So Hating This Job

“So Hating This Job”

Before performing this script, you must first request permission at pocolocoplayers@yahoo.com or http://www.oocities.org/pocolocoplayers/request.html The script may be printed and copied for free. If you decide to perform the play and charge admission, the requirements are below: 1. All programs, posters, etc. should have the author's name (D. M. Bocaz-Larson) and something that tells about the Freedrama.com website such as "Produced by special arrangement with www.freedrama.com". When you complete the production, mail a copy of the program to the royalty address listed below. 2. There is a $20 royalty for using the play for up to two performances. If you perform the play three or more times, the royalty is just $10 per performance. The royalty payment must be sent via http://www.paypal.com. Or you may send a check to: D. M. Bocaz-Larson, 1721 Encino Ave., Grants, NM 87020. Please no purchase orders. NOTE: The play may not be reproduced or published in any form without written permission from the author. Thank you for selecting my script. I hope you enjoy it. Sincerely, D. M. Bocaz-Larson

NOTES

This play is still under construction but I’ve posted it on my www.freedrama.com website in order to get feedback. This play has adult situations and isn’t appropriate for children.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

NELL – former art film student who has to get a job at her cousin ANNE’s tv studio

ANNE – Owns local access tv station. Wears furs and combat boots

BUCK – Worker at studio who thinks he is God’s gift to the ladies.

TY - Worker at studio who wants to be an actress

MINNY - Navajo lady who sells her crafts to NELL

JOE - An angry visitor to the studio

CHUCK – your lights/sound person (no lines)

ANNOUNCER – (prerecorded – can be done by ANNE, BUCK or TY)

CALLER – (done live by ANNE or MINNY if actress can do different voices or by another actress)

(Stage set has appearance of old commercial trailer with all kinds of old electronics-stereos, tv monitors, tape players, vcrs, etc. Wires hang from the ceiling, some connected, some old and cut. Poster hangs with station call letters KOCK and channel 13 Fighting chicken as a symbol. One desk – TY’s has sexy guy pictures / Another desk on the other side of the stage has BUCK’s pictures of sexy women - all pictures big enough to get the idea but not large or graphic enough to be a distraction during the play.

Stuffed animal chickens, roosters and pictures of similar creatures are around studio)

(In darkness, have TV station sign on message…)

ANNOUNCER

(Recorded)

“Kock-a-doodle-doo to our hometown. Welcome to another day of your favorite local television station where we give you more cluck for your advertising buck. Now let’s rock your day with K-OCK.”

(K-OCK is said kay-ock)

SCENE 1

(ANNE enters with NELL)

ANNE

Here it is.

NELL

I sure wish it was April 1.

ANNE

What’s the matter?

NELL

Well, you promised me the program director job at one of your television studios.

ANNE

Uh-huh.

NELL

You have the most popular local channel in Northern New Mexico.

ANNE

Uh-huh.

NELL

And a cable channel that is broadcast regionally.

ANNE

Two actually.

NELL

And what is this?

ANNE

I call it raw potential.

NELL

This is so raw I’m getting e-coli.

ANNE

I thought you were a woman of vision.

NELL

Now I wish I was blind. Just look at this place. What happened to it?

ANNE

Nothing. That’s the problem. This is why it is the perfect entry-level job for you.

NELL

But isn’t program director not usually considered entry level? I mean with my experience I was hoping for something a little less… hopeless.

ANNE

I’m afraid television is a lot different ball game than independent art films. People actually like to watch what we produce.

NELL

Hey, one of my films won an award.

ANNE

But how many people besides the judges have seen it?

NELL

A few…

(ANNE gives her a look)

More than 10.

ANNE

I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel like I’m giving you the booby prize. This is a great place to realize one’s potential. This is where I started, you know.

NELL

Really?

ANNE

This very studio. It was the New Mexico cock fighting station when I started.

NELL

You’ve got to be kidding. Well, that explains the call letters.

ANNE

We refer to this station as K-OCK.

(said kay-ock)

We can’t get the usual pronunciation past the censors.

NELL

Please tell me this isn’t the cock fighting channel anymore…

ANNE

It’s not the cock fighting channel.

NELL

(pause)

And please tell me it has nothing to do with anything else by the same name.

ANNE

You wish…

NELL

It’s never been my dream to run a porn studio.

ANNE

I wonder why it hasn’t been mine… Oh, well.

NELL

Please tell me you don’t want this to be a porn channel.

ANNE

As tempting as that sounds, no.

BUCK

(Enters with box of tapes)

But we’ve got all these great audition tapes.

(BUCK wears sunglasses all the times, even indoors and thinks he’s hot stuff)

ANNE

I thought I told you to throw those away.

BUCK

Hey, these people believe in the artistic vision that is behind their films.

ANNE

I’ll agree that there is a lot of behind… but I seriously doubt there is much art involved in those.

BUCK

So who is this lovely lady?

ANNE

This would be Nell. She’s a cousin of mine from Santa Fe.

BUCK

Yow, I’d bet you’d be great in one of these little films.

ANNE

Back off, Buck. She’s your new boss.

BUCK

Hey, I was just kidding there about the film thing. Just a little office humor.

NELL

I think we could use a little less of that kind of humor from now on.

BUCK

Sure, sure. Totally. It’s about time we had some office etiquette around this studio.

(Aside to NELL)

I’ve been telling your cousin that for years, but does she listen.

(Picks up box)

I’ll just be taking these out to my truck and I’ll run them right to the dump.

(Exits)

ANNE

I’ll bet they’ll be going to the dump called his home.

NELL

What’s the deal with the audition tapes?

ANNE

Either people think this is some amateur porn cable channel or Buck has been spreading the rumor that it is.

NELL

Oh, please can I fire him. I’ve always wanted to fire someone and he so needs to be fired.

ANNE

Now, now. You’re first lesson as management is politics. You have to know who should and shouldn’t be fired and for what reason.

NELL

Don’t tell me. Buck is related to someone…

ANNE

Someone very important and he considered this a close person favor to employ him.

NELL

I’m already hating this job…

ANNE

Oh, come on. There are some perks.

NELL

Name one.

(Pause. MINNY, a Navajo lady, enters with tray of jewelry)

ANNE

Like the local vendors.

NELL

Look at this…

(Looks happily at something on MINNY’s tray)

ANNE

This is Minny. She comes around selling her jewelry all the time. It’s all totally authentic. She and her family make it all themselves.

NELL

Look at these prices! This is amazing. This would cost way more in Santa Fe. Oh, wow. I’ve always wanted one of these. I’ll take it.

ANNE

Allow me.

(Pays for it and MINNY stuffs money in her blouse and leaves)

NELL

You didn’t have to do that.

ANNE

That was your perk. Don’t get used to it.

NELL

This almost makes up for Buck.

(Give ANNE a frown)

Almost…

ANNE

I wish I could say Buck doesn’t make good first impressions but I’m afraid it doesn’t get any better than that.

NELL

Please tell me that Buck isn’t my only employee.

ANNE

You’ve got two more. One is right over there.

(Points out to audience)

NELL

Where?

ANNE

Behind the camera… Hey, Chuck!

NELL

Oh, my god. It’s alive.

ANNE

What did you think that was?

NELL

I don’t know… a bunch of machinery, a robot… but I didn’t think it was human.

ANNE

Well, we use the term human loosely. He’s a great cameraman though. Never misses a day.

NELL

It looks like he never goes home.

ANNE

That would explain it. Here, let’s show you about the camera direction in the studio.

NELL

Now? I should get something to take notes on.

ANNE

Naw, it’s easy. All you need to do is remember two things. “Chuck, camera on.” And we’re live.

(LIVE sign lights up on wall)

And “Chuck, camera off.” And we’re back to taped programming

(LIVE sign goes off).

Camera on.

(LIVE sign goes one).

Camera off.

(LIVE sign goes off).

NELL

Didn’t everyone watching just see that?

ANNE

Chances are no one saw it.

(Phone rings)

Except maybe one person.

(Picks up phone).

K-OCK. Anne speaking.

(Pause)

Well, if you don’t like it, Joe, then change the channel.

(Pause)

Well, it’s not my fault that this is the only channel you can get. Maybe you should try upgrading to one of them new color tvs with one of them antennas on them.

(Pause)

I’m sorry but a coathanger and aluminum foil ain’t the best thing for reception these days.

(Hangs up)

NELL

So you’re saying we only have one viewer and it’s because he has to watch this channel?

ANNE

We get other viewers occasionally but I think it is purely accidental.

NELL

Hating this job more now…

ANNE

Look, here’s the bottom line. I need to keep this studio on the air to keep the license and I need to keep the license because this studio is a tax write off. So the good news it doesn’t matter what you run on the air as long as you stay on the air.

NELL

Really hating this job…

ANNE

This is great experience for you, Nell. And if you do well, there is the possibility for advancement. You can’t expect me to hand you a high-ranking position at an established station. It was a lot of work to get where I am now.

NELL

Your brother said you slept your way to the top.

ANNE

And that was a lot of work.

NELL

So what kind of programming is this station running now?

ANNE: Buck and Ty can fill you in. I better go. I have a meeting.

NELL: Ty?

ANNE

She’s your other employee. She’s young but enthusiastic. There’s a lot of untapped potential there.

(Looks at watch)

I better go. You know where to reach me if you need anything.

(Exits)

NELL

(Goes to a desk to get paper and pencil)

I’m not sure I do know where to reach you… let me get something to write your number on… Okay, shoot.

(Turns and realizes ANNE is gone)

So hating this job.

(Looks through stacks of video tapes and the fall down)

(Enters)

Hey, there, boss. Ms. Anne said I’d find you in here. Whatever you need, boss. I’m your gal. Whenever you got a question, ask away, I’m here to make your day.

NELL

You can call me, Nell.

Sure thing, Ms. Nell. And my name is Ty.

NELL

Ty?

Like tie me up… although I think that’s spelled different.

NELL

Nice to meet you, Ty. I guess we better get down to work.

And I’m ready. I’ve been waiting for Ms. Anne to get somebody in here who knows what they’re doing.

(MINNY enters with kachinas)

Oh, hey, Ms. Nell, have you seen Minny’s stuff yet?

NELL

I saw her jewelry before, but not her kachinas.

(NELL goes to MINNY)

These are amazing.

You think they look good now. Look at the prices.

NELL

Oh, I’ve got to buy one of these.

(Gets cash from her purse)

I love your stuff, Minny. It’s like the best around. Nobody makes these things as nice as you.

NELL

Thank you.

(MINNY stuffs money in her shirt and exits)

You got a steal on that one.

NELL

We’ve really got to get down to work now.

Totally. You said it, boss. Where do you want to start?

NELL

With the programming? What are you guys showing?

Reruns mostly… in fact, I can’t think of the last time we had something on that’s new. Well, besides the public announcements. We run lots of those for things going on around town. Like the annual senior sock hop… I’m not sure how they can have a sock hop with most of them in wheel chairs and walkers. And they do it at the high school gym. At least pick a place with carpet. They’s gotta be slippin all over the place. (Acts like an old person with unsteady legs with socks slipping on a slick floor)

NELL

Reruns, huh? Of which shows?

I don’t know really. I do the ads. Buck handles the shows…

NELL

Oh, great.

He’s only been doing it since we lost our last boss left.

NELL

What happened to the last one?

She and Ms. Anne had some creative differences.

NELL

I thought Anne said I could do almost anything.

Well, she and Buck got a little too friendly in the studio and it must have woke up Chuck and he accidentally turned on the camera…

NELL

Oh, dear. So that’s why all those audition tapes are coming in.

At least Buck kept his clothes on.

NELL

I find that hard to believe.

It wasn’t his fault. I know he comes across that way, but he’s really a sweet guy. Sure he gets friendly but he’s just kidding around. Sometimes women take it wrong though and get friendly back, but that’s not what Buck really wants.

NELL It’s not?

No, he real different one on one. He gets all cocky in front of a bunch of people, but when it’s just you and him, he’ll sit there and listen real good. I mean how many guys do you know will want to sit there and listen to you gab.

NELL

Not many.

See and he will. And he really cares too. He don’t just pretend to listen. He hears you and has the best things to say. He seems to always know what you need to hear.

NELL

Are you sure we’re talking about the same guy?

Give him a chance. You’ll see.

NELL

I wish I could but I don’t have time. We’ve got to get this station whipped into shape and he needs to know I’m the boss. He’s got to give 110% or this isn’t going to work.

110%? That some kind of new math?

NELL

No, it’s just a really bad saying that I can’t believe I just used. Oh, man. I’m turning into an administrator.

(One of the machines makes a horrible sound)

What is that?

Oh, those things are always acting up.

(TY smacks the machine and it quiets down)

NELL

(Looks at it and goes behind)

]These things are in horrible shape. Oh, man. This is a major fire hazard.

(Lowers self behind equipment)

I’m going in.

(Pops up)

If I don’t return, please tell my mother I love her.

(Lowers herself)

I sure hope we have insurance in case I’m electrocuted.

I think there’s something in our contracts about that.

NELL

(Pops up)

Insurance? Great.

No, I think we had to sign a waiver to work in a hazardous environment. That means we can’t sue them if something happens.

NELL

Lovely. Really hating this job so bad.

(Lowers herself behind the equipment. BUCK enters)

BUCK

Hey, there kiddo. You miss the old Buckster?

Like a tick misses a bloodhound.

BUCK

(Goes up close to TY and smiles big)

How’s Ty doing today?

(Getting shy)

Fine.

BUCK

Just fine. Better now that old Buck is here?

(Electrical sounds and flash a smoke where NELL is working [flash paper can be used])

NELL

(Rises)

That can’t be good.

Hey, Buck. The boss lady needs to see you.

BUCK

Can’t be a moment without the Buckster either huh?

NELL

Let’s get something straight now, Buck…

BUCK

Whoa, there, boss lady. I’m detecting a little negative energy there…

NELL

I’m not sure what your deal is but…

BUCK

Hey, I was kidding around. I didn’t mean nothing by it. That’s just my way.

NELL

It’s not mine and now that I’m in charge…

BUCK

Don’t say another word. Point taken. I will turn down the Rogers Raygun from heavy to light stun. And don’t worry. I never set for kill.

NELL

Overkill maybe.

BUCK

So what did you need the old Buckster for?

Ms. Nell needs to know what shows you’ve been running.

BUCK

Right down to business. I like that in a boss. What programs are we running?

(Gets schedule from desk)

We devote so much time to local events. The big station gets the good stuff but we get things like the quilting bee, the spelling bee, the honey bee...

(Smiles)

Kidding on that last one.

(NELL rolls her eyes)

We run local programming that nobody else wants… Oh, and we have the two favorites…

We still running those?

BUCK

Of course. We wouldn’t be K-OCK without them.

The last program director tried to dump them…

BUCK

But they are back by popular demand.

NELL

And what are these shows we can’t live without?

Let me guess… The Chicken Champ of Chimayo?

BUCK

Got it.

And… it has to be the city council meeting on the cock fighting ban.

BUCK

Of course.

NELL

Why would anyone want to watch a city council meeting over and over?

It’s all to see old man Martinez.

(BUCK grabs a chair and sits and pretends to be a really old man)

He’s too funny. I mean every time Mrs. Millcheck talks about passing a ban on cock fighting he stands up and yells…

BUCK

(as old man Martinez)

Cock lover!

It’s too funny.

NELL

I suppose I’ve got to watch them.

They are the cornerstones of our schedule.

NELL

Where’s the tape?

(BUCK gets it for her)

BUCK

Here’s a copy of the city council meeting.

NELL

And the other one?

BUCK

Who needs a tape when we can act it out for you?

NELL: Act it out?

We’ve seen it a million times. We know it by heart.

BUCK

Prepare yourself for the Chicken Champ of Chimayo.

Okay. Take a seat, Ms. Nell. This is a good one.

(There could be stuffed animal roosters and cut outs around the studio TY and BUCK could use to act it out or silly hats or even rubber chickens)

BUCK

It was a dark day in the dusty street in some desperado town. The ancient arena rose like the aurora borealis only appearing briefly in the twilight tucked away somewhere so only the faithful knew where. Cock fighting struggled to stay alive in a day when people no longer used animals for sport. But the tradition was strong and the followers devout. They knew that as long as one rooster lived, there would be no end of this tradition. Yes, one cock stood above them all. It was Chantecler, the mighty. All challengers were ripped to threads when they entered his arena. The crowd worked into an otherworldly frenzy… entranced by the blood of the weak.

Then one night when the air was cold and the faithful few, came a little old lady and her little chicken. It was the scrawniest, sorriest looking thing you’d ever seen. When the old lady stood opposite Chantecler and held her little hen, people readied themselves for a quick KO. Everyone knew it would be over before it started. Even Chantecler looked bored. But what no one knew was that this chicken had one thing different about it than any before. It had been raised on the soil of Chimayo, scratching for a lifetime in the miracle mud for a tiny bit of magic. A magic that would transform them all.

BUCK

The little lady set her hen in the arena and Chantecler was released. But Chanteclair paused, puzzled by this new opponent.

The hen pecked a few time and then walked up to the big rooster still splashed with the blood of his last fight.

BUCK

Could it be? Did Chantecler step away? No, we must be seeing things.

The hen moved closer.

BUCK

Chantecler looked unsure.

The hen gave Chantecler a gentle peck, almost a kiss.

BUCK

And Chantecler fell at her feet.

There was a gasp when someone realized what had happened.

BUCK

Was Chantecler dead?

Then the chicken let out a mighty cluck and an egg popped from her butt and rolled over to Chantecler’s side. The old lady picked up her hen and then the egg… someone swore the egg shone gold in the fading sunlight.

BUCK

And the faithful faded too for mighty Chantecler was dead.

NELL

And you’ve got all this on tape?

BUCK

More or less. Pretty amazing huh?

So what do you think?

NELL

I think I need to give you two your own show.

Are you serious?

NELL

Maybe… I’m not sure what I’m impressed more by. The story or your telling of it.

That would be so cool. The Ty and Buck show.

BUCK

The Buck and Ty show.

Whatever. That would be so great. That’s what I’ve always wanted really. To be an actress.

BUCK

I keep trying to get you in one of my films…

I don’t want to be in one of “those” movies.

BUCK

Your loss. Hey, could I play some of my songs?

NELL

Your songs? Ones you’ve written?

BUCK

It’s my dream to go to Nashville. Can you see me up there on stage, big cowboy hat, snakeskin boots and tight blue jeans? Yow!

NELL

I’ll pay for the bus ticket but you’ve got to go now.

Play her some of your songs, Buck.

(To NELL)

They’re great.

BUCK

Okay, let me get my gee-tar.

NELL

I don’t know. We really have to get down to work.

This is work. He could be our next big hit show.

NELL

Or we could just hit him with something.

BUCK

This is what they call Cowboy Poetry. It’s real popular where I come from.

(Sits with guitar)

Okay, here goes. Give me some room.

(Plucks guitar. Sings badly)

I went a walkin'.

(Pluck)

I walked real far.

(Pluck)

I found a man talkin'

(Pluck)

About his new car.

(Stops)

That's all I thought up so far.

NELL

Are you sure you're doing that right?

Huh? I wonder why them cowboy poets are so popular.

BUCK

(Pluck)

I went a walkin'

(Pluck)

I walked real far...

NELL

Can we do something else now?

No, wait. Buck, play her one of your songs.

BUCK

Okay, how about…

(plays)

“Gimmie a beer, dear. Gimmie a beer. Gimmie a beer, dear. Gimmie a beer.” What you think?

NELL

Is that all there is to it?

See, that’s the great thing about songs, is that they just repeat over and over. Come up with a couple of good lines and then you just change the infection.

NELL

Infection?

BUCK

Like this... “Gimmie a beer, DEARRR. Gimmie a beer. GIMMIEEEE a BEEEER, dear. Gimmie AAAA beer.” Ain’t that cool?

NELL

Maybe you should stick with the cowboy poetry.

BUCK

I don’t know. I got stuck trying to do all that rhyming. I couldn’t figure out anything that rhymed with Jack Daniels?

(Thinks)

How about love handles?

BUCK

I like it. Come here, baby and let me sample some of them love handles… while we sip on a few bottles of Jack Daniels.

NELL

I don’t think so.

BUCK

Wait. I got one more.

NELL

Please say it isn’t so.

BUCK

I call it Cowboy-ronic.

Cowboy-ronic?

BUCK

It’s a satire of that Atlantis Chiapet song.

NELL

Wow, satire. I’m impressed. That’s a complicated form of music.

BUCK

And it’s country style…

(BUCK maybe uses bongo drums instead of guitar?)

NELL

Oh, dear.

Play it.

BUCK

It’s like rain on a cattle drive. It’s a free steak but it’s your ma’s bbq. It’s a cowpie on your brand new boot. Who woulda thunk, it figgers…

That’s great, Buck.

BUCK

There more.

NELL

Oh, joy.

BUCK

It’s a pretty gal who ain’t a gal at all. It’s a wall flower who smells real bad. You’ve been at sea so long you like to drop the soap. Who would thunk, it figgers… It’s cowboy-ronic, don’t you think? It’s a little tooooooooo… (JJ hangs on to note and dog howls in distance) …cowboy-ronic. I really do think.

Sing it, boy!

BUCK

(Sings again)

You buy a nice hat, that won’t fit your head. You wake up hungover and with somebody’s sheep…

NELL

That’s enough, Buck. Thanks.

BUCK

(Pulls up shirt)

I can even sing a duet with my belly button. Wanna hear it?

NELL

No, I think I’ve seen enough of you for one day.

BUCK

So you like my music?

NELL

I must admit I’ve never heard anything like it.

BUCK

So you’ll use it?

I know everyone around here would love it.

NELL

I’ll have to see how it will fit into the new schedule.

BUCK

I’ll take that as a yes. I’ve got to go home and tell everyone. They’ll be so excited. They’ve been trying to get me to play my songs somewhere else. “Go play somewhere else” and now I’m gonna do it.

(Starts to go)

Hey! It’s your turn to go by the post office.

BUCK

That’s one chore I don’t mind lately. You never know what goodies they got for us.

Hoping for another porn audition tape?

BUCK

Hey, this station gets other mail that interests me.

Like what?

BUCK

Let me get back to you on that one. See you ladies… Stay single, chicky-boos.

(Exits)

NELL

Did he just call me a chicky-boo?

Isn’t it cute? He’s got all kinds of pet names for us girl.

NELL

I’ve got some cute ones for him too but they all involve rodents.

(MINNY enters with tray with brick on it and some rocks)

Hey, Nell. Minny’s got some new stuff. I haven’t seen any of this before.

NELL

(picks up brick)

This looks like a brick.

Look, it says something on the bottom.

NELL

“Brick from the ancient ruin of Tippyleany.”

And it’s got the artist’s signature.

NELL

This is so cool. I have a friend who is an amateur archeologist. She’d love this. I’ll take it.

(pays MINNY who stuffs money in shirt and goes)

Wow, you’re so lucky. I’ve never seen her sell anything like that before.

NELL

Now this is something you can’t even find in Santa Fe.

Were you serious about Buck and I doing a show?

NELL

I like your enthusiasm and I do want some new programming. I’m not sure about those songs though.

I’ll bet people will watch to see Buck make a fool out of himself.

NELL

Good point. Buck’s music show is in.

(Writes and then looks at TY)

What about you? What do you want to try out?

It’s always been my dream to be on TV but now that I’ve got a show, I’m going blank.

NELL

You must have something you’ve done before, some kind of routine. Even some character you’ve been for Halloween…

Oh… yeah…. I was one of them psychic card reading ladies one Halloween. Everybody loved it.

NELL

That would be great. We could have people call in and you could do readings.

My friends would love that. They still bug me for readings. Now if I can find my book that goes with the cards, I’ll be in business.

NELL

Do you still have your costume?

I do.

NELL

Excellent.

(Writes)

Buck’s music, your card readings…

(Sighs)

That only leaves 23 hours of programming to fill.

I’ll fire up the reruns.

NELL

No, there must be something else new we could do in a hurry…

How about a talent show?

NELL

A talent show? On TV?

People here are always throwing together little talent shows. No one can commit to a major production of any kind so they throw these little “come as you are” talent shows with no practice or anything.

NELL

That’s perfect. Let’s do it.

I’ll run some ads now.

NELL

We’ll start as early as 9am and you and Buck can fill in any dead times.

What if there are a lot of dead times?

NELL

It should be fine. People love being on TV. I’ll bet they’ll be beating down the door.

END OF SCENE 1

SCENE 2

NELL

(Recorded intro in darkness)

The new K-OCK. K - The station that represents Kindness. O – Always thinking of Others. C- Reaching out to our Community. K- The new station that is King.

NELL

(Looks to door)

Where is everyone? I thought people would love to be on TV.

BUCK

Does that mean I’m on again?

NELL

I think Ty is about ready. Let’s give her a shot.

(ANNE walks in)

BUCK

Remember. I’m ready and willing.

ANNE

Well, well. This is a turn around between you and Buck. Fast friends already?

NELL

That’s not what he meant.

ANNE

Don’t be so sure. I saw how he looked at you.

NELL

Please. It’s too early for that.

ANNE

What’s with you?

NELL

Mocha latte. I need a mocha latte.

ANNE

I think the gas station up the street has one of those cappuccino machines.

NELL

No more cheap-a-chino. Must have espresso.

ANNE

So besides the caffeine withdrawal, how are things going?

NELL

Well, I’ve complete scrapped the old format and have been running some new material since yesterday.

ANNE

New material huh?

NELL

Mostly all the short films I’ve made. I thought this community needed a little exposure to cutting edge filmmaking.

ANNE

Please don’t tell me you ran the one about the exploding breasts.

NELL

Only after midnight.

ANNE

You really pulled all the stops.

NELL

Hey, that’s a good film. I don’t think anyone has tackled the topic of breast feeding in such a dramatic way.

ANNE

And no one ever will again.

NELL

I’d really like to know how people are responding to my new format.

(Brick comes crashing through a window – window can be off stage with breaking glass sound effect and brick lands on stage)

ANNE

Oh, look. Fan mail.

NELL

(gets brick)

No, this is just a little hello from the day care next door.

(Throws brick back)

Dang it. Missed again.

ANNE

Ah, yes. Lord of the Flies daycare. I keep meaning to call someone about them.

NELL

Lord of the Flies daycare. That’s so fitting.

(Looks and sees something happen)

Run Piggy!

(Turns to ANNE)

Look at that. Why do they always pick on the fat kid?

ANNE

Looks like fatty stole their lunches.

NELL

Oh, now he’s sitting on one of them. I think this Piggy ain’t gonna suffer.

ANNE

So what’s on your new schedule?

NELL

Well, Buck wants to do a music hour.

ANNE

No more than a half hour please. Maybe even a music minute. I like the sound of that. The music minute. When you hear his music, you’ll agree.

NELL

I’ve heard it…

ANNE

Just don’t let him give you a private concert. And don’t let him do the Buck-skin revue. It’s not a pretty sight.

NELL

(Laughs)

No danger of me letting that happen.

BUCK

(Enters)

It’s about time for that community talent show thing. You want me to do the intro?

NELL

Uh, no. I can do it.

ANNE

Good luck.

NELL

I wish I had better feeling about this.

ANNE

It’ll be fine. And if it’s not… it’s be fine too. See, no pressure. No worries.

NELL

(Still not convinced)

Thanks.

(ANNE leaves)

BUCK

See, isn’t this job great? You can a total idiot and it doesn’t matter.

NELL

What I’m worried about is that this is where the idiots end up.

BUCK

You really need to get a new attitude. Life is all how you look at it. Is happy hour half over or do you have a half hour more of cheap beer?

NELL

Oh, how you inspire me, Buck.

BUCK

Well, you inspire me too baby…

NELL

Chuck, are we ready?

(Looks)

Was that a nod?

BUCK

I think so.

NELL

We’re live in 5, 4, 3, 2…

(points at Chuck. Nothing. Sighs)

Camera on, Chuck.

(LIVE sign goes on)

Welcome viewers to our first television talent show. We here at the studio believe you have what it takes to be a star. So come down to the studio and show us that special talent you’ve been dying to share with everyone…

(Enters)

Someone’s coming.

NELL

It looks like our first star is here to be discovered. Let’s meet this new undiscovered talent now.

(MINNY enters and a spotlight shines on her)

NELL

(Nervous)

Uh, Minny. Are you here to be on TV?

(MINNY shrugs and holds up a bag of nuts)

BUCK

Hey, looks. She’s got my nuts.

NELL

Buck…

BUCK

What? Oh, hee hee. That sounded bad, didn’t it?

(Pulls out wallet and buys a bad from MINNY)

You’ve got to try these, boss lady.

They’re pinon nuts. You can only harvest them every so many years.

(Buys a bag from MINNY)

NELL

People… we’re live.

You’ve got to try these. Pretend like this is a cooking show or something.

NELL

So our first talent is… cooking?

(Takes one from TY)

But these aren’t cooked?

Work with me, Nell.

(To the camera, like in a commercial)

Try it… you’ll like it.

NELL

How do I get it open? It’s so tiny.

(Demonstrates)

Bite it open.

NELL

(Bites open shell and then tries nut)

Hey, this is pretty good.

(Into interview mode)

So Minny, do you grow these yourself?

No, they grow on bushes in the wild.

NELL

Wow, you have to literally go beat the bushes for these.

(Eats another)

Well, the easiest way is to go and dig up rat middens…

NELL

(Gags and spits out nuts)

What? You mean she dugs these out of rats’ nests?

No, I said that was the easiest way. Minny does it the hard way, which is picking them by hand, that way you get quality nuts.

BUCK

And Ty only wants the best nuts…

Oh, Buck. You’re the nut.

NELL

(Still gagging)

Go… to commercial.

(MINNY exits before she gets into trouble)

BUCK

Camera off, Chuck.

(LIVE sign goes off and BUCK hits a button on the equipment)

Seems like we were just doing a commercial…

NELL

For what? Public health? Uh… rats’ nests…

I said Minny doesn’t do that.

NELL

It doesn’t matter. It’s just the idea.

(Looks at watch and BUCK goes to door)

Who do we have next?

Unless someone drove up in the last few minutes…

(BUCK shakes his head no)

…then we’ve got nothing.

NELL

What about you guys? You have something? Judging by your outfit…

TY
I do.

(BUCK helps set up TY’s stuff)

NELL

Let’s do it, then.

I got this book on fortune telling and mind reading. I just use these cards here…

NELL

Fine, fine. Get set up. We go live any minute.

BUCK

Just about ready…

NELL

Camera on, Chuck.

(As a fortuneteller maybe with an Eastern European accent)

Welcome to Psychic chat where will tap into the spiritual realm to discover the secrets of the future!

(BUCK does a gong or something and it scares NELL)

Now who will be the first to have their fortune read for them on live TV?

(Looking at her book’s table of contents)

Tap into the future… learn about your past lives… Discover a secret love… or dig up dirt on your enemies.

BUCK

Oh, yeah. The Enemies Psychic Network.

(Puts on headphones to hear callers)

NELL

Shhh…

The cards do not lie…

(BUCK does the gong again and scares NELL)

NELL

Stop that.

Now if we actually get a caller…

(phone rings. They all pause a moment shocked)

BUCK

The phone is ringing?

NELL

The phone is ringing!

That means someone is actually watching.

(She gets a little scared)

NELL

Answer it. Buck, put the caller on the speakers.

(BUCK fiddles with the equipment)

You have reached Madame Mysterious… are you ready for your reading?

CALLER

Am I really on TV?

Yes, you have reached us live. Now… are you ready for your reading?

CALLER

Can I say hello to my mother? She’s in Chicago.

This is only local station. Now… are you…

CALLER

So my mother can’t see me now?

(Loses her accent)

Actually no one can see you now. We’re only hearing your voice.

CALLER

I didn’t think that was me standing next to you on the TV.

(Trying to get accent back)

No, that is Nell, my boss who is trying to get me to start my reading… may we begin?

CALLER

I’m sure glad that ain’t me cause I was thinking I sure hope I ain’t getting that fat.

NELL

Hey!

Please… everyone. I’m losing my concentration.

(Gets up and pushes NELL aside)

I must have absolute silence as I perform the reading.

CALLER

But…

TY
Absolute…

CALLER

I…

Silence…

(Pause for a moment in the silence)

Good.

(Starts sorting cards)

Very interesting.

CALLER

What? What is it? What do you see?

It appears…

(Peeks in book)

That you may have an enemy…

CALLER

I do? Who?

(Puts out more cards)

Someone close.

(Peeks in book)

In your own home perhaps.

CALLER

Oh, my gosh golly.

Someone who is no longer devoted.

(Puts down one last card)

You are now last where once you were first.

CALLER

You mean…

Yes…

CALLER

(Gets really angry)

I can’t believe it. That dirty son of a…

NELL

(Cuts off CALLER)

That’s all the time we have for now. Thanks for your call. Camera off, Chuck.

BUCK

And commercial is rolling.

So, what do you think?

NELL

Not bad.

(Goes to door)

Sure got her all worked up.

BUCK

Sounds like someone at home is in trouble. Gettin a little smackin…

Oh, be serious. I’m sure she isn’t that upset.

BUCK

I heard her after we took her off live. Yow, she was cooking up some serious four letter verbs and somebody was getting it good.

NELL

(Looks out door)

There’s still nobody here.

(Looks at BUCK and sighs)

Okay, Buck. What you got for me today?

BUCK

Now I’ve been giving this a lot thought and I wanted to something real classy for you, boss lady. Cause I was watching your movies last night and I was like into it.

NELL

(Surprised)

You watched my movies.

BUCK

Most of them I think. They’re really cool. Especially that one love story about the Sumo and the midget lady. Isn’t he like worried he’ll sit on her?

NELL

Please tell me you’re not going to be a sumo wrestler on TV.

BUCK

Sorry, forgot my diaper.

NELL

Thank goodness.

BUCK

No, my thing is way cool. Have you heard of Banraku?

NELL

(Surprised)

Uh… well… yeah. Where’d you learn to do Banraku?

BUCK

I was once this manager at a Japanese sushi joint in Albuquerque…

Manager?

BUCK

Okay, so I was the dish washer… Just go get the stuff okay…

I’m going…

BUCK

While I was working there, it was just like living in Japan. I learned all things Japanese. Banraku, Karate…

NELL

They taught the dish washer Karate?

BUCK

It’s amazing how many Karate moves can be applied to dish washing…

(Does a little demo)

Here’s the stuff.

(Comes in with black cloths to put over themselves and two puppets – one is a samurai and the other is a Japanese girl in a pink super hero outfit and is a monster that is half machine and half lizard. AUTHOR NOTE: These puppets can be in the tradition of Banraku or something home made and funny looking. Banraku is a type of Japanese puppetry. You have the actors on stage in all black almost like a ninja and holding up the colorful puppets. Here are some online resources for Banraku http://www.asianinterstage.com/tonda/

http://www.wellesley.edu/Japanese/Events/tonda.html)

BUCK

(BUCK and TY cover themselves in black cloth but we can still see their faces)

Camera on, Chuck.

(LIVE sign goes on)

My show is called Screamy Youie Kicky Booty. It’s the story of Samurai Sam…

(Holds up Samurai puppet)

(Holds up pink Japanese hero girl puppet)

And Powder Puff Pam.

BUCK

When danger strikes we’re on the picket line…

(As SAM)

It was a cool summer night and I was only wearing my robes when a breeze blew in… And on that breeze was PowderPuff Pam…

TY/PAM

(Flies in)

I smell trouble Samurai Sam…

(Flies out)

BUCK/SAM

Little did she know that it was awkward Robe smell one has when laundry day was still a few days away, but I knew some other kind of stink was in the air. It was none other than TransIgwanIdon.

TY/MONSTER

(TY comes in with MONSTER)

I will crush you Samurai Sam.

BUCK/SAM

But nothing can stop Sam with his sword in hand. But wait. My sword is in the shop. How will I stop the scurge of Tokyo with nothing but a dirty robe?

TY/MONSTER

You won’t.

(TY stomps out Sam with fierce Japanese style monster sounds. BUCK takes TransIgwanIdon. TY exits)

BUCK/MONSTER

(Does evil MONSTER laugh)

Wa-ha-ha!

TY/PAM

(Flies in with PAM)

Hold it right there you mechanical menace.

BUCK/MONSTER

(Attacks)

Ahhh!

TY/PAM

(Fights back)

I call on the powers of my ancestors “Screamy” pow “Youie” thwack “Kicky” bam “Booty!”

(Monster falls and BUCK gets SAM)

Sam, Sam. Speak to me.

BUCK/SAM

You saved Tokyo, Pam but for me, you are too late.

(SAM dies dramatically)

TY/PAM

(SOBS)

No… Curse you TransIgwanIdon!

BUCK

Camera off, Chuck.

(LIVE sign goes off)

You look blown away, boss lady.

NELL

I’m speechless.

BUCK

That’s good. I believe they call that “awe struck”.

NELL

I was thinking of something with “awe” in it…

I still got on my fortuneteller costume. I better get out of these clothes.

BUCK

I’ll help.

(TY exits and NELL stops BUCK)

NELL

I don’t think she needs help, Buck.

BUCK

Then I’ll supervise.

(Starts to go and NELL stops him again)

NELL

Wait, Buck. We need something else… what other material do you have?

BUCK

There’s my famous Buck-skin review.

(Starts to remove his shirt)

NELL

(Stops him)

No, no, no.

BUCK

(Talks with belly button)

Come on, Nell. Don’t you wanna see me sing?

NELL

Can’t I get through a day without seeing your belly button?

BUCK

Not if it’s a good day, baby.

NELL

Please, go help Ty now.

BUCK

Okay.

(Exits quickly)

NELL

I need to be alone so I can cry now.

(MINNY enters with rolled up rugs)

I’m not sure I’m in the mood for shopping right now, Minny.

(MINNY starts to go. NELL gets annoyed and picks up brick)

Hey, Minny are you sure that brick you gave me is authentic? I’ve been looking at it and…

(MINNY unrolls a rug)

What’s this…

(Reads rug – saying for vary depending on rug used in play)

“If this trailer is a rockin, don’t come a knockin.” Don’t tell me you made this…

(MINNY turns rug around and there is writing on the back)

Based on ancient Navajo saying.

(Sighs)

You know, Minny. You’ve caught me at a bad time.

(MINNY pulls up a chair and motions NELL to talk to her)

Why do I do this to myself? I get all hopeful and it always ends up the same. I produce a great short art film, I even win an award, but no one really wants to watch it. I devoted the first years of my life to film and get nothing but debt. Then I go and get all hopeful again here too, but then once again, I have nothing. I can’t believe nobody wants to be on TV. I thought that was everybody’s dream.

(MINNY starts to drift off and eventually does fall asleep)

This is all a big waste of time. There’s no way I’m going anywhere from here. There’s no chance at discovery, no hope of advancement. I’ve tried to make it, for ten years this is all I have to show for it.. Finally I had to give in and ask my cousin for help and this is what I get. Program director of the worst television station in the world.

(MINNY snores and NELL smiles)

Sorry, Minny. (NELL touches her and MINNY wakes up) I’m sure that’s the last thing you wanted to hear. I’ll be happy to look at anything you’ve made but the rug is a bit of a stretch. Come back when you’ve got something else hand-made okay? Like a pot or something. The pots they make around here cost a fortune up in Santa Fe but I bet you could get me a good deal.

(MINNY smiles and pats NELL on the shoulder and exits)

ANNE

(Enters)

Did I leave my cell phone here? I was having such a nice quiet morning and then I realized I didn’t have my cell phone.

(Finds it on desk)

Maybe I should lose this thing more often. Dang, the battery is dead.

NELL

Here, you can borrow mine.

ANNE

Thanks. I’ll bring it back in a minute. I can’t get any reception in here.

JOE

(Enters. JOE is nervous. He blocks ANNE’s exit)

Where’s that mind reading lady I just saw on the TV?

ANNE

She’s out back in the outhouse.

(Tries to go)

Can I get by please?

JOE

(Won’t move from doorway)

I want to see her now!

NELL

Is there a problem?

JOE

There’s going to be if I don’t see her now.

(Pulls out gun)

NELL

He’s got a gun!

ANNE

Hey, now. I’m sure this is all a misunderstanding. Nell her will be happy to discuss this with you and work things out. I’m late for a meeting.

NELL

Anne!

JOE

Aren’t you the owner of this place?

ANNE

Owner is such a crude term that doesn’t accurately encompass my duties…

JOE

Say what?

ANNE

Is it a programming concern? Are you upset about something you say on K-OCK?

JOE

You bet your bootie I’m mad about what you’re showing…

ANNE

Then you should take this up with our Program Director here…

NELL

Thanks a lot, Anne… so hating this job.

JOE

You the one that put on that mind reading show?

NELL

In a way…

JOE

Don’t you think about what you’re putting on the TV? Don’t you realize what it can do to people?

NELL

I’m not sure what you mean.

ANNE

You two seem to be handing this well. I better get going to my meeting.

JOE

Sit down!

ANNE

Perhaps I could reschedule… let me give them a call…

JOE

(Grabs phone)

Give me that…

ANNE

Careful with that. I just bought it. It’s got a video camera and a state of the art gps system…

JOE

(Breaks it or stomps on it)

Now it’s crap.

ANNE

Hey!

(Feels phone in pocket)

Oh, wait. That wasn’t my phone. It must have been yours, Nell. Thank God. I was going get really upset at you.

NELL

I would be more upset but mine was crap before you stepped on it.

JOE

No phones. I don’t want you calling the cops. I want this to stay nice and quiet.

(LIVE sign turns on)

ANNE

Nothing to worry about with my phone. The battery is dead.

NELL

So what do you want with Ty?

Who wants what with me?

BUCK

And can I join in too?

NELL

Look out, Ty!

JOE

(Waves gun at TY and BUCK and then back at NELL)

There she is.

BUCK

Whoa, man.

What’s going on?

JOE

You that one who did the mind reading on TV?

(Pause and everyone looks at each other for an idea)

BUCK

You have a twin sister, don’t you, Ty? Yeah… uh…

NELL

(At same time as ANNE)

Beth.

ANNE

Joan.

JOE

Cut the crap. I know it’s you.

So what did I do?

JOE

I want… I want you to…

(Frustrated, unsure how to verbalize)

BUCK

Tell you what. Why don’t you go to the bar up the street, have a few beers, think this through and come back when you got it all worked out…

ANNE

Yes, it’s really best when you’re going to threaten someone to have all thought out.

JOE
Maybe you’re right…

(Everyone gives ANNE a look of amazement like she’s just saved them)

I saw what this girl said on the TV and I kind of snapped…

BUCK

Kind of?

(TY hits BUCK)

NELL

What did she say that was so upsetting?

JOE

That one lady that called in. That was my wife.

Oh, golly. I’m starting to see now…

JOE

No more of your visions… that’s what got me in trouble.

No visions. I promise. Just putting two and two together.

BUCK

I’m still only at three. What she say that was so bad?

JOE

She told my wife I was fooling around.

Did I say that?

NELL

I don’t think said you were fooling around.

BUCK

I have the tape. We can play it back.

JOE

You all stay out of this.

ANNE

Does that mean I go?

JOE

Sit!

TY
I’m sorry. I was just reading the cards and using this book. I didn’t think it was real.

JOE

Well, my wife sure did. She up and left me.

BUCK

So you’re not fooling around?

JOE

No!

ANNE

You know what. I’m so glad you brought a gun in here.

ALL

What?

ANNE

Well, I’m afraid he could sue us for misleading your wife, but now that he has threatened us at gun point, no court would take it. You’re making yourself look very guilty.

NELL

Anne, I don’t think that’s helping him calm down.

BUCK

Hey, I’ve heard these cards are pretty right on. You sure you didn’t fool around.

JOE

I think I’d remember.

BUCK

Not if you got really drunk… once there was this gal…

NELL

Buck, please, this isn’t about you for once…

Wait, I remember that I said that you were no longer devoted. I didn’t say you were fooling around.

JOE

Well, that’s how she took it. She’s still as pissed a rattler in a pit.

I said you were more into something else… that doesn’t mean a woman… it could be anything…

BUCK

Like another guy?

JOE

Take that back!

It could be a hobby… something you like to do…

JOE

Oh, man…

(Realizes)

Oh, I could shoot myself.

BUCK

No one is stopping you, buddy.

(NELL hits BUCK this time)

Why is everyone hitting me?

JOE

How could I be so stupid?

ANNE

I’ve only known you a few moments and I can see it…

NELL

Anne, he’s still got a gun.

ANNE

I doubt it’s even loaded.

JOE

How about we find out.

(Aims it at ANNE and BUCK screams)

(Goes to him)

Please, sir, I’m really sorry. You were about to say something that sounded important. Something that might be what is upsetting your wife.

JOE

I was trying to say…

(Gets control)

…that I think maybe my wife might be upset about all the time I’ve been spending with little Bessie.

BUCK

Bessie? You’re fooling around with your cow?

(ANNE hits him this time)

Hey!

JOE

Bessie is my gun, you idiot.

ANNE

This can’t be good. He’s been spending a lot time with his gun… I imagine you’ve gotten real accurate with that there pistol?

JOE

Dead on.

NELL

I really wish he’d chosen different words.

ANNE

So then problem solved. You’d make your wife happy if you did less target practice, we’d be happy if you did less target practice. In fact, we’d all be happy if you sold your gun all together.

JOE

You’d like that wouldn’t you? All you liberals are the same. Give up your gun and your problems are solved.

ANNE

It seems to me that you cut back on guns and you cut back on shooting deaths.

JOE

Oh, it’s so simple for you. You with your big bucks and home security systems and body guard.

NELL

You have a body guard.

ANNE

Somebody’s gotta watch this body. And Arnold does a very nice job of it.

BUCK

I’ll bet he does…

NELL

(Trying to make JOE nervous)

I’ll bet he’ll be looking for you too any minute.

ANNE

No, he’s probably at my house watching baseball or something.

NELL

No, Anne. He’s always right behind you right?

ANNE

Oh, yes. He’s always by my side.

JOE

Oh, shut up.

ANNE

Shutting up.

JOE

See, that’s power. That’s respect. Don’t have money? Get yourself a gun and then you have power too.

BUCK

That would be a cool ad for the NRA or something. We could give you a discount and run that a few times a week for you.

JOE

Why pay when I’ve got free access right now?

ANNE

Are we live?

NELL

Chuck must have turned on the camera.

JOE

Chuck? Who’s Chuck?

BUCK

I think he slipped out after the camera went on.

JOE

Slipped out… oh, crap. The cops will be here any minute.

ANNE

You better talk fast.

JOE

Crapola. What do I want to say?

NELL

You’ve said a lot already. The camera’s been on a long time I think.

JOE

(MINNY enters but JOE doesn’t see. They try to warn her but she can’t see that well. She goes up to NELL and shows her a pot)

I just want people to know what’s wrong with this world. We got crime all over. I used to be able to leave my door unlocked and now people are shooting each other in the streets. My neighbor got stabbed to death last week and they’re having riots at the high school basketball games... I’m scared. What’s gonna happen next? What’s stopping someone from hurting me or my family? Little Bessie here, that’s who.

(JOE looks at his gun sadly and then he looks at the camera)

And you know what else drives me nuts? Telemarketers. Why do they always have to call while you’re eating dinner?

(NELL grabs a pot from MINNY and smashes JOE over the head)

NELL

I had to stop him. He was starting to make sense.

NELL

Thank you, Minny.

MINNY

You like the pot?

NELL

I love it.

BUCK

Where are those cops?

ANNE

Like she said, he was starting to make sense.

NELL

Are okay, Ty?

I think so. Scared, but okay.

BUCK

You had nothing to be scared about. I was here to protect you all.

ANNE

Weren’t you the one who screamed like a girl?

BUCK

It was my ninja yell. I was about to go Asian on his ass.

(Does a little ninja scream)

ANNE

Let’s get this place cleaned up.

BUCK

What are we gonna do with this guy?

(BUCK has put pencils up his nose)

ANNE

Hey! Let’s put him in the back of his truck and take off the emergency brake. We’ve got a nice hill between here and the railroad tracks.

NELL

Please be kidding .

ANNE

What? It worked with my second husband.

(Lights fade to black)

END OF PLAY