Tell It Like It Is A FanFic based on Ranma ½ By Kris Thompson This is a work of fiction based on Rumiko Takahashi's 'Ranma Nibun no Ichi' a.k.a. Ranma ½ and was created for the author's personal enjoyment. ::Black television screen. We see a tall Japanese woman, and behind her, we see the Tendo home. The woman, Sakura Sugiyori, a news reporter:: Reporter Sakura Sugiyori: Yes, this is reporter Sakura Sugiyori here from Nermia News at 3, at the Tendo residence, where a disturbance has been reported. ::Behind Miss Sugiyori we can now see a large dust cloud and the occasional crashes coming from the cloud. Suddenly, a small bald figure is punted out of the cloud. The camera zooms up on the figure, showing it to be Happosai, with a bra in his clutches:: Akane's voice: *PERVERT!* Sugiyori: Let up go see what this- *Hey!* ::A figure steps in front of Miss Sugiyori, blocking her from the camera:: Figure: Hello! This is Kenji Sushi, also from NN3. I hate to say that Miss Sakura Sugiyori will no longer be with us, as she is taking a much needed vacation very shortly. ::Behind Sushi we can see two men dragging a very unhappy Miss Sugiyori to the back of a white medical truck labeled 'Nermia Mental Institution for Loonies':: Sushi: Now, we are going to find out about the disturbance. ::Sushi walks over to Akane and Ranma, who are in a heated argument:: Sushi: Uh, excuse me. Akane & Ranma: What?! Sushi: Sheez, don't bite my head off! I am reporter Kenji Sushi from Nermia News at 3 and we were wondering what all the commotion was about. Akane: It's all his fault! He's a thoughtless egotistical pervert! Ranma: At least I'm not an uncute tomboy who can't cook to save her life! Sushi: Yes, alright and what's your name, miss? Akane: Akane Tendo. Sushi: Of the Tendo Training Hall? Akane: Uh...yes. Sushi: I hear business isn't so good. Akane: Hey! That's none of your business! Sushi: Alright, alright! And your name? (to Ranma) Ranma: Ranma Saotome. Sushi: Of the Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts? Ranma: Yeah. Aren't we getting off the subject? Sushi: All in due time, dear boy. Now, isn't it true that you, Mr. Saotome, turn into a redheaded female version of yourself whenever you're splashed with cold water? Some kind of Judo curse or something? Ranma: (begins to sweat) Uh, it's 'Jusenkyo' and no. Sushi: Hey that rhymes! Anyway, back on track here. Well, let's just see. ::Out of nowhere, Sushi pulls out a bucket labeled 'For Fire Only', filled with water, complete with a couple of ice cubes floating at the top. Sushi heaves the bucket and it's contents over Ranma's head:: Sushi: If this isn't a Judo curse, then I don't know what is! Ranma-chan: It's 'Jusenkyo' and whaddya do that for?! Sushi: (points to the camera) To show our lovely viewers at home. Ranma-chan: (shocked) That thing's on? Sushi: Yes it is. Anyway, here's a question for you Ranma: How many fiancées do you have? Ranma-chan: What kinda question is that? Akane: (knocks Ranma-chan over the head with a hot water kettle) Answer his question! Ranma: (boy form now) Ouch! What was that for?! Sushi: Ranma, number of fiancées, please. Ranma: Well, there's Shampoo and Ukyou, and then there's Akane, whose built like a brick, strong as an ox, and she is *so* uncute I can't even begin to tell you- Akane: (hits Ranma over the head once more with the kettle) So don't! Sushi: I have also heard talk that there was a forth fiancée, a Miss Kodachi Kuno? Kodachi: (comes out of nowhere) Oh, Ranma Darling! Ranma: Argh! Kodachi! Get 'er away! Kodachi: But why, my love? ::As suddenly as Kodachi made her entrance, Shampoo and Ukyou Kounji make their own, armed and ready:: Ukyou: (swinging her battle spatula) Kodachi, you'd better leave my Ran-chan alone, you witch! Shampoo: Hiya! Leave Shampoo arien to Shampoo! He no love Crazy Girl or Spatula Girl! Ukyou: (shocked, turns on Shampoo) What are you talking about, you hussy? Ran-chan is *my* fiancé. He was promised to me *way* before you. Kodachi: Excuse me, but you two cretins don't seem to comprehend the love Ranma Darling and myself share. Shampoo: (thwacks Kodachi over the head with her bonbori) You hush now Crazy Girl. Kodachi: Okay, Kodachi go bye-bye now. (Kodachi passes out) Sushi: And Ranma, isn't it true that you also have several people who wish to take your life? ::Behind Ukyou and Shampoo, who are behind Akane, Ranma and Sushi, appear Ryouga Hibiki, Mousse, and Tatewaki Kuno:: Mousse: How dare you hurt my beautiful Shampoo, Saotome! Ranma: (dodges hundreds of knives) What?! I didn't do nuthin' to her! Kuno: Evil vile sorcerer Saotome, what hast the done with the lovely pig-tailed goddess? Ah, the lovely Akane Tendo, come to me-*ugh!* Akane: (standing on Kuno's head) Can it, Kuno. Ryouga: Ranma, how could you *do* such a thing to Akane?! Akane: What? Ranma: Yeah, whaddya talking about, bacon breath? Akane: Stop being mean to Ryouga! Ryouga: Shut up, you hentai! Time to die! ::Ryouga whips out his umbrella and charges Ranma. Sushi turns to Akane:: Sushi: So Akane, do you know Ryouga's little secret? ::Ranma and Ryouga stop in mid-battle:: Akane: No... ::Ryouga begins to sweat:: Sushi: Well, Mr. Ryouga Hibiki is your darling P-chan! Akane: (shocked) R-Ryouga, this isn't true, is it? Sushi: Yes it is, Miss Tendo. Ryouga has a lovely Judo curse- Ranma: It's 'Jusenkyo'!!! Sushi: (continues) -and he turns into a little black piglet whenever he's splashed with cold water! Akane: Ryouga! You pervert! (whips out her trusty mallet and mallets poor Ryouga into low earth orbit) Ranma: (smirking) See ya, P-chan! Akane: (turns on her fiancé) You knew about this?! Ranma: (begins to sweat) Uh... well... you see... um... it's like this- Akane: Ranma, you JERK! (punts Ranma off into the distance. Turns to Sushi and the camera person) What are you looking at?! Sushi: (turns back to the camera) That's all! I'm reporter Kenji Sushi from Nermia News at 3, signing off! ~End~ Author's Notes: The reason for this little piece of fiction? A plain excuse to act stupid that I couldn't pass up. Well, I hop you liked it. signing off! ~krissy cartoonpaperclips@email.com