My nights were broken
Split by the wail
of my phantom baby's cries
Half asleep I would stumble
to the crib that wasn't there
Awake
Aware now
I would return
to my bed
With empty, aching, arms
I wondered
as I hugged my pillow close
and rocked myself to sleep
If you were out there
truly crying
If your cries had somehow traveled to me
If you were now being rocked and comforted by another
Or if those tears
and cries
were welling up
from a place deep within me
and spilling into my dreams.
BR, 1995
Open adoption is often presented to birthparents as a way to lessen the
grief of losing a child to adoption. Being able to see your child, and
eventually develop a relationship with him or her, does not, however,
change the fact that you are no longer the child's parent. In fact, the
loss of being Mom or Dad is often painfully obvious to us with each
visit. Infants may only stop crying when the adoptive mother picks him
up, and toddlers quickly become the adoptive father's "Daddy's little
girl.
Losing a child to adoption is one of the most significant losses that
birthparents will ever have to face. For most of us it is also our first
experience with grief. " The grief we feel for our children includes not
only missing the times we had with them as their mother or father, but
mourning for the times we will not have with them as their parents.
One of the first steps in dealing with grief is by knowing how it can
affect your life. While grieving is the normal reaction to loss, it
hardly feels that way; grief can cause sleeplessness, nightmares,
depression, anxiety and anger. These phases are distinct, but everyone
goes through them in their own way and at their own pace. Your emotions
may run the gamut, from sadness, to anger, guilt, relief and anxiety, all
in one day! There is no set time table for processing your loss.
Shock and Denial
Shock is usually the first reaction to loss. You may feel numb, as though
you are just going through the motions. Intellectually you may
acknowledge the loss, but emotionally it has not hit you yet. In this
stage, you may alternate between feeling calm to bursting into tears.
The shock is often confounded by the miracle of birth. You must deal with
a rush of conflicting emotions as you gaze upon the new life you have
created. For many birthfathers, and some birthmothers, it may be the
first time the baby is real for them. The feelings of pride and joy
associated with giving birth are mixed with the sadness that comes from
the decision to let go.
As the shock wears off, you may begin to feel intense sadness and pain.
Many birthparents enter a period of denial to try to minimize their loss.
These birthparents console themselves with the idea that the loss in an
open adoption is really quite small. After all, they will be able to
maintain contact and eventually have a relationship with their child.
Some even begin to think about the adoption in positive terms only,
denying that there has been any loss at all. One birthmother I talked to
said that she would "not allow any negative feelings" to interfere with
her son's adoption. This woman told me she had "never shed a tear and
that thinking about her one year old son only brought smiles" to her face.
Other birthparents deny the loss by avoiding it. They fill their days
with so much activity that they "don't have the time" to grieve. They may
also deliberately avoid places and people that remind them of their
pregnancy, including the adoptive parents and their child. Occasionally,
a birthparent may start abusing drugs or alcohol as a way of trying to
avoid the loss.
Shock and denial are normal coping mechanisms. According to Theresa Rando
PhD, the author of five books on grieving, "it functions as a buffer by
allowing you to absorb the reality of the loss a little at a time, rather
than being completely overwhelmed by it. It is an emotional anesthesia
that serves as a protective mechanism."
Denial that goes on for too long, however, can be a form of emotional
repression and may cause phobias, anxiety, psychosomatic illnesses, and
irritability. There is no easy way around the grieving process. While the
pain and sadness associated with healthy grieving may be difficult,
denying these emotions indefinitely will not make them go away.
Sorrow and Depression
As the shock wears off and you begin to comprehend the extent of your
loss, you may begin to feel sorrow and depression. Everything seems to be
a reminder of the child that is no longer with you. It seems that
everywhere you turn there is a pregnant woman or a new baby. You may
spend hours looking at the baby's pictures or reading the letters from
the adoptive parents.
Ten days after my son was born I was in a store when an infant started
crying. As soon as that baby began to cry, I felt as if someone had
knocked the wind right out of me. I had to find a place to sit and sob.
Some of the emotional aspects of depression can be debilitating. You may
be unable to concentrate, feel apathetic or despairing. You may feel
isolated and alone in your grief, vulnerable and even worthless. You may
wonder why you "just can't get it together". These feelings are often
complicated by the expectations either you or others may have of your
grieving process. It is important to remember that depression is also a
normal part of the grieving process and must be experienced like
everything else.
Some birthparents also have physical sensations. Their arms may ache to
hold the baby, or they may think they hear the baby crying. For
birthmothers especially, the absence of the baby, after months of
carrying and caring for the child, may seem like amputation. It sometimes
feels like a gnawing, empty feeling in the pit of your stomach that seems
like it will never go away.
Depression can also have other physical effects. Grieving is hard work
and can cause fatigue, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, anxiety,
and muscular aches and pains. In her book, "Living Through Personal
Crisis", Ann Kaiser Sterns says, " Not only through tears do we cry out
pangs of grief. Under the stress of what has been unrecoverably lost, our
bodies have a dozen ways of weeping with us."
Anger
Anger is a natural part of the grieving experience, but it often takes
you by surprise. You may become angry at God, your parents, the
birthfather, the adoptive parents, or even strangers. Most of my ranting
and raving was directed at God, who "allowed" me to get pregnant. It
didn't seem fair that I should be the one to have an unplanned pregnancy
when so many of my friends were also sexually active. I also found myself
looking in anger at happy families with new babies.
Repressed anger only festers. Unfortunately, few of us have been taught
to deal with anger in a healthy way. For some, the biggest step is
acknowledging that we are angry and then finding a way to express the
anger in a way that is not harmful to you or others.
Anger often creates negative energy. I had several panic attacks before I
realized that it was anger I was trying to avoid. Talking helps some
people cope with anger. Some people deal with anger by working out,
walking, or running. Still others like to do some private screaming and
yelling. I spent a number of nights out by the beach with a close friend
of mine screaming into the wind.
Guilt
As you begin to heal and learn how to live again, you may feel pangs of
guilt. "If onlys" then become a part of the grieving experience. If only
we had done things differently, we would not be feeling the pain we are
in. If only I had been a better person, I would have been able to raise
my child.
Some birthparents experience guilt in the form of regretting their
decision to choose adoption. Second guessing your decision at this point
is perfectly normal. You may wonder why you made the decisions you did
and you may experience some regret in having made them. If the decision
was made in haste or under pressure, you may question your judgment.
For a few years, I felt so guilty about my decision that I did not feel
worthy of having contact with my son. I felt guilty about relinquishing
my role as his mother, and I did not feel I had a place in his life.
Unfortunately, society often reinforces the negative views that
birthparents have about themselves. It took me awhile to realize that
while I relinquished my role as his mother, there was still a lot I had
to offer him.
It is important to remember that we are only human, and we can only do
the best that we can. It is easy to blame ourselves for not doing things
differently. Whether the guilt you are feeling is legitimate or not,
there will a come a point where you will need to forgive yourself.
Acceptance
Acceptance is being able to integrate the loss of your child into your
life. You have a clear definition of what it means to be a birthmother or
birthfather and you feel comfortable with you place in your child's life.
For some, it means accepting a situation that is less than perfect or
different from what they expected.
Acceptance brings with it renewed energy and strength. Concentration
returns, and you can function normally and even excel. You may also feel
that you have learned a great deal about yourself and others from going
through your experience.
Acceptance does not mean that the pain of loss is gone; it means that you
have found a way to make it part of your life. For birthparents in open
adoptions, this means fully letting go of the parental role and defining
for ourselves what it means to be a birthparent to our child. It also
means you have made some decisions as to who you feel comfortable with in
talking about your child's adoption.
When to Get Professional Help
Fully experiencing grief is hard work, and no one is able to fully go
through it alone. Often, friends and family are just not able to give you
the support you need. At this point, you may need to seek out a
professional counselor.
Suicidal thoughts and substance abuse are two warning signals that you
need professional help. Another indication that you may need to talk to a
professional is if your relationships are severely effected by your
grieving process. Marked changes in how you deal with co-workers or
friends, entering unhealthy relationships, or cutting yourself off from
those who love and care about you are all examples of the need for help.
Another reason for seeing a professional counselor is that people
sometimes get "stuck" in one phase of grieving. If you are feeling like
you are not making any progress after a period of time, or feel as if
your responses are extreme, it may be time to talk to a professional.
Counselors that specialize in bereavement will be able to tell you
whether yours is a normal reaction or not. Often, it helps just to have a
professional's reassurance that you are grieving normally.
Occasionally, it is a matter of finding the support in a professional
that your family and friends are unable or unwilling to give. Many
birthparents feel isolated, as if nobody can understand their loss. In
this case especially, support groups can be particularly helpful. Being
able to talk to other birthparents about their experiences may help you
not feel so alone.
To find the right counselor for you, first ask for personal referrals.
You may ask the agency or lawyer you placed with, or friends. The
American Adoption Congress also has a list of professionals that
specialize in adoption issues. You may also find looking in the phone
directory helpful. Many counselors who specialize in bereavement
advertise that fact.
Once you have found the name of a counselor, interview them over the
telephone. Ask if they have experience in adoption issues and, if they do
not, what their feelings are regarding adoption. Find out what their
credentials are to be a practicing therapist, and how much experience
they have had in bereavement counseling. Also ask them how they treat
grieving clients. If they sound like someone who you would like to see,
make sure that they take your health insurance or ask what kind of
financial arrangements can be made. Some agencies have sliding scale
fees, or other financial assistance available.
For BirthFathers
Birthfathers often grieve their loss differently than birthmothers. Men
are often taught that the traditional expressions of grieving, such as
crying and speaking about their feelings, are considered unmanly.
Men are also taught to take action in crisis situations. Unfortunately,
most birthfathers are not involved in the decision-making process. While
the reasons for non-involvement vary, this often increases their feelings
of helplessness and can result in them further distancing themselves from
the situation. Additionally, birthfathers often experience guilt for "not
being able to provide" for their children.
Conclusion
Finally, remember that grieving is often a process of two steps forward,
one step back. There will be days that are better than others, and also
days where it takes all that you have just to cope. Be patient with
yourself. Talk to others who love and support you and take time to be
alone when you have to. Give yourself permission to not be 100% at all times.
Post-Grief
Successfully resolving the loss of a child to adoption is not an easy
process. It requires us to let go of our role as our children's parents
and define what being a birthparent means. It calls us to examine and
identify what the loss means to us, it's effect on our life, and how we
will fit it into the new life we must create for ourselves. It is further
complicated by the fact that while we must allow ourselves to feel the
pain of separation, we are seeking to forge new relationships with our
child and their adoptive parents.
The first step towards resolving any loss is to acknowledge the loss and
come to an understanding of what it means to you. For birthparents in
open adoptions the loss can most purely be defined as losing the parental
role. For at least three months after my son, Matthew, was born I
struggled with putting that definition into words. Emotionally, I knew
that I had lost something very precious to me. My body and soul were
responding to the loss as if it were a death. Intellectually, however,
all I could see was that he was still a part of my life, that I would be
able to see him, that he would come to know me and have a relationship
with me.
Like many birthparents, I was totally unprepared for the emotional impact
of no longer being my son's "Mom", despite all the information I received
before I relinquished. A lot of what I was feeling was a profound
loneliness. During my pregnancy I spent a lot of time just
"communicating" with my son, feeling him kick, watching him move, talking
to him. After he left with his adoptive parents I felt so deeply alone.
So much of my energy had gone into nurturing him that his absence left a
tremendous void. For me, the loss was further complicated by the fact
that I never thought of myself as "mommy material". I was overwhelmed by
the maternal feelings I was experiencing, giving my loss an added
dimension I was not prepared for.
For other birthparents the meaning may be different depending on their
circumstances and values. Birthparents, for example, who have always
included parenting in their future plans, may find the deeper meaning of
their loss to include the shattering of how they always dreamed their
first child would be born. The loss of this dream, is another loss that
must be dealt with in addition to the loss of their child to adoption,
because it is a part of how they see themselves.
Birthparents who are already parenting children, are also making a major
shift in their self image. They simultaneously have the responsibility of
parenting one child, while not parenting another. For these birthparents,
who already have experience in directly caring for a child, losing the
role of parent can be difficult and sometimes confusing. This is
especially true for birthparents who find differences in the parenting
styles of themselves and their child's adoptive parents. These
birthparents also have the additional responsibility of helping the
children they are parenting understand and cope with the adoption. This
includes not only helping the child through the grieving process, but
educating those that have contact with the child.
Another aspect of defining our loss is to look beyond the loss of our
child to adoption to the secondary losses that may have occurred as a
result. Matthew was born two weeks after the start of the new university
semester, so I was unable to resume classes right away. Additionally, I
was fired from my job and forced to move back in with my parents. The
multiple losses of school, work and independence certainly added to my
grieving process.
Other secondary losses may include losing friends who are not supportive
of our decisions, dealing with the disapproval of family members or even
feeling the loss of a more carefree kind of life. I am reminded of a
conversation with a birthmother whose son was only seven months old at
the time. She kept on repeating, "What about me? These are supposed to
be the best times of my life. Instead all I feel is hurt."
Knowing and understanding your losses, will, at first, be very painful.
Though it may seem to us to be overwhelming, pain plays a very important
part in the grieving process and needs to be fully experienced if we are
to move on to resolve our loss. It enables us to release our tears, to
feel our empty arms, to acknowledge the dull ache in our chests.
While experiencing the pain of loss is difficult, minimizing or denying
it's existence for an extended period of time is very unhealthy. It will
not make the pain go away, and will increase your suffering. Buried grief
can cause a multitude of problems including psychosomatic illnesses,
anxiety, as well as effecting our personal relationships. To fully
resolve the loss of our children through adoption, this pain must be
felt. Only then will you be able to leave most of it behind.
It is important to note that you do not need to "live" with your grief
twenty four hours a day in order to successfully resolve your loss.
Taking breaks from thinking and experiencing your pain is a healthy thing
to do. Setting your grief aside to escape into a good book, watch a funny
movie, or go out for a really great meal, will give you time to recharge
as well as remind you of life's pleasures when all seems bleak.
Resolving grief, is not only about understanding and accepting what we
have lost, and feeling the pain, it also about integrating that loss into
our lives. This means redefining our relationship with our child from
caregiver to birthparent. It may seem, in the midst of our pain, that we
have lost everything. Even seeing our children may initially be more
painful than the joyous experience we hoped it would be. Contact may seem
only to serve to remind us of our loss. It is important to remember that,
though dramatically altered, a relationship still exists between us and
our children as their birthparents.
Feeling comfortable as a birthparent will not be a simple task. There are
no role models to go by, and there is often resistance from family and
friends. Additionally, it may be difficult to see the importance of your
role in your child's life while they are very young and not capable of
having a direct relationship with you. In determining your role, do not
underestimate what a birthparent's involvement can mean to your child.
You are a source of information, surely, but your involvement, even when
the child is an infant, also communicates that they are loved and
accepted by you, despite the fact that you are not parenting them.
One of the most frequently asked questions I get is what my relationship
with Matthew compares to. Does he see me as an aunt or close friend of
the family? Everyone wants a definition that they can relate to and feel
comfortable with. Yet I am not his aunt, and while I certainly feel as
though I am a close friend of the family, my relationship to him alone
can only be described as being his birthmother. There are no comparisons
to be made. In being a part of his creation, in nurturing him the months
before his birth, and in the days after, I am to him what no other can
be.
How will you know when you have successfully resolved your loss? There
are a number of signs. If the relationships with your child and their
adoptive parents are stable, you will find a certain comfort in being
your child's birthparent. You will be able to talk about them with some
degree of ease, and you will feel secure of your place in their lives.
Over time, you will find you have developed traditions and routines that
come naturally to all of you.
Not all open adoption matches are made in heaven. There may be
situations where the adoptive parents are less than cooperative or there
are personality clashes. If the relationships are less than what you
expected them to be, or strained in some way, resolution will mean you
will have come to accept the realities of the situation and have
developed strategies on how to handle it. This includes finding a way to
have a meaningful relationship with your child in spite of the
circumstances, and dealing in a healthy way with the anger you may feel
over being in an undesirable position.
In brief, your relationships with your child and his adoptive family will
become a familiar part of your life. That does not always mean you will
always be completely at ease with it, but it will no longer be your main
focus as you live from day to day.
Post-Grieving Issues
Resolving loss does not mean you will never again grieve not being parent
to your child. We never fully leave the pain behind us. There will
always be times in our lives where we are revisited by our grief. Times
when the battle scars of grieving will make their presence known to us.
They may be situations that catch us by surprise, or significant
anniversaries or events that trigger our memories.
Even happy events, such as the birth of other children in your circle of
family and friends, weddings, and family reunions may bring with them
pangs of grief for what we are not able to share with our children.
Milestones in the lives of our children may also remind us of our loss.
The first day of school, the first date, graduations, and weddings, even
if we are able to participate in some way, may make us aware of our
altered role. That does not necessarily mean that we will view these
events through a vale of tears, rather, through our gladness there may
come the dull ache of what might have been.
New loss also has a tendency to remind us of previous losses. After my
second miscarriage, I had a particularly hard time in grieving for the
loss of that child. It was hard for me to understand why it was so
difficult since, on the surface, the circumstances of my situation were
not as extreme as with my first miscarriage. The first miscarriage
occurred during the fifth month of my pregnancy, in a foreign country and
with a number of physical complications. My second miscarriage occurred
at 8 weeks, without the physical problems. I finally realized that what I
was responding to was not only the loss of what would have been my fourth
child, but all the pregnancy losses that had come before it, including
the loss of my son to adoption.
There are also a number of other situations where you may acutely feel
the loss of your child to adoption. For those who have not fully resolved
the guilt and shame they may feel in not parenting their child, the
decision to marry or have subsequent children can be the cause of anxiety
or even crisis. Three years after my husband and I were married we began
discussing the possibility of having children. These initial discussions
sent me into a tailspin of anxiety and depression that took me a number
of months to connect with my adoption experience. I felt unworthy to
parent, because I had given the privilege of parenting my first born to
someone else. It took some intensive counseling and introspection for me
to get to the point where I could see myself in the role of parent.
The fear of more, or greater, loss may also be a part of the post
grieving experience. In the effort to protect ourselves from further loss
we may be extremely cautious about getting into intimate relationships or
having other children. Or you may find yourself feeling overprotective of
the children you are parenting. You also may worry about losing those you
love in some way. While all of the responses are normal, they can be
harmful if they begin to adversely effect your life. It is important that
we see these fears in light of our loss and do our best to overcome
them.Allowing ourselves to be controlled by our fears will only hurt
ourselves and those around us by not permitting us to live as fully as we
might.
In Conclusion
There is no doubt that losing a child to adoption is a life altering experience. With resolution, however, you can find some degree of peace and understanding. You will also find that, in developing a relationship with your child as his/her birthparent all has not been completely lost. While there still may be times of grieving, there will also be joy in what you are able to have together.
Copyright Brenda Romanchik/R-Squared Press. For personal use only. Professional copies of this article can be obtained through R-squared Press. For this, and other
resources for open adoption, contact: 721 Hawthorne, Royal Oak, MI 48067.
(248)543-0997/ brenr@r2press.com or visit our web siite at http://www.r2press.com
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