers people with attitude to
those who suck-up.  Or people like Elliot who just,
you know, suck.

13. "I feel like I've trained for this program my
whole life?"  Ugh, speaking of cliches.  I'm sure
Jack's never heard that one before.

14. REJECTED DIALOGUE
Grogan:  "I don't think he likes anybody."
Haley: "You're wrong about that.  He'd do anything for
his team.  Especially Major Carter, he's crazy for
her.  I bet if she could get him to face the Goa'uld
in a tutu if she tried."

15. Somehow I think Carter playing devil's advocate
on the trainees is just an excuse to get in some
flirting over Jello.

16. Haley's only a "4 foot nine fighting machine"? 
She really is mini-Carter.

17. REJECTED DIALOGUE
Sam: "Think back to when you were their age."
Jack: "I was never their age.  I just miraculously
sprung forth from Hammond's head as the fine specimen
of a man I am now."
Sam: "Then I guess you're too young for me."
Jack: "Okay, fine, maybe I was their age once."
Sam: "And out of curiosity, just how long ago was
that?"
Jack: "Um, that's classified."

18. This 2nd scenario is really accurate.  Especially
the car parts they so often find scattered around
alien worlds.

19. Jack's right about one thing.  With Grogan's
tendency for getting shot, he'd never survive his
first mission.  Especially without a mystical contract
of immortality like Danny's.

20. The rest of this test is pretty much moot from
the moment Elliot tells Grogan to get himself out. 
Everyone knows that leaving a teammate behind is the
number one No-No in Jack's book.

21. When they first opened that dome thing I thought
it was full of blue Jello.  That would've been a lot
funnier than the wires.  Especially if it exploded. 
Blue Jello everywhere!

22. I've got to agree with Jack.  Ninety seconds to
disarm that bomb?  Carter could do that with one hand
and still have time left to program it to play Pong. 
And you know if Carter can, then Little Miss Mary Sue
Haley can.

23. The other side of that cell phone call from
Carter really went like this: "So a grasshopper walks
into a bar and the bartender says 'we have a drink
named after you.'  The grasshopper says 'you have a
drink named Phil?' Now hurry home, honey, and bring
the kiddies.  The pizza should be here soon and then
we're going to get the general trashed."  Now aren't
you impressed Jack didn't start laughing and blow the
whole thing.

24. Anyone think finding Sam wouldn't have been one
of Jack's top priorities even if she wasn't the one
who called him?

25. I love that the SGC has code locks on their
sewers.  That never seems to happen on Alias.  Or
Buffy, for that matter.

26. Isn't Teal'c a little big to be playing exposition
fairy?  I guess they had to give him something to do in
this episode besides just getting shot and playing dead.

27. Okay, I'm going to be honest.  I didn't figure
out that it was all a big 3rd sim until Jack told them
not to take the SF's weapons.

28. REJECTED DIALOGUE
Sadderfield: "Okay, so he's just possessed by
something."
Jack: "You don't think it's a hyena spirit, do you? 
Cause hyena possession is just unpleasant."

29. It's too bad Jack couldn't use the rapid-aging
induced senility as an excuse for why he slept with
that cake-peddling skank.

30. I wonder if Jack was playing computer solitaire
or something during all that time he spent sitting
alone in Carter's lab.  Or maybe he just looked for
her diary.

31. Elliot got way too much enjoyment out of shooting
Jack.  It's a good thing Haley was covering for Sam or
they could have really messed up the script.

32. Jack put everyone the trainees have shot in this
sim through the maximum level stun blast just so
Daniel would have to get hit by it?  Maybe Danny
shouldn't have told Jack he was being too hard on
them.  Oh, and Jack?  Getting shot by the intar on max
power: that would be karma.

33. The access shaft on SL-27?  Isn't that where
Jared got all his major info in and out of the Centre? 
Okay, that should take care of my gratuitous Pretender
references for awhile.

34. So Jack gets to play stage manager and give
everyone their places calls.  I think I'll consider
that a shout-out.  Especially since I don't think he
could've looked or sounded any more evil telling Danny
to have fun.

35. Is it bad that seeing Haley get shocked made me
almost as happy as seeing Dawn get duct tape over her
mouth?

36. Raise your hand if you were actually fooled by
sim 3.5.  Yeah, me neither.

37. At this point, I'm just happy we didn't have to
see what they put Haley through.  And does this mean
she gets a team right away if she was in on the whole
thing?  Maybe it'll be a team we never see.

38. Everyone's worst nightmare: "This is the test
that never ends..."

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