When I go into myself and search
All I seem to find is pain.
Thoughts and dreams of nothingness
The failing loves,
the painful touches to my heart.
As I think of the ones who love me my soul begins to moan.
Fear of passion,
Fear of loving,
Memories of good are slowing dragging as my heart is tearing.
Wondering of the pain to come if tomorrow never comes.
Sometimes dreams of nothingness seems better than the day.
Not wanting the day but knowing it will come.
Thinking silently to myself wondering if my internal pain is only selfish pain compared to anothers.
Looking out at other people and wondering if they see my pain,
or even if they care.
Trying to trust you'll see  but yet all the others only acted as if they seen.
My pain differs like all other but yet I wish,
selfishly they would feel me.
How to react to happiness is fading.
Knowing everyday I'll be alone and trapped once again in this heartless soul, only leaves me with less than I never had.
Sometimes the pain seems better than already knowing.
Knowing that my escape could become someone else's trap.
Feeling mild pain but more and more each day are greater than the greatest pain.
Tears are like bits of my heart being released.
But memories of all I had released are regrowths of my heart.
Searching for happiness and strength to forget or believe things are able to begin again.
For all the poeple I love only love another more.
I still have yet dreams of helping.
Dreans of banishing all the pain,
but when my day comes will I have evem helped myself???
Lying in my forbidden land,
I try to convince myself of better days to come,
but in my heart I know these are only white crystal lies.
Dreaming of llove,
Awaiting love but believing I shall never see truth.
Looking at myself and wanting to turn away for all I see is a face.
Trying to make myself out to be all and everything I have always pretended to be.
Wanting to be held but knowing all I want is all I have chosen not to see.

THIS IS THE FIRST POEM I EVER WROTE