Big Nose (A Modern Day Cyrano)
Rough Draft
by D. M. Bocaz-Larson
422 Deanna Lee St.
Grants, NM 87020
pocolocoplayers@yahoo.com
Copyright  1994
All Rights Reserved

		(Lights come up on a poorly constructed set.  
		There is a balcony with odd colored cloth hanging 
		down and a backdrop that is supposed to be a 
		castle.  Two men enter in Shakespearean type 
		dress.  They are very bad actors who think they 
		are very good)

					CAPTAIN
Look at yonder window, friend.  She awaits me, she does.

					FRIEND
Doth she?

					CAPTAIN
She does.

					FRIEND
But doth she love thee?

					CAPTAIN
She does.

					FRIEND
Did she telleth thou so?

					CAPTAIN
She did.

					FRIEND
So good for you.

					MAN
		(From audience)
So bad for us!
		(He and friends laugh.  The two actors take a 
		quick glance out in surprize then quickly get back 
		in character)

					CAPTAIN
Uh... yes.  She loveth me.  She wroteth a letter.
		(Takes it out.  Sniffs lovingly)
Ah, doth though smelleth her fragrance?  Doth though find it heavenly?

					FRIEND
		(Excited)
I smell.  I smell.

					MAN
You can say that again.
		(He and friends laugh.  The two actors try to hide 
		their anger, but they don't do it well)

					CAPTAIN
Tonight, I shall go to her.  Tonight.  Tonight!

					MAN
When?!

					CAPTAIN
		(Angry.  Trying to be more dramatic)
Tonight!

					MAN
		(Mocking)
I can't hear you.

					CAPTAIN
		(Turns to run off the stage)
Now look here!
		(FRIEND grabs him)

					FRIEND
I can not let you go to her.

					CAPTAIN
		(One more look than back to play)
I must.  Or my heart...

					MAN
Will bust!

					FRIEND
Stop!  I can't let you.

					CAPTAIN
Why doth thou stopeth me?

					FRIEND
Because she is to be mine.

					CAPTAIN
Thou must jest.

					FRIEND
I jest not.

					CAPTAIN
Then we must fight to our deaths.

					MAN
We can only hope.

					FRIEND
		(They pull swords)
We fight for love!
		(They dual.  MAN sings "Love Boat Theme."  He gets 
		others to join in.  CAPTAIN is stabbed)

					CAPTAIN
Oh, my heart.  My loving heart.  My heart is stabbed.  I can love no more.

					FRIEND
Oh, my captain.  I have slain thee.  But how?

					MAN
What do you mean "how"?   What's that in your hand, a butter knife?

					CAPTAIN
I die now.  I die.  I leave thee to love for I can love no more.  My heart is worn.  My blood will pour this night no more.  I leave my sword, my rank, my love.  You have it all now.  You have everything I desire.  
		(Cough)
I die and leave thee.  I die and leave thee these words.

					MAN
Will you just die already?!  

					CAPTAIN
		(Jumps up)
I've had it with you!

					MAN
It's a miracle.  He's alive.

					CAPTAIN
		(Picks up his sword)
Come on, whoever you are.  I've had it with you.  One night is bad enough but three in a row!

					MAN
		(Runs up onto the stage)
Do you not know me?
		(The man is CYRIL DE BURG, local jokester.  He is 
		well known for his big nose)

					CAPTAIN
Oh, yeah.  I know you now.  I've heard about you.  You're the one with the big nose.
		(Gasp from CYRIL'S friends)

					JACK
		(From audience)
You shouldn't have said that.

					CYRIL
You're offended by my nose?

					CAPTAIN
It is no stranger than a dog with two tails.
		(He laughs but no one laughs with him)

					CYRIL
There was a poem a read once.  It goes something like this:
		(Picking up a sword)
"Roses are red.  Violets are fuchsia.  What you dish out, comes right back to ya'.
		(And CYRIL quickly unarms the CAPTAIN with a twist 
		of his sword)

					CAPTAIN
		(Looks at empty hand)
How did you do that?

					CYRIL
New Mexico fencing champion five years running

					CAPTAIN
		(Backs away)
No hard feeling, huh?

					CYRIL
None at all.
		(CAPTAIN starts to go)
Oh, by the way.

					CAPTAIN
		(Stops almost off stage)
Yes?

					CYRIL
I look forward to seeing your performance tomorrow night.

					CAPTAIN
Oh, no.

					CYRIL
Oh, yes.

					CAPTAIN
Oh, golly.
		(Exits)

					LADY
		(Comes out on balcony)
What's going on out here?

					CYRIL
		(To audience)
Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for.  The farewell kiss.  When we last left our hero, he was flat on the floor, bleeding and giving some terribly boring speech.  But his fair lady comes out and sees him dying.  She calls out to him:
		(He points to her)

					LADY
		(She gives him a dirty look)
What is this?

					CYRIL
And she says...

					LADY
		(Sighs.  Speaks flatly)
Oh, but I must have one good-bye kiss.

					CYRIL
And so our hero, though he is bleeding to death, uses his last bit of strength to climb up to her.
		(He does these actions.  The LADY looks very 
		annoyed.  He is almost to her)
He wants that one last kiss.  The kiss he has been dreaming of.  But before he can reach her he tosses the mortal coil.  UHHH!
		(He dies and falls.  Looks out at audience)
And dies.  
		(Sits up)
Finally.

					LADY
That isn't how it ends.

					CYRIL
It isn't?

					LADY
No.
		(She looks at him)
It ends with a kiss.

					CYRIL
It does?

					LADY
Yes.

					CYRIL
Really?
		(He climbs up again)
Could you perhaps... show me?

					LADY
		(She looks at him critically and then smiles.  She 
		leans to almost kiss him)
In your dreams.
		(She pushes him off.  BLACKOUT)

					Scene 2

		(Lights come up on same theatre.  Workers are 
		taking down the set as CYRIL and KELLY talk)

					KELLY
It wasn't that bad of a play.

					CYRIL
It wasn't?

					KELLY
Those guys are professionals.  I was lucky to even get them to come to my theatre.  You know how hard it is to get anything to come to this town.

					CYRIL
I think we're better off without them.

					KELLY
That's easy for you to say.  You don't have 6 hours to find something to take their place.

					CYRIL
Well...  Let's see.  There must be something we put together in six hours.  I know.  We could bring in the National Guard troops and we could blow something up.  That ought to get someone's attention.

					KELLY
Yeah, my insurance company for one.  

					CYRIL
It was just an idea.  The troops need something to do.  The National Guard doesn't see too much action around here.  The last time we did something was when some sheep were blocking I-40 and this semi…

					KELLY
		(Interrupts him)
If it would work I would do it.  I'm getting pretty desperate.

					CYRIL
You can't say I didn't try.

					KELLY
I can't say you helped either.
		(She paces angrily)

					CYRIL
Okay.  I'm sorry.  I'm really, really sorry.  But that show was awful.  And please don't tell me you thought otherwise.

					KELLY
Fine.  I won't.  Yes, they were bad.  I took a gamble when I booked them.  Now I know that professional doesn't mean good.  But Cyril, what am I going to do?  I have two more days without anything booked.  The payments on this place are killers.  I can't leave the place idle.

					CYRIL
I have an idea.

					KELLY
What?

					CYRIL
We'll have a community talent show.

					KELLY
I don't think anyone has any talent around here.

					CYRIL
Sure they do.

					KELLY
Like what?

					CYRIL
Well... uh... like you.  You can sing... and act.

					KELLY
There's one.

					CYRIL
And I can recite poetry.

					KELLY
I heard your latest last night.  I'm not sure it was much better than the play.

					CYRIL
I bet if you advertised right you'd get all kinds of acts.  

					KELLY
In six hours?

					CYRIL
If you gave a prize, they'd come.

					KELLY
I don't know about this, Cyril.

					CYRIL
I'll help.

					KELLY
You'd better.

					CYRIL
Then we'll do it?

					KELLY
		(Sighs)
I guess.  What else can I do?

					CYRIL
You won't be sorry.

					KELLY
I bet you I will.

					CYRIL
Have I ever let you down?

					KELLY
There was that time your National Guard guys blew up my garage.

					CYRIL
You said there wasn't anything important in there.

					KELLY
I didn't think you'd blow it up.

					CYRIL
Try not to be so vague next time.

					KELLY
Sometime you drive me nuts.

					CYRIL
		(Smiles and hugs her)
But you're still crazy about me.

					KELLY
I think crazy is the right word.
		(Then ROXY enters.  She looks around curiously.  
		CYRIL becomes a frozen statue, staring at ROXY)
Cyril.  What's wrong?

					CYRIL
		(Looking at ROXY)
Who is that?

					KELLY
Huh?
		(Sees ROXY)
I don't know.  Maybe it's someone checking into the technical assistant job.

					CYRIL
Hire her.

					KELLY
What?

					CYRIL
Please.

					KELLY
Cyril.  What's gotten into you?

					CYRIL
Go talk to her.  

					KELLY
Why don't you?

					CYRIL
I've gotta go.  
		(ROXY comes their way)
Bye.
		(CYRIL exits quickly)

					ROXY
		(Goes to a confused KELLY)
Hi, my name is Roxy Carlton.  Are you Kelly Hope?

					KELLY
Yes, I am.
		(She is still trying to figure out CYRIL)

					ROXY
I'm here to apply for the technical assistant job.

					KELLY
Huh?  Oh, yes.  Very good.  You have any experience?

					ROXY
Quite a bit actually.  I graduated with a degree in technical theater from New Mexico State…

					KELLY
New Mexico State?  That's where Cyril graduated from.

					ROXY
Was that the guy you were talking to?  I thought he looked familiar.  He was in theatre, wasn't he?

					KELLY
I think so.  At least he was when he didn't have his nose in some great work of literature.  Cyril is determined to be a Wordsworth or a Keats.

					ROXY
I was a freshman when he was a senior.  He never knew me.  I remember him though.

					KELLY
He is hard to forget.

					ROXY
You two close?

					KELLY
Sort of.  Closer than I like to be sometimes.  I married his brother.

					ROXY
He seems very nice.

					KELLY
If you say so.  
		(CHUCK walks by)
Hey, Chuck.  Get out that old talent show banner and hang it over the stage.

					CHUCK
Okay.
		(He exits)

					KELLY
What other experience do you have?

					ROXY
		(Hands over resume)
I spent two years with theatre in Seattle doing lights and sound.  After that I got my masters from the University of Washington and taught some classes in technical theatre.
		(CHUCK and another worker come in with sign.  They 
		put up the sign during the following with moderate 
		success)

					KELLY
This looks really good, but I have one question.

					ROXY
Yes?

					KELLY
What in the world brought you to Windy Rock, New Mexico?

					ROXY
I hate big cities.  To be honest I was hoping for a little bigger place than this...

					KELLY
It may be small, but people here love theatre.  And if you ever feel the need for city life, Gallup is right down the road.  It has almost 30,000 people.

					ROXY
		(Joking)
30,000?  Wow, that's big.

					KELLY
I tell you, if it weren't for my husband's job I would be out of here.  I'd take Seattle any day.

					ROXY
It's over-rated.  Trust me.

					KELLY
Well, since you're determined to stay I may as well offer you the job.

					ROXY
I have the job?  

					KELLY
The only other person who has applied is some guy who fixes tractors.  You're a bit more qualified.

					ROXY
Thanks.  When do I start?

					KELLY
Tonight.  We have a talent show to put on.
		(Sees CHUCK and worker's poor progress)
What are you two doing?
		(They stop and stare)
Just leave it and I'll fix it.

					CHUCK
Okay.
		(They exit)

					KELLY
How about starting now?  I could use the help.

					ROXY
Sure.
		(And they start putting up the sign as the lights 
		fade to black)

					Scene 3

		(Music is 1812 overture.  Lights come up on a the 
		Talent Show in progress.  The stage is cleared and 
		looks nice.  A girl in a weird outfit dances to 
		the music.  Music ends.  CHUCK holds up an 
		applause sign.  Audience claps.  She bows and 
		KELLY comes out)

					KELLY
That was Star Angel with her dance routine to the 1812 overture.   Let's give her another big hand.
		(Girl exits)
We've had a great time tonight.  I appreciate all of you that came out to support us tonight.  And we had some surprisingly good acts too.  So if all our contestants will come out.
		(All the various talents come out.  Everyone has 
		rather interesting get-ups and items they carry 
		out.  The costumes should make you wonder what 
		they did on stage.  For example, one guy might be 
		wearing a tux top with shorts, carrying a whip, 
		and dragging a stuffed animal by a rope.  CYRIL is 
		among them)
Who will be the winner of our all expense paid trip to Grants, New Mexico with a two-night stay at Jose's Trucker Inn.  
		(Applause)
Here to announce the winner is our new technical director, Roxy Carlton.
		(Applause.  ROXY comes out in a stunning dress.  
		CYRIL'S mouth drops open)

					ROXY
And the winner is:
		(Opens envelope)
Cyril DeBurge!
		(Wild applause.  Someone pushes CYRIL forward.  
		KELLY guides him up.  ROXY gives him a fancy 
		envelope and a kiss on the cheek.  CYRIL is 
		speechless)

					KELLY
You have a few words for us, Cyril?

					JANE
		(From audience)
Tell us some more jokes!
		(Wild applause)

					CYRIL
		(Takes one last look at ROXY who smiles and 
		nods.  He steps forward.  Others clear stage)
I don't know what to say.

					CAPTAIN
		(Appears out of audience)
What's the matter?  Cat got your tongue.

					CYRIL
Oh?  You're still in town?  Did they leave without you?
		(Aside)
I know I would.

					CAPTAIN
Aren't you being a little nosey?  
		(Referring to CYRIL'S nose)
I guess you're probably always nosing around.
		(CYRIL is mad.  ROXY, KELLY and others reappear 
		on stage)
What's wrong?  I guess nobody nose!

					CYRIL
Is that all you can think up?

					CAPTAIN
I'm sure I could come up with a few more.

					CYRIL
I bet you can't.

					CAPTAIN
Wanna bet?

					CYRIL
Gladly.

					KELLY
Cyril.  What are you doing?
		(CYRIL waves her down)

					CYRIL
I challenge you to a dual of jokes.  Whoever tells the most nose jokes...
		(CAPTAIN is up on stage)

					CAPTAIN
Yes?

					CYRIL
		(Thinks.  Grabs ROXY who comes along)
Gets a kiss from the lovely lady.

					KELLY
Cyril!

					ROXY
No, it's okay.

					CAPTAIN
		(Eyeing ROXY)
I'll gladly accept.

					CYRIL
		(Motions to CAPTAIN)
Ladies first.

					CAPTAIN
Ha, ha.  Very funny.

					CYRIL
I thought so.  Shall we begin?

					CAPTAIN
Okay, big nose.
		(Laughs)
There's one.

					CYRIL
That's it?  But I guess I shouldn't expect much from someone who must use his nose to count to eleven.

					FRED
		(From audience)
One - one!

					CYRIL
No, no.  We are insulting my nose, not his.  Let's see.  Oh, yes.  Aggressive: Sir, if I had such a nose, I would cut it off to please, not spite, my face.
		(Looks at audience)
One - one.

					CAPTAIN
Your nose is so big you must use a box of tissues a day.
		(A few boos from audience)

					CYRIL
Oh, let's give it to him.  Two - one.
		(Thinks)
Hummmm.  
		(Finds a glass at a on stage table)
Ah, here's one: Can you drink from a glass with a nose like that, or must you use a bucket? 
		(Tries to drink from it.  Can't)

					SALLY
Two - two!

					CAPTAIN
		(Frustrated.  Then smiles)
I've seen a bigger nose.  On an elephant.

					CYRIL
Very good.  Three - two.
		(Thinks. Smiles)
Descriptive: It's a bird!  It's a plane!  No, it's a 747!

					JANE
Three all!

					CAPTAIN
		(Annoyed)
Uh, your nose is so big you... you...

					CYRIL
See the snot before you hear the sneeze?
		(Some moans, some laughs)

					JACK
That point goes to CYRIL.

					CAPTAIN
He didn't let me finish.

					CYRIL
Go ahead.

					CAPTAIN
It's so big... you're always nosing around.
		(Boos)

					CYRIL
No point.
		(CAPTAIN scowls)
I know.  On exercise: I've heard of people developing their muscles, but you developed your nose?

					CAPTAIN
Uh...

					CYRIL
Gracious: How kind of you!  How many people put a bird perch on their own face?

					CAPTAIN
Now look here...

					CYRIL
When you have a cigarette and blow out your nose, do the neighbors cry, "Look out!  A chimney's on fire!"

					CAPTAIN
Forget it... I'm through...

					CYRIL
		(Stops him)
But I'm just getting started.  When you go to the movies, do they charge you twice?

					FRED
Seven to three!

					CAPTAIN
It is not!

					CYRIL
Flippant: Oh, like wow!  This must be a new craze!  Clever, fashionable, and useful too.  A man with his own coat hanger.

					CAPTAIN
I don't have to stay and listen to this.

					CYRIL
Wait!  Only four more.
		(Stops CAPTAIN)
When it bleeds, do you call it the Red Sea?
		(Laughter)
Hey, that thing's nearly a house... and wow, what a view!
		(Thinks)

					SALLY
Two more!

					CYRIL
Realistic: You can't tell me that's a nose.  I know what that is.  That's a potato.
		(CAPTAIN is really ticked)
And for my final insult: Musical.  Sing with me now:
		(Audience sings)
Nobody NOSE the trouble I've seen.  Nobody NOSE my sorrow.
		(Wild applause)

					CAPTAIN
I'm out of here.

					CYRIL
Don't forget to write.

					ROXY
You were wonderful.

					CYRIL
		(Blushes)
Thanks.

					ROXY
And for your prize... a kiss.
		(She kisses him on the cheek.  CHUCK holds up the 
		applause sign.  LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)

Scene 4

		(Lights come up on Cyril who is alone on stage.  
		He is in his National Guard uniform.  He is pacing 
		and looking at his watch)

					CYRIL
Where are they?  I sounded the disaster alarm twenty minutes ago.  Heaven forbid we have a disaster around here.

					CHUCK
		(Enters)
Hi.

					CYRIL
Where have you been?  Didn't you hear the alarm?

					CHUCK
Uh-huh.  It's real loud.

					CYRIL
And don't you know what that mean when you hear that alarm?

					CHUCK
I know it's something real bad.

					CYRIL
And did this take you twenty minutes to figure this out?

					CHUCK
		(Thinks.  Looks at watch.  Counts figures)
Just about.

					CYRIL
Just go.  Just get out of here.  We'll do this again another day.  
		(Sits.  Tired)
I don't even know why I try.

					FRED
		(Enters)
Hey, howdy, sir.  We got the troops ready for action.
		(JANE, SALLY, JACK enter with FRED.  They are in 
		full uniform, ready for disaster)

					CYRIL
Where have you all been?

					FRED
		(Looks confused)
Been?  We've been getting ready, sir.  

					CYRIL
Getting ready for what?  The apocalypse?!  I've been here for twenty minutes!

					FRED
Weren't we supposed to get ready first?

					CYRIL
We were to meet at the theatre to make our plan of attack.  How can you know what equipment you'll need if you don't know what disaster we're facing?

					SALLY
He's got a point, Fred.

					FRED
Shut up, Sally.

					JANE
I knew we should have come here first.

					JACK
Can we go know?  I have to be to town by five.

					CYRIL
Oh, sure, Jack.  I wouldn't want to interfere with your busy schedule.  In fact, why don't I tell you when a disaster is coming a week in advance.  That way you can plan ahead of time to make sure you're free!

					JACK
		(Pause.  Meekly)
That would be nice.

					CYRIL
But it's not going to happen, Jack!  God doesn't call ahead to let me know when these things happen.  They just do.  And that's why we've got to be ready.

					SALLY
I think we're getting tired of being ready.  We do these stupid drills once a week and for what?  Nothing ever happens.  This has got to be the safest place on Earth.

					CYRIL
Fine.  Why don't you all go home.  Take the day off.  When there is an Earthquake or a blizzard and the people crowd into this little theatre looking for help, I'll take them there's nothing we can do, because we aren't prepared to help.  You people need to know the drills...

					JANE
Cyril.  We know them, okay.  We know them too well.  I'm sorry we're late, but this is getting old.

					FRED
You're a good man, Cyril, but this is getting to be too much.

					CYRIL
Go home then.

					SALLY
Hey, Cyril.  Don't be mad...

					CYRIL
I said go home!  
		(They back off.  KELLY walks in)
I've been a failure socially.  I might as well be a failure at my job too.

					KELLY
		(Motions everyone to leave)
You guys go on home.
		(They go sadly)

					CYRIL
Save your breath, Kelly.  I don't need anyone's sympathy.  I'm used to disappointment.  I experience it every morning when I look in the mirror.

					KELLY
Not have a good day, huh?

					CYRIL
Some people have bad hair days.  I have bad nose days.

					KELLY
So all this glumness isn't about the Goof Troop?

					CYRIL
If I let them get to me, I'd have to check into a sanitarium.

					KELLY
Why'd you even try to have a drill if you were feeling so bad?

					CYRIL
Oh, I thought I might as well ruin my day all together.

					KELLY
Why are you feeling so down anyway?

					CYRIL
It was last night.

					KELLY
Last night?  I thought you had a great time.  I swear you and Roxy were here half the night talking.

					CYRIL
And that's we did was talk.  And that's all we can ever do, is talk.  What else would a woman want with me?

					KELLY
Don't tell me you've fallen for Roxy.

					CYRIL
Okay, I won't.

					KELLY
Man, you've got good taste.  She's beautiful and smart...

					CYRIL
And way out of my league.  What is my league, anyway?  Bearded ladies?  The mail order kind?

					KELLY
You never know, she might...

					CYRIL
Don't even kid yourself.  Someone like her is looking for someone a lot better looking than me.  Someone like him would fit the bill.
		(In walks CHRIS, a new recruit)

					KELLY
Who's that?

					CYRIL
Beats me.  Shall we find out?

					KELLY
Be my guest.

					CYRIL
Hello, there.

					CHRIS
Oh, hi.  Someone said I'd find the captain of the National Guard here.

					CYRIL
You're looking at him.

					CHRIS
Oh, yes.  I see.  Uh...
		(CHRIS is staring at CYRIL's nose)

					CYRIL
Is something wrong?

					CHRIS
Well, no.  It's only I...

					CYRIL
You can say it.  I'm a big boy.

					CHRIS
You... well they said... but...

					CYRIL
It's a legend in itself, I know.  It's been heard about for miles around.  Or at least the sneezes have.
		(KELLY laughs)
That was a joke soldier.

					CHRIS
		(Tries to laugh)
Very funny, sir.

					CYRIL
What's your name?

					CHRIS
Chris.  Sgt. Christian Lofton.

					CYRIL
Nice sounding name.  Welcome aboard.

					CHRIS
Here are my papers.

					CYRIL
You have a place, yet?

					CHRIS
No, I barely got into town.

					CYRIL
Well, you've come to the right place.  My sister-in-law here knows everyone there is to know in this town and she will make sure you are well treated.

					CHRIS
Thank you.

					KELLY
I'll call around and find you a place.

					CHRIS
You don't have to do that.

					KELLY
Hey, no problem.  I like doing favors.  That way I don't have to feel guilty when I ask you for one in return.
		(KELLY exits)

					CHRIS
She was nice.  Too bad she's married.

					CYRIL
Kelly?  Yeah, she's okay.  But you'll find there's lots of eligible bachelorettes around.

					CHRIS
Like her?
		(ROXY walks in)

					CYRIL
Who?
		(Sees who and gets worried)
Well, no...

					CHRIS
Is she married too?

					CYRIL
No, but...

					CHRIS
What?  Is she dating you or something?
		(Laughs.  CHRIS can't see CYRIL and ROXY together)

					ROXY
Hi, Cyril.  Who's this?

					CHRIS
My name's Chris.

					ROXY
Nice to meet you.

					CHRIS
Nice to... meet you.

					ROXY
Are you a new recruit?

					CHRIS
Uh, yeah.  How could you tell?

					ROXY
I can spot a military man a mile away.  My father was one.

					CHRIS
So was my dad.

					CYRIL
This is all very touching.

					ROXY
Well, I have errands to run.  Nice meeting you.

					CHRIS
You too.
		(ROXY exits)
Wow, oh, wow.  What a babe.

					CYRIL
I would appreciate it if you didn't address her that way.

					CHRIS
What are you, her dad?

					CYRIL
No, I don't think that kind of talk is appropriate for a soldier.

					CHRIS
Then I guess you haven't been a soldier in quite some time.  I'll see you around, sir.

					CYRIL
		(Grabs CHRIS)
You better watch yourself, soldier.  You're new to this town and we don't warm well to strangers who don't understand our ways.

					CHRIS
		(Pulls away)
And you'll find I'm not so easy to push around.  
		(Mad)
Look, sir.  I tell you the real reason I'm here.  The New Mexico National Guard knows what kind of operation you have going here and they don't like it.  They want to see some changes and I'm here to tell them what kind of changes they need to make.  And if one of those changes needs to be you...

					CYRIL
Get out of here.

					CHRIS
What?

					CYRIL
Get out of here before I do something that will give New Mexico National Guard something to talk about.

					CHRIS
See you tomorrow, sir.

					CYRIL
What a perfect end to a truly perfect day.

		(LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)

NOTES:

CYRIL can't find a way to persue ROXY, tries a letter, CHRIS finds it, wants it
CHRIS gets CYRIL to write notes in return for good reports
  give you the top rating, they trust me
CYRIL-what do you get,  Chris-a nice break, romance, I never can get this kind of chick, she has class and a body to match  Cyril-I feel like a pimp  Chris-price you pay, worth it?  Cyril thinks-hands over letter

ACT II
Scene 1

		(The second act takes place at the National Guard 
		Headquarters.  The set can be as simple as green 
		or camouflage canvas as a background.  CYRIL is 
		there alone half-pacing, half-marching)

					CYRIL
All right, troops.  It's half-past nine.  The enemy rolled in at nine.  I am surrounded.  I have no troops.  I have no way to escape.  So my only course of action is to give the enemy your home addresses and let them hunt you down.

					KELLY
		(Enters)
You busy?

					CYRIL
What's that?  Quiet down, men.  Someone's trying to talk. This might be important information.  I wouldn't want any of you to miss it.

					KELLY
They're late again?

					CYRIL
I'm so glad we're not at war.  

					KELLY
But what if Mexico invades?

					CYRIL
Gad-zooks.  I hadn't thought of that.  I guess we'll have to give them New Mexico.

					KELLY
No great loss.

					CYRIL
Aw.  Come on.  What's wrong with New Mexico?

					KELLY
It's great if you like green chile.

					CYRIL
Hamburgers wouldn't be the same without them.  Well, enough about the wonders of New Mexico.  What brings you here?

					KELLY
I wanted to thank you for the talent show last night.  It was a big hit.  People are already asking when we'll do it again.

					CYRIL
I'm ready.

					KELLY
I don't think we could find another great prize like that one.

					CYRIL
Yeah, you spared no expense with Jose’s, did you?

					KELLY
He donated that prize.

					CYRIL
I wonder if anyone actually pays to stay there?

					KELLY
Oh, it's not that bad.

					CYRIL
Have you stayed there?  It gives new meaning to roach motels.

					KELLY
The reason I came over here is Roxy.

					CYRIL
		(Turns away)
Who?

					KELLY
		(Seeing through him)
You know.  The one who kissed you.  The one who carried on about you all night saying how talented you are.

					CYRIL
She said that?

					KELLY
So you do like her?

					CYRIL
Who said I liked her?  I didn't.

					KELLY
I'm not sure if it was the drooling or the panting that tipped me off.

					CYRIL
		(Annoyed)
Very funny.

					KELLY
Well, anyway.  I wanted to tell you that she went to college with you.

					CYRIL
She did?

					KELLY
She was a freshman when you were a senior.  She remembered you very well.

					CYRIL
		(Frowning and pointing to his nose)
Who wouldn't?  
		(Scratches nose)
I wonder if she remembered my witty personality or my dashing charm?

					KELLY
Oh, Cyril.  She didn't say anything about your nose.

					CYRIL
Most kind people don't.  But they're always thinking, "I'm seeing one a the natural wonders of the world!"

					KELLY
They do not.

					CYRIL
I see it in their eyes.

					KELLY
Don't be so paranoid.

					CYRIL
I'm not paranoid.  I'm realistic.

					KELLY
I'm not here to argue.  I though you might like to know that about Roxy.  

					CYRIL
Why?

					KELLY
Because it means you have something in common.

					CYRIL
So do cheese and mold.  But we don't eat the mold.

					KELLY
With an attitude like that, you'll never date anyone. 

					CYRIL
I've give up trying, Kelly.  A person can only be rejected so many times.

					KELLY
How many times have you tried?

					CYRIL
		(Hesitates)
Oh, I don't know.  Lots of times.

					KELLY
Cindy Thomas in the third grade doesn't count?

					CYRIL
And why not?

					KELLY
You haven't even tried, have you?

					CYRIL
Sure I think about it.  I think about it all the time.  But I don't even know how to start.  What do I say, "Hey, baby.  How'd you like to date a man who can smell the bread baking in Albuquerque?"

					KELLY
You've got to try, Cyril.  You can't wait for it to happen.  You've got to make it happen.

					CYRIL
So she thinks I'm pretty talented, huh?

					KELLY
That's all she talked about.
		(Silence.  KELLY smiles and leaves. CYRIL paces 
		again, but much more slowly)

					CYRIL
Oh, Roxy.  If only I didn't have such a nose, then I could talk to you... romance you.  If only you could see beyond it.  If you could just see what's inside...
		(Sniffs.  Rubs nose)
Well, then again.
		(Knock at door)
Enter!

					CHRISTIAN
Permission to enter, sir.

					CYRIL
What's this?  A well-mannered soldier?

					CHRISTIAN
Yes, sir. 
		(Standing at attention)

					CYRIL
You're only here on loan right?

					CHRISTIAN
No, sir.

					CYRIL
You're here to stay?

					CHRISTIAN
Yes, sir.

					CYRIL
Finally a real soldier.
		(Looks up)
Thank you, God.  

					CHRISTIAN
My papers, sir.

					CYRIL
		(Teasing)
You didn't ask for permission to speak.

					CHRISTIAN
Oh, shoot.

					CYRIL
That's okay.  At ease.  Sit down.  Let me look at these papers.

					FRED
		(Enters with SALLY, JOE, JANE, and JACK)
We're here.

					CYRIL
You're late.

					JOE
Better late than never.

					CYRIL
Late for war and you're dead.

					JACK
But we're not at war.

					CYRIL
And I hope we never will be.  We'd be in trouble.

					JANE
Can we hurry this up?  I've got a date tonight.

					FRED
Who with?  Bubba Joe?

					JANE
Mind your own business.

					JACK and FRED
Bubba and Jane sittin' in a tree...

					CYRIL
Why do I even try?
		(CHUCK enters unnoticed with a large paper bag 
		clutched to his chest.  CYRIL turns to CHRIS)
Welcome to "Our Gang Comedy Hour."

					CHRIS
Are they always like this?

					CYRIL
They're behaving pretty well today.

					SALLY
		(Goes up to CHRIS)
Who's this?

					CYRIL
Okay, everybody.  I want you to meet our new soldier.  This is Sgt. Christian Patterson.

					JANE
Sergeant?

					CYRIL
Yes, unlike most of you, Chris here has applied himself.  He's here to show you what a real soldier is like.

					JACK
He's too good looking to be a soldier.

					SALLY
Why, Jack?  You interested?

					JACK
Shut up.

					CYRIL
Since you all want to play around, I have the perfect duty for you today.  Bathroom detail.

					JOE
Again?

					CYRIL
Yes, but this time you're in for a real treat.  
		(Pulls a tooth brush from his pocket)
This time you get to clean the bathroom with toothbrushes.

					SALLY
Our last commander let us go on a picnic.

					CYRIL
I'm not your last commander.

					FRED
No kidding.

					CYRIL
Where's Chuck?

					JANE
Over there.

					CYRIL
What you got in the bag, Chuck?

					CHUCK
It's my special project for this week.  

					JACK
		(Nervous)
Oh, no.  What is it?

					CHUCK
Shh.  Listen.
		(They hush each other up.  They here tick, tick, 
		tick, tick.  They stare at each other wide eyed)

					JANE
Run!
		(Everyone except CHUCK, CYRIL, and CHRIS clear the 
		room)

					CYRIL
Are you crazy?
		(CHUCK just laughs)

					CHRIS
Okay, Chuck.  Put it down, please.
		(CHUCK shakes his head)
I'm asking you nicely.
		(CHUCK looks at CHRIS suspiciously)
Put it down, nice and slow.

					CHUCK
Okay.
		(He drops it.  CYRIL and CHRIS jump back.  CHUCK 
		laughs and runs from the room)

					CHRIS
Maybe it isn't a bomb?

					CYRIL
We have to make sure.
		(They go to it cautiously)
I'll open the bag.  You pull it out.
		(CHRIS nods and does.  It looks like a bomb)

					CHRIS
It looks real.  What do we do?

					CYRIL
Disarm it.

					CHRIS
You know how?

					CYRIL
Not really.  Let's try cutting some wires.

					CHRIS
I don't know about this.  Maybe we should call a bomb expert.  

					CYRIL
The closest one just ran out of the room laughing.  The next closest is a hundred miles away.

					CHRIS
Here's a knife.

					CYRIL
Wish me luck.
		(Lights begin to fade)

					CHRIS
No!  Wait!  Not the red one!
		(BLACKOUT)

ACT II
Scene 2

		(Lights come up on the same National Guard HQ.  It 
		is the next day.  CHRIS is alone.  He looks like 
		he hasn't had much sleep.  CHUCK enters R 
		laughing)

					CHRIS
		(A little annoyed)
Yes, Chuck.  That was pretty funny.  You did a good job dressing up that alarm clock.  You're very creative.
		(CHUCK exits L still chuckling)

					JACK
		(Entering R with JOE, SALLY, JANE, and FRED)
Reporting for duty...
		(Doesn't see CYRIL)
Where's the boss?

					CHRIS
He left me in charge.  He said he had to go see someone named Roxy or ROXY or something like that.

					JOE
		(Winks)
Ah, yes.  ROXY.

					FRED
Man o' man is see something to see.

					SALLY
You make you sound like a carnival ride.

					FRED
That about describes her, yes.

					JANE
You guys are so awful.

					JACK
We're just human.

					CHRIS
ROXY.  I haven't see her yet.

					JOE
You'd remember her.

					SALLY
CYRIL doesn't have a chance.

					CHRIS
Not with a nose like that.
		(Everyone freaks out, hushing CHRIS and looking 
		around to see if CYRIL is near) 

					JANE
Careful.

					CHRIS
What did I say?

					JACK
You said the "n" word.

					CHRIS
You mean nose.
		(More freaking out and hushing)
What?

					JOE
Never.  I mean never mention his... uh...

					CHRIS
Nose?

					SALLY
He did it again.

					JANE
He's dead meat.

					CHRIS
What are you talking about?

					FRED
CYRIL is a little sensitive about it.  

					JACK
Only a dead man talks about his nose.

					SALLY
Or a very stupid one.

					CHRIS
Come on.  It can't be that bad.

					JOE
Fine.  Don't believe us.  But you're digging your own grave.
		(CHRIS laughs.  CYRIL enters.  Others scatter and 
		go about their business)

					CYRIL
That's what I like to see.  Eager beavers.

					CHRIS
Have a good visit?

					CYRIL
I did.  ROXY and I have a lot in common.

					CHRIS
I hear she's quite a looker.

					CYRIL
Uh, well, yes.  She very intelligent too.

					CHRIS
Yeah, but we all know what makes a real woman.

					CYRIL
		(Annoyed)
And what is that?

					CHRIS
You know.  We like 'em built.  Well endowed.  Nice legs.  Cute little nose.
		(Small gasp from others)

					CYRIL
Little nose, huh?

					CHRIS
Of course.

					CYRIL
I never get caught up in looks.

					CHRIS
I wouldn't think so.
		(Reaction from others.  They start to clear the 
		room.  CYRIL goes up to CHRIS)

					CYRIL
And what is that supposed to mean?

					CHRIS
		(Not wanted to offend.  He wasn't thinking before 
		he spoke)
I meant we... uh... I'm sure you look for other things.

					CYRIL
That's not what you meant.
		(Backing CHRIS into a corner)

					CHRIS
I didn't mean anything by it.  I didn't want to say anything that would offend you.  I was just talking.  Talking stupid.  No decent person would say anything about your nose.

					CYRIL
		(Long silence)
I had a good morning.  I was hoping for a good day, but there still may be time to salvage that.  
		(Walks away from CHRIS)
Besides, you're right really.

					CHRIS
Huh?

					CYRIL
		(Sadly laughs)
Who'd want me anyway?  Who'd want to wake up every morning and see a glorious nose.

					CHRIS
I wasn't saying...

					CYRIL
No, what you said was true.  We all know that.  Yes my nose is huge, enormous, vast!  Hey, here's an accessory I should be proud to wear.  I have been told a large nose is the sign of a large heart.  It is a symbol of courage and courtesy.  It makes me twice a man!  It should.  I have twice the nose.  But what makes me great, unique, wonderful... makes me most undesirable.
		(Looks off sadly)

					CHRIS
You are a great person.  I can see that.

					CYRIL
All you see is my nose.  That's all anyone sees.  ROXY could never love me.  You've helped me to see that now.  I was a dreamer.  Living in my mind.  Flying to the moon and back.  Riding on a moon beam.  Skipping on clouds.  I am a poet.  A romantic.  I shall always see the rose but never touch it.
		(CHRIS is speechless.  ROXY comes in)

					ROXY
CYRIL.  I...
		(Feels that something is wrong)
Did something happen?
		(CHRIS stares at ROXY.  He sees how beautiful 
		she is.  He knows CYRIL doesn't have a chance)
CYRIL?

					CYRIL
		(Trying to joke)
I... uh... had a bloody nose.  It was a regular flood.  I must tend to it now.
		(Exits L without looking at her)

					ROXY
He looks really upset.

					CHRIS
		(Pause)
Can I help you?  I'm... Christian.  CYRIL'S new man... recruit... you know.

					ROXY
Nice to meet you. 
		(They stare a moment.  Then she holds up a book)
I brought this for CYRIL.  
		(Hands it to CHRIS)

					CHRIS
		(Tries to read name of author)
See... Sirvan...

					ROXY
Cervantes.  It's Don Quixote in Spanish.  CYRIL said he loved the story but had never read it in Spanish.  I found my copy from college.  

					CHRIS
I'll... say hi.

					ROXY
Make sure he gets it.  Tell him I enjoyed having coffee this morning.  Ask him to call me.
		(Gives CHRIS paper with phone number)
And my address when he wants to return the book.

					CHRIS
Nice to meet you.

					ROXY
Good luck with CYRIL.  I hear he's tough.

					CHRIS
Okay.
		(JACK enters.  ROXY exits)
You were right.  She is gorgeous.

					JACK
What was she doing here?

					CHRIS
She just dropped by.
		(Holds up paper)
I got her phone number and address.

					JACK
You did?
		(CHRIS nods)
What's the book for?

					CHRIS
It's garbage.  
		(Throws it in garbage can.  JANE, SALLY return)

					JACK
You are a lucky ducky, man.

					JANE
Why is he so lucky?

					JACK
He got Roxy's number.

					SALLY
Don't tell CYRIL.

					CHRIS
Why not?

					JANE
He'll be out for blood.

					JACK
Speaking of blood.  How come you're not bleeding?  The way you were talking...

					CHRIS
People don't push me around.

					SALLY
I guess not.

					JANE
It's almost lunch time.  Let's go get something.

					CHRIS
You barely got here.

					JACK
CYRIL doesn't know that.

					JANE
And if he gets mad, we'll say you said we could go.  You seem to know how to handle him.
		(JOE and FRED enter)

					JOE
You guys leaving?

					SALLY
Chris is giving us a lunch break.

					FRED
Cool.

					JACK
See ya'.
		(They exit R)

					CYRIL
		(Enters)
Is she gone?

					CHRIS
Yeah.
		(Looks at garbage can)

					CYRIL
Did she say why she came by?

					CHRIS
Uh, I think she wanted to meet me, that's all.

					CYRIL
Oh.  I suppose you two hit it off.  Same body types and all.  No unusual features.

					CHRIS
Don't be so hard on yourself.

					CYRIL
No, I guess nature has been cruel enough.

					CHRIS
See, that was funny.  You know how to joke.

					CYRIL
I didn't know I was joking.

					CHRIS
He have a great way with words.  I always sound so stupid around women.

					CYRIL
You're not... uh...

					CHRIS
No, I'm straight.  I do fine with dumb chicks, but ROXY.  She's something.

					CYRIL
Oh, if only I had your looks and you had my brains.  We'd be irresistible.

					CHRIS
		(Takes out paper)
Maybe...

					CYRIL
What's that?

					CHRIS
I got her address and phone.

					CYRIL
		(Sarcastic)
Oh, good.  Now you can write her a letter.

					CHRIS
That's a great idea.

					CYRIL
I was joking that time.

					CHRIS
No, really.  You could write her a letter and I'll sign it.

					CYRIL
Now wait a minute.  That isn't right.

					CHRIS
But it's the only way.  You do all the talking...

					CYRIL
Yeah, and you get to do all kissing...

					CHRIS
But you could swoon her...

					CYRIL
And we could get in a lot of trouble.

					CHRIS
Fine.  Don't do it.  But it's the only way you'll ever have anything to do with her.
		(CYRIL takes paper.  Sighs)

					CYRIL
I guess you're right.

					CHRIS
Great.  You write it.  I'll get it after lunch.

					CYRIL
Only an hour?  I can't do something that fast.  I have to be inspired.

					CHRIS
It can't be that hard.

					CYRIL
You'd be surprised.

					CHRIS
Fine.  Take all the time you need.  I'll keep an eye on the troops and you write the letter.  Is it a deal?

					CYRIL
		(Sits at desk)
Anything to get away from the Kamikaze Club.

					CHRIS
I'll get it tonight then.   Where will you be?

					CYRIL
It's Saturday, so I'll be at the theatre.

					CHRIS
See you then.  Bye.
		(Exits R excited)

					KELLY
		(Enters R as CHRIS exits)
Who was that gorgeous hunk of man?

					CYRIL
		(Already into letter)
Huh?  Oh, that's Christian.

					KELLY
What a time not to be single.

					CYRIL
I'm gonna tell my brother on you.

					KELLY
He won't care.  What are you doing?

					CYRIL
		(Turns letter over)
Nothing.

					KELLY
		(Aggressive.  Goes after letter)
Let me see.

					CYRIL
No!
		(They struggle and she finally snatches letter)

					KELLY
"Dearest ROXY!"
		(He fights for it back)
"No poet can capture you in words."

					CYRIL
		(Gets it back)
Mind your own business.

					KELLY
I thought maybe you'd fallen for her.

					CYRIL
I haven't.  I mean... she doesn't care for me.

					KELLY
Oh, CYRIL.  Don't be upset.

					CYRIL
I am upset.  I try to be nice.  I try to be charming.  But the minute she see a "gorgeous hunk o' man" she's done with old banana nose.

					KELLY
You mean Christian?

					CYRIL
Yes.  You know, the one you drooled all over as you came in.

					KELLY
I was only kidding, CYRIL.

					CYRIL
Well, ROXY wasn't.  She gave him her number.
		(Holds paper up.  KELLY takes it)

					KELLY
Why do you have it?

					CYRIL
I was jealous.  I stole it from him.  I told him I'd destroy all his military records if he didn't.  I get him in so much trouble with the government he would... he'd sure be sorry.

					KELLY
		(Knowing CYRIL too well)
You didn't do that.

					CYRIL
Well, I could have.
		(Long pause.  He takes address back)

					KELLY
I'm waiting for the truth.

					CYRIL
Would you believe he dropped it and I picked it up?

					KELLY
That make more sense.

					CYRIL
Good.  Then I don't have to make up anything else.

					KELLY
CYRIL.  You are a sweet man, but you have to realize you will have trouble with women.

					CYRIL
Don't you think I know that.

					KELLY
I'll talk to you when you're in a better mood.

					CYRIL
I'll be in a better mood when they invent pencil sharpeners big enough for noses.

					KELLY
Good-bye, CYRIL.  I'll see you tonight.
		(On her way out R)

					CYRIL
Don't count on it.
		(KELLY exits.  CYRIL looks at letter and throws it 
		away.  Then he see something.  He pulls out the 
		book ROXY brought)
What is the world?
		(CHUCK wanders in from L)
Chuck, do you know what this is?

					CHUCK
		(Stops.  Looks around.  Thinks)
A book?

					CYRIL
Thanks, Chuck.  You're a big help.
		(CHUCK smiles and exits R)
I wonder...
		(Lights fade to black)

ACT III
Scene 1

		(Lights come up on the theatre.  The balcony from 		ACT I is out.  The stage is empty because it is 
		Sunday.  KELLY and ROXY are talking)

					ROXY
Another good show last night.

					KELLY
It was interesting.

					ROXY
Everyone really like them.

					KELLY
Who'd think "Diego and His Dancing Doggies" would be a hit.

					ROXY
I loved the routine they did to "Achy Breaky Bark."

					KELLY
As long as it brings in the money.

					ROXY
We'll go for quality later.
		(Looks at a letter)

					KELLY
You have been reading that since we got here today.  It can't be that long.

					ROXY
It isn't.  But it's so wonderful.  I haven't had a love letter since Jr. High.

					KELLY
		(Trying to act surprised)
A love letter?

					ROXY
"Dearest ROXY, No poet can capture you in words.  No artist could touch your beauty..."  
		(Sighs)
It's too perfect.  Except it isn't signed.

					KELLY
It isn't?

					ROXY
No.  I wonder who it's from?

					KELLY 
I have an idea, but I probably shouldn't say.

					ROXY 
		(Not listening to KELLY) 
I wonder if it's Christian.  I only met him yesterday, but it's possible.  

					KELLY 
I wouldn't narrow it don't that quickly.  There are a lot a guys around.  
		(Hinting)
Right under your nose, in fact.

					ROXY
		(Laughs)
Christian did seem pretty muddled when I met him.

					KELLY
You probably do that to a lot of men.

					ROXY
I wish I could finally meet a guy that could a conversation.  But I could settle for letters.  

					KELLY
There's a guy or two around that hold their own around you.

					ROXY
And whoever wrote this seems to know a lot about me.  He doesn't outright say anything specific, but he seems to know me.

					KELLY
That rules out Chris.

					ROXY
Who knows?  Maybe, maybe not.

					KELLY
		(Looks at watch)
I have to go.  I say you think about it some more.  I think you might be surprised at who it is.
		(Exits R)

					ROXY
		(Absorbed.  Wanders off L)
"The perfect lines of your form denote a magical geometry."
		(Off)

					CYRIL
		(Leads CHRIS in)
We can talk here.  It's Sunday.  No one should be here.  Kelly always gives her people at least one day off.

					CHRIS
So why did you want to see me?  Did you write the letter?

					CYRIL
Yes.

					CHRIS
		(Excited)
Good.  Show it to me.

					CYRIL
We have some business first.

					CHRIS
What?
		(CYRIL pulls the Cervantes book from his bag)
Oh.

					CYRIL
So you know about it.

					CHRIS
Huh, no.  Well, I've seen it in the stores of course.

					CYRIL
I doubt it.  It's pretty rare.
		(CHRIS is silent)
And the funny thing is: I was talking to ROXY about this very book yesterday morning.  Then after she dropped by at HQ I found this very book in the garbage.  Pretty weird, huh?

					CHRIS
Yeah, a regular mystery.  Too bad Sherlock Holmes is in England.

					CYRIL
So.  Did you have anything to do with this book ending up in the garbage?  Did ROXY come over just to meet you?  Do you wish to live long enough to see the New Year?

					CHRIS
Hey, wait a second here.  I... I didn't know about any of this.  Uh, Chuck was the one who said ROXY was there to see me.  Chuck had a book like that.  I remember now.  Chuck told ROXY he'd deliver it.  He must have thrown it away.

					CYRIL
Chuck?

					CHRIS
You know how Chuck is.

					CYRIL
No, I don't.  How is he?

					CHRIS
		(Pause)
Well, you know.  Uh...

					CYRIL
Either you're a better liar than I thought you were or you're being honest.  
		(CHRIS smiles)
Honesty doesn't seem to become you.  
		(CHRIS is nervous.  CYRIL circles)
You look kind of like a dog who's piddled on the floor and doesn't want his master to beat him.
		(CHRIS smiles again.  CYRIL walks away)
I can't be cruel to lower life forms.  It's against my better nature.

					CHRIS
		(One track mind)
What about the letter?

					CYRIL
I sent it.

					CHRIS
You did?

					CYRIL
Yes.

					CHRIS
Who's name did you put on it?

					CYRIL
Why don't you ask ROXY?

					CHRIS
I couldn't do that.

					CYRIL
Then you'll never know.

					CHRIS
		(Upset. Whines)
Cy-ril.

					CYRIL
		(Mokes)
Chr-is.

					CHRIS
This isn't fair.

					CYRIL
All's fair in love and war, my friend.

					CHRIS
I didn't know this was a war.

					CYRIL
And I didn't know you were in love.
		(Hears something)
Who's that?

					CHRIS
Someone's here.

					CYRIL
Hide.
		(They run around the side of the balcony, peeking 
		out.  ROXY comes out on balcony)

					ROXY
Oh, Romeo, Romeo.  Where for art though, Romeo?
		(Silence)

					CHRIS
I'm here ROXY.

					CYRIL
		(Whisper)
What are you doing?
		(Holding CHRIS back)

					ROXY
Who's there?
		(CYRIL struggles with CHRIS.  Has his hand over 
		CHRIS's mouth for a second)
Is it the one who wrote me the letter?

					CHRIS
Yes.
		(They still struggle)

					ROXY
Who are you then?  Do I know you?

					CHRIS
Yes.   We met...

					ROXY
Yes, when?

					CHRIS
Not long ago.
		(Struggle, struggle)

					ROXY
Chris?  Chris, is that you?
		(CYRIL tries with all his might to stop CHRIS)

					CHRIS
		(Finally)
Yes!

					ROXY
Come out then.

					CYRIL
		(Gets hold of CHRIS)
No.

					ROXY
Then I'll come down.

					CYRIL
No, please no.

					ROXY
You sound strange.

					CYRIL
Because this is so difficult.  Ow!
		(CHRIS breaks free)

					ROXY
Are you hurt?

					CHRIS
I'm only hurting for your love.

					ROXY
Your voice changes again.  What's going on?
		(CHRIS is frozen.  Looks at CYRIL who crosses his 
		arms)

					CYRIL
		(Whisper)
Go on.  Dazzle her.
		(CHRIS mouth opens but nothing comes out)

					ROXY
Chris.  What's wrong?

					CHRIS
I... I don't know.

					ROXY
I loved your letter.

					CHRIS
Thanks.

					ROXY
Speak to me Chris.  Say something romantic.

					CHRIS
		(Confused, then:)
I love you.

					ROXY
Yes, talk of love.

					CHRIS
I love...

					ROXY
Tell me some of your love poetry.  You must be a poet with the way you write.

					CHRIS
Love is love.
		(CYRIL rolls his eyes)

					ROXY
More, Chris.

					CHRIS
Love is love is love.

					ROXY
Yes?

					CHRIS
I love...
		(She waits)
You love...
		(Looks to CYRIL who sticks out his tongue)
Wouldn't you like to love too?

					ROXY
Come on, Chris.  This isn't like the letter.  You write me candy and you speak liver.  Tell me how much you love me.

					CHRIS
A whole bunch.

					ROXY
You've been stuck stupid.  You might as well be ugly for the dumb words you speak.

					CHRIS
But, ROXY... I...

					ROXY
		(Annoyed)
I know.  You love.  You already told me that.  Good-bye, Chris.

					CHRIS
No, ROXY.  Wait.

					ROXY
I'll lock myself in my tower until you find you words.  
		(Exits)

					CHRIS
		(To CYRIL)
You've got to help me.

					CYRIL
Me?  Ha, that's a laugh.  Why should I help you?

					CHRIS
You've got to.

					CYRIL
No, I don't.  Good-bye.

					CHRIS
		(Grabs him)
No, wait!  Don't go!

					ROXY
		(Comes out)
Have you found your words?
		(CYRIL and CHRIS hide)

					CHRIS
		(To CYRIL)
Please?

					ROXY
Is this going to be another poor attempt...

					CHRIS
Please, wait, ROXY.  Give me a chance.

					CYRIL
I'll feed you the words.

					ROXY
Is someone with you, Chris?

					CHRIS
Oh, no.  I'm quite alone.

					CYRIL
I don't know why.  But I will.  You owe me for this.
		(CHRIS nods frantically)

					ROXY
I'm going home this time.

					CYRIL
		(Whisper)
If you leave...

					CHRIS
If you leave...

					CYRIL
My heart turns to stone.

					CHRIS
My heart turns to stone.

					ROXY
		(Stops)
And why is that?

					CYRIL
You are...

					CHRIS
You are...

					CYRIL
The only thing...

					CHRIS
The only thing...

					CYRIL
That gives it life.

					CHRIS
That gives it life.

					ROXY
Now, I like what you say, but your delivery is strange.  Why is your speech so broken.

					CHRIS
I feeling a little sick.

					CYRIL and ROXY
What?

					CHRIS
I mean...

					CYRIL
		(Speaking to ROXY)
Every step you take away from me takes me closer to my death.

					ROXY
Your voice?  Is it still you?

					CYRIL
I have finally broken free.  This is my true voice.  The voice in the letter.  The voice you give to me.

					ROXY
Oh, Chris...

					CYRIL
I long to touch you.  Your hair.  It must be so soft, like a kittens.

					ROXY
Come out where I can see you.
		(CHRIS starts to go.  CYRIL grabs him)

					CYRIL
No!

					ROXY
		(Surprised)
Why not?

					CYRIL
The mystery.  Let us love the mystery.  Only our words.  Let them touch the night, let them caress our souls.  Feel the kiss of tenderness, the touch of compassion, the embrace of passion.

					ROXY
I can feel it, Chris.

					CYRIL
And I feel you.  Your touch.  I have often dreamed of you.  What it would be like to be with you.  To look upon you is like staring into the sun.  Your form is etched forever in my memory.  Even now, as I close my eyes, I see you.  I feel you.  And you are trembling.  A trembling leaf among shaken leaves.  I feel the tender quivering of your hand upon me.

					ROXY
Yes, I am trembling.  I can feel your touch from so far away.  I am yours.  

					CYRIL
Then let death come, for this is all I desire.  I ask for nothing but this...

					CHRIS
		(Trying to sound like CYRIL)
Nothing but a kiss!

					ROXY
		(Spell is broken)
What?

					CYRIL
No!

					ROXY
Chris?

					CYRIL
I go too fast.
		(Punches CHRIS)

					ROXY
You don't want a kiss?

					CHRIS
I do!

					CYRIL
Shut up, Chris!

					ROXY
What did you say?

					CYRIL
I told myself to shut up because I've gone too far.

					ROXY
Have you?

					CHRIS
		(Whisper)
Don't stop now.  Let's take advantage of this.  We've got her in the mood.

					CYRIL
		(To both ROXY and CHRIS)
I have cast a spell on you ROXY.  It would not be fair for me to ask for something even as simple as a kiss.

					ROXY
Your magic is strong.  I don't think I can resist.

					CHRIS
Then don't say another word.  I'm coming.
		(Before CYRIL knows what is happening, CHRIS 
		climbs up to ROXY, kisses her and they disappear 
		off stage)

					CYRIL
		(Stares dumbly after them)
What have I done?
		(Wanders off R)

					CHUCK
		(Enters L.  He is sweeping)
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.  It's a beautiful day for a neighbor...

					CYRIL
		(Falls from a somewhat high point off R)
Aaaah!

					CHUCK
Oh, my.
		(Runs to him)
What happened?

					CYRIL
I have fallen.

					CHUCK
From where?

					CYRIL
The moon.

					CHUCK
The moon?

					CYRIL
Where am I?  What time is it?

					CHUCK
Did you hit your head?

					CYRIL
		(Grabs CHUCK)
What's going on?

					CHUCK
Uh...

					CYRIL
I don't know what happened.  One minute I was on the moon, then pow!  I was flying through space, like a shooting star.

					CHUCK
You're pulling my leg.

					CYRIL
I tell you it's true.  I fell from the moon!

					CHUCK
Okay.  Whatever you say.
		(To self)
I know he hit his head.

					CYRIL
I have to know where I am!  Tell me.

					CHUCK
You're in the theatre.  It's Sunday.  8:00.

					CYRIL
I was not gone long then.

					CHUCK
Since yesterday.

					CYRIL
So right.  And I am a mess.  Look at me.  All this moon dust.  What they need is a good janitor on the moon.  Dust everywhere.

					CHUCK
Really?

					CYRIL
And here's a comet hair on my shirt.

					CHUCK
Comets don't have hair.

					CYRIL
How do you know?  Have you ever met a comet?

					CHUCK
Well...

					CYRIL
And I you mess my nose milk will come out!

					CHUCK
Milk?!

					CYRIL
From the Milky Way!

					CHUCK
Good-bye, CYRIL.
		(Exits L)

					CYRIL
Alone again.
		(ROXY and CHRIS appear hand in hand)

					ROXY
Oh, I didn't know anyone was here.

					CYRIL
Nor did I.  Excuse me.
		(Turns to go)

					ROXY
		(Goes to him)
CYRIL?  What's wrong?  You seem sad.

					CYRIL
It's the news.  I shouldn't watch it.

					ROXY
What did you hear?

					CYRIL
About the civil war going on that Pacific island.

					ROXY
Giardia?

					CYRIL
Yes.  I'm worried they'll ask us to go as a peace keeping force.

					CHRIS
You think they might.

					CYRIL
We're on the list.  I'm waiting for the call.

					ROXY
How soon might it be?

					CYRIL
A day.  A month.  Who knows?  Politics muddle everything.  Words can sometimes be as dangerous as anything physical.

					ROXY
I see.

					CHRIS
I'm sure they won't need us.

					ROXY
Really?

					CHRIS
Positive.  I've been involved in these things before.  Never ever becomes of them.  I can promise you that.
		(BLACKOUT)

					ACT III
					Scene 2

		(Lights come up on FRED, JANE, SALLY, and JACK in 
		National Guard uniforms hiding behind sand bags.  
		The lights are low so nothing is seen but the 
		soldiers C [this provides an easy change back and 
		forth to the theatre.  CHUCK runs on.  Gun fire.  
		JANE shoots back.  JACK screams)

					SALLY
Where are they?

					JANE
Did I get one?

					FRED
No, but I think you killed a tree.

					JACK
Is it over?

					SALLY
Yes, Patton.  They're done shooting.

					JACK
Don't make fun of me.  I never thought we'd be doing something like this.

					JANE
What did you think we were doing all this time, preparing for the county fair?

					JACK
I never thought we'd actually fight any body.

					SALLY
Where's CYRIL and Chris?

					CHUCK
They're okay.

					FRED
What are they doing?

					CHUCK
I don't know.
		(They hear huge BOOM)

					JACK
What was that?

					SALLY
Something blew up over by the enemy's dugout.

					CYRIL
		(Off stage)
All clear.

					JANE
		(Stands)
It's CYRIL.

					SALLY
Where's Chris?

					FRED
What'd you do?

					CYRIL
		(Enters)
I threw a grenade and scared them off.

					JACK
Did you get any body?

					CYRIL
We're not here to kill any body, Jack.  We're to keep peace and get food to people.

					CHUCK
Where's Chris?

					CYRIL
He was right behind me.

					JANE
Look!

					SALLY
What's he doing?

					JACK
Looks like he's scored to me.

					CYRIL
Chris!  Get over here!
		(CHRIS enters with beautiful NATIVE GIRL)
What were you doing over there?

					JANE
Looked like mouth to mouth to me.

					CHRIS
I found her hiding in the bushes.  I was... uh... protecting her.  I was afraid she'd get hurt.

					NATIVE GIRL
Gon-wanna go?

					SALLY
I think she wants some more protecting.

					CHRIS
She wants me to walk her back to her village.  I'd better.  I wouldn't want a sniper to get her.

					CYRIL
You go ahead and do that, Chris.  We'll hold down the fort.

					CHRIS
Thanks, boss.
		(NATIVE GIRL and CHRIS exit)

					JACK
Some guys have all the luck.

					CYRIL
Replacement troops are coming from Australia.  We should be going soon.

					JANE
Thank goodness.

					SALLY
I can finally take a bath.

					JACK
You need it.
		(SALLY slugs him)

					CYRIL
Let's pack it up.  We'll report in and be on a plane within a week.

					FRED
I'm ready.  
		(They exit singing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" or something 
		like that.  LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)

ACT III
Scene 3

		(Lights come up on ROXY and KELLY in theatre 
		[sandbags are cleared].  They look like they have 
		been talking a while)

					ROXY
He's sent so many letters.  Each one is more touching than the last.

					KELLY
I didn't know Chris had it in him.

					ROXY
It's strange.  He seems so simple when we're together.  Other than that one night, he never says much.

					KELLY
That's okay.  He's fun to look at.

					ROXY
Yes, I know, but I want to see more of what I read in the letters.

					KELLY
Gee.  It's almost like someone else has been writing them.

					ROXY
You don't think.  No, that's crazy.  

					KELLY
I hear they'll be back soon.

					ROXY
Yeah, the United State decided to pull out as quickly as they went in.

					KELLY
I wish we'd make up our minds.

					ROXY
Well, we fed the people.  We weren't there to fight a war.

					KELLY
I hope they all made it out okay.
		(CYRIL enters)

					ROXY
CYRIL!
		(KELLY runs and hugs CYRIL)

					KELLY
How are you?

					CYRIL
Fine.

					KELLY
You look good as ever.

					CYRIL
Thanks.

					ROXY
Where's Chris?
		(CYRIL is silent)
Did something happen to him?

					CYRIL
Well...

					ROXY
Oh, my word.  I didn't think...  
		(Starts to cry)
I have to be alone.

					CYRIL
No, wait, ROXY.
		(She's gone)

					KELLY
Did he...

					CYRIL
He's fine.  It's just that...

					KELLY
What?

					CYRIL
I don't know how to say this but...

					KELLY
I'm dying here, CYRIL.

					CYRIL
He found this native girl.

					KELLY
Oh, no.  I don't want to hear it.

					CYRIL
I didn't think so.

					KELLY
Poor ROXY.  

					CYRIL
I don't know what to tell her.
		(Sighs)
It might be better to let her think he's dead.

					KELLY
You can't do that.  That isn't fair.  

					CYRIL
I guess not.

					KELLY
Then she'll never get over him.

					CYRIL
Why does that matter?

					KELLY
CYRIL, I know all about the letters.

					CYRIL
What do you mean?

					KELLY
I know you wrote those letters to her.  

					CYRIL
Don't be silly.

					KELLY
Chris doesn't have it in him.  You have to tell her.
		(ROXY enters)

					ROXY
Tell me what?

					CYRIL
		(After a long pause)
Chris isn't dead, ROXY.

					ROXY
He isn't?  Was he hurt badly though?

					CYRIL
No, he's fine.

					KELLY
But he might wish he weren't.

					ROXY
Huh?

					CYRIL
Chris met this native girl.  And well they really hit it off.  They don't understand a word the other one is saying but...

					ROXY
I get the picture.

					CYRIL
I'm sorry, ROXY.

					ROXY
But he wrote all those letters.

					KELLY
No, he didn't.

					CYRIL
Kelly!

					ROXY
What?

					KELLY
CYRIL has something to tell you.

					CYRIL
Thanks a lot.

					KELLY
It's the least I could do.
		(She exits)

					ROXY
CYRIL?  Are you the one who...

					CYRIL
		(Reciting from one of his letters)
I have touched a star and will never let her go.

					ROXY
It was as plain as the nose on my face.  I can't believe I didn't see it before.

					CYRIL
And my nose is hard to miss.

					ROXY
But that night.  The balcony.  Was that you who spoke?

					CYRIL
		(Pause)
It was.

					ROXY
Why?

					CYRIL
I knew my words would move you, but I needed Chris's face for you to love me.

					ROXY
Poor CYRIL.

					CYRIL
Yes, that's me.  Poor CYRIL.  Full of sound and fury!  But I will never be the one who will have the kiss.
		(Silence.  ROXY goes to him.  Kisses him.  After 
		a moment they break apart.  CYRIL touches his nose 
		and turns away)
See I am still a toad.  No, beautiful prince for you.

					ROXY
You are more beautiful than you know.

					CYRIL
Now you speak kind words and I... I am at a loss.

					ROXY
Then there is only one thing to do.

					CYRIL
Which is?
		(They kiss.  Lights fade to black)

END OF PLAY