TITLE:  A Sarcastic Upgrade
AUTHOR:  Phantom Chic
RATING:  PG
CATEGORY:  Review, Humor
DESCRIPTION:  A sarcastically shippy commentary on "Upgrades"
SPOILERS:  um, Upgrades
ARCHIVE:  SJA, Heliopolis, Gate Philes
DISCLAIMER: ShowTime . . . yadda, yadda, yadda . . . Double Secret
& Gekko . . . blah, blah, blah.  Not mine.
FEEDBACK: Ooh, please! I can not emphasize how much feedback
does not suck. Just make sure the subject line says "review feedback"
or something similar so it will make it past my mail filters.
NOTES:  This is the 4th in my Dripping Sarcasm series of reviews.  I
attempted to keep my Tok'tok'ra sentiments to a minimum--but they
come so naturally that some may have slipped through.  And I freely
admit to large amounts of Anise-bashing.  She's just such an easy target. 

1.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack:  "See that's just rude.  They don't call, they don't write, they
just show up out of the blue when they need help like the in-laws
from Hell.  In fact, the Tok'ra are starting to annoy me in general. 
With their condescending attitudes and split personalities and their
oh-so-flexible morals.  They never just come out and tell us
anything.  Not to mention that whole 'don't call us, we'll call you'
thing.  What are we, a bad date?  And then there's their horrible
fashion sense..."

2.  "Love him like a brother," Jack?  We were kind of hoping you'd
love him like a father, or at least like a father-in-law.

3.  So we're expecting Marty and we get Anise.  I can't decide
whether I'm happy not to have to deal with Marty hitting on Sam,
or upset that we got Seven of Nine's long lost sister instead.

4.  "That looks like trouble to me."  Danny-boy, I couldn't agree
with you more.  Funny, I don't recall Marty ever feeling the need to
explain what his name means.

5.  I think they purposely messed up Sam's hair in this first scene to
make Anise's flat, dull, lackluster haircut look better.

6.  Any bets on whether that hideously gaudy necklace is really
there to hide the scar on the back of her neck where Anise entered
in Goa'uld rather than Tok'ra fashion?  And since when did mini-
skirts come into fashion among the Tok'ra?  Maybe Anise has been
working undercover for Hathor.  Either that or she's been watching
way too much Xena.

7.  Think there's any chance Anise informed Jacob that she was
going to use his daughter and close friends as guinea pigs to test a
device of unknown abilities from a race that died out of a
mysterious cause?  She probably just overlooked that little fact. 
She'd never do anything to endanger their valued allies, right?

8.  Hmm, I wonder what was running through Jack's mind when he
and Sam immediately looked at each other after Anise told them the
armbands would "greatly increase all of your natural abilities."

9.  "Human subjects"?  Anise, your Goa'uld superiority complex is
showing.  She's obviously a big Machiavelli fan.

10.  Jack didn't exactly look thrilled about Anise sticking her hand
down his shirt.  Kudos to him for looking beyond her skimpy
clothing and realizing this chic sees him as a means to an end.

11.  Anise sounds like a flight attendant "please feel free to move
around".  Maybe she had that job on a Goa'uld ship at some point. 
I can just see her pushing a little cart saying, "Can I get you some
coffee, Lord Apophis?  Fluff your pillow?"

12.  My bet's on Janet in a cat fight.  Thank god someone wasn't
blinded by that bitch.  I'm having flashbacks to "Hathor", only this
time Sam is too intoxicated by the armbands to lead the revolt with
Janet.

13.  That boxing match looks familiar.  Apparently these armbands
turn you into Neo from The Matrix.

14.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack:  "Teal'c, I'm really sorry."
Teal'c:  "You are not."
Jack:  "Yeah, you're right.  I've been wanting to do that for years. 
In fact, as long as I have this super strength, I think I'm going to go
find Maybourne and see what kind of internal damage I can do to
him with a few punches."

15.  Isn't it sweet of Daniel to lift up his shirt to give Janet a view of
his whole chest while she puts on the biosensor?  She sure takes a
lot longer than Anise in adjusting it, too.

16.  And Jack was sitting next to Sam on the bed while she got hers on. 
I wonder if he got to put the biosensor on her.

17.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Sam:  "So you don't trust her."
Janet:  "No, don't be silly.  Of course I trust the woman who
prances around dressed like a slut, convinces my closest friends to
be test subjects for an unknown piece of alien biomedical
technology, pays no attention to the symptoms you're displaying as
a result, withholds vital information, and refuses to allow me to
properly monitor the data which affects the health of my patients."

18.  I bet Anise would really love to get her hands on Dean Cain. 
Then again, who wouldn't.

19.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Anise:  "My biodata indicates the armbands released a virus into
their systems."
Hammond:  "Doesn't that concern you?"
Anise:  "Why would it?  The tests are going well.  I am getting
incredible amounts of data.  There is, as yet, no appreciable damage
to the subjects.  Everything is proceeding precisely according to my
plan.  Besides, they are only humans."

20.  So the armbands release a virus, huh?  Well, I always did think
"We were under the influence of an alien virus" made for a fun
excuse.

21.  Sam wrote a thousand page book on wormhole physics in
under two hours.  That's great.  Just two questions:  Who's going to
want to read a thousand page book on wormhole physics?  And
considering where her data is coming from, who's going to have the
security clearance to be able to?

22.  Yeah, Jack, causing damage to the General's office is really
going to make him amenable to your request.  The only way he's
going to let you off-world when you're acting like that is to send
you to a world full of Bob Ross's happy trees as punishment.

23.  "You're the boss.  Whatever you say goes."  Right.  That
sentiment didn't last very long, did it?

24.  Poor Siler.  The word 'oops' doesn't even begin to cover it. 
Although he came through pretty well for falling 10 feet and
landing on a staircase, maybe Danny's rubbing off on him.  And
Jack isn't even terribly upset about it after the initial shock--maybe
Siler had been hitting on Sam.

25.  I know SG-1 has never been overly obedient, but to break out
of house arrest to go for steaks?  Must be some damn good meat. 
It is good to know they keep such nice clothes on base.  And those
matching black leather jackets of Jack and Sam's are sweet.  With
the way she was dressed combined with the 'we can do anything'
high from the armbands, it's a wonder Jack let Danny go with them.

26.  I love the looks Sam got when she ordered a diet soda with her
four steaks and french fries.  Cause God knows the extra hundred
calories were gonna kill her at that point.  At least she didn't say "I
have to watch my figure."

27.  Their waitress was about ready to die when she looked at these
three well dressed, very trim people ordering enough food to feed a
football team.  Plus their bill had to be nearly $300.  But then they
didn't exactly stick around to pay it.

28.  "Earth, steaks, there's a difference?"  It's good to see Jack has
his priorities in line.

29.  I'm sorry, but did Danny look like a geek to anyone when that
guy insulted him?  Maybe in years past, but he was looking buff,
fashionable, and very yummy that night.  He wasn't even wearing
glasses.  Maybe the moron was insulting his taste in accessories.

30.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Jack:  "Well, this is a cliche.  And God knows this show never
resorts to those.  You guys have just been hustled by a woman and
are now about to be beaten up by our formerly meek archaeologist,
so we would never want you to resort to cliches."

31.  O'Malley's looked like a really nice place.  It's too bad Jack and
Sam will never be able to go back there on their dates.  I wonder if
the owners accept the "we were high on alien technology" excuse
for starting a brawl.

32.  The increase in various hormone levels?  Hmm, now that has
definite potential.  Just which hormones are being increased?  Janet
is practically laying out a defense to excuse whatever non-
regulation behavior or actions Sam and Jack might engage in.

33.  "Carter wanted a steak."  "Actually, Sir, it was your idea." 
Apparently the armbands have turned the team into squabbling five-
year-olds.

34.  Thank God General Hammond finally woke up and smelled the
manipulation.  I was wondering how long Anise's devious
connivances and Freya's insipid platitudes were going to go on
before someone became wise to the fact that Janet's instincts were
dead on. I realize Anise has a low opinion of the Tau'ri, but how
dumb does she think we are?

35.  "I don't believe the Tok'ra have my people's best interests in
mind."  Ya think?  Of course, the Tok'ra always worry so much
about the well being of the Tau'ri over their own goals.

36.  "We'll need snacks."  It's nice that Jack can contribute so much
to this planning session.

38.  I love the looks on Jack and Sam's faces on either side of that
force field.  Like Mulder and Scully in the X-Files movie, about five
seconds before that damn bee.

39.  Can anyone explain to me why Jack, Sam, and Danny feel the
need to hide on the other end of the field while Teal'c dials instead
of going with him so they can get through the Gate sooner?

40.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Hammond:  "You were all under the influence of an alien
technology.  That's a pretty solid defense."
Jack:  "Really?  That's good, cause Carter and I have been breaking
fraternization regulations right and left for the last two days.  How
much longer do you think the residual influence of that alien
technology can last?  About 30 years?"

41.  REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Teal'c:  "I have no need to apologize."
Hammond:  "Teal'c was actually following orders."
Jack:  "Of course he was.  You always have to be the General's pet,
don't ya?  Kissing up and making the rest of us look bad."

42.  Anise's inner monologue as she's looking around the Gateroom
went something like this: "This dull metal and olive drab motif has
got to go.  A little crystal, some leather couches, a couple of throw
pillows.  Oh, I can spruce this place right up.  Of course I'll have to
get rid of these pesky humans women.  Keep the better looking
men, institute a new all-leather dress code, and I'll be right at
home."