Bad Air

a comedy by

D. M. Bocaz-Larson

Before performing this script, you must first request permission at pocolocoplayers@yahoo.com or http://www.oocities.org/pocolocoplayers/request.html

Before performing this script, you must first request permission at pocolocoplayers@yahoo.com or http://www.oocities.org/pocolocoplayers/request.html The script may be printed and copied for free. If you decide to perform the play and charge admission, the requirements are below: 1. All programs, posters, etc. should have the author's name (D. M. Bocaz-Larson) and something that tells about the Freedrama.com website such as "Produced by special arrangement with www.freedrama.com". When you complete the production, mail a copy of the program to the royalty address listed below. 2. There is a $20 royalty for using the play for up to two performances. If you perform the play three or more times, the royalty is just $10 per performance. The royalty payment must be sent via http://www.paypal.com. Or you may send a check to: D. M. Bocaz-Larson, 1721 Encino Ave., Grants, NM 87020. Please no purchase orders. NOTE: The play may not be reproduced or published in any form without written permission from the author. Thank you for selecting my script. I hope you enjoy it. Sincerely, D. M. Bocaz-Larson

Cast of Characters

(in order of appearance)

John Ahmad Lieberman: A member of Muslim Jewish Christian Buddhists for Krishna. [m/f]

DICK and Jane: A couple who have something strange in their suitcase.

SALLY: The child of Dick and Jane. [m/f]

Constanza: A natural leader of the staff at AeroPeor who holds the group together.

RiCKY: A baggage boy at AeroPeor who is anxious for advancement.

BERTHA: She’s security at AeroPeor and is one tough lady.

GUY: Bidder at a strange auction.

CARMELLA: Another employee at AeroPeor. She’s an ample, but extremely sexy woman.

LORENZO: New employee at AeroPeor who is the nephew of the BOSS.

BOSS: Manager of AeorPeor.

MARIA: Daughter of Pinomori. She is a student and an actress.*

SULLY and MULDEW: FBI agents come to investigate Pinomori. [m/f]

PINOMORI: Dictator of the Latin American country of Chiru. He is also the owner of AeorPeor.

PABLO and PANCHO: Pinomori’s two guards.

MARY: A woman who looks like a very plain MARIA.*

Female: 7 (5-9) Male: 10 (8-12)

*MARIA and MARY are played by the same actress [or twins].

Place and Time

Present day Albuquerque, New Mexico

(Airport. Audience sees behind the counter of a not so major airline: AeroPeor. The counter is a U shape center stage. Computer terminals face R and L so the ticket agents don’t have their backs to the audience. Customers stand in the middle of the U. The downstage part of the U counter is very low for bags to be placed on. This is their Albuquerque office which offers flights to Latin America. The airline workers are dressed in extremely nice shirts complete with badges, insignia and even a few medals. They have shiny black hats. But they are wearing an assortment of bright colored shorts and sandals. John Ahmad Lieberman wonders around the upstage side of the counter trying to “give” religious symbols in exchange for a donation)

John

(Goes up to lady)

Muslim Jewish Christian Buddhists for Krishna. Would you care to accept a gift of…

JANE

Buzz off, creep.

(She knocks stuff out of his hands)

John

(Waves kindly)

Live long and prosper!

(Goes down to recover lost items. A DICK and JANE come up to counter)

DICK

(Sets bag up on bag check and hands tickets to Constanza)

Just one bag.

Ricky

(Gets bag and it moves. He puts it down)

This bag is moving.

Constanza

(To DICK)

Is there something in this?

DICK

Of course there’s something in it. Why would I have an empty bag?

Constanza

Like an animal?

DICK

No animals.

(He smiles at JANE and she giggles)

RICKY

Then what is it?

(Starts to open it)

DICK

Hey, that’s private property.

RICKY

(Opens bag and a kid pops out)

Ay Chihuahua! It’s a kid!

DICK

I told you to hold still, Sally.

SALLY

Sorry, daddy. I tried.

CONSTANZA

Security!

JANE

Oh, no. We don’t want any trouble. We’ll just buy another ticket.

DICK

I don’t see what the big deal is. She’s under weight.

BERTHA

(The security officer, BERTHA, is a mountain of a woman with a

badge. She appears downstage of the counter)

Problem?

CONSTANZA

Yes, Bertha. These people tried to send their kid through in a bag. Please instruct them in proper AeroPeor regulations.

BERTHA

(Grabs DICK’s arm and pulls him downstage of the counter)

Come with me.

DICK

I’m not going anywhere.

(BERTHA sprays him with mace [small water bottle] and he screams.

She throws him in a baggage cart and wheels him off)

JANE

(Runs after him with kid)

Oh, dear.

CONSTANZA

(Looks at tickets)

I guess he won’t be needing these.

(Holds up tickets and calls out)

Tickets! Got your cheap tickets here. Bidding starts at one dollar.

(People crowd around and one person raises her hand)

I have one dollar… do I hear two dollars? Two dollars, two dollars.

(Person raises her hand)

Two dollars! Do I have ten? Ten, ten, ten dollars. Ten! Going once, going twice. Sold for ten dollars to the guy in the hat.

GUY

(Gives ten dollars)

Thank you, miss.

CONSTANZA

Trust me. You’re getting your money’s worth.

(Give tickets)

CARMELLA

(CARMELLA, another employee opens another window to help more customers. She’s an ample, but extremely sexy woman)

Set right up, folks and fly with me! I’m ready and willing.

(Male customers clamber to get in line at her window)

LORENZO

(Goes up to CONSTANZA. He’s in an AeroPeor uniform)

Hi, I’m Lorenzo.

CONSTANZA

(Smiles)

And I’m Constanza. Welcome to AeroPeor. Ticket please.

LORENZO

I’m your new employee.

RICKY

(Looks at him)

You sure?

LORENZO

I even have the uniform.

CONSTANZA

Oh, yeah. Look, Ricky. That’s what it’s supposed to be like.

RICKY

Come on back, Lorenzo. I’ll show you the ropes.

CARMELLA

(Looks over at LORENZO with more than casual interest)

Well, hello there, dulce. You can be my assistant.

LORENZO

(Innocent)

Uh, sure. I’d be happy to.

RICKY

I want to be an assistant, Carmella. The new guy has to be the bag guy.

LORENZO

Sure, that’s fine.

CARMELLA

Your loss, osito.

GUY

(Waves ticket at CARMELLA)

Can I get some help here?

CARMELLA

Sorry, I ain’t a plastic surgeon.

RICKY

I’ll help you, sir.

CONSTANZA

No, let the new guy, Ricky. Let’s see him at work.

LORENZO

Sure… Uh, can I help you, sir?

CARMELLA

Sir… that’s very good.

GUY

I need another ticket for this flight. My wife decided to come along.

CARMELLA

So much for your “business” trip.

GUY

What’s that supposed to mean?

CARMELLA

Men go on business trips to do their business. Ain’t no fun with the little woman around.

GUY

Are you for real?

CARMELLA

Not all of me, but it sure does look good, doesn’t it?

LORENZO

Sorry, sir. But this flight’s full.

(They all make coughing sounds and whisk him downstage)

What did I do wrong?

RICKY

We are never full, Lorenzo.

LORENZO

What?

CONSTANZA

Rule number one. The plane is never full. We always have seats.

LORENZO

How’s that possible?

RICKY

See, we expect people to miss the flight or cancel, so we overbook so we’re full.

LORENZO

But what if everyone shows?

CONSTANZA

Then they wait for the next plane.

LORENZO

But…

CARMELLA

(Touches her finger to his lips)

Sh… Just remember. We ain’t done til to fat lady screams.

LORENZO

Sings.

CARMELLA

Whatever.

(Goes to GUY)

We just had an opening.

GUY

(Suspicious but pays)

Uh, okay.

(Exits)

LORENZO

Maybe I better be the bag guy.

RICKY

All right!

CARMELLA

You take my spot, Ricky. I need a break.

CONSTANZA

But you just had a break.

CARMELLA

(To LORENZO)

Come with me, mi perito, and I’ll show you the break room.

(She goes and LORENZO starts to follow)

RICKY

(Stops LORENZO)

Watch out for her…

LORENZO

She seems nice.

RICKY

Nice, like a Texas couch dancer on a Sunday.

LORENZO

Uh… What?

CONSTANZA

Ricky is just saying that Carmella isn’t interested in long-term relationships.

RICKY

Is that what I said?

CONSTANZA

Why don’t you hang out her for a little and get to know us first?

RICKY

I’ll show you how to do the bags.

LORENZO

You guys are really nice. I was sure nervous, but you’re all great.

RICKY

That’s our motto at AeroPeor. We’re all great.

CONSTANZA

That’s not our motto. We don’t have one.

RICKY

Well, we need one.

CONSTANZA

Here comes the Boss now. Maybe he has one for us.

BOSS

(Enters with BERTHA)

Hello, everyone. Hi, Constanza.

(Winks at her. Then he speaks to everyone, but hovers around CONSTANZA)

I assume you met my nephew.

CONSTANZA

Nephew?

BOSS

Lorenzo.

(RICKY and CONSTANZA give LORENZO a funny look. BERTHA

remains stoic and at attention. Nothing seems to faze her)

RICKY

Sure, he’s a great guy. We love him already. Right, Constanza.

CONSTANZA

(Big smile)

Right.

BOSS

Good to hear.

LORENZO

They’ve been very friendly and helpful so far.

BOSS

They better be.

(RICKY and CONSTANZA give nervous smiles)

Well, I have news. We have a very important dignitary arriving. The president of Chiru is arriving today on the one-eleven out of Santalivia.

RICKY

President? Don’t you mean dictator?

BOSS

He was elected to office.

CONSTANZA

Because he killed the guy he was running against.

BOSS

Well, it’s a free dictatorship and we’ll treat him with the utmost respect. Bertha hear with coordinate security at the airport and you will answer to her. The FBI will be arriving anytime and will work with her to make this run as smoothly as possible.

CONSTANZA

Did you say FBI?

RICKY

X-Files division.

(They snicker)

BOSS

Let’s be serious people.

LORENZO

So what is our role in all this?

BOSS

He wants to meet all the employees of AeroPeor since he owns a good portion of it.

RICKY

But why is he visiting Albuquerque. This has to be about the smallest AeroPeor office in the world.

BOSS

First of all, he loves the green chile here.

(Everyone nods in understanding)

RICKY

Oh, course.

CONSTANZA

That makes sense.

BOSS

Plus his daughter goes to school here in Albuquerque at the New Mexico University of the Arts. She’s studying to be an actress.

RICKY

Oh, yeah. I’ve seen her in something. They made a big deal out of it because she is a dictator’s daughter. I think she was that show Anna y el Senor. She was a maid or something.

LORENZO

(A bit dreamy)

She was a stable hand named Lola. Then in the show Mi Dulce Grande she was worked in a pastry shop and in Mi Cabeza Pequeno she was a psychiatrist…

CONSTANZA

Are you a fan of hers?

LORENZO

(Blushes)

She has a small following on the internet is all.

BOSS
Anyway, she’ll be arriving here to meet him and I want you to make her feel at home while she waits.

RICKY

Lorenzo can handle that I’m sure.

(Gives him a playful nudge and LORENZO blushes more)

CONSTANZA

We’ll do everything we can to make their stay a pleasant one.

BOSS
I knew I could count on you.

(Winks at CONSTANZA. RICKY rolls his eyes. BOSS guides

CONSTANZA away)

Say, Constanza, if you’re not busy after work.

CONSTANZA

(Smiles sweetly)

Gee, I’m sorry. I think I have to wash my dog.

BOSS

Another time then.

(Turns to others)

Now if someone could just control the weather. It’s turning nasty out there.

RICKY

I heard it might snow.

BOSS

Ay! Don’t say it! Don’t say it.

RICKY

(Aside to LORENZO)

Snow.

BOSS

I best be going. I’ll be back later to meet the dictator… I mean president.

(Exits with BERTHA)

RICKY

This will be interesting.

CONSTANZA

What an opportunity. This is my chance to get that promotion I’ve been wanting. This calls for operation Dazzle the Dictator…

RICKY

The only thing you need to do to get a promotion is sleep with the Boss man.

LORENZO

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.

CONSTANZA
Ditto.

(Gives RICKY a nasty look)

CARMELLA

(Returns pouting at LORENZO)

You didn’t come see me, gatito.

LORENZO

Sorry, we got really busy here.

RICKY

And she wanted to get busy back there too.

(CARMELLA slaps RICKY playfully)

CONSTANZA

You missed our boss, Carmella.

CARMELLA

El jefe! Did you say where I was?

RICKY

Sure, we said you were giving the customers special rates in the back room.

CARMELLA

(Snuggles up to LORENZO)

Tell me he’s lying, puercito.

LORENZO

Yes, he’s just teasing you.

RICKY

So you’re the boss’s nephew. That’s how you got the job.

LORENZO

I assure I’ll do the best job possible.

CARMELLA

You’ll do, pescadito.

(Pinches him on the rear)

LORENZO

I don’t want any special favors.

CARMELLA

Maybe a few special favors…

LORENZO

I’ll start out at bag boy and work my way up.

CARMELLA

We’ll put you through all the motions.

CONSTANZA

Give it a rest, Carmella.

RICKY

That explains why he is the only one with the whole uniform.

CONSTANZA

I’ve never seen the whole uniform set before. Check out those shiny shoes.

LORENZO

How come you don’t have the full uniform?

CARMELLA

Budget cuts. We don’t mind though. Things get so hot back here.

(She unbuttons her shirt top once)

RICKY

Please, Carmella. Not in front of the kid.

(She smiles wickedly at LORENZO and then goes to her computer. She commences doing one finger typing, careful not to break a nail. She switches to the mouse)

CONSTANZA

I think it’s starting to snow out there.

RICKY

It never snows here.

LORENZO

Actually it does sometimes…

RICKY

Hardly enough to notice.

CONSTANZA

You’ll notice this. It’s really coming down.

CARMELLA

(Hits computer)

This alert keeps popping up and ruining a perfectly good game of solitaire.

CONSTANZA

What alert?

CARMELLA

(Reads)

Winter storm warning in affect.

CONSTANZA

Oh, great. Ricky, check and see when flight one-eleven arrives.

RICKY

(Goes to other computer)

It’s already here!

CONSTANZA

(Gets on loud speaker)

Flight one-eleven is arriving at gate A13.

BERTHA

(Rushes over)

It’s here?

CONSTANZA

It’s very early.

BERTHA

But the FBI. The other security. We’re not ready.

CONSTANZA

I’ll go with you to greet them. Carmella, you come too. Ricky and Lorenzo, you greet his daughter here and wait for us.

LORENZO

(Nervous)

Me?

RICKY

Que bueno! You get to greeeet her.

LORENZO

Me?

CONSTANZA

Let’s go.

RICKY

Look at that snow. I wonder if she’ll get here okay.

LORENZO

And how did the plane get here so fast.

RICKY

(Checks computer)

Says here they didn’t stop in Mexico City and Panama as planned. I guess his dictatorship wanted a direct flight.

LORENZO

Imagine being that powerful. Wouldn’t that be something?

RICKY

Go ahead and dream, kid. And maybe one day too, you could be a dictator of your own little Latin America country.

LORENZO

(Gasps and points off stage)

Ay dios! It’s her.

RICKY

You sure?

LORENZO

Sure, I’m sure. I have her picture.

(Pulls out wallet and a huge thing of photos comes out)

RICKY

One or two pictures I see.

LORENZO

(Hides wallet)

Here she comes.

MARIA

(Walks up to them)

Here’s AeroPeor. I had a terrible time finding you.

RICKY

But now you’ve found us. Let me guess, you must be Maria Pinomori.

MARIA
Right, how did you know?

RICKY

From TV.

MARIA
You’ve seen me.

RICKY

Oh, once or twice. On Anna y El Grupo, El Cabeza Grande, El Dulce Pequeno…

MARIA

(Laughs)

I see.

RICKY

Forgive me. I should introduce myself. I am Ricky Ramone and this here is…

(Pushes him up to MARIA)

Why don’t I let him introduce himself?

(Pause. LORENZO only manages a squeak)

He’s new.

MARIA
(Ignores LORENZO and goes up to RICKY)

So you’re the welcome wagon.

RICKY

The others went to greet your father. His plane is very early.

MARIA

I hoped this snowstorm would keep him away completely.

(LORENZO is still standing stunned)

RICKY

Oh, really? Problemas?

MARIA

I don’t need to be spreading around my dirty laundry.

RICKY

I’m sure your laundry is never too dirty.

MARIA

(Laughs)

Do I have time to freshen up before he gets down here?

RICKY

Of course. The restroom is right over there.

MARIA

(Gives RICKY a pleased smile)

Thank you, Ricky.

LORENZO

(Still frozen)

I… I’m… L… L…

RICKY

She’s gone, idiota.

LORENZO

(Turns and looks around for her)

How’d I do?

RICKY

How’d you do? How’d you do?!

(LORENZO nods innocently. RICKY sighs)

Just fine, hombre.

(LORENZO smiles weakly)

LORENZO

She is so beautiful.

RICKY

(Lying)

I didn’t notice.

LORENZO

I can’t believe she’s really here. This is the best job ever.

(AGENTS SULLY and MULDEW enter in dark suits and sunglasses)

SULLY

(Flashes ID)

I’m Agent Sully. This is Agent Muldew.

RICKY

FBI?

MULDEW

We’re here undercover.

RICKY

I hate to tell you, but your disguises ain’t so good.

SULLY

We plan to dress at employees of AeroPeor. We need uniforms.

RICKY

Lorenzo here can help you with the uniform. Where’d you get yours, kid?

LORENZO

I have my uncle’s key to the uniform closet. Follow me.

(SULLY and MULDEW follow LORENZO)

MARIA

(Returns)

You miss me?

RICKY

(Big smile)

Of course.

MARIA

Who were those two?

RICKY

Uh… new employees?

MARIA
Look more like FBI to me?

RICKY

What? Oh, no…

MARIA
Look, Ricky. I’ve been all over the world with my papa. I’ve seen spies, secret agents, CIA, FBI… I can spot them a mile away.

RICKY

I’m impressed.

MARIA
So where’s the big dictator?

RICKY

They should be down any minute. Maybe the snow is giving them trouble.

BOSS

(Rushes in covered with snow)

This is terrible. The roads are closed. There’s a big wreck on the Big I… They can’t clear it with the snow this bad… We’re trapped!

RICKY

Trapped? Here?

BOSS

The police say they won’t open the roads under the snow stops. My day to shine has a big cloud over it.

(Sobs uncontrollably)

RICKY

Uh, jefe. This is Maria Pinomori.

BOSS

(Eyes pop out)

Oh, my gosh. I’m so sorry.

MARIA
That’s okay. I thought it was cute.

BOSS

(Surprised)

Oh?

(Blushes)

Oh, hee hee.

MARIA
Don’t worry. Papa hasn’t executed anyone for this level of incompetence in at least a month.

BOSS

(Jaw drops)

Oh…

(RICKY and MARIA look at each other and grin)

MARIA

Here he comes.

(BOSS lets out a yelp as PINOMORI is lead in by two guards, PABLO and PANCHO, followed by BERTHA and CONSTANZA. CARMELLA is on his arms talking away happily at him. PINOMORI likes the attention)

I see he wasted no time finding a floozy.

RICKY

(Aside to MARIA)

Carmella is the floozy’s floozy.

(LORENZO is followed in by SULLY and MULDEW in AeroPeor uniforms but still in sunglasses. The first guard PABLO blows a whistle)

PABLO

Silencio! El Presidente speaks.

PINOMORI

I wish to thank you for…

(Focuses on CARMELLA)

… this most kind welcome.

(CARMELLA does kissy lips at him. He smiles then looks to others)

I must say I am tired and wish to go to the hotel.

BOSS
Uh, sir.

PINOMORI

I will take the tour and meet your people later. For now, I must rest.

MARIA

(Goes up to PINOMORI)

Welcome, papa.

PINOMORI

Is that my Maria? You look so much like your mother Lupe.

(PABLO and PANCHO fall to their knees and sing to the tune of “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” from Evita)

PABLO and PANCHO

“All praise Santa Lupita. She was like a goddess, so tight was her bodice, but she was modest… Santa Lupita, oh how we miss her…”

(They break down crying. PINOMORI is touched. CARMELLA comforts him)

MARIA
They always do that when mama’s name is mentioned. She passed away a few years back. The people of Chiru miss her a great deal.

PINOMORI

She is a saint gone to heaven.

CARMELLA

She must have been very special.

PINOMORI

She was so beautiful… just like mi Maria.

MARIA

Oh, papa. No one was as beautiful as her.

PINOMORI

Maria. Ride with me to the hotel and we will talk.

MARIA

I’m afraid we’re stuck here.

PINOMORI

What?

MARIA

It’s a snowstorm…

BOSS
The roads are closed…

PINOMORI

What?!

BOSS
The roads…

PINOMORI

I heard you!

MARIA
We’ll just have to make due here until the snow melts.

PINOMORI

I want that snow gone now. I will not stay here.

BOSS

I’ll go see to it.

(Runs off)

CONSTANZA

(Takes charge)

We’ll do what we can to make you comfortable while you wait.

CARMELLA

(Snuggles up to him)

Very comfortable.

PINOMORI

(Laughs and winks at CARMELLA)

Oh, yes. I suppose we could stay here a little while.

(PINOMORI exits with CARMELLA, PANCHO and PABLO)

CONSTANZA

I thought I’d never say this, but thank goodness for Carmella.

BERTHA

(Grabs SULLY and MULDEW)

Who are you?

(SULLY and MULDEW struggle and make little ineffective karate chops

at BERTHA. She shakes them fiercely into submission)

RICKY

They’re FBI.

CONSTANZA

FBI? So you’re here to protect Presidente Pinomori?

SULLY

You could say that.

MULDEW

But he must not know who we are.

CONSTANZA
Now, wait a minute. You’re here to protect him, but he can’t know it. Won’t he get a little suspicious when you two follow him around?

SULLY

We’re very good at our jobs.

MULDEW

We’ll be invisible.

RICKY

Not with breath like that.

SULLY

I told you not to eat Italian food for lunch.

MULDEW

It’s not against regulation you know.

(They go off arguing)

CONSTANZA

I have a funny feeling about those two.

BERTHA

I’ll keep an eye on them.

(Exits after them)

MARIA

Actually I have a feeling they’re up to no good.

RICKY

How do you know?

MARIA

My papa is a wanted man. They claim is a horrible killer who destroys anyone who gets in his way.

CONSTANZA

So he’s not?

MARIA

Oh, yes he is actually, but no one has ever proved it.

RICKY

Then it’s our civic duty to help the FBI.

MARIA

But they have no proof.

RICKY

But you could testify. You know.

MARIA
Oh, no. I ain’t nothin’ but an innocent little country girl. Papa kept me very sheltered.

RICKY

Is that true?

MARIA

No, but that’s what I’ll say. I guess I should go see what papa’s up to.

RICKY

I’ll give you one guess.

CONSTANZA

I’ll go with you.

(MARIA and CONSTANZA start to exit)

MARIA

(Pauses at LORENZO who has spent the entire time watching MARIA in ecstasy)

Does he speak?

(Smiles at LORENZO then exits)

CONSTANZA

(To RICKY)

What’s with Lorenzo?

RICKY

The boy’s in love.

CONSTANZA

Well, tell him to stop drooling. I just had the floor cleaned.

(Exits after MARIA)

LORENZO

(Dreamily watches MARIA go)

Isn’t she something?

RICKY

She’s horrible is what she is.

LORENZO

(Snaps out of it)

What?

RICKY

She’s knows her father is some kind of horrible killer and she won’t do anything about it.

LORENZO

(Confused)

Killer?

RICKY

Weren’t you listening to anything we said?

LORENZO

Not really.

(BOSS comes back in covered with snow again)

BOSS

We have to find some shovels.

RICKY

What for?

BOSS

We’re going to dig a trail to the hotel.

RICKY

But the hotel is like two miles away!

BOSS

So we better get started.

RICKY

No, way, jefe. Sorry. You can fire me.

BOSS

Lorenzo?

LORENZO

Coming.

(BOSS and LORENZO exit. RICKY shakes his head in disbelief. SULLY and MULDEW reenter)

RICKY

(Points at AGENTS)

I see you!

SULLY

What?

RICKY

You said you could be invisible. I see you.

MULDEW

We were speaking figuratively.

RICKY

But you’re FBI. I thought you could do anything.

SULLY

We can. We just chose not to.

(AGENTS start to go)

RICKY

Hey, wait. I need to talk to you about something.

(AGENTS both whip out tape recorders)

MULDEW

You have some information for us?

RICKY

Do you have to tape this?

SULLY

It’s our job, mister.

MULDEW

Spill it.

RICKY

Well, I don’t know…

SULLY

You don’t want us to get rough with you…

MULDEW

We will get rough with you if we have to…

RICKY

What is this: bad cop, bad cop?

SULLY

We do what’s necessary to get the job done.

(MULDEW gets a mouse off a computer and walks up behind RICKY as if to strangle him)

RICKY

Never mind. It’s nothing.

MULDEW

We have ways of making you talk.

(MULDEW is about to wrap the mouse around RICKY throat when MARIA appears. MULDEW hides the mouse in a pocket)

MARIA

There you are, Ricky.

RICKY

(Nervous)

Oh, hi, Maria. Just hanging out with my coworkers here.

SULLY

Yes, just hanging out.

MULDEW

(Emphasizing the word)

Hanging.

RICKY

Guess we better get back to work.

(AGENTS nods and go to computer terminals)

MARIA

(Grabs RICKY)

Come talk with me. I’m bored.

RICKY

Why don’t you go talk with Lorenzo? He’s certainly got a thing for you.

MARIA

What about you?

RICKY

What?

MARIA

Don’t you have a little thing for me?

RICKY

You’re good looking and all, but you certainly don’t have a heart of gold.

MARIA

So I’m not a saint like my mama. So what? I got her looks and papa’s cunning.

RICKY

Have you done anything as horrible as your father?

MARIA

I’ve stabbed plenty of people in the back but never with a knife. I’m an actress. Cunning comes in handy.

RICKY

But your father really kills people. That’s wrong.

MARIA

It’s so cute to find a guy with a conscience.

RICKY

(Frustrated)

I’m not trying to be cute. I’m trying to help you…

(AGENTS are listening closely. RICKY looks at them and they turn back to their terminals)

Maybe we should talk someplace else.

MARIA

Somewhere private?

RICKY

(Sighs)

Sure.

(They exit. AGENTS look at each other, nod. Then follow)

CONSTANZA

(Leads PINOMORI, CARMELLA, GUARDS, BERTHA on a tour)

And here we have our check in area…

CARMELLA

(Takes PINOMORI over to a computer terminal)

This is where I work.

(She gets in a sexy pose)

PINOMORI

(Eyes CARMELLA)

Very nice.

CONSTANZA

And that wraps up our tour. Any questions?

PINOMORI

(Looking at CARMELLA)

Just one question? Are you free for dinner tonight?

CARMELLA

Yes, and dessert…

(PINOMORI laughs coyly)

CONSTANZA

I suppose we better get back to work, Carmella.

CARMELLA
What for? We’re snowed in. No planes are going in or out.

PINOMORI

Besides, I think Carmella has worked very hard today. She needs the rest of the day off.

CARMELLA
Oh, you say the sweetest things, el presidente.

PINOMORI

Why so formal? You may call me by my nickname: el pino.

(CARMELLA giggles and CONSTANZA rolls her eyes. BOSS and

LORENZO stumble in covered in snow and shivering)

CONSTANZA

Are you two okay?

BOSS

C…c… ccccold.

CONSTANZA

I’ll get you something hot to drink.

(Rushes off)

PINOMORI

The snow is bad?

LORENZO

S… s… ssssooo bbbbad.

PINOMORI

Are we stuck here?

BOSS

I… I’m affffraid ssso.

PINOMORI

This is utterly ridiculous. It’s not supposed to do this here. How long until it melts?

LORENZO

T… t… tomorrow mmmaybe.

PINOMORI

Tomorrow? This is an outrage. I’m not sleeping in an airport.

CONSTANZA

(Returns with cups)

Here’s some coffee for you two.

(BOSS and LORENZO drink)

CARMELLA

Don’t worry, el pino. We’ll take good care of you.

PINOMORI

(Smiles at her)

Well, maybe it won’t be all bad.

CONSTANZA

(To BOSS)

Now if we can keep him occupied with Carmella long enough, we’ll survive this.

BOSS

I’m not giving up yet. Let’s go call the car rentals in town. We’ll find the biggest SUV they have and drive him out.

CONSTANZA

Good idea. Let’s go.

(BOSS and CONSTANZA exit)

LORENZO

I need more coffee. I still can’t feel my fingers.

(Follows BOSS and CONSTANZA)

CARMELLA

We’re almost alone.

PINOMORI

(Waves at GUARDS)

Why don’t you check the perimeter? Carmella can watch over me for a minute or two.

BERTHA

My orders are to never leave your side.

CARMELLA

Bertha, please. Where is he going? We’re snowed in. No bad guys can get in and we can’t get out.

PABLO

And you told me you’d show me your security center. I am anxious to see your equipment.

BERTHA

(Looks at PABLO with interest)

Okay, but only for a minute.

PABLO

Yes, we will be muy rapido.

(BERTHA leads off PABLO and PANCHO)

CARMELLA

I think Bertha has a thing for Pablo.

PINOMORI

And I have a thing for you.

(Kisses her hand)

CARMELLA

I have a secret.

PINOMORI

Oh, yes? I like secrets.

CARMELLA

I know a way out of here.

PINOMORI

You do?

CARMELLA

There’s an emergency tunnel that connects us to an old bomb shelter. That bomb shelter connects us to several hotels. We could go get a room…

PINOMORI

Que bueno! Let’s go.

CARMELLA

Follow me.

(PINOMORI and CARMELLA exit. JOHN appears carrying strange

religious symbols)

RICKY

(Returns with MARIA)

Nobody’s here either.

JOHN

Am I nobody?

RICKY

In a manner of speaking…

JOHN

(Holds out symbol)

Would you care for a symbol of our faith?

MARIA

(Looks at it)

What is it?

JOHN

It’s a crostaroon.

RICKY

A what?

JOHN

A cross-star-moon. A symbol of unity.

MARIA

Sure, why not. They’re kind of cute.

(Accepts one)

JOHN

That will be ten dollars.

RICKY

Ten dollars?

JOHN

Ten dollars for eternal love and prosperity.

RICKY

Forget it.

JOHN

Nope, she’s touched it. I can’t take it back.

RICKY

Security!

BERTHA

(Appears followed by PABLO and PANCHO)

Yeah!

JOHN

Another convert?

BERTHA

Yeah, convert this.

(Grabs his ear and drags him away)

JOHN

Peace! Peace!

PABLO

(To PANCHO as he follows excitedly)

Isn’t she something?

RICKY

So where’s the dictator?

MARIA

Who cares?

RICKY

Off with Carmella again, no doubt. Usually the guards don’t wonder that far away from him, do they?

MARIA

Actually, I hate to admit it, but that is strange. Does this mean I have to be concerned?

RICKY

Maybe if your father wasn’t one of the most ruthless men in Latin America…

MARIA

Pablo!

PABLO

(Returns with PANCHO)

Yes, Maria?

MARIA

Where is my father?

PABLO

(Looks at PANCHO who shrugs)

You don’t know?

(Smacks PANCHO)

You don’t know?!

MARIA

You lost him?

PABLO

(Smacks PANCHO)

You lost him?

CONSTANZA

(Returns with BOSS and LORENZO)

What’s going on?

RICKY

They lost track of Pinomori.

BOSS

You what?!

(Calls)

Bertha!

BERTHA

(Rushes in)

Yes, Boss?

BOSS

Where is Pinomori?

BERTHA

He’s… he was…

(To PABLO)

Where is he?

PABLO

(Smacks PANCHO)

We lost him!

BOSS

(Screams at BERTHA)

How could you lose him?!

PABLO

(Steps in)

I don’t think you should yell at the lady.

BOSS

I yell at whomever I want to! If I want to yell at Bertha, I’ll yell at her. If I want to call her bad names, I’ll call her bad names! If I want to kick her, I’ll kick her.

(PABLO grabs his arms and twists it behind his back. LORENZO moves

to stop PABLO but PANCHO stops him)

PABLO

Say you’re sorry to the lady.

(BOSS is in pain. PABLO twists his arm)

Say it.

BOSS

Sorry.

(PABLO let’s go)

PABLO

(Holds out his arm and BERTHA takes it)

Let’s go find El Presidente.

(They exit followed by PANCHO)

CONSTANZA

(To BOSS)

You okay?

BOSS

(Holds his arm)

Do I look okay?

MARIA

I guess we should go help look for him.

RICKY

He can’t have gone far in this snowstorm. Besides, he’s probably with Carmella in some supply closet.

CARMELLA

(Enters)

Hi, everyone.

CONSTANZA

Where’s Pinomori?

CARMELLA

Beats me.

MARIA

I thought you were with him.

CARMELLA

He was and now he’s not. What’s the big deal?

BOSS

He’s gone. That’s the big deal.

CARMELLA

Gone?! Where?

BOSS

We don’t know. That’s what we’re trying to figure out.

CONSTANZA

When did you see him last?

CARMELLA

He went to the little dictator’s room and I haven’t seen him since.

MARIA

Little dictator’s room?

RICKY

Bathroom.

MARIA

What?

RICKY

It’s a joke.

MARIA

I don’t get it.

CARMELLA

Certainly not often enough.

MARIA

Now look here…

CONSTANZA

Please, you two. We have a problem here. We need to figure out what’s happened to Pinomori.

RICKY

Maybe he’s stuck on the throne. If he forgot to put down the seat he might really be wedged in there. Come on, Lorenzo. Let’s check it out.

(LORENZO follows RICKY to bathroom)

BOSS

First the snowstorm. Now this. I’m doomed for sure.

SULLY

(Enters with MULDEW)

There a problem here?

BOSS

Where have you two been? We have a crisis here.

MULDEW

We were casing the place for suspicious activity.

MARIA

In the Sticky Bun shop?

SULLY

Their cinnamon rolls needed investigating.

MULDEW

They checked out.

MARIA

Thank you for keeping us safe.

BOSS

Safe? Who are you guys?

CONSTANZA

These two are…

(SULLY and MULDEW clear their throats warningly)

SULLY

New employees.

MULDEW

Constanza just hired us.

BOSS

I didn’t approve this…

SULLY

She thought you might need extra help.

MULDEW

She’s very thoughtful that way.

BOSS

(Winks at CONSTANZA)

Yes, she is, isn’t she? I guess it’s okay for now. We certainly can use the help looking for Pinomori. I wish the FBI were here though. They’d find him in a second, but they’re stuck in that horrid snowstorm.

(Rubs arm)

I need some aspirin.

(Exits)

MARIA

Is he like the only one who can’t tell these two are FBI?

CONSTANZA

I hate to deceive him like this. Why can’t he know?

SULLY

Security is very important in these matters.

MARIA

Security? What security? My father has disappeared. You call that security?

MULDEW

Pinomori is missing.

MARIA

Give the detective a prize. Yes, he’s missing.

SULLY

This is a terrible breech in security.

MULDEW

We must investigate.

CARMELLA

Come with me. I think I might be able to help you track him down. I last saw him over this way.

(SULLY and MULDEW follow CARMELLA out)

MARIA

This FBI. You feel safe with them?

CONSTANZA

Up to today, yes. From now on, no.

RICKY

(Reenters with LORENZO)

No constipated dictators in the bathroom.

MARIA
This is bad. Now I’m getting worried. I mean I never thought much of El Presidente, but now that he’s missing…

(Starts to get teary eyed)

LORENZO

(Finds his voice)

Please… please don’t cry.

(Goes to her)

We’ll find your father, I promise.

MARIA

Oh, thank you, Lorenzo.

(Gives RICKY an acid look)

At least someone cares.

LORENZO

(Takes her hands. Looks deeply into her eyes)

I do care, very much.

MARIA

Thank you, Lorenzo. You are so kind as to give comfort in my time of loss.

LORENZO

Come, I’ll make you some nice warm milk. That will calm you.

MARIA

And maybe some cocoa?

LORENZO

And some cocoa… Anything… I’ll go get it for you.

(Rushes off)

MARIA

(Aside to RICKY)

I was only pretending to cry. I’m very good, aren’t I?

(Smiles)

Lorenzo. He’s kind of cute, isn’t he?

RICKY

(Getting a little jealous)

I hadn’t noticed.

MARIA

Maybe he won’t judge me for who I am like some other men I know.

(She follows LORENZO out)

Coming Lorenzo!

RICKY

Or at least he won’t mind who you’ll pretend to be.

CONSTANZA

Why do I feel like I just watched a soap opera?

RICKY

I don’t want to talk about it.

CONSTANZA

Now I know it’s a soap opera.

RICKY

Can we change the subject please?

CONSTANZA

So what do you think happened to Pinomori?

RICKY

The man is a murderer. I have a hard time caring.

CONSTANZA

Don’t get all ethical on me please. We have a job to do here.

RICKY

You know what? I’m sick and tired of all this. I quit.

CONSTANZA

You can’t quit.

RICKY

Last time I checked this was a free country. I can quit if I want to.

CONSTANZA

Fine, go ahead and quit. We have Lorenzo now. Who needs you?

RICKY

Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo. Well, some day he’ll be over 30 like me and he won’t be so cute anymore! I’m out of here.

(He takes off)

CONSTANZA

(Starts after him)

Wait! The snow! What are you doing?

(Stops. Sighs)

Lorenzo? Could you make me some cocoa too?

(Exits as lights fade to black)

ACT II

LORENZO

I hate to say it but the snow is rather beautiful.

MARIA
(To CONSTANZA)

How can he think about the pretty snow in a time like this?

CONSTANZA

The boy is as pure as the snow. He’s got a good heart.

MARIA

I could never be that way.

CONSTANZA

It’s tough. Always seeing the good in everything. Taking a bad thing like a snow storm and finding something positive about it…

CARMELLA

(To MARIA)

He likes you, doesn’t he?

MARIA

Now, look here…

CONSTANZA

Ladies, please. We have a crisis here. Let’s not go at each other.

CARMELLA

(Ignoring CONSTANZA)

I’ll be even Lorenzo couldn’t stand you after awhile. Even he would see through you like a bad pair of fishnet stockings.

MARIA

(Eyes narrowing at CARMELLA)

Want to bet?

CARMELLA

Sure.

(They shake)

This should be interesting.

MARIA

Watch and learn.

(Gets all teary eyed. Wanders near LORENZO)

Oh, what will I do? I’ve lost my father… I’m all alone here…

LORENZO

Maria? Are you feeling bad still? Can I get you some more cocoa?

MARIA

My pain is more than any cocoa could cure.

LORENZO

You really miss your father don’t you?

MARIA

You don’t realize what you have until it’s gone.

LORENZO

I wish I knew where he was. I would be the first to help him if I could.

MARIA

What if we never find, papa?

PABLO

Chiruvian law states we must elect a new president immediately.

(PANCHO nods supportively)

Since you are the person here who is eligible…

MARIA

Now, wait a minute. I don’t want…

PABLO

All in favor?

(PANCHO and PABLO raise their hands. LORENZO does too)

You can’t vote. Only specially selected Chiruvians.

CONSTANZA

Specially selected? You mean everyone can’t vote in Chiru?

PABLO

No, only the ones El Presidente certifies. No communists, socialists, Marxists, environmentalists, anarchists, pacifists, or capitalists are allowed to vote.

CONSTANZA

That doesn’t leave very many people.

PABLO

It makes the elections very easy. All in favor of electing Senorita Maria as President.

(PABLO and PANCHO raise their hands)

All opposed.

(MARIA raises both her hands)

Two to one. Maria is our next president.

MARIA

Wait, I raised both my hands. That’s two to two. It’s a tie.

PABLO

Then we must have a run off election.

CONSTANZA

This is unreal.

PABLO

(Whispers to PANCHO who nods)

All in favor of electing Senorita Maria.

(They both raise both their hands. MARIA throws her hands up in defeat)

Four to two. Maria is the new Presidente.

(PABLO and PANCHO cheer)

LORENZO

You’re not happy?

MARIA

I don’t want to be president.

LORENZO

It’s only for a short time until they find your father.

MARIA
That’s true, Lorenzo. You’re so smart. I could use a smart man like you at my side.

(She moves closer and smiles coyly as she takes his hand)

LORENZO

Wha… what do you mean?

MARIA

(She kisses his hand)

How would you like to come to Chiru with me?

LORENZO

Me? In Chiru?

MARIA

I’ll make you the CEO of AeroPeor. You can become very rich.

LORENZO

My uncle wouldn’t like that.

MARIA

Lorenzo, you could help your uncle by being in charge. You can make his Albuquerque operations grow a hundred times, making his rich too.

LORENZO

I could?

MARIA

That would make him happy, no?

LORENZO

Yes, it would.

MARIA

Then, come with me. I will make you very happy too.

(She closes her eyes and leans in to kiss him. He is frozen like a deer in a headlight)

LORENZO

You want some more cocoa?

MARIA

(She opens her eyes and smiles)

Okay.

(As they exit, MARIA flashes a smiles at CARMELLA. PABLO and PANCHO follow)

CONSTANZA

Quite a show she puts on.

CARMELLA

Give it time. He’ll see through it.

CONSTANZA

I don’t know… power, riches, a beautiful woman… what more could a guy want?

CARMELLA

A genuine, long lasting relationship?

CONSTANZA

Yeah, right.

(They laugh together)

CARMELLA

It’ll get to him soon. She’s got him running around like a servant boy.

CONSTANZA

You’ve got a point there.

BOSS

(Enters)

There you are, Constanza. Any leads?

CONSTANZA

I sent Bertha to check the security tapes. We should find out what’s going on that way. Those cameras pick up everything.

CARMELLA

That reminds me. I need a little pick me up. I heading up to the lounge.

BOSS

You’re on duty, Carmella.

CARMELLA

(Looks at watch)

Nope. My shift ended an hour ago. See ya!

(She exits)

BOSS

She has no sense of loyalty.

CONSTANZA

I’ve been working overtime too. Maybe I should join her.

BOSS

Not you to. Please don’t leave me. I can’t make it through this without you.

CONSTANZA

(Reluctantly)

Okay…

BOSS

(Takes her hands)

Constanza, did I even tell you how beautiful I think you are?

CONSTANZA

(Sniffs, then pulls her hands away angrily)

You’ve been drinking! And you just got mad at Carmella… You’re supposed to be an example here.

BOSS

I’m sorry, Constanza. I’ve been very naughty. Maybe you could spank me.

CONSTANZA

(Waves)

Oh, look. Here comes Lorenzo and Maria. Maria was just made the new President of Chiru.

BOSS

She was?

CONSTANZA

That means she’s your new boss.

BOSS

(Tries to compose himself)

Oh, dear.

MARIA

(Enters, followed closely by PANCHO and PABLO)

Will you two leave me alone?

PABLO

We are El Presidente’s body guards. We must go with you everywhere.

LORENZO

(Rushes in)

I have your cocoa now.

MARIA

(Waves him away)

I don’t want it. Get me some coffee.

LORENZO

Okay…

(Rushes off)

BOSS

(To MARIA)

I heard the good news. So you’re the new President?

MARIA

And you’ve been drinking. What did you do, take a bath in it?

BOSS

You see, I was taking to someone in the airport lounge and some guy spilled his drink on me…

MARIA

More likely you were hitting on some lady and she threw her drink on you…

BOSS

She was just… I mean she…

MARIA

You’re fired.

BOSS

What?

MARIA

You’re fired. Constanza, you’re the new boss of AeroPeor Albuquerque. Congratulations.

CONSTANZA

(Trying not to look too please)

Thank you, Presidente.

MARIA
Please, just call me Maria.

BOSS

Uh, Maria…

MARIA

Not you! You can call me “The great Presidente Maria Pinomori.”

BOSS
Oh… I think I’m going to be sick.

LORENZO

(Rushes in with coffee)

Here’s your coffee, Maria. I ground the beans myself.

MARIA

(Takes a sip)

Hmmm. Not bad.

(Tosses rest in trash)

LORENZO

(Sees BOSS is unhappy)

What’s the matter, Uncle?

BOSS

I was just fired.

LORENZO

Fired?

BOSS

It’s my fault, my boy. I was drinking on the job. I just couldn’t take the pressure anymore.

LORENZO

Maria? He’s sorry. Can’t you give him another chance?

MARIA
(Smiles sweetly and goes up to LORENZO)

I want some chocolate now. Could you get me some candy?

LORENZO

(Melts)

Okay…

(Starts to go, but BERTHA arrives)

BERTHA

Here are the printouts of the security tapes, Constanza. We have our kidnapper.

(Hands the printouts to CONSTANZA)

CONSTANZA

Ay, Chihuahua!

LORENZO

What? Who is it?

CONSTANZA

(Hands over printouts)

You won’t believe it.

LORENZO

Ay, Chihuahua!

BOSS

(Grabs the printouts)

Give that here.

(Slaps forehead)

It’s Carmella!

MARIA

I knew she was suspicious.

CONSTANZA

I thought for sure it was those two FBI agents.

BOSS

FBI? They’re here.

CONSTANZA

Our new employees.

BOSS

Of course. What great disguises.

MARIA

(Sarcastic)

They sure fooled me.

BERTHA

I found them on the tapes, also. Carmella has them locked up in the Sticky Buns storeroom.

BOSS

I’ll go get them.

(BOSS exits)

CONSTANZA

What about Pinomori? Did you find out where she stashed him?

BERTHA

She must have tampered with the cameras in the basement. She went down there with him and disappeared.

LORENZO

I’ll go check it out.

MARIA

My brave, Lorenzo.

(She blows a kiss and him. He smiles in ecstasy then rushes off)

I guess he should be careful. Carmella is probably ready for him.

CARMELLA

(Enters with gun at LORENZO’s head)

How right you are, mi amiga.

CONSTANZA

Carmella? What’s going on here?

CARMELLA

I am working for the People’s Freedom Revolution Liberation Party of Chiru. We can no longer stand to have this dictator strip our people of their liberties. We can no longer stand to have him lord over us. We can…

MARIA

We get the idea.

CARMELLA

You’re just as bad as he is.

MARIA

Why, thank you. I’ll take that as a compliment.

CARMELLA

We have plans for you as well.

MARIA

(Sarcastically)

Oh, I’m so scared.

CARMELLA

The PFRLP will not stop until Chiru is free of all tyranny.

MARIA

That’s all terribly touching. I’m inspired, aren’t all of you?

CARMELLA

Careful, senorita or your boyfriend here will get it.

MARIA

That’s okay. There’s more pescados in the sea, as they say.

LORENZO

What? Maria?

CARMELLA

Pobrecito, Lorenzo. Maria doesn’t like you anymore. That’s okay. You can be my little prisoner. I’ll probably treat you better than that diabla anyway.

MARIA

Watch it or I’ll…

CARMELLA

(Points gun at MARIA)

Or you’ll what…

MARIA

Be very annoyed…

(Backs off)

CONSTANZA

So what do you plan to do now?

CARMELLA

(Makes LORENZO sit downstage. BERTHA hovers nearby)

I shall simply await my orders.

CONSTANZA

So you’re not here alone?

CARMELLA

Maybe, maybe not.

(BERTHA moves closer. CARMELLA waves her gun at BERTHA)

Try it, Bertha. I’m ready for you.

CONSTANZA

Just give yourself up, Carmella. We’ve got you.

CARMELLA

As long as I have Pinomori tucked away, I’m not too worried. My sacrifice is a small one.

MARIA

(Pulls CONSTANZA aside)

We’ve got to distract her so Bertha can jump her.

CONSTANZA

(Winks at BERTHA who gets ready to make her move)

I’ve got an idea.

(Picks up magazine from check-in desk)

Look, Carmella! The new Victoria’s Secret catalog!

CARMELLA

(Turns excitedly)

Really?

BERTHA

(Jumps at gun)

Got it!

PABLO

Get her, Pancho!

(PANCHO grabs CARMELLA from behind)

CARMELLA

(Stomps on PANCHO’s foot with her spike heel)

Take that!

(PANCHO crumbles in pain)

PABLO

(Lunges at her)

I got her.

CARMELLA

Do you?

(She steps aside and he crashes to the ground)

BERTHA

(Points CARMELLA’s gun at her)

Hold it!

CARMELLA

Ha! It’s not loaded.

(CARMELLA rushes off as fast as possible in her heels)

MARIA

After her!

(PABLO and PANCHO rush after CARMELLA)

CONSTANZA

She’s not getting far in those heels.

BERTHA

Watch it, Pablo!

(A big smack is heard off stage and they all cringe. BERTHA rushes to their aid)

CONSTANZA

Careful, Bertha!

BERTHA

Got her!

(Drags in CARMELLA by the hair. PABLO and PANCHO limp in after them very hurt. BERTHA forces CARMELLA into a chair)

BOSS

That must have been torture smelling those Sticky Buns but not being able to eat them.

SULLY

(Comes in with BOSS and MULDEW)

It was, sir. It was.

BOSS

I found them!

MULDEW

Just in time. We were about to eat the raw dough in the storeroom.

SULLY

At least we now have a suspect.

MULDEW

(Goes to CARMELLA and points dramatically)

She is your kidnapper!

CONSTANZA

Amazing, aren’t they?

MARIA

I feel safer and safer in this country every time I see them at work.

SULLY

Just doing our jobs, ma’am.

MULDEW

All in the line of duty.

CONSTANZA

Now if we can get her to tell us where Pinomori is being held.

SULLY

We have ways of making her talk.

MULDEW

(Pulls out small club)

Ways of making you talk.

(Smacks own hand and tries not to show the pain it caused)

MARIA

And I thought my country had the corner on torture.

CONSTANZA

(Steps in and shoos AGENTS aside)

Let me handle this.

(Takes candy bar from pocket)

Look what I got Carmella.

CARMELLA

What?

CONSTANZA

It’s a chocolate covered chile bar.

CARMELLA

Oooh, my favorite.

CONSTANZA

I’ll give it to you…

(Holds out candy bar then snatches it away when she reaches for it)

… if you tell us where Pinomori is.

CARMELLA

(To self)

Be strong, be strong. You don’t need that chocolate…

CONSTANZA

Suit yourself. I’ll just have to eat it all by my lonesome.

(Starts to unwrap it)

CARMELLA

Look away, Carmella. Don’t look.

(Tries to ignore CONSTANZA but can’t. CONSTANZA is about to take a bite)

Okay! Okay! I’ll talk!

CONSTANZA

I thought you might.

(Dangles chocolate in front of CARMELLA. CARMELLA reaches for it but BERTHA holds her back)

CARMELLA

Give it to me!

CONSTANZA

First, tell us where Pinomori is.

CARMELLA

First, the chocolate…

CONSTANZA

No deal.

(Opens her mouth)

CARMELLA

No! I’ll tell. He’s locked in the old bomb shelter.

BERTHA

I know where that is.

CONSTANZA

Go check it out.

(BERTHA rushes out with PABLO and PANCHO. CARMELLA snatches away chocolate bar and eats happily)

SULLY

(To CONSTANZA)

I’m impressed.

MULDEW

Have you even thought of a career with the FBI?

BOSS

For that, you deserve something special. Dinner perhaps?

(CONSTANZA rolls her eyes. Everyone is so busy paying attention to CONSTANZA that CARMELLA has snuck out)

CONSTANZA

Uh, people?

BOSS

Yes?

CONSTANZA

She’s getting away.

SULLY

We’re on it.

(AGENTS chase after her)

CONSTANZA

They’ll be sorry.

(Two thuds are heard)

Ouch.

BOSS

We better help.

(CONSTANZA and BOSS rush after them)

MARIA

I guess we should help too.

LORENZO

(Stops her)

How could you say that about me?

MARIA

What?

LORENZO

That I was replaceable. That Carmella could just shoot me.

MARIA

I didn’t say that.

(JOHN enters)

JOHN

Would you like to try our new perfume?

MARIA

Religious perfume?

JOHN

It’s free.

MARIA

Free like last time.

JOHN

No, free for real. Please try some.

(He sprays it at LORENZO and MARIA)

LORENZO

Oh, that smells very…

(They both pass out on the floor)

JOHN

(Speaks into small devise)

I’ve got Maria.

(Puts her on a baggage cart and rushes her off. CONSTANZA and BOSS enter and find LORENZO)

CONSTANZA

Lorenzo? Are you okay?

LORENZO

(He’s groggy)

Uh, my head. What happened?

BOSS

We don’t know. Where’s Maria?

LORENZO

(Remembers)

Maria? Oh, no. They took her.

(Struggles to get up)

CONSTANZA

Who took her?

LORENZO

That weird religious guy?

BOSS
I knew I shouldn’t have let him in here.

LORENZO

He sprayed us with some kind of knock out gas. That’s all I remember.

CONSTANZA

He must be working with Carmella. Where’s those guards? They’re supposed to be protecting her.

LORENZO

Didn’t they go to find Pinomori?

CONSTANZA

But they never came back.

BOSS

And we never found the agents after they chased Carmella.

CARMELLA

(Enters with gun)

That’s because I took care of them.

CONSTANZA

I assume that’s loaded this time.

CARMELLA

Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Care to find out?

CONSTANZA

Not really.

CARMELLA

Now that we have Maria and Papa Pino, we’ll be leaving. We’ll just disappear into Mexico for awhile. Just long enough for our agents in Chiru to overthrow the government.

CONSTANZA

How? What about all the snow?

JOHN

(Enters)

We’ll be taking the Muslim Jewish Christian Buddhists for Krishna SUV.

(To CARMELLA)

We have the Pinomoris in the SUV now. We’re almost ready to vamos. The driver will come get us when he’s ready.

CARMELLA

What about these three?

JOHN

Tie them up in the basement with the others. Maybe somebody will find them, maybe they won’t. As long as it buys us time to get away.

RICKY

(Disguised as driver)

Ready?

JOHN

One moment while we do away with the witnesses.

CARMELLA

Any last words?

BOSS

(Whimpers)

Help.

CARMELLA

Adios.

RICKY

(Pulls out gun)

I don’t think so.

JOHN

What the…!

CARMELLA
What are you doing?

RICKY

(Pulls off disguise)

Hola, Carmella!

CARMELLA
Ricky! What did you do with our driver?

RICKY

He’s taking a siesta.

JOHN

Give it up. We’re two against one. You don’t stand a chance.

RICKY

Oh, really?

(AGENTS, GUARDS, and BERTHA all rush in with guns)

CARMELLA

Ay, Chihuahua!

(She and JOHN drop their guns)

BOSS

Where did you get all these guns?

BERTHA

Off a flight from Dallas.

CARMELLA

I hope you’re all happy. You’ve managed to crush our one chance at freedom for our people.

PINOMORI

(Enters with MARIA)

Maybe not, Carmella.

CARMELLA

What do you mean?

PINOMORI

(Goes to her and takes her hands)

Your actions have moved me. Your passion inspired me. I haven’t felt this way since… since I lost mi amor.

CARMELLA

But I kidnapped you, tied you up, threatened to kill you…

PINOMORI

And I haven’t had so much fun in years!

MARIA

Papa, what are you saying?

JOHN

Maybe you hit him on the head a bit too hard, Carmella.

PINOMORI

You hit me just hard enough to bring me to my senses. What an incredible day!

MARIA

Maybe if we hit him again he’ll go back to normal.

PINOMORI

I don’t want to be normal. I’m in love.

(Embrasses CARMELLA and kisses her)

Carmella. Will you do me the honor of being my wife?

CARMELLA

I don’t know what to say?

PINOMORI

Together we can bring peace to our country. The peoples will love you. They will worship you. You can unite our two sides and bring happiness to us all.

CARMELLA

To heck with the peoples. I’m going to be rich!

(Embrasses PINOMORI and GUARDS cheer)

PINOMORI

Let us take this SUV to the hotel and celebrate.

(Says SUV: es, oo, va)

CARMELLA

I’ll give you a celebration you won’t forget.

PINOMORI

Thank you one and all for this most enchanting visit. I’m sure Carmella and I will return many times to visit your wonderful airport.

(He exits with CARMELLA and GUARD)

BOSS

(Says a prayer)

Oh, please God, never let him visit again.

JOHN

Hey, that’s my SUV.

(Starts after them)

SULLY

Just one minute, bub.

MULDEW

Someone must pay for this disorderly conduct.

JOHN

But I didn’t know anything about it. Carmella was the brains behind the whole thing.

CONSTANZA

I find that hard to believe.

SULLY

How about you come down to the office?

JOHN

But the snow… do you have a SUV?

MULDEW

Then we’ll have our talk at the Sticky Buns.

SULLY

(To BERTHA)

Section off Sticky Buns. Secure area. An order of one roll and coffee please.

(BERTHA nods)

MULDEW

Make that two.

SULLY

Two orders.

(BERTHA nods again and rushes off)

JOHN

What about me?

MULDEW

Come on, you.

(AGENTS drag off JOHN toward Sticky Bun)

CONSTANZA

I could use some coffee myself.

BOSS

I could use something a little stronger than that.

LORENZO

Hey, I think the snow’s melting.

CONSTANZA

Oh, man. Back to work.

BOSS

The next flight isn’t for a few hours. Could I talk you into that coffee?

CONSTANZA

You could probably talk me into about anything now.

BOSS

Oh, really?

CONSTANZA

Don’t push your luck.

BOSS

(Winks at LORENZO as he leads CONSTANZA off)

Me? I would never take advantage of a lady.

LORENZO

He never gives up does he?

(Smiles at MARIA, understanding the feeling)

MARIA

My hero…

(Goes to embrace RICKY. LORENZO is stunned)

RICKY

(Pushes MARIA away)

Thanks but no thanks.

MARIA

What are you talking about?

RICKY

I have a confession to make.

MARIA

What?

RICKY

I still don’t like you.

MARIA

Then why did you save me?

RICKY

I don’t know really. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but now I’m not so sure. Maybe I should have let Carmella win. Had I known what she was up to…

MARIA

How can you say that? She might have had us killed.

RICKY

And freed Chiru of an evil dictator and his spawn.

MARIA

Didn’t you listen? He wants things to change. With Carmella…

RICKY

Power corrupts, Maria. Carmella will be put on display and things will quiet down for awhile. But things won’t change. They never do.

MARIA

I don’t even know why I like you. You depress me.

RICKY

Besides, when I was out in that snowstorm, an angel came to me.

MARIA

(Disgusted)

An angel?

RICKY

My angel was driving a pink 4x4.

MARIA

A pink 4x4?

RICKY

She stopped and called me inside. Inside it was warm and melted my cold heart.

MARIA

And where is this angel now?

RICKY

Oh, Angelica. She dropped me off here. She has other lost souls to pull out of the ditch.

MARIA

Pull out of the… what?

RICKY

She’s a tow truck driver.

MARIA

(Sarcastic)

That’s sexy…

RICKY

And I got her number…

MARIA

You are so weird.

(Turns to LORENZO sweetly who has stood stunned during this whole interaction)

So Lorenzo, my little hero. Would you fetch me a cab and I’ll let you take me home? Papa Pino doesn’t seem interested in a visit from his daughter today.

LORENZO

Uh, okay.

(Starts to go but RICKY stops him)

So you want Lorenzo to pay for the cab?

MARIA

Sure, if he’s giving me the ride home.

RICKY

You’re the one with the money.

LORENZO

It’s okay, Ricky.

RICKY

But she’s loaded. Don’t let her take advantage of you like that.

MARIA

Mind your own business, Ricky. You had your chance.

RICKY

But what will happen when you get home? Does Lorenzo get to come up?

MARIA

None of your business!

RICKY

I doubt it. Take a good look at her, Lorenzo. This will probably be the last you get to see of her.

MARIA

Come, Lorenzo.

(Takes LORENZO by the arm)

Let’s leave, Ricky to dream of his ditch witch.

LORENZO

(Stops)

Uh, Maria. That’s not very nice.

MARIA

Nice? He’s the one not being nice.

LORENZO

No…

(He pauses nervously)

You’re the one not being nice.

MARIA

What is this? Stupid man week. Look at me, Lorenzo. This is good as it gets. I’m rich, talented, and powerful. What more can you want?

LORENZO

Someone nice.

MARIA

Idiota.

(Throws her hands up)

Fine, throw away your one chance at something good.

(Softens)

I liked you guys. I really did. You may not be as good looking or as rich as most guys I meet, but you’re not bad. Too bad we couldn’t give it a try.

(She goes. LORENZO starts after her, then stops)

LORENZO

I am an idiot.

RICKY

We both are, amigo.

LORENZO

(Drops into chair)

What a day. I hope everyday at work isn’t like this.

RICKY

Was this a happy ending?

LORENZO

I’m not sure.

RICKY

Nobody died. They’ve brought peace to Chiru… maybe.

LORENZO

But we didn’t get the girl.

RICKY

We didn’t want the girl.

LORENZO

We didn’t?

RICKY

Trust me. You don’t want her. She’s trouble.

LORENZO

Maybe I want a little trouble.

RICKY

Maybe you want a kick in the head.

LORENZO

Maybe…

(Sighs)

She was my dream girl. She was everything I thought I wanted. I practically worshipped her. But all she did was make me feel horrible.

RICKY

She’s kind of like an AeroPeor airplane. Sure, it looks good on the outside. Sure, we’ve got pretty stewardesses. Sure, the seats are comfortable. But open it up and take a look at the engine… you’ll be sorry.

LORENZO

Yeah, I guess you’re right.

RICKY

Don’t worry. The right woman will come along one day and make you a very happy hombre.

LORENZO

And what about Maria?

RICKY

What about her?

LORENZO

Will she be happy?

RICKY

Only time will tell.

(MARY walks in. She’s a dead ringer for MARIA [played by same actress], but much more plain. MARIA always wear sunglasses. MARY wears thick lenses with ugly frames. MARIA wore a flashy hat. MARY has mussed up hair pulled up in back. MARY enters timidly and goes up to desk)

I think you have a customer.

LORENZO

You mean we have a customer.

RICKY

I quit, remember?

LORENZO

Oh, yeah.

(He goes to MARY)

Can I help you?

MARY

(Smiles weakly)

Uh… is this AeorPeor?

LORENZO

Yes.

MARY

Well, I was supposed to take your airline to South America, but I can’t now.

LORENZO

Why not?

MARY

You know that snowstorm. Well, I was waiting for it to clear so we could board the plane. The snow must have been very heavy because the wing on the plane fell off.

LORENZO

It did!

MARY

I don’t think I want to get on it now. I don’t care how much duct tape they put on the wing.

LORENZO

I don’t blame you. Here, let me refund your money.

MARY

Can you do that?

LORENZO

It seems only fair.

(Takes her ticket and get a good look at her)

Hey, you look very familiar.

MARY

Oh, I look terrible. I haven’t slept in days. I’ve been so worried about this flight.

LORENZO

You look like Maria Pinomori.

MARY

The actress. Oh, don’t be silly. I’m no where as pretty as she is.

LORENZO

What’s your name?

MARY

(Points to ticket)

Mary Parker.

LORENZO

And your phone number?

MARY

My phone number?

(Embarrassed)

LORENZO

I need it to give you your refund.

(Embarrassed back)

Sorry.

MARY

That’s okay. I thought maybe…

LORENZO

Well, maybe I do…

MARY

Do you?

LORENZO

Maybe…

MARY

Okay.

LORENZO

Really?

MARY

Sure.

LORENZO

Great.

MARY

(Writes down number)

Here’s my number.

LORENZO

Your refund will be in the mail.

MARY

Okay.

(Hangs around a minute. They smile shyly)

I’ll see you then.

LORENZO

Okay.

(Waves at her as she goes. MARY waves back, trips on something and they laugh)

You all right?

MARY

Yeah…

(Laughs and goes)

LORENZO

Bye.

RICKY

(Goes to LORENZO who’s still watching MARY go)

What just happened here?

LORENZO

I don’t know.

RICKY

Looks like we may have had our happy ending after all.

LORENZO

It sure does.