Bad Air
a comedy by
D. M. Bocaz-Larson
Copyright © 2004
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87020. Please no purchase orders. NOTE: The play may not be reproduced or
published in any form without written permission from the author. Thank you for selecting my
script. I hope you enjoy it. Sincerely, D. M. Bocaz-Larson
Thank
you for selecting my script. I hope you
enjoy it.
Sincerely,
D.
M. Bocaz-Larson
Cast of Characters
RICKY: A handsome worker at AirCraphvia who is
anxious for advancement.
CAMI: Another employee at AirCraphvia. She’s an ample, but extremely sexy
woman.
STACY: Regional director of AirCraphvia.
EVA: Daughter of CORBICHOVICH. She is a student and an actress.
CORBICHOVICH: Dictator of the Eastern European
country of Craphvia. He is also the
owner of AirCraphvia.
NOTE
AirCraphvia is pronounced
Air-Craff-via but Cami can feel free to say it Air-Crap-a, Air Crappy,
Air-Crap, etc. Same goes for the country’s
pronunciation Craphvia is Craff-via, but Cami can Crappy-a, Crap-a, etc.
Place and Time
The AirCraphvia check-in
desk at an airport in present day
Scenes
The play may be
divided into two or three acts. See
notes throughout the script for recommendations on intermissions for both.
ACT I Scene 1
(
RICK
Hey,
Cami. Slow night?
CAMI
It's
always slow here, Rick. Nobody wants to
fly on AirCrappy.
RICK
AirCraphvia,
Cami.
(Said Air-Craff-via)
You
know you’re not supposed it call it AirCrappy anymore. It’s not good for business.
CAMI
Don’t
worry. We haven’t had any customers to
scare away tonight.
RICK
Maybe
it's because our pilots keep running into mountains.
CAMI
It
only happened once or twice.
RICK
Three
times.
CAMI
What are the chances it will happen again?
RICK
You
don't want me to answer that.
CAMI
(Waves at invisible customers)
Still
plenty of seats on tonight's flight!
(Waves at different
customers)
Free
drinks after
(Frustrated)
Nothing
works.
RICK
Have
you tried everything?
CAMI
Almost...
RICK
What
haven't you tried?
CAMI
Set
right up, folks and fly with me! I’m
ready and willing.
(CAMI smiles at passing
invisible customer)
Well,
hello there stranger. Going my way?
(Pouts when he moves on)
He
looked interested.
RICK
But
his wife sure didn't.
(Phone rings)
A
customer.
CAMI
(Closer to phone)
Oh,
Rick. Would you get that?
RICK
You're
closer.
CAMI
Oh,
please, Rick. I just did my nails.
RICK
Fine.
(Pushes past her)
Hello?
(Smiles)
Sure
we have room on the flight tonight.
(Frowns)
What?
CAMI
What's wrong?
RICK
No,
you can't do that.
CAMI
What?! Rick.
Don't tell them no.
RICK
Sorry,
your children can't do that.
CAMI
Let
the kids do it.
RICK
No,
your children can't ride in the suitcases.
You have to buy them tickets.
CAMI
Maybe
they can't do that.
RICK
I
don't care if they’re under weight, it's against the law.
(Hangs up)
Are
they for real?
CAMI
(Adjusts her chest)
No,
but they sure do look good, don’t they?
RICK
Not
you, the people on the phone.
CAMI
Oh,
silly me.
(Looks at watch)
Time
for my break.
RICK
Take
your time. Doesn't look like we're too
busy.
CAMI
I
have to hurry to the Made in
RICK
Gross. How can you eat those things?
CAMI
You pop the top and you can’t stop… kind of like me.
(Starts to go)
RICK
Hey! What happened to my computer terminal?
CAMI
(Stops)
Oh,
Rick. I'm sorry. I kind of broke it.
RICK
Broke
it?! Why did you break my
terminal? Why couldn't you break your
own?
CAMI
I'm
sorry.
(Gets pouty)
I’m
a bad girl.
RICK
Yes,
you are.
CAMI
I
am so bad. You should punish me.
RICK
What?!
Will you behave yourself?
CAMI
But
it’s no fun to behave.
RICK
Normally,
I’d agree, but our regional director is coming.
CAMI
I’m
sure I can handle him. I will just need
to pucker up, wiggle my hips, and slowly unbutton my shirt. “Oh, Mr. Director. These here uniforms are just so hot. I can hardly keep them on.”
RICK
You
better hope she’s a lesbian. Otherwise
that ain’t gonna work too well.
CAMI
What
are you talking about? Our regional
director is Boris Grincov.
RICK
Not
anymore.
CAMI
Boris
is gone? But he was so…
RICK
Old? Ugly?
Senile?
CAMI
…easy to persuade.
RICK
Cami,
you could persuade an Eskimo to dance naked in a blizzard.
CAMI
(Grins)
Oh,
that’s a pretty picture.
RICK
So,
this time, you’re going to need to use slightly different tactics.
CAMI
(STACY enters from
behind as CAMI speaks)
I
know her type. She’s some dragon lady
who ruined powerful men so she could get their jobs. She cares nothing about nobody. She probably slept her way to the top.
STACY
Can’t
say that I did? And what did you
do? Sleep your way to the bottom.
RICK
Cami,
meet our new regional director, Stacy Toredovich.
CAMI
Did
you hear too much of that?
STACY
Let’s
just say I heard enough to not only fire you, but to have you executed under
Craphvian law.
CAMI
I’m so happy we aren’t in Craphvia.
STACY
You're
just lucky I need you right now.
CAMI
Sorry,
Ms. Boss Lady. I'll be good.
STACY
My
name is Ms. Toredovich.
CAMI
You
don’t look Craphvian.
STACY
I
am by marriage.
CAMI
So
then you’re Mrs. Toredovich.
STACY
No,
Ms. I’m divorced.
CAMI
I’m
so sorry.
STACY
No,
you’re not.
CAMI
Dang,
I was trying to sound sincere.
RICK
Hi,
I'm...
STACY
I
know who two are and according to my records, this place is a disgrace. The
CAMI
That's
not what the guys around here have been telling
me.
RICK
Sorry,
Ms. Torrez. The
STACY
Thank
goodness for censorship in Craphvia. It's
the only thing that has saved us.
CAMI
Don't
you think freedom of press is better than lying?
STACY
I
don't get paid to think. And I suggest
you stop before you find yourself without a job.
RICK
Cami,
I don't think you've ever been accused of thinking too much before.
CAMI
You
can just call me... oh, dang. What's the
name of that famous smart lady?
RICK
Who? Rachel Carson? Elenor Rosevelt?
CAMI
No...
Marilyn Monroe. She's my hero.
STACY
Will
you two be serious? We have the
president of Craphvia, our airline patron, coming here on a plane as we
speak. He wants to prove that our
airlines are safe to fly on plans a big press conference here.
CAMI
I
promise Rick will be on his best behavior.
I’ll make sure of it.
STACY
You
have one more chance. If this visit goes
well, then you both keep your jobs. If
it doesn’t go well, I’ll personally fly you to Craphvia and have you executed.
(RICK’s mouth drops
open)
Now,
let's see what condition that office of yours is in.
(Exits R)
RICK
What
did I do wrong?
CAMI
I don't know, but you sure made her mad.
RICK
Me? What about you?
CAMI
Oh,
she was kidding around. I can tell she
likes me. We'll be good friends.
RICK
You
don’t think they could execute us do you?
We’re American citizens.
CAMI
Oh,
I saw this movie once where they stuffed these two people in duffle bags and
shipped them off to
RICK
Please,
Cami. Be serious. We have to do a good job.
CAMI
Oh,
what for? Once the big dictator sees his
RICK
We
have to make his think it's worth it. Please,
Cami. Don’t mess up. I need this job.
CAMI
I’ll
try to be good, just for you, sweetie.
RICK
If
lose another job, then I’ll have to move back home again. There’s nothing worse than being an adult and
having to move in with your parents.
CAMI
You
can always move in with me, honey.
RICK
What
would your boyfriend say?
CAMI
You
know what I say? The more the merrier.
RICK
Didn’t
you say something about him and gorillas once?
I’m not messing with any guy who reminds you of a gorilla.
CAMI
But
then you could be my little monkey.
RICK
I
think I’d rather live with my parents.
CAMI
Fine. Go ahead and hurt my feelings.
(Starts to sniffle)
That’s
all men ever do is hurt my feelings.
(Covers her eyes. Fights back the tears)
RICK
Hey,
Cami. I didn’t mean to make you feel
bad.
(Goes to her. She sobs as he pats her on the shoulder)
There,
there.
CAMI
Tell
me you’re sorry.
RICK
I’m
sorry.
CAMI
Tell
me, you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings.
RICK
I
didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
CAMI
(Grabs him and pulls him
to her)
Tell
me you’re my little monkey.
STACY
(Enters R. Sees them)
What’s going on?
RICK
(Breaks away from CAMI)
This
isn’t what it looks like.
CAMI
I’m sorry, Ms. Toredovich. I tried to
keep him away, but men just lose control around me.
STACY
I
don’t care what was going on, just knock it off.
CAMI
You
say… I listen.
(Goes to her terminal)
RICK
Please,
Ms. Toredovich. You have to let me
explain.
STACY
Look,
I just want you to behave yourself long enough to get through tonight. Please, no more fooling around.
RICK
But
I…
(CAMI’s phone rings)
STACY
Are
you going to answer that?
CAMI
I
can't right now. You've got me all
stressed out.
RICK
(Gets phone)
AirCraphvia. Rick speaking.
(RICK checks CAMI's
computer terminal)
CAMI
He’s
much better on the phone than I am.
RICK
(Surprised)
Sorry,
sir. But that flight’s actually full.
(STACY all make coughing sounds and whisk him
downstage. RICK puts his hand over the
receiver)
What
did I do wrong?
STACY
We
are never full.
RICK
What?
STACY
Remember
this rule. The plane is never full. We always have seats.
RICK
How’s
that possible?
STACY
See,
we expect people to miss the flight or cancel, so we overbook so we’re full.
RICK
But
what if everyone shows?
STACY
Then
they wait for the next plane.
RICK
But…
STACY
(Takes the phone)
Sir,
we just had an opening.
(Punches information
into computer)
CAMI
You
take my spot, Rick. I need a break.
RICK
When
did you start working?
CAMI
I
do lots of work.
RICK
When?
CAMI
All
of the time. I do it so fast that you
don't see it.
STACY
(Gets off phone)
How
do you people manage to survive?
RICK
We
do very well considering how small we are.
CAMI
Rick,
honey. Never say that you are too small
to a woman.
STACY
Always
with the jokes.
(Sighs)
Look,
President Corbichovich of Craphvia is arriving today on the one-eleven out of
Santalivia.
CAMI
President? Don’t you mean dictator?
STACY
He
was elected to office.
CAMI
He
won only because he killed the guy he was running against.
STACY
I’ll
admit his methods aren’t the most ethical, but Craphvia has said that
Corbichovich has established the most democratic dictatorship in a couple of
centuries.
CAMI
You
can call Hitler, Honest Abe, but he still ain’t no
RICK
That
was surprisingly deep, Cami.
STACY
We
will treat him with the utmost respect.
No matter what your feelings are on the subject, he is the owner of our
airline and the
CAMI
You
can call a con an artist but he still ain’t a…
STACY
Cami,
please, stop with the metaphors.
CAMI
Metawhats?
RICK
I
promise you, she’s not as stupid as she is.
CAMI
Thank
you, Rick.
(Thinks)
Hey!
(She smacks RICK who
laughs)
STACY
Let’s
stop kidding around, please.
RICK
So
what is our role in all this?
STACY
He
wants to meet the employees of AirCraphvia Amarillo during his visit.
CAMI
But
why is he visiting
STACY
His
daughter goes to school here at the
CAMI
Oh,
yeah. I’ve seen her in something. They made a big deal out of it because she is
a dictator’s daughter. I think she was
that soap opera that’s filmed on a ranch near hear… Texas Tramps I think it’s
called. She was a maid or something.
RICK
(A bit dreamy)
She
was a stable hand named Lola. She also
plays Lola’s twin sister Dr. Linda Love, the brain surgeon.
STACY
Are
you a fan of hers?
RICK
(Blushes)
My
mother has watched that show for a long time and she got me hooked on it too. It’s pretty amazing that his daughter was born
speaking Craphvian and learned English well enough to play an English speaker
on television here. Now she does theatre
here in
STACY
Anyway, she’ll be arriving here to meet her father and I want you to make her
feel at home while she waits.
CAMI
Rick
can handle that I’m sure.
(Gives him a playful
nudge and RICK blushes more)
RICK
(Excited for the first
time)
We’ll
do everything we can to make their stay a pleasant one.
STACY
I knew I could count on you.
(Looks off R)
Now
if someone could just control the weather.
It’s turning nasty out there.
RICK
I
heard it might snow.
STACY
Ah! Don’t say it!
Don’t say it.
CAMI
(Aside to RICK)
Snow.
STACY
I
have a few things to do in the office.
I’ll be back to meet the dictator… I mean president.
(Motions RICK to her)
Uh,
Rick?
RICK
(Goes to her obediently)
Yes,
Ms. Toredovich.
STACY
I
haven’t been very impressed with your performance so far.
RICK
I
am so sorry. I promise I will do
everything in my power to please you.
STACY
(Winks at him)
That’s
what I hoped you would say. Why don’t
you stop by the office a little later and we’ll… talk.
(Exits R)
RICK
Did
she mean what I thought she meant?
CAMI
Oh,
Rick. You’re in trouble.
RICK
Why
me? Why do women throw themselves at me
like this?
CAMI
Most
guys would like it. You a little light
in your sombrero?
RICK
No, I like women. I really do. Call me crazy, but I just don’t like to
sleep with every woman that comes along.
CAMI
You’re
crazy.
RICK
Fine,
I’ll go play boy toy for boss lady.
CAMI
Then
it’s my turn.
RICK
(EVA enters R)
Sure,
fine and then it’s your turn. Why don’t
I just make an announcement on the airport intercom? Step right up ladies. Rick is ready for romance.
EVA
(From behind)
Now
this is what I call a full service airport.
RICK
Oh,
my gosh.
(Really embarrassed)
Eva? Eva Dictator… I mean Eva Corbichovich.
CAMI
(Pats RICK on head)
You’ll
have to excuse my friend here. He’s
still learning to speak English.
EVA
That’s
okay. The cute ones don’t need to speak.
CAMI
(Aside to RICK)
Ohh,
reel her in, boy.
RICK
I’m
sorry. We weren’t expecting you so
soon.
EVA
The
weather is horrible out there. I thought
I’d better get here early before the snow got too bad.
RICK
Welcome
to AirCraphvia Amarillo, Miss Corbichovich.
EVA
So how did you know who I was?
RICK
From
TV… and the theatre.
EVA
(Flattered)
You’ve
seen me?
RICK
Oh,
once or twice. On
CAMI
Once
or twice? He never misses that
show. And I’ll bet he went to that
musical more than once too.
EVA
I’m
flattered.
RICK
Forgive
me. I should introduce myself. I am Rick Ramone and this here is my partner
in crime, Cami.
CAMI
So you’re
the famous Eva Corbichovich?
EVA
You’ve
seen me on TV too?
CAMI
No,
I’ve just heard about you from some Craphvia friends of mine.
EVA
Don’t
believe everything you hear.
CAMI
If
I did that then I’d have to believe that story about Rick and the armadillo on
runway three…
RICK
Whatever
you’re about to say doesn’t need to be repeated…
EVA
(Aside to CAMI)
That’s
okay you can tell me about it later.
(CAMI winks at RICK)
RICK
Well,
anyway… it’s wonderful to have you here.
Is there anything we can get for you?
EVA
Do
I have time to freshen up before he gets down here?
RICK
Of
course.
(Points L)
The
restroom is right over there.
CAMI
I’ll
show her.
EVA
(Gives RICK a pleased
smile)
Thank
you, Rick.
CAMI
(Winks at RICK)
Isn’t
he such a sweet thing?
(Leads EVA L)
Our
first stop on our tour will be the Made in
(Both exit L)
RICK
(STACY enters R as RICK
talks to himself)
Wow,
now she’s someone I’d like to get to know.
STACY
(From behind)
I
hope you’re talking about me.
RICK
Oh,
Ms. Toredovich. Back so soon?
STACY
I was
thinking that I needed some help in the office.
RICK
Sure,
once Cami gets back, I’ll be right there.
STACY
(Plays with RICK’s
shirt)
So
anxious, so willing…
RICK
(Suspicious)
Uh,
well, uh, what kind of help do you need?
STACY
I’ve
got this bottle of wine that needs help drinking. I have several for the old dictator when he
arrives. I’m sure he won’t miss one
little bottle.
RICK
Uh…
Ms. Toredovich…
STACY
Look,
we have a long evening ahead of us. The
big guy won’t be here for another two hours and I need to unwind a little
before we start running around like roosters in a cock fight.
(Very direct)
And
you seem like a nice guy who would like to keep his job.
RICK
(Sighs)
Whatever
you say, Ms. Toredovich…
STACY
Call
me, Stacy.
(Smiles)
Now
you rush right back to the office as soon as Cami returns.
(Starts to go, then
stops)
Oh,
and bring me some of those chocolates Cami keeps talking about.
RICK
(STACY exits R)
Sure
thing. No problem.
(Bangs head on computer
monitor)
Why
me?
(CAMI enters L)
I
can’t figure out if I am cursed or blessed.
CAMI
(Sneaks up behind
him. Pinches him on the cheek)
Both
I think.
RICK
Hey,
you just missed the boss lady.
CAMI
Did
you say where I was? Did you say I was
showing Eva around?
RICK
No,
I said you were giving the customers special rates in the back room.
CAMI
Ha,
ha. Very funny.
RICK
So
where is Eva?
CAMI
In
the ladies room.
(Smiles at RICK)
You
like her don’t you?
RICK
(Shrugs, trying to
ignore CAMI)
I
don’t know.
CAMI
(Pokes him)
Come
on, Rick. I know that look. It’s like that look I get when I see some
chocolate. You’ve got it bad for her.
RICK
So
what if I do? It doesn’t matter. She’s rich.
She’s going to be a famous actress.
Why would she want to bother with a guy like me?
CAMI
Beats
me. Maybe to make her daddy mad?
RICK
Great. That’s just what I need is a half-crazed
military dictator mad at me.
CAMI
So
how bad do you have it for her?
RICK
I
have her picture.
(Pulls out wallet and a
huge thing of photos comes out)
CAMI
One
or two pictures I see.
RICK
Who
am I kidding? I worship this woman. That's why I took this job, so I might have a
chance to see her. I know her father
owns this airline. I know that the only
reason this office exists is so she can fly for free to Craphvia to visit her
father.
CAMI
You
little schemer, you. A devious mind is a
terrible thing to waste. So now you've
met her in the flesh. She as wonderful
as you thought?
RICK
Even
more wonderful.
CAMI
Then
ask her out.
RICK
Me? Now way.
It’s bad enough that she’s an actress.
Why does she have to be so rich and powerful too? My chances are as about as good as a
rattlesnake on a highway.
CAMI
You’re
chances look pretty good with boss lady though.
RICK
Don’t
remind me. I’m supposed to go back
there now and “help” her.
CAMI
You
are in trouble, my friend.
RICK
Please,
Cami. You’ve got to help me out of
this.
CAMI
No
way am I getting involved. I like my
job.
RICK
So
do I, but…
(Drifts off)
CAMI
But
what?
RICK
But
what about Eva?
CAMI
You
said it yourself. What are your
chances? She is a rich, beautiful,
talented woman. Then there’s a poor
little airline bag boy…
RICK
I’m
not a bag boy… not anymore.
CAMI
If you
don’t get back there and “help” the boss lady, you’ll be lucky to be the bag
boy.
RICK
Bag
boy or boy toy? What a choice.
CAMI
Or
unemployed. It’s a no brainer.
RICK
I
guess then it’s off to the wolves.
CAMI
Too
late. She’s coming to hunt you down.
STACY
(Enters R)
Rick,
I thought I asked you to see me when Cami returned.
RICK
Sorry,
we got really busy here.
CAMI
(Aside to RICK)
And
she wanted to get busy back there too.
(CAMI pokes RICK playfully and then goes to her
computer. She commences doing one finger
typing, careful not to break a nail. She
switches to the mouse)
STACY
Looks
like we’re behind schedule anyway. I
just received a report that President Corbichovich’s plane might be arriving
sooner than planned. This calls for
operation Dazzle the Dictator…
RICK
Yes,
Ms. Toredovich. What do we do?
STACY
First
we get out the welcome banners.
(Points R and UC)
I
want them there and there. Next we need
to get out the red carpet…
CAMI
Are
you serious?
STACY
I
do not joke around.
CAMI
(Under her breath)
I
think you’re funny.
STACY
What’s
that?
CAMI
You’re
sweeter than honey.
STACY
You
are so weird.
(Turns back to RICK)
Now,
what was I saying?
RICK
We
need to hang the red carpet, there and there…
(Points UC, then R)
STACY
(Sees R)
Oh,
no. I think it’s starting to snow out
there.
CAMI
It
never snows here.
RICK
Actually
it does sometimes…
CAMI
Hardly
enough to notice.
RICK
(Crosses R)
You’ll
notice this. It’s really coming down.
CAMI
(Hits computer)
This
alert keeps popping up and ruining a perfectly good game of solitaire.
STACY
(Crosses to CAMI)
What
alert?
CAMI
(Reads)
Winter
storm warning.
STACY
Oh,
great. Check and see when flight
one-eleven arrives.
RICK
(Looks over CAMI's
shoulder)
It’s
already here!
STACY
(Gets on loud speaker)
Flight
one-eleven is at gate A13.
(Turns to others)
I’ll
go with you to greet them. Cami you
come too. Rick, you greet his daughter
here and wait for us.
RICK
But
she…
CAMI
She
is in good hands.
STACY
Let’s
go.
(Exits L)
CAMI
(To RICK)
This
will give you two lovebirds some time alone.
RICK
Cami,
wait. What do I say to her?
CAMI
Come
on, Rick. I thought all guys had little
routines worked out for hitting on women.
(Pretends to be a guy)
Hey,
baby. Wanna see what I got in my pocket?
RICK
No
guy is going to say something like that.
CAMI
Uh-huh. I just had a guy that exact thing to me when
I went to buy chocolates.
RICK
I
can’t use some stupid line like that on Eva.
She’s… special.
CAMI
Oh,
yeah. Real special.
RICK
It
would be different if I was some rich
CAMI
Fine. For you, Rick, I’ll help. I do not like this Eva chick, but I like you
so I’ll help.
RICK
Thank
you, Cami. Now what do I do?
CAMI
Why
don’t I pretend to be her and then I’ll check out your technique?
RICK
I
don’t really have a technique.
CAMI
Okay,
here I come.
(Does a snooty, rich
girl walk with her nose in the air and snear)
Hi,
I’m a rich, stuck-up brat who gets whatever I want from my daddy.
RICK
Come
on, Cami. What are you doing?
CAMI
I’m
trying to get into character. Isn’t that
what those
RICK
Okay,
fine. Do it again. But different this time.
CAMI
(Walks in doing a silly
movie star walk)
Hi,
I’m a sexy actress from tv. You may look
at my body but do not touch.
RICK
Cami,
please.
CAMI
Oh,
you’re no fun.
RICK
Maybe
we should forget about this.
CAMI
One
more try.
(Walks in like a queen)
Bow
down before me. Lick my boots. I’m your powerful princess here to whip you
bad if you don’t worship me.
RICK
Forget
it.
CAMI
But
I’m having fun.
RICK
I’m
glad one of us is.
CAMI
You
know, Rick. That’s your problem. You’re too up tight.
RICK
I
am not.
CAMI
Are
so.
RICK
Am
not.
CAMI
So,
so, so. Try to have a little fun. Let her see your playful side.
RICK
I
have a playful side?
CAMI
Everybody
has a playful side. Some just bury it
deeper than others.
RICK
I’ll
give it a try.
CAMI
That’s
all I ask.
RICK
Thanks,
Cami.
CAMI
Any
time, honey. And if it doesn’t work out
with her, I’m happy to pretend to be her for you any time.
STACY
(Rushes in)
Where
have you been? I thought you were
coming to help me.
CAMI
I
thought you could handle it. Where’s
the big kahuna?
STACY
That’s
why I need help. He refuses to get off the
plane until we can heat up the walkway from the plane. Can we do that?
CAMI
You
bet we can. I can heat things up plenty
for our little dictator.
STACY
Let’s
hope so.
(Exits)
CAMI
Gotta
go, Rick. Good luck with Eva.
(Exits)
RICK
I’m
going to need it.
(Lights fade to black)
ACT I Scene 2
for two act play
ACT II Scene 1 for three act play
(Same setting as ACT I,
Scene 1. EVA enters)
RICK
Oh,
hi, Eva. Did you hear the announcement?
EVA
No.
RICK
You’re
father is here.
EVA
Already? How did the plane get here so fast?
RICK
(Checks computer)
Says
here they didn’t stop in
EVA
I
guess his dictatorship wanted a direct flight.
RICK
Imagine
being that powerful. Wouldn’t that be
something?
EVA
Go
ahead and dream, Rick. And maybe one day
you can be a dictator of your own little European country.
RICK
Me? I doubt I’m the type.
EVA
(Sizes him up)
Let
me see… Good looking, friendly, nice…
(Laughs)
Nope,
not the type at all.
RICK
You
make it sounds like a good thing.
EVA
It is,
Rick. Being a dictator isn’t as fun and
glamorous as TV makes it out to be.
RICK
Glamorous? More like dangerous. And what about being his daughter. Are you ever in danger?
EVA
You
don’t have to fear danger when you’re dangerous.
RICK
(Chuckles nervously)
That’s
a joke, right?
EVA
Sure,
why not.
RICK
Uh,
okay…
(Nervously fiddles with
computer)
EVA
So
you’re my own personal welcome wagon?
RICK
The
others went to greet your father.
EVA
That
Cami. She’s an interesting one.
RICK
Interesting
is a word for her.
EVA
You
two involved?
RICK
Me
and Cami? No. We just work together. She actually gets on my nerves, but I try to
get along.
EVA
Now
there’s a concept. Trying to get
along. Whenever daddy doesn’t like
someone, he just snaps his fingers and they disappear.
RICK
Oh,
boy…
EVA
Am
I scaring you?
RICK
Me? Scared of some silly old dictator? Ha!
EVA
I hoped
this snowstorm would keep him away completely.
RICK
Really? You two have problems?
EVA
I
don’t need to be spreading around my dirty laundry.
RICK
I’m
sure your laundry is never too dirty.
EVA
(Laughs)
You’re
funny.
RICK
(Gets up some courage)
You
know. I know I’m just some regular guy
without an army or money or power, but would you consider…
EVA
Sure.
RICK
Sure?
EVA
You’re
asking me out aren’t you?
RICK
Well,
yeah.
EVA
I’ll
go out with you, as long as my daddy approves.
RICK
(Heart sinks)
Oh…
EVA
Sorry,
but it’s the Craphvian law. Daddy has
made laws about anything and everything.
He just loves laws that make things more difficult for everyone but him.
RICK
Craphvia
sounds like a fun country.
EVA
That’s
why I’m in
RICK
You’re
doing pretty well too. You’re becoming
quite a star on TV.
EVA
It’s
just bit parts in some unknown soap opera.
The theatre is what I really enjoy. Daddy says he may arrange for me to
get a big role on Broadway.
RICK
But
wouldn’t you rather make it on your own merits, instead of letting your father
buy your way in.
EVA
No,
not really. This way is much quicker.
RICK
I
guess so.
EVA
Oh,
I see. You’re one of those guys who
wants to get somewhere on his own sweat and tears.
RICK
I’d
prefer to skip the sweat and tears, but I’d like to get somewhere on my own, yes.
EVA
I
hate to tell you, but you aren’t off to a very good start.
RICK
I’ll
have you know my parents worked hard to give me a good life. I make more in a day than they made in a
month at my age. They are very proud of
me.
EVA
And
I probably have more in my purse than you make in a month.
RICK
Probably…
EVA
And
I didn’t have to work at all for it.
RICK
Hey,
acting is work.
EVA
Acting
doesn’t make me this kind of money.
Daddy gives it to me.
RICK
So how
did he make all his money?
EVA
Do
you really want to know?
RICK
Uh,
maybe not.
EVA
How’s
that saying go, if you can’t handle the fire, don’t play with the oven.
RICK
(Chuckles)
Something
like that.
EVA
Daddy
is no worse than some of your presidents in this country. Clinton, Nixon, Kennedy…
RICK
Wait
a minute. I’ll admit some of those guy
had their problems, but Kennedy?
EVA
He
started the Vietnam War.
RICK
He
did not.
EVA
That’s
not what I hear. See, your government
only tells you what they want you to know.
Did you know the
RICK
No
way. I know that’s not true.
EVA
It
is true. Everyone in Craphvia knows
it. Daddy was a big hero because he
defeated the evil communists. Your
country supplied the guns and the military training. Without the
RICK
You’re
serious, aren’t you? The
EVA
Next
time you go pointing a finger, you remember you got four pointing right back at
you.
RICK
Okay,
okay. You win. Truce?
EVA
(Smiles)
Sure,
Rick. I know how you feel. I was innocent like you once. My daddy always tried to keep me away from
the action. He never wanted me to know
what really went on.
RICK
When
did you realize what was going on?
EVA
When
I kidnapped by some wacko group called the People’s Freedom Revolution
Liberation Party of Craphvia.
RICK
You
were kidnapped?
EVA
Daddy
was furious, he made heads roll… literally.
(Grows sad)
It
was very traumatic.
RICK
I’m
sure it was. All those people dying…
EVA
Not
that part… the part about being kidnapped.
They kept me locked up in this little room and didn’t allow me to have
any servants. I had to cut my own food.
RICK
You’re
joking right?
EVA
It’s
easier to joke about it, then face the reality, don’t you think?
RICK
I
see your point.
EVA
Daddy
decided I was safer in the
RICK
Sounds
like it.
EVA
I
feel at home with all the mugging, drugs, and drive by shootings.
RICK
(Laughs)
Good
point.
EVA
I
refuse to have bodyguards, but I think daddy pays people to keep an eye on
me. He’s very considerate that way.
RICK
If
you say so…
EVA
I wonder where’s the big dictator is?
RICK
They
should be down any minute.
EVA
(Points to his computer)
What’s
that flashing red screen mean?
RICK
(Looks at computer)
Oh,
no. Stacy’s not going to like this. They’re closing the roads. There’s a big wreck on the I-40… They can’t clear it with the snow this bad…
That means we’re trapped.
EVA
Trapped? Here?
RICK
The
police say they won’t open the roads until the snow stops.
EVA
Here
he comes.
(CORBICHOVICH is lead in by CAMI. CAMI is on his arms talking away happily at
him. CORBICHOVICH likes the attention)
I
see he wasted no time finding a floozy.
RICK
(Aside to EVA)
Cami
is the floozy’s floozy.
CORBICHOVICH
I
wish to thank you for…
(Focuses on CAMI)
…
this most kind welcome.
(CAMI does kissy lips at
him. He smiles then looks to others)
But
I am tired and wish to go to the hotel.
RICK
Uh, sir…
CORBICHOVICH
(Waves RICK away)
I
will take the tour of your facilities later.
For now, I must rest.
EVA
(Goes up to
CORBICHOVICH)
Welcome,
daddy.
CORBICHOVICH
Is
that my Eva? You look so much like your
mother all the time. God rest her soul.
RICK
Your
mother has passed?
EVA
She died a few years back. The people of Craphvia miss her a great deal.
CORBICHOVICH
She
is a saint gone to heaven.
CAMI
She
must have been very special.
CORBICHOVICH
She
was so beautiful… just like my Eva.
EVA
Oh,
daddy. No one was as beautiful as her.
CORBICHOVICH
Eva. Ride with me to the hotel and we will talk.
EVA
I’m
afraid we’re stuck here.
CORBICHOVICH
What?
(STACY enters L)
EVA
It’s
a snowstorm…
RICK
The roads are closed…
CORBICHOVICH
What?!
RICK
The roads…
CORBICHOVICH
I
heard you!
STACY
Please,
sir. Calm down. We’ll figure something out.
EVA
I think we’ll just have to relax here until the snow melts.
CORBICHOVICH
I
want that snow gone now. I will not
stay here.
STACY
I’ll
see what I can do. Meanwhile, we’ll do
what we can to make you comfortable while you wait.
CAMI
(Snuggles up to him)
Very
comfortable.
CORBICHOVICH
(Laughs and winks at
CAMI)
Oh,
yes. I suppose we could stay here a
little while.
CAMI
There’s
just so much to show you. I’ll plan to
give you the full treatment.
CORBICHOVICH
Oh,
that would be nice.
CAMI
I’ll
give you everything you deserve… and then some.
CORBICHOVICH
Oh,
I like this girl. You may take me on a
tour now.
CAMI
Certainly.
(CORBICHOVICH exits with
CAMI)
RICK
I
thought I’d never say this, but thank goodness for Cami.
EVA
I
haven’t seen anybody handle him that well since mother.
STACY
This
is all going wrong. Rick, where’s those
banners?
RICK
I’m
sorry, Ms. Toredovich, but I didn’t have time…
STACY
What
were you doing?
EVA
He was talking to me.
STACY
And
who are you? One of his cheap chicks
from the dance club?
RICK
Ms.
Toredovich. This is Eva Corbichovich.
STACY
Yeah,
right and I’m lady liberty.
EVA
Nice
to meet you, Ms. Liberty. Daddy will be
happy to know you’ve given me such a warm welcome.
STACY
You’re
not kidding, are you?
RICK
Nope.
STACY
(A look of terror. Then does a fake laugh)
Well,
I was just kidding you. I’m such a
kidder.
EVA
Yes,
very funny. Daddy will find it very
amusing.
STACY
That’s
okay. Oh, you don’t need to tell
him.
EVA
Don’t worry. I’m sure daddy will
understand. First, the snowstorm. I know and you know that you have no control
over snow, but daddy doesn’t think that way.
And insulting his daughter. His
last remnant of the woman he cherished more than life…
(To RICK)
Hmmm. Daddy hasn’t executed anyone for this level
of incompetence in at least a month.
STACY
Executed?
(Falls to her knees)
Please,
Miss Corbichovich. Show mercy. I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you. You changed your hair color and you had on
sunglasses and… I’m so sorry.
EVA
Tell
you what. I am a fair woman. I will ask Rick here to tell me if you are a
fair person. If he says you are fair,
then I will be fair.
STACY
(Goes to RICK)
Rick,
please. Tell Miss Corbichovich that I’m
a fair person and I’ll give you whatever you want.
RICK
Anything?
STACY
Anything.
EVA
Go
on, Rick. Tell the lady what you
want. She said anything and she is the
regional director.
RICK
Well,
this is a rather unique opportunity.
What should I ask for? Maybe an
extra vacation day?
EVA
Think
big, Rick.
RICK
I
hear the manager of our
STACY
(Annoyed)
Let’s
not get carried away here.
EVA
What was that?
STACY
(Cowers. Whispers to RICK)
Yes,
whatever you want. Please, just help me
out.
RICK
I
believe Ms. Toredovich is a fair woman.
In fact, she is so happy with my work that she has decided to make me
the AirCraphvia Amarillo manager.
EVA
(Pats STACY on the back)
Excellent
choice. AirCraphvia is lucky to have
him.
STACY
So
you won’t tell your father?
EVA
As
long as Rick is happy with you, I’ll be happy with you. If I’m happy, then I don’t need to say
anything.
STACY
Thank
you. Thank you so much.
EVA
You
can go away now.
STACY
Yes,
going away now. Bye.
(Exits L)
RICK
That
was so great! Thank you, Eva.
EVA
I
must warn you, Rick. I don’t do favors
for free.
RICK
Oh,
yeah? Then what must I do in return for
this favor?
EVA
Maybe
dinner, dancing, and a little romancing.
RICK
Sounds
good to me.
EVA
And
I think Daddy will be much more amiable to one of his managers dating his
daughter.
STACY
(Reenters R)
Excuse
me…
EVA
I
thought you were going to go away.
STACY
But
I thought of a way to get your father to a hotel.
EVA
How?
STACY
We
have to find some shovels.
RICK
What
for?
STACY
We’re
going to dig a trail to the hotel.
RICK
But
the hotel is two miles away!
STACY
So
we better get started.
EVA
No,
sorry. Rick must stay here and talk to
me. But you may go dig a path. Daddy will be very pleased.
STACY
Do
you think so?
EVA
Yes,
he will be thrilled. Maybe he’ll even
give you a bonus!
STACY
I
better get started then.
(Rushes off excitedly R)
RICK
She’s
nuts. There’s no way she’ll be able to
do it.
EVA
But
it will keep her busy for awhile.
RICK
You
know, I don’t like her much, but it isn’t very nice to send her out there like
that.
EVA
A
man with a conscious… that’s so cute.
RICK
I’m
not trying to be cute.
EVA
You
just can’t help it. I’ll bet the ladies
can’t control themselves around you.
RICK
More
than you know.
EVA
And
men worship me. See, we have so much in
common.
RICK
Men? You mean like lots of men?
EVA
Two
or three… dozen. Maybe more. They are always after me. Wanting my number, wanting my address,
wanting to marry me… It’s no big deal.
RICK
I
thought I had problems.
EVA
Us
beautiful people need to stick together.
(Smiles at RICK) I’m anxious for
daddy to get to know you. I think he
will like you too.
RICK
Here’s
my chance.
CAMI
(Leads CORBICHOVICH in
L)
And
here we have our check in area…
CORBICHOVICH
Hmm,
very modern. In Craphvia, we don’t have
computers at the airport yet. They keep
bugging me to get a radar too but it’s so expensive.
CAMI
(Takes CORBICHOVICH over
to a computer terminal)
This
is where I work.
(She gets in a sexy
pose)
CORBICHOVICH
(Eyes CAMI)
Very
nice.
CAMI
And
that wraps up our tour. Any questions?
CORBICHOVICH
(Looking at CAMI)
Just
one question? Are you free for dinner
tonight?
CAMI
Yes,
and dessert…
(CORBICHOVICH laughs
coyly)
RICK
I
suppose we better get back to work.
CAMI
What for? We’re snowed in. No planes are going in or out.
CORBICHOVICH
Besides,
I think Cami has worked very hard today.
She needs the rest of the day off.
CAMI
Oh, you say the sweetest things, Mr. President.
CORBICHOVICH
Why
so formal? You may call me by my
nickname:
(CAMI giggles and RICK rolls her eyes. STACY stumbles in covered in snow and
shivering)
RICK
Are
you okay?
STACY
C…c…
ccccold.
RICK
I’ll
get you something hot to drink.
(Rushes off R)
CORBICHOVICH
The
snow is bad?
STACY
S…
s… ssssooo bbbbad.
CORBICHOVICH
Are
we stuck here?
STACY
I… I’m
affffraid ssso.
CORBICHOVICH
This
is utterly ridiculous. It’s not supposed
to do this here. How long until it
melts?
STACY
T…
t… tomorrow mmmaybe.
CORBICHOVICH
Tomorrow? This is an outrage. I’m not sleeping in an airport.
RICK
(Returns with cup)
Here’s
some coffee for you.
(STACY drinks)
CAMI
Don’t
worry,
CORBICHOVICH
(Smiles at her)
Well,
maybe it won’t be all bad.
RICK
(To STACY)
Now
if we can keep him occupied with Cami long enough, we’ll survive this.
STACY
I’m
not giving up yet. I’m calling all the
car rentals agencies in town. We’ll find
the biggest SUV they have and drive him out.
RICK
Good
idea. I’ll go call.
EVA
I’ll
come with you.
(RICK and EVA exit R)
STACY
(Looks at hands)
I
need more coffee. I still can’t feel my
fingers.
(STACY exits R)
CAMI
Did
you notice? I think Eva has a thing for
Rick.
CORBICHOVICH
And
I have a thing for you.
(Kisses her hand)
CAMI
I
have a secret.
CORBICHOVICH
Oh,
yes? I like secrets.
CAMI
I
know a way out of here.
CORBICHOVICH
You
do?
CAMI
There’s
an emergency tunnel that connects us to an old bomb shelter. That bomb shelter connects us to several
hotels. We could go get a room…
CORBICHOVICH
Excellent! Let’s go.
CAMI
Follow
me and I’ll be sure to give you a tour you’ll never forget.
(CORBICHOVICH and CAMI exit
L)
ACT II Scene 1 (for two act play)
ACT II Scene 2 (for three act play)
RICK
(Returns from R with
EVA)
Where
did your father go?
EVA
Who
cares?
RICK
Off
with Cami again, no doubt.
EVA
He
is rather taken with her. I haven’t seen
him this enchanted with anyone since mother.
RICK
I
must admit I’m feeling a little enchanted myself.
EVA
(Smiling)
Oh,
really? I hadn’t noticed.
RICK
Do
you think I have a chance with your father?
EVA
You’re
not his type.
RICK
No,
I mean will he like me? Will he let you
see me?
EVA
Actually,
I lied about that.
RICK
What?
EVA
Don’t
be mad, Rick. I tell all the guys that
when I first meet them. You must
understand. It’s my way of letting guys down
gently.
RICK
So
you don’t really like me?
EVA
No,
I do like you. I just had to make sure.
(Circles around and
checks out his rear)
Now
I’m sure.
RICK
I
can’t tell you how happy I am I don’t have to get your father’s
permission. I doubt he’d think much of
me.
EVA
I
don’t care what he thinks. I do what I
want. I’m a liberated woman.
(Motions him closer)
And
I have a secret.
RICK
Yeah?
EVA
I’m
a communist.
RICK
What?!
EVA
Sh,
quiet. I don’t want him to know. Not yet anyway.
RICK
But
your father kills communists.
EVA
Maybe
it’s my way of rebelling or maybe I care about the people of Craphvia. I’m leaning toward the rebelling part.
RICK
Wait. This doesn’t fit. You act like you love money. Communists give it all away.
EVA
Not
the people in power. They are the
richest of all. See, what they do is get
all the people to give up their money to the government to be shared among
everyone. The government collects it all
and then gives some of it back and keeps the rest. It’s the greatest set up since monarchies.
RICK
That’s
horrible.
EVA
Oh,
it’s those cute little ethics again.
RICK
If
you weren’t so incredible, I’m not sure I’d like you very much.
EVA
That
has to be one of the strangest compliments I’ve ever had, but I’ll take it.
RICK
Sorry,
I hope I didn’t offend you…
EVA
It
takes a lot to offend me.
(Looks R)
Oh,
great. Here comes crazy lady. Maybe I’ll go look for daddy.
(Exits L)
STACY
(Returns R)
What’s
going on? Did you find a big SUV?
RICK
No,
all the SUV’s were rented the minute the snow hit.
STACY
I
should have thought about it sooner.
I’m so stupid.
RICK
Don’t
be so hard on yourself. You can’t
predict snow.
STACY
You’re
too kind, Rick.
(Stops)
No,
you’re not too kind. What’s the deal
with Eva?
RICK
What
do you mean?
STACY
She
blackmailed me into giving you the manager’s job.
RICK
Yeah,
sorry about that.
STACY
You
better watch out, buddy, because the minute she takes a dislike to you, you’re
fired.
RICK
Look,
Stacy…
STACY
Ms.
Toredovich…
RICK
Ms.
Toredovich. I’m sorry if we got off on
the wrong foot. I promise you that when
this is all over I will prove to you that I can be as good a manager as any of
your other regional offices.
STACY
(Sighs)
Yes,
we did get off on the wrong foot. What
you did to me was only fair after what I tried to do to you. I can’t believe I was hitting on you like
that.
(Makes fun of herself)
Care
to have some wine with me? Care to take
off your shirt?
RICK
Uh,
you didn’t say that last part.
STACY
That
was for later.
RICK
Oh.
STACY
I’m
kidding. I do joke sometimes despite
what my evil twin said earlier. I
honestly had nothing more planned than a nice drink to calm our nerves. Plus, I do like you. You’re a kind, good-looking man. It’s so hard not to take advantage of my
position.
RICK
Nothing
happened so don’t worry about it.
STACY
And
I won’t hold a grudge about the manager thing.
I’ll give you the same consideration I give my other managers.
RICK
I
appreciate that.
STACY
(Looks around)
Where’s
Corbichovich?
RICK
We
lost track of him.
STACY
You
what?
RICK
I’m
sure he hasn’t gone far.
STACY
Oh,
no. I have to know where he is. What am I going to tell the agents when they
show up?
RICK
The
agents?
STACY
FBI
agents. The FBI is going to monitor
Corbichovich during his visit. They say
he’s had several death threats from the People’s Freedom Revolution Liberation
Party of Craphvia.
RICK
I
keep hearing about those guys. They
certainly have it out for the Corbichovich family.
STACY
I
wish the FBI would get here before something happens… if it hasn’t happened
already.
(Sighs)
I
guess we should go look for him.
RICK
He
can’t have gone far in this snowstorm.
Besides, he’s probably with Cami in some supply closet.
CAMI
(Enters with EVA)
Hi,
everyone.
EVA
I
found her at some store trying to steal some chocolate.
CAMI
I
was going to pay for it.
EVA
But
the store was closed.
CAMI
I was
going to pay when the store opened again tomorrow.
STACY
Where’s
Corbichovich?
CAMI
Beats
me.
EVA
I
thought you were with him.
CAMI
He
was and now he’s not. What’s the big
deal?
STACY
He’s
gone. That’s the big deal.
CAMI
Gone? Where?
STACY
We
don’t know. That’s what we’re trying to
figure out.
RICK
When
did you see him last?
CAMI
He
went to the little dictator’s room and I haven’t seen him since.
EVA
Little
dictator’s room?
RICK
Bathroom.
EVA
What?
RICK
It’s
a joke.
EVA
I
don’t get it.
CAMI
Certainly
not often enough.
EVA
Now
look here…
STACY
Please,
you two. We have a problem here. We need to figure out what’s happened to
Corbichovich.
RICK
Maybe
he’s stuck on the throne. If he forgot
to put down the seat he might really be wedged in there. I’ll check it out.
(RICK exits L)
STACY
First
the snowstorm. Now this. Corbichovich
will have me executed for sure.
CAMI
It
wouldn’t be the first time he executed somebody for something stupid.
EVA
How
can you talk about my daddy that way?
CAMI
Ask him? He wouldn’t deny it. He thinks it’s funny. He was just joking about executing some guy
for painting a palace patio the wrong shade of pink.
EVA
So
daddy goes a little crazy sometimes… you still shouldn’t make fun of him.
STACY
Ladies,
please. Let’s keep this civil okay.
EVA
She
started it.
CAMI
I’ll
finish it too, baby.
EVA
That’s
it.
(Goes after CAMI. STACY stops EVA)
STACY
Will
you stop?!
(Holds EVA as CAMI makes
faces at EVA. EVA struggles to get loose)
I
said stop.
(Slaps EVA)
CAMI
Nice
one.
EVA
(Touches her cheek)
You’re
dead for sure now.
STACY
Go
ahead and make your threats. We’re in
the good old
CAMI
She’s
right, little girl. They throw
foreigners in jail the
EVA
Both
of you are history. The minute Daddy
gets back here, I’ll take care of you.
I’ll have him transfer you both to Craphvia and then strung up.
CAMI
I
wonder if Rick has seen this side of you.
It ain’t pretty.
EVA
That
fool is so smitten I doubt he’d care what I did.
STACY
Rick
is a really nice guy. It’s a shame he’d
waste himself on you.
EVA
Why? Do you think he go for someone like you?
(Laughs)
Talk
about Beauty and the Beast.
CAMI
Please,
let me kill her. We can hide her body in
an airport locker. Nobody ever checks
those things. They’ll never find her.
STACY
Tempting.
RICK
(Reenters L)
No
constipated dictators in the bathroom.
(Sees women looking
annoyed)
Everything
okay?
CAMI
We’re
fine. Just some girl talk.
EVA
This is bad. Now I’m getting
worried. Daddy doesn’t usually disappear
like this.
(Starts to get teary
eyed)
RICK
Please
don’t cry.
(Goes to her)
We’ll
find your father, I promise.
EVA
(Hugs him)
Oh,
thank you, Rick.
(Gives women an acid
look over his shoulder)
At
least someone cares.
RICK
(Takes her hands. Looks deeply into her eyes)
I
do care, very much.
EVA
(Sniffles)
Thank
you, Rick. You are so kind as to give
comfort in my time of loss.
RICK
Come,
I’ll make you some nice warm milk. That
will calm you.
EVA
Or
maybe some cocoa?
RICK
Yes,
I think we have cocoa… I’ll go get it
for you.
(Rushes off R)
EVA
(Looks at STACY and
CAMI)
I was
only pretending to cry. I’m very good,
aren’t I?
(Smiles)
Rick
is so cute.
STACY
(Getting a little
jealous)
I
hadn’t noticed.
EVA
At
least one person is going to keep his job around here. You two could learn a lesson or two from him.
(She follows RICK R)
Coming
Rick!
CAMI
Is
it just me or do you feel like we’re in a soap opera?
STACY
I
don’t want to talk about it.
CAMI
Now
I know it’s a soap opera.
STACY
Can
we change the subject please?
CAMI
So
what do you want to talk about?
STACY
Maybe
you can help me figure out what happened to Corbichovich?
CAMI
The
man is a murderer. I have a hard time
caring.
STACY
Don’t
get all ethical on me please. We have a
job to do here.
CAMI
You
know what? I’m sick and tired of all
this. I quit.
STACY
You
can’t quit.
CAMI
Last
time I checked this isn’t Craphvia. This
is a free country. I can quit if I want
to.
STACY
Fine,
go ahead and quit. Rick and I have
things under control. Who needs you?
CAMI
If
you change your mind, I’ll be eating chocolate over there.
(Exits L)
RICK
(Enters R with cup)
I
make Eva some cocoa and now she doesn’t even want it. Thirsty?
STACY
I’d
love some. Thank you. Just looking at
that snow outside makes me cold.
RICK
So
what do we do now?
STACY
We
have to figure out some way of finding Corbichovich.
RICK
We’ve
checked all over the entire airport. I
don’t know where else we can look.
STACY
Let’s
assume he didn’t wander off into the snow.
RICK
Good
assumption. He didn’t seem to like the
snow much.
STACY
So
that means someone had to take him hostage and hide him in the airport
somewhere.
RICK
Okay,
but who would do that?
STACY
Not
counting the dozen or so strangers in the airport at this late hour, that
leaves four suspects.
RICK
Four?
STACY
Eva,
Cami, you and I. But I’m assuming you
and I didn’t do it.
RICK
Why
not us?
STACY
What
would be our motivation?
RICK
You
know that Corbichovich might fire you since you treated his daughter so badly.
STACY
But
if Corbichovich disappears, EVA becomes the new Craphvian leader. She hates me more than him. I’d rather take my chances with the old
dictator.
RICK
Good
point.
STACY
Then
there’s you. If you think about it, you
have a motive too.
RICK
Not
really.
STACY
Actually
you do now that I think about it.
RICK
I
do not.
STACY
If Eva
becomes the new Craphvian leader, she could advance you more quickly through
the ranks of AirCraphvia.
RICK
Okay,
you’ve got a point. But I didn’t do
it. Honest.
STACY
And
neither did I.
RICK
Fine. What about our two other suspects? Cami doesn’t seem to have much of a motive.
STACY
Nor
the brains to back her up.
CAMI
(Enters L)
Someone
talking about me? I feel my ears
burning.
RICK
We’re
trying to figure out what happened to Corbichovich.
CAMI
And
you think I did it?
STACY
No,
you have fewer motives than Rick here.
CAMI
So
Rick did it? Shame on you.
RICK
No,
I didn’t do it.
CAMI
I’ll
bet it was that Eva girl.
RICK
Would
Eva abduct her own father?
STACY
I agree
with Cami. She’s our most likely
suspect.
RICK
But
she wouldn’t…
(He stops, unsure)
CAMI
See,
you agree with us.
STACY
It
makes sense RICK. She stands to gain
the most from her father’s disappearance.
RICK
I
wish I could defend her, but from what I’ve already learned about her…
CAMI
Poor,
Rick. He doesn’t want his sweetie to be
a ruthless kidnapper.
RICK
How
can someone so beautiful do such an ugly thing?
CAMI
It’s
hard to be beautiful and have a heart of gold.
(Smiles)
I’m
lucky I guess.
STACY
So
our main suspects is Eva. Once the FBI
gets here...
CAMI
FBI?!
RICK
(Hushes her)
Shh. Keep it down, Cami.
(Looks around. No one is around)
CAMI
Why
is the FBI coming here?
STACY
To
protect Corbichovich.
CAMI
Well,
they're a bit late for that.
RICK
What
are they going to do if they get here and find out he's gone?
STACY
Arrest
us as suspects no doubt.
CAMI
Maybe
that snow isn't so bad. I think I'll be
going.
RICK
You're
staying here to help us look for Corbichovich.
STACY
I
suggest we divide and conquer. Cami and
I will question people in the airport.
Rick, you talk to Eva.
RICK
But
that could be dangerous if she's the one who did it. What if she gets suspicious?
STACY
If
he disappears, then we’ll know we found the right person.
RICK
That
doesn’t make me feel better.
STACY
I’ll
try to be nearby in case something happens.
RICK
Why
do I have to talk to her?
STACY
I
think you’re the only one she’ll talk to.
CAMI
She
don’t like us too much.
RICK
Okay,
fine.
STACY
Good
luck. Let's go, Cami.
(CAMI and STACY exit R)
RICK
What
am I going to say to Eva? Judging by
what she has already told me she’s a good suspect. I know she’s part of some communist
movement. Plus if her father
disappears, she becomes the next dictator with all the power and money that
goes along with it.
EVA
There
you are, Rick.
RICK
(Nervous)
Oh,
hi, Eva.
RICK
Guess
I better get back to work.
(Heads for computer)
EVA
(Stops RICK)
Come
talk with me. I’m bored.
RICK
Eva…
EVA
(Bats her eyes)
Yes,
Rick?
RICK
I
don’t know how to say this…
EVA
What’s
wrong?
RICK
There’s
something I’ve been wondering…
EVA
Perhaps
you were wondering why I’m so beautiful, so talented, so… sexy.
(Moves close)
RICK
(Flustered)
Uh…
well…
EVA
(Sighs and backs off)
Tell
me what’s going on.
RICK
Might
as well get to the point.
EVA
Please.
RICK
Did
you abduct your father?
EVA
That’s
what you’re worried about?
RICK
You
do stand to gain the most from his disappearance.
EVA
You
know how long a dictator lasts in Craphvia?
If I were lucky, I’d be president for a year before someone made me
disappear.
RICK
But
your father’s army?
EVA
They
won’t be loyal to me, especially after they find out I’m a communist.
RICK
I
thought you were going to lead some glorious revolution for the people.
EVA
It
sounded good until daddy disappeared.
Now I’m not so sure. Maybe I’ll
just put some other communist leader in charge and let them get killed.
RICK
But
what about all that money you’ve dreamed of?
EVA
I’ll
be sure to take all that with me. The
communists won’t be needing it.
RICK
That
means you still have a motive. Money.
EVA
Rick,
I’m not a good person like you, but I’m no kidnapper.
(Moves in closer)
Is
there anything I can do to convince you?
RICK
I…
I don’t think that’s a good idea.
EVA
But
aren’t you attracted to me?
RICK
You’re
good looking and all, but you certainly don’t have a heart of gold.
EVA
(Moves away from RICK)
So
I’m not a saint like my mother. So
what? I got her looks and daddy
cunning.
RICK
Have
you done anything as horrible as your father?
EVA
I’ve
stabbed plenty of people in the back but never with a knife. I’m an actress. Cunning comes in handy.
(Looks off R)
Oh,
there's Stacy and Cami, coming to spoil all our fun.
STACY
Hi,
you two. What’s going on? Everything okay?
EVA
It
was fine until you two came along.
CAMI
I
told you nothing was wrong. Let's go.
EVA
What
do you mean? Were you watching us?
STACY
(Giving CAMI a dirty
look)
No,
we were not.
CAMI
No,
we were just watching out for Rick.
EVA
What's
going on here?
STACY
Fine,
look. Since we've totally messed this
up, let's be honest with her.
EVA
Honest
with me? About what?
(They look at each
other. RICK sighs)
RICK
We
decided you are the one who took Corbichovich so they wanted me to get you to
confess about it.
EVA
I
already told you. I didn't do it.
(STACY and CAMI are
suspicious. EVA looks at RICK)
You
believe me, don't you?
RICK
Yes,
I believe you.
CAMI
Rick,
Rick, Rick. The flesh is weak...
EVA
Look. Instead of fighting why don't we help each
other figure this out. If I do anything
strange, you can take me to security.
STACY
Fine,
fine. But you watch yourself...
CAMI
Yeah...
you be careful or else.
EVA
Or
else what?
CAMI
(Thinks)
Or
no chocolates for you.
(Smiles)
Speaking
of... I'm going to go find me some.
(Exits L)
STACY
She
has a one-track mind.
RICK
So
if we eliminate Eva has our suspected kidnapper…
STACY
I
didn’t know we did.
EVA
Since
we’re pointing fingers, what about you, Ms. Regional Manager?
STACY
Me? I don’t have a motive.
EVA
(Circles round STACY
giving a good look over)
Not
that is obvious to us. But if we do some
digging, maybe we can find something.
STACY
I
have nothing to hide.
EVA
Hey,
Rick. Haven’t you noticed those strange
bulges in her skirt?
STACY
Excuse
me? Just because I don’t work out with
a personal trainer like you doesn’t give you the right to make comments on my
hips.
EVA
Drop
the act. You’re hiding something.
(Goes at her)
STACY
(Holds her off)
Hands
off.
RICK
(Tries to get in between
them)
Ladies,
please!
(The three fall behind counter. Fight can have the occasional person pop up
only to be pulled down again. After a
moment of screaming and yelling, EVA jumps out victorious)
EVA
I
knew it. You have a gun.
RICK
(Comes out)
A
gun?
STACY
(Comes out zipping up
her skirt)
Give
me that.
EVA
(Keeps gun)
What
are you doing with a gun?
STACY
This
is
EVA
No
way. I’m calling security.
STACY
Fine. Go right ahead.
(EVA walks off to side,
pulls out a cell phone and calls)
RICK
(To STACY)
You’re
not even from
STACY
I
had orders from the big guys to keep Corbichovich safe by any mean
necessary. That means I need to be
prepared.
(EVA comes back very
annoyed)
No
luck with security?
EVA
They
said you had special clearance or something.
STACY
May
I have the gun back now?
EVA
(Thinks)
How
about a game of Craphvian roulette?
RICK
Is
that like Russian roulette?
STACY
It
is except in Craphvian roulette you only take out one bullet instead of leaving
only one in. The odds aren’t very good.
RICK
I
wouldn’t think so.
EVA
Wanna
play?
STACY
If
you go first.
EVA
(Hands back gun)
You’re
no fun.
STACY
Back
to searching for your father.
EVA
Again? We looked everywhere except outside in the
snow.
STACY
I
have a shovel if you want to search there too.
RICK
Have
you checked the security tapes?
STACY
Great
idea. They have cameras everywhere.
Let’s go.
(They exit as lights fade
to black)
ACT II Scene 2
(for two act play)
ACT III Scene
1 (for three act play)
(Same setting as ACT I,
Scene 1)
RICK
What
do we do now? We've searched
everywhere. And security isn’t done
looking over the tapes. I’m going crazy
waiting for something to happen.
EVA
Maybe
we should check out my father’s luggage for clues.
RICK
Good
idea. I’ll go get them.
(RICK exits R)
EVA
He
hops right to it, doesn’t he? He’d make
a good servant.
STACY
Servant? That’s all you can see him doing? He was way more potential than that.
EVA
Hardly. He comes from a poor family. Farm workers!
I can’t imagine anything worse than doing a job in the dirt.
STACY
Wait
a minute. You act like you really have a
thing for him.
EVA
Act. That’s all I’m doing.
STACY
So
you don’t like, Rick?
EVA
I
like him for what he can do for me right now.
When he no longer can serve a function, I’ll move on.
STACY
I
don’t know if I should boo or applaud.
EVA
(Smiles)
You
understand then don’t you? Men serve a
purpose, but hang around way too long after they’ve served that purpose. Navajo women have it right. I spent a lot of time on the reservation
preparing for my last role in a tv movie.
See I was playing this latino woman captured by Indians in the early
1800’s…
STACY
Is
there a point to this story?
EVA
(Annoyed)
Yes,
I’ll get to the point. See, the Navajo
women own their homes, they are in charge of the family and when they are tired
of the men, they put their belongings on the doorstep and send them on their
way.
STACY
I
think someone was pulling your leg. That
can’t be real.
EVA
Who
cares? I like the idea. Stories can speak the truth and later become
reality.
STACY
I’m
getting the impression that reality is not your strong point.
EVA
Many
great leaders didn’t face reality. If
Napoleon had faced the reality that he was too short, he never would have been
a great leader. If Martin Luther King
hadn’t had a dream…
STACY
You’re
no Martin Luther King, Jr.
EVA
You’re
missing my point.
STACY
I
don’t need a point. I need a drink.
(Exits R as RICK enters
with two suitcases)
RICK
(Sets suitcases DC)
What’s
with Stacy?
EVA
Who
cares?
(Opens one suitcase)
Let’s
see what we can find that might help us.
RICK
(Can’t open other
suitcase)
Do
you know the combination to this one?
EVA
RICK
(Gets it open)
That’s
not very clever.
EVA
Actually
it is. No one would think he’d use such
a stupid combination.
RICK
(Pulls out weird objects
such as a rubber duck, whip, bunny slippers)
What
is all this stuff?
EVA
So
he has a few quirks. Who doesn’t?
RICK
(Pulls out pink bra)
Um…
well… can’t say I have anything like this in my wardrobe.
EVA
(Holds up envelope)
Here’s
something.
(Reads outside)
To
Eva. Open in case of emergency…
RICK
Open
it. I think this qualifies as an
emergency.
EVA
I
guess so.
(Opens envelope and
reads letter)
Dear
Eva. If you open this envelope, I must
be in danger or dead. You must…
(Stops reading)
RICK
What
does it say?
EVA
(Puts letter away)
Nothing.
RICK
Come
on, Eva. It could be important.
EVA
It’s
private okay? I don’t want to tell you.
(Holds letter behind her
back)
RICK
How
can I help you and your father if you won’t let me?
(CAMI enters L with bag
of chocolates)
EVA
We don’t need any help.
CAMI
(Snatches envelope)
What’s
this?
EVA
Give
that back.
CAMI
(Takes letter from
envelope and EVA tries to grab it)
Dearest
Baby Girl…
EVA
It
doesn’t say that.
CAMI
This
is interesting.
RICK
What?
EVA
(Stares daggers at
RICK)
Who’s
side are you on?
RICK
You
made it pretty clear I’m not on your side.
CAMI
If I were you, Rick, I’d get on her side.
(Holds out letter)
She’s
just been made the dictator of Craphvia.
(EVA snatches letter
away)
RICK
That’s
what you didn’t want to reveal.
EVA
But
it’s only temporary until father is found.
CAMI
If
he’s ever found.
EVA
I appreciate you trying to make me feel better.
CAMI
You
have just been made one of the most powerful women in Craphvia and you want me to
feel sorry for you?
EVA
But
I don’t want it…
RICK
Is
there someone else that could do it?
EVA
The
letter says I’m the only one he trusts.
I must do it until we know his fate.
If he’s only missing and I turn over the government to someone else, he
may never get power back again.
CAMI
Would
that be so bad?
EVA
Yes,
it would. You may not like my daddy,
but Craphvia has had worse dictators.
CAMI
True. But they’ve also had better.
RICK
And
you want to change things, Eva. You told
me. This is your chance to make a
switch. Appoint someone who will help
the people and bring stability to the land.
EVA
Sorry,
all those people are dead. Daddy
couldn’t stand peaceniks.
CAMI
Then
have a free election. It works for other
countries. Let the people decide.
EVA
We
have elections.
CAMI
But
only for specially selected voters.
RICK
Specially
selected? You mean everyone can’t vote
in Craphvia?
EVA
No,
daddy must certify people before they vote.
RICK
I
take it not everyone can get certified.
EVA
So
he doesn’t let a few people vote.
CAMI
Yeah,
no communists, socialists, Marxists, environmentalists, anarchists, pacifists,
or capitalists.
EVA
See,
only a few people.
RICK
Come
on, that’s got to mean everyone.
EVA
But
it makes the elections very easy.
CAMI
The
elections are so small they do a hand count.
RICK
This
is hopeless. How does that country
survive?
CAMI
It takes
a lickin’ and keep on tickin’.
RICK
Then
you’ll have to make the changes, Eva.
You’ll have to bring peace to your people.
CAMI
You’re
barking up the wrong tree, honey. She
about as likely to bring peace to Craphvia as I am to give up chocolate.
EVA
You
don’t know me as well as you think you do.
CAMI
Oh,
really? Can you honestly tell me you
didn’t immediately start thinking of all your daddy’s money when he turned up
missing?
RICK
She’s
got you there.
EVA
You’re
not helping, Rick.
RICK
Fine,
I’ll be over at my terminal if you need anything.
CAMI
Are
you ever nice to anyone?
EVA
Nice
is what you do when you want something.
CAMI
Nice
is a way of living, playing, being… You could stand to learn about it. Not only would it make you a better leader,
but it would make you a better person.
Imagine how much better this world would be if everyone tried to be
nice.
EVA
What
are you, my mother?
CAMI
I
wish I were your mother. I’d turn you
over my knee and give you a good swat on the backside.
EVA
I’d
like to see you try it.
CAMI
Or
maybe a good slap across the face would do.
EVA
Try
it and you’ll be sorry.
CAMI
(Sarcastic)
Oh,
I’m so scared.
EVA
You
should be.
CAMI
Grow
up, Eva. We’re not servants you can boss
around like at home. We have our own
thoughts and feelings. You can’t
control us here.
EVA
Want
to bet?
CAMI
What
do you mean?
EVA
I
still have a heightened level of control over a certain male population.
CAMI
(Looks at RICK)
I’ll
bet Rick will get real tired of you soon.
He’ll see through you like a bad pair of fishnet stockings.
EVA
(Eyes narrowing at CAMI)
Do
we have a bet?
CAMI
Sure.
(They shake)
This
should be interesting.
EVA
Watch
and learn.
(Gets all teary
eyed. Wanders near RICK)
Oh,
what will I do? I’ve lost my father… I’m
all alone here…
RICK
Eva? Are you okay?
Can I get you some more cocoa?
EVA
My
pain is more than any cocoa could cure.
RICK
Your
really upset aren’t you? Was it
something Cami said?
EVA
She
said I hated my daddy. That’s not
true. I loved him. I really did.
RICK
I
know. It’s okay. Cami didn’t mean it.
EVA
No,
she’s right. I act like I don’t love
him. I’m a horrible daughter. And now he’s gone and I’ll never get to tell
him I love him.
(Cries and RICK holds
her)
RICK
Poor,
Eva.
(Let’s go of EVA and
goes to CAMI annoyed)
How
could you upset her like this, Cami?
CAMI
Rick,
don’t you think this fit of hers came on a little suddenly?
RICK
Yes. What did you say?
CAMI
Rick,
it’s all an act. Can’t you see that?
(EVA cries louder)
RICK
(Goes to her)
Is there
anything I can do?
EVA
Bring
me my daddy.
RICK
We’re
trying, Eva.
EVA
You
don’t realize what you have until it’s gone.
RICK
I
wish I knew where he was. I would be the
first to help him if I could.
EVA
What
if we never find him?
RICK
We’ll
find him. I promise.
EVA
You’re so good to me, Rick. I could use
a man like you at my side.
(She smiles coyly at
him)
RICK
Wha…
what do you mean?
EVA
How
would you like to come to Craphvia with me?
RICK
Me? In Craphvia?
EVA
I’ll
make you the CEO of AirCraphvia. You can
become very rich.
RICK
CEO? But then I’d have to leave my family.
EVA
Rick,
you could help your family beyond your wildest dreams. You’d all be very rich. That would make him happy, no?
RICK
Yes,
it would.
EVA
Then,
come with me. I will make you very happy
too.
(She closes her eyes and leans in to kiss him. He goes to kiss her and she turns so he
kisses her cheek)
Thank
you, Rick. I feel much better. I’d like some more cocoa now.
RICK
Sure,
right away.
(Exits R)
EVA
(Smiles at CAMI)
See. I told you.
CAMI
Give
it time. He’ll see through it.
EVA
I
don’t know… power, riches, a beautiful woman… what more could a guy want?
CAMI
A
genuine, long lasting relationship?
EVA
Yeah,
right.
(They laugh together)
CAMI
It’ll
get to him soon. You’ve got him running
around like a servant boy.
EVA
But
what else are men good for?
CAMI
You’ve
got a point there.
EVA
Can
you honestly tell me you’ve never used a man to get what you want?
CAMI
Could
we change the subject?
EVA
See,
you’re not that different from me.
CAMI
(Sadly)
Maybe
I’m not.
EVA
At
least I’m honest with myself.
CAMI
I
think you owe it to Rick to be honest with him.
He’s such a sweet guy.
EVA
He
does seem more genuine than most.
RICK
(Enters with cocoa)
Here
it is.
EVA
Thank
you, Rick.
(Sips)
I
feel better already.
CAMI
(STACY enters with coffee mug in hand)
There
you are, Stacy. Any leads?
STACY
I’m
having security check the surveillance tapes.
We should find out something soon.
CAMI
That
reminds me. I need a little pick me
up. I’m heading up to the lounge.
STACY
You’re
on duty, Cami.
CAMI
Nope. I quit, remember. See ya!
EVA
I
could use something myself. I’m buying.
CAMI
Now
you’re speaking my language.
(They exit L)
STACY
Cami
has no sense of loyalty.
RICK
I’ve
been working overtime too. Maybe I
should join them.
STACY
Not
you too? Please don’t leave me. I can’t make it through this without you.
RICK
So
you don’t think I’m as useless as you did when you first arrived?
STACY
Rick,
I know I’ve a real pain since we met… but I’ve gotten to like you… You’re a
hard worker and a good person who wants what is best for his customers and his
company. I’ll definitely recommend you
for any future promotions.
RICK
Thank
you. That means a lot to me.
STACY
Now
if I can only get through this day.
RICK
It
has been a bit nightmare-ish, hasn’t it?
STACY
Any
new developments while I was gone?
RICK
Oh,
wow. You won’t believe this. Eva was just made the new President of
Craphvia.
STACY
She
was? How?
RICK
Her
father left a message for her in his suitcase.
If anything should happen to him, the letter says she is to be president
in his place.
RICK
That
means she’s your new boss.
STACY
Oh,
dear.
EVA
(Enters L)
That
Cami is so rude. Expecting me to
pay. I decided coffee sounded
better.
(Smiles at RICK)
Could
you get me some coffee?
RICK
Okay…
(Exits R)
STACY
(To EVA)
I
heard the good news. So you’re the new
President?
EVA
You’re
fired.
STACY
What?
(RICK reenters R with
coffee)
EVA
You’re
fired. You’re nothing but a pathetic
suck up and I don’t like you. Rick,
you’re the new regional director.
Congratulations.
RICK
(Shocked)
But…
Eva… I can’t…
EVA
You can and you will. You’ll no doubt do
better than her.
RICK
Please,
Eva. Stacy’s been under a lot of
pressure. I know she’ll do better.
EVA
The
best she can hope for is a quick execution.
RICK
Eva,
I’m happy being the
EVA
Or
a very rich CEO?
STACY
CEO? Of AirCraphvia?
EVA
Yes,
wouldn’t RICK make a good CEO?
STACY
But
he… he…
EVA
(Gives her a stern look)
He
what?
STACY
(Sad)
He’ll
do a great job.
RICK
Fine. Then the first thing I’ll do as CEO is make
Stacy regional director again.
STACY
Really,
Rick? You’re so wonderful.
EVA
She
can’t be regional direct if she’s being executed.
RICK
Eva…
STACY
No,
Rick. I can handle this.
(Confronts EVA)
Now
look here you spoiled little excuse for a dictator. One more threat out of you like that and I’ll
have those FBI over here so fast… I know a thing or two about you and your
family. I didn’t get to be regional
director without knowing some secrets about the Corbichovich family. Even think about that? Just try something and you’ll go down… hard. Real hard.
(EVA is speechless and
backs off)
EVA
Look,
Stacy. Can I call you Stacy? I’m sorry if I offended you. I tend to be a bit of a bully. But hey, let’s not fight. Like Rick said, we’re all under a lot of
pressure. Sorry, okay?
STACY
Okay.
EVA
(Smiles)
Let
me get my daddy’s suitcases cleaned up for you.
(Picks up suitcases and
exits R)
RICK
(Aside to STACY)
Wow,
you must know some serious secrets to scare Eva like that.
STACY
(Snickers)
No,
not really. I was just bluffing.
RICK
(Smiles)
You
convinced me.
STACY
I can’t
let her push us around like that.
RICK
I
need to stand up to her too. She’s got
me running around like some kind of servant boy.
EVA
(Enters R)
Security
gave me these.
(Holds out envelope to
STACY)
STACY
The
security tape printouts.
(Hands them to RICK)
Oh,
I can’t look.
RICK
You
won’t believe this one.
(Hands the printouts to
STACY)
STACY
It’s
not me, is it?
(Shocked when she sees
it)
It’s…
it’s…
EVA
What? Who is it?
STACY
(Hands over printouts)
You
won’t believe it.
EVA
Oh,
I believe it…
RICK
It’s
Cami.
EVA
I
knew she was suspicious.
STACY
What
about Corbichovich? Do the printouts
show where she stashed him?
RICK
She
must have tampered with the cameras in the basement. She went down there with him and
disappeared.
(Starts to exit L)
I’ll
go check it out.
EVA
My
brave boy.
(She blows a kiss and him. He smiles then rushes off. STACY rolls her eyes)
I
guess he should be careful. Cami is
probably ready for him.
CAMI
(Enters L with gun at
RICK’s head)
How
right you are.
STACY
Cami? What’s going on here?
CAMI
I
am working for the People’s Freedom Revolution Liberation Party of
Craphvia. We can no longer stand to have
this dictator strip our people of their liberties. We can no longer stand to have him lord over
us. We can…
EVA
We
get the idea.
CAMI
You’re
just as bad as he is.
EVA
Why,
thank you. I’ll take that as a
compliment.
CAMI
We
have plans for you as well.
EVA
(Sarcastically)
Oh,
I’m so scared.
CAMI
The
PFRLP will not stop until Chiru is free of all tyranny.
EVA
That’s
all terribly touching. I’m inspired,
aren’t all of you?
CAMI
Careful,
honey or your boyfriend here will get it.
EVA
That’s
okay. There’s more fish in the sea, as
they say.
RICK
What? Eva?
CAMI
Poor,
Rick. Eva doesn’t like you anymore. That’s okay.
You can be my little prisoner.
I’ll probably treat you better than that she-devil anyway.
EVA
Watch
it or I’ll…
CAMI
(Points gun at EVA)
Or
you’ll what…
EVA
Be
very annoyed…
(Backs off)
STACY
So
what do you plan to do now?
CAMI
(Makes RICK sit
downstage)
I shall
simply await my orders.
STACY
So
you’re not here alone?
CAMI
Maybe,
maybe not.
(STACY moves closer.
CAMI waves her gun at STACY)
Try
it, Stacy. I’m ready for you.
STACY
Just
give yourself up, Cami. We’ve got
you.
CAMI
As long
as I have Corbichovich tucked away, I’m not too worried. My sacrifice is a small one.
EVA
(Pulls STACY aside)
We’ve
got to distract her so someone can jump her.
STACY
I’ve
got an idea.
(Picks up magazine from
check-in desk)
Look,
Cami! The new Russel Stoffer catalog!
CAMI
(Turns excitedly)
Really?
STACY
(Jumps at gun)
Got
it!
EVA
Don’t
let her go!
(RICK grabs CAMI from
behind)
CAMI
(Stomps on RICK’s foot
with her spike heel)
Take
that!
(RICK crumbles in pain)
EVA
(Lunges at her)
I
got her.
CAMI
Do
you?
(She steps aside and she
crashes to the ground)
STACY
(Points CAMI’s gun at
her)
Hold
it!
CAMI
Ha! It’s not loaded.
(CAMI rushes off as fast
as possible in her heels)
EVA
After
her!
(EVA and RICK rush after
CAMI)
STACY
She’s
not getting far in those heels.
RICK
(Off)
Watch
it!
(A big smack is heard off stage)
STACY
Careful!
EVA
Got
her!
(Drags in CAMI by the hair. EVA forces CAMI into a chair. RICK follows)
STACY
(Goes to CAMI)
Now
tell us where Corbichovich is being held.
CAMI
I'm
not telling you anything.
RICK
(Steps in and shoos
STACY aside)
Let
me handle this.
(Takes candy bar from
his pocket)
Look
what I got Cami.
CAMI
What?
RICK
It’s
a chocolate chitlin bar.
CAMI
Oooh,
my favorite.
RICK
I’ll
give it to you…
(Holds out candy bar
then snatches it away when she reaches for it)
…
if you tell us where Corbichovich is.
CAMI
(To self)
Be
strong, be strong. You don’t need that
chocolate…
RICK
Suit
yourself. I’ll just have to eat it all
by my lonesome.
(Starts to unwrap it)
CAMI
Look
away, Cami. Don’t look.
(Tries to ignore RICK but can’t. RICK is about to take a bite)
Okay!
Okay! I’ll talk!
RICK
I
thought you might.
(Dangles chocolate in front of CAMI. CAMI reaches for it but EVA holds her back)
CAMI
Give
it to me!
RICK
First,
tell us where Corbichovich is.
CAMI
First,
the chocolate…
RICK
No
deal.
(Opens his mouth)
CAMI
No! I’ll tell.
He’s locked in the old bomb shelter.
RICK
The
bomb shelter. Of course.
(Points L)
The
entrance is close by. The yellow bomb
shelter signs point the way.
STACY
I’ll
go check it out.
(STACY rushes out L.
CAMI snatches away chocolate bar and eats happily)
EVA
(To RICK)
For
that, you deserve something special.
Dinner perhaps?
(EVA is so busy paying attention to RICK that CAMI
has snuck out)
RICK
Uh,
Eva?
EVA
Yes?
RICK
She’s
getting away.
EVA
That
must have hurt. I guess we better stop
her… again.
(Starts to go L)
RICK
(Stops her)
How
could you say that about me?
EVA
What?
RICK
That
I was replaceable. That Cami could just
shoot me.
EVA
I
didn’t say that. Can we discuss this
later? She’s getting away.
RICK
Actually,
I’m starting to think maybe I’m after the wrong person. Is she really the bad guy?
EVA
What
are you talking about?
RICK
Cami’s
part of a people’s revolt against oppression.
She wants her people to be free.
You support an evil ruler that wants to hurt anyone that doesn’t bow to
his will.
EVA
But
I didn’t break the law. If I don’t break
the law, then I’m not the bad guy.
RICK
Then
maybe the law is wrong.
CAMI
(Reenters L)
Aren’t
you going to chase me, Rick?
EVA
Why
are you still here?
CAMI
I
forgot about the snow. All I can do is run
up and down the airport lobby and I hate running. I was hoping Rick would catch me again. That’s more fun.
EVA
Tie
her up will you.
RICK
Do
it yourself.
CAMI
Oh,
what’s this? A little domestic
squabble?
(To EVA)
Looks
like your girlish charm didn’t work on old Rick. You lost our little bet, didn’t you?
EVA
Shut
up, you peasant trash…
RICK
Bet? What bet?
CAMI
Eva
here bet you would fall for her beauty no matter what she did too you. I bet you’d see through her false front.
RICK
Seems
I have.
EVA
Rick,
please don’t listen to her.
RICK
How
about I don’t listen to either one of you?
CAMI
Hey,
Eva? Care to try some of my perfume?
(Holds out bottle)
EVA
(Goes at CAMI)
Look
here you little…
(CAMI sprays her and she
passes out)
RICK
What
did you do?
CAMI
This…
(Sprays RICK and he
passes out)
So
sad we couldn’t be on the same side, Rick.
You’d be a great rebel.
(Puts EVA on a baggage cart and rushes her off R.)
The
dictator and his daughter. What a day.
(STACY enters L and finds
RICK on the floor)
STACY
Rick? Are you okay?
RICK
(Groggy)
Uh,
my head. What happened?
STACY
I
don’t know. Where’s Eva?
RICK
(Remembers)
Eva? Oh, no.
Cami took her.
(Struggles to get up)
STACY
How?
RICK
She
sprayed us with some kind of knock out gas.
That’s all I remember.
STACY
Where’s
those FBI agents? They’re supposed to be
here by now. Stupid snow storm.
RICK
Didn’t
you go to find Corbichovich?
STACY
I
couldn’t find him either.
CAMI
(Enters with gun)
That’s
because I took care of them.
STACY
I
assume that’s loaded this time.
CAMI
Maybe
it is, maybe it isn’t. Care to find
out?
STACY
Not
really.
CAMI
Now
that I have Eva and
STACY
How? What about all the snow?
CAMI
I
rented the last SUV this afternoon. I
have the Corbichovichs in the SUV now.
We’re ready to go.
RICK
What
about us? What are you going to
do?
CAMI
I’ll
have to tie you up in the bomb shelter.
Maybe somebody will find you, maybe they won’t. As long as it buys me time to get away.
STACY
Sorry,
I can’t let you do that.
CAMI
I’d
like to see you stop me.
(STACY either kicks gun
out of CAMI’s hand or wrestles it away)
Ow,
I think you broke a nail.
STACY
(Picks up gun)
This
gun isn’t even loaded.
CAMI
I
keep meaning to get some bullets.
(She holds up small box)
But
I have this!
RICK
What
is it?
CAMI
A
trigger for the bombs I rigged in the SUV that has Corbichovich and his
daughter inside. One move and I blow
them sky high.
STACY
But
I have this!
RICK
What
is it?
STACY
A
jamming device to keep her device from working.
CAMI
Let’s
find out if you device works as well as mine.
(STACY and CAMI throw
their switches. Nothing happens)
RICK
I
don’t hear an explosion. I assume that’s
good news.
CAMI
(Throws device on floor
and stomps on it)
Stupid
piece of cheap terrorist black market crap!
STACY
(Pulls out radio)
All
secure. You may bring in the
Corbichovichs.
RICK
What's
going on Stacy?
STACY
(Pulls out a badge)
FBI.
RICK
So
you're not the regional director?
STACY
Afraid
not.
RICK
Cami
is a communist rebel and you’re an FBI agent.
Am I the only one around here without a secret identity?
STACY
I’m
sorry I had to deceive you like that.
RICK
So
all this was a cover?
STACY
I
had to keep you in the dark. We only
knew that it was an AirCraphvia employee that was the terrorist. I had to suspect everyone.
RICK
So
seducing me was all a part of your plan?
STACY
Sometimes
sexual advances can be used to gain information from possible suspects.
RICK
So
it was all an act?
STACY
Well,
I may have enjoyed it a little.
CAMI
You
two seem to be hitting it off. How about
I leave you two alone.
STACY
Not
so fast.
(Pulls out handcuffs as
CORBICHOVICH enters R with EVA)
Let’s
go, Cami.
CAMI
I
hope you’re happy. You’ve managed to crush
our one chance at freedom for our people.
CORBICHOVICH
Maybe
not.
CAMI
What
do you mean?
CORBICHOVICH
(Goes to her and takes
her hands)
Your
actions have moved me. Your passion
inspired me. I haven’t felt this way
since… since I lost my wife.
CAMI
But
I kidnapped you, tied you up, threatened to kill you…
CORBICHOVICH
And
I haven’t had so much fun in years!
EVA
Daddy,
what are you saying?
CAMI
Maybe
I hit him a little too hard on the head.
CORBICHOVICH
You
hit me just hard enough to bring me to my senses. What an incredible day!
EVA
Maybe
if we hit him again he’ll go back to normal.
CORBICHOVICH
I
don’t want to be normal. I’m in love.
(Embraces CAMI)
Cami. Will you do me the honor of being my wife?
CAMI
I
don’t know what to say?
CORBICHOVICH
Together
we can bring peace to our country. The
people will love you. They will worship
you. You can unite our two sides and
bring happiness to us all.
CAMI
To
heck with the people. I’m going to be
rich!
(Hugs CORBICHOVICH)
CORBICHOVICH
Let
us take that SUV to the hotel and celebrate.
CAMI
I’ll
give you a celebration you won’t forget.
CORBICHOVICH
Thank
you one and all for this most enchanting visit.
I’m sure Cami and I will return many times to visit your wonderful
airport.
(He exits R with CAMI)
RICK
(Says a prayer)
Oh,
please God, never let him visit again.
EVA
Amen
to that.
STACY
Just
one minute. Cami can’t simply leave.
EVA
I
will take full responsibility for what happened here tonight.
RICK
What? But you didn’t have anything to do with it.
EVA
According
to you, I had everything to do with it.
Cami wouldn’t have done anything if my family had treated the people
better. My father has a lifetime of
excuses. But I don’t. Take me in.
I’ll pay for these crimes.
STACY
Tell
you what. Why don't I interrogate you
over some coffee and we'll decide what to do from there?
EVA
Coffee
sounds good.
RICK
I
could use something a little stronger than that.
EVA
I'm
buying.
(Pauses)
I
guess I better say good-bye to daddy.
Be right back.
(Exits R)
STACY
Hey,
I think the snow’s melting.
RICK
Oh,
man. Back to work.
STACY
The
next flight isn’t for a few hours. Could
I talk you into that coffee?
RICK
I
am so wiped out, you could probably talk me into about anything now.
STACY
Oh,
really?
RICK
You
know, Stacy, if it weren’t for your bossy, gruff exterior, we might actually
hit it off.
STACY
After
tonight, I’m not up to bossing anyone anymore.
I'm glad this is over.
RICK
Was
it that bad?
STACY
Not
everything was bad. I met you.
RICK
Huh?
STACY
I like
you, Rick. I really do. I wasn't faking that.
(RICK is stunned)
I'm
sorry. I shouldn't have told you that.
RICK
Actually,
Stacy. You're not so bad yourself.
STACY
I'll
be in
(Sees R)
Oh,
here comes, Eva. I guess I better leave
you two alone.
RICK
Probably…
(STACY starts to go R
sadly)
…I
should probably tell her off alone.
STACY
(Brightens)
Tell
her off and you’ll lose your chance at the Regional Director’s job.
RICK
I’m
just happy to not be a bag boy anymore.
Who needs to be Regional Director?
STACY
The
job is overrated. Trust me.
(Smiles)
Does
this mean you and Eva…
RICK
We’re
finished. I can’t believe I fell for her
like that.
STACY
I
can. She’s gorgeous. If I were a guy, I’d do her.
RICK
Eva’s
kind of like an AirCraphvia airplane.
Sure, it looks good on the outside.
Sure, we’ve got pretty stewardesses.
Sure, the seats are comfortable.
But open it up and take a look at the engine… you’ll be sorry.
STACY
(Starts to exit R)
Goodnight,
Rick.
RICK
(Stops her)
Hey,
Stacy. Could we get dinner later?
STACY
(Looks at watch)
How
about breakfast?
RICK
(Laughs)
Sounds
good to me.
(STACY smiles and exits
R)
EVA
(EVA enters R. Goes to embrace RICK)
Now
that this is all over, why don’t you come back to my apartment…
RICK
(Pushes EVA away)
Thanks
but no thanks.
EVA
(Hurt)
What
do you mean?
RICK
I
have a confession to make.
EVA
What?
RICK
I
don’t like you.
EVA
Not
even a little?
RICK
I
thought I liked you. Before I met you I
practically worshiped you. But the woman
I see on TV isn’t the one I see here before me now.
EVA
Maybe
you’re thinking of that Sandra Bullock.
People are always getting us confused.
RICK
Somebody’s
confused. That’s for sure.
EVA
Why
are you still upset? Daddy is going to
marry Cami and unite the factions of Craphvia.
We’ll finally have peace.
RICK
Power
corrupts, Eva. Cami will be put on
display and things will quiet down for awhile.
But things won’t change. They
never do.
EVA
I
don’t even know why I like you. You
depress me.
RICK
Go
then. I’m not stopping you. The snow is melting and you’re free.
EVA
Fine. I’ll go.
But you’ll regret this. You’ll
never have a chance to be with someone like me ever again.
RICK
You
promise?
EVA
(Breaks down crying)
You’re
the wicked one now. How can you be so
hurtful?
RICK
(Trying not to give in)
Those
real or fake tears?
EVA
What
do you care?
RICK
Eva,
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be so cold,
but you must admit, you haven’t treated me very well tonight.
EVA
I
don’t treat anyone very well.
RICK
Do
you know why?
EVA
Maybe
I try to make people hate me, because it’s doesn’t hurt so much when they leave
me.
RICK
Like
your mother?
EVA
Mind
your own business. I don’t need you to
psychoanalyze me.
RICK
I’m
sorry. Please, don’t be mad. I’m just trying to help.
EVA
The
best way to help me is to leave me alone.
RICK
Fine,
Eva. Go.
Forgive me for trying to be nice.
EVA
Nice? You call this nice? Rejecting me, telling me I’m a horrible
person…
RICK
That’s
not what I’m saying.
EVA
Then
what are you saying?
RICK
Try
being friendly once in a while. Be
yourself and don’t put on an act.
EVA
What
if no one likes me that way?
RICK
Someone
will. I believe we all have someone
special waiting for us.
EVA
I
hope you’re right.
RICK
I
know I’m right.
EVA
Rick? Do you think you could be that someone
special?
RICK
I
don’t know, Eva. Let’s give it some time. Right now, I’m tired, hungry and
confused.
EVA
Is
it okay if I look you up sometime?
RICK
I
don’t know. I don’t know anything right
now. But one thing’s for sure.
EVA
What’s
that Rick?
RICK
We’ll
always have
END OF PLAY