Just Rin

by Angela

The waves tumbled against the beach, stretching to touch the sand with their foamy fingers. Alice leaned back onto her elbows, sighing as the cold water tickled her toes. Another year finished, another day at the seaside. This was the sixth year she’d come there with Rin--her mind sifted through memories of chasing each other through the surf and building castles of damp sand. She gazed around the vacant beach, wondering how such a protected stretch of sand and ocean could be unknown to tourists.

The sun crept low in the west--soon it would set and she and Rin would have to pack up their things and head home. Alice didn’t want to go; she was content to linger forever in the golden light of late afternoon. Usually she was dragging Rin out of the water by then, gathering their towels and toys together so they wouldn’t miss their train. This year she didn’t feel so responsible. She dropped her head onto Rin’s shoulder and gazed out over the water.

“Alice.” His voice was quiet; his breath tickled her ear. “Alice, isn’t the light perfect right now? It makes me realize how lucky we are to come here every summer.”

She didn’t answer, just closed her eyes against his voice and the emotions it roused. He was sounding more and more like Shion lately--not in his voice, which wasn’t as low, but in the way he used his words, the things he said. It was more than that, really. She had noticed the way other girls looked at him, the way he had somehow stopped being little Rin Kobayahshi and become someone else entirely. He was only thirteen--Alice had to remind herself of that fact too often lately.

She sat up abruptly, matter-of-factly brushing the sand from her legs. Her face burned as she realized how long and bare they were, but flushed a deeper red when she remembered it was only Rin who would see them. No cause for embarrassment--he was just a kid.

“Alice?”

She turned to look at him--he was a kid who didn’t sound like a kid. She gave her head a quick shake, startling herself with the damp tendrils of hair that slapped her back. It had been a perfect day; why was she ruining it by thinking bad thoughts? She smiled. “Ready to go, Rin?”

He shook his head, his penetrating eyes fixed on her face.

Alice was mortified by the rapid acceleration of her heartbeat, by the flush of heat that crashed over her body. Her dreams of Shion and Mokuren--her memories--flooded her mind as she tried to look away from the expanse of skin of Rin’s chest. He didn’t look like a thirteen-year-old boy. Her mouth went dry.

“We-we’ll miss our train,” she stammered. She didn’t move to stand up; she was transfixed by his stare.

Rin smiled, a slow sexy smile that Alice was sure he was unconscious of. That same smile made the girls in his class dissolve into giggles. “There are late trains,” he reminded her slowly. He blushed and looked away, his confidence suddenly jostled. “Alice, I want to kiss you.”

Alice looked at her hands, then out at the ocean, anywhere but at Rin’s face. “We’ve talked about this sort of thing. We decided that it must be Shion’s impulse--you’re too young to want--”

“This is different.” The certainty in his voice made her look up. “It feels different. I keep thinking about last year, and I want to kiss you again.”

The year before, he’d asked her to marry him and they’d kissed. It had been short, chaste, and not followed up by another kiss in the whole year that had gone by. Alice had been thinking about it too much lately, in the quiet moments before her classes began and in the lonesome darkness of her bedroom. Sometimes she thought she could still feel the phantom sensation of his warm lips brushing against hers.

"Alice?"

His eyes were bright and earnest in the slanting sunlight. She felt dizzy.

Rin picked up her hand, brushing away the sand that clung to her skin. He looked down, tracing random patterns over her wrist. Alice shivered under the gentle onslaught of his rough, masculine fingers. "We're engaged aren't we?" he asked softly. "For real this time?"

He wouldn't look up at her, and his long pause told her he wanted an answer. Reassurance.

She found her voice. "For real," she whispered, curling her fingers around his hand. "But Rin, don't you think--"

"I think you're in love with me," he interrupted, his eyes meeting hers suddenly. "And I know I'm in love with you, Alice." The fierce conviction in his face made him older. Exactly like Shion. "Don't you feel this too? Don't you feel this need to get closer, to touch?"

His hand, which had been almost crushing hers, suddenly released, and she found herself groping blindly for the contact of his fingers, unable to pull her eyes away from his face. "I feel it," she admitted hoarsely, her palms finding the smooth skin of his leg instead. "But Rin," she thought her head would burst with the swimming confusion, "a kiss might not be--" She felt her skin flush hot. "I mean, Shion and Mokuren were---" Her words broke in her mouth, her mind frantically searching for a way to make him understand.

"Lovers?" His voice was somber.

Alice yanked away, sliding herself to the far corner of their blanket. "You're only thirteen!" she cried helplessly.

"Damn it, Alice, I don't feel like I'm 'only thirteen'!" He punched the sand beside him, growling with frustration. "I remember what Shion remembers, just like you remember Mokuren! I know what it's like. I remember what it felt like to make love to you and yet that's not what I want right now!" He dropped his forehead into his palm, breathing deeply for long moment before speaking. "Alice, all I want is to be close to you. To kiss you. Things have been so confused between us for a long, long time, but I'm sure of this."

She felt her heart lurch at his confession. He was saying everything she hadn't wanted to think about, everything she'd found herself dwelling on anyway. He didn't act like he was thirteen. Strangers had stopped confusing them for siblings, accepting them as a dating couple for months now. Even her family had stopped teasing her, seemingly forgetting the seven years that stretched between their ages. What really bothered her was how often she let herself forget--how often she allowed the physical tingle of desire run through her body when she looked at him.

Just a kiss. She looked at him, almost shining in the last of the sun. The beach was completely empty now. Just one kiss.

She crawled across the sandy blanket until she knelt between his legs, her hands on his bent knees. She felt, rather than heard, the sharp suck of his breath as she leaned her hot palms on his skin. Closing her eyes, she leaned forward, capturing his unprepared mouth with her own.

She kissed him earnestly, tasting the parched salt on his lips and the sweet taste of lemonade. His arms slid around her, his hands pressed low on her back, and she felt like she couldn't get close enough to him.

"I really do love you, Rin," she whispered against his ear, curling her fingers against the bare skin of his waist. From far away came the memory of this, of Rin pressing close against her on a narrow bed. She wanted to lie beneath him, to feel his weight, his arms braced on either side of her head. She remembered his shaggy black hair and dark, narrow eyes, his hoarse voice whispering her name.

Rin's mouth shifted lower, moving across her collarbone. "Shion," Alice breathed, tangling her fingers in his hair.

"Mokuren," he murmured, his tongue tracing the contours of her throat.

"Alice," he corrected softly, his mouth suddenly still.

Mortification spread through her like a slow burn. Pulling her hands away from him, she leaned away. "This was a mistake," she stammered, yanking her jacket over her body that was suddenly too bare and obvious. "I'm sorry, Rin. We shouldn't come here anymore."

Shaking hands stuffed the towels and books into her beach bag. "We'll miss our train," she explained, keeping her eyes on the sand. She could feel him watching her, his stillness making her nervous rushing more frantic. She wondered if he realized how close she'd come to slipping out of herself and into Mokuren--if he was even old enough to realize what they'd been doing.

She was pulling her shoes over her sandy feet when he finally moved. "Don't run away from this, Alice," he said softly, pulling the bag away from her. "Shion and Mokuren--those are sides of ourselves that we're going to have to learn to deal with. We can't let them dictate what we will and won't do, Alice." He crawled the short span between them, kneeling in the sand by her feet. "I only meant to kiss you."

When he leaned up and pressed his mouth against hers, she tried to resist. She closed her eyes, bracing herself for the practiced seduction of Shion's kiss, for Mokuren's ardent reply.

But all she felt was Rin.

His lips were soft, gently coaxing, plying her mouth for a response. A burst of warmth pitched Alice's stomach into flutters and she found herself smiling beneath Rin's inexpert kiss.

When they parted, Rin's face was tinged slightly pink and his eyes were shy. "Don't say we can't come back, Alice," he asked softly.

Alice's heart skipped a beat and she realized there would never be a face more dear to her than this one--not even her fantasy memories of Shion could compare. This was their fourth kiss--they'd finally gotten it right--and she knew she'd never feel this way about another boy. "We'll come back next year, Rin," she promised. Next year and every year after.