BIG NOSE
(A Modern Day Cyrano)
Rough Draft
by D. M. Bocaz-Larson
Copyright © 1994
All Rights Reserved*
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This play is free for your use as long as you are performing the play for educational purposes or for fund raising for a non-profit organization. If you do not meet these requirement, there is a $20 royalty per performance. NOTE: The play may not be reproduced or published in any form without written permission from the author. The royalty payment can be sent via http://www.paypal.com or mailed to: D. M. Bocaz-Larson, 1721 Encino Ave., Grants, New Mexico 87020 USA.
Thank you for selecting my script. I hope you enjoy it.
Sincerely, D. M. Bocaz-Larson
Author contact information:
D. M. Bocaz-Larson
Grants, NM 87020
*
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* * *
ACT I Scene 1
(Lights come up on a
poorly constructed set.
There is a balcony with
odd colored cloth hanging
down
and a backdrop that is supposed to be a
castle. Two men enter in Shakespearean type
dress. They are very bad actors who think they
are
very good)
CAPTAIN
Look
at yonder window, friend. She awaits me,
she does.
FRIEND
Doth
she?
CAPTAIN
She
does.
FRIEND
But
doth she love thee?
CAPTAIN
She
does.
FRIEND
Did
she telleth thou so?
CAPTAIN
She
did.
FRIEND
So good for you.
MAN
(From audience)
So
bad for us!
(He and friends
laugh. The two actors take a
quick
glance out in surprize then quickly get back
in
character)
CAPTAIN
Uh...
yes. She loveth
me. She wroteth a letter.
(Takes
it out. Sniffs lovingly)
Ah,
doth though smelleth her fragrance? Doth though find it heavenly?
FRIEND
(Excited)
I
smell. I smell.
MAN
You
can say that again.
(He and friends
laugh. The two actors try to hide
their
anger, but they don't do it well)
CAPTAIN
Tonight,
I shall go to her. Tonight. Tonight!
MAN
When?!
CAPTAIN
(Angry. Trying to be more dramatic)
Tonight!
MAN
(Mocking)
I
can't hear you.
CAPTAIN
(Turns to run off the
stage)
Now
look here!
(FRIEND grabs him)
FRIEND
I
can not let you go to her.
CAPTAIN
(One more look than back to play)
I
must. Or my heart...
MAN
Will
bust!
FRIEND
Stop!
I can't let you.
CAPTAIN
Why
doth thou stopeth me?
FRIEND
Because she is to be mine.
CAPTAIN
Thou
must jest.
FRIEND
I
jest not.
CAPTAIN
Then
we must fight to our deaths.
MAN
We
can only hope.
FRIEND
(They pull swords)
We
fight for love!
(They
dual. MAN sings "Love Boat
Theme." He gets
others
to join in. CAPTAIN is stabbed)
CAPTAIN
Oh,
my heart. My loving
heart. My heart is stabbed. I can love no more.
FRIEND
Oh,
my captain. I have slain thee. But how?
MAN
What
do you mean "how"? What's
that in your hand, a butter knife?
CAPTAIN
I
die now. I die. I leave thee to love for I can love no
more. My heart is worn. My blood will pour this night no more. I leave my sword, my rank, my love. You have it all now. You have everything I desire.
(Cough)
I
die and leave thee. I die and leave thee
these words.
MAN
Will
you just die already?!
CAPTAIN
(Jumps up)
I've
had it with you!
MAN
It's
a miracle. He's alive.
CAPTAIN
(Picks up his sword)
Come
on, whoever you are. I've had it with
you. One night is bad enough but three
in a row!
MAN
(Runs up onto the stage)
Do
you not know me?
(The man is CYRIL DE
BURG, local jokester. He is
well
known for his big nose)
CAPTAIN
Oh,
yeah. I know you now. I've heard about you. You're the one with the big nose.
(Gasp from CYRIL'S
friends)
JACK
(From audience)
You
shouldn't have said that.
CYRIL
You're
offended by my nose?
CAPTAIN
It
is no stranger than a dog with two tails.
(He laughs but no one
laughs with him)
CYRIL
There
was a poem a read once. It goes
something like this:
(Picking up a sword)
"Roses
are red. Violets are fuchsia. What you dish out, comes right back to ya'.
(And CYRIL quickly
unarms the CAPTAIN with a twist
of
his sword)
CAPTAIN
(Looks at empty hand)
How
did you do that?
CYRIL
CAPTAIN
(Backs away)
No
hard feeling, huh?
CYRIL
None at all.
(CAPTAIN starts to go)
Oh,
by the way.
CAPTAIN
(Stops almost off stage)
Yes?
CYRIL
I
look forward to seeing your performance tomorrow night.
CAPTAIN
Oh,
no.
CYRIL
Oh,
yes.
CAPTAIN
Oh,
golly.
(Exits)
LADY
(Comes out on balcony)
What's
going on out here?
CYRIL
(To audience)
Now,
for the moment you've all been waiting for.
The farewell kiss. When we last left our hero, he was flat on
the floor, bleeding and giving some terribly boring speech. But his fair lady comes out and sees him
dying. She calls out to him:
(He points to her)
LADY
(She gives him a dirty
look)
What
is this?
CYRIL
And
she says...
LADY
(Sighs. Speaks flatly)
Oh,
but I must have one good-bye kiss.
CYRIL
And
so our hero, though he is bleeding to death, uses his last bit of strength to
climb up to her.
(He does these
actions. The LADY looks very
annoyed. He is almost to her)
He
wants that one last kiss. The kiss he
has been dreaming of. But before he can
reach her he tosses the mortal coil.
UHHH!
(He dies and falls. Looks out at audience)
And dies.
(Sits up)
Finally.
LADY
That
isn't how it ends.
CYRIL
It
isn't?
LADY
No.
(She looks at him)
It
ends with a kiss.
CYRIL
It
does?
LADY
Yes.
CYRIL
Really?
(He climbs up again)
Could
you perhaps... show me?
LADY
(She looks at him
critically and then smiles. She
leans
to almost kiss him)
In your dreams.
(She pushes him
off. BLACKOUT)
Scene
2
(Lights come up on same
theatre. Workers are
taking
down the set as CYRIL and KELLY talk)
KELLY
It
wasn't that bad of a play.
CYRIL
It
wasn't?
KELLY
Those
guys are professionals. I was lucky to
even get them to come to my theatre. You
know how hard it is to get anything to come to this town.
CYRIL
I
think we're better off without them.
KELLY
That's
easy for you to say. You don't have 6
hours to find something to take their place.
CYRIL
Well... Let's see.
There must be something we put together in six hours. I know.
We could bring in the National Guard troops and we could blow something
up. That ought to get someone's
attention.
KELLY
Yeah,
my insurance company for one.
CYRIL
It
was just an idea. The troops need
something to do. The National Guard
doesn't see too much action around here.
The last time we did something was when some sheep were blocking I-40
and this semi…
KELLY
(Interrupts him)
If
it would work I would do it. I'm getting
pretty desperate.
CYRIL
You
can't say I didn't try.
KELLY
I
can't say you helped either.
(She paces angrily)
CYRIL
Okay. I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry. But
that show was awful. And please don't
tell me you thought otherwise.
KELLY
Fine. I
won't. Yes, they were bad. I took a gamble when I booked them. Now I know that professional doesn't mean
good. But Cyril, what am I going to
do? I have two more days without
anything booked. The payments on this
place are killers. I can't leave the
place idle.
CYRIL
I
have an idea.
KELLY
What?
CYRIL
We'll
have a community talent show.
KELLY
I
don't think anyone has any talent around here.
CYRIL
Sure
they do.
KELLY
Like
what?
CYRIL
Well...
uh... like you. You can sing... and act.
KELLY
There's
one.
CYRIL
And
I can recite poetry.
KELLY
I
heard your latest last night. I'm not
sure it was much better than the play.
CYRIL
I
bet if you advertised right you'd get all kinds of acts.
KELLY
In
six hours?
CYRIL
If
you gave a prize, they'd come.
KELLY
I
don't know about this, Cyril.
CYRIL
I'll
help.
KELLY
You'd
better.
CYRIL
Then
we'll do it?
KELLY
(Sighs)
I
guess. What else can I do?
CYRIL
You
won't be sorry.
KELLY
I
bet you I will.
CYRIL
Have
I ever let you down?
KELLY
There
was that time your National Guard guys blew up my garage.
CYRIL
You
said there wasn't anything important in there.
KELLY
I
didn't think you'd blow it up.
CYRIL
Try
not to be so vague next time.
KELLY
Sometime
you drive me nuts.
CYRIL
(Smiles and hugs her)
But
you're still crazy about me.
KELLY
I
think crazy is the right word.
(Then ROXY enters. She looks around curiously.
CYRIL becomes a frozen
statue, staring at ROXY)
Cyril. What's wrong?
CYRIL
(Looking at ROXY)
Who
is that?
KELLY
Huh?
(Sees ROXY)
I
don't know. Maybe it's someone checking
into the technical assistant job.
CYRIL
Hire
her.
KELLY
What?
CYRIL
Please.
KELLY
Cyril. What's gotten into you?
CYRIL
Go
talk to her.
KELLY
Why
don't you?
CYRIL
I've
gotta go.
(ROXY comes their way)
Bye.
(CYRIL exits quickly)
ROXY
(Goes to a confused
KELLY)
Hi,
my name is Roxy Carlton. Are you Kelly Hope?
KELLY
Yes,
I am.
(She is still trying to
figure out CYRIL)
ROXY
I'm
here to apply for the technical assistant job.
KELLY
Huh? Oh, yes.
Very good.
You have any experience?
ROXY
Quite a bit actually. I graduated with a degree in technical
theater from
KELLY
ROXY
Was
that the guy you were talking to? I
thought he looked familiar. He was in
theatre, wasn't he?
KELLY
I
think so. At least he was when he didn't
have his nose in some great work of literature.
Cyril is determined to be a Wordsworth or a Keats.
ROXY
I
was a freshman when he was a senior. He
never knew me. I remember him though.
KELLY
He
is hard to forget.
ROXY
You
two close?
KELLY
Sort of. Closer than I like to be sometimes. I married his brother.
ROXY
He
seems very nice.
KELLY
If you say so.
(CHUCK walks by)
Hey,
Chuck. Get out that old talent show
banner and hang it over the stage.
CHUCK
Okay.
(He exits)
KELLY
What
other experience do you have?
ROXY
(Hands over resume)
I
spent two years with theatre in
(CHUCK and another
worker come in with sign. They
put
up the sign during the following with moderate
success)
KELLY
This
looks really good, but I have one question.
ROXY
Yes?
KELLY
What
in the world brought you to Windy Rock,
ROXY
I
hate big cities. To be honest I was
hoping for a little bigger place than this...
KELLY
It
may be small, but people here love theatre.
And if you ever feel the need for city life,
ROXY
(Joking)
30,000? Wow, that's big.
KELLY
I
tell you, if it weren't for my husband's job I would be out of here. I'd take
ROXY
It's
over-rated. Trust me.
KELLY
Well,
since you're determined to stay I may as well offer you the job.
ROXY
I
have the job?
KELLY
The
only other person who has applied is some guy who fixes tractors. You're a bit more qualified.
ROXY
Thanks. When do I start?
KELLY
Tonight.
We have a talent show to put on.
(Sees CHUCK and worker's
poor progress)
What
are you two doing?
(They stop and stare)
Just
leave it and I'll fix it.
CHUCK
Okay.
(They exit)
KELLY
How
about starting now? I could use the
help.
ROXY
Sure.
(And they start putting
up the sign as the lights
fade
to black)
Scene 3
(Music is 1812
overture. Lights come up on a the
Talent
Show in progress. The stage is
cleared and
looks
nice. A girl in a weird outfit dances to
the
music. Music ends. CHUCK holds up an
applause
sign. Audience claps. She bows and
KELLY comes out)
KELLY
That
was Star Angel with her dance routine to the 1812 overture. Let's give her another big hand.
(Girl exits)
We've
had a great time tonight. I appreciate
all of you that came out to support us tonight.
And we had some surprisingly good acts too. So if all our contestants will come out.
(All the various talents
come out. Everyone has
rather
interesting get-ups and items they carry
out. The costumes should make you wonder what
they
did on stage. For example, one guy might
be
wearing
a tux top with shorts, carrying a whip,
and
dragging a stuffed animal by a rope.
CYRIL is
among
them)
Who
will be the winner of our all expense paid trip to Grants,
(Applause)
Here
to announce the winner is our new technical director, Roxy
Carlton.
(Applause. ROXY comes out in a stunning dress.
CYRIL'S mouth drops
open)
ROXY
And
the winner is:
(Opens envelope)
Cyril
DeBurge!
(Wild
applause. Someone pushes CYRIL
forward.
KELLY guides him
up. ROXY gives him a fancy
envelope
and a kiss on the cheek. CYRIL is
speechless)
KELLY
You
have a few words for us, Cyril?
JANE
(From audience)
Tell
us some more jokes!
(Wild applause)
CYRIL
(Takes one last look at
ROXY who smiles and
nods. He steps forward. Others clear stage)
I
don't know what to say.
CAPTAIN
(Appears out of
audience)
What's
the matter? Cat got your tongue.
CYRIL
Oh? You're still in town? Did they leave without you?
(Aside)
I
know I would.
CAPTAIN
Aren't
you being a little nosey?
(Referring to CYRIL'S
nose)
I
guess you're probably always nosing around.
(CYRIL is mad. ROXY, KELLY and others reappear
on
stage)
What's
wrong? I guess nobody nose!
CYRIL
Is
that all you can think up?
CAPTAIN
I'm
sure I could come up with a few more.
CYRIL
I
bet you can't.
CAPTAIN
Wanna bet?
CYRIL
Gladly.
KELLY
Cyril. What are you doing?
(CYRIL waves her down)
CYRIL
I
challenge you to a dual of jokes.
Whoever tells the most nose jokes...
(CAPTAIN is up on stage)
CAPTAIN
Yes?
CYRIL
(Thinks. Grabs ROXY who comes along)
Gets a kiss from the lovely lady.
KELLY
Cyril!
ROXY
No,
it's okay.
CAPTAIN
(Eyeing ROXY)
I'll
gladly accept.
CYRIL
(Motions to CAPTAIN)
Ladies first.
CAPTAIN
Ha,
ha. Very funny.
CYRIL
I
thought so. Shall we begin?
CAPTAIN
Okay,
big nose.
(Laughs)
There's
one.
CYRIL
That's
it? But I guess I shouldn't expect much
from someone who must use his nose to count to eleven.
FRED
(From audience)
One
- one!
CYRIL
No,
no. We are insulting my nose, not
his. Let's see. Oh, yes.
Aggressive: Sir, if I had such a nose, I would cut it off to please, not
spite, my face.
(Looks at audience)
One
- one.
CAPTAIN
Your
nose is so big you must use a box of tissues a day.
(A few boos from
audience)
CYRIL
Oh,
let's give it to him. Two - one.
(Thinks)
Hummmm.
(Finds a glass at a on
stage table)
Ah,
here's one: Can you drink from a glass with a nose like that, or must you use a
bucket?
(Tries
to drink from it. Can't)
SALLY
Two
- two!
CAPTAIN
(Frustrated. Then smiles)
I've
seen a bigger nose. On
an elephant.
CYRIL
Very good.
Three - two.
(Thinks.
Smiles)
Descriptive:
It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a 747!
JANE
Three
all!
CAPTAIN
(Annoyed)
Uh,
your nose is so big you... you...
CYRIL
See
the snot before you hear the sneeze?
(Some moans, some
laughs)
JACK
That
point goes to CYRIL.
CAPTAIN
He
didn't let me finish.
CYRIL
Go
ahead.
CAPTAIN
It's
so big... you're always nosing around.
(Boos)
CYRIL
No
point.
(CAPTAIN scowls)
I
know. On exercise: I've heard of people
developing their muscles, but you developed your nose?
CAPTAIN
Uh...
CYRIL
Gracious:
How kind of you! How many people put a
bird perch on their own face?
CAPTAIN
Now
look here...
CYRIL
When
you have a cigarette and blow out your nose, do the neighbors cry, "Look
out! A chimney's on fire!"
CAPTAIN
Forget
it... I'm through...
CYRIL
(Stops him)
But
I'm just getting started. When you go to
the movies, do they charge you twice?
FRED
Seven
to three!
CAPTAIN
It
is not!
CYRIL
Flippant:
Oh, like wow! This must be a new
craze! Clever,
fashionable, and useful too. A man with his own coat hanger.
CAPTAIN
I
don't have to stay and listen to this.
CYRIL
Wait! Only four more.
(Stops CAPTAIN)
When
it bleeds, do you call it the
(Laughter)
Hey,
that thing's nearly a house... and wow, what a view!
(Thinks)
SALLY
Two
more!
CYRIL
Realistic:
You can't tell me that's a nose. I know
what that is. That's a potato.
(CAPTAIN is really
ticked)
And
for my final insult: Musical. Sing with
me now:
(Audience sings)
Nobody
NOSE the trouble I've seen. Nobody NOSE
my sorrow.
(Wild applause)
CAPTAIN
I'm
out of here.
CYRIL
Don't
forget to write.
ROXY
You
were wonderful.
CYRIL
(Blushes)
Thanks.
ROXY
And for your prize... a kiss.
(She kisses him on the
cheek. CHUCK holds up the
applause
sign. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)
Scene 4
(Lights come up on Cyril
who is alone on stage.
He is in his National
Guard uniform. He is pacing
and
looking at his watch)
CYRIL
Where
are they? I sounded the disaster alarm
twenty minutes ago. Heaven forbid we
have a disaster around here.
CHUCK
(Enters)
Hi.
CYRIL
Where
have you been? Didn't you hear the
alarm?
CHUCK
Uh-huh. It's real loud.
CYRIL
And
don't you know what that mean when you hear that alarm?
CHUCK
I
know it's something real bad.
CYRIL
And
did this take you twenty minutes to figure this out?
CHUCK
(Thinks. Looks at watch. Counts figures)
Just
about.
CYRIL
Just
go. Just get out of here. We'll do this again another day.
(Sits. Tired)
I
don't even know why I try.
FRED
(Enters)
Hey,
howdy, sir. We got the troops ready for
action.
(JANE, SALLY, JACK enter
with FRED. They are in
full
uniform, ready for disaster)
CYRIL
Where
have you all been?
FRED
(Looks confused)
Been? We've been getting ready, sir.
CYRIL
Getting
ready for what? The
apocalypse?! I've been here for
twenty minutes!
FRED
Weren't
we supposed to get ready first?
CYRIL
We
were to meet at the theatre to make our plan of attack. How can you know what equipment you'll need
if you don't know what disaster we're facing?
SALLY
He's
got a point, Fred.
FRED
Shut up, Sally.
JANE
I knew we should have come here first.
JACK
Can
we go know? I have to be to town by
five.
CYRIL
Oh,
sure, Jack. I wouldn't want to interfere
with your busy schedule. In fact, why
don't I tell you when a disaster is coming a week in advance. That way you can plan ahead of time to make
sure you're free!
JACK
(Pause. Meekly)
That
would be nice.
CYRIL
But
it's not going to happen, Jack! God
doesn't call ahead to let me know when these things happen. They just do.
And that's why we've got to be ready.
SALLY
I
think we're getting tired of being ready.
We do these stupid drills once a week and for what? Nothing ever happens. This has got to be the safest place on Earth.
CYRIL
Fine. Why
don't you all go home.
Take the day off. When there is
an Earthquake or a blizzard and the people crowd into this little theatre
looking for help, I'll take them there's nothing we can do, because we aren't
prepared to help. You people need to
know the drills...
JANE
Cyril. We know them, okay. We know them too well. I'm sorry we're late, but this is getting
old.
FRED
You're
a good man, Cyril, but this is getting to be too much.
CYRIL
Go
home then.
SALLY
Hey, Cyril.
Don't be mad...
CYRIL
I
said go home!
(They back off. KELLY walks in)
I've
been a failure socially. I might as well
be a failure at my job too.
KELLY
(Motions everyone to
leave)
You
guys go on home.
(They go sadly)
CYRIL
Save
your breath, Kelly. I don't need
anyone's sympathy. I'm used to
disappointment. I experience it every
morning when I look in the mirror.
KELLY
Not
have a good day, huh?
CYRIL
Some
people have bad hair days. I have bad
nose days.
KELLY
So
all this glumness isn't about the Goof Troop?
CYRIL
If
I let them get to me, I'd have to check into a sanitarium.
KELLY
Why'd
you even try to have a drill if you were feeling so bad?
CYRIL
Oh,
I thought I might as well ruin my day all together.
KELLY
Why
are you feeling so down anyway?
CYRIL
It
was last night.
KELLY
Last
night? I thought you had a great time. I swear you and Roxy
were here half the night talking.
CYRIL
And
that's we did was talk. And that's all
we can ever do, is talk. What else would
a woman want with me?
KELLY
Don't
tell me you've fallen for Roxy.
CYRIL
Okay,
I won't.
KELLY
Man,
you've got good taste. She's beautiful
and smart...
CYRIL
And way out of my league. What is my league, anyway? Bearded ladies? The mail order kind?
KELLY
You
never know, she might...
CYRIL
Don't
even kid yourself. Someone like her is
looking for someone a lot better looking than me. Someone like him would fit the bill.
(In walks CHRIS, a new
recruit)
KELLY
Who's
that?
CYRIL
Beats me.
Shall we find out?
KELLY
Be
my guest.
CYRIL
Hello,
there.
CHRIS
Oh,
hi. Someone said I'd find the captain of
the National Guard here.
CYRIL
You're
looking at him.
CHRIS
Oh,
yes. I see. Uh...
(CHRIS is staring at CYRIL's nose)
CYRIL
Is
something wrong?
CHRIS
Well,
no. It's only I...
CYRIL
You
can say it. I'm a big boy.
CHRIS
You...
well they said... but...
CYRIL
It's
a legend in itself, I know. It's been
heard about for miles around. Or at
least the sneezes have.
(KELLY laughs)
That
was a joke soldier.
CHRIS
(Tries to laugh)
Very funny, sir.
CYRIL
What's
your name?
CHRIS
Chris. Sgt. Christian Lofton.
CYRIL
Nice
sounding name. Welcome aboard.
CHRIS
Here
are my papers.
CYRIL
You
have a place, yet?
CHRIS
No,
I barely got into town.
CYRIL
Well,
you've come to the right place. My
sister-in-law here knows everyone there is to know in this town and she will
make sure you are well treated.
CHRIS
Thank
you.
KELLY
I'll
call around and find you a place.
CHRIS
You
don't have to do that.
KELLY
Hey,
no problem. I like doing favors. That way I don't have to feel guilty when I
ask you for one in return.
(KELLY exits)
CHRIS
She
was nice. Too bad she's married.
CYRIL
Kelly?
Yeah, she's okay. But you'll find there's lots of eligible bachelorettes around.
CHRIS
Like
her?
(ROXY walks in)
CYRIL
Who?
(Sees who and gets
worried)
Well,
no...
CHRIS
Is
she married too?
CYRIL
No,
but...
CHRIS
What? Is she dating you or something?
(Laughs. CHRIS can't see CYRIL and ROXY together)
ROXY
Hi, Cyril.
Who's this?
CHRIS
My
name's Chris.
ROXY
Nice to meet you.
CHRIS
Nice to... meet you.
ROXY
Are
you a new recruit?
CHRIS
Uh, yeah.
How could you tell?
ROXY
I
can spot a military man a mile away. My
father was one.
CHRIS
So
was my dad.
CYRIL
This
is all very touching.
ROXY
Well,
I have errands to run. Nice meeting you.
CHRIS
You too.
(ROXY exits)
Wow,
oh, wow. What a babe.
CYRIL
I
would appreciate it if you didn't address her that way.
CHRIS
What
are you, her dad?
CYRIL
No,
I don't think that kind of talk is appropriate for a soldier.
CHRIS
Then
I guess you haven't been a soldier in quite some time. I'll see you around, sir.
CYRIL
(Grabs CHRIS)
You
better watch yourself, soldier. You're
new to this town and we don't warm well to strangers who don't understand our
ways.
CHRIS
(Pulls away)
And
you'll find I'm not so easy to push around.
(Mad)
Look,
sir. I tell you the real reason I'm
here. The New Mexico National Guard
knows what kind of operation you have going here and they don't like it. They want to see some changes and I'm here to
tell them what kind of changes they need to make. And if one of those changes needs to be
you...
CYRIL
Get
out of here.
CHRIS
What?
CYRIL
Get
out of here before I do something that will give New Mexico National Guard something
to talk about.
CHRIS
See
you tomorrow, sir.
CYRIL
What
a perfect end to a truly perfect day.
(LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)
NOTES:
CYRIL
can't find a way to persue ROXY, tries a letter,
CHRIS finds it, wants it
CHRIS
gets CYRIL to write notes in return for good reports
give you the top
rating, they trust me
CYRIL-what
do you get, Chris-a
nice break, romance, I never can get this kind of chick, she has class and a
body to match Cyril-I feel like a
pimp Chris-price you pay, worth it? Cyril thinks-hands over letter
ACT
II
Scene
1
(The second act takes
place at the National Guard
Headquarters. The set can be as simple as green
or
camouflage canvas as a background. CYRIL
is
there
alone half-pacing, half-marching)
CYRIL
All
right, troops. It's half-past nine. The enemy rolled in at nine. I am surrounded. I have no troops. I have no way to escape. So my only course of action is to give the
enemy your home addresses and let them hunt you down.
KELLY
(Enters)
You
busy?
CYRIL
What's
that? Quiet down, men. Someone's trying to talk. This might be
important information. I wouldn't want
any of you to miss it.
KELLY
They're
late again?
CYRIL
I'm
so glad we're not at war.
KELLY
But
what if
CYRIL
Gad-zooks. I hadn't thought of that. I guess we'll have to give them
KELLY
No
great loss.
CYRIL
Aw. Come on.
What's wrong with
KELLY
It's
great if you like green chile.
CYRIL
Hamburgers
wouldn't be the same without them. Well,
enough about the wonders of
KELLY
I
wanted to thank you for the talent show last night. It was a big hit. People are already asking when we'll do it again.
CYRIL
I'm
ready.
KELLY
I
don't think we could find another great prize like that one.
CYRIL
Yeah,
you spared no expense with Jose’s, did you?
KELLY
He
donated that prize.
CYRIL
I
wonder if anyone actually pays to stay there?
KELLY
Oh,
it's not that bad.
CYRIL
Have
you stayed there? It gives new meaning
to roach motels.
KELLY
The
reason I came over here is Roxy.
CYRIL
(Turns away)
Who?
KELLY
(Seeing through him)
You
know. The one who
kissed you. The
one who carried on about you all night saying how talented you are.
CYRIL
She
said that?
KELLY
So
you do like her?
CYRIL
Who
said I liked her? I didn't.
KELLY
I'm
not sure if it was the drooling or the panting that tipped me off.
CYRIL
(Annoyed)
Very funny.
KELLY
Well,
anyway. I wanted to tell you that she
went to college with you.
CYRIL
She
did?
KELLY
She
was a freshman when you were a senior.
She remembered you very well.
CYRIL
(Frowning and pointing
to his nose)
Who
wouldn't?
(Scratches nose)
I
wonder if she remembered my witty personality or my dashing charm?
KELLY
Oh,
Cyril. She didn't say anything about
your nose.
CYRIL
Most
kind people don't. But they're always
thinking, "I'm seeing one a the natural wonders
of the world!"
KELLY
They
do not.
CYRIL
I
see it in their eyes.
KELLY
Don't
be so paranoid.
CYRIL
I'm
not paranoid. I'm realistic.
KELLY
I'm
not here to argue. I though you might
like to know that about Roxy.
CYRIL
Why?
KELLY
Because
it means you have something in common.
CYRIL
So
do cheese and mold. But we don't eat the
mold.
KELLY
With
an attitude like that, you'll never date anyone.
CYRIL
I've
give up trying, Kelly. A person can only
be rejected so many times.
KELLY
How
many times have you tried?
CYRIL
(Hesitates)
Oh,
I don't know. Lots of
times.
KELLY
Cindy
Thomas in the third grade doesn't count?
CYRIL
And why not?
KELLY
You
haven't even tried, have you?
CYRIL
Sure
I think about it. I think about it all
the time. But I don't even know how to
start. What do I say, "Hey, baby. How'd you like to date a man who can smell
the bread baking in
KELLY
You've
got to try, Cyril. You can't wait for it
to happen. You've got to make it happen.
CYRIL
So
she thinks I'm pretty talented, huh?
KELLY
That's
all she talked about.
(Silence. KELLY smiles and leaves.
CYRIL paces
again,
but much more slowly)
CYRIL
Oh,
Roxy. If only
I didn't have such a nose, then I could talk to you... romance you. If only you could see beyond it. If you could just see what's inside...
(Sniffs. Rubs nose)
Well,
then again.
(Knock
at door)
Enter!
CHRISTIAN
Permission to enter, sir.
CYRIL
What's
this? A well-mannered
soldier?
CHRISTIAN
Yes,
sir.
(Standing at attention)
CYRIL
You're
only here on loan right?
CHRISTIAN
No, sir.
CYRIL
You're
here to stay?
CHRISTIAN
Yes,
sir.
CYRIL
Finally a real soldier.
(Looks up)
Thank
you, God.
CHRISTIAN
My papers, sir.
CYRIL
(Teasing)
You
didn't ask for permission to speak.
CHRISTIAN
Oh,
shoot.
CYRIL
That's
okay. At ease. Sit down.
Let me look at these papers.
FRED
(Enters with SALLY, JOE,
JANE, and JACK)
We're
here.
CYRIL
You're
late.
JOE
Better late than never.
CYRIL
Late
for war and you're dead.
JACK
But
we're not at war.
CYRIL
And
I hope we never will be. We'd be in
trouble.
JANE
Can
we hurry this up? I've got a date
tonight.
FRED
Who
with? Bubba Joe?
JANE
Mind
your own business.
JACK
and FRED
Bubba
and Jane sittin' in a tree...
CYRIL
Why
do I even try?
(CHUCK enters unnoticed
with a large paper bag
clutched
to his chest. CYRIL turns to CHRIS)
Welcome
to "Our Gang Comedy Hour."
CHRIS
Are
they always like this?
CYRIL
They're
behaving pretty well today.
SALLY
(Goes up to CHRIS)
Who's
this?
CYRIL
Okay,
everybody. I want you to meet our new
soldier. This is Sgt. Christian
Patterson.
JANE
Sergeant?
CYRIL
Yes,
unlike most of you, Chris here has applied himself. He's here to show you what a real soldier is
like.
JACK
He's
too good looking to be a soldier.
SALLY
Why,
Jack? You interested?
JACK
Shut
up.
CYRIL
Since
you all want to play around, I have the perfect duty for you today. Bathroom detail.
JOE
Again?
CYRIL
Yes,
but this time you're in for a real treat.
(Pulls a tooth brush
from his pocket)
This
time you get to clean the bathroom with toothbrushes.
SALLY
Our
last commander let us go on a picnic.
CYRIL
I'm
not your last commander.
FRED
No
kidding.
CYRIL
Where's
Chuck?
JANE
Over there.
CYRIL
What
you got in the bag, Chuck?
CHUCK
It's
my special project for this week.
JACK
(Nervous)
Oh,
no. What is it?
CHUCK
Shh. Listen.
(They hush each other
up. They here tick, tick,
tick,
tick. They stare at each other wide
eyed)
JANE
Run!
(Everyone except CHUCK,
CYRIL, and CHRIS clear the
room)
CYRIL
Are
you crazy?
(CHUCK just laughs)
CHRIS
Okay,
Chuck. Put it down, please.
(CHUCK shakes his head)
I'm
asking you nicely.
(CHUCK looks at CHRIS
suspiciously)
Put
it down, nice and slow.
CHUCK
Okay.
(He drops it. CYRIL and CHRIS jump back. CHUCK
laughs
and runs from the room)
CHRIS
Maybe
it isn't a bomb?
CYRIL
We
have to make sure.
(They go to it
cautiously)
I'll
open the bag. You pull it out.
(CHRIS nods and
does. It looks like a bomb)
CHRIS
It
looks real. What do we do?
CYRIL
Disarm
it.
CHRIS
You
know how?
CYRIL
Not
really. Let's try cutting some wires.
CHRIS
I
don't know about this. Maybe we should
call a bomb expert.
CYRIL
The
closest one just ran out of the room laughing.
The next closest is a hundred miles away.
CHRIS
Here's
a knife.
CYRIL
Wish
me luck.
(Lights begin to fade)
CHRIS
No! Wait!
Not the red one!
(BLACKOUT)
ACT
II
Scene
2
(Lights come up on the
same National Guard HQ. It
is
the next day. CHRIS is alone. He looks like
he
hasn't had much sleep. CHUCK enters R
laughing)
CHRIS
(A little annoyed)
Yes,
Chuck. That was pretty funny. You did a good job dressing up that alarm
clock. You're very creative.
(CHUCK exits L still
chuckling)
JACK
(Entering R with JOE,
SALLY, JANE, and FRED)
Reporting
for duty...
(Doesn't see CYRIL)
Where's
the boss?
CHRIS
He
left me in charge. He said he had to go
see someone named Roxy or ROXY or something like
that.
JOE
(Winks)
Ah,
yes. ROXY.
FRED
Man
o' man is see something to see.
SALLY
You
make you sound like a carnival ride.
FRED
That about describes her, yes.
JANE
You
guys are so awful.
JACK
We're
just human.
CHRIS
ROXY. I
haven't see her yet.
JOE
You'd
remember her.
SALLY
CYRIL
doesn't have a chance.
CHRIS
Not
with a nose like that.
(Everyone freaks out,
hushing CHRIS and looking
around
to see if CYRIL is near)
JANE
Careful.
CHRIS
What
did I say?
JACK
You
said the "n" word.
CHRIS
You
mean nose.
(More freaking out and
hushing)
What?
JOE
Never. I mean
never mention his... uh...
CHRIS
Nose?
SALLY
He
did it again.
JANE
He's
dead meat.
CHRIS
What
are you talking about?
FRED
CYRIL
is a little sensitive about it.
JACK
Only
a dead man talks about his nose.
SALLY
Or a very stupid one.
CHRIS
Come
on. It can't be that bad.
JOE
Fine. Don't
believe us. But you're digging your own
grave.
(CHRIS laughs. CYRIL enters.
Others scatter and
go
about their business)
CYRIL
That's
what I like to see. Eager
beavers.
CHRIS
Have
a good visit?
CYRIL
I
did. ROXY and I have a lot in common.
CHRIS
I
hear she's quite a looker.
CYRIL
Uh,
well, yes. She very
intelligent too.
CHRIS
Yeah,
but we all know what makes a real woman.
CYRIL
(Annoyed)
And
what is that?
CHRIS
You
know. We like 'em
built. Well endowed. Nice legs.
Cute little nose.
(Small gasp from others)
CYRIL
Little
nose, huh?
CHRIS
Of course.
CYRIL
I
never get caught up in looks.
CHRIS
I
wouldn't think so.
(Reaction
from others. They start to clear
the
room. CYRIL goes up to CHRIS)
CYRIL
And
what is that supposed to mean?
CHRIS
(Not wanted to
offend. He wasn't thinking before
he
spoke)
I
meant we... uh... I'm sure you look for other things.
CYRIL
That's
not what you meant.
(Backing CHRIS into a
corner)
CHRIS
I
didn't mean anything by it. I didn't
want to say anything that would offend you.
I was just talking. Talking stupid. No
decent person would say anything about your nose.
CYRIL
(Long silence)
I
had a good morning. I was hoping for a
good day, but there still may be time to salvage that.
(Walks away from CHRIS)
Besides,
you're right really.
CHRIS
Huh?
CYRIL
(Sadly laughs)
Who'd
want me anyway? Who'd want to wake up
every morning and see a glorious nose.
CHRIS
I
wasn't saying...
CYRIL
No,
what you said was true. We all know
that. Yes my nose is huge, enormous, vast! Hey, here's an
accessory I should be proud to wear. I
have been told a large nose is the sign of a large heart. It is a symbol of courage and courtesy. It makes me twice a man! It should.
I have twice the nose. But what
makes me great, unique, wonderful... makes me most undesirable.
(Looks off sadly)
CHRIS
You
are a great person. I can see that.
CYRIL
All
you see is my nose. That's all anyone
sees. ROXY could never love me. You've helped me to see that now. I was a dreamer. Living in my mind. Flying to the moon and
back. Riding on
a moon beam. Skipping
on clouds. I am a poet. A romantic. I shall always see the rose but never touch
it.
(CHRIS is
speechless. ROXY comes in)
ROXY
CYRIL. I...
(Feels that something is
wrong)
Did
something happen?
(CHRIS stares at
ROXY. He sees how beautiful
she
is. He knows CYRIL doesn't have a
chance)
CYRIL?
CYRIL
(Trying to joke)
I...
uh... had a bloody nose. It was a
regular flood. I must tend to it now.
(Exits L without looking
at her)
ROXY
He
looks really upset.
CHRIS
(Pause)
Can
I help you? I'm... Christian. CYRIL'S new man... recruit... you know.
ROXY
Nice to meet you.
(They stare a
moment. Then she holds up a book)
I
brought this for CYRIL.
(Hands it to CHRIS)
CHRIS
(Tries to read name of
author)
See...
Sirvan...
ROXY
Cervantes.
It's Don Quixote in Spanish.
CYRIL said he loved the story but had never read it in Spanish. I found my copy from college.
CHRIS
I'll...
say hi.
ROXY
Make
sure he gets it. Tell him I enjoyed
having coffee this morning. Ask him to
call me.
(Gives CHRIS paper with
phone number)
And my address when he wants to return the book.
CHRIS
Nice to meet you.
ROXY
Good
luck with CYRIL. I hear he's tough.
CHRIS
Okay.
(JACK enters. ROXY exits)
You
were right. She is gorgeous.
JACK
What
was she doing here?
CHRIS
She
just dropped by.
(Holds up paper)
I
got her phone number and address.
JACK
You did?
(CHRIS nods)
What's
the book for?
CHRIS
It's
garbage.
(Throws
it in garbage can. JANE, SALLY
return)
JACK
You
are a lucky ducky, man.
JANE
Why
is he so lucky?
JACK
He
got Roxy's number.
SALLY
Don't
tell CYRIL.
CHRIS
Why
not?
JANE
He'll
be out for blood.
JACK
Speaking of blood. How come you're not bleeding? The way you were talking...
CHRIS
People
don't push me around.
SALLY
I
guess not.
JANE
It's
almost lunch time. Let's go get
something.
CHRIS
You
barely got here.
JACK
CYRIL
doesn't know that.
JANE
And
if he gets mad, we'll say you said we could go.
You seem to know how to handle him.
(JOE and FRED enter)
JOE
You
guys leaving?
SALLY
Chris
is giving us a lunch break.
FRED
Cool.
JACK
See
ya'.
(They exit R)
CYRIL
(Enters)
Is
she gone?
CHRIS
Yeah.
(Looks at garbage can)
CYRIL
Did
she say why she came by?
CHRIS
Uh,
I think she wanted to meet me, that's all.
CYRIL
Oh. I suppose you two hit it off. Same body types and all. No unusual features.
CHRIS
Don't
be so hard on yourself.
CYRIL
No,
I guess nature has been cruel enough.
CHRIS
See,
that was funny. You know how to joke.
CYRIL
I
didn't know I was joking.
CHRIS
He
have a great way with words. I always sound so stupid around women.
CYRIL
You're
not... uh...
CHRIS
No,
I'm straight. I do fine with dumb
chicks, but ROXY. She's something.
CYRIL
Oh,
if only I had your looks and you had my brains.
We'd be irresistible.
CHRIS
(Takes out paper)
Maybe...
CYRIL
What's
that?
CHRIS
I
got her address and phone.
CYRIL
(Sarcastic)
Oh,
good. Now you can write her a letter.
CHRIS
That's
a great idea.
CYRIL
I
was joking that time.
CHRIS
No,
really. You could write her a letter and
I'll sign it.
CYRIL
Now
wait a minute. That isn't right.
CHRIS
But
it's the only way. You do all the
talking...
CYRIL
Yeah,
and you get to do all kissing...
CHRIS
But
you could swoon her...
CYRIL
And
we could get in a lot of trouble.
CHRIS
Fine. Don't do
it. But it's the only way you'll ever
have anything to do with her.
(CYRIL takes paper. Sighs)
CYRIL
I
guess you're right.
CHRIS
Great. You
write it. I'll get it after lunch.
CYRIL
Only an hour? I can't do something that fast. I have to be inspired.
CHRIS
It
can't be that hard.
CYRIL
You'd
be surprised.
CHRIS
Fine. Take all
the time you need. I'll keep an eye on
the troops and you write the letter. Is
it a deal?
CYRIL
(Sits at desk)
Anything to get away from the Kamikaze Club.
CHRIS
I'll
get it tonight then. Where will you be?
CYRIL
It's
Saturday, so I'll be at the theatre.
CHRIS
See
you then. Bye.
(Exits R excited)
KELLY
(Enters R as CHRIS
exits)
Who
was that gorgeous hunk of man?
CYRIL
(Already into letter)
Huh? Oh, that's Christian.
KELLY
What
a time not to be single.
CYRIL
I'm
gonna tell my brother on you.
KELLY
He
won't care. What are you doing?
CYRIL
(Turns letter over)
Nothing.
KELLY
(Aggressive. Goes after letter)
Let
me see.
CYRIL
No!
(They struggle and she
finally snatches letter)
KELLY
"Dearest
ROXY!"
(He fights for it back)
"No
poet can capture you in words."
CYRIL
(Gets it back)
Mind
your own business.
KELLY
I
thought maybe you'd fallen for her.
CYRIL
I
haven't. I mean... she doesn't care for
me.
KELLY
Oh,
CYRIL. Don't be upset.
CYRIL
I
am upset. I try to be nice. I try to be charming. But the minute she see a "gorgeous hunk
o' man" she's done with old banana nose.
KELLY
You
mean Christian?
CYRIL
Yes. You know, the one you drooled all over as you
came in.
KELLY
I
was only kidding, CYRIL.
CYRIL
Well,
ROXY wasn't. She gave him her number.
(Holds paper up. KELLY takes it)
KELLY
Why
do you have it?
CYRIL
I
was jealous. I stole it from him. I told him I'd destroy all his military
records if he didn't. I get him in so much
trouble with the government he would... he'd sure be sorry.
KELLY
(Knowing CYRIL too well)
You
didn't do that.
CYRIL
Well,
I could have.
(Long pause. He takes address back)
KELLY
I'm
waiting for the truth.
CYRIL
Would
you believe he dropped it and I picked it up?
KELLY
That make more sense.
CYRIL
Good. Then I don't have to make up anything else.
KELLY
CYRIL. You are a sweet man, but you have to realize
you will have trouble with women.
CYRIL
Don't
you think I know that.
KELLY
I'll
talk to you when you're in a better mood.
CYRIL
I'll
be in a better mood when they invent pencil sharpeners big enough for noses.
KELLY
Good-bye,
CYRIL. I'll see you tonight.
(On her way out R)
CYRIL
Don't
count on it.
(KELLY exits. CYRIL looks at letter and throws it
away. Then he see
something. He pulls out the
book
ROXY brought)
What
is the world?
(CHUCK wanders in from
L)
Chuck,
do you know what this is?
CHUCK
(Stops. Looks around. Thinks)
A book?
CYRIL
Thanks,
Chuck. You're a big help.
(CHUCK smiles and exits
R)
I
wonder...
(Lights fade to black)
ACT
III
Scene
1
(Lights come up on the
theatre. The balcony from ACT I is
out. The stage is empty because it is
Sunday. KELLY and ROXY are talking)
ROXY
Another good show last night.
KELLY
It
was interesting.
ROXY
Everyone really like them.
KELLY
Who'd
think "Diego and His Dancing Doggies" would be a hit.
ROXY
I
loved the routine they did to "Achy Breaky
Bark."
KELLY
As long as it brings in the money.
ROXY
We'll
go for quality later.
(Looks at a letter)
KELLY
You
have been reading that since we got here today.
It can't be that long.
ROXY
It
isn't. But it's so wonderful. I haven't had a love letter since Jr. High.
KELLY
(Trying to act
surprised)
A love letter?
ROXY
"Dearest
ROXY, No poet can capture you in words.
No artist could touch your beauty..."
(Sighs)
It's
too perfect. Except it
isn't signed.
KELLY
It
isn't?
ROXY
No. I wonder who it's from?
KELLY
I
have an idea, but I probably shouldn't say.
ROXY
(Not listening to KELLY)
I
wonder if it's Christian. I only met him
yesterday, but it's possible.
KELLY
I
wouldn't narrow it don't that quickly.
There are a lot a guys around.
(Hinting)
Right under your nose, in fact.
ROXY
(Laughs)
Christian
did seem pretty muddled when I met him.
KELLY
You
probably do that to a lot of men.
ROXY
I
wish I could finally meet a guy that could a conversation. But I could settle for letters.
KELLY
There's
a guy or two around that hold their own around you.
ROXY
And
whoever wrote this seems to know a lot about me. He doesn't outright say anything specific,
but he seems to know me.
KELLY
That
rules out Chris.
ROXY
Who
knows? Maybe, maybe
not.
KELLY
(Looks at watch)
I
have to go. I say you think about it
some more. I think you might be
surprised at who it is.
(Exits R)
ROXY
(Absorbed. Wanders off L)
"The
perfect lines of your form denote a magical geometry."
(Off)
CYRIL
(Leads CHRIS in)
We
can talk here. It's Sunday. No one should be here. Kelly always gives her people at least one
day off.
CHRIS
So
why did you want to see me? Did you
write the letter?
CYRIL
Yes.
CHRIS
(Excited)
Good. Show it to me.
CYRIL
We
have some business first.
CHRIS
What?
(CYRIL pulls the
Cervantes book from his bag)
Oh.
CYRIL
So
you know about it.
CHRIS
Huh,
no. Well, I've seen it in the stores of
course.
CYRIL
I
doubt it. It's pretty rare.
(CHRIS is silent)
And
the funny thing is: I was talking to ROXY about this very book yesterday
morning. Then after she dropped by at HQ
I found this very book in the garbage.
Pretty weird, huh?
CHRIS
Yeah, a regular mystery. Too bad Sherlock Holmes is in
CYRIL
So. Did you
have anything to do with this book ending up in the garbage? Did ROXY come over just to meet you? Do you wish to live long enough to see the
New Year?
CHRIS
Hey,
wait a second here. I... I didn't know
about any of this. Uh, Chuck was the one
who said ROXY was there to see me. Chuck
had a book like that. I remember
now. Chuck told ROXY he'd deliver it. He must have thrown it away.
CYRIL
Chuck?
CHRIS
You
know how Chuck is.
CYRIL
No,
I don't. How is he?
CHRIS
(Pause)
Well,
you know. Uh...
CYRIL
Either
you're a better liar than I thought you were or you're being honest.
(CHRIS smiles)
Honesty
doesn't seem to become you.
(CHRIS is nervous. CYRIL circles)
You
look kind of like a dog who's piddled on the floor and
doesn't want his master to beat him.
(CHRIS smiles
again. CYRIL walks away)
I
can't be cruel to lower life forms. It's
against my better nature.
CHRIS
(One track mind)
What
about the letter?
CYRIL
I
sent it.
CHRIS
You
did?
CYRIL
Yes.
CHRIS
Who's name did you put on it?
CYRIL
Why
don't you ask ROXY?
CHRIS
I
couldn't do that.
CYRIL
Then
you'll never know.
CHRIS
(Upset. Whines)
Cy-ril.
CYRIL
(Mokes)
Chr-is.
CHRIS
This
isn't fair.
CYRIL
All's
fair in love and war, my friend.
CHRIS
I
didn't know this was a war.
CYRIL
And
I didn't know you were in love.
(Hears something)
Who's
that?
CHRIS
Someone's
here.
CYRIL
Hide.
(They run around the
side of the balcony, peeking
out. ROXY comes out on balcony)
ROXY
Oh,
Romeo, Romeo. Where for art though,
Romeo?
(Silence)
CHRIS
I'm
here ROXY.
CYRIL
(Whisper)
What
are you doing?
(Holding CHRIS back)
ROXY
Who's
there?
(CYRIL struggles with
CHRIS. Has his hand over
CHRIS's
mouth for a second)
Is
it the one who wrote me the letter?
CHRIS
Yes.
(They still struggle)
ROXY
Who
are you then? Do I know you?
CHRIS
Yes. We met...
ROXY
Yes,
when?
CHRIS
Not
long ago.
(Struggle, struggle)
ROXY
Chris? Chris, is that you?
(CYRIL tries with all
his might to stop CHRIS)
CHRIS
(Finally)
Yes!
ROXY
Come
out then.
CYRIL
(Gets hold of CHRIS)
No.
ROXY
Then
I'll come down.
CYRIL
No,
please no.
ROXY
You
sound strange.
CYRIL
Because this is so difficult. Ow!
(CHRIS breaks free)
ROXY
Are
you hurt?
CHRIS
I'm
only hurting for your love.
ROXY
Your
voice changes again. What's going on?
(CHRIS is frozen. Looks at CYRIL who crosses his
arms)
CYRIL
(Whisper)
Go
on. Dazzle her.
(CHRIS mouth opens but
nothing comes out)
ROXY
Chris. What's wrong?
CHRIS
I...
I don't know.
ROXY
I
loved your letter.
CHRIS
Thanks.
ROXY
Speak
to me Chris. Say something romantic.
CHRIS
(Confused, then:)
I
love you.
ROXY
Yes,
talk of love.
CHRIS
I
love...
ROXY
Tell
me some of your love poetry. You must be
a poet with the way you write.
CHRIS
Love
is love.
(CYRIL rolls his eyes)
ROXY
More,
Chris.
CHRIS
Love
is love is love.
ROXY
Yes?
CHRIS
I
love...
(She waits)
You
love...
(Looks to CYRIL who
sticks out his tongue)
Wouldn't
you like to love too?
ROXY
Come
on, Chris. This isn't like the
letter. You write me candy and you speak
liver. Tell me how much you love me.
CHRIS
A whole bunch.
ROXY
You've
been stuck stupid. You might as well be
ugly for the dumb words you speak.
CHRIS
But, ROXY... I...
ROXY
(Annoyed)
I
know. You love. You already told me that. Good-bye, Chris.
CHRIS
No,
ROXY. Wait.
ROXY
I'll
lock myself in my tower until you find you words.
(Exits)
CHRIS
(To CYRIL)
You've
got to help me.
CYRIL
Me? Ha, that's a laugh. Why should I help you?
CHRIS
You've
got to.
CYRIL
No,
I don't. Good-bye.
CHRIS
(Grabs him)
No,
wait! Don't go!
ROXY
(Comes out)
Have
you found your words?
(CYRIL and CHRIS hide)
CHRIS
(To CYRIL)
Please?
ROXY
Is this going to be another poor attempt...
CHRIS
Please,
wait, ROXY. Give me a chance.
CYRIL
I'll
feed you the words.
ROXY
Is
someone with you, Chris?
CHRIS
Oh,
no. I'm quite alone.
CYRIL
I
don't know why. But I will. You owe me for this.
(CHRIS nods frantically)
ROXY
I'm
going home this time.
CYRIL
(Whisper)
If you leave...
CHRIS
If you leave...
CYRIL
My
heart turns to stone.
CHRIS
My
heart turns to stone.
ROXY
(Stops)
And
why is that?
CYRIL
You
are...
CHRIS
You
are...
CYRIL
The
only thing...
CHRIS
The
only thing...
CYRIL
That
gives it life.
CHRIS
That
gives it life.
ROXY
Now,
I like what you say, but your delivery is strange. Why is your speech so broken.
CHRIS
I feeling a little sick.
CYRIL
and ROXY
What?
CHRIS
I
mean...
CYRIL
(Speaking to ROXY)
Every
step you take away from me takes me closer to my death.
ROXY
Your voice?
Is it still you?
CYRIL
I
have finally broken free. This is my
true voice. The voice
in the letter. The voice you give
to me.
ROXY
Oh,
Chris...
CYRIL
I long to touch you. Your hair. It must be so soft, like a
kittens.
ROXY
Come
out where I can see you.
(CHRIS starts to
go. CYRIL grabs him)
CYRIL
No!
ROXY
(Surprised)
Why
not?
CYRIL
The mystery. Let us love the mystery. Only our words. Let them touch the night, let them caress our
souls. Feel the kiss of tenderness, the
touch of compassion, the embrace of passion.
ROXY
I
can feel it, Chris.
CYRIL
And
I feel you. Your
touch. I have often dreamed of
you. What it would be like to be with
you. To look upon you is like staring
into the sun. Your form is etched
forever in my memory. Even now, as I
close my eyes, I see you. I feel
you. And you are trembling. A trembling leaf among
shaken leaves. I feel the tender
quivering of your hand upon me.
ROXY
Yes,
I am trembling. I can feel your touch
from so far away. I am yours.
CYRIL
Then
let death come, for this is all I desire.
I ask for nothing but this...
CHRIS
(Trying to sound like
CYRIL)
Nothing
but a kiss!
ROXY
(Spell is broken)
What?
CYRIL
No!
ROXY
Chris?
CYRIL
I
go too fast.
(Punches CHRIS)
ROXY
You
don't want a kiss?
CHRIS
I
do!
CYRIL
Shut
up, Chris!
ROXY
What
did you say?
CYRIL
I
told myself to shut up because I've gone too far.
ROXY
Have
you?
CHRIS
(Whisper)
Don't
stop now. Let's take advantage of
this. We've got her in the mood.
CYRIL
(To both ROXY and CHRIS)
I
have cast a spell on you ROXY. It would
not be fair for me to ask for something even as simple as a kiss.
ROXY
Your
magic is strong. I don't think I can
resist.
CHRIS
Then
don't say another word. I'm coming.
(Before CYRIL knows what
is happening, CHRIS
climbs
up to ROXY, kisses her and they disappear
off
stage)
CYRIL
(Stares dumbly after
them)
What
have I done?
(Wanders off R)
CHUCK
(Enters
L. He is sweeping)
It's
a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
It's a beautiful day for a neighbor...
CYRIL
(Falls from a somewhat
high point off R)
Aaaah!
CHUCK
Oh,
my.
(Runs to him)
What
happened?
CYRIL
I
have fallen.
CHUCK
From where?
CYRIL
The moon.
CHUCK
The moon?
CYRIL
Where
am I? What time is it?
CHUCK
Did
you hit your head?
CYRIL
(Grabs CHUCK)
What's
going on?
CHUCK
Uh...
CYRIL
I
don't know what happened. One minute I
was on the moon, then pow! I was flying through space, like a shooting
star.
CHUCK
You're
pulling my leg.
CYRIL
I
tell you it's true. I fell from the
moon!
CHUCK
Okay. Whatever you say.
(To self)
I
know he hit his head.
CYRIL
I
have to know where I am! Tell me.
CHUCK
You're
in the theatre. It's Sunday.
CYRIL
I
was not gone long then.
CHUCK
Since yesterday.
CYRIL
So right.
And I am a mess. Look at me. All this moon dust. What they need is a good janitor on the
moon. Dust everywhere.
CHUCK
Really?
CYRIL
And
here's a comet hair on my shirt.
CHUCK
Comets
don't have hair.
CYRIL
How
do you know? Have you ever met a comet?
CHUCK
Well...
CYRIL
And
I you mess my nose milk will come out!
CHUCK
Milk?!
CYRIL
From
the Milky Way!
CHUCK
Good-bye,
CYRIL.
(Exits L)
CYRIL
Alone again.
(ROXY and CHRIS appear
hand in hand)
ROXY
Oh,
I didn't know anyone was here.
CYRIL
Nor
did I. Excuse
me.
(Turns to go)
ROXY
(Goes to him)
CYRIL? What's wrong?
You seem sad.
CYRIL
It's
the news. I shouldn't watch it.
ROXY
What
did you hear?
CYRIL
About
the civil war going on that Pacific island.
ROXY
Giardia?
CYRIL
Yes. I'm worried they'll ask us to go as a peace
keeping force.
CHRIS
You
think they might.
CYRIL
We're
on the list. I'm waiting for the call.
ROXY
How
soon might it be?
CYRIL
A day. A month. Who
knows? Politics muddle everything. Words can sometimes be as dangerous as
anything physical.
ROXY
I
see.
CHRIS
I'm
sure they won't need us.
ROXY
Really?
CHRIS
Positive.
I've been involved in these things before. Never ever becomes of them. I can promise you that.
(BLACKOUT)
ACT
III
Scene
2
(Lights come up on FRED,
JANE, SALLY, and JACK in
National Guard uniforms
hiding behind sand bags.
The lights are low so
nothing is seen but the
soldiers
C [this provides an easy change back and
forth
to the theatre. CHUCK runs on. Gun fire.
JANE shoots back. JACK screams)
SALLY
Where
are they?
JANE
Did
I get one?
FRED
No,
but I think you killed a tree.
JACK
Is
it over?
SALLY
Yes, Patton. They're done shooting.
JACK
Don't
make fun of me. I never thought we'd be
doing something like this.
JANE
What did you think we were doing all this time,
preparing for the county fair?
JACK
I
never thought we'd actually fight any body.
SALLY
Where's CYRIL and Chris?
CHUCK
They're
okay.
FRED
What
are they doing?
CHUCK
I
don't know.
(They hear huge BOOM)
JACK
What
was that?
SALLY
Something
blew up over by the enemy's dugout.
CYRIL
(Off stage)
All clear.
JANE
(Stands)
It's
CYRIL.
SALLY
Where's
Chris?
FRED
What'd
you do?
CYRIL
(Enters)
I
threw a grenade and scared them off.
JACK
Did
you get any body?
CYRIL
We're
not here to kill any body, Jack. We're
to keep peace and get food to people.
CHUCK
Where's
Chris?
CYRIL
He
was right behind me.
JANE
Look!
SALLY
What's
he doing?
JACK
Looks like he's scored to me.
CYRIL
Chris! Get over here!
(CHRIS enters with
beautiful NATIVE GIRL)
What
were you doing over there?
JANE
Looked like mouth to mouth to me.
CHRIS
I
found her hiding in the bushes. I was...
uh... protecting her. I was afraid she'd
get hurt.
NATIVE
GIRL
Gon-wanna go?
SALLY
I
think she wants some more protecting.
CHRIS
She
wants me to walk her back to her village.
I'd better. I wouldn't want a sniper
to get her.
CYRIL
You
go ahead and do that, Chris. We'll hold
down the fort.
CHRIS
Thanks,
boss.
(NATIVE GIRL and CHRIS
exit)
JACK
Some
guys have all the luck.
CYRIL
Replacement
troops are coming from
JANE
Thank goodness.
SALLY
I
can finally take a bath.
JACK
You
need it.
(SALLY slugs him)
CYRIL
Let's
pack it up. We'll report in and be on a
plane within a week.
FRED
I'm ready.
(They exit singing
"Hi Ho, Hi Ho" or something
like
that. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)
ACT
III
Scene
3
(Lights come up on ROXY
and KELLY in theatre
[sandbags
are cleared]. They look like they have
been
talking a while)
ROXY
He's
sent so many letters. Each one is more
touching than the last.
KELLY
I
didn't know Chris had it in him.
ROXY
It's
strange. He seems so simple when we're
together. Other than that one night, he
never says much.
KELLY
That's
okay. He's fun to look at.
ROXY
Yes,
I know, but I want to see more of what I read in the letters.
KELLY
Gee. It's almost like someone else has been
writing them.
ROXY
You
don't think. No, that's crazy.
KELLY
I
hear they'll be back soon.
ROXY
Yeah,
the
KELLY
I
wish we'd make up our minds.
ROXY
Well,
we fed the people. We weren't there to
fight a war.
KELLY
I
hope they all made it out okay.
(CYRIL enters)
ROXY
CYRIL!
(KELLY runs and hugs
CYRIL)
KELLY
How
are you?
CYRIL
Fine.
KELLY
You
look good as ever.
CYRIL
Thanks.
ROXY
Where's Chris?
(CYRIL is silent)
Did
something happen to him?
CYRIL
Well...
ROXY
Oh,
my word. I didn't think...
(Starts to cry)
I
have to be alone.
CYRIL
No, wait, ROXY.
(She's gone)
KELLY
Did
he...
CYRIL
He's
fine. It's just that...
KELLY
What?
CYRIL
I
don't know how to say this but...
KELLY
I'm
dying here, CYRIL.
CYRIL
He
found this native girl.
KELLY
Oh,
no. I don't want to hear it.
CYRIL
I
didn't think so.
KELLY
Poor ROXY.
CYRIL
I
don't know what to tell her.
(Sighs)
It
might be better to let her think he's dead.
KELLY
You
can't do that. That isn't fair.
CYRIL
I
guess not.
KELLY
Then
she'll never get over him.
CYRIL
Why
does that matter?
KELLY
CYRIL,
I know all about the letters.
CYRIL
What
do you mean?
KELLY
I
know you wrote those letters to her.
CYRIL
Don't
be silly.
KELLY
Chris
doesn't have it in him. You have to tell
her.
(ROXY enters)
ROXY
Tell
me what?
CYRIL
(After a long pause)
Chris
isn't dead, ROXY.
ROXY
He
isn't? Was he hurt badly though?
CYRIL
No,
he's fine.
KELLY
But
he might wish he weren't.
ROXY
Huh?
CYRIL
Chris
met this native girl. And well they
really hit it off. They don't understand
a word the other one is saying but...
ROXY
I
get the picture.
CYRIL
I'm
sorry, ROXY.
ROXY
But
he wrote all those letters.
KELLY
No,
he didn't.
CYRIL
Kelly!
ROXY
What?
KELLY
CYRIL
has something to tell you.
CYRIL
Thanks
a lot.
KELLY
It's
the least I could do.
(She exits)
ROXY
CYRIL? Are you the one who...
CYRIL
(Reciting from one of
his letters)
I
have touched a star and will never let her go.
ROXY
It
was as plain as the nose on my face. I
can't believe I didn't see it before.
CYRIL
And
my nose is hard to miss.
ROXY
But that night. The balcony. Was that you who spoke?
CYRIL
(Pause)
It
was.
ROXY
Why?
CYRIL
I
knew my words would move you, but I needed Chris's face for you to love me.
ROXY
Poor CYRIL.
CYRIL
Yes,
that's me. Poor CYRIL. Full of sound and fury! But I will never be the one who will have the
kiss.
(Silence. ROXY goes to him. Kisses him. After
a
moment they break apart. CYRIL touches
his nose
and
turns away)
See
I am still a toad. No,
beautiful prince for you.
ROXY
You
are more beautiful than you know.
CYRIL
Now
you speak kind words and I... I am at a loss.
ROXY
Then
there is only one thing to do.
CYRIL
Which
is?
(They kiss. Lights fade to black)
END
OF PLAY