THE WEIRDEST HONEYMOON EVER

By

D. M. Bocaz-Larson

Copyright  ©  1991, 2005                 
All Rights Reserved*

*Please obtain permission to use the scripts at pocolocoplayers@yahoo.com or 505-290-1331. In your request for permission, include your name, name of director (if different), location of production (theatre or school and city), and dates of performances. Once I have this information, then you will be granted rights to perform the show.

This play is free for your use as long as you do not charge admission.  If you charge admission, there is a $10 royalty per performance for using the script.  The royalty payment can be mailed to:  D. M. Bocaz-Larson, 422 Deanna Lee St., Grants, New Mexico 87020 USA.  The following requirements are for all public performances or uses of the play (even if admission is not charged):
1. All programs, posters, etc. should have the author's name (D. M. Bocaz-Larson) and something that tells about the Freedrama.com website such as "Produced by special arrangement with www.freedrama.com"
2. When you complete the production, mail a copy of the program to the royalty address listed above.  
3. Optional, but appreciated.  Agree to be a resource for future producers of this play.  If you agree, I will have your name and email posted under the Production Tips part of the Freedrama.com website when you complete the production.   

Thank you for selecting my script.  I hope you enjoy it.

Author contact information:
D. M. Bocaz-Larson
422 Deanna Lee St. 
Grants, NM 87020 
(505) 290-1331
pocolocoplayers@yahoo.com

Cast of Characters
(in order of appearance)

Pete: 					The happily married newlywed 
						whose honeymoon will take a 
						strange turn.

May:						PETE'S wife who will have a 
						similar experience.

Doc:						An odd character who is the 
						first to disturb the couple in 
						more ways than one. 

John:						A man, who also disturbs them, 
						but his wife is having a baby.

Maggie: 					JOHN'S wife who is heavy with 
						baby and not happy about it.

Frank, Eunice, and Myrtle:		Three hippies from a nearby 
						Commune.

Time and Place
Late December.  A cabin in the mountains.

Scene 1

(A snowy evening in late December.  Lights come up 
		inside a very rustic cabin.  There is an entrance 
		DR, a doorway L. There is a table but no 
		chairs.  C is a rug.  DC is a sketchy area 
		suggesting a fireplace.  Outside the door DR, 
		PETE and MAY appear)

					PETE
Are you sure this is the right key?

					MAY
I think so.

					PETE
It won't fit.

					MAY
Okay.  Maybe it isn't the right key.

					PETE
Is this the right cabin?

					MAY
This is it.  See.  #1

					PETE
But the key won't turn.

					MAY
Maybe the lock's frozen.

					PETE
Maybe.

					MAY
Blow on it.

					PETE
		(Embraces MAY)
With pleasure.

					MAY
Not me.  The keyhole.  It's cold out here.
		(PETE blows on lock)
Did it work?

					PETE
		(Mumbles something)
Mmm lii r stk.

					MAY
What?

					PETE
		(Lips on keyhole)
My lips are stuck.

					MAY
You’re kidding?

					PETE
		(Stands and smiles)
I’m kidding.
		(Tries key)
Hey, I think that did it.
		(They enter.  Stage lights are dim.  They look for 
		a light switch with flashlights)
Where's the light switch?

					MAY
I don't know.
		(They look.  She finds a lantern)
Here's a lantern.

					PETE
I guess that's our light.
		(MAY lights it with matches that are on the table.  
		Stage lights come up)
I thought this place had electricity.

					MAY
Well, the ad did say rustic.

					PETE
They weren't kidding.

					MAY
		(Trying to be positive)
So, what do you think?

					PETE
Not much.

					MAY
Oh, it's not that bad.
		(PETE goes to doorway L)
What's in there?

					PETE
The bedroom I think.

					MAY
You can't tell?

					PETE
I've never seen a bed...that well...leaned quite so much to one side.
	(Cocks his head to match the tilt of the bed)

					MAY
Maybe one of the legs is missing.

					PETE
That should be fun to sleep on.

					MAY
It could be some new wave thing.

					PETE
If it is, it's the only thing in here that's not from the 19th century.

					MAY
We'll find something to put under one side of the bed.  It'll be fine.

					PETE
		(Crosses R)
So, where's the bathroom?

					MAY
		(Points to door UR)
There's only one other door, so that must be it.

					PETE
		(Goes to door UR)
I wonder if it has a shower or bathtub.  

					MAY
I hope it's a bathtub.  I brought some bubble bath.

					PETE
		(Opens door.  Brooms, mops, etc. fall out on him.  
		MAY chuckles.  PETE glares at her)
It's not funny.

					MAY
Sorry.

					PETE
No you're not.

					MAY
You're probably right.

					PETE
Uh, May?

					MAY
Yes, Pete.

					PETE
I do believe there isn't a bathroom.  There's only two doors and I've tried them both.

					MAY
I thought they said there was one when we rented this thing.  I was sure to ask about it since this is in the mountains away from everything.

					PETE
		(Looking out window)
I found it.

					MAY
Where?
		(PETE points out window)
Oh, no not an outhouse.  I was sure they said...

					PETE
Since when do businessmen tell the truth?  Whatever'll make 'em a buck...

					MAY
Maybe we just misunderstood.

					PETE
And maybe we didn't.  I wonder what else they lied about.

					MAY
		(Goes to him)
Petey.  This is our honeymoon.  Can't we make the best of it?

					PETE
Okay.  I guess I can handle an outhouse for a few days.

					MAY
Thank you.

					PETE
I'll be back.
		(Starts for door DR)

					MAY
Look at it as an adventure, dear.
		(PETE debates about making some sort of reply to 
		this but decides against it.  Exits DR)
I guess I should make a fire.
		(Starts DC, but stops)
Or maybe we could make a fire of our own.
		(Exits to bedroom L)
Oh, shoot, the bed.
		(Comes out, gets a log from DL, exits L)
That should do it.  There.  Perfect.
		(Pause.  DR door opens.  A hermit [DOC] enters)
Hello, honey.  
		(DOC looks around confused)
What would you say to our making our own little fire in here?
		(DOC gets excited and starts to undress)

					PETE
		(Enters.  Sees DOC.  Angry)
Who are you?!

					MAY
		(Confused)
Pete?
		(Comes out.  Still dressed)
Who's that?!

					PETE
I don't know.
		(DOC looks at both of them nervously)
Well?

					DOC
No hablo ingles.

					PETE
Funny, you don't look Spanish.

					DOC
No comprendo.

					PETE
No habla inglish?  Yo hablo espanol tambien.  Como esta?

					DOC
		(Looks at PETE with confusion as he speaks.  Then 
		DOC gets disgusted)
Shoot.  You'd have to know Spanish wouldn't you.

					MAY
So you do speak English then.

					DOC
Unfortunately.

					PETE
Now, would you mind telling us why you're in our cabin?

					DOC
I might ask you the same question.

					MAY
We paid.  I have the receipt.

					PETE
I think you're the one who needs to explain yourself.

					DOC
Why's that?

					PETE
		(Annoyed)
What are you doing up here in the middle of winter?

					DOC
What are you doing here?

					MAY
We're on our honeymoon.

					DOC
Newlyweds.  How sweet.

					MAY
Thank you.

					DOC
This is a beautiful place for a honeymoon isn't it?

					MAY
Yes, it is.

					PETE
		(Angry)
Will you just answer my question?!

					DOC
Testy aren't we?

					PETE
Look.  We rented this cabin.  You didn't.  And most people don't just barge in whenever or wherever they please.

					DOC
I came over here 'cause the owner of the cabins don't usually have people here in the winter.  I thought maybe you was criminals or somethin'.

					MAY
That sounds reasonable to me.

					PETE
How do we know he isn't lying?

					MAY
He looks trustworthy enough.

					PETE
Look at him.  Look at the rags he's wearing.  He doesn't look very trustworthy to me.

					DOC
I'm not going to stand around here and be insulted.

					PETE
Good.  Let me get the door for you.

					MAY
Pete.  That's not very nice.

					DOC
The damage has been done, my dear.  There ain't nothing else to be done about it.
		(Turns his back but doesn't leave)

					MAY
		(Takes PETE aside)
He seems like a nice man.  His intensions were good.
		(DOC half listens)

					PETE
But what's he doing here?  He doesn't look like he can afford one of these cabins. 

					DOC
Did you know your new husband was such a snob?   First insulting my clothes, then questioning my financial situation… 

					MAY
Yes, Pete.  I always knew you were a little stuck up… but to go around insulting strangers.

					PETE
Stuck up?

					DOC
You should go around judging people by their appearances.   I could be some rich computer guru who likes to get back to nature.  

					PETE
So are you rich?

					DOC
Does that matter?  Do you only associate with the rich?

					MAY
Pete, you’re being snobby again.

					PETE
Look, I’m just trying to have a romantic honeymoon with my new bride.  We just drove up in the mountains in the middle of winter and got stuck twice on the way here…

					DOC
Did you know he was so whiney?  

					PETE
Ahh!

					MAY
Look, let’s start over.   Hello, I’m May and this is my husband Pete.

					DOC
Nice to meet you both.  My name’s Doc.

					PETE
		(Mumbles)
Yes, nice to meet you.

					MAY
There.  That’s better.  

					PETE
Doc huh?  So you’re a doctor or one of the seven dwarves?

					MAY
Pete.  Please be nice.

					PETE
Sorry.  I was trying to be funny.  But when I’m tired and cranky it comes out mean.  Sorry, sorry, sorry.

					DOC
Actually I am a doctor.

					MAY
See, Pete.  He doesn’t look like a doctor but he is one.

					PETE
Wow, I’m proven wrong once again.  I stand corrected.  I wish I could sit corrected but there isn’t much to sit on.

					DOC
Oh, I moved most the furniture over to my cabin.

					PETE
Could we maybe get some of it back?

					DOC
Sure, no problem… 
		(Pause and looks worried)

					MAY
Is there something wrong?

					DOC
I kind of lost the key to my cabin and I’m locked out.

					MAY
How horrible.   How long have you been locked out?

					DOC
Not too long.  I was pretty lucky you showed up.  I didn’t know what I was going to do.

					MAY
I’ll bet you’re cold.  I wish we had something.  

					DOC
I think all these cabins have the same kitchen supplies.  I’ve used up all of them in a couple of these… I mean, I’ve stayed in the cabins many times and they’re all stocked the same.  I’ll go whip us up some cocoa.
		(Exits)

					MAY
He’s so nice.

					PETE
I don’t know, May.  I have a bad feeling about this guy.  His story doesn’t add up.  No key…

					MAY
He locked himself out.

					PETE
Using up all the supplies in a couple of cabins…

					MAY
He explained that.

					PETE
There’s no way that guy is a doctor…

					MAY
Mother knew this would happen.

					PETE
Your mother?   What did she say would happen?

					MAY
She said the minute we got married you’d get all weird.  

					PETE
She… what?  I’m not getting weird.

					MAY
You’re acting so paranoid.  I’ve never seen you like this.

					PETE
May, please.  I’m tired and hungry and I’m in the same mountains where the Donner Party spent the winter.   Of course I’m acting a little weird.

					MAY
I feel terrible.  I was hoping for a romantic get-away and now we’re fighting instead and I’ve ruined everything.  
		(Starts crying)

					PETE
You haven’t ruined everything.  This is romantic.  

					MAY
But you haven’t kissed me once since we’ve been here…

					PETE
I’m sorry.  
		(Hugs her)
It’s just hard with the seventh dwarf hanging around.

					MAY
A hug is nice.

					PETE
Why don’t we see if we can get rid of Dopey and we’ll see if we can’t find that romance we were hoping for.

					MAY
Okay, but please be nice about it.

					PETE
I shall try to have proper English manners.

					DOC
		(Enters)
Hot chocolate will be ready soon.

					PETE
Hot?  I didn’t see a stove.

					DOC
They have camp stoves in the cabinets.  

					MAY
That’s good news.

					DOC
I can whip us up some grub too.

					PETE
No, that’s okay.  Why don’t we see if we can help you get back into your cabin.  I’m sure you’d like to get back to your… solitude.

					DOC
No, I’m happy visiting with you folks.  It gets kind of lonely up here.
		(PETE gives MAY a look)

					MAY
Uh, Doc.  Pete and I are kind of on our honeymoon see and…

					DOC
Oh… I see. 
		(Kind of hurt)
Well… I understand.  I better get going then.  I think I can squeeze down the chimney of my cabin.  I haven’t tried that yet.  It looks like it might be big enough.  Could you do me a favor though?  If you hear screaming, could you come help me get unstuck.  
		(MAY starts to object but PETE stops her)

					PETE
Sure, no problem.

					DOC
Well, it’s been good meeting you folks.  Have a good honeymoon.  I’ll try my best not to both you.  I’ll even leave the lights off so you can feel like you’re all alone out here.  Some people like to feel alone…
		(Heads for door)

					PETE
Okay, then.  See you later.

					MAY
		(Aside to PETE)
Oh, come on, Pete.  Look how lonely he is.
		(DOC slows his walk toward the door)

					PETE
You’re going to bring home stray dogs aren’t you?

					MAY
At least let him stay for cocoa.

					PETE
Hey, Doc.  At least have that cocoa before you go.

					DOC
		(Brightens)
And cookies.  There are some cookies in there too.  They’re great with cocoa.
		(Exits)

					PETE
Promise me you’ll get him out of here after the cocoa.

					MAY
I promise.
		(Hugs him)
I want to be alone as bad as you do, you know.  

					PETE
Let me go out and get our bags before it gets too late.

					MAY
Good idea.  Then we’ll send Doc on his way and it’s just the two of us for the entire weekend.
		(Knock at the door)

					PETE
Oh, no.

					MAY
Who can that be?

					PETE
I thought this was supposed to be in the middle of nowhere.
(Opens door and snow is falling.  JOHN rushes in with MAGGIE who is very pregnant and in labor)
What the…

					JOHN
Thank goodness somebody is here.  

					MAY
		(To MAGGIE)
Are you okay?

					MAGGIE
Do I look okay?  
(Labor pain)
Ahhh!

					PETE
You’re not… I mean… What’s wrong?

					MAGGIE
What do you mean what’s wrong?  What does it look like?  

					PETE
Well… I mean.  You uh…

					MAGGIE
I what?  Had a basketball shoved up my butt?  I’m having a baby you idiot!
		(Labor pain)
Ahh!

					JOHN
The contractions are getting closer together.

					PETE
You’re having a baby now?

					MAGGIE
No, next Tuesday.  Yes, I’m having it now!

					MAY
What can we do?

					JOHN
Uh… boil some water.  Isn’t that what they always do in the movies?

					DOC
Water’s hot.  Cocoa will be ready soon.

					MAGGIE
Ahhh!

					DOC
What’s going on?

					PETE
She’s having a basketball.

					DOC
What?

					MAY
We’re going to need that hot water.  And clean towels.

					MAGGIE
Isn’t there anywhere to sit down?

					MAY
There’s a bed in here.

					MAGGIE
John.  Bed.  Now.

					PETE
That would have been sexy in another context.

					MAY
I’ll take you.
		(Exits with MAGGIE)

					DOC
I’ll get the water and towels.
		(Exits behind them)

					PETE
I can’t imagine better birth control on a honeymoon than a pregnant woman in labor.

					JOHN
You’re on your honeymoon too?

					PETE
You guys just got married?  Was this a shotgun wedding?

					JOHN
Not exactly.  We decided to get married when she started to show.  I didn’t know she was pregnant until then.  And I did want to marry her so it was a good excuse.

					PETE
How did she hide it from you that long?

					JOHN
Well, we met only about a month before that.  And planning the wedding took about five months.  You know how mother’s are… so…

					PETE
Wait a minute.  I’m doing the math here.   She’s about 9 months along and the weeding took five months to plan and you met a month before that… You’re not…

					JOHN
No, I’m not the father.

					PETE
Dang… really?  So who is?

					JOHN
I don’t know.

					PETE
You don’t?

					JOHN
She won’t tell me.

					PETE
And you’re okay with this?

					JOHN
I really love her.  Once she told me she was pregnant she was told me she’d understand if I wanted to leave her.  But I refused because I’ve never met anyone like her before and I’ve never been with anyone who has made me so happy.  Then when she wouldn’t tell me who the father was, she thought for sure I would leave us and that’s when I proposed.

					PETE
And my wife thinks I’m weird.

					JOHN
I knew I shouldn’t have planned the honeymoon for now.  I thought it was early enough but I guess not.  We should be at a hospital, not in the mountains.
		(DOC enters all nervous)

					PETE
Lucky for you we have a doctor.

					JOHN
That’s great.

					DOC
I’ve never delivered a baby before.

					PETE
You must have learned about it in school?

					DOC
Not really.

					PETE
So what kind of doctor are you?  Veterinarian?  Ph. D?  Witch Doctor?

					DOC
I’m Doc the Tree Doctor.

					JOHN
Hey, I’ve heard of you.  You did those commercials.  The ones where you skipping through the woods touching dead trees and they sprang to life.

					DOC
I’m retired now.

					PETE
I don’t suppose helping seeds germinate is anything like delivering babies.

					MAGGIE
		(Off)
Ahh!

					MAY
		(Enters)
Doc!  I think she’s ready.

					JOHN
Ready?  Now?  
		(Runs off)

					MAGGIE
		(Off)
Get away from me!
		(Pans are tossed and fly onstage with JOHN reentering)

					JOHN
But I didn’t even get her pregnant.

					MAY
She’s not real fond of men in general right now.

					DOC
Then I better not go in there.

					MAY
But we need a doctor.

					PETE
I’m afraid the only thing Doc is delivery is a sapling.

					MAGGIE
		(Off.  Voice sweet now)
Johnny.  I need you.

					JOHN
Dare I go in again?

					PETE
It might be a ploy.  
		(Picks up pan and puts in on JOHN’s head like a helmet)
You better wear protection.  Wait.
		(Puts a smaller metal plate down the front of his pants)
Now you’re set.

					MAGGIE
		(Off. Mad)
John!

					JOHN
Coming.
		(Exits)

					MAGGIE
		(Off. Angry)
Where’s that doctor?!

					PETE
You’re being paged, Doc.

					MAY
I’m sorry I told her about you.  I thought you were a real doctor.

					DOC
Now you’re sounding like a snob.

					MAY
Get in there or I’ll stuff you up our chimney.

					DOC
I’m going.  I’m going.
		(Rushes off)

					PETE
Wow, May.  Where did that come from?

					MAY
And you shut up.
		(Exits)

					PETE
Oh, this has just been a great honeymoon.
		(Knock at door)
Now what?  
		(Goes to door)
I need to sue this cabin owner for false advertising.  Rustic and remote my foot.  I’ve seen fewer people at a Vanilla Ice concert.
(Opens the door and FRANK, EUNICE and MYRTLE.  They look like hippies)
Can I help you?

FRANK 
We sensed a disturbance in the fabric of life.

PETE  
Oh, great.  Star Wars fans.

EUNICE  
A war in the stars?  How horrible.  I know the world outside was much worse than you thought.

PETE  
Who are you people?

					MYRTLE
We are from the Guiding Star Commune.

					PETE
Oh, great.  Hippies.

					FRANK
Hippies?

					EUNICE
We have rejected all things “hip.”  

					MYRTLE
We are children of the stars.

					EUNICE
And the stars brought us here tonight.

					PETE
Lucky me.

					MAGGIE
		(Off)
Ahhh!
		(Crash)
I thought you said you were a doctor?!

					DOC
		(Rushes out.  Looks ill)
We have a problem.

					MAGGIE
		(Off)
Where’s going?  Ahh!

					FRANK
Is she having a baby?

					PETE
Or a basketball.  I don’t think we ever worked that out.

					DOC
I can’t do this.  I gotta go.  It was lovely meeting you.  

					PETE
What’s wrong?

					DOC
I saw the head and I… I don’t feel so good… 
		(Rushes outside)

					EUNICE
Lucky for you Myrtle here delivers babies all the time.

					MYRTLE
Frank.  You have the usual plants I need?
		(FRANK pulls some pouches out of his pockets and holds them up)
If he saw the head this should be a piece of cake.  Coming, dear.
		(MYRTLE and FRANK exit) 

					EUNICE
We handle all our own medical needs on the commune.  All of us were born there.  

					PETE
No hospitals?

					EUNICE
Our elders studies all the ancient wisdom of the past and passed along that knowledge to their children.

					PETE
Where’d they learn it?  The Amazon?  Africa?  

					EUNICE
Harvard.  
		(Baby crying is heard)

					PETE
That was quick.

					EUNICE
Myrtle is the best.  
		(Heads off)
Let me see that new glowing spirit among us.

					MAY
		(Comes out)
Oh, Pete.  You’ve got to see this.  It’s so beautiful.
		(They walk to doorway to see and hold each other happily)

					PETE
This has got to be the weirdest honeymoon ever.

END OF PLAY