Sticky Buns
a comedy by
D. M. Bocaz-Larson
* * *
Copyright © 2000
All Rights Reserved
Before performing this script, you must first request permission at pocolocoplayers@yahoo.com or http://www.oocities.org/pocolocoplayers/request.html
The script may be printed and copied for free. If you decide to perform the play and charge
admission, the requirements are below: 1. All programs, posters, etc. should have the
author's name (D. M. Bocaz-Larson) and something that tells about the Freedrama.com website
such as "Produced by special arrangement with www.freedrama.com". When you complete the
production, mail a copy of the program to the royalty address listed below. 2. There is a
$20 royalty for using the play for up to two performances. If you perform the play three or
more times, the royalty is just $10 per performance. The royalty payment must be sent via
http://www.paypal.com. Or you may send a check to: D. M. Bocaz-Larson, 1721 Encino Ave., Grants, NM
87020. Please no purchase orders. NOTE: The play may not be reproduced or
published in any form without written permission from the author. Thank you for selecting my
script. I hope you enjoy it. Sincerely, D. M. Bocaz-Larson
* * *
Cast of
Characters
RiCKY: A handsome worker at AeroPeor Albuquerque who is anxious for advancement.
CARMELLA: Another employee at AeroPeor Albuquerque. She’s an ample, but extremely sexy woman.
Constanza: Regional director of AeroPeor.
MARIA: Daughter of Pinomori. She is a student and an actress.
PINOMORI: Dictator of the Latin American country of Chiru. He is also the owner of AeorPeor.
DICK: FBI agent
posing as a husband who has something strange in his suitcase.
Jane: FBI agent posing as DICK’s wife.
SALLY: Poses as the child of DICK and JANE, but is a FBI master of disguise.
Place and
Time
The AeroPeor check-in desk at an airport
in present
day
* * *
Sticky Buns
(Airport. Audience sees behind the counter of a not so major airline: AeroPeor. The counter is a horseshoe shape center stage. Computer terminals face UR and UL so the ticket agents don’t have their backs to the audience. Customers approach the terminals from UC and stand in the middle of the horseshoe. The DC part of the horseshoe counter is very low for bags to be placed on. This is their Albuquerque office offering flights to Latin America. The airline workers are dressed in extremely nice shirts complete with badges, insignia and even a few medals. They have shiny black hats. But they are wearing an assortment of bright colored shorts and sandals. It is late evening and not many people are around. DICK and JANE enter R with suitcase and enter UC side of horseshoe counter)
CARMELLA
(CARMELLA opens another window to help more customers. She’s an ample, but extremely sexy woman)
Set right up, folks and fly with me! I’m ready and willing.
(DICK clambers to get in line at her window)
Well, hello there stranger. Going my way?
DICK
(Flustered and excited)
Oh, well, yes, ma’am.
JANE
(Smacks him in the back of the head)
Are you flirting with this woman?
DICK
Oh, well, no, ma’am.
(Sets bag up on bag check and hands tickets to CARMELLA)
Just one bag.
(Points to JANE)
And I need another ticket for this flight. My wife decided to come along.
CARMELLA
So much for your “business” trip.
(DICK nods sadly)
JANE
What’s that supposed to mean?
CARMELLA
Men go on business trips to do their business. Ain’t no fun with the little woman around.
JANE
Are you for real?
CARMELLA
Not all of me, but it sure does look good, doesn’t it?
(DICK nods and gets slugged by JANE)
Ricky
(Gets bag and it moves. He puts it down)
This bag is moving.
CARMELLA
(To DICK)
Is there something in this?
DICK
Of course there’s something in it. Why would I have an empty bag?
CARMELLA
Like an animal?
DICK
No animals.
(He smiles at JANE and she giggles)
RICKY
Then what is it?
(Starts to open it)
DICK
Hey, that’s private property.
RICKY
(Opens bag and a kid pops out)
It’s a kid!
DICK
I told you to hold still, Sally.
SALLY
Sorry, daddy. I tried.
CARMELLA
That’s against the law you know. We better call the cops or something, Ricky.
JANE
Oh, no. We don’t want any trouble. We’ll just buy another ticket.
DICK
I don’t see what the big deal is. She’s under weight.
RICKY
You didn’t even make any air holes.
JANE
Oh, dear, I knew we forgot something.
CARMELLA
Tell you what. I’m a reasonable chica. You buy me some chocolate covered green chiles and we’ll forget the whole thing.
DICK
Chocolate covered green chiles?
CARMELLA
From the Fabrica in
RICKY
(Disapproving)
Carmella…
CARMELLA
And buy Ricky here a cinnamon roll from the Sticky Buns shop.
(She tries to pinch RICKY’s rear)
I know Ricky loves his Sticky Buns.
RICKY
Carmella, quit!
JANE
Green chiles and Sticky Buns.
CARMELLA
Chocolate covered…
DICK
Got it. Let’s go dear.
(Stops)
Can Sally wait here in the bag?
RICKY
No!
JANE
Fine, come along Sally. We’ll find you a nice snorkel…
(DICK and JANE exit with SALLY in tow)
RICKY
Carmella, you can’t let them get away with this.
CARMELLA
Ricky, you know my motto. Rules is made to be broken.
RICKY
That’s a bad motto.
CARMELLA
(Gets pouty)
And I’m a bad girl.
RICKY
Yes, you are.
CARMELLA
I am so bad. You should punish me.
RICKY
What?! Will you behave yourself?
CARMELLA
But it’s no fun to behave.
RICKY
Normally, I’d agree, but our regional director is coming.
CARMELLA
I’m sure I can handle him. I will just need to pucker up, wiggle my hips, and slowly unbutton my shirt. “Oh, Mr. Director. These here uniforms are just so hot. I can hardly keep them on.”
RICKY
You better hope she’s a lesbian. Otherwise that ain’t gonna work too well.
CARMELLA
What are you talking about? Our regional director is Jose’ Smith.
RICKY
Not anymore.
CARMELLA
Jose’ is gone? But he was so…
RICKY
Old? Ugly? Senile?
CARMELLA
…easy to persuade.
RICKY
Carmella, you could persuade an Eskimo to dance naked in a blizzard.
CARMELLA
(Grins)
Oh, that’s a pretty picture.
RICKY
So, this time, you’re going to need to use slightly different tactics.
CARMELLA
(CONSTANZA enters from behind as CARMELLA speaks)
I know her type. She’s some dragon lady who ruined good men so she could get their jobs. She cares nothing about nobody. She probably slept her way to the top.
CONSTANZA
Can’t say that I did? And what did you do? Sleep your way to the bottom.
RICKY
Carmella, meet our new regional director, Constanza Torrez.
CARMELLA
Did you hear too much of that?
CONSTANZA
Let’s just say I heard enough to not only fire you, but to have you executed under Chiruvian law.
CARMELLA
I’m so happy we aren’t in Chiru.
DICK
(Rushes up with JANE and SALLY)
We got your chocolate.
CARMELLA
(Quickly takes it and puts it under the counter)
Thank you. You may board now.
DICK
Oh, wait. We forgot the Sticky Buns!
RICKY
That’s not necessary. Your flight arrives in 20 minutes at gate B5. Enjoy!
JANE
Into the bag, Sally.
(SALLY starts to climb in)
CONSTANZA
Wait a minute. What’s going on here?
DICK
(To CARMELLA)
We did what you asked. What’s the problem?
CONSTANZA
Did you tell them they could keep their child in a bag?
(Turns on RICKY)
Don’t you two know that’s highly illegal?
CARMELLA
I tried to tell Ricky, but he just wouldn’t listen.
JANE
Now, miss. They did tell us we couldn’t do it.
RICKY
See! We know the rules.
JANE
But they said if we bribed them it wouldn’t be a problem.
RICKY
I never said…
CONSTANZA
Will you folks please wait for me in the Aeropeor office? I must speak with my employees a moment.
DICK
If this won’t take long, we are on a schedule.
CONSTANZA
No, I’ll just take a minute.
(The family exits R)
What are you two thinking?! Are you trying to get the whole airline shut down?
RICKY
We… uh… I’m… uh…
CARMELLA
Now, miss boss lady…
CONSTANZA
Ms. Torrez.
CARMELLA
Whatever? Now, isn’t our number one rule, the customer is always right.
CONSTANZA
Yes, but…
CARMELLA
And those customers said it was okay to put their daughter in a bag. So I said, okay. I was just following our number one rule.
CONSTANZA
Look, if I didn’t need you two right now, I’d fire you on the spot. But we have the president of Chiru, our airline patron, coming here on a plane as we speak.
CARMELLA
I promise Ricky will be on his best behavior. I’ll make sure of it.
CONSTANZA
You both have one more chance. If this visit goes well, then you both keep your jobs. If it doesn’t go well, I’ll personally fly you to Chiru and have you executed.
(RICKY’s mouth drops open)
Now, I need to speak to the bag family.
(Exits R)
RICKY
Do you think she means it?
CARMELLA
Care to find out?
RICKY
Not really. Please, Carmella. Don’t mess up. I need this job.
CARMELLA
I’ll try to be good, just for you, dulce.
RICKY
If lose another job, then I’ll have to move back home again. There’s nothing worse than being an adult and having to move in with your parents.
CARMELLA
You can always move in with me, osito.
RICKY
What would your boyfriend say?
CARMELLA
You know what I say? The more the merrier.
RICKY
Didn’t you say something about him and gorillas once? I’m not messing with any guy who reminds you of a gorilla.
CARMELLA
But then you could be my little monkey.
RICKY
I think I’d rather live with my parents.
CARMELLA
Fine. Go ahead and hurt my feelings.
(Starts to sniffle)
That’s all men ever do is hurt my feelings.
(Covers her eyes. Fights back the tears)
RICKY
Hey, Carmella. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.
(Goes to her. She sobs as he pats her on the shoulder)
There, there.
CARMELLA
Tell me you’re sorry.
RICKY
I’m sorry.
CARMELLA
Tell me, you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings.
RICKY
I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
CARMELLA
(Grabs him and pulls him to her)
Tell me you’re my little monkey.
CONSTANZA
(Enters R)
Those people are so weird. Now they all want to ride inside their bags.
(Sees
them)
Now what’s going on here.
RICKY
(Breaks away from CARMELLA)
This isn’t what it looks like.
CARMELLA
I’m sorry, Ms. Torrez. I tried to keep him away, but men just lose
control around me.
CONSTANZA
I don’t care what was going on, just knock it off.
CARMELLA
You say… I listen.
(Goes to her terminal)
RICKY
Please, Ms. Torrez. You have to let me explain.
CONSTANZA
Look, I just want you to behave yourself long enough to get through tonight. Please, no more fooling around.
RICKY
But I…
(CARMELLA’s phone rings. CARMELLA is eating one of her chocolate covered green chiles)
CONSTANZA
Are you going to answer that?
CARMELLA
Oh, that phone doesn’t work.
RICKY
(Scolding her)
Carmella…
(Gets phone)
AeroPeor. Ricky speaking.
(RICKY checks computer terminal)
CARMELLA
He’s much better on the phone than I am.
RICKY
Sorry, sir. But that flight’s full.
(CONSTANZA all make coughing sounds and whisk him downstage. RICKY puts his hand over the receiver)
What did I do wrong?
CONSTANZA
We are never full.
RICKY
What?
CONSTANZA
Remember this rule. The plane is never full. We always have seats.
RICKY
How’s that possible?
CONSTANZA
See, we expect people to miss the flight or cancel, so we overbook so we’re full.
RICKY
But what if everyone shows?
CONSTANZA
Then they wait for the next plane.
RICKY
But…
(CONSTANZA gives him a stern look)
Sir, we just had an opening.
CARMELLA
You take my spot, Ricky. I need a break.
RICKY
When did you start working?
CONSTANZA
We have a very important dignitary arriving. The president of Chiru is arriving today on the one-eleven out of Santalivia.
RICKY
President? Don’t you mean dictator?
CONSTANZA
He was elected to office.
CARMELLA
He won only because he killed the guy he was running against.
CONSTANZA
I’ll admit his methods aren’t the most ethical, but Chiru has said that Pinomori has established the most democratic dictatorship in a couple of centuries.
CARMELLA
You can call Hitler, Honest Abe, but he still ain’t no
RICKY
Did that just make any sense?
CONSTANZA
We will treat him with the utmost respect. No matter what your feelings are on the subject, he is the owner of our airline and the United State recognizes him as the legitimate ruler of Chiru.
CARMELLA
You can call a con an artist but he still ain’t a…
CONSTANZA
Carmella, please, stop with the metaphors.
CARMELLA
Metawhats?
RICKY
I promise you, she’s not as stupid as she is.
CARMELLA
Thank you, Ricky.
(Thinks)
Hey!
(She smacks RICKY who laughs)
CONSTANZA
Let’s be serious, please.
RICKY
So what is our role in all this?
CONSTANZA
He wants to meet the employees of AeroPeor Albuquerque during his visit.
RICKY
But why is he visiting Albuquerque? This has to be about the smallest AeroPeor office in the world.
CONSTANZA
First of all, he loves the green chile here.
(Everyone nods in understanding)
RICKY
Oh, course.
CARMELLA
That makes sense.
CONSTANZA
Plus his daughter goes to school here at the Rio Puerco branch of New Mexico Lowlands University of the Arts. She’s studying to be an actress.
CARMELLA
Oh, yeah. I’ve seen her in something. They made a big deal out of it because she is a dictator’s daughter. I think she was that show Anna y el Senor. She was a maid or something.
RICKY
(A bit dreamy)
She was a stable hand named Lola. Then in the show Mi Dulce Grande she was worked in a pastry shop and in Mi Cabeza Pequeno she was a psychiatrist…
CONSTANZA
Are you a fan of hers?
RICKY
(Blushes)
She has a small following on the internet.
CONSTANZA
Anyway, she’ll be arriving here to meet her father and I want you to make her
feel at home while she waits.
CARMELLA
Ricky can handle that I’m sure.
(Gives him a playful nudge and RICKY blushes more)
RICKY
We’ll do everything we can to make their stay a pleasant one.
CONSTANZA
I knew I could count on you.
(Looks off R)
Now if someone could just control the weather. It’s turning nasty out there.
RICKY
I heard it might snow.
CONSTANZA
Ay! Don’t say it! Don’t say it.
CARMELLA
(Aside to RICKY)
Snow.
CONSTANZA
I have a few things to do in the office. I’ll be back to meet the dictator… I mean president.
(Motions RICKY to her)
Uh, Ricky?
RICKY
(Goes to her obediently)
Yes, Ms. Torrez.
CONSTANZA
I haven’t been very impressed with your performance so far.
RICKY
I am so sorry. I promise I will do everything in my power to please you.
CONSTANZA
(Winks at him)
That’s what I hoped you would say. Why don’t you stop by the office a little later and we’ll… talk.
(Exits R)
RICKY
Did she mean what I thought she meant?
CARMELLA
Oh, Ricky. You’re in trouble.
RICKY
Why me? Why do women throw themselves at me like this?
CARMELLA
Most guys would like it. You a little light in your sombrero?
RICKY
No, I like women. I really do. Call me loco, but I just don’t like to sleep
with every chica that comes along.
CARMELLA
You’re loco.
RICKY
Fine, I’ll go play boy toy for boss lady.
CARMELLA
Then it’s my turn.
RICKY
(MARIA enters R)
Sure, fine and then it’s your turn. Why don’t I just make an announcement on the airport intercom? Step right up ladies. Rico Ricky is ready for romance.
MARIA
(From behind)
Now this is what I call a full service airport.
RICKY
Oh, my gosh.
(Really embarrassed)
Maria? Maria Dictator… I mean Maria Pinomori.
CARMELLA
(Pats RICKY on head)
You’ll have to excuse my friend here. He’s still learning to speak.
MARIA
That’s okay. The cute ones don’t need to speak.
CARMELLA
(Aside to RICKY)
Ohh, reel her in, boy.
RICKY
I’m sorry. We weren’t expecting you so soon.
MARIA
The weather is horrible out there. I thought I’d better get here early before the snow got too bad.
RICKY
Welcome to AeroPeor Albuquerque, Senorita Pinomori.
MARIA
So how did you know who I was?
RICKY
From TV.
MARIA
(Flattered)
You’ve seen me?
RICKY
Oh, once or twice. On Anna y El Grupo, El Cabeza Grande, El Dulce Pequeno…
MARIA
(Laughs)
I see.
RICKY
Forgive me. I should introduce myself. I am Ricky Ramone and this here is my partner in crime, Carmella.
CARMELLA
So you’re the famous Maria Pinomori?
MARIA
You’ve seen me on TV too?
CARMELLA
No, I’ve just heard about you from some Chiruvian friends of mine.
MARIA
Don’t believe everything you hear.
CARMELLA
If I did that then I’d have to believe that story about Ricky and the time he…
RICKY
Whatever you’re about to say doesn’t need to be repeated…
MARIA
(Aside to CARMELLA)
That’s okay you can tell me about it later.
(CARMELLA winks at RICKY)
RICKY
Well, anyway… it’s wonderful to have you here. Is there anything we can get for you?
MARIA
Do I have time to freshen up before he gets down here?
RICKY
Of course.
(Points L)
The restroom is right over there.
CARMELLA
I’ll show her.
MARIA
(Gives RICKY a pleased smile)
Thank you, Ricky.
CARMELLA
(Winks at RICKY)
Isn’t he such a sweet thing.
(Leads MARIA L)
Our first stop on our tour will the Fecha
in
(Both exit L)
RICKY
(CONSTANZA enters R as RICKY talks to himself)
Wow, now she’s someone I’d like to get to know.
CONSTANZA
(From behind)
I hope you’re talking about me.
RICKY
Oh, Ms. Torrez. How are you?
CONSTANZA
I was thinking that I needed some help in the office.
RICKY
Sure, once Carmella gets back, I’ll be right there.
CONSTANZA
(Plays with RICKY’s shirt)
So anxious, so willing…
RICKY
(Suspicious)
Uh, well, uh, what kind of help do you need?
CONSTANZA
I’ve got this bottle of wine that needs help drinking.
RICKY
Oh… Ms. Torrez…
CONSTANZA
Look, we have a long evening ahead of us. The big guy won’t be here for another two hours and I need to unwind a little before we start running around like roosters in a cock fight.
(Very direct)
And you seem like a nice guy who would like to keep his job.
RICKY
(Sighs)
Whatever you say, Ms. Torrez…
CONSTANZA
Call me, Constanza.
(Smiles)
Now you rush right back to the office as soon as Carmella returns.
(Starts to go, then stops)
Oh, and bring me some of those chocolate covered green chiles Carmella keeps talking about.
RICKY
(CONSTANZA exits R)
Sure thing. No problem.
(Bangs head on computer monitor)
Why me?
(CARMELLA enters L)
I can’t figure out if I am cursed or blessed.
CARMELLA
(Sneaks up behind him. Kisses him on the cheek)
Both I think.
RICKY
Hey, you just missed the boss lady.
CARMELLA
Did you say where I was? Did you say I was showing Maria around?
RICKY
No, I said you were giving the customers special rates in the back room.
CARMELLA
Ha, ha. Very funny.
RICKY
So where is Maria?
CARMELLA
In the ladies room.
(Smiles at RICKY)
You like her don’t you?
RICKY
(Shrugs, trying to ignore CARMELLA)
I don’t know.
CARMELLA
(Pokes him)
Come on, Ricky. I know that look. It’s like that look I get when I see some chocolate. You’ve got it bad for her.
RICKY
So what if I do? It doesn’t matter. She’s rich. She’s going to be a famous actress. Why would she want to bother with a guy like me?
CARMELLA
Beats me. Maybe to make her papa mad?
RICKY
Great. That’s just what I need is a half-crazed military dictator mad at me.
CARMELLA
So how bad do you have it for her?
RICKY
I have her picture.
(Pulls out wallet and a huge thing of photos comes out)
CARMELLA
One or two pictures I see.
RICKY
Who am I kidding? I worship this woman. It’s bad enough that she’s an actress. Why does she have to be so rich and powerful too? My chances are as about as good as a rattlesnake on a highway.
CARMELLA
You’re chances look pretty good with boss lady though.
RICKY
Don’t remind me. I’m supposed to go back there now and “help” her.
CARMELLA
You are in trouble my friend.
RICKY
Please, Carmella. You’ve got to help me out of this.
CARMELLA
No way am I getting involved. I like my job.
RICKY
So do I, but…
(Drifts off)
CARMELLA
But what?
RICKY
But what about Maria?
CARMELLA
You said it yourself. What are your chances? She is a rich, beautiful, talented woman. Then there’s a poor little airline bag boy…
RICKY
I’m not a bag boy… not anymore.
CARMELLA
If you don’t get back there and “help” the boss lady, you’ll be lucky to be the bag boy.
RICKY
Bag boy or boy toy?
CARMELLA
Or unemployed. It’s a no brainer.
RICKY
I guess then it’s off to the wolves.
CARMELLA
Too late. She’s coming to hunt you down, amigo.
CONSTANZA
(Enters R)
Ricky, I thought I asked you to see me when Carmella returned.
RICKY
Sorry, we got really busy here.
CARMELLA
(Aside to RICKY)
And she wanted to get busy back there too.
(CARMELLA pokes RICKY playfully and then goes to her computer. She commences doing one finger typing, careful not to break a nail. She switches to the mouse)
CONSTANZA
Looks like we’re behind schedule anyway. I just received a report that President Pinomori’s plane might be arriving sooner than planned. This calls for operation Dazzle the Dictator…
RICKY
Yes, Ms. Torrez. What do we do?
CONSTANZA
First we get out the welcome banners.
(Points R and UC)
I want them there and there. Next we need to get out the red carpet…
CARMELLA
Are you serious?
CONSTANZA
I do not joke around.
CARMELLA
(Under her breath)
I think you’re funny.
CONSTANZA
What’s that?
CARMELLA
You’re sweeter than honey.
CONSTANZA
You are so weird.
(Turns back to RICKY)
Now, what was I saying?
RICKY
We need to hang the red carpet, there and there…
(Points UC, then R)
CONSTANZA
(See R)
Oh, no. I think it’s starting to snow out there.
CARMELLA
It never snows here.
RICKY
Actually it does sometimes…
CARMELLA
Hardly enough to notice.
RICKY
(Crosses R)
You’ll notice this. It’s really coming down.
CARMELLA
(Hits computer)
This alert keeps popping up and ruining a perfectly good game of solitaire.
CONSTANZA
(Crosses to CARMELLA)
What alert?
CARMELLA
(Reads)
Winter storm warning in affect.
CONSTANZA
Oh, great. Ricky, check and see when flight one-eleven arrives.
RICKY
(Goes to other computer)
It’s already here!
CONSTANZA
(Gets on loud speaker)
Flight one-eleven is arriving at gate A13.
(Turns to others)
I’ll go with you to greet them. Carmella, you come too. Ricky, you greet his daughter here and wait for us.
RICKY
But she…
CARMELLA
She is in good hands.
CONSTANZA
Let’s go.
(Exits L)
CARMELLA
(To RICKY)
This will give you two lovebirds some time alone.
RICKY
But I don’t…
(RICKY sighs as CARMELLA runs off L. MARIA comes from behind)
MARIA
Don’t what?
RICKY
Don’t… uh… don’t know what time it is?
MARIA
(Takes his arm and show him his own watch)
10:30.
RICKY
Thanks.
(Put his hand on hers a minute, then lets go)
So did you hear the announcement?
MARIA
No.
RICKY
You’re father is here.
MARIA
Already? How did the plane get here so fast?
RICKY
(Checks computer)
Says here they didn’t stop in Mexico and Panama as planned.
MARIA
I guess his dictatorship wanted a direct flight.
RICKY
Imagine being that powerful. Wouldn’t that be something?
MARIA
Go ahead and dream, Ricky. And maybe one day you can be a dictator of your own little Latin America country.
RICKY
Me? I doubt I’m the type.
MARIA
(Sizes him up)
Let me see… Good looking, friendly, nice…
(Laughs)
Nope, not the type at all.
RICKY
Sounds like that’s a good thing.
MARIA
It is, Ricky. Being a dictator isn’t as fun and glamorous as TV makes it out to be.
RICKY
Glamorous? More like dangerous. And what about being his daughter. Are you ever in danger?
MARIA
You don’t have to fear danger when you’re dangerous.
RICKY
(Chuckles nervously)
That’s a joke, right?
MARIA
Sure, why not.
RICKY
Uh, okay…
(Nervously fiddles with computer)
MARIA
So you’re my own personal welcome wagon?
RICKY
The others went to greet your father.
MARIA
That Carmella. She’s an interesting one.
RICKY
Interesting is a word for her.
MARIA
You two involved?
RICKY
Me and Carmella? No. We just work together. She actually gets on my nerves, but I try to get along.
MARIA
Now there’s a concept. Whenever papa doesn’t like someone, he just snaps his fingers and they disappear.
RICKY
Oh, boy…
MARIA
Am I scaring you?
RICKY
Me? Scared of some silly old dictator? Ha!
MARIA
I hoped this snowstorm would keep him away completely.
RICKY
Really? You two have problems?
MARIA
I don’t need to be spreading around my dirty laundry.
RICKY
I’m sure your laundry is never too dirty.
MARIA
(Laughs)
You’re funny.
RICKY
(Gets up some courage)
You know. I know I’m just some regular guy without an army or money or power, but would you consider…
MARIA
Sure.
RICKY
Sure?
MARIA
You’re asking me out aren’t you?
RICKY
Well, yeah.
MARIA
I’ll go out with you, as long as papa approves.
RICKY
(Heart sinks)
Oh…
MARIA
Sorry, but it’s the Chiruvian law. Papa has made laws about anything and everything. He just loves laws that make things more difficult for everyone but him.
RICKY
Chiru sounds like a fun country.
MARIA
That’s why I’m in Albuquerque. To get away from the stupid laws and so I can try living my life.
RICKY
You’re doing pretty well too. You’re becoming quite a star on TV.
MARIA
It’s just bit parts in some Spanish novellas. But… papa says he may buy me my own studio.
RICKY
But wouldn’t you rather make it on your own merits, instead of letting your father buy your way in.
MARIA
No, not really.
RICKY
I guess that settles it then.
MARIA
Oh, I see. You’re one of those guys who wants to get somewhere on his own sweat and tears.
RICKY
I’d prefer to skip the sweat and tears, but I’d like to get somewhere, yes.
MARIA
I hate to tell you, but you aren’t off to a very good start.
RICKY
I’ll have you know my parents were poor migrant farm workers. I make more in a day than they made in a month at my age. They are very proud of me.
MARIA
And I probably have more in my purse than you make in a month.
RICKY
Probably…
MARIA
And I didn’t have to work at all for it.
RICKY
Hey, acting is work.
MARIA
Acting doesn’t make me this kind of money. Papa give it to me.
RICKY
So how did he make all his money?
MARIA
Do you really want to know?
RICKY
Uh, maybe not.
MARIA
How’s that saying go, if you can’t handle the fire, don’t play with the oven.
RICKY
(Chuckles)
Something like that.
MARIA
Papa is no worse than some of your presidents in this country. Clinton, Reagan, Nixon, Kennedy…
RICKY
Wait a minute. I’ll admit some of those guy had their problems, but Kennedy?
MARIA
He started the Vietnam War.
RICKY
He did not.
MARIA
That’s not what I hear. See, your government only tells you what they want you to know. Did you know the U.S. helped my papa rise to power?
RICKY
No way. I know that’s not true.
MARIA
It is true. Everyone in Chiru knows it. Papa was a big hero because he defeated the evil communists. Your country supplied the guns and the military training. Without the U.S., my papa would be another poor patron who lost all his land taken by the communists.
RICKY
You’re serious, aren’t you?
MARIA
Next time you go pointing a finger, you remember you got four pointing right back at you.
RICKY
Okay, okay. You win. Truce?
MARIA
(Smiles)
Sure, Ricky. I know how you feel. I was innocent like you once. My papa always tried to keep me away from the action. He never wanted me to know what really went on.
RICKY
When did you realize what was going on?
MARIA
When I kidnapped by some wacko group called the People’s Freedom Revolution Liberation Party of Chiru.
RICKY
You were kidnapped?
MARIA
Papa was furious, he made heads roll… literally.
(Grows sad)
It was very traumatic.
RICKY
I’m sure it was. All those people dying…
MARIA
Not that part… the part about being kidnapped. They kept me locked up in this little room and didn’t allow me to have any servants. I had to cut my own food.
RICKY
You’re joking right?
MARIA
It’s easier to joke about it, then face the reality, don’t you think.
RICKY
I see your point.
MARIA
Papa decided I was safer in the United States.
RICKY
Sounds like it.
MARIA
I feel at home with all the robbing, drugs, and drive by shootings.
RICKY
(Laughs)
Good point.
MARIA
I refuse to have body guards, but I think papa pays people to keep an eye on me. He’s very considerate that way.
RICKY
If you say so…
MARIA
I wonder where’s the big dictator is?
RICKY
They should be down any minute.
MARIA
(Points to his computer)
What’s that flashing red screen mean?
RICKY
(Looks at computer)
Oh, no. Constanza’s not going to like this. They’re closing the roads. There’s a big wreck on the Big I… They can’t clear it with the snow this bad… That means we’re trapped.
MARIA
Trapped? Here?
RICKY
The police say they won’t open the roads until the snow stops.
MARIA
Here he comes.
(PINOMORI is lead in by CARMELLA. CARMELLA is on his arms talking away happily at him. PINOMORI likes the attention)
I see he wasted no time finding a floozy.
RICKY
(Aside to MARIA)
Carmella is the floozy’s floozy.
PINOMORI
I wish to thank you for…
(Focuses on CARMELLA)
… this most kind welcome.
(CARMELLA does kissy lips at him. He smiles then looks to others)
But I am tired and wish to go to the hotel.
RICKY
Uh, sir…
PINOMORI
(Waves RICKY away)
I will take the tour of your facilities later. For now, I must rest.
MARIA
(Goes up to PINOMORI)
Welcome, papa.
PINOMORI
Is that my Maria? You look so much like your mother all the time. God rest her soul.
RICKY
Your mother has passed?
MARIA
She died a few years back. The people of Chiru
miss her a great deal.
PINOMORI
She is a saint gone to heaven.
CARMELLA
She must have been very special.
PINOMORI
She was so beautiful… just like mi Maria.
MARIA
Oh, papa. No one was as beautiful as her.
PINOMORI
Maria. Ride with me to the hotel and we will talk.
MARIA
I’m afraid we’re stuck here.
PINOMORI
What?
(CONSTANZA enters L)
MARIA
It’s a snowstorm…
RICKY
The roads are closed…
PINOMORI
What?!
RICKY
The roads…
PINOMORI
I heard you!
CONSTANZA
Please, sir. Calm down. We’ll figure something out.
MARIA
I think we’ll just have to make due here until the snow melts.
PINOMORI
I want that snow gone now. I will not stay here.
CONSTANZA
I’ll see what I can do. Meanwhile, we’ll do what we can to make you comfortable while you wait.
CARMELLA
(Snuggles up to him)
Very comfortable.
PINOMORI
(Laughs and winks at CARMELLA)
Oh, yes. I suppose we could stay here a little while.
CARMELLA
There’s just so much to show you. I’ll plan to give you the full treatment.
PINOMORI
Oh, that would be nice.
CARMELLA
I’ll give you everything you deserve… and then some.
PINOMORI
Oh, I like this girl. You may take me on a tour now.
CARMELLA
Certainly.
(PINOMORI exits with CARMELLA)
RICKY
I thought I’d never say this, but thank goodness for Carmella.
MARIA
I haven’t seen anybody handle him that well since mama.
CONSTANZA
This is all going wrong. Ricky, where’s those banners?
RICKY
I’m sorry, Ms. Torrez, but I didn’t have time…
CONSTANZA
What were you doing?
MARIA
He was talking to me.
CONSTANZA
And who are you? One of his cheap chicks from the casino?
RICKY
Ms. Torrez. This is Maria Pinomori.
CONSTANZA
Yeah, right and I’m lady liberty.
MARIA
Nice to meet you, Ms. Liberty. Papa will be happy to know you’ve given me such a warm welcome.
CONSTANZA
You’re not kidding, are you?
RICKY
Nope.
CONSTANZA
(A look of terror. Then does a fake laugh)
Well, I was just kidding you. I’m such a kidder.
MARIA
Yes, very funny. Papa will find it very amusing.
CONSTANZA
That’s okay. Oh, you don’t need to tell him.
MARIA
Don’t worry. I’m sure papa will
understand. First, the snowstorm. I know and you know that you have no control
over snow, but papa doesn’t think that way.
And insulting his daughter. His
last remnant of the woman he cherished more than life…
(To RICKY)
Hmmm. Papa hasn’t executed anyone for this level of incompetence in at least a month.
CONSTANZA
Executed?
(Falls to her knees)
Please, Senorita Pinomori. Show mercy.
MARIA
Tell you what. I am a fair woman. I will ask Ricky here to tell me if you are a fair person. If he says you are fair, then I will be fair.
CONSTANZA
(Goes to RICKY)
Ricky, please. Tell Senorita Pinomori that I’m a fair person and I’ll give you whatever you want.
RICKY
I hear the manager of our Albuquerque is leaving. I would like that job.
CONSTANZA
(Annoyed)
Let’s not get carried away here.
MARIA
What was that?
CONSTANZA
(Cowers. Whispers to RICKY)
Yes, whatever you want. Please, just help me out.
RICKY
I believe Ms. Torrez is a fair woman. In fact, she is so happy with my work that she has decided to make me the AeroPeor Albuquerque manager.
MARIA
(Pats CONSTANZA on the back)
Excellent choice. AeroPeor is lucky to have him.
CONSTANZA
So you won’t tell your father?
MARIA
As long as Ricky is happy with you, I’ll be happy with you. If I’m happy, then I don’t need to say anything.
CONSTANZA
Thank you. Thank you so much.
MARIA
You can go away now.
CONSTANZA
Yes, going away now. Bye.
(Exits L)
RICKY
That was so cool! Thank you, Maria.
MARIA
I must warm you, Ricky. I don’t do favors for free.
RICKY
Oh, yeah? Then what must I do in return for this favor?
MARIA
Maybe dinner, dancing, and a little romancing.
RICKY
Sounds good to me.
MARIA
And I think Papa will be much more amiable to one of his managers dating his daughter.
CONSTANZA
(Reenters R)
Excuse me…
MARIA
I thought you were going to go away.
CONSTANZA
But I thought of a way to get your father to a hotel.
MARIA
How?
CONSTANZA
We have to find some shovels.
RICKY
What for?
CONSTANZA
We’re going to dig a trail to the hotel.
RICKY
But the hotel is like two miles away!
CONSTANZA
So we better get started.
MARIA
No, sorry. Ricky must stay here and talk to me. But you may go dig a path. Papa will be very pleased.
CONSTANZA
Do you think so?
MARIA
Yes, he will be thrilled. Maybe he’ll even give you a bonus!
CONSTANZA
I better get started then.
(Rushes off excitedly R)
RICKY
She’s nuts. There’s no way she’ll be able to do it.
MARIA
But it will keep her busy for awhile.
RICKY
You know, I don’t like her much, but it isn’t very nice to send her out there like that.
MARIA
A man with a conscious… that’s so cute.
RICKY
I’m not trying to be cute.
MARIA
You just can’t help it. I’ll bet the ladies can’t control themselves around you.
RICKY
More than you know.
MARIA
And men worship me. See, we have so much in common.
RICKY
Men? You mean like lots of men?
MARIA
Two or three… dozen. Maybe more. Always after me. Wanting my number, wanting my address, wanting to marry me… It’s no big deal.
RICKY
I thought I had problems.
MARIA
Us beautiful people need to stick together.
RICKY
Sounds good to me.
MARIA
I’m anxious for papa to get to know you. I think he will like you too.
RICKY
Here’s my chance.
CARMELLA
(Leads PINOMORI in L)
And here we have our check in area…
PINOMORI
Hmm, very modern. In Chiru, we don’t have computers at the airport yet. They keep bugging me to get a radar too but it’s so expensive.
CARMELLA
(Takes PINOMORI over to a computer terminal)
This is where I work.
(She gets in a sexy pose)
PINOMORI
(Eyes CARMELLA)
Very nice.
CARMELLA
And that wraps up our tour. Any questions?
PINOMORI
(Looking at CARMELLA)
Just one question? Are you free for dinner tonight?
CARMELLA
Yes, and dessert…
(PINOMORI laughs coyly)
RICKY
I suppose we better get back to work.
CARMELLA
What for? We’re snowed in. No planes are going in or out.
PINOMORI
Besides, I think Carmella has worked very hard today. She needs the rest of the day off.
CARMELLA
Oh, you say the sweetest things, el presidente.
PINOMORI
Why so formal? You may call me by my nickname: el pino.
(CARMELLA giggles and RICKY rolls her eyes. CONSTANZA stumbles in covered in snow and shivering)
RICKY
Are you okay?
CONSTANZA
C…c… ccccold.
RICKY
I’ll get you something hot to drink.
(Rushes off R)
PINOMORI
The snow is bad?
CONSTANZA
S… s… ssssooo bbbbad.
PINOMORI
Are we stuck here?
CONSTANZA
I… I’m affffraid ssso.
PINOMORI
This is utterly ridiculous. It’s not supposed to do this here. How long until it melts?
CONSTANZA
T… t… tomorrow mmmaybe.
PINOMORI
Tomorrow? This is an outrage. I’m not sleeping in an airport.
RICKY
(Returns with cup)
Here’s some coffee for you.
(CONSTANZA drinks)
CARMELLA
Don’t worry, el pino. We’ll take good care of you.
PINOMORI
(Smiles at her)
Well, maybe it won’t be all bad.
RICKY
(To CONSTANZA)
Now if we can keep him occupied with Carmella long enough, we’ll survive this.
CONSTANZA
I’m not giving up yet. I’m calling all the car rentals agencies in town. We’ll find the biggest SUV they have and drive him out.
RICKY
Good idea. I’ll go call.
MARIA
I’ll come with you.
(RICKY and MARIA exit R)
CONSTANZA
(Looks at hands)
I need more coffee. I still can’t feel my fingers.
(CONSTANZA exits R)
CARMELLA
Did you notice? I think Maria has a thing for Ricky.
PINOMORI
And I have a thing for you.
(Kisses her hand)
CARMELLA
I have a secret.
PINOMORI
Oh, yes? I like secrets.
CARMELLA
I know a way out of here.
PINOMORI
You do?
CARMELLA
There’s an emergency tunnel that connects us to an old bomb shelter. That bomb shelter connects us to several hotels. We could go get a room…
PINOMORI
Que bueno! Let’s go.
CARMELLA
Follow me.
(PINOMORI and CARMELLA exit L)
RICKY
(Returns from R with MARIA)
Where did your father go?
MARIA
Who cares?
RICKY
Off with Carmella again, no doubt.
MARIA
He is rather taken with her. I haven’t seen him this enchanted with anyone since mother.
RICKY
I must admit I’m feeling a little enchanted myself.
MARIA
Oh, really? I hadn’t noticed.
RICKY
Do you think I have a chance with your father?
MARIA
You’re not his type.
RICKY
No, I mean will he like me? Will he let you see me?
MARIA
Actually, I lied about that.
RICKY
What?
MARIA
Don’t be mad, Ricky. I tell all the guys that when I first meet them. You must understand. It’s my way of letting guys down gently.
RICKY
So you don’t really like me?
MARIA
No, I do like you. I just had to make sure.
(Circles around and checks out his rear)
Now I’m sure.
RICKY
I can’t tell you how happy I am I don’t have to get your father’s permission. I doubt he’d think much of me.
MARIA
I don’t care what he thinks. I do what I want. I’m a liberated woman.
(Motions him closer)
And I have a secret.
RICKY
Yeah?
MARIA
I’m a communist.
RICKY
What?!
MARIA
Sh, quiet. I don’t want him to know. Not yet anyway.
RICKY
But your father kills communists.
MARIA
Maybe it’s my way of rebelling or maybe I care about the people of Chiru. I’m leaning toward the rebelling part.
RICKY
Wait. This doesn’t fit. You act like you love money. Communists give it all away.
MARIA
Not the people in power. They are the richest of all. See, what they do is get all the people to give up their money to the government to be shared among everyone. The government collects it all and then gives some of it back and keeps the rest. It’s the greatest set up since monarchies.
RICKY
That’s horrible.
MARIA
Oh, it’s those cute little ethics again.
RICKY
If you weren’t so incredible, I think I’d not like you very much.
MARIA
That has to be one of the strangest compliments I’ve ever had, but I’ll take it.
RICKY
Sorry, I hope I didn’t offend you…
MARIA
It takes a lot to offend me.
(Looks R)
Oh, great. Here comes crazy lady. Maybe I’ll go look for pap.
(Exits L)
CONSTANZA
(Returns R)
What’s going on? Did you find a big SUV?
RICKY
No, all the SUV’s were rented the minute the snow hit.
CONSTANZA
I should have thought about it sooner. I’m so stupid.
RICKY
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You can’t predict snow.
CONSTANZA
You’re too kind, Ricky.
(Stops)
No, you’re not too kind. What’s the deal with Maria?
RICKY
What do you mean?
CONSTANZA
She blackmailed me into giving you the manager’s job.
RICKY
Yeah, sorry about that.
CONSTANZA
You better watch out, buddy, because the minute she takes a dislike to you, you’re fired.
RICKY
Look, Constanza…
CONSTANZA
Ms. Torrez…
RICKY
Ms. Torrez. I’m sorry if we got off on the wrong foot. I promise you that when this is all over I will prove to you that I can be as good a manager as any of your other regional offices.
CONSTANZA
(Sighs)
Yes, we did get off on the wrong foot. What you did to me was only fair after what I tried to do to you. I can’t believe I was hitting on you like that.
(Makes fun of herself)
Care to have some wine with me? Care to take off your shirt?
RICKY
Uh, you didn’t say that last part.
CONSTANZA
That was for later.
RICKY
Oh.
CONSTANZA
I’m kidding. I do joke sometimes despite what my evil twin said earlier. I honestly had nothing more planned than a nice drink to calm our nerves. Plus, I do like you. You’re a kind, good-looking man. It’s so hard not to take advantage of my position.
RICKY
Nothing happened so don’t worry about it.
CONSTANZA
And I won’t hold a grudge about the manager thing. I’ll give you the same consideration I give my other managers.
RICKY
I appreciate that.
CONSTANZA
(Looks around)
Where’s Pinomori?
RICKY
We lost track of him.
CONSTANZA
You what?
RICKY
I’m sure he hasn’t gone far.
CONSTANZA
Oh, no. I have to know where he is. What am I going to tell the FBI when they show up?
RICKY
The FBI?
CONSTANZA
The FBI is going to monitor Pinomori during his visit. They say he’s had several death threats from the People’s Freedom Revolution Liberation Party of Chiru.
RICKY
I keep hearing about those guys. They certainly have it out for the Pinomori family.
CONSTANZA
I wish the FBI would get here before something happens… if it hasn’t happened already.
(Sighs)
I guess we should go look for him.
RICKY
He can’t have gone far in this snowstorm. Besides, he’s probably with Carmella in some supply closet.
CARMELLA
(Enters with MARIA)
Hi, everyone.
MARIA
I found her at some store trying to steal some chocolate.
CARMELLA
I was going to pay for it.
MARIA
But the store was closed.
CARMELLA
I was going to pay when the store opened again tomorrow.
CONSTANZA
Where’s Pinomori?
CARMELLA
Beats me.
MARIA
I thought you were with him.
CARMELLA
He was and now he’s not. What’s the big deal?
CONSTANZA
He’s gone. That’s the big deal.
CARMELLA
Gone? Where?
CONSTANZA
We don’t know. That’s what we’re trying to figure out.
RICKY
When did you see him last?
CARMELLA
He went to the little dictator’s room and I haven’t seen him since.
MARIA
Little dictator’s room?
RICKY
Bathroom.
MARIA
What?
RICKY
It’s a joke.
MARIA
I don’t get it.
CARMELLA
Certainly not often enough.
MARIA
Now look here…
CONSTANZA
Please, you two. We have a problem here. We need to figure out what’s happened to Pinomori.
RICKY
Maybe he’s stuck on the throne. If he forgot to put down the seat he might really be wedged in there. I’ll check it out.
(RICKY exits L)
CONSTANZA
First the snowstorm. Now this. Pinomori will have me executed for sure.
CARMELLA
It wouldn’t be the first time he executed somebody for something stupid.
MARIA
How can you talk about my papa that way?
CARMELLA
Ask him? He wouldn’t deny it. He thinks it’s funny. He was just joking about executing some guy
for painting a palace patio the wrong shade of pink.
MARIA
So papa goes a little crazy sometimes… you still shouldn’t make fun of him.
CONSTANZA
Ladies, please. Let’s keep this civil okay.
MARIA
She started it.
CARMELLA
I’ll finish it too, baby.
MARIA
That’s it.
(Goes after CARMELLA. CONSTANZA stops MARIA)
CONSTANZA
Will you stop?!
(Holds MARIA as CARMELLA makes faces at MARIA)
I said stop.
(Slaps MARIA)
CARMELLA
Nice one.
MARIA
(Touches her cheek)
You’re dead for sure now.
CONSTANZA
Go ahead and make your threats. We’ll in the good old U. S. of A. now. Try anything and you’ll be put in jail.
CARMELLA
She’s right, little girl. They throw foreigners in jail the U. S. for getting too many parking tickets.
MARIA
Both of you are history. The minute Papa gets back here, I’ll take care of you. I’ll have him transfer you both to Chiru and then strung up.
CARMELLA
I wonder if Ricky has seen this side of you. It ain’t pretty.
MARIA
That fool is so smitten I doubt he’d care what I did.
CONSTANZA
Ricky is a really nice guy. It’s a shame he’d waste himself on you.
MARIA
Why? Do you think he go for someone like you?
(Laughs)
Talk about Beauty and the Beast.
CARMELLA
Please, let me kill her. We can hide her body in an airport locker. Nobody ever checks those things. They’ll never find her.
CONSTANZA
Tempting.
RICKY
(Reenters L)
No constipated dictators in the bathroom.
(Sees women looking annoyed)
Everything okay?
CARMELLA
We’re fine. Just some girl talk.
MARIA
This is bad. Now I’m getting
worried. Papa doesn’t usually disappear
like this.
(Starts to get teary eyed)
RICKY
Please don’t cry.
(Goes to her)
We’ll find your father, I promise.
MARIA
(Hugs him)
Oh, thank you, RICKY.
(Gives women an acid look over his shoulder)
At least someone cares.
RICKY
(Takes her hands. Looks deeply into her eyes)
I do care, very much.
MARIA
(Sniffles)
Thank you, Ricky. You are so kind as to give comfort in my time of loss.
RICKY
Come, I’ll make you some nice warm milk. That will calm you.
MARIA
Or maybe some cocoa?
RICKY
Yes, I think we have cocoa… I’ll go get it for you.
(Rushes off R)
MARIA
I was only pretending to cry. I’m very good, aren’t I?
(Smiles)
Ricky is so cute.
CONSTANZA
(Getting a little jealous)
I hadn’t noticed.
MARIA
At least one person is going to keep his job around here. You two could learn a lesson or two from him.
(She follows RICKY R)
Coming Ricky!
CARMELLA
Is it just me or do you feel like we’re in a soap opera?
CONSTANZA
I don’t want to talk about it.
CARMELLA
Now I know it’s a soap opera.
CONSTANZA
Can we change the subject please?
CARMELLA
So what do you want to talk about?
CONSTANZA
Maybe you can help me figure out what happened to Pinomori?
CARMELLA
The man is a murderer. I have a hard time caring.
CONSTANZA
Don’t get all ethical on me please. We have a job to do here.
CARMELLA
You know what? I’m sick and tired of all this. I quit.
CONSTANZA
You can’t quit.
CARMELLA
Last time I checked this isn’t Chiru. This is a free country. I can quit if I want to.
CONSTANZA
Fine, go ahead and quit. Ricky and I have things under control. Who needs you?
CARMELLA
If you change your mind, I’ll be eating chocolate over there.
(Exits L)
CONSTANZA
(Sighs. Calls off R)
Ricky? Could you make me some cocoa too?
(Exits as lights fade to black)
ACT II
(Same scene as Act I except three suitcases are by the check in station. RICKY and CONSTANZA enter R
RICKY
Where did these suitcases come from?
CONSTANZA
(Checks tags)
They were improperly tagged.
RICKY
Wait a minute. This bag is moving.
(Kicks bag)
You in there Pinomori?
BAG
No.
RICKY
It was worth a try.
CONSTANZA
But somebody’s in there.
(Opens bag. JANE pops out)
What in the world? I told you that riding in bags is not allowed, even in Chiru.
JANE
You can’t blame us for trying.
DICK
(Opens his back)
Are we in Acapula yet, dear?
JANE
I’m afraid we’re still in Albuquerque.
DICK
Albuquerque? I thought we left here hours ago.
JANE
Me too. But that explains why the plane ride was so smooth.
DICK
Yes, we never left the ground.
(They both laugh)
JANE
I guess we’ll just have to have our family vacation here.
DICK
To the Sticky Buns shop!
(They start to go)
CONSTANZA
(Stops them)
Wait. You have crossed the line. I’m going to contact the authorities.
JANE
(Gives DICK a look)
Sorry, ma’am, you can’t do that.
DICK
(Nods)
No, I’m afraid that’s not possible.
CONSTANZA
And why not?
(DICK and JANE pull guns on her)
RICKY
That’s a good enough reason for me.
DICK
Perhaps we should explain.
CONSTANZA
(Scared)
Maybe you better.
JANE
(Pulls out wallet)
We’re FBI.
RICKY
FBI?
(Looks at badge)
Thank goodness.
CONSTANZA
So why the guns?
DICK
(He and JANE laugh and holster guns)
Standard procedure. Draw guns, show badges.
RICKY
That’s not what they do in the movies.
JANE
This isn’t the movies, son. This is real life.
CONSTANZA
Why didn’t you tell us who you were in the first place?
DICK
We’re undercover.
JANE
This is top secret.
DICK
And if you tell anyone why we’re here, we’ll have to shoot you.
RICKY
But we don’t know why you’re here.
CONSTANZA
I assume they’re here to watch over Pinomori.
JANE
You could say that.
DICK
They could say many things. Some would be right, some wrong.
RICKY
If you are here to protect Pinomori, you’re doing a very bad job so far.
JANE
What do you mean?
RICKY
Pinomori is missing.
DICK
Missing? For how long?
CONSTANZA
Maybe an hour now.
JANE
This is a terrible breach in security.
DICK
We must investigate.
JANE
(Grabs third suitcase)
Come along, Sally. Let’s get to work.
(Drags suitcase off L)
DICK
And don’t try looking for us. We will blend in, turn invisible, vanish…
(Exits L)
CONSTANZA
I’m not sure if I feel better or worse now that I know those two are FBI.
RICKY
And what’s the deal with the kid. How many FBI agents drag kids around?
CONSTANZA
I have a feeling those two aren’t what they seem.
RICKY
Maybe we better alert airport security.
CONSTANZA
And get shot by those two. No way.
RICKY
So what do we do now?
CONSTANZA
We have to figure out some way of finding Pinomori.
RICKY
We’ve checked all over the entire airport. I don’t know where else we can look.
CONSTANZA
Let’s assume he didn’t wander off into the snow.
RICKY
Good assumption. He didn’t seem to like the snow much.
CONSTANZA
So that means someone had to take him hostage and hide him in the airport somewhere.
RICKY
Okay, but who would do that?
CONSTANZA
Not counting the dozen or so strangers in the airport at this late hour, that leaves six suspects.
RICKY
Six?
CONSTANZA
Maria, Carmella, Dick, Jane, you and I. But I’m assuming you and I didn’t do it.
RICKY
Why not us?
CONSTANZA
What would be our motivation?
RICKY
You know that Pinomori might fire you since you treated his daughter so badly.
CONSTANZA
But if Pinomori disappears, Maria becomes the new Chiruvian leader. She hates me more than him. I’d rather take my chances with the old dictator.
RICKY
Good point.
CONSTANZA
Then there’s you. If you think about it, you have a motive too.
RICKY
Not really.
CONSTANZA
Actually you do now that I think about it.
RICKY
I do not.
CONSTANZA
If Maria becomes the new Chiruvian leader, she could advance you more quickly through the ranks of AeroPeor.
RICKY
Okay, you’ve got a point. But I didn’t do it. Honest.
CONSTANZA
And neither did I.
RICKY
Fine. What about our four other suspects?
CONSTANZA
We don’t know much about Dick and Jane so they are easy to suspect.
RICKY
Carmella doesn’t seem to have much of a motive.
CONSTANZA
Nor the brains to back her up.
CARMELLA
(Enters L)
Someone talking about me? I feel my ears burning.
RICKY
We’re trying to figure out what happened to Pinomori.
CARMELLA
And you think I did it?
CONSTANZA
No, you have fewer motives than Ricky here.
CARMELLA
So Ricky did it? Shame on you.
RICKY
No, I didn’t do it.
CARMELLA
I’ll bet it was that Maria girl.
RICKY
Why would Maria abduct her own father?
CONSTANZA
I agree with Carmella. She’s our most likely suspect.
RICKY
But she wouldn’t…
(He stops, unsure)
CARMELLA
See, you agree with us.
CONSTANZA
It makes sense Ricky. She stands to gain the most from her father’s disappearance.
RICKY
I wish I could defend her, but from what I’ve already learned about her…
CARMELLA
Poor, Ricky. He doesn’t want his dulce to be a ruthless kidnapper.
RICKY
How can someone so beautiful do such an ugly thing?
CARMELLA
It’s hard to be beautiful and have a heart of gold.
(Smiles)
I’m lucky I guess.
CONSTANZA
So are main suspects are Maria and the so-called FBI agents.
CARMELLA
FBI?!
RICKY
(Hushes her)
Shh. Keep it down, Carmella.
(Looks around. No one is around)
Remember those two people, Dick and Jane?
CARMELLA
They’re FBI?
CONSTANZA
So they claim.
CARMELLA
What is the FBI doing here?
CONSTANZA
We don’t even know if they are real FBI. They are acting awfully strange.
RICKY
Maybe they’re from the X-Files division.
CARMELLA
Do they have guns? Did they show you their badges?
RICKY
Yes and yes.
CARMELLA
Did you tell security?
CONSTANZA
We’re worried that it might create a major problem if they aren’t FBI.
CARMELLA
Probably. So what do we do?
CONSTANZA
I suggest we divide and conquer. Each of us take one of our three suspects and grill them.
CARMELLA
But that will be dangerous. What if I get the kidnapper? Won’t they hurt me?
RICKY
If you disappear, then we’ll know you found the right person.
CARMELLA
That doesn’t make me feel better, Ricky.
CONSTANZA
I need you to corner, Dick. I imagine you’ll get farther with him than I will.
CARMELLA
I guess so. But I’m so scared.
RICKY
I’ll try to be nearby in case something happens.
CARMELLA
Thank you, Ricky. You’re so brave.
CONSTANZA
I’ll take Jane. Ricky, you take Maria.
RICKY
I was afraid of that.
CONSTANZA
You’re the only one she’ll talk to.
CARMELLA
She don’t like us too much.
RICKY
Okay, fine.
CONSTANZA
Let’s split up and try to figure out who our dictator snatcher is.
(CARMELLA and CONSTANZA exit R)
RICKY
What am I going to say to Maria? Judging by what she has already told me she’s a good suspect. I know she’s part of some communist movement. Plus if her father disappears, she becomes the next dictator with all the power and money that goes along with it.
(Sees DICK and JANE enter L)
Then there’s those two. Where’s Carmella and Constanza? Play it cool, Ricky. Act like there’s nothing wrong. Be casual. Be funny…
(Points at DICK)
I see you!
DICK
What?
RICKY
You said you could be invisible. I see you.
DICK
I was speaking figuratively.
RICKY
But you’re FBI. I thought you could do anything.
JANE
We can. We just chose not to.
(DICK and JANE start to go)
RICKY
Hey, wait. I need to talk to you about something.
(DICK both whip out tape recorders)
DICK
You have some information for us?
RICKY
Do you have to tape this?
JANE
It’s our job, mister.
DICK
Spill it.
RICKY
Well, I don’t know…
JANE
You don’t want us to get rough with you…
DICK
We will get rough with you if we have to…
RICKY
What is this: bad cop, bad cop?
JANE
We do what’s necessary to get the job done.
(DICK gets a mouse off a computer and walks up behind RICKY as if to strangle him)
RICKY
Never mind. It’s nothing.
DICK
We have ways of making you talk.
(DICK is about to wrap the mouse around RICKY throat when MARIA appears. DICK hides the mouse in a pocket)
MARIA
There you are, Ricky.
RICKY
(Nervous)
Oh, hi, Maria. Just hanging out with some customers here.
JANE
Yes, just hanging out.
DICK
(Emphasizing the word)
Hanging.
RICKY
Guess I better get back to work.
(DICK and JANE nod and wander upstage)
MARIA
(Grabs RICKY)
Come talk with me. I’m bored.
RICKY
Maria…
MARIA
(Bats her eyes)
Yes, Ricky?
RICKY
I don’t know how to say this…
MARIA
What’s wrong?
RICKY
There’s something I’ve been wondering…
MARIA
Perhaps you were wondering why I’m so beautiful, so talented, so… sexy.
(Moves close. DICK and JANE take quick pictures with small cameras. Then turn away trying to appear casual)
RICKY
(Flustered)
Uh… well…
MARIA
(Sighs and backs off)
Tell me what’s going on.
RICKY
Might as well get to the point.
MARIA
Please.
RICKY
Did you abduct your father?
MARIA
That’s what you’re worried about?
RICKY
You do stand to gain the most from his disappearance.
MARIA
You know how long a dictator lasts in Chiru? If I were lucky, I’d be president for a year before someone made me disappear.
RICKY
But your father’s army?
MARIA
They won’t be loyal to me, especially after they find out I’m a communist.
RICKY
I thought you were going to lead some glorious revolution for the people.
MARIA
It sounded good until papa disappeared. Now I’m not so sure. Maybe I’ll just put some other communist leader in charge and let them get killed.
RICKY
But what about all that money you’ve dreamed of?
MARIA
I’ll be sure to take all that with me. The communists won’t be needing it.
RICKY
That means you still have a motive. Money.
MARIA
Ricky, I’m not a good person like you, but I’m no kidnapper.
(Moves in closer. DICK and JANE snap pictures)
Is there anything I can do to convince you?
RICKY
I… I don’t think that’s a good idea.
MARIA
But aren’t you attracted to me?
RICKY
You’re good looking and all, but you certainly don’t have a heart of gold.
MARIA
(Moves away from RICKY)
So I’m not a saint like my mama. So what? I got her looks and papa’s cunning.
RICKY
Have you done anything as horrible as your father?
MARIA
I’ve stabbed plenty of people in the back but never with a knife. I’m an actress. Cunning comes in handy.
RICKY
(DICK and JANE are listening closely. RICKY looks at them and they turn away quickly)
Maybe we should talk someplace else.
MARIA
Somewhere private?
RICKY
(Sighs)
Sure.
(They exit L. DICK and JANE look at each other, nod. Then start to follow. CARMELLA and CONSTANZA enter R)
CONSTANZA
There they are.
CARMELLA
They’re following Ricky.
CONSTANZA
(Calls to DICK and JANE)
Excuse me. The check in desk is over here.
(DICK and JANE look at each other annoyed, then go to CONSTANZA)
Tickets please.
JANE
I thought we resolved this problem already.
CONSTANZA
(Aside to JANE)
I’m trying to help you keep your cover. If you don’t appear to be customers, then security will get suspicious.
(CARMELLA waves at DICK who can’t help but notice her. He shyly waves back)
JANE
You have a point.
CONSTANZA
(To DICK)
Carmella can help you at the next station.
DICK
(Hurries over to CARMELLA)
Okay.
CARMELLA
Hello, there, handsome.
DICK
(Blushes but please)
Hi.
JANE
Can we hurry this up?
CONSTANZA
What’s the hurry? We’re snowed in.
CARMELLA
Where is your bag?
DICK
You know, I’m not sure.
CARMELLA
Let’s go look for it.
(Takes his arm)
You watch over me though. I hear there are some strange things going on.
DICK
You’ll be safe with me.
CARMELLA
I’m so glad such a big, strong man is here to protect me.
(They exit R)
CONSTANZA
Looks like your husband and Carmella are hitting it off.
JANE
He’s not really my husband, you know.
CONSTANZA
You’re living in sin?
JANE
No, we’re partners, assigned together by the FBI.
(Looks R)
Where is he going?
CONSTANZA
(Trying to keep JANE’s attention)
You two seem a little more than partners.
JANE
What’s that supposed to mean?
CONSTANZA
You probably spend a lot of time together. Those cold, lonely nights together on a stake out.
JANE
(Softens)
He always brings an extra blanket in case we get cold.
(Smiles)
Sometimes we snuggle a little.
CONSTANZA
Don’t you ever want to do more? More than snuggle?
JANE
(Smiles, then snaps out of it)
No. We’re professionals.
(Looks R)
Where did they go?
CONSTANZA
(Tries to distract her again)
So what about the kid?
JANE
The kid? Oh, Sally. She’s one of our special agents. She’s the operative in charge of this operation.
CONSTANZA
A little girl?
JANE
She only looks like a little girl. She’s a master of disguise. Who knows where she’ll be next? She could be a plant, a shoe, even this computer here.
CONSTANZA
Does she have any leads on Pinomori?
JANE
I don’t know. We can’t seem to find her.
CONSTANZA
Did somebody kidnap her too?
JANE
I doubt it. She’s probably hiding out somewhere trying to figure out what’s going on.
(Smiles)
Or she’s in the sticky bun shop helping herself to the free samples.
CONSTANZA
Those Sticky Buns sure are good.
JANE
I better go after Dick.
CONSTANZA
Why? Are you jealous?
JANE
I have no reason to be jealous.
CONSTANZA
Tell you what. Let’s go look for him and get a sticky bun on the way.
JANE
(Slight smile)
Sounds good to me.
(Exits L with CONSTANZA)
CARMELLA
(Enters R with DICK who is carrying a suitcase)
You are such a strong man. Do you work out?
DICK
(Struggles with suitcase)
Does it show?
CARMELLA
Does it show?
(Lies)
Dulce, you make Arnold Swartzennager look like Woody Allen.
DICK
You really think so?
CARMELLA
I’ve never seen a man so… what is the word?
DICK
Strong? Handsome?
CARMELLA
Yes, both those
(Points to check in desk)
Let’s put it over here so I can check it in.
DICK
I’m not even sure that’s the right suitcase.
CARMELLA
That’s okay. We’re not in a hurry. We have all night. We can take our time.
DICK
Sure, I like taking my time.
CARMELLA
So what’s it like being FBI?
DICK
How did you know about that?
CARMELLA
Ooops, sorry. Constanza told me.
DICK
Loose lips sink ships.
CARMELLA
What ship?
DICK
It’s a saying. Source World War II…
CARMELLA
Strong, handsome, AND smart. You are a special man.
(DICK blushes)
So you and that other lady have a thing?
DICK
A thing? Could you define thing?
CARMELLA
Relations? Closeness? Exclusiveness?
DICK
No, we are assigned together. Nothing more.
CARMELLA
You don’t even have a little thing for her?
DICK
Well…
CARMELLA
I thought so.
DICK
She and I have agreed to remain as professional as possible.
CARMELLA
So you’re available?
(Moves in on him)
DICK
Totally, completely, available.
JANE
(Enters L with CONSTANZA carrying a Sticky Bun. Sees CARMELLA making moves on DICK. Drops Sticky Bun and points gun at CARMELLA)
Back off, lady!
DICK
(Goes to JANE)
What are you doing? You’re going to blow our cover.
(CONSTANZA cleans up Sticky Bun and goes to CARMELLA to watch DICK and JANE)
JANE
But that woman… she…
DICK
She what? She likes me? What’s wrong with that?
JANE
But you’re on duty. You’re supposed to
pretend to be my husband. Pretend you
like me.
DICK
Pretend? We’re always pretending. I’m tired of pretending.
JANE
So you don’t like me?
DICK
I do like you, more than anything.
JANE
(JANE pauses, mouth open, trying to speak)
And I like you… more than anything…
(They kiss)
CARMELLA
This is an interesting development.
CONSTANZA
I’ll tell them to get a room if it weren’t for the snowstorm.
DICK
(Smiles at JANE)
I’ve wanted to do that for so long.
JANE
Me too.
CONSTANZA
And they lived happily ever after.
DICK
Do you mind, we’re having a moment here.
CARMELLA
There’s a supply closet I know about if you’d like some privacy.
CONSTANZA
I also know about a truck in the baggage area. You both might fit in there.
(CARMELLA and CONSTANZA laugh)
JANE
Oh, dear. I hope Sally didn’t see.
DICK
I forgot about agent Sally. She will be mad if she knows.
JANE
And she always knows.
CONSTANZA
Just tell her you’re kissing to appear more like a couple. It helps maintain your cover.
DICK
Good idea.
JANE
Thank you.
(Takes Sticky Bun from CONSTANZA)
I guess I’ll have to get a new one of these.
DICK
I’ll buy you one.
JANE
Thank you.
DICK
But first we have a job to do.
RICKY
(Enters L with MARIA)
Hi, everyone. What’s going on?
JANE
(Putting on show for MARIA)
My husband and I here were about to get some Sticky Buns.
MARIA
Husband? You two look more like FBI to me?
CONSTANZA
How did you know?
MARIA
I’m a dictator’s daughter. I can smell FBI from a mile away.
DICK
Now our cover is totally blown.
RICKY
(To MARIA)
So you’re sure these two are FBI?
MARIA
Positive. Seriously, it’s the smell.
(Aside to RICKY and DICK and JANE smell themselves)
FBI issue soap.
JANE
(Enters with DICK)
You’re the daughter of Pinomori?
MARIA
Give the agent a prize. Excellent deduction, Sherlock.
DICK
Perhaps you can help us locate your father.
MARIA
If I could do that, he’d be found by now. You’re the FBI. Aren’t you supposed to be able to find people?
DICK
We are casing the place for suspicious activity.
MARIA
(Points to JANE’s roll)
In the Sticky Bun shop?
JANE
Their cinnamon rolls needed investigating.
DICK
(Tastes roll)
They check out.
MARIA
Thank you for keeping us safe.
JANE
We intend to solve this problem immediately.
DICK
We will investigate.
JANE
Who was the last one to see Pinomori?
CONSTANZA
Carmella.
CARMELLA
(Raises hand)
Guilty.
DICK
Perhaps you can help us track him down.
CARMELLA
(Takes DICK’s arm to JANE’s dismay)
Come with me. I think I might be able to help you track him down. I last saw him over this way.
(JANE and DICK follow CARMELLA out L)
MARIA
Your FBI. You feel safe with them?
CONSTANZA
Up to today, yes. From now on, no.
RICKY
What do we do now? I’m going crazy waiting for something to happen.
MARIA
Maybe we should check out my father’s luggage for clues.
RICKY
Good idea. I’ll go get them.
(RICKY exits R)
MARIA
He hops right to it, doesn’t he? He’d make a good servant.
CONSTANZA
Servant? That’s all you can see him doing? He was way more potential than that.
MARIA
Hardly. He comes from a poor family. Farm workers! I can’t imagine anything worse than doing a job in the dirt.
CONSTANZA
Wait a minute. You act like you really have a thing for him.
MARIA
Act. That’s all I’m doing.
CONSTANZA
So you don’t like, Ricky?
MARIA
I like him for what he can do for me right now. When he no longer can server a function, I’ll move on.
CONSTANZA
I don’t know if I should boo or applaud.
MARIA
(Smiles)
You understand then don’t you? Men serve a purpose, but hang around way too long after they’ve served that purpose. Navajo women have it right. I spent a lot of time on the reservation preparing for my last role in a tv movie. See I was playing this latino woman captured by Indians in the early 1800’s…
CONSTANZA
Is there a point to this story?
MARIA
(Annoyed)
Yes, I’ll get to the point. See, the Navajo women own their homes, they are in charge of the family and when they are tired of the men, they put their belongings on the doorstep and send them on their way.
CONSTANZA
I think someone was pulling your leg. That can’t be real.
MARIA
Who cares? I like the idea. Stories can speak the truth and later become reality.
CONSTANZA
I’m getting the impression that reality is not your strong point.
MARIA
Many great leaders didn’t face reality. If Napolean had faced the reality that he was too short, he never would have been a great leader. If Martin Luther King hadn’t had a dream…
CONSTANZA
You’re no Martin Luther King, Jr.
MARIA
You’re missing my point.
CONSTANZA
I don’t need a point. I need a drink.
(Exits R as RICKY enters with two suitcases)
RICKY
(Sets suitcases DC)
What’s with Constanza?
MARIA
Who cares?
(Opens one suitcase)
Let’s see what we can find that might help us.
RICKY
(Can’t open other suitcase)
Do you know the combination to this one?
MARIA
5-5-5.
RICKY
(Gets it open)
That’s not very clever.
MARIA
Actually it is. No one would think he’d use such a stupid combination.
RICKY
(Pulls out weird objects such as a rubber duck, whip, bunny slippers)
What is all this stuff?
MARIA
So he has a few quirks. Who doesn’t?
RICKY
(Pulls out pink bra)
Um… well… can’t say I have anything like this in my wardrobe.
MARIA
(Holds up envelope)
Here’s something.
(Reads outside)
To Maria. Open in case of emergency…
RICKY
Open it. I think this qualifies as an emergency.
MARIA
I guess so.
(Opens envelope and reads letter)
Dear Maria. If you open this envelope, I must be in danger or dead. You must…
(Stops reading)
RICKY
What does it say?
MARIA
(Puts letter away)
Nothing.
RICKY
Come on, Maria. It could be important.
MARIA
It’s private okay? I don’t want to tell you. Comprende?
(Holds letter behind her back)
RICKY
How can I help you and your father if you won’t let me?
(CARMELLA enters L)
MARIA
We don’t need any help.
CARMELLA
(Snatches envelope)
What’s this?
MARIA
Give that back.
CARMELLA
(Takes letter from envelope and MARIA tries to grab it)
Dearest Chihuahua…
MARIA
It doesn’t say that.
CARMELLA
This is interesting.
RICKY
What?
MARIA
(Stares daggers at RICKY)
Who’s side are you on?
RICKY
You made it pretty clear I’m not on your side.
CARMELLA
If I were you, Ricky, I’d get on her side.
(Holds out letter)
She’s just been made the dictator of Chiru.
(MARIA snatches letter away)
RICKY
That’s what you didn’t want to reveal.
MARIA
But it’s only temporary until father is found.
CARMELLA
If he’s ever found.
MARIA
I appreciate you trying to make me feel better.
CARMELLA
You have just been made one of the most powerful women in South America and you want me to feel sorry for you?
MARIA
But I don’t want it…
RICKY
Is there someone else that could do it?
MARIA
The letter says I’m the only one he trusts. I must do it until we know his fate. If he’s only missing and I turn over the government to someone else, he may never get power back again.
CARMELLA
Would that be so bad?
MARIA
Yes, it would. You may not like my papa, but Chiru has had worse dictators.
CARMELLA
True. But they’ve also had better.
RICKY
And you want to change things, Maria. You told me. This is your chance to make a switch. Appoint someone who will help the people and bring stability to the land.
MARIA
Sorry, all those people are dead. Papa couldn’t stand peaceniks.
CARMELLA
Then have a free election. It works for other countries. Let the people decide.
MARIA
We have elections.
CARMELLA
But only for specially selected voters.
RICKY
Specially selected? You mean everyone can’t vote in Chiru?
MARIA
No, papa must certify people before they vote.
RICKY
I take it not everyone can get certified.
MARIA
So he doesn’t let a few people vote.
CARMELLA
Yeah, no communists, socialists, Marxists, environmentalists, anarchists, pacifists, or capitalists.
MARIA
See, only a few people.
RICKY
Come on, that’s got to mean everyone.
MARIA
But it makes the elections very easy.
CARMELLA
The elections are so small they do a hand count.
RICKY
This is hopeless. How does that country survive?
CARMELLA
It takes a lickin’ and keep on tickin’.
RICKY
Then you’ll have to make the changes, Maria. You’ll have to bring peace to your people.
CARMELLA
You’re barking up the wrong tree, mi Chihuahua. She about as likely to bring peace to Chiru as I am to give up men.
MARIA
You don’t know me as well as you think you do.
CARMELLA
Oh, really? Can you honestly tell me you didn’t immediately start thinking of all your papa’s money when he turned up missing?
RICKY
She’s got you there.
MARIA
You’re not helping, Ricky.
RICKY
Fine, I’ll be over at my terminal if you need anything.
CARMELLA
Are you ever nice to anyone?
MARIA
Nice is what you do when you want something.
CARMELLA
Nice is a way of living, playing, being… You could stand to learn about it. Not only would it make you a better leader, but it would make you a better person. Imagine how much better this world would be if everyone tried to be nice.
MARIA
What are you, my mother?
CARMELLA
I wish I were your mother. I’d turn you over my knee and give you a good swat on the backside.
MARIA
I’d like to see you try it.
CARMELLA
Or maybe a good slap across the face would do.
MARIA
Try it and you’ll be sorry.
CARMELLA
(Sarcastic)
Oh, I’m so scared.
MARIA
You should be.
CARMELLA
Grow up, Maria. We’re not servants you can boss around like at home. We have our own thoughts and feelings. You can’t control us here.
MARIA
Want to bet?
CARMELLA
What do you mean?
MARIA
I still have a heightened level of control over a certain male population.
CARMELLA
(Looks at RICKY)
I’ll bet Ricky will get real tired of you soon. He’ll see through you like a bad pair of fishnet stockings.
MARIA
(Eyes narrowing at CARMELLA)
Do we have a bet?
CARMELLA
Sure.
(They shake)
This should be interesting.
MARIA
Watch and learn.
(Gets all teary eyed. Wanders near RICKY)
Oh, what will I do? I’ve lost my father… I’m all alone here…
RICKY
Maria? Are you okay? Can I get you some more cocoa?
MARIA
My pain is more than any cocoa could cure.
RICKY
Your really upset aren’t you? Was it something Carmella said?
MARIA
She said I hated my papa. That’s not true. I loved him. I really did.
RICKY
I know. It’s okay. Carmella didn’t mean it.
MARIA
No, she’s right. I act like I don’t love him. I’m a horrible daughter. And now he’s gone and I’ll never get to tell him I love him.
(Cries and RICKY holds her)
RICKY
Poor, Maria.
(Let’s go of MARIA and goes to CARMELLA annoyed)
How could you upset her like this, Carmella?
CARMELLA
Ricky, don’t you think this fit of hers came on a little suddenly?
RICKY
Yes. What did you say?
CARMELLA
Ricky, it’s all an act. Can’t you see that?
(MARIA cries louder)
RICKY
(Goes to her)
Is there anything I can do?
MARIA
Bring me my papa.
RICKY
We’re trying, Maria.
MARIA
You don’t realize what you have until it’s gone.
RICKY
I wish I knew where he was. I would be the first to help him if I could.
MARIA
What if we never find him?
RICKY
We’ll find him. I promise.
MARIA
You’re so good to me, Ricky. I could use
a man like you at my side.
(She smiles coyly at him)
RICKY
Wha… what do you mean?
MARIA
How would you like to come to Chiru with me?
RICKY
Me? In Chiru?
MARIA
I’ll make you the CEO of AeroPeor. You can become very rich.
RICKY
CEO? But then I’d have to leave my family.
MARIA
Ricky, you could help your family beyond your wildest dreams. You’d all be very rich. That would make him happy, no?
RICKY
Yes, it would.
MARIA
Then, come with me. I will make you very happy too.
(She closes her eyes and leans in to kiss him. He goes to kiss her and she turns so he kisses her cheek)
Thank you, Ricky. I feel much better. I’d like some more cocoa now.
RICKY
Sure, right away.
(Exits R)
MARIA
(Smiles at CARMELLA)
See. I told you.
CARMELLA
Give it time. He’ll see through it.
MARIA
I don’t know… power, riches, a beautiful woman… what more could a guy want?
CARMELLA
A genuine, long lasting relationship?
MARIA
Yeah, right.
(They laugh together)
CARMELLA
It’ll get to him soon. You’ve got him running around like a servant boy.
MARIA
But what else are men good for?
CARMELLA
You’ve got a point there.
MARIA
Can you honestly tell me you’ve never used a man to get what you want?
CARMELLA
Could we change the subject?
MARIA
See, you’re not that different from me.
CARMELLA
(Sadly)
Maybe I’m not.
MARIA
At least I’m honest with myself.
CARMELLA
I think you owe it to Ricky to be honest with him. He’s such a sweet guy.
MARIA
He does seem more genuine than most.
RICKY
(Enters with cocoa)
Here it is.
MARIA
Thank you, Ricky.
(Sips)
I feel better already.
CARMELLA
(CONSTANZA enters with coffee mug in hand. She’s drunk but tries not to show it)
There you are, Constanza. Any leads?
CONSTANZA
I’m having security check the surveillance tapes. We should find out what’s going on that way. Those cameras pick up everything.
CARMELLA
That reminds me. I need a little pick me up. I’m heading up to the lounge.
CONSTANZA
You’re on duty, Carmella.
CARMELLA
Nope. I quit, remember. See ya!
MARIA
I could use something myself. I’m buying.
CARMELLA
Now you’re speaking my language, chica.
(They exit L)
CONSTANZA
Carmella has no sense of loyalty.
RICKY
I’ve been working overtime too. Maybe I should join them.
CONSTANZA
Not you too? Please don’t leave me. I can’t make it through this without you.
RICKY
(Reluctantly)
Okay…
CONSTANZA
Ricky, I know I’ve a real pain since we met… but I’ve gotten to like you…
RICKY
I understand that you’re under a lot of pressure. The circumstances have been unbelievably trying.
CONSTANZA
(Moves closer as if to kiss him)
Oh, Ricky. You’re so understanding. So kind. So cute.
(Tries to kiss him. RICKY stops her)
RICKY
(Sniffs, then gets angry)
You’ve been drinking! And you just got mad at Carmella for going to the lounge… You’re supposed to be an example here.
CONSTANZA
I’m sorry, Ricky. I’ve been very naughty. Maybe you could spank me.
RICKY
(Waves)
Oh, look. Here comes Maria. Maria was just made the new President of Chiru.
CONSTANZA
She was? How?
RICKY
Her father left a message for her in his suitcase. If anything should happen to him, the letter says she is to be president in his place.
CONSTANZA
Stupid suitcase.
(Kicks PINOMORI’s suitcase)
RICKY
That means she’s your new boss.
CONSTANZA
(Tries to compose herself)
Oh, dear.
MARIA
(Enters L)
I decided coffee sounded better.
(Smiles at RICKY)
Could you get me some coffee?
RICKY
Okay…
(Exits R)
CONSTANZA
(To MARIA)
I heard the good news. So you’re the new President?
MARIA
And you’ve been drinking. What did you do, take a bath in it?
CONSTANZA
You see, I was taking to someone in the airport lounge and some guy spilled his drink on me…
MARIA
More like you spilled it on yourself.
(Takes her coffee mug and sniffs it)
And how did this alcohol get in here?
CONSTANZA
Some of it must have spilled in there too.
MARIA
(Hands back mug)
You’re fired.
CONSTANZA
What?
(RICKY reenters R with coffee)
MARIA
You’re fired. Ricky you’re the new regional director. Congratulations.
RICKY
(Shocked)
But… Maria… I can’t…
MARIA
You can and you will. You’ll no doubt do
better than her.
CONSTANZA
Oh… I think I’m going to be sick.
RICKY
Please, Maria. Constanza’s been under a lot of pressure. I know she’ll do better.
MARIA
The best she can hope for is a quick execution.
RICKY
Maria, I’m happy being the Albuquerque manager. I don’t need to be regional director.
MARIA
Or a very rich CEO?
CONSTANZA
CEO? Of AeroPeor?
MARIA
Yes, wouldn’t Ricky make a good CEO?
CONSTANZA
But he… he…
MARIA
(Gives her a stern look)
He what?
CONSTANZA
(Sad)
He’ll do a great job.
RICKY
Fine. Then the first thing I’ll do as CEO is make Constanza regional director again.
CONSTANZA
Really, Ricky? You’re so wonderful.
MARIA
She can’t be regional direct if she’s being executed.
RICKY
Maria…
CONSTANZA
No, Ricky. I can handle this.
(Confronts MARIA)
Now look here you spoiled little excuse for a dictator. One more threat out of you like that and I’ll have those FBI over here so fast… I know a thing or two about you and your family. I didn’t get to be regional director without knowing some secrets about the Pinomori family. Even think about that? Just try something and you’ll go down… hard. Real hard.
(MARIA is speechless and backs off)
MARIA
Look, Constanza. Can I call you Constanza? I’m sorry if I offended you. I tend to be a bit of a bully. But hey, let’s not fight. Like Ricky said, we’re all under a lot of pressure. Sorry, okay?
CONSTANZA
Okay.
MARIA
(Smiles)
Let me get my papa’s suitcases cleaned up for you.
(Picks up suitcases and exits R)
RICKY
(Aside to CONSTANZA)
Wow, you must know some serious secrets to scare Maria like that.
CONSTANZA
(Snickers)
No, not really. I was just bluffing.
RICKY
(Smiles)
You convinced me.
CONSTANZA
I can’t let her push us around like that.
RICKY
I need to stand up to her too. She’s got me running around like some kind of servant boy.
CONSTANZA
It’s one thing to be nice. It’s another to let yourself be stepped on.
RICKY
Sounds like your sobering up a bit.
CONSTANZA
Maybe I wasn’t as drunk as I thought I was. Just enough to let myself go.
(Embarrassed)
Sorry, about… hitting on you…
RICKY
That’s okay.
CONSTANZA
(Smiles)
Would you like me to do it again?
RICKY
(Laughs)
Maybe later.
MARIA
(Enters R)
Security gave me these.
(Holds out envelope to CONSTANZA)
CONSTANZA
The security tape printouts.
(Hands them to RICKY)
Oh, I can’t look.
RICKY
You won’t believe this one.
(Hands the printouts to CONSTANZA)
CONSTANZA
It’s not me is it?
(Shocked when she sees it)
It’s… it’s…
MARIA
What? Who is it?
CONSTANZA
(Hands over printouts)
You won’t believe it.
MARIA
Oh, I believe it…
RICKY
It’s Carmella.
MARIA
I knew she was suspicious.
CONSTANZA
I thought for sure it was those two FBI agents.
MARIA
Where did they disappear to anyway?
RICKY
They found them on the tapes, also. Carmella has them locked up in the Sticky Buns storeroom.
(Starts to go L)
I’ll go get them.
(DICK and JANE appear L)
DICK
No, need.
CONSTANZA
How did you get out? The security tapes show you bound and gagged.
JANE
Which was pure torture with all those Sticky Buns surrounding us?
DICK
Our other agent, Sally, disguised herself as a box of napkins and snuck in.
RICKY
Couldn’t she have just told the Sticky Bun people to let you out?
DICK
FBI agents never take the easy way out of a sticky situation.
JANE
That’s funny. Sticky situation at the Sticky Buns. I’ll use that on my report.
CONSTANZA
What about Pinomori? Do the printouts show where she stashed him?
RICKY
She must have tampered with the cameras in the basement. She went down there with him and disappeared.
(Starts to exit L)
I’ll go check it out.
MARIA
My brave, Ricky.
(She blows a kiss and him. He smiles then rushes off. CONSTANZA rolls her eyes)
I guess he should be careful. Carmella is probably ready for him.
CARMELLA
(Enters L with gun at Ricky’s head)
How right you are, mi amiga.
CONSTANZA
Carmella? What’s going on here?
CARMELLA
I am working for the People’s Freedom Revolution Liberation Party of Chiru. We can no longer stand to have this dictator strip our people of their liberties. We can no longer stand to have him lord over us. We can…
MARIA
We get the idea.
CARMELLA
You’re just as bad as he is.
MARIA
Why, thank you. I’ll take that as a compliment.
CARMELLA
We have plans for you as well.
MARIA
(Sarcastically)
Oh, I’m so scared.
CARMELLA
The PFRLP will not stop until Chiru is free of all tyranny.
MARIA
That’s all terribly touching. I’m inspired, aren’t all of you?
CARMELLA
Careful, senorita or your boyfriend here will get it.
MARIA
That’s okay. There’s more pescados in the sea, as they say.
RICKY
What? Maria?
CARMELLA
Pobrecito, Ricky. Maria doesn’t like you anymore. That’s okay. You can be my little prisoner. I’ll probably treat you better than that diabla anyway.
MARIA
Watch it or I’ll…
CARMELLA
(Points gun at MARIA)
Or you’ll what…
MARIA
Be very annoyed…
(Backs off)
CONSTANZA
So what do you plan to do now?
CARMELLA
(Makes RICKY sit downstage. BERTHA hovers nearby)
I shall simply await my orders.
CONSTANZA
So you’re not here alone?
CARMELLA
Maybe, maybe not.
(CONSTANZA moves closer. CARMELLA waves her gun at CONSTANZA)
Try it, Constanza. I’m ready for you.
CONSTANZA
Just give yourself up, Carmella. We’ve got you.
CARMELLA
As long as I have Pinomori tucked away, I’m not too worried. My sacrifice is a small one.
MARIA
(Pulls CONSTANZA aside)
We’ve got to distract her so someone can jump her.
RICKY
(Winks at DICK and JANE who get ready to make a move)
I’ve got an idea.
(Picks up magazine from check-in desk)
Look, Carmella! The new Victoria’s Secret catalog!
CARMELLA
(Turns excitedly)
Really?
DICK
(Jumps at gun)
Got it!
JANE
Don’t let her go!
(RICKY grabs CARMELLA from behind)
CARMELLA
(Stomps on RICKY’s foot with her spike heel)
Take that!
(RICKY crumbles in pain)
JANE
(Lunges at her)
I got her.
CARMELLA
Do you?
(She
steps aside and she crashes to the ground)
JANE
(Points CARMELLA’s gun at her)
Hold it!
CARMELLA
Ha! It’s not loaded.
(CARMELLA rushes off as fast as possible in her heels)
MARIA
After her!
(DICK and JANE rush after CARMELLA)
CONSTANZA
She’s not getting far in those heels.
RICKY
Watch it!
(A big smack is heard off stage and they all cringe. RICKY and MARIA rushes to their aid)
CONSTANZA
Careful!
MARIA
Got her!
(Drags in CARMELLA by the hair. DICK and JANE limp in after them very hurt. MARIA forces CARMELLA into a chair. RICKY follows)
DICK
(Goes to CARMELLA and points dramatically)
She is your kidnapper!
CONSTANZA
Amazing, aren’t they?
MARIA
I feel safer and safer in this country every time I see them at work.
JANE
Just doing our jobs, ma’am.
DICK
All in the line of duty.
CONSTANZA
Now if we can get her to tell us where Pinomori is being held.
JANE
We have ways of making her talk.
DICK
(Pulls out small club)
We’re your worst nightmare.
(Smacks own hand and hurts it. Tries not to show the pain it caused)
MARIA
And I thought my country had the corner on torture.
RICKY
(Steps in and shoos DICK and JANE aside)
Let me handle this.
(Takes candy bar from his pocket)
Look what I got Carmella.
CARMELLA
What?
RICKY
It’s a chocolate covered chile bar.
CARMELLA
Oooh, my favorite.
RICKY
I’ll give it to you…
(Holds out candy bar then snatches it away when she reaches for it)
… if you tell us where Pinomori is.
CARMELLA
(To self)
Be strong, be strong. You don’t need that chocolate…
RICKY
Suit yourself. I’ll just have to eat it all by my lonesome.
(Starts to unwrap it)
CARMELLA
Look away, Carmella. Don’t look.
(Tries to ignore RICKY but can’t. RICKY is about to take a bite)
Okay! Okay! I’ll talk!
RICKY
I thought you might.
(Dangles chocolate in front of CARMELLA. CARMELLA reaches for it but MARIA holds her back)
CARMELLA
Give it to me!
RICKY
First, tell us where Pinomori is.
CARMELLA
First, the chocolate…
RICKY
No deal.
(Opens his mouth)
CARMELLA
No! I’ll tell. He’s locked in the old bomb shelter.
RICKY
The entrance is close by. The yellow bomb shelter signs point the way.
CONSTANZA
I’ll go check it out.
(CONSTANZA rushes out L. CARMELLA snatches away chocolate bar and eats happily)
JANE
(To RICKY)
I’m impressed.
DICK
Have you even thought of a career with the FBI?
MARIA
(To RICKY)
For that, you deserve something special. Dinner perhaps?
(Everyone is so busy paying attention to RICKY that CARMELLA has snuck out)
RICKY
Uh, people?
MARIA
Yes?
RICKY
She’s getting away.
JANE
We’re on it.
(DICK and JANE chase after her)
RICKY
They’ll be sorry.
(Two thuds are heard)
Ouch.
MARIA
That must have hurt. I guess we better stop her… again.
(Starts to go L)
RICKY
(Stops her)
How could you say that about me?
MARIA
What?
RICKY
That I was replaceable. That Carmella could just shoot me.
MARIA
I didn’t say that. Can we discuss this later? She’s getting away.
RICKY
Actually, I’m starting to think maybe I’m after the wrong person. Is she really the bad guy?
MARIA
What are you talking about?
RICKY
Carmella’s part of a people’s revolt against oppression. She wants her people to be free. You support an evil ruler that wants to hurt anyone that doesn’t bow to his will.
MARIA
But I didn’t break the law. If I don’t break the law, then I’m not the bad guy.
RICKY
Then maybe the law is wrong.
CARMELLA
(Reenters L)
Aren’t you going to chase me, Ricky?
MARIA
Get her!
RICKY
Get her yourself.
CARMELLA
Oh, what’s this? A little domestic squabble?
(To MARIA)
Looks like your girlish charm didn’t work on old Ricky. You lost our little bet, didn’t you?
MARIA
Shut up, you peasant trash…
RICKY
Bet? What bet?
CARMELLA
Maria here bet you would fall for her beauty no matter what she did too you. I bet you’d see through her false front.
RICKY
Seems I have.
MARIA
Ricky, please don’t listen to her.
RICKY
How about I don’t listen to either one of you?
CARMELLA
Hey, Maria? Care to try some of my perfume?
(Holds out bottle)
MARIA
(Goes at CARMELLA)
Look here you little…
(CARMELLA sprays her and she passes out)
RICKY
What did you do?
CARMELLA
This…
(Sprays RICKY and he passes out)
So sad we couldn’t be on the same side, Ricky. You’d be a bueno rebel.
(Puts MARIA on a baggage cart and rushes her off R. CONSTANZA enters L and finds RICKY on the floor)
CONSTANZA
Ricky? Are you okay?
RICKY
(Groggy)
Uh, my head. What happened?
CONSTANZA
I don’t know. Where’s Maria?
RICKY
(Remembers)
Maria? Oh, no. Carmella took her.
(Struggles to get up)
CONSTANZA
How?
RICKY
She sprayed us with some kind of knock out gas. That’s all I remember.
CONSTANZA
Where’s those FBI agents? They’re supposed to be protecting us.
RICKY
Didn’t you go to find Pinomori?
CONSTANZA
I couldn’t find him either.
CARMELLA
(Enters with two guns)
That’s because I took care of them.
CONSTANZA
I assume that’s loaded this time.
CARMELLA
Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Care to find out?
CONSTANZA
Not really.
CARMELLA
Now that I have Maria and Papa Pino, I’ll be leaving. I’ll just disappear into Mexico for awhile. Just long enough for our agents in Chiru to overthrow the government.
CONSTANZA
How? What about all the snow?
CARMELLA
I rented the last SUV this afternoon. I have the Pinomoris in the SUV now. We’re ready to vamos.
RICKY
What about us? What are you going to do?
CARMELLA
I’ll have to tie you up in the bomb shelter. Maybe somebody will find you, maybe they won’t. As long as it buys me time to get away.
RICKY
But what about those FBI agents?
CARMELLA
Where do you think I got these guns? They have no way of stopping me.
(DICK and JANE enter with two guns each)
JANE
Think again.
DICK
Reach for the sky.
CONSTANZA
Where did you get all these guns?
JANE
Off a flight from Dallas.
CARMELLA
I seem to be outgunned.
(She drops her guns. Then holds up small box)
But I have this!
RICKY
What is it?
CARMELLA
A trigger for the bombs I rigged in the SUV that has Pinomori and his daughter inside. One move and I blow them sky high.
JANE
But I have this!
RICKY
What is it?
DICK
A jamming device to keep her device from working.
CARMELLA
Let’s find out if you device works as well as mine.
(JANE and CARMELLA throw their switches. Nothing happens)
RICKY
I don’t hear an explosion. I assume that’s good news.
CARMELLA
(Throws device on floor and stomps on it)
Stupid piece of cheap terrorist crap!
JANE
(On radio)
Agent Sally. You may bring in the Pinomoris.
DICK
Agent Sally had already moved into position in the SUV.
RICKY
What? Is she disguised as a spare tire?
JANE
How did you know?
RICKY
(Rolls his eyes)
Lucky guess.
CARMELLA
I hope you’re all happy. You’ve managed to crush our one chance at freedom for our people.
PINOMORI
(Enters R with MARIA and SALLY)
Maybe not, Carmella.
CARMELLA
What do you mean?
PINOMORI
(Goes to her and takes her hands)
Your actions have moved me. Your passion inspired me. I haven’t felt this way since… since I lost mi amor.
CARMELLA
But I kidnapped you, tied you up, threatened to kill you…
PINOMORI
And I haven’t had so much fun in years!
MARIA
Papa, what are you saying?
CARMELLA
Maybe I hit him a little too hard on the head.
PINOMORI
You hit me just hard enough to bring me to my senses. What an incredible day!
MARIA
Maybe if we hit him again he’ll go back to normal.
PINOMORI
I don’t want to be normal. I’m in love.
(Embraces CARMELLA and kisses her)
Carmella. Will you do me the honor of being my wife?
CARMELLA
I don’t know what to say?
PINOMORI
Together we can bring peace to our country. The peoples will love you. They will worship you. You can unite our two sides and bring happiness to us all.
CARMELLA
To heck with the peoples. I’m going to be rich!
(Hugs PINOMORI)
PINOMORI
Let us take that SUV to the hotel and celebrate.
(Says SUV: es, oo, va)
CARMELLA
I’ll give you a celebration you won’t forget.
PINOMORI
Thank you one and all for this most enchanting visit. I’m sure Carmella and I will return many times to visit your wonderful airport.
(He exits R with CARMELLA)
CONSTANZA
(Says a prayer)
Oh, please God, never let him visit again.
MARIA
Amen to that.
JANE
Just one minute. Carmella can’t simply leave.
DICK
Someone must pay for this disorderly conduct.
MARIA
I will take full responsibility for what happened here tonight.
RICKY
What? But you didn’t have anything to do with it.
MARIA
According to you, I had everything to do with it. Carmella wouldn’t have done anything if my family had treated the people better. My father has a lifetime of excuses. But I don’t. Take me in. I’ll pay for these crimes.
JANE
This is highly unusual. Can we prosecute her?
DICK
Let’s question her for the report at least.
JANE
(Takes MARIA by the arm)
And don’t answer too easily. Let us force the answers out of you.
RICKY
How are you getting out of here? We’re still snowed in.
DICK
Then we’ll have to interrogate her at the Sticky Buns.
JANE
(Into radio)
Section off Sticky Buns. Secure area. An order of one roll and coffee please.
DICK
Make that two.
JANE
(Into radio)
Two orders.
(SALLY pulls on JANE’s sleeve)
Sorry, three orders of Sticky Buns. Two coffees and one milk.
(SALLY nods happily)
MARIA
What about me?
DICK
You can buy if you like.
(DICK, JANE, and SALLY take MARIA and exit L)
CONSTANZA
I could use some coffee myself.
RICKY
I could use something a little stronger than that.
CONSTANZA
Hey, I think the snow’s melting.
RICKY
Oh, man. Back to work.
CONSTANZA
The next flight isn’t for a few hours. Could I talk you into that coffee?
RICKY
I am so wiped out, you could probably talk me into about anything now.
CONSTANZA
Oh, really?
RICKY
You know, Constanza, if it weren’t for your bossy, gruff exterior, we might actually hit it off.
CONSTANZA
After tonight, I’m not up to bossing anyone anymore. I hear there’s an opening at the Albuquerque branch of AeroPeor.
RICKY
I believe Carmella is transferring to our Chiru office.
CONSTANZA
Do you think the manager here might consider my application?
RICKY
Consider yourself hired.
CONSTANZA
I think I’m going to like it here.
RICKY
So that means the regional director job is open. Maybe I should apply?
CONSTANZA
What is this? Musical jobs?
RICKY
It sure felt that way tonight.
CONSTANZA
(Looks L)
Here comes, Maria.
RICKY
That was a quick interrogation.
CONSTANZA
I guess I better leave you two alone.
RICKY
Probably…
(CONSTANZA starts to go L sadly)
…I should probably tell her off alone.
CONSTANZA
(Brightens)
Tell her off and you’ll lose your chance at the Regional Director’s job.
RICKY
I’m just happy to not be a bag boy anymore. Who needs to be Regional Director.
CONSTANZA
The job is overrated. Trust me.
(Smiles)
Does this mean you and Maria…
RICKY
We’re finished. I can’t believe I fell for her like that.
CONSTANZA
I can. She’s gorgeous. If I were a guy, I’d do her.
RICKY
RICKY
Maria’s kind of like an AeroPeor airplane. Sure, it looks good on the outside. Sure, we’ve got pretty stewardesses. Sure, the seats are comfortable. But open it up and take a look at the engine… you’ll be sorry.
CONSTANZA
(Starts to exit R)
Goodnight, Ricky.
RICKY
(Stops her)
Hey, Constanza. Could we get dinner later?
CONSTANZA
(Looks at watch)
How about breakfast?
RICKY
(Laughs)
Sounds good to me.
(CONSTANZA smiles and exits R)
RICKY
(MARIA enters L)
That has to be the quickest interrogation in FBI history.
MARIA
Stupid agents got so excited about their Sticky Buns, they forgot about me.
(Goes to embrace RICKY)
Now that this is all over, why don’t you come back to my apartment…
RICKY
(Pushes MARIA away)
Thanks but no thanks.
MARIA
(Hurt)
What do you mean?
RICKY
I have a confession to make.
MARIA
What?
RICKY
I don’t like you.
MARIA
Not even a little?
RICKY
I thought I liked you. Before I met you I practically worshiped you. But the woman I see on TV isn’t the one I see here before me now.
MARIA
Maybe you’re thinking of that Sandra Bullock. People are always getting us confused.
RICKY
Somebody’s confused. That’s for sure.
MARIA
Why are you still upset? Papa is going to marry Carmella and unite the factions of Chiru. We’ll finally have peace.
RICKY
Power corrupts, Maria. Carmella will be put on display and things will quiet down for awhile. But things won’t change. They never do.
MARIA
I don’t even know why I like you. You depress me.
RICKY
Go then. I’m not stopping you. The snow is melting and you’re free.
MARIA
Fine. I’ll go. But you’ll regret this. You’ll never have a chance to be with someone like me ever again.
RICKY
You promise?
MARIA
(Breaks down crying)
You’re the wicked one now. How can you be so hurtful?
RICKY
(Trying not to give in)
Those real or fake tears?
MARIA
What do you care?
RICKY
Maria, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be so cold, but you must admit, you haven’t treated me very well tonight.
MARIA
I don’t treat anyone very well.
RICKY
Do you know why?
MARIA
Maybe I try to make people hate me, because it’s doesn’t hurt so much when they leave me.
RICKY
Like your mother?
MARIA
Mind your own business. I don’t need you to psychoanalyze me.
RICKY
I’m sorry. Please, don’t be mad. I’m just trying to help.
MARIA
The best way to help me is to leave me alone.
RICKY
Fine, Maria. Go. Forgive me for trying to be nice.
MARIA
Nice? You call this nice? Rejecting me, telling me I’m a horrible person…
RICKY
That’s not what I’m saying.
MARIA
Then what are you saying?
RICKY
Try being friendly once in a while. Be yourself and don’t put on an act.
MARIA
What if no one likes me that way?
RICKY
Someone will. I believe we all have someone special waiting for us.
MARIA
I hope you’re right.
RICKY
I know I’m right.
MARIA
Ricky? Do you think you could be that someone special?
RICKY
I don’t know, Maria. Let’s give it some time. Right now, I’m tired, hungry and confused.
MARIA
Is it okay if I look you up sometime?
RICKY
I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now. But one thing’s for sure.
MARIA
What’s that Ricky?
RICKY
We’ll always have Albuquerque.
END OF PLAY