Title:  Chariots of Sarcasm
Author:  Phantom Chic
Rating:  PG
Category:  Review, Humor
Description:  A sarcastically shippy commentary on "Thor's
Chariot"
Spoilers:  um, Thor's Chariot
Archive:  SJA, Heliopolis, Gate Philes
Disclaimer: ShowTime . . . yadda, yadda, yadda . . . Double Secret
& Gekko . . . blah, blah, blah.  Not mine.
Feedback:  Ooh, please!  I can not emphasize how much feedback
does not suck. Just make sure the subject line says "review feedback"
or something similar so it will make it past my mail filters.
Notes:  This is the 7th in a series of reviews inspired by the Slightly
Mundane X-Files Reviews.

1.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Sam:  "So the theory is that even with the technology we now
possess..." (Gate activates)
Hammond:  "Thank God.  I mean, we should go see who that is.  It
could be important."

2.  Mr. Positive?  Oh, yeah, that's how I'd describe Jack.  Cause
God knows he always thinks the best of people and situations.  Just
look at how he hit it off with Martouf. Of course, I can't really
blame him for that one.

3.  Sam really needs to start disobeying more orders if the best
argument she can come up with for her involvement is "I was
there."  Just admit that whatever one member of SG-1 does is the
fault of the rest of team too, cause they wouldn't get in nearly as
much trouble by themselves.  Except maybe Daniel.

4.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Hammond:  "All right.  But keep your heads up on this one."
Jack:  "But, Sir, you know I like to keep my head down so I can
look down Sam's shirt.  Not to mention keep from getting shot."

5.  Just what size Pyramid ship does qualify as a weekend hunting
lodge?  And is it any different from a weekend fishing lodge?

6.  I can just hear the conversations in the Stargate writers
meetings:  "We need a loophole to get them out the corner we
wrote ourselves into."  "I know!  Jolinar!"  "Right, that explains
everything."

7.  Between being the foremost expert on the Stargate and all the
bonus knowledge/powers she gets from Jolinar, I'm surprised they
still let Sam off-planet.

8.  Gee, I wonder why Heru'ur doesn't like Jack?  It couldn't have
anything to do with the fact that Jack killed his father and tried to
off his mother, could it?

9.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack:  "Friend of yours?"
Danny:  "Oh yeah, we were tight.  I was almost his stepfather.  But
then Hathor and I had that bad break-up and I sort of lost touch
with Heru-ur."

10.  Now, Danny, you can't be making cultural judgements like
expecting a hall in the "Hall of Thor's Might."  You should know
better than that.  *tsk-tsk*

11.  Telling Danny it's forbidden to touch something is like sending
him an engraved invitation to put his hands all over it.

12.  Ooh, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade homage!  "Thor
demands a leap from the lion's head.  A leap of faith!"

13.  Wasn't it nice of that Horus guard to just stand there behind
Jack and Teal'c without firing while the ax came flying at his head?

14.  So by Asgard standards, you're not advanced unless you can
read the oldest form of  writing in your culture's history?  Damn!  I
knew I should've taken some ancient languages instead of five years
of Spanish.

15.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Sam:  "He looks just like the depictions of the Roswell Grays back
home."
Danny:  "So there is some truth to those stories.  Great, maybe he
can explain the X-Files mythology!  Unless he's still upset about
those alien autopsies in 'Jose Chung's'.  Hey, I wonder if he knows
where Samantha is."
Sam: "Um, I'm right here."

16.  It's amazing that the Asgard haven't noticed all the Goa'ulds
who seem to still be running around Earth on their more recent visits
to Roswell.

17.  Sam and Danny might want to check their watches for missing
time after getting out of the Hall.  Say, about 9 minutes.

18.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Sam:  "Well, we did meet the real Thor."
Jack:  "Did ya now?  Nice fella?"
Sam:  "He was really cute.  Now don't get jealous, but there's just
something so huggable about those adorable little grays."

19.  Right, surrender to the Goa'uld.  Because we all know how
good they are about keeping their word.

20.  If the Asgard can clear a planet of Goa'uld influence in less
than 10 seconds, why are there still Goa'ulds?  Oh yeah, cause
otherwise we wouldn't have a show.

21.  Wasn't that nice of Thor?  I just love a good Deux Se Machina. 
And for once it's literally a god in a machine.

22.  I think Gairwyn had better check for implants if she's been
hanging out on a ship with little gray aliens.  I hope she wasn't there
long enough for the anal probe.

23.  Is it some requirement that a species identify its technological
superiority by telling SG1 they are "too young?"  When does SG1
get to tell somebody else that they're too young?

24.  So that new Hammer should solve everything right?  They just
put Cimeria on their speed-dial and start shipping every Goa'uld
they find there.  Skaa'ra, Sha're, never have to worry about any
SGC personnel being taken over again.  Too bad they seem to
forget about the Hammer as soon as this episode ends.