TITLE:  Mary Sue In The SGC
AUTHOR:  Phantom Chic
RATING:  PG
CATEGORY:  Humor/Parody, S/J
DESCRIPTION:  Mary Sue comes to the SGC (duh!)
SEASON:  1st part early 4th season, 2nd part post-D&C, 3rd part
post-WoO
SPOILERS:  100 Days, any Tok'ra episode, Divide & Conquer
ARCHIVE:  SJA, Heliopolis, Gate Philes, anyone else just ask
DISCLAIMER: Stargate and its characters belong to MGM,
Double Secret Productions  and Gekko Film Corp. 
This Mary Sue is technically mine.  Please don't sue me, you
won't get anything.  The Gershwin songs used are from
"Crazy For You" and belong to the composers' estate
FEEDBACK: Ooh, please! I can not emphasize how much feedback
does not suck. Just make sure the subject line says "fic feedback"
or something similar so it will make it past my mail filters.
NOTES:  This story was inspired by the discussions of Mary Sues on
the SamandJack list.  I hope you will all be amused.  Thanks
to my betas Okapi, Ape, and especially the ever-
encouraging Ann.

*****

"Aah, Colonel O'Neill, come in and meet the newest member of the
SGC," General Hammond waved his 2IC into his office.  When
Jack O'Neill had entered and stood in front of his desk, Hammond
proceed with the introductions.  "Lieutenant this is Colonel Jack
O'Neill, my second in command and commanding officer of SG1. 
Colonel, this is Lieutenant Mary Sue Raven, she has doctorates in
Astrophysics, Archaeology, and Linguistics."

Jack stifled a slight groan and then said, only half-jokingly, "Not
another scientist.  She's like Carter and Daniel combined."

"You'll like me once you get to know me, Colonel," Mary Sue chirped
impishly.  It was then that Jack truly looked at her for the first time. 
She appeared to be in her late 20s and had long reddish-blond hair carefully
arranged in braids wrapped around her head.  She was very
beautiful, but what drew Jack's attention was her amazing
resemblance to his 2IC, Major Samantha Carter.  With the
exception of her eyes, which were of an unusual violet shade, she
could have been a younger version of Sam.

"Wow, deja vu."  Jack said, as General Hammond stifled a laugh.

"I'd like her to go on a few missions with SG1 to get the feel of
things before I assign her to a permanent field team, Colonel.  So
why don't you take her around and introduce her to the rest of your
team.  That will give her a chance to see the labs where she'll be
working as well.  Dismissed."  General Hammond's statement was
met with a nod from Jack and a crisp salute from Mary Sue before
she turned sharply on her heel and walked out followed by Jack.

Once in the hallway with the office door closed behind them, Mary
Sue's posture relaxed and she turned to Jack. "Lay on, MacDuff,"
she said with a smile and he led the way towards Daniel Jackson's
office.

*****

"Well, since Danny wasn't in his office or the infirmary, odds are
he's in here working with Carter," Jack said, as he paused to knock
at the partially open door to Sam Carter's lab.  The door opened the
rest of the way as he knocked and he saw Sam and Daniel bent over
one of the doohickeys on the work bench.  Pausing for only a
second to enjoy watching Carter work, he gained their attention. 
"Hello, campers!  We've got a new arrival."  Danny stood up first
and smiled at Mary Sue, then Sam turned and caught sight of her.

"Mary Sue!" "Sam!"  They exclaimed at the same time, as they
quickly bridged the distance between them and hugged.

"Why didn't you tell me you were transferring here?" Sam asked, as
they broke apart.

"I didn't realize this is where you were stationed, Sam." Mary Sue
replied.  They both turned as Jack cleared his throat.

"I hate to break up this touching reunion, but how do you two
know each other?" Jack asked.

"Mary Sue, is my cousin, Sir." Sam explained, then she turned back
to Mary Sue.  "Last I heard you were still working as the Pentagon
liaison to NASA."

"Pretty young for that, aren't you?" Jack asked.

"Mary Sue has always excelled at everything she tried.  She's
unusually accomplished for her age." Sam turned back to her young
cousin, "You have, what, two doctorates?"

"Three.  I picked up Linguistics to add to my Archaeology and
Astrophysics.  I think that's what got me the position here.  Where
else could I go with those specialties?"  Mary Sue replied, smiling.

"What team are you assigned to?" Danny asked.

"I haven't been given a permanent assignment yet." Mary Sue gave
him a dazzling smile.

"She's going to go with us on a couple of missions to get the feel of
things before the General places her with a team." Jack explained.

"Great," Sam said, then she showed Mary Sue over to the work
bench.  "Here, look at this machine we brought back from P2X-
730."  Jack and Danny glanced at each other and by mutual
agreement left the two blondes to their technobabble.  The two
women worked in companionable silence for awhile, as Mary Sue
began to sing quietly to herself.  Sam smiled, having forgotten how
beautiful her cousin's voice was, before returning to her work.

"The Colonel is very attractive." Mary Sue offered after awhile,
scrutinizing Sam as she made the comment.

"I guess," Sam said, warily.

"So, how long have you been in love with him?" Mary Sue asked,
innocently.

"What?!?  I don't know...I mean, I'm not..." Sam stuttered.

"Right.  Of course not.  My bad." Mary Sue smiled, making it clear
that she knew the exact opposite to be true.  She turned back to the
work table.  She reached over and picked up a device on the other
end.  "Is this a particle accelerator?" she asked in awe.  Sam
nodded.  "When did you build this?"

"I built it a few months ago to open the gate on P5C-768.  Colonel
O'Neill was stranded there."  Sam said, not elaborating.  Mary Sue
picked up on Sam's discomfort at the topic, but wouldn't let it drop.

"So you built it to rescue him? How long did it take you."  She
asked, digging for information.

"Three months."

"Wow, you must have been working day and night.  He must have
been very...grateful." Mary Sue wheedled for more details.  She
was determined to make Sam discuss her relationship with her CO.

"You'd think so, wouldn't you." Sam muttered. 

Picking up on Sam's emotions, Mary Sue asked, "Does he know
how you feel?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sam said a little too
quickly.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks," she said, sounding
mildly amused.  "Come on, have you forgotten about my abilities?" 
Before Mary Sue could press her further, they heard the alarms for
an incoming wormhole go off.

"Saved by the bell."  Mary Sue whispered, as she followed Sam in
running to the Gate's control room.  They arrived to find General
Hammond and the rest of SG1 already waiting.  Mary Sue smiled
and winked at the cute technician sitting in front of the computer,
before Hammond addressed him.

"Simmons, are we receiving a GDO signal?" The General asked,
drawing the young man's attention away from Mary Sue's
distracting beauty.

"Coming in now, sir.  It's from Edora."  He turned to his superiors
for instructions.

"Open the iris."  Hammond ordered.  Mary Sue leaned over to
Daniel as the metal circle opened and the standing circle of what
looked to be blue water appeared.

"Who's Edora?" she whispered.

"It's a planet.  P5C-768." He whispered back.

"The one Colonel O'Neill was stranded on?" she asked, her eyes
widening in recognition.

Danny nodded but before he could reply he was shocked into
silence as a single figure walked through the Gate.  Mary Sue
noticed that the woman appeared to be pregnant, just as Colonel
O'Neill gasped "Laira!" and headed down to the Gateroom.  He
was followed by General Hammond, Danny, and Teal'c as Simmons
called Doctor Fraiser to the Gateroom from the infirmary.  Mary
Sue looked at Sam and saw her struggling to conceal the hurt in her
expression.  The two cousins headed down to the infirmary to meet
the rest of the team.

*****

Sam refused to say anything about Laira to Mary Sue as she
reluctantly followed the rest of her team in escorting Laira to the
infirmary.  Mary Sue then turned to Danny, who briefly filled her in
on his observations during the mission to P5C-768 and the rescue
mission three months later.  When the group reached the infirmary,
Janet had Laira sit on a bed as she began the preliminary
examination to make sure there had been no ill effects from the
Gate travel.  The rest of the group stood near the door, only Jack
stood by the bed.

"This child..." Jack trailed off, his question obvious in his voice.

"Is yours." Laira confirmed with a nod, then looked at him
expectantly.  Jack's discomfort was obvious to everyone as they all
came to the simultaneous realization that Laira was waiting for
some sort of declaration of love or commitment, perhaps even a
proposal.  Danny, Janet and Mary Sue all looked to Sam to see her
looking down at the floor, crushed.  Finally Jack opened his mouth
to speak.

"Laira, I..." he began somewhat reluctantly.  No one ever found out
what he was going to say because he was immediately interrupted.

"No!" Mary Sue objected quickly, stepping forward. "She's lying." 
Sam looked up quickly and everyone was shocked by the assertion. 
Laira's eyes went wide, whether with shock or panic no one was sure.  "The
child isn't yours, Colonel.  I can see it in her mind."  Everyone but
Sam was extremely confused by the comment.

"General, Colonel, Lieutenant Raven has always had an unusual ability. 
She has an extremely high ESP rating.  She's an empath, at times
she's even telepathic." Sam explained, stepping forward to stand by
her cousin, who was approaching Laira's bed.

"You wanted this child to be his.  But it wasn't conceived in the one
night you were together.  After he left the next day, you realized
you weren't pregnant as you had hoped."  Mary Sue was slowly
walking toward the bed as she spoke, her eyes never leaving Laira's.
"You found another man, one newly returned to Edora.  You got
him drunk enough that he wouldn't remember in the morning, fucked him,
and then left before he woke up.  You thought that by
becoming pregnant with Colonel O'Neill's child, or rather, by telling
him that you were, you could make him return to you."  She
stopped directly in front of Laira, who was becoming increasingly
panicked.

"She lies.  The child is yours, Jack.  She wants you, that's why she
lies." Laira looked at Jack pleadingly as he unconsciously stepped
back away from her, stopping just in front of Sam.

"No.  I only met the Colonel today.  I have no feelings for him,
even less than he has for you.  But it's easy enough to prove.  Allow
Dr. Fraiser to perform a paternity test.  It can be done right now
with an amniocentesis and the results would be back in a day or
so."  As Mary Sue spoke calmly and rationally, Laira's became
even more paniced.

"No!  Please, Jack!" She begged him.

"Laira, will you take the paternity test?" Jack asked, his suspicions
raised as much by Laira's denials as by Mary Sue's narrative.  Laira
seemed to deflate as her gaze dropped from him down her lap and
she shook her head negatively.  "Lieutenant Raven is right, isn't
she?"

"Yes, Jack." Laira whispered, then she looked back at him
desperately. "But it should have been yours.  I wanted it to be
yours."

"I think you'd better go home to your son, Laira." Jack said, coldly.

"Will you come see me?" she pleaded.

"No, I don't think that's a good idea." He turned and walked out. 
Sam followed him quickly, realizing he would be upset, and the rest
of the observers trickled out.  As Mary Sue was about to leave,
Laira stopped her.

"This is all your fault.  We would have been happy.  Everything
would have been perfect." Laira said accusingly.

"You did this to yourself.  Jack would never have been happy with
you on Edora.  He might've come to care for you again, like he did
during those three months he was stranded, but he would never
have loved you." Mary Sue told her.

"Why not?" Laira asked bitterly.

"Because he loves someone else.  And someone else loves him.  I
see it in them as clearly as I saw into you." Mary Sue turned and
walked out, leaving Janet to complete her examination of Laira. 
When Laira left a few hours later, neither Jack nor any member of
SG1 saw her off.  Only Mary Sue stood at the bottom the ramp to
wish her well and recommend that she improve her morals.

*****

One month later

Mary Sue had spent the better part of a month subtly gauging the
relationship between her cousin and Colonel O'Neill.  She had
consulted with both Janet and Daniel and found that they had
arrived at the same conclusions she had.  However, they all agreed
that a mutual fear of rejection and regulations was preventing their
friends from either acknowledging or acting on their feelings.  It
wasn't until Mary Sue met the Tok'ras Martouf and Anise when
they came to the base to screen for Zaytarks that a plan began to
solidify in her mind.  Although her impressions of the two were
confused by the presence of two minds in each, she had taken an
instant dislike to Anise, sensing deception in her as well as a
dangerous level of curiosity about Mary Sue's abilities.  She had
likewise felt that there was something off about Martouf, but had
initially dismissed it as a combination of a reaction to the
smarminess of his personality and the result of the confusion he
seemed to engender in Sam.  She felt little more regret for his death
than her compassionate nature's natural reaction to a sentient
being's death and empathy for Sam's pain in killing him.  Although
she had not been privy to the Zaytark testing sessions, Sam's
subsequent refusal to discuss how she and Jack had been cleared
raised Mary Sue's suspicions that something significant had passed
in the room.  Being an expert computer hacker, she easily gained
access to the security video of the tests.  Her suspicions confirmed
by the heartfelt confessions of the two star-crossed lovers, Mary
Sue reinvested herself in finding a way to bring the two of them
together.  Her first step was to approach General Hammond.  After
clarifying the points of her argument in her mind, she made a formal
appointment to see the General.  She walked into his office in a
perfectly pressed uniform, her long strawberry blond hair in a flawlessly
ordered arrangement of braids on her head, and stood at attention.

"At ease, Lieutenant.  Have a seat." He gestured to the chair in
front of his desk.  "You went to the trouble of making an
appointment, that's a formality we don't often see around here. 
Whatever you needed to talk to me about must be very important."

"I think so, sir." He gestured for her to continue.  "Sir, I wish to
bring to your attention a matter which I believe will soon begin to
affect the productivity of this base if it is not addressed.  A matter
whose effects are already beginning to show if you look closely,
and which will only become more apparent.  I haven't been assigned
here long, but I believe that my relatively recent arrival offers me a
fresh perspective which those who have been here for the last
several years may not have."  Seeing that she had his full attention,
Mary Sue blazed ahead.  "I'm concerned with the enforcement of
fraternization regulations in this base and the effect they are having
and will have on the personnel assigned here."

"Do you know of some violations of the regulations?" Hammond
asked warily, not at all certain that he wanted to know--particularly
if it was about Carter and O'Neill.

"No, sir.  That's the point.  I believe that the regulations themselves
are becoming detrimental to the running of this base."  Mary Sue
replied

"Care to explain that, Lieutenant."

"Sir, working at the SGC is a highly stressful job.  Particularly, for
the teams going off-world.  They face highly dangerous situations
on a regular basis and have, on occasion, been called on to save the
world.  But due to the nature of their work and the high security
concerns involved, they are unable to share anything they do with
people off-base.  They are gone for days or weeks at a time, sustain
serious injuries, make incredible scientific discoveries, and yet they
cannot confide any of this in their significant others.  General, it is
human nature to require companionship.  Love, comfort, and even
sex are very important to psychological well-being.  Not to mention
having the ability to decompress after a stressful day by sharing
their concern, triumphs, and tragedies by talking with someone they
love, someone who can understand everything that's happened. 
The combination of schedule and security concerns preventing the
establishment of a healthy off-base relationship and fraternization
regulations preventing on-base relationships is causing the stress
levels in SGC personnel to become like steam building in a bottle. 
Soon someone is going to pop.  Not to mention that being in such
highly stressful situations, fighting for their lives and for the planet
on a regular basis, tends to promote the development of close
relationships.  The teams on this base, from my observations, have
developed close familial relationships.  Therefore the concerns of
favoritism produced by romantic relationships are completely moot. 
Under the conditions in which this base operates, the fraternization
regulations can only be detrimental to efficient working conditions." 
Mary Sue concluded her planned argument and, looking the
General directly in the eyes, waited for a response.

"Lieutenant Raven, that is the best argument against the
regulations I have ever heard.  And believe me, I've heard quite a
few."  Hammond broke into a grin, which was quickly mirrored by
the beautiful smile that appeared on Mary Sue's face.  "Personally,
I've never been much of a fan of the regulations that believe that
highly intelligent, well-trained, and professional officers are unable
to control their behavior.  Lieutenant, I would like you to write up
a report stating exactly the concerns, observations, and points that
you have just outlined for me.  I will submit it to the President and
the Joint Chiefs, with my recommendations for an immediate review
of the pertaining regulations and reappraisal of their usefulness in
the case of the SGC.  There are enough other special cases about
this base, one more shouldn't hurt."

"Yes, Sir.  I'll have the report to you within the hour."

"You don't waste any time, do you, Lieutenant?"  Hammond asked
in amazement.

"No, Sir," she replied, cheekily.

*****

One week later (or three months, depending on your point of view)

Mary Sue was singing as she walked into Sam's lab ready to assist
her cousin with her latest project.  She was in extremely high
spirits, exceeding even her own naturally cheerful demeanor.  She
had just come from seeing General Hammond who had told her that
the President and Joint Chiefs had been completely persuaded by
her report and that an official announcement of the change in
regulations would be made soon.

"Days can be sunny with never a sigh
Don't need what money buy
Birds in the trees sing their day full of song
Why shouldn't we sing along?
I'm chipper all the day, happy with my lot.
How do I get that way?  Look at what I've got.
I've got rhythm, I've got music
I've got my man.
Who could ask for anything more?
I've got daisies in green pastures.
I've got my man.
Who could ask for anything more?
Old man trouble, I don't mind him.
You won't find him 'round my door.
I've got starlight, I've got sweet dreams.
I've got my man.
Who could ask for anything more?"

"Why do you have to be so cheerful?" Sam asked.  She looked
tired, Mary Sue noted.  She had realized that her cousin wasn't
sleeping well after the incident with the Zaytarks and Sam and
Jack's forced confessions.  Curiosity over Jack's actions during the
recent time loop had intensified it to the point that Sam had
confided in Mary Sue that Jack had been so much on her mind that
she was unable to get a good night's rest.

"Does my singing bother you?" Mary Sue asked, softly.  Although
she knew that Sam and Jack's relief was coming soon, she had been
sworn to secrecy and knew that at this point all she could do was
work on Sam so that she would be ready to seize the opportunity
when it was revealed to her.

"Of course not!" Sam assured her.  "Your singing is wonderful.  I'm
just not in the mood for something so cheery right now."  Mary Sue
smiled at that, and began to sing a song she knew would echo
Sam's mood.

"They're writing songs of love
But not for me
A lucky star's above
But not for me
With love to lead the way
I've found more skies of gray
Than any Russian play could guarantee
I was a fool to fall and get that way
Heigh-ho, alas, and also lack-a-daize
And though I can't dismiss
The memory of his kiss
I know he's not for me.
It started off so swell
This let's pretend
It all began so well
But what an end
The climax of a plot
Should be the marriage knot
But there's no knot for me."

Mary Sue had watched Sam carefully as she sang.  She had seen
Sam's eyes drift close and the sad smile drift across her face.  She
had also seen what Sam had not.  She had seen Jack walk up to the
door of the lab and stand there watching Sam and listening to Mary
Sue sing.  She had seen the same look of longing on his face that
she had seen on Sam's.  And she smiled to herself as she glanced at
the clock and saw that it was time for the mail to arrive.  Sam's eyes
drifted open and she jumped slightly when she saw Jack standing
there watching her.  "Sir!"

"Carter," Jack said softly.  He opened his mouth to say something
else, but before either woman could find out what he was going to
say, he was interrupted by Daniel running into the room, followed
closely by Janet.

"Jack , Sam!  You have to read this!"  Daniel said as he slid to a
stop and thrust a sheet of paper into Jack's hands.  Jack read
through the paper quickly, then letting out a yell of triumph he ran
to Sam, threw his arms around her waist, and lifted her up, kissing
her passionately.

Sam responded instinctively, before her mind got the better of her. 
When he put her down, she pulled away slightly.  "Jack?"  He
grinned and looked to where their four friends--as Danny, Janet,
and Mary Sue had been joined by Teal'c--stood smiling at them. 
Picking up the paper, Danny read Sam the good news.

"Due to the special situation at the Stargate Command, the
traditional fraternization regulations are to be set aside.  Due to the
security risks inherent in off-base relationships and the stressful
circumstances under which SGC personnel work, romantic
relationships between officers and other personnel shall be allowed
so long as they do not interfere with the operation of teams on or
off base and appropriate behavior is displayed while on duty. 
Should any relationship interfere with discipline, morale, or the
operation of the facility or missions, it is the prerogative of the base
commander to discipline those involved as he/she sees fit.  This new
regulation is effective immediately."  Danny looked up from the
paper with a grin at the happy couple.

Sam was speechless.  "How?  Who?"

"You can thank Lieutenant Raven for the new regulation." General
Hammond answered as he entered the room.  Everyone looked
from Hammond to Mary Sue in surprise.

"All I did was write a report and submit it to the President and Joint
Chiefs with the General's recommendation."  Mary Sue said,
humbly.  Sam crossed to her cousin quickly and hugged her,
whispering her thanks.  The minute Sam released her, Jack
embraced Mary Sue.  Stepping back from her, Jack turned to face
the General.

"Sir, I'd like to request some leave time." He said with a grin.

"That won't be necessary, Colonel.  SG-1 is on downtime for the
next week."  General Hammond spoke up with a smile before Sam
could chime in with her own request.  "Have fun," he said as he
turned to leave.  Jack invited everyone over to his house for a
celebration the next day before he and Sam ran out headed for the
surface.

*****

Epilogue

Mary Sue was a bridesmaid at Sam and Jack's wedding, having
deferred to Janet as maid of honor so that Janet would be escorted
down the aisle by Daniel (who had become the next object of her
matchmaking skills).  Not only did these efforts pay off, but Mary
Sue eventually began a romance with her own groomsman escort,
Teal'c.  The three couples were all very happy together until a year
later, when Mary Sue heroically sacrificed herself to save her
friends and lover during a Goa'uld ambush. She was highly
decorated posthumously for her final act of bravery and her tragic
death was mourned by all who had known and loved her.  Sam and
Jack named their first born daughter Mary in honor of her and
Daniel and Janet likewise named their first born daughter Sue.

*****
Fin