TITLE:  A Step Too Far
AUTHOR:  Phantom Chic
RATING:  PG
SPOILERS:  Through "Listening To Fear" and "The Trial"
ARCHIVE:  SFA, Buffy Beta, anywhere else just ask
FEEDBACK: Ooh, please! I can not emphasize how much feedback
does not suck. Just make sure the subject line says "fic feedback"
or something similar so it will make it past my mail filters.
DISCLAIMER:  All belong to the Great and Powerful Joss.  I only
seek to glorify the gifts he's given us.  The song is from "Aida".
SUMMARY:  The three men who love Buffy.
COUPLES:  Deals w/ B/R & B/S, but mostly B/A
AUTHOR'S NOTES:  I wouldn't have chosen the current course of
events this season, but thankfully Joss is far wiser than me.  So
when I was listening to "Aida" I couldn't help but think of the
current situation.  Special thanks to Nynaeve for the great beta job.

*****
It's so strange she doesn't show me
More affection than she needs.
Always formal, too respectful,
Never takes romantic leads.
There are times when I imagine
I'm not always on her mind.
She's not thinking what I'm thinking,
Always half a step behind.

RILEY:

The worse things get, the further apart we grow.  I've always
known I'd never be Buffy's "one and only," but I thought I had her
for  now.  I fell in love and I couldn't help but give her everything I
had.  All I hoped was that one day she'd love me with at least some
of the intensity that I feel for her.  That one day I'd see directed at
me that look she gets in her eyes when she's thinking of Angel. 
That she'd give me some small piece of her heart.  I should've
known better.  I can touch her body, but he still has her soul.  For
awhile last year I thought we were getting to that point.  And then
she saw him again.  I've never found out exactly what happened
when she went to L.A. after Faith, but I know she came back
broken in a way I've never seen.  And he came after her.  When I
saw them together, I wanted him dead.  Oh, she stayed with me. 
But not until after she had walked away from me to talk to him, to
laugh with him.  She changed after we killed Adam, but I thought
we were starting to get somewhere this summer.  And then she met
Dracula.  Another vampire.  One she let feed on her, and get close
to her.  Like Angel.  And now I can feel her slipping away from me. 
I'm not in her league anymore.  I know I was never her equal, but
for a while I was close.  Now, I'm a liability.  She doesn't want me
with her on patrol, she doesn't want me slowing her down.  She has
a secret, one she won't tell me.  Because I'm not strong enough for
her anymore.  All of her attention right now is on her family.  She's
falling apart, but she won't let me help hold her together.  I want to
help, but she won't let me in.  She won't let me comfort her.  I
know I should be happy that I had her as long as I did.  But once
you've touched heaven, how do you go back?  I've never been able
to touch her the way Angel did, even Dawn told me that.  Buffy
even talks to Spike more than me, and she hates him.  Because I'm
not dark enough.  Not like Spike.  Or Dracula.  Or Angel.  But I
could be.

*****
I'm in every kind of trouble.
Can't you tell?  Just look at me.
Half ecstatic, half dejected,
All alone I'm all at sea.
Easy terms I thought I wanted,
Fill me now with chilling dread.
You can never know the chaos
Of a life turned on its head.

SPIKE:

I hate her and I love her.  She ripped me apart in a way I haven't
been since that bitch Cecily, back when I was human.  And I can't
even kill her.  I never could.  But at least before I could try.  I tried
to kill the Slayer for years.  Came damn close, too.  'Til I got this
bloody chip in my brain.  See her everywhere I turn, all that
frustration building.  But it's not even the chip.  When Angelus was
a hair away from killing Buffy, I was able to walk away with barely
a thought.  Now I see a demon after her and I end up defending her
like I was some knight in bleedin' armor.  God, I'm a mess.  She's
got me sneaking around her house, like some pathetic human
stalker.  I can't get her out of my head.  Dru was right, I'm covered
in her.  I went to kill her and I ended up comforting her.  I held her
in my arms as she cried.  Let her pour her heart out to me.  Least I
know she never did that with Captain Farmboy.  Like the Boy could
ever give Buffy what she needs.  He's weak.  He could never
understand her.  Not like I can.  We're two of a kind.  It's all about
the hunt, the kill, the love.  She needs that darkness.  Every Slayer's
in love with death.  But with Buffy the dance is different.  She's felt
the darkness, she wants it.  She wants me.  She just doesn't know it
yet.  That darkness drew her to Angel, but the ponce couldn't
handle her.  I can.  I'm the only one who can.  She's tasted the
darkness, its in her blood.  And I'll taste her blood one day.

*****
I am certain that I love her,
But a love can be misplaced.
Have I compromised my people
In my passion and my haste?
I could be her life's companion
Anywhere, but where we are.
Am I leader?  Am I traitor?
Did I take a step too far?

ANGEL:

I have loved Buffy from the moment I laid eyes on her and I will
love her until the moment I turn to dust.  I know she still loves me,
but for now we have to be apart.  For now.  I love those words, and
I hate them.  I haven't told her about the prophesy.  That one day I
could be human, and we could be together.  I haven't told her for
the same reason I haven't told her about our day that never happened. 
Because in our work there are no guarantees that the prophesy will
ever have a chance to come true.  I gave back our perfect day for
the chance that by fighting as a Warrior of the Light I could get us
both through the End of Days alive.  We can't be together now, no
matter how much I may want it.  The memory of our day is what
gets me through, but I had to give up that day so that we can
survive.  Because this world has a better chance with us both in it,
fighting.  I walked away from Buffy eighteen months ago for that
same reason.  Because I knew we both had to keep fighting the
good fight.  And when I'm with her, I don't want to.  I want to take
her in my arms and forget about our responsibilities as Warriors.  I
want to be with her, consequences and the world be damned.  But
there are too many people who depend on us both.  Too much evil
we still need to fight, too many people we still need to save.  Not a
day goes by that I don't want to turn my back on Wolfram & Hart's
machinations and drive to Sunnydale and into her arms.  And now
Darla and Drusilla are here, reminders of every horror I committed
and I want to bury myself in Buffy and forget they ever existed.  I
know she has her normal life, and I want her to be happy...even if
it's not with me.  But I saw her with Riley and I know he can't make
her happy.  It's just a matter of time.  She'll have other lovers to
help her get through, to be with her because I can't.  But she can't
love them, just as I can't love anyone else.  Because no matter how
hard it is, how much we struggle against it, in the end it will always
be us.  I love her.