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| Inane script sinks "Lighthouse" Imagine, if you will, a lighthouse, many years old yet untouched by time, on a pristine island in the north Pacific. Now imagine the lighthouse being blown to smithereens by the jealous wife of the man who operates said lighthouse. Seems a pretty flimsy premise for a movie, right? That's what we thought, too. But apparently, someone thought it would be a good idea. From the book "Love Sank the Lighthouse" by the bizarre Jean Matsel comes this clunker of a film, directed by the usually very competent Bloody Springfield (who wowed us with such cinematic fare as "Phaser" and "The Beljars"). Its premise is basically as outlined above: Todd Perry (intensely portrayed by Robert Patrick) is hired to operate Little Paris lighthouse on the island of - you guessed it - Little Paris. He and his wife Nell (the stunning Angelina Jolie) are thrilled with their good luck (why, we're not sure) and move immediately to Little Paris to begin their new life. Todd is great at his job - nary a ship is sunk during his run - but Nell starts to feel neglected. She tries everything to regain her husband's attention, but it seems to be a lost cause. So she does what any strong, self-respecting wife would do in a situation like this. That's right- she blows up the lighthouse. Somehow (this part is kind of glossed over), little Nell gets ahold of enough TNT to blow up half the world, and she plants it in the basement of the unsuspecting lighthouse. Nell, assuming that Todd is asleep, hits the detonator, smiling a little too devilishly for comfort. As the explosion lights up the island, she goes upstairs to bed to find - wait for it - that Todd is not there. That's right, he was in the lighthouse. If Nell had known anything about sea travel, she'd know that ships really only need the lighthouse at night, but apparently she hasn't been paying attention to her husband's work schedule. Grief-stricken, she throws herself facedown on her bed, apparently to weep over how bad the script is. But there's more. Todd is still alive. The explosion tossed him into the ocean, and he manages to swim to shore by the next morning, slightly singed but otherwise fine. Nell, seeing her beloved, runs down the stairs and embraces him. We really can't blame the sheer badness of this film on Springfield, Jolie, or Patrick. They all do their damndest to make it good, and unfortunately, it doesn't work. Even actors as good as these two can't make lines like this seem not laughable: [Todd has just swum to shore and is being greeted by his enthusiastic wife] NELL: You're alive! My God, you're alive! TODD: It blew up! Right beneath my feet, and around my head, and... oh! NELL: You're alive! Are you hurt? You're alive! TODD: I'm fine! [Nell has just discovered a large frog at the base of the lighthouse as her husband fishes] NELL: What's this frog doing here? TODD: Probably just hopping around. NELL: Big frog. TODD: Maybe it wants to fish with me. NELL: You idiot, frogs don't fish. [They laugh.] There are a couple of bright spots in this otherwise awful film- Nell's best friend Carla, played by the perky Sabrina Lloyd (from the infinitely better "Sports Night"); and Christopher Walken as the man who hired Patrick to run the lighthouse in the first place. Their dialogue is scant, but their presence is refreshing. And Dave Bell III's score is stirring - if you listen to it rather than the dialogue, you might actually enjoy yourself. Too bad that the rest of the film leaves the viewer with such a bad taste in his or her mouth. by Angie Carter; Bangkok Post-Dispatch [Nebraska] June 10, 1998 |