OPERATION REDNECK

D. M. Bocaz-Larson

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The script may be printed and copied for free. If you decide to perform the play and charge admission, the requirements are below: 1. All programs, posters, etc. should have the author's name (D. M. Bocaz-Larson) and something that tells about the Freedrama.com website such as "Produced by special arrangement with www.freedrama.com". When you complete the production, mail a copy of the program to the royalty address listed below. 2. There is a $20 royalty for using the play for up to two performances. If you perform the play three or more times, the royalty is just $10 per performance. The royalty payment must be sent via http://www.paypal.com. Or you may send a check to: D. M. Bocaz-Larson, 1721 Encino Ave., Grants, NM 87020. Please no purchase orders. NOTE: The play may not be reproduced or published in any form without written permission from the author. Thank you for selecting my script. I hope you enjoy it. Sincerely, D. M. Bocaz-Larson

Thank you for selecting my script. I hope you enjoy it.

Sincerely, D. M. Bocaz-Larson

Cast of Characters

JULIE: A small town girl with big town dreams

TINA: Airhead small town girl

BETH: Cranky friend of JULIE and TINA

JJ: Redneck boyfriend of TINA

JACOB: JULIE's big town boyfriend

PA: JULIE's cantankerous father

Prologue

ACT I

Scene 1

(Lights come up on house of the three roomies: BETH, TINA, and JULIE. The room is decorated with some of the following: coffee table is a telephone cable spool, a toilet seat is used as a picture frame, a dead Christmas tree is in the corner, there is a stuffed possum on the shelf, the wall is water stained from years of floods, Elvis memorabilia sits proudly beside the possum, a black velvet painting hangs on the wall, etc.)

BETH: Mail call.

TINA: No thanks. I already have a man.

BETH: No, this kind of mail, stupid.

TINA: Oh.

BETH: George Strait Fan Club Newsletter for Tina.

TINA: Thank you. (Opens it, excited) I love getting these almost as much as I love my JJ.

BETH: And sadly, I donï¿½t know which I dislike more.

TINA: (Shows picture to JULIE) Check out this month's picture.

JULIE: That's obscene.

BETH: You should see what she paid for a membership. They better give her something good.

TINA: (Tries to get JULIE to look) How'd you think they got that to hang there like that?

JULIE: Please, I just had breakfast and now I really wish I hadn't had sausage.

BETH: (Looks at mail) Bill, bill, bill... (Throws them in garbage)

JULIE: Don't throw those away. (Rescues them)

BETH: That's where I always put the bills.

JULIE: Ah! Look at this phone bill. Final notice. Beth!

BETH: Don't worry. We got that same one two months ago. I'll just call my uncle at the phone company. He'll take care of it.

JULIE: (Holds up bills) I don't care how many of these people you are related to. We'll have to pay them some day.

BETH: I just figured I'd stall until I got married and then I'd make my husband pay.

TINA: (Showing newsletter) Look. George Straight underwear.

BETH: (Looks at newsletter) You realize that when you sit down, you sit on his face.

JULIE: You two are so weird.

BETH: And one envelope for Julie.

JULIE: Junk mail, no doubt. Just throw it in the garbage.

BETH: Okay, if you say so. But it's a letter from Jacob.

JULIE: (Runs to grab it) Give it here. (Gets it from BETH. Exits to her room)

TINA: Jacob. The man of her dreams.

BETH: I got plenty of men in my dreams. I just wish some of them were real.

JULIE: (Off) Oh, no!

TINA: That didn't sound good.

BETH: So much for that dream.

TINA: Julie? You okay in there? Come on out, honey and talk to us.

JULIE: (Comes out) I've been afraid this would happen.

BETH: Oh, don't worry about it. He ain't worth it. Men are all jerks anyway. They're more useless than titties on a bull.

JULIE: No, not Jacob. He's different. He's the sweetest, most sensitive guy I have ever

met.

BETH: If he's such a wonderful guy, why are you crying?

TINA: Did something happen to him?

JULIE: He's coming here to see me.

BETH: That's the tragic news? Girl, you need help.

TINA: Isn't that good news? Don't you want to be with him?

JULIE: I do want to be with him, but not here. He's a big city guy. He'll hate it out here

and he'll hate me for it.

BETH: I think you're overreacting a bit.

TINA: At least give it a try.

BETH: He'll probably be so busy slobbering all over you, he won't even think about where he's at.

TINA: He's coming here to see you, not the town.

JULIE: But what about my family. There is no way my father is going to like him.

BETH: Why not?

TINA: Now wait a minute, Beth. You know how narrow minded Julie's Pa can be.

BETH: Oh, come on. There can't be that much that would bother him.

JULIE: Well...Jacob doesnï¿½t go to church.

TINA: Oh, dear. Your Grandpa's a minister.

JULIE: He's big into the environment. He thinks all hunters should be shot.

TINA: Isn't your dad a big game hunter?

JULIE: The biggest. And my uncle is an outfitter.

BETH: Oh, boy.

JULIE: He doesn't want to have any kids. He thinks the Earth is way too overpopulated as it is.

TINA: Doesn't your Grandmother hold the town record for giving birth to the most kids?

JULIE: They have a picture of her at the maternity ward in town.

BETH: Oh, come on. It ain't that bad. Youï¿½re getting worked up over nothing.

TINA: I donï¿½t know, Beth. Remember when your cousin Earl brought home that girl from California? She had her armpit hair braided!

BETH: She did not.

TINA: JJ said he saw it.

BETH: And aren't you wondering why JJ was looking at her armpits?

TINA: And she chained herself to the local Steak in the Rough BBQ and refused to leave until they served salads.

JULIE: What happened to her?

TINA: She got run over by a garbage truck.

BETH: She did not.

TINA: Did so, ran right over her foot.

JULIE: How is this helping?

BETH: It's not.

TINA: Sorry. That's the last time I tell you what's on my mind.

BETH: That may be the last time something is on your mind anyway.

JULIE: Will you two knock it off?

BETH: Okay, back to your problem. (Looks at TINA) Mine ain't ever going away.

TINA: You want me to go away? Fine, I'll go away.

BETH: Oh, stop your pouting. I'm only kidding.

TINA: Jokes are only funny if both people enjoy them.

BETH: Where'd you hear that?

TINA: Oprah.

BETH: You know your ma told you to stop watching Oprah. She won't eat beef you know.

JULIE: Why do I even talk to you two about my problems?

TINA: Right. Julie's problem. How do we keep Jacob from being run over by a garbage truck?

BETH: Or by any other truck in town.

JULIE: It's no use. I better tell him I'm coming up there instead.

BETH: But you always do that. Aren't you out of vacation days?

JULIE: Yes, but I could take unpaid leave.

BETH: You can't afford to do that! (looks sheepish)

JULIE: And why not?

BETH: Because you just bought us a new big screen tv.

JULIE: I what?!

BETH: Itï¿½ll be here tomorrow. Come on, Julie. We need a new one. The sound doesn't work on our TV.

JULIE: I can't believe you bought a big screen tv. Couldn't you get a nice little one? You don't have enough money for something like that.

BETH: Actually you bought it. Billy said he had your card number on file.

JULIE: You canï¿½t do that.

BETH: It was on sale.

JULIE: I can't believe the day I'm having. It has to get better than this. Think positive, Julie. Your day will get better, your day will get better. Maybe I'll go back to bed and start over.

TINA: That's what JJ says every time he can't.

BETH: (Stops her) Too much information, Tina.

TINA: All I was going to say is every time he forgets

BETH: Still, too much information.

JULIE: Why does he have to come here anyway?

TINA: You know what. This sounds serious.

JULIE: You think so?

TINA: If he wants to see your home town and meet your family. That is very serious.

BETH: But he hasnï¿½t belched your favorite song like JJ did for you. Now thatï¿½s the clincher.

TINA: JJ has not belched my favorite song. He belched Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star when we went star watching.

BETH: I thought that was your favorite song.

TINA: Not since Brittney Spears came out with that song "Ooops, I did it again."

BETH: You know that is the perfect love song for you and JJ. You think we can get JJ to belch that one?

JULIE: You two are still not helping.

BETH: You know, I hate to admit it but Tina,s got a point. I think Jacob is getting serious and if you turn him down, you might be taking a stroll down Breakup Street.

TINA: Breakup Street? Where's that?

BETH: Over by Clueless Court. (TINA looks confused) Anywho, you willing to take a chance on Jacob feeling rejected?

JULIE: Not really.

TINA: He might also think you're hiding something. Remember when my brother wouldn't let anyone in his room for the longest time, but then it started to smell real bad and daddy broke in.

BETH: Didn't he have a sheep locked in there?

TINA: Yeah. Although we never did figure out why it was all nervous and sweaty.

BETH: Ask JJ. Iï¿½m sure he knows.

JULIE: I see what you mean though, Tina.

BETH: You do?

JULIE: If I won't let Jacob come down, he might suspect that I've got another guy down here.

BETH: Or a sheep.

TINA: So if Jacob comes down, how do we keep him from being shot?

BETH: How about we give him a makeover.

JULIE: A makeover? What kind of makeover?

BETH: I don't know. Something that will make him fit in a little better. We can't have him showing up here in some t-shirt saying "Eat Beef and Die."

JULIE: What ever happened to freedom of expression?

BETH: Oh, get off your high horse, Julie. You know free speech is only free when you talk about what everyone wants to hear. You can't tell me if I went to visit Jacob and his family wearing a "I eat endangered species for breakfast" t-shirt that they wouldn't get upset at me. Face it, Julie. People only express themselves around people who feel the same way.

TINA: Did that just make any sense?

BETH: Were you always this slow or did you have an accident?

JULIE: I appreciate you two trying to help but I think everything will be fine.

JJ: (Enters) Knock, knock.

BETH: We're not home.

JJ: Aw, yes you are. You can't fool me.

BETH: Boy, Tina. You got one smart man there. Couldn't pull one over on him.

TINA: (Goes to him) Yeah, he is something special, ain't he?

JJ: You gotta beer, woman?

TINA: Sure, JJ. I'll get it for ya'.

BETH: Hey, JJ. I need to ask you something.

JJ: Not now, Beth. I ain't up to no thinkin'. I just got off work.

BETH: I didn't realize shoveling manure took so much brain power.

JJ: You'd be surprised.

BETH: I wouldn't bug you normally. I know those brain cells you got left are pretty precious but you just gotta try. Julie's got a problem and I think only you can help.

JULIE: I don't think so.

BETH: This man is just what we need.

JJ: That's what all the ladies tell me.

BETH: (Hits him) Don't get all cocky on me now.

TINA: (Enters) Here's your beer.

JULIE: (To BETH) Let's drop it, okay.

BETH: (Aside to JULIE) I'll be subtle.

JJ: I got my beer. I'm ready to start thinkin' now. (To JULIE) You come on over to Uncle JJ and tell him all your troubles.

JULIE: JJ. If some guy showed up here wearing a t-shirt that said "Eat Beef and Die" what would you do?

JJ: I'd save eat this buddy! (pretends to put invisible guy in headlock and punch him) Pow, pow.

BETH: I rest my case.

JJ: We done here? I gotta take a pee. I need to make room for some more beer.

TINA: I'll have a cool one waiting for you.

JJ: Thatï¿½s right. (Kisses her) Take notes, ladies. This is how a man wants his woman. All ready to please him. (To TINA) And don't you wander off. I don't like it when my women ain't around when I'm lookin' for 'em. (Exits)

BETH: (Calls after him) Don't pee on the toilet seat again or it's the last time you'll be able to pee standing up. (To TINA) Uh, what do you see in that man?

TINA: What? What's wrong with him?

BETH: He's the perfect example of why Jacob needs to be careful when he comes down here.

JULIE: Maybe I should tell Jacob not to come at all.

BETH: No, you don't need to do that. What's wrong with asking him to keep a low profile for a few days?

JULIE: He doesn't know how to keep a low profile. He's a major activist. He's always pushing some cause or another. He doesn't know when to quit.

BETH: (Sarcastic) Sounds fun.

JULIE: I find it kind of sexy actually.

BETH: Seeing him get beat up by a bunch of rednecks won't be too sexy though.

JULIE: You know. That's the problem right there. Everyone here is a redneck. There isn't anything else. There's no other way to be.

TINA: And what's wrong with that?

JULIE: I mean there is so much more out there. There is so much more we can make of ourselves but no one cares. But they are going no where fast and they are enjoying the ride. Everyone here just wants to be a redneck.

BETH: That's it. That's the answer. We'll just turn him into a redneck.

JULIE: That wasn't what I was getting at.

BETH: But it's the perfect solution. If you can turn him into a redneck, your problem is solved.

JULIE: But I don't want him to be a redneck.

BETH: Just while he's here. Then when you send him home he can go back to being a city boy.

JULIE: This is crazy.

BETH: You're crazy not to try it.

JULIE: What do you want me to do? Call him up and say, "Hey, Jacob. Would you mind pretending to be a redneck while you're here? You're not good enough the way you are so I want you to pretend to be someone else."

TINA: That sounds good except I think that last sentence needs some work.

JULIE: Maybe I should tell him something. Would I be doing him more harm than good by not warning him?

BETH: He'll be okay if he has a good life insurance policy.

TINA: You better warn him. A guy like that is just asking for trouble.

JULIE: I'll tell him something, but not enough to make it seem like I'm trying to "fix" him.

TINA: How come you don't want to fix him? He needs some serious fixing.

BETH: And JJ doesn't?

TINA: No.

BETH: Yeah, JJ is ready for the junkyard.

TINA: I know. He'd really like to work there but they ain't hiring.

BETH: (hand over head) Woosh! Went right by her didn't it?

TINA: What? JJ likes the junkyard. He wants to be on the cable show Garbage Wars where they built all kind of neat stuff out of junk.

BETH: I'll bet that's how God made JJ.

TINA: Hey!

BETH: She got that joke.

TINA: And it wasn't nice either.

BETH: Are any of my jokes nice?

JULIE: I guess I should call him.

BETH: Like five minutes ago. What are you waiting for?

JULIE: Fine. I'll call him and ask him to come down here dressed like a cowboy at least. He might do that.

BETH: Don't talk around the problem though. He needs to know what he's up against. They ain't like city folk here.

JULIE: (on phone) Hi, Jacob..... I got your letter..... surprised? Oh, yes..... Of course I'm excited about you coming.... what's wrong.... (to girls) He can tell I'm hiding something.

BETH: Tell him. It's for his own good.

JULIE: (To phone) Huh? Yes, I want you to come, it's just that people here are kind of different. No, not like me. Much, much different. They're not quite like the people in the city. They have their own ways of doing things. It's kind of like going to a foreign country.... They're not used to people like.... "we're" used to.

BETH: Get to the point, Julie.

JULIE: People here don't accept strangers too easily. I thought maybe you should... that you could.... I don't know how to say it.

BETH: Say it like it is. That always works for me.

TINA: That's what you think.

BETH: Hey!

TINA: Gotcha.

JULIE: People here are cowboys, they only seem to like other cowboysï¿½ maybe if you dress more like themï¿½

BETH: And act more like them. Tell him to watch some John Wayne movies. Everybody like John Wayne.

TINA: And some Julia Roberts movies. I love Julia Roberts.

BETH: I think you've missed the point here, Tina.

TINA: You were talking about movies weren't you?

BETH: Tina, go sit down before you hurt yourself.

JULIE: Oh, I'm so glad you understand..... Thank you, Jacob.... Good.... That'll do... See you soon... Love you. Bye.

TINA: Love you? This is serious.

JULIE: Yes, it is serious. That's why I'm so worried.

TINA: Don't be. You've warned him. He'll be okay. Besides everyone is real nice here.

BETH: Tina. This is the town that took the only democrat who's come to campaign in town and threw him in the river. Ever summer, there's a "Maim the Liberal" shooting contest at the firing range where they shoot cardboard cutouts of the Clintons.

JULIE: (sobs) He's doomed.

TINA: Now look what you've done. (comforts JULIE)

BETH: Sorry, Julie. I'm worried, that's all.

TINA: Well, it's no reason to go and upset her.

BETH: I wasn't trying to upset her.... I was trying to upset YOU!

JULIE: (Stops crying) I better go make a shopping list since we have a guest coming. I think it's my week to buy food anyway. (Exits to kitchen L)

BETH: (To TINA) I better call Julie's guy and warn him what he's really getting himself into.

TINA: Do you have his number?

BETH: No, but all I have to do... (Gets phone) ...is hit redial.

TINA: I didn't know you could do that.

BETH: I'm not surprised. Listen at the kitchen door in case Julie comes back out. (To phone) Hello, Jacob. This is Julie's friend, Beth. We gotta talk. There's a few more things you should know about this town before you come. It's for your own safety.

TINA: (Listening at door) Here comes Julie. (BETH hides in closet with phone)

JULIE: You two need anything from the store?

TINA: (Trying to get JULIE to go) You better hurry so you can be back here when Jacob arrives.

JULIE: You're right. See you.

TINA: Bye.

JULIE: Oh, wait. (TINA looks nervous) I need to make a call first.

TINA: No!

JULIE: No?

TINA: Here's a quarter. Call from the store.

JULIE: Why are you acting so weird? I mean weirder than usual.

(Goes to phone table) Where's the phone?

TINA: In...the closet.

JULIE: Why is it in the closet?

TINA: I thought it might be more private that way. (JULIE heads for closet. TINA stops her) No, don't go in there.

JULIE: Why not?

TINA: Beth is on the phone.

BETH: In the closet?

TINA: She's talking to her doctor and he said to go in the closet.

JULIE: What for?

TINA: He said she need to... come out of the closet.

JULIE: Never mind. I don't want to know. (Starts to go)

BETH: (Peeks out) Is she gone yet?

JULIE: No.

BETH: (To phone) Well, it was nice talking to you, Father Frank. I'll see you on Sunday. (Hangs up)

JULIE: Father Frank?

BETH: From church. I was just doing my weekly confession.

JULIE: In the closet?

BETH: I'm a closet Catholic.

JULIE: I didn't know you went to church.

BETH: I'm full of surprises.

JULIE: Tina? I thought you said she was talking to her doctor.

TINA: I thought she said she was calling the doctor. I must have heard her wrong.

BETH: I wanted to kill two birds with one stone. You've got to keep up your spiritual and physical health up together you know.

JULIE: I'm not stupid, Beth. Who were you talking to?

BETH: I told you.

JULIE: (Getting really mad) Who were you talking to, Beth?!

BETH: Okay, so I called Jacob. It was for his own good.

JULIE: You called him? What did you say?

BETH: I just gave him a few pointers.

JULIE: Like what?

BETH: Nothing major. Just a few tips on how to dress, how to talk, that kind of stuff.

JULIE: If he looks stupid...

BETH: He'll look great.

JULIE: He is taking this way too well.

BETH: He sure is. That's probably the first guy who's ever listened to me talk about anything. Maybe you should ask him to bring a friend.

TINA: Are you sure the clothes are gonna do it though? It takes more than a cowboy hat to make a cowboy.

BETH: Maybe we should put that on a t-shirt.

JULIE: No, no more changes. We've asked him to change too much already.

BETH: I wouldn't introduce him to your pa then. He'll see right through him. I swear you pa worked for the FBI or something the way he grills people. I remember when we were kids. He'd always know when we were up to no good. (To TINA) "Beth, where were you and Julie last night? Were you in the company of men? Were you ALONE with them? Were you? Huh? Huh?!

TINA: (Cracks under the pressure) Okay, okay. I did it. I took five bucks from your purse and gave it to JJ.

BETH: You what?

TINA: I,m sorry.

BETH: Did you really take $5 from me?

TINA: I don't know what I was saying. I cracked under the pressure. I had to say something.

JULIE: Daddy's not that bad, Beth.

TINA: Close. I was having flashbacks.

BETH: Years of study. Some guy would buy you dinner and your pa would want to know how many times the guy chewed.

JULIE: Now you're overdoing it.

BETH: Please, avoid your pa. Jacob's so nice and sensitive. Your pa would probably make him cry.

TINA: Boys don't cry.

BETH: You some kind of wind up doll? Pull the string and you say some hick from the sticks proverb.

TINA: Proverb? You mean like the bible?

BETH: Whoosh!

TINA: Stop that.

BETH: So did you really take five dollars from me?

TINA: I don't recall.

BETH: That's okay. I've taken way more than that from your purse.

JULIE: I don't want you two doing anything else while I'm gone. You've done more than enough. I'm worried all your fixing is going to make things worse.

TINA: We just wanted to help you out, that's all.

JULIE: I know you did. I just hope he didn't mind too much.

BETH: He sounded real grateful. He really wants to make you happy.

JULIE: I have to go get something for dinner tonight. I'll be back soon. (Exits R)

BETH: Now the real planning begins.

TINA: What do you mean?

BETH: Operation Redneck is close at hand.

TINA: Huh?

BETH: I'm going to make Jacob into the ultimate redneck. She won't even recognize him when we're done with him.

TINA: Will she like that though?

BETH: Of course she will. (Searches) We need lots of paper and pens.

TINA: What for?

BETH: To makes notes. I want to write down some tips on how to be a redneck so Jacob can look at it whenever he needs to.

TINA: That's a good idea.

BETH: I'm terrible at this kind of stuff though. I always need something to get ideas from. What I need is a redneck.

TINA: Do we know any rednecks? Where we gonna find one?

JJ: (Enters. Excited) Ooo-weee. I didn't know you had a bug zapper. Man, those things are so cool. (Imitates one) I could watch those suckers for hours. (Goes to sofa and turns on TV) Boy, howdy. The Rodeo Network. When did you get that?

BETH: Ask and ye shall receive.

TINA: JJ? He's not a redneck...is he?

BETH: Honey, he put the red in neck.

JJ: Aw, man. My ma can ride a bull better than that.

BETH: I've gotta write this stuff down.

JJ: Where's my beer, woman? I'm running on empty

TINA: Coming. (Exits)

BETH: The question is - do we really want Jacob to act like this? Do we really want two of them in the world?

JJ: What you gabbin' about over there?

BETH: I was just sayin' how suave and debonair you are?

JJ: (Confused) What's that supposed to mean?

TINA: (Enters) Here's your beer, dear.

JJ: Beer - dear. (Laughs) That's like a poem. Youï¿½re too funny.

TINA: (Smiles) Thanks.

BETH: She's a regular comedian.

JJ: You're just jealous.

BETH: Yes, you're sure giving me plenty to be jealous of there, JJ.

JJ: Hey, don't worry, Beth. You'll find a guy tough enough for you some day.

BETH: I doubt it.

(BETH takes TINA aside)

BETH: He'll be perfect. I'll give him a quiz from one of our magazines about finding the perfect man. (Picks up a magazine) If we can get Jacob to act even a little bit like JJ, then I'm sure people around here will think he's okay. But not too much like JJ. Nobody should be too much like JJ.

TINA: He's a one of a kind.

BETH: God destroyed the mold after JJ was made.

TINA: So how we gonna do this?

BETH: Hey, JJ. You wanna win some money?

JJ: Duh... Who wouldn't?

BETH: There's this contest in Tina's George Straight Fan Club newsletter....

TINA: There is? (BETH gives her a look) Oh, yeah. There is.

BETH: See, it's a contest for the perfect couple... You think you guys are the perfect couple?

JJ: Who? Me and Tina?

BETH: No, you and Hillary Clinton. Yes, Tina.

JJ: You bet we're the best couple. We'll win for sure. (gives TINA a squeeze)

BETH: But you got to answer a few questions.

JJ: Naw, I don't wanna answer a bunch a sissy questions. That's stupid. Can't we just take a picture of us. (Grabs TINA and poses) See?

BETH: Oh, yeah. That will impress the judges.

JJ: They can see we'z the perfect couple just by looking at us. Like they say a picture is worth a dozen words.

BETH: In your case, I believe that's true. (Looks at newsletter) But I'm afraid the rules specifically say, no pictures.

JJ: Well, then they can spificly kiss my butt.

TINA: Do it for me, Jellybean.

JJ: Aw, man. This is dumb. No way.

BETH: First prize is a million dollars.

JJ: Well, maybe I could answer a few questions.

TINA: Go ahead, Beth.

BETH: Let's see! First question... (Thinks of something) What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for Tina?

JJ: Romantic? Uh... probably that time I spray painted her name on the General Lee Street Overpass. (TINA smiles happily)

TINA: That was something. You coulda been killed. He used real big letters too.

BETH: Too bad he spelled her name wrong.

TINA: It's the thought that counts.

BETH: I mean who spells Tina with an E instead of an A.

JJ: Can we get on with this? I got things to do.

BETH: Have you ever invested anything for your future such as in the stock market?

JJ: The stock market? Yeah, I might buy us a cow or two.

BETH: Are you the kind of person who would own a personalized license plate?

JJ: Any plate I get here is personalized to me.

TINA: Why's that?

JJ: Cause my daddy's one of them guys who makes them.

BETH: Isn't your dad in prison?

JJ: Yeah, so?

BETH: Do you own a three piece suit?

JJ: Got one on right now. Overalls, flannel shirt, and underwear.

TINA: And only sometimes on the underwear. (She and JJ laugh)

BETH: That's more than I wanted to know, Tina. Who is your favorite Uncle?

JJ: My dad.

BETH: What do you do when you're in trouble and need to find a way out?

JJ: I think, "What would Homer Simpson do?"

BETH: What is your favorite Olympic sport?

JJ: Mud wrestling.

BETH: That's not an Olympic sport.

JJ: Well, it should be.

BETH: Next question. What do you think of gun control?

JJ: Gun control is a steady hand.

BETH: Do you know how to use the internet?

JJ: The internet? That some kind of new fishing tool?

BETH: If you could pick the eighth wonder of the world, what would you chose?

JJ: The Budweiser plant outside of town.

BETH: Which family member do you want to be like when you get older?

JJ: My mama.

TINA: Really?

JJ: Yeah. You know how many tattoos she's got?

BETH: No, and I don't want to know.

JJ: (Stands and shows TINA. Has back to audience) This one is my favorite. Mama's got the same one.

TINA: That's a nice one.

JJ: It was expensive. I'm still paying this baby off.

BETH: Who do you admire most?

JJ: Jack Daniels. (He and TINA laugh)

BETH: What do you want to name your children?

JJ: Jack and Daniel.

BETH: You have a one track mind.

JJ: I sure am getting thirsty.

TINA: I think you left a bottle of JD in my room.

JJ: Boy, howdy. This is my lucky day. (exits)

BETH: I can't believe this.

TINA: How did he do?

BETH: Tina, the man is an idiot.

TINA: I thought he did very well.

BETH: Maybe I should call someone else. No one could pretend to be this dumb.

TINA: He ain't pretending. You just ain't givin' him a chance. Ask him one more and make it really hard. I bet he'll get it right.

JJ: (Comes from kitchen) We done with all them questions yet?

TINA: Just one more, honey.

BETH: What is your opinion on the Roe vs. Wade decision?

JJ: (Thinks. TINA looks hopeful) Now I've heard people talk about that a lot and that's something I've thought lots about too. But I think I've finally settled one side of that issue. I much prefer to row across a river than wade. (BETH throws her notes in the air) What? The river's way too cold to wade across.

BETH: This is totally hopeless. (exits)

JJ: What's with her?

TINA: Nothinï¿½. You want another beer?

JJ: Oh, baby. You say the sweetest things. (grabs TINA and pulls her onto couch and kisses her. Stops and looks at her lovingly) You know what, baby doll?

TINA: What?

JJ: I wonder what's on TV?

TINA: JJ, can we talk?

JJ: Sure, I think thereï¿½s a commercial coming up soon.

TINA: Now?

JJ: Jeez, woman. What's with this talking all the sudden? That ain't like you. You know, that's the problem with you living with all these chics. You get to yacking and soon you can't stop.

TINA: Sorry, JJ. I donï¿½t know what I was thinking.

JJ: Thinking, too much of that is bad too.

TINA: Youï¿½re right, sorry.

JJ: Okay, fine. There's the commercial. Let's talk. I don't like it when you get all pouty. Makes your face all puffy.

TINA: Would you do anything for me?

JJ: Anything? I don't know. Depends.

TINA: On what?

JJ: Well, I'd walk through a mile of manure but I wouldnï¿½t lick a cowï¿½s behind.

TINA: That's fair I guess.

JJ: What about you? Would you do anything for me?

TINA: Of course.

JJ: Would you, stick your finger up a pig's nose?

TINA: Uh-huh.

JJ: (Pause. Thinks) Would you fling a turd at the mayor?

TINA: Gladly.

JJ: Would you be willing to say you had flung a turd at the mayor even if you didn't do it?

TINA: Yeap.

JJ: Even if it meant that it would get you in big trouble?

TINA: JJ?

JJ: Yeah?

TINA: Did you fling a turd at the mayor today?

JJ: (Sheepish) Yeah.

TINA: (Laughs) I can't believe you.

JJ: Aw, crud. I missed the ending of my show. Now I'll never know if Bo and Luke get away.

TINA: I'm sorry, Jellybean. Would you like to use my game boy? That always cheers you up.

JJ: Okay.

TINA: (Gets gameboy) You have to use the headphones though. Beth hates the noises it makes.

JJ: Fine. I can't stand hearing all you girls yacking anyway. Tell Beth I donï't like her noises either. (Puts on headphones and plays)

BETH: (Enters) I see JJ has a toy. (Knock at door. BETH goes to answer)

TINA: Hey, if thatï¿½s the mayor, tell him JJ ainï't here.

BETH: You're too weird. (Opens door and Julie's PA enters wearing fishing waders and carrying a big bag. BETH reacts to smell) Yow! What did you kill?

TINA: Hello, Mr. Davis.

PA: Where is my daughter? (Shoves bag at BETH who backs away) I've got something for her.

BETH: Whatever that is, I'm sure Julie won't want it.

TINA: Did you go fishing this morning?

PA: Nope.

BETH: You going later?

PA: Nope.

TINA: Then why are you wearing waders?

PA: Everything else is in this bag.

BETH: Everything?

PA: Everything. Ain't nothing else in these waders but what God gave me.

BETH: I didn't need to know that.

TINA: How come you ainï¿½t got nothing on?

PA: I got up this morning and realized I didn't have no clean underwear, or pants. The only thing that was clean was these waders.

BETH: You can wear clothes more than once you know.

PA: I'm sorry, but even a good pair of undies don't last more than a week.

TINA: Is this your laundry?

BETH: It's either laundry or something dead.

PA: Smells about the same donï¿½t it.

BETH: You can do your laundry more than once a month, you know.

PA: Naw, Julie wonï¿½t do it more than that. See, we have this deal. She does two weeks worth and I do two weeks worth.

BETH: This looks like a monthï¿½s worth.

PA: So I forgot to do my two weeks, worth.

TINA: Julie is going to be mad at you.

BETH: Is that the only reason you had Julie move back here from the city was so she could do your laundry?

PA: Julie's not upset about that again is she?

BETH: Maybe a little.

PA: Dagnabbit. What else was I supposed to do? My woman left me and I was all alone. I can't help it if I only had one daughter to take care of me.

BETH: You have some sons, you know.

PA: My boys can't take care of me. They can hardly care for themselves.

TINA: He's right about that.

PA: At least I didn't make Julie live at home.

BETH: How generous of you.

PA: But she ain't even married yet. That ain't proper.

BETH: Speaking of marriage. Mind if we ask you some questions.

PA: I'm not sure I'm the one to be asking about marriage.

TINA: What if Julie were getting married?

PA: What?! My baby girl is getting married?!

BETH: No, calm down. Let me explain. (To TINA) Way to give him a heart attack.

TINA: Sorry.

BETH: Good thing he doesnï¿½t have his gun with him.

TINA: I said I was sorry.

BETH: (To PA) All us girls were talking!

PA: Mistake #1, (Laughs and elbows JJ)

JJ: Knock it off, old man. I'm in the zone.

BETH: We were wondering about what kind of man we want to marry.

PA: Mistake #2, it doesnï¿½t matter what you want. You should find someone your kin will like.

BETH: Exactly. So we were wondering what kind of man you want Julie to find.

TINA: Hey, that was pretty slick, Beth. I was wondering where you going with all that.

PA: It's about time somebody asked. Every time I bring it up, Julie rolls her eyes and says, "Oh, daddy."

TINA: So would you pick a guy like my JJ, (JJ is picking his nose) Or some other kind of guy?

PA: As much as I like JJ, he ain't exactly what I'd want for my Julie.

BETH: So you'd like a different kind of guy?

PA: I hate to say it but these guys around here ain't got much of a future. That's why I let Julie leave home to get an education. She already has a way better job than other people her age.

BETH: So do you want the guy she marries to have an education?

PA: Sure, that would be good. Then he could take good care of her. Or he could be stinking rich. That's okay too.

TINA: She ain't gonna find any rich guys around here.

PA: What about that bank manager? He's quite a catch.

TINA: Old man Ferguson? I thought he was married.

PA: No, his wife just died.

TINA: But he's older than you.

PA: Julie likes mature guys.

BETH: Mature, not overly ripe.

PA: Yeah, I guess maybe heï¿½s a little too old for my Julie.

BETH: I don't suppose you'd like a lawyer for a son-in-law?

PA: A lawyer? Sure, why not.

TINA: I thought you hated lawyers.

PA: But they make good money and are smart as the devil.

BETH: Smart, educated, a lawyer, this is promising.

TINA: So if Julie brought home a guy like that, you'd be happy?

PA: Unless he was one of them tree-hugging liberals like her ma ran off with. I'd rather have her marry JJ than hook up with a guy like that.

TINA: Oh, dear.

PA: I better go. Tell Julie I'll be by later to get my laundry. (PA exits)

BETH: That didnï¿½t go so well after all.

TINA: Jacob is doomed.

JJ: What is this all about anyway? Both of you are acting weird.

BETH: It's nothing, JJ. Drink your beer.

JJ: Wait a minute. I can put two and two togetherï¿½

BETH: What'd you get? Three?

JJ: First, thereï¿½s that perfect couple contest, then Tina wants to "talk", and then grilling Julie's Pa about marriage. I'm starting to see the writing on the stall!

TINA: JJ, donï¿½t get upset. Itï¿½s not like that.

JJ: This is your way of dropping hints about us, ain't it Tina?

TINA: (Looks to BETH for help) Well!

JJ: Don't worry, sugar plum. I understand. Now I ain't in a position to be, buying rings just yet, but I know that when that time comes, there's a perfectly cut cubic zirconium in your future, baby.

TINA: Oh, JJ. Really?

BETH: Wow, JJ. You found us out. Yes, Tina was worried you weren't as insanely in love with her as she is with you.

JJ: (Smiles at TINA) Insane huh?

TINA: Totally and completely.

BETH: You've both got to be.

JJ: Once I'm rich and famous, Iï¿½m gonna make you Mrs. JJ Bean.

BETH: Just in time for retirement huh? (JJ and TINA are too wrapped up in each other to hear her).

TINA: You know. You could probably make enough money if you'd go work at your Uncle's Come and Go mini-market.

JJ: He won't let me work there unless I get my GED.

TINA: But he said he'd make you a night manager.

JJ: To be a night manager, he'll make me go take some classes at the community college. It's just too hard.

JULIE: I'm back. (Enters with groceries)

JJ: Hey! Food.

JULIE: It's not for you.

JJ: Who's it for?

JULIE: If you must know, it's for my boyfriend.

JJ: Ooooh. Julie's got a boyfriend. Julie's got a boyfriend.

JULIE: (To TINA) How old is he?

TINA: He's still a little boy inside.

JJ: Yea, a little boy who likes beer. Can I have another one? (Looks in grocery bag)

JULIE: No, go home.

JJ: Aw, man.

JULIE: Go mooch off your mom and dad for awhile.

JJ: But they won't give me beer. My ma hogs it all.

BETH: I guess it runs in the family. (JJ exits)

JULIE: I've got to get this place cleaned up for Jacob. (Finds laundry bag) What's this?

BETH: You're dad left it for you. He said he'd be back for it later.

JULIE: Daddy was here? Did you tell him about Jacob?

BETH: No, but we did get some interesting information out of him.

TINA: We asked about what kind of man he wants for you.

JULIE: Let me guess, tall, strong, and able to crush beer cans on his forehead.

TINA: Actually he said Mr. Ferguson was a good catch.

JULIE: Ew, gross. Heï¿½s like my grandpa's age. That creeps me out just thinking about it.

BETH: I'll bet he's got the hairiest moles in a three state area.

JULIE: I can't believe that's daddy's ideal son-in-law.

BETH: I think he was kidding.

JULIE: I hope so.

BETH: But the good news is that your man meets a lot of his standards.

TINA: He does? (BETH hits TINA)

BETH: Yes, smart, educated and a lawyer.

JULIE: No way. Daddy hates lawyers.

BETH: He said lawyers are okay because they are rich.

JULIE: Jacob's not a rich lawyer. He does a lot of charity and environmental cases.

BETH: Oh.

TINA: But don't worry. We have a plan.

BETH: We do. Weï¿½re going to make your guy into the perfect man for your dad. (Pause) That sounded weird didn't it?

JULIE: I don't know if I can ask Jacob to do this.

BETH: You can't call him Jacob around here. You gotta call him Jake.

JULIE: Jake?

BETH: I've got all kinds of great ideas for you.

TINA: Yeah, JJ helped.

JULIE: JJ? This is sounding bad already.

BETH: Trust me. Jake won't know what hit him.

JULIE: Thatï¿½s what I'm afraid of. (They exit to kitchen as lights fade to black)

ACT II

Scene 1

(Lights come up on TINA watching at window. She seems something and gets excited)

TINA: He's here. He's here.

BETH: (Enters) Let's see how he looks. (Looks out window) Oh, no. Look at his t-shirt. (Knock at door)

JULIE: (Enters) Let him in, Tina.

BETH: Hurry before somebody shoots him.

TINA: (Opens door) Hey there. (JACOB enters with flowers that block his shirt)

JULIE: Jacob. (Goes and hugs him)

JACOB: It's so good to see you. (Gives her some flowers but has more)

JULIE: I sure missed you. (They embrace)

BETH: Maybe we better leave you two alone.

JULIE: No, wait. I want to introduce you to Jacob. This Beth and this is Tina.

JACOB: Nice to meet you both. (Gives some flowers to TINA)

TINA: (Surprised) He's so polite.

(JACOB holds out flowers to BETH and we can see his t-shirt for the first time which says "I may be an environmentalist but I'd like to clear cut some Bushes.")

BETH: (Doesn't take flowers) I thought I told you on the phone not to wear your t-shirts.

JACOB: I thought this one was ambiguous enough.

TINA: (Reads) "I may be an environmentalist but I'd like to clear cut some Bushes." (TINA looks puzzled)

BETH: That's a lot of reading for you, Tina. You okay?

TINA: I thought you'd be against clear cutting, Jacob. I should get my brother Jube one of these. He's a logger. I didn't think they made logging shirts.

JACOB: I rest my case.

BETH: Thankfully, Tina doesnï¿½t represent the average person down here. She's special.

TINA: Thank you, Beth. (Takes BETH's flowers from JACOB and adds them to hers) That's the nicest thing you've said to me all day. (Takes JULIE's flowers) I'll go put these in water. (TINA exits)

JULIE: So how was your trip?

JACOB: Good. I have no major incidents to report. I did have the sheriff follow me here from the county line though. I don't know what I did wrong but he obviously didn't think it was bad enough to pull me over.

BETH: I can explain that. You see, the sheriff does what you call profiling. He looks for certain characteristics in strangers that send up red flags.

JACOB: What could I possibly have done to send up a red flag?

BETH: You're driving one of them foreign cars. That's reason enough. Plus it's not even a pickup. Now, I think someone could get away with owning a Toyota Tundra but that's iffy. They look right, but that Toyota symbol is sending out the wrong message.

JACOB: Wow, Iï¿½ve never been a victim of profiling before. I feel violated somehow.

BETH: You're going to get plenty more violated if you don't change that shirt. Where's the outfit we told you to get.

JACOB: I've got it in my bag. Should I try it on?

JULIE: Oh, come on, Beth. He just got here. Give him some time to relax.

BETH: If he doesn't fit in now, he'll have plenty of time to relax, in his grave.

JULIE: Beth's exaggerating.

BETH: Am I?

JACOB: I'll go change.

JULIE: You can change in my room. Come on. (Leads JACOB toward kitchen)

BETH: Wait, Julie. Can I talk to you a second?

JULIE: (Sighs) Sure, Beth. Jacob, my room is through the kitchen, down the hall and the first door on the right.

JACOB: Got it. (Kisses her) It's great to see you. (Exits)

JULIE: (Annoyed) What do you want, Beth?

BETH: What's with the attitude? (TINA enters)

JULIE: Give him a chance will you? You lay into him the second he walked in. Don't you dare scare him off.

TINA: Wow, Julie. Last time you talked to Beth like that was in second grade and I think she knocked out all your baby teeth.

JULIE: I'm not in the mood for your bullying today, Beth. Either be nice to Jacob or you need to go stay with your parents for a few days.

TINA: Wow, Julie. You sound like you mean it.

JULIE: I do.

BETH: Okay, fine. Youï¿½re right. I am being too tough on him. I was only trying to help you out, but maybe I was getting a little too carried away.

TINA: Are you feeling okay, Beth? First you say something nice to me and then you let Julie lay down the law. I can feel the winds of change blowing.

BETH: No, that's the air whooshing around in that empty space between your ears.

JULIE: Bethï¿½

BETH: You mean I have to be nice to Tina too? This is so unfair.

TINA: No, it's okay, Julie. Beth can be mean to me if it means she'll be nice to Jacob.

JULIE: Thank you, Tina. I appreciate that, but I think Beth should promise to be nice to everyone if she wants to stay.

BETH: I shouldn't promise what I can't do.

JULIE: Then maybe you better pack an overnight bag.

BETH: Hey, this is my house too.

JULIE: Only if you pay your rent on time.

BETH: I'm only three months behind.

JULIE: Where is your money going to anyway? You have a job down at the electronics store still don't you?

BETH: What do you mean "still"?

JULIE: You haven't exactly had the most stable job history.

BETH: That's because I have my priorities. The rodeo comes first.

JULIE: When are you ever going to give up playing rodeo?

BETH: I'm not playing. I've made some serious money when I've won.

JULIE: And you havenï¿½t won in two years.

BETH: I'm planning a comeback. Meanwhile, I'm making decent money at the electronics store. Joe says he might make me assistant manager.

JULIE: If you sleep with him.

BETH: I'm considering it. Joe ain't that bad.

JULIE: Beth, youï¿½re way better than that. You're smart. You don't have to sink that low.

BETH: Smart huh? I haven't been called smart since high school. Sure, I got the same kind of grades you did back then, but my brain has been rotting away down here while yours was getting educated.

TINA: And those kicks to the head by them bulls at the rodeo haven't helped either.

JULIE: You could go back to school you know.

BETH: What for? All us girls do is get married and mooch off our husbands anyway. Why get educated?

TINA: Too true.

JULIE: I'm going to have to work on your attitudes. Maybe that's why I ended up back here. I'm meant to help give women a new outlook.

BETH: You can help by figuring out what I did to my bank account.

JULIE: So where is all your money going?

BETH: I think itï¿½s because Iï¿½m still paying off my car stereo.

JULIE: Your car doesn't even run. It's on cinder blocks.

BETH: I'm gradually paying to have it fixed up.

JULIE: And you started with the stereo?

BETH: That is vital to every car that is worth its salt.

JULIE: Unbelievable.

TINA: It is a nice stereo though.

BETH: You know itï¿½s good when you canï¿½t hear for an hour after using it.

JULIE: So what do you guys think of Jacob so far?

TINA: Oh, Jacob is so sweet. Those flowers are beautiful. I haven't been given flowers since, I can't remember when.

BETH: I think JJ gave you some left over flowers from his great uncle's funeral.

TINA: That's right. Those smelled funny though. Jacob's flowers smell nice.

JULIE: Speaking of JJ, do you think you could maybe keep him somewhere else for a few days?

TINA: What do you mean?

JULIE: I'm afraid JJ and Jacob may not get along.

TINA: JJ gets along with everybody. I bet they'll like each other.

BETH: This I seriously doubt.

TINA: Why are you both so hard on JJ? He's a good man.

BETH: Yeah, he's great right now. Cause he ain't here.

JJ: (Enters) Hey, babes.

BETH: I jinxed it.

TINA: JJ, honey?

JJ: Got some beer?

TINA: In a minute, can I ask you something?

JJ: More talking? Man, what's with you?

TINA: I was telling Julie and Beth that you are the kind of guy who can get along with everybody. That's right isn't it?

JJ: Sure, except for them hippie, pinko, commie, city slickers. I eat them for lunch.

TINA: (Looks at BETH and JULIE) Okay, JJ and I will make ourselves invisible for a few days.

JJ: What for?

TINA: Well, uhï¿½

BETH: See, Tina keeps saying how much she has missed seeing you lately since you've been doing the night shift at the barnyard and she wants to have some quality time.

JJ: Quality time? Does that mean more talking?

BETH: Nope. No talking at all.

JJ: (Grins) You mean smooching?

BETH: Lots of smooching. You can even use my car.

JJ: Boy, howdy. She's got a good stereo in there too. Let's go, babe.

TINA: You run on ahead and find us some good tunes. I'll be out in a minute.

JJ: Whatever you say, babe. (JJ exits)

JULIE: That was a close one.

JACOB: (Comes out in a store-bought cowboy) Howdy.

JULIE: Howdy, Jacob.

BETH: Jake.

JACOB: Jake?

JULIE: We thought you'd better go by Jake.

JACOB: That would probably be better than the name I thought up.

TINA: What's that?

JACOB: Tex Ranger. (Girls laugh)

BETH: Between the name and the outfit, I don't think you're going to survive too long outside this house.

JACOB: What's wrong with my outfit?

BETH: What isn't wrong with it?

JULIE: It was a nice try but it looks like you've never been near a barn your whole life.

JACOB: Well, I haven't.

BETH: We know that but we can't let Julie's family know that.

JACOB: I guess I do kind of stand out.

BETH: Like a boil on a baby's butt. (Takes his hat) First we gotta make the hat look like it's been around. (Stomps on it)

JACOB: Hey! That was expensive.

BETH: And lose the bolo.

JACOB: I like the bolo. These stones are real.

BETH: I'm so impressed. And so will the guy who strangles you with it.

JACOB: You have to like the belt buckle. I bought the biggest one I could find.

ALL: (Read) "I'm a Cowboy."

BETH: I'm glad somebody thinks so.

JACOB: Is this really all that bad?

JULIE: I'm afraid so.

JACOB: I'm sorry, Julie. I tried.

JULIE: I shouldn't make you try to be something you aren't. That isn't fair of me. You're a wonderful man. I should be telling everyone how excited I am about you. I shouldn't be trying to hide who you really are.

JACOB: Thanks, Julie.

BETH: Then again, you don't want someone shooting him either.

JACOB: True.

JULIE: Let's forget it. I can't do this to Jacob. If they can't accept him for what he is, then they can lump it.

BETH: Yeah, you're Pa's a real understanding guy. Remember the time he went after the guy with his 22 because he told your Pa he thought the NRA was stupid. I haven't seen him since.

TINA: Can you believe it? Who in their right mind would say the NRA was dumb?

JULIE: Uh, Tina. Jacob led a whole letter writing campaign to ask Congress to ban assault riffles.

TINA: You're kidding. And you still want to date him?

BETH: Don't spread that bit of news around. I think there are more assault rifles around town than in the army.

JACOB: Maybe we should reconsider our "take me as I am" idea.

JULIE: I can't make you do that.

JACOB: On the other hand, I don't want to leave town in a box.

BETH: Don't worry. If they went after you, they wouldn't be able to find the body.

JACOB: Maybe I should go while I still can.

TINA: Are you communist?

JULIE: Tina, please.

JACOB: Why? They don't like communists either?

BETH: Do cows like eggs up their butts?

JULIE: What is with all the butt jokes?

BETH: JJ was here. I got butts on the mind.

TINA: He does have a nice one.

BETH: I was talking about the one on his shoulders.

TINA: He doesn't have a butt on his shoulders.

BETH: Never mind, Tina.

TINA: Hey, were you calling him a butthead?

BETH: Hey, everyone. She caught up.

JULIE: Would you two go somewhere else and have this conversation?

BETH: Come on, Tina. Let's leave these two alone.

TINA: I can't believe you called him a butthead.

BETH: Let it go, Tina. (TINA goes L) I think I liked it better when she didn't get my jokes. (BETH exits L)

JULIE: I'm sorry I didn't warn you earlier about all of this.

JACOB: I was wondering why you didn't want me to come. I thought maybe you were trying to tell me things were over.

JULIE: No, never. I was just afraid what you'd think of me if you saw where I came from. (BETH enters again to get a magazine)

JACOB: Nothing could make me change my mind about you.

BETH: Except maybe her daddy's gun.

JULIE: (Annoyed) Beth.

BETH: I'm going. I'm going. (Exits R)

JULIE: I wish I hadn't taken this job. I didn't realize it would take so much of my time.

JACOB: I know. That's why I wanted to come down and see you.

JULIE: I'm so glad you did. (They sit on sofa together)

JACOB: So did you miss old Tex?

JULIE: More than a fly misses a cowpie.

JACOB: Is that good or bad?

JULIE: Depends on who you are.

JACOB: I don't know. Who should I be? Tex, Jacob, or Jake?

JULIE: Maybe I'll have to try kissing each of you to see which one I like best.

JACOB: (Stands. Acts like Tex/John Wayne) Well, I reccon I'll give that a try. (Spit) Give old Tex a little smooch.

JULIE: (Pushes him away, laughing) Next.

JACOB: Well, I'm not sure if this is Jacob or Jake, but let's give this one a try.

(They kiss)

JULIE: I don't know who it was either, but I like him. (They kiss again)

TINA: (Comes in. Sees them. Leans on back of sofa) Well.... (JACOB and JULIE are startled by her) At least he kisses like a redneck.

JACOB: Thanks. I think.

JULIE: Now, the toughest challenge is Daddy.

JACOB: Maybe I shouldn't meet him yet. I don't seem to have the hang of this.

JULIE: You have to do it and some point...

TINA: Unless you're not really interested in Julie.

JACOB: Of course I am! (BETH reenters)

TINA: Then, you better meet her Pa. No couple can survive without the blessing of their parents.

JULIE: So your parents approve of JJ?

TINA: Sure. We grew up together. He's like family.

BETH: That's cause he is family.

TINA: He's only a second cousin.

BETH: They met at a family reunion.

TINA: We did not. That was my sister and her boyfriend.

BETH: Oh, sorry, my mistake.

JACOB: You can't be serious.

JULIE: We're not kidding. Everyone in this town is related.

JACOB: Everyone?

JULIE: Let's just say when we have a family reunion, everyone in town comes.

JACOB: Scary.

JULIE: Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

JACOB: No, this was a great idea. I want you to get on the phone and call your dad now. Invite him over and I'll cook him my best gourmet meal.

TINA: Gore-mey?

BETH: You can cook?

JULIE: Just make sure there's some meat in it.

JACOB: Prepare to be dazzled.

BETH: You better change first though. A little less store bought cowboy please.

JULIE: I'll help you.

JACOB: Sounds good. (JACOB and JULIE exit)

TINA: Aren't they the cutest couple?

BETH: Julie's Pa is going to eat him alive.

TINA: But he gave us flowers.

BETH: How many guys around here go around giving out flowers?

TINA: Not many.

BETH: A man who cooks. He's in big trouble.

TINA: I didn't think men were allowed to cook.

BETH: If Julie's father sees this guy, he's gonna freak.

TINA: Poor Julie.

BETH: Come on. (Starts toward door) I've got a plan.

TINA: (Doesn't move) Where are we going?

BETH: I've got a plan to save Jacob.

TINA: I love a good plan. (Pause) What are we planning again?

BETH: We have to do something to help him get ready for a visit from Julie's dad.

TINA: Like what?

BETH: You know those costumes we have stored in the shed, the ones you and I helped make for the town melodrama?

TINA: The ones you said not to touch after JJ and I played dress up?

BETH: Those are the ones.

TINA: You mean weï¿½re going to play dress up.

BETH: Sort of. You are going to dress up as Julie's grandma and Iï¿½m going to dress up as her Pa.

TINA: What for?

BETH: We're going to give Jake a trial run.

TINA: A trial? Like Perry Mason?

BETH: No, more like a practice before the big performance. A dress rehearsal.

TINA: Do you think he'll get mad at us for fooling him?

BETH: Maybe a little, but heï¿½ll thank us for it later.

TINA: If you're sure.

BETH: I'm sure.

TINA: This could be fun. (JJ enters)

JJ: Woman! I've been waiting out in that car for who knows how long. There's only so much you can do in there alone.

BETH: Didn't find anything decent to listen to on my stereo?

JJ: What stereo?

BETH: What do you mean, what stereo?

JJ: I hate to tell you, but there's just a big hole in the dash where a stereo should be.

BETH: AH! My baby! (Runs out)

TINA: Thatï¿½s terrible. I canï¿½t believe somebody stole her stereo. And it,s only a week before she was going to buy that car alarm.

JJ: (Chuckles) Don't worry. I was only kidding. Nobody took her stereo.

TINA: (Giggles) Oh, JJ. Youï¿½re such a kidder. You realize you better get out of here before she realized you lied to her.

JJ: Iï¿½m not afraid of her.

BETH: (Off. Screams) JJ!

JJ: Gotta go. (Heads for the kitchen) Mind if I grab a beer on my way out. (Exits)

BETH: (Enters) Where is he?

TINA: Who?

BETH: Youï¿½re good for nothing, stinking, lying boyfriend. My foot has an appointment with his butt!

JULIE: (Enters) Whatï¿½s going on in here?

TINA: Beth and JJ are playing around.

BETH: Yeah, Iï¿½m playing kill the idiot.

JULIE: What did JJ do now?

BETH: He lied about my stereo being ripped off.

JULIE: Youï¿½re this worked up over a lieï¿½ and youï¿½re stereo is okay. And you give me a hard time about being worked up over nothing.

TINA: She has a point.

BETH: Stay out of this.

JJ: (Enters with a couple of beers) I come in peace, bringing beer.

JULIE: You be nice, Beth. (JULIE exits)

JJ: These here are the last two beers and I saved one for you.

TINA: The last two? But I bought a bunch yesterday.

JJ: I was having a drinking contest with myself in your kitchen last night.

BETH: Keep drinking all our beer and weï¿½re going to buy nothing but wine coolers from now on.

JJ: You wouldnï¿½t.

BETH: How does Kiwi Strawberry sound?

JJ: Horrible.

BETH: Then Iï¿½ve got to add that to my shopping list.

TINA: (Steps between JJ and BETH) Okay, Iï¿½m ready for some smooching. Letï¿½s go, Jellybean.

JJ: Thereï¿½s something weird going on here today.

TINA: Hurry. My lips are getting cold.

BETH: Iï¿½ll meet you in a few minutes with the costumes.

JJ: Say what?

TINA: Never you mind. (TINA and JJ exit)

(JULIE and JACOB reenter. JACOB is wearing a frilly apron)

BETH: Nice apron, Jake. Iï¿½ll pay you $20 to wear that down to the bar.

JULIE: Donï¿½t you have somewhere to be?

BETH: Actually I do. (Exits)

JULIE: I hate when she gets that tone of voice. Sheï¿½s up to something.

JACOB: I think everything is on this list that I need for the recipe.

JULIE: I will be right back then.

JACOB: I really appreciate you going to get all that. Do you think youï¿½ll be able to find all those spices? Some are kind of unusual.

JULIE: I think our neighbor Mrs. Mac has most of them. Sheï¿½s an amazing cook. I donï¿½t think thereï¿½s anything she canï¿½t whip up. She makes the best baked pole cat this side of the Mississippi. (JACOB gives her a look) Iï¿½m kidding.

JACOB: Thank goodness. Itï¿½s bad enough cooking meat when youï¿½re a vegetarian but cooking a catï¿½ Yow.

JULIE: Actually a pole cat is a skunk.

JACOB: Thatï¿½s even worse.

JULIE: Now, I didnï¿½t say people didnï¿½t cook cats.

JACOB: You are too funny.

JULIE: I better get going or weï¿½ll never get dinner ready.

JACOB: If itï¿½s too much trouble I can try experimenting with some other spices.

JULIE: I think the only spices in our kitchen are salt and pepper and maybe Tabasco.

JACOB: I guess that might be hard to pull off.

JULIE: I only have to go right next door. No big deal.

JACOB: You sure you donï¿½t want me to go.

JULIE: (Sized up JACOB in his apron and store-bought cowboy look) No, I better go for us. And donï¿½t forget to change out of that outfit. Can you hold down the fort for me while Iï¿½m gone?

JACOB: Sure. What could go wrong?

JULIE: I can think a million thingsï¿½ and then some more.

JACOB: Donï¿½t worry, Julie. I have a feeling everything is going to turn out great.

JULIE: I wish I could stop worrying. But I know the people around here and I know my Pa and nothing ever turns out right for me.

JACOB: Think positive. Imagine world peace.

JULIE: I think I need to imagine a good day. That would be good enough for me.

JACOB: Before you go, can I ask you a question?

JULIE: Sure.

JACOB: This is the first time Iï¿½ve observed you in your natural habitat and I have to admit youï¿½re a very different person.

JULIE: (worried) Oh?

JACOB: In the city, youï¿½re confident and up for any kind of challenge. Here youï¿½re timid and almost afraid. (He can see JULIE is upset) Now I donï¿½t love you any less for it, please donï¿½t think thatï¿½s what Iï¿½m saying. In fact, it means a lot to me that youï¿½re willing to show your vulnerable side.

JULIE: I have been so worried about how youï¿½d react to the nervous wreck side of me.

JACOB: I love her just as much as the other Julie. In fact this side of you makes me feel needed, like you need me to take care of you.

JULIE: Is that good or bad?

JACOB: Good. Very good. (They kiss)

JULIE: Thanks, Jacob.

JACOB: Can I ask you something else?

JULIE: Sure.

JACOB: If this town and your family ties you up in knots like this, why did you come back again?

JULIE: For some reason, no matter how poorly Iï¿½m made to feel, I feel some strange connection to this town. Itï¿½s probably some elaborate form of brain washing, but it didnï¿½t take my father much time to convince me to return. He really did need my help though.

JACOB: With his laundry?

JULIE: Not just that. He really needed to know that he hadnï¿½t been rejected by me after mom left.

JACOB: Thatï¿½s amazing, Julie. I know so many people in the city who think the ultimate act of kindness is putting their parents in a home. What youï¿½re doing seems much more civilized. Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned from the little people.

JULIE: Please donï¿½t let my daddy hear you call him the ï¿½little people.ï¿½

JACOB: How about ï¿½country bumpkinsï¿½ or ï¿½hicks from the sticksï¿½?

JULIE: How about neither.

JACOB: I was kidding.

JULIE: I hope so.

JACOB: (Kisses her on the forehead) Run along to the store and get those things for me and Iï¿½ll whip us up a meal youï¿½ll never forget.

JULIE: I certainly can agree that someone is going to whip up something.

JACOB: Think positive. Now go. I have a masterpiece to prepare.

(JULIE exits out front as JACOB returns to kitchen. BETH comes out in a fake beard and TINA comes out in a granny wig. They are dressed up to fit their parts)

BETH: Good, Julieï¿½s gone. That leaves Jacob alone in the kitchen. Julie will be gone for a while I think. You ready?

TINA: Who am I again?

BETH: (rolls her eyes) Julieï¿½s grandma.

TINA: But she doesnï¿½t look like this.

BETH: Jacob doesnï¿½t know that.

TINA: Oh, right. Letï¿½s go get him and tell him Julieï¿½s family is here.

BETH: No, stupid. We need to come through the front door like we are her kin.

TINA: But weï¿½re already inside.

BETH: Why do things always have to be so difficult with you?

TINA: Now tell me who you are again? (Drags TINA out front door)

JACOB: (Comes out) Is somebody here? (Knock at door) I wonder who that is. Beth? Tina? I guess theyï¿½re gone too. (Opens door) Can I help you?

BETH: (as PA) Who is you?

JACOB: Iï¿½m Jacobï¿½ Julieï¿½s friend.

BETH: Friend? What kind of friend?

TINA: (as Grannie) The kind of friend who wears a frilly apron.

JACOB: (Takes it off) Oh, sorry about that. I was cookingï¿½

TINA: Cooking? A man cooking?

JACOB: Can I help you?

BETH: Yes, weï¿½re looking for our daughter, Julie.

JACOB: Oh, Julie went to the neighborï¿½s house for something.

BETH: And youï¿½re Julieï¿½s friend.

TINA: You mean Julieï¿½s boyfriend?

BETH: I didnï¿½t know she had a boyfriend.

TINA: You donï¿½t look like youï¿½re from around here.

JACOB: Well, Iï¿½m not. Iï¿½m down for a visit.

JJ: (Enters) Iï¿½m here for some beer, baby! (Stops when he sees them) Hey, everybodyï¿½ whatï¿½sï¿½ (Sees BETH and TINA) What are you two doing?

TINA: Oh, hi there, JJ. Why donï¿½t we step outside a minute?

JJ: Why donï¿½t you give me a big kiss, Granny? (JJ kisses TINA who struggles a little and then gives in)

BETH: (Normal voice) Will you two knock it off?

JACOB: Okay, I can see whatï¿½s going on here. (Pulls off BETH and TINAï¿½s disguises and laughs) You two were so funny. I knew something was up the minute I saw you.

JJ: Whoï¿½s this sissy boy?

JACOB: Sissy boy? Ha. Too funny.

JJ: I didnï¿½t say nothing funny.

JACOB: You donï¿½t have to say anything funny. Just looking at you is funny enough. You two should have had him help you with your outfits.

JJ: Hey, nowï¿½

JACOB: Let me guessï¿½ you must be Julieï¿½s brotherï¿½ no cousinï¿½ no uncleï¿½ no wait. Around here itï¿½s all pretty much the same thing isnï¿½t it? (Laughs)

JJ: You looking for a busin, buddy? Cause I got myself a big can of woopass right here.

JACOB: (Referring to JJ) Your friend here put on the best act of all. (To JJ) You did the perfect redneck impression. In fact, you even make rednecks look stupid. You were so funny.

JJ: What the... You some kind of nut?

JACOB: He can't stop. He's hilarious.

JJ: Keep it up, funny boy, and I'll take you out back and teach you to sniff cow pies.

JACOB: (Laughs) You're killing me. (Laughs more)

BETH: Keep it up, Jake, and he will kill you.

JACOB: (Imitates) Iï¿½m here for some beer, baby. (Laughs)

JJ: (Grabs him) Now you die. (BETH and TINA scream and jump on JJ. They struggle to hold him back. JJ lets go of JACOB. JJ and girls spin around struggling. Looks like a rodeo. JACOB is laughing, thinking it's all for fun. They end up in kitchen)

JULIE: (Walks in. Sees mess) What's going on?

JACOB: (Still laughing) You're...(laughs)...friends. They're...(laughs)

(The sound of a frying pan connecting with JJï¿½s skull is heard. JJ stumbles out of the kitchen followed by BETH with a frying pan and TINA)

BETH: Rope. Where's a rope? (TINA grabs a rope off the wall)

JULIE: Rope?! What are you doing?

BETH: Julie. Oh, man. Julie. We...uh....

TINA: (Hands rope to BETH and points) He's waking up!!

BETH: I got him. (BETH ropes JJï¿½s arms and legs like a calf at the rodeo, then BETH drags JJ toward the kitchen with TINAï¿½s help) Iï¿½ll stick him in the backyard to cool off.

JULIE: Iï¿½m surprised we didnï¿½t tie up JJ long ago. (JACOB laughs more. TINA returns) What did he do?

TINA: He was trying to kill Jacob.

JULIE: What?!

TINA: Jacob thought JJ was pretending to be a redneck.

JULIE: Oh, no.

JACOB: (Stops laughing) Pretending?

JULIE: Jacob. JJ is always like that. (BETH returns)

JACOB: (Scared) You mean he always acts that way?

BETH: Unfortunately, yes.

JACOB: And I made him really mad.

BETH: As predicted, that was a combination that didnï¿½t work. Like pissing on an electric fence.

JACOB: (Starts toward kitchen) I better go apologize.

BETH: (They all stop him) No, no, no. You better let him cool off. Plus heï¿½s unconscious. I had to hit him on the head again.

TINA: Beth, you didnï¿½t.

BETH: He tried to bite me.

JULIE: Weï¿½ve got to do something with him. He canï¿½t stay out there until Jacob goes home.

BETH: Sure he can.

JACOB: I need to check on dinner

BETH: Donï¿½t unlock the back door.

JULIE: And honey? Please go change your clothes.

JACOB: Sure thing. (JACOB exits)

JULIE: This is a disaster. I canï¿½t image this day going any worse.

PA: (Enters in Confederate Civil War uniform) Howdy, ladies. (Everyone freezes) I sense some bad Karma in the air.

BETH: More like a bad omen. Whatï¿½s with the civil war outfit?

PA: Them waders were rubbing on me something awful. You should see the rash I got. (Reaches for pants)

JULIE: (Over top others) Daddy, no

TINA: (With JULIE and BETH) Oh, dear.

BETH: (With JULIE and TINA) No, no, no.

JULIE: Thatï¿½s okay dad. We believe you.

PA: So whenï¿½s my laundry getting done?

JULIE: Itï¿½s in the dryer now.

PA: As much as I like walking around the house naked, Iï¿½ve got to get out sometimes. And when I go out, it just donï¿½t feel proper without some undies.

BETH: We totally agree, sir.

TINA: Is that blood on your uniform?

PA: Yeahï¿½ Yankie blood. (JULIE gets worried) Iï¿½m only kiddingï¿½ a little. I got myself a Yankie coon last time we had one of our civil war reenactments.

BETH: You kill it with your bare hands?

PA: Naw, somebody else got it during the battle by accident and I fell on it. (Laughs) Of course, I played like I was really hurt. Accused those Yankies of using real bullets. You should have seen them shake in their boots over that one.

JULIE: Iï¿½ll go get your laundry for you. (Pulls BETH aside) Iï¿½ll warn, Jacob. Iï¿½ll have him go out the window and drive around until we can get rid of daddy. (Exits)

PA: Julieï¿½s in a tizzy. Whatï¿½s with her?

BETH: Rough day at work.

PA: But itï¿½s Saturday.

BETH: Uh, the bank had a special meeting.

PA: You gals are hiding something from me. You planning a party for me?

BETH: You could say that Julie has a big surprise for you.

PA: Oh, I like surprises.

JULIE: (Enters with laundry) Tina, JJ is still tied up out back. (Pulls TINA aside) Can you put something over him before the neighbors see?

TINA: Done. (Exits)

PA: JJï¿½s passed out drunk again, huh?

BETH: Well, heï¿½s passed out and heï¿½s always drunk, so yeah.

JULIE: (Gives laundry bag to PA) Hereï¿½s your laundry.

PA: (Works at pants) Mind if I put on some undies now?

BETH: Why are you always trying to take off your pants?

PA: Why? Do you like it?

BETH: I donï¿½t think no is descriptive enough to say how I feel.

PA: Fine, Iï¿½ll go change in the outhouse. (Starts to exit)

BETH: You mean our one and only bathroom right next door to your bedroom, Julie?

PA: You two are acting so weird. (Exits to kitchen)

JULIE: I better make sure he doesnï¿½t run into Jacob in the hall. (Exits to kitchen)

JACOB: (Appears at front door) Is the coast clear?

BETH: How did you end up out there?

JACOB: Julie sent me out her bedroom window while she ran interference with her father. I was going to drive around the block in my car until he left but I realized I left my car keys in here.

BETH: Where are they?

JACOB: In Julieï¿½s room.

JULIE: (Enters) What are you doing, Jacob? My father is going to see you.

JACOB: I need my car keys.

PA: (Off) You got any leftovers in this fridge?

JULIE: Iï¿½ll get your keys. Go wait by your car. Iï¿½ll come out my bedroom window and meet you. (Exits)

JACOB: Okay, weï¿½ll meet by the car. This is kind of exciting, isnï¿½t it? I feel like a naughty teenager.

BETH: Iï¿½m glad you think this is so fun. Julie is a nervous wreck.

JACOB: You think so? I hope this isnï¿½t causing her too much stress.

BETH: You have got her pretty worked up.

JACOB: I didnï¿½t realize this would be so hard on her.

BETH: Thatï¿½s why she didnï¿½t want you coming down here in the first place. Mixing up you and her Pa is like throwing a gas can on a bon fire.

JACOB: I donï¿½t get it. Why in the world would her father hate me so much?

BETH: Julie hasnï¿½t told you? Her ma ran off with a guy like you. Her pa was considered a liberal man up to that point. He even voted for a democrat once. But after her ma ran off with one of them Greenies, heï¿½s been conservative to the core. I donï¿½t think anyone hates a liberal more than him.

JACOB: Julieï¿½s told me some of this, but I havenï¿½t put it all together before.

BETH: Happy to enlighten you.

PA: (Enters) You guys got anything in here beside leftover deli chicken. (BETH and JACOB freeze) Hey, whoï¿½s this?

BETH: Uhï¿½

JACOB: Wellï¿½ Iï¿½mï¿½

BETH: This here isï¿½ a friend of mine.

PA: Hey, Beth. You got yourself a gentleman visitor, huh? Just when I thought you didnï¿½t like guys. (Turns to JACOB) So? Where you from?

BETH: Heï¿½s from the next county.

PA: Jeez, Beth. Let the guy speak for himself. You ainï¿½t gonna get yourself a man being all pushy like that.

BETH: I beg your pardon, kind sir.

PA: So, tell me about yourself.

JACOB: (Nervous) Iï¿½m from the next county.

PA: I think we established that.

JULIE: (Enters) Jacob, what are youï¿½

BETH: (Cuts off JULIE) Your Pa was getting to know MY friend Jake.

PA: Jake. Good solid name. Thatï¿½s short for Jacob, ainï¿½t it? (JACOB nods) Yeah, I like Jake much better. I knew this sissy boy once who called hisself Jacob. Jacob sounds like heï¿½s a little boy. Jake. Now thatï¿½s a manï¿½s name.

JULIE: Good. Now that you met Bethï¿½s friend, you probably should get going.

PA: Now, wait a minute. Iï¿½m just getting started. Iï¿½ve got to get to know the boyï¿½ (winks at BETH) so I can give a full report to your parents.

BETH: Oh, great.

PA: Tell me, Jake. What do you do for a living? (JACOB looks to BETH who shrugs)

JACOB: Iï¿½m a lawyer.

PA: A lawyer!

JACOB: (quieter) Yes.

PA: We were discussing that earlier today werenï¿½t we? Thatï¿½s a good job. Make a lot of money Iï¿½ll bet.

JACOB: Wellï¿½ (Looks at BETH who nods) Yes, I do okay.

PA: Okay? That boy is modest isnï¿½t he? I like that. (BETH looks pleased. JULIE is still nervous)

JACOB: I see you have a civil war uniform on. (BETH waves no but JACOB ignores her) I recognize it.

PA: You do?

JACOB: Iï¿½m a bit of a history buff myself. Thatï¿½s from Company D of the 5th Texas Mounted Rifles of Sibley's Battalion, isnï¿½t it?

PA: Thatï¿½s amazing, boy. Half the fellas I hang out with at the reenactments donï¿½t know that.

JACOB: I have a great memory.

PA: I image lawyers need to.

JACOB: You must be a part of the Picacho reenactment. Iï¿½ve seen that one before.

PA: Then youï¿½ve probably seen me in action.

JACOB: Probably.

PA: It seems like Iï¿½ve been doing that reenactment since the war ended.

JACOB: It looks like fun.

PA: Want to see my battle wound from last week? (Pulls up his shirt and shows JACOB his back. TINA looks too)

BETH: Who would have guessed?

JULIE: I feel like Iï¿½m in the Twilight Zone.

TINA: Hey, the scar looks like the mouth on a smiley face. You should get someone to tattoo some eyes on there.

JACOB: That wound looks like it was made by a Clauberg officerï¿½s saber.

PA: Amazing. Howï¿½d you know that?

JACOB: Swords are a hobby of mine. I mostly collect medieval swords, but I have a few from the civil war period.

PA: You have yourself quite a catch here, Beth. I think I have another sword wound around here somewhere. (Lifts pant leg) Letï¿½s see if you can guess what made this one.

BETH: (Aside to JULIE) Very impressive. Iï¿½m starting to really like this guy.

JULIE: (Annoyed) I hope so. Heï¿½s your guy. (BETH sees JULIE has had enough)

BETH: We should really get going, Jake.

JACOB: Okay.

PA: Where you going in such a hurry?

BETH: We have plans.

PA: What kind of plans?

BETH: Alone plans.

PA: (Stares down JACOB) You do, huh?

JACOB: Uhï¿½

PA: First, you have to tell me how you and Beth met. (Smiles) I love those meetinï¿½ stories. Was it a spark or a sputter when you met?

BETH: Definitely a spark.

PA: Hey, hey, hey! I was asking my boy here.

JACOB: A sputter?

PA: Ha! I knew it. Girlz. They have sparks. We have sputters. Except for that one time I went to the city and saw a genu-wine supermodel. I felt sparks then. (PA laughs and JACOB tries to laugh with him until he sees JULIEï¿½s killer stare and stops. PA has suspected it but now knows that JACOB is actually JULIEï¿½s but decides to still play along)

PA: Now, Iï¿½z got to see you kiss him, Beth. Otherwise I wonï¿½t believe any of this. Youï¿½ve been all acting really strange and Iï¿½m suspecting somethingï¿½s not right here. (JULIE shoots a look at BETH. JACOB looks like heï¿½s gonna die)

BETH: Uh, okay. (Nervously approaches JACOB who looks to JULIE who looks away. BETH gives JACOB a peck on the cheek)

PA: Ah, what was that?

TINA: What do you expect? They have some strange old man watching.

PA: Nope, Iï¿½m not leaving until I see a big old smooch.

JULIE: Fine. Give your boyfriend a big kiss, Beth.

BETH: (Aside) You sure?

JULIE: Do it. (BETH gives JACOB a big kiss. PA studies JULIE and then shrugs)

PA: Okay, Iï¿½m convinced. Thanks for doing my laundry. Sorry to cause you so much trouble.

JULIE: Itï¿½s no trouble, daddy.

PA: Somehow it does seem like I am causing lots of trouble for you. Iï¿½m sorry if you feel that way.

JULIE: (Turns away) Iï¿½ll see you later, daddy. (PA goes. JULIE has her face covered by her hand)

BETH: You okay, Julie?

JACOB: (Goes up to JULIE) Honey?

JULIE: Donï¿½t you ï¿½honeyï¿½ me. How could you pretend to be Bethï¿½s boyfriend?

BETH: It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. What if he didnï¿½t like Jacob?

JULIE: But he did like Jacob. (Approaches BETH) And you kissed Jacob. (Turns on JACOB and slugs him) And you look like you enjoyed it.

JACOB: I did not.

BETH: (A little offended) You didnï¿½t?

JULIE: This day has been a total disaster. And itï¿½s all your fault, Beth. I never should have listened to you.

BETH: My fault? I was only trying to help.

JULIE: You can help by packing your bags and getting out of here.

JACOB: Julie, please.

JULIE: You too. Pack your bags, both of you. Go get a room for all I care.

(JACOB wants to talk some more but TINA stops him)

TINA: Give her some time to cool off, okay?

JACOB: Julie, listen to me. Iï¿½m sorry I came here and ruined everything. I really am. I honestly didnï¿½t think this would be so hard.

JULIE: Just go. I donï¿½t want to talk about it.

JACOB: Iï¿½m sorry, but youï¿½re too important to me to run off like that. I care too much about you to give up. I would do anything for you. I will change anyway you want me to. Iï¿½m here because I love you more than anything else in this world. So youï¿½re stuck with me, Julie. There ainï¿½t nothing in heaven or earth that can make me leave this spot. (JULIE stands and embraces JACOB)

JJ: (Comes out with a flying pan in his hand) WHERE IS HE?!!!

JACOB: Except maybe that. (Runs out. JJ runs after him) Time to go.

TINA: JJ, no! (Runs after them)

ACT III

Scene 1

(Lights come up on JULIE and TINA who are really upset and BETH is comforting them)

BETH: The sheriff called. He says he took care of it.

JULIE: Thatï¿½s what Iï¿½m afraid of.

BETH: Theyï¿½ll be fine. Donï¿½t worry.

TINA: (hears sirens and runs to window) Itï¿½s JJ and Jacob.

BETH: (Goes to window) Whatï¿½s with them?

(JJ and JACOB enter arm in arm singing. They are far from sober)

JJ and JACOB: Oh, mamas, donï¿½t let your sons grow up to be cowboys.

BETH: Theyï¿½re drunk.

JULIE: Drunk?

TINA: What have you boys been doing?

JJ: The sheriff. He took us drinking.

JULIE: He did what?

JACOB: He said we needed to learn to get along.

JJ: And we didï¿½ after about a six pack.

JACOB: More like a twelve pack. (JJ laughs at JACOB) Then there was that six pack at the jail too.

JJ: Weï¿½s good friends now.

BETH: At least until they get sober.

JULIE: Come on, Jacob. Let me get you some coffee. (JULIE exits for coffee)

JJ: Could you put a little whisky in it? (JACOB laughs at JJ)

BETH: So whyï¿½d you stop your car when JJ was chasing you?

JACOB: I ran out of gas.

JJ: And I would have had him but the sheriff stopped us.

JACOB: Yeah, the sheriff found JJ pounding on my car with a frying pan. (Both of them laugh)

JJ: You should see the dents.

JACOB: Theyï¿½re soï¿½ round. (They laugh, give each other some playing punches on the arms and fall on the couch)

JJ: You know what Iï¿½m gonna do, Tina?

BETH: Donï¿½t you dare puke on our rug.

JJ: Iï¿½m gonna teach Jake here to be a regular home boy.

BETH: Well, nobody knows how to be a redneck better than JJ.

JACOB: JJï¿½s the man.

JULIE: Okay, Iï¿½ve got some coffee going. Why donï¿½t you guys come in here and have some? (JACOB and JJ help each other up and head for kitchen)

JACOB: Was that really your grandma at the bar?

JJ: Yeah, she can out drink any man, woman, or child in this town. I remember the time she had herself a keg at bingo. She hid it under the table and had this really long strawï¿½ (They exit to kitchen)

JULIE: I donï¿½t know about this. Iï¿½m not sure I like what Jacob is turning into.

TINA: Actually, Iï¿½m liking him better and better all the time. (Exits to kitchen)

JULIE: I have a terrible feeling about all this, Beth.

BETH: Come on. Iï¿½m sure things arenï¿½t as bad as they seem.

JULIE: They certainly couldnï¿½t get any worse. (Knock at door) Oh, no. Who is that?

BETH: (looks out window) Things just got worse. Itï¿½s your pa again.

JULIE: What is he doing back here? I did his laundry. (Realizes) Iï¿½ll bet he wants dinner.

BETH: Iï¿½ll sneak Jacob and JJ out the back door. (Heads for kitchen)

JULIE: Thanks. Thatï¿½s probably the best thing we can do for now. (BETH exits and JULIE opens the door and letï¿½s PA in) Hey, what are you doing back here so soon?

PA: Canï¿½t I drop by for a visit?

JULIE: Sure, itï¿½s just that things are kind of crazy right now. (Crash heard in kitchen)

PA: (Heads for kitchen) What was that?

JULIE: I think a couple of raccoons got in there. Beth and Tina are taking care of it.

PA: Coons! Iï¿½ll go get my gun.

JULIE: No, no, dad. No guns. Thatï¿½s okay.

PA: Ainï¿½t no problem that canï¿½t be solved with a gun, sweet pea. (Goes to kitchen door) Do I hear singing in there?

JULIE: (Grabs PA and leads him away from kitchen) Beth and Tina do that to calm the raccoons down so they can catch them.

PA: Sounds like guyï¿½s voices. Beth and Tina got their fellas in there?

JULIE: Well, uhï¿½ (JACOB, TINA, and JJ enter arm in arm singing)

JACOB, TINA, JJ: Happy Trails to youï¿½ Until we meet againï¿½ (BETH follows them out looking sheepishly at JULIE)

JJ: Look whoï¿½s here. Itï¿½s Julieï¿½s pa.

JACOB: (Goes up and shakes PAï¿½s hand) Howdy, partner.

JJ: (Aside to JULIE) I taught him to say that.

JULIE: Oh, joy. (Rushes to separate PA from JACOB)

PA: I believe we met earlier.

JACOB: But I wasnï¿½t myself before. This here is the real me. JJ has helped me discover my innerï¿½ cowboy.

JJ: Thatï¿½s right, brother. (JJ passes out on couch)

BETH: Looks more like he found his inner idiot.

JACOB: Iï¿½m just trying to be the man you want your daughter to marry. I can scratchï¿½ (scratches) ï¿½ spitï¿½ (Spits) ï¿½ and belchï¿½ (tries to belch) ï¿½like the rest of ï¿½em.

PA: (Playing dumb) Wait a gawl-darn minute. Did you say marry my daughter? I thought you were Bethï¿½s guy?

JULIE: I can explain that, daddyï¿½

JACOB: Nope, Julie. You let me do the talkinï¿½ and donï¿½t worry your pretty little head. See a man should do all the talkinï¿½ for his gal, right sir?

PA: Wellï¿½

JACOB: See, Julie here was ashamed of me the way I was before.

JULIE: Jacob, no.

JACOB: Hush, woman. Iï¿½m tellinï¿½ the story.

PA: (Grabs JACOB by the shoulder) Son?

JACOB: Yes, sir?

PA: I think I liked you better beforeï¿½ even though you lied to me.

JACOB: But isnï¿½t this what you want? (To everyone) Isnï¿½t this what all of you wanted me to become? (To JULIE) I was only trying to make you happy.

PA: Why doesnï¿½t someone take him and get him some coffee and we can talk some more later about all this?

BETH: (Goes to JACOB) Come on, Tex. Time to ride off into the sunset. (Steers JACOB back to kitchen)

TINA: (Gets JJ off the couch and back to kitchen too) Come on, JJ. Letï¿½s saddle up too.

JJ: (Smacks her on rear) Yee-haw! (They all exit leaving PA and JULIE looking upset)

PA: I didnï¿½t think there was another man alive like JJ. Iï¿½m sorry to see that there is another one now.

JULIE: Oh, Jacobï¿½s not that bad, really. He justï¿½ well he wanted to be someone youï¿½d like.

PA: Whyï¿½d you ever think Iï¿½d want someone like JJ?

JULIE: I wasnï¿½t sure. We never really talked about it before. I just assumed.

PA: Iï¿½ve always thought youï¿½d hook up with a city boy and thatï¿½s probably the best thing you could do.

JULIE: Really?

PA: Yeah, them city boys have a future. Theyï¿½s gonna make something of themselves. The boys here just gonna find themselves doing the same dead end jobs their pappies is doing. There ainï¿½t no future here. Thatï¿½s why I sent you to college. So youï¿½d have a future. Donï¿½t get me wrong. I love having you here. But you never would have got that great job at our bank if you didnï¿½t have that college degree.

JULIE: Iï¿½d probably still be a waitress otherwise.

PA: Donï¿½t waste your time with these boys around here. Theyï¿½re trouble. Besides, most of them are related anyway. (They laugh) The gene pool here is getting a little too shallow. We need some new blood.

JULIE: (Hugs PA) Thanks, daddy. (Looks upset) But Jacob made a total fool of himself. Iï¿½m not sure I like him very much right now.

PA: Give him a break, sweat pea. Boyz do some pretty foolish things when theyï¿½re in love. (Pulls out an envelope) Here, I wanted to drop off this letter from your college. It got sent to our house by mistake. Looks important.

JULIE: (opens it) Letï¿½s see. It is important. Iï¿½ve been accepted to their graduate program. Theyï¿½re offering me funding too.

PA: (hugs her) Thatï¿½s great. Go back up there are get yourself another man if you want to.

JULIE: Itï¿½s an education Iï¿½m looking for, daddy. Not a man.

PA: Guess I better go. Looks like you have enough on your plate. I just came by to drop off that letter.

JULIE: Thanks, daddy.

PA: Iï¿½ll come by some time this week and take you to dinner to celebrate. (PA exits)

JULIE: Okay. Good-bye. (Shuts door. She goes to couch silently and plops down, totally drained)

BETH: (Peeks out) The coast is clear.

JACOB: (Comes out upset ï¿½ head hurting) Julie? (Goes to her) Everything okay?

JULIE: Not really. You acted like a total creep.

JACOB: (Falls onto couch) Oh, great. But I thought thatï¿½s what he wanted.

JULIE: So did I. But no, he doesnï¿½t want me to have anything to do with the rednecks around here. He wants me to find a nice city boy.

JACOB: Hey, thatï¿½s good isnï¿½t it?

JULIE: But now youï¿½re acting like a stupid redneck.

BETH: (Gets an idea) I know. Tell him that was Jacobï¿½s twin brother named Tex. Tell them Tex introduced you to Jacob.

JULIE: My father isnï¿½t stupid. He isnï¿½t going to fall for something like that.

JACOB: I guess I never should have come huh? I better head back home.

JULIE: Yeah, you better. (JACOB gets up. Looks at JULIE a moment and then he heads to kitchen and exits)

BETH: What? Youï¿½re just going to let him go.

JULIE: I am.

BETH: This canï¿½t be it. It canï¿½t end this way.

JULIE: It can and it will. Iï¿½m going out.

BETH: Arenï¿½t you even going to tell Jacob good-bye?

JULIE: Nope. (Exits out front door)

TINA: (Comes out) Jacob is packing his bags. Is he leaving?

BETH: He and Julie had a fight.

TINA: This is terrible. Weï¿½ve really messed things up, havenï¿½t we?

BETH: We?

TINA: If we hadnï¿½t stuck our noses in Julieï¿½s business, maybe none of this would have happened.

BETH: Fine. Yes, I think we may have messed up a little, but your JJ sure didnï¿½t make things any easier.

TINA: I know. I am so mad at JJ.

BETH: You are? But you never get mad at him.

TINA: Well, I am this time.

BETH: But you didnï¿½t even get mad at him that time he got naked at your sisterï¿½s wedding and rolled in the wedding cake.

TINA: I never liked that sister very muchï¿½ But Julie I do likeï¿½ a lot. It kills me to think we may have made her so unhappy.

BETH: I donï¿½t think Iï¿½ve ever seen her so upset before.

JJ: You know what? Beer and coffee is pretty good together.

TINA: Jamie Jean Beanï¿½

JJ: Ah, woman. Donï¿½t use my full name. You sound like my mother.

BETH: Jamie? Jamie Jean?

TINA: You are in such big trouble.

BETH: I always wondered what JJ stood for.

JJ: What did I do?

TINA: You made my best friend in the whole world sad.

JJ: I thought I was your best friend.

TINA: Not any more. You are the total opposite of my best friend now.

JJ: Holy cow, woman. What in the world has come over you?

TINA: Youï¿½ve come over me. I am so tired of you acting likeï¿½

JJ: Like a what?

TINA: A redneck!

JJ: But I thought you liked me the way I am.

TINA: Not any more. Not when it means youï¿½re gonna hurt my friends and make them unhappy.

JJ: Oh, boo hoo. Did I hurt Julieï¿½s feelings?

TINA: See, thatï¿½s exactly what Iï¿½m talking about. Why do you have to be so mean?

JJ: Iï¿½m not mean.

TINA: Yes, you are. You donï¿½t care about nothing. At least try to be a little sensitive once in a while.

JJ: Iï¿½m sensitive.

TINA: No, you arenï¿½t. Remember that time my kitty died.

JJ: (Chuckles) Yeah.

TINA: Itï¿½s not funny.

JJ: It was a little funny. He got his paw stuck on that electric fence. He was likeï¿½ (imitates cat being electrocuted)

TINA: (Sobs) He was my precious pussy.

JJ: (Laughs) Hee, hee. You said pussy.

TINA: And why do you have to act so stupid all the time?

JJ: Hey, now.

TINA: Why canï¿½t you act smart like Jacob?

JJ: You ainï¿½t ever wanted me to be smart before. Have you always felt like this?

TINA: Ever since you dropped out of school?

JJ: Thatï¿½s been a long time. How come you never told me any of this before?

TINA: Because Iï¿½ve never had the guts to do it. But now I see itï¿½s okay if I think my own thoughts and have my own things to say thanks to Julie and Beth.

JJ: Gee, thanks Beth.

BETH: Leave me out of this.

TINA: I now know that a woman doesnï¿½t have to be stupid to be loved.

JJ: Not in this town. As long as youï¿½re here, babe, you have to play by my rules.

TINA: That does it. Get out of my house.

JJ: Iï¿½m not leaving until you stop all this crazy talk.

TINA: Fine. Then Iï¿½ll leave. Good-bye. (Exits)

JJ: What is going on?

BETH: Itï¿½s been quite a day.

JJ: You go out there and tell her to come back and talk to me.

BETH: Iï¿½m going out there, but I ainï¿½t telling her nothing for you. You and Jacob better get out of this house before Julie and Tina decide to burn it down with you two in it. (BETH exits)

JACOB: (Enters with bags) Julie here?

JJ: Ainï¿½t nobody here but us losers.

JACOB: What?

JJ: Tina left me.

JACOB: She did? Why?

JJ: She said I was mean and I needed to be more sensitive. And she said I was dumb and needed to be more like you.

JACOB: (Laughs) Thereï¿½s some irony for you.

JJ: Huh?

JACOB: They were working so hard to make me like you and then they turn around and want two guys like me instead.

JJ: Thatï¿½s irony huh? I always wondered what it was. I guess I should write that down or something. (Finds a pen and canï¿½t find paper) Thatï¿½s what smart guys do right? They write things down. (Writes it on his hand).

JACOB: Women are so hard to figure out.

JJ: Youï¿½re telling me. I swear both of them have gone hormonal on us. One woman during that time of the month is bad enough but twoï¿½ watch out.

JACOB: Actually women do get on the same cycle when they live togetherï¿½

JJ: (Fascinated) No way?

JACOB: Some anthropologists believe this was a way to keep one woman from getting the edge over another woman. If they both are moody at the same time and then interested in mating at the same time, one woman wouldnï¿½t have the edge. This would support the theory that a man should have multiple partners.

JJ: Multiple partners? You mean like more than one chic at a time? Boy, howdy. Why didnï¿½t they talk about this stuff in school? Then I might have made it past the eighth grade.

JACOB: College is way more interesting than high school.

JJ: Maybe I should give college a chance after all. (Pause) What am I saying? College? Me? That will never happen.

JACOB: It could.

JJ: I shovel cow poop for a living. I didnï¿½t even finish high school. I donï¿½t have a chance.

JACOB: You could get your GED. I could help.

JJ: Focus, man. Donï¿½t you city guys think about anything but book learning? Our gals have gone astray and all you can think about is curling up with a good book.

JACOB: Sorry.

JJ: Thatï¿½s okay. But next time you start thinking about college, Iï¿½ve got a good magazine hidden under the couch here to get you back on track. Now, how we gonna get our gals back?

JACOB: Weï¿½ll romance them!

JJ: How we gonna do that?

JACOB: Iï¿½ll cook them up something special. Some candle-light, a little wine, some songï¿½

JJ: Naw, we need something more excitingï¿½ more dramaticï¿½

JACOB: How about poetry?

JJ: Poetry?

JACOB: Something by Shakespeare.

JJ: Shakes-beer. I like the sound of that. But they wonï¿½t let us near them.

JACOB: Then we have to make them listen. Is there some place in town that everybody goes?

JJ: What about some place that everyone can see?

JACOB: That would work.

JJ: What about the TV station across the street? Everybody watches channel 10. (Turns on TV) Take a look.

JACOB: (Looks at TV) What is that?

JJ: Thatï¿½s Aunt Lu Lu and her dancing chickens.

JACOB: But theyï¿½re not dancing.

JJ: Oh, thatï¿½s not good.

JACOB: Why, what happens when the chickens donï¿½t dance?

JJ: Here it comes.

JACOB: (Cringes) Oh, thatï¿½s disgusting.

JJ: That chicken is dancing now.

JACOB: Disgusting.

JJ: No, thatï¿½s entertainment.

JACOB: You think theyï¿½d let us broadcast?

JJ: For money they would. (Checks pockets) I got $20 bucks.

JACOB: How much time would that get us?

JJ: About a minute. But that would be enough time to shout ï¿½We love you!ï¿½

JACOB: No, we need longer. (Pulls out cell phone) What is their number?

JJ: 555-ch10.

JACOB: Hello? Channel 10? I want to rent some air timeï¿½ right nowï¿½ I canï¿½t? Would a thousand dollars convince you to take the night off? (Smiles) Sure, I know how to run a TV camera. I took a class in collegeï¿½ Okayï¿½ JJ will be right over to get the camera.

JJ: This is so cool.

JACOB: (Pulls out checkbook) Iï¿½m writing them a check for a thousand dollars. Tell them that we want a camera crew over here pronto. And Iï¿½ll keep giving them more money until it works.

JJ: It must be cool to be rich.

JACOB: Iï¿½m not rich but this is worth it. I guess no donation for the Weeval Bug South American Fund this month.

JJ: Is this check any good? I donï¿½t know if theyï¿½ll take it.

JACOB: (Pulls out wallet) Give them a couple hundred in cash too.

JJ: Cool. (Exits)

JACOB: Now I have to get this place cleaned upï¿½

BETH: (Enters) What are you still doing here?

JACOB: JJ and I have a plan to win Julie and Tina back.

BETH: Oh, really? Iï¿½ve got to hear this.

JACOB: Weï¿½re going to take over channel 10 until Julie and Tina come back to us.

BETH: That could take awhile.

JACOB: Could you tell Julie and Tina to turn on channel 10?

BETH: Iï¿½ll tell them but I donï¿½t know if theyï¿½ll listen.

JACOB: Channel 10 just went dead. JJ must have gotten the camera. I have to go get some stuff from the kitchen. Please call and tell them. (Exits)

BETH: (Picks up phone and calls) This is too unreal. Tina? Youï¿½ll never believe what JJ and Jacob are doing? They are taking over channel 10ï¿½ I donï¿½t know how, by gunpoint maybeï¿½ They say theyï¿½re taking over until you guys take them backï¿½ I donï¿½t know what theyï¿½ll doï¿½ maybe theyï¿½ll kill themselves if weï¿½re luckyï¿½ Agnes? Are you on the line too? You know what I told you about listening to private conversationsï¿½ (Hangs up phone)

JJ: (Enters with camera) I got the camera. (Sees BETH) Hey, is Tina back?

BETH: No, the gals sent me to see if you two were gone. No such luck.

JJ: Whereï¿½s Jake?

JACOB: (Enters with a bunch of cooking stuff) Iï¿½m going to do a cooking show first and then a poetry hourï¿½

BETH: And then weï¿½ll see how many guys show up here to pound the pansy.

JACOB: Excuse us. We have some romancing to do.

JJ: (Drops camera) Ooops. You think itï¿½s okay.

JACOB: Thereï¿½s one way to find out. Get ready, JJ. (Sets up camera on tripod and points it at couch).

JJ: You mean Iï¿½m first?

JACOB: Do you have something to say?

JJ: Yeahï¿½ I think I do.

BETH: This I got to see.

JACOB: Itï¿½s working. Weï¿½re live.

JJ: Ha! Iï¿½m on TV. (Makes faces at TV)

BETH: Wow, JJ. Thatï¿½s great. I hope your mamaï¿½s watching.

JACOB: Say something.

JJ: I love you, Tina!

BETH: That says it all.

JJ: Donï¿½t it though. (To TV) Hey, everybody. Jake and I are here on channel 10 to tell you something real important.

JACOB: Talk to the camera JJ, not the TV.

JJ: Oh, hey. (Canï¿½t help but look back and forth from TV to the camera) Weï¿½z here to woo back our women. See we was real jerks today and we want to make it up to you by doing some romancing right here on TV. We ainï¿½t getting off channel 10 until you come back to us.

BETH: Oh, brother. I can hear TVs all over town clicking off.

JJ: Uhï¿½ we got some great stuff for you tonight. Jake is gonna show you how to cook a romantic meal. And weï¿½re going to do Shakes-beer. (Starting to enjoy being in front of the camera) Hey, Shakes-beer wrote that play we learned in junior high right? What was it calledï¿½ oh, yeah. Rodeo and Juliet. I remember we had to memorize that balcony scene. It went something like this. (Grabs BETH)

BETH: What are you doing? (JJ stands BETH on the couch and he kneels down on the floor)

JJ: Juliet calls out to Rodeoï¿½

BETH: I donï¿½t remember what she said.

JJ: She said, ï¿½Rodeo, Rodeo, where fartest you, Rodeo.ï¿½

BETH: I donï¿½t think thatï¿½s it, but I like that better.

JJ: And Rodeo says, ï¿½Come on out, Juliet or youï¿½ll see yonder window break.ï¿½

BETH: Let me off this couch or youï¿½re gonna have something else break.

JACOB: JJ, come here and run the camera.

JJ: Now for my partner in crime. Letï¿½s hear it for Jake! (Chants) Jake, Jake, Jake.

JACOB: Thanks, JJ for that great introduction. Hello, good people. I know that you might be disappointed that your regularly schedule program ï¿½Dancing with Chickensï¿½ isnï¿½t on, but we have a special message for our ladies, Julie and Tina.

JJ: Tina!

JACOB: Julie, honey. Iï¿½m sorry I misbehaved but I really want you back. Not only do I want you, I need you. I canï¿½t live without you.

(Phone rings)

BETH: I got it.

JACOB: Is it them?

BETH: What? No, Julie and Tina arenï¿½t hereï¿½ theyï¿½re at Julieï¿½s Paï¿½s. Call and complain there.

JACOB: Who was that?

BETH: Someone complaining about you two being on TV. (Phone rings) No, Julie and Tina arenï¿½t here. (Hangs up) Tell the people on TV where they are so they stop calling here. (Phone rings. BETH doesnï¿½t answer it this time)

JACOB: Good people. If youï¿½d like to help us in our cause, call Julieï¿½s Paï¿½s house and encourage them to come home. (Phone stops ringing) Whatï¿½s his number? Weï¿½ll put it on TV.

BETH: Donï¿½t worry. Everybody knows it. Now you have to hope that her pa wonï¿½t come over here and shoot you for that one.

JACOB: Itï¿½s a chance Iï¿½ll have to take. Julie. Iï¿½m willing to face anything to win your love. I would face a thousand angry fathers with shotguns just to be with you.

BETH: I think one shotgun will be enough to do the trick.

JACOB: Now, Julie. I have all the ingredients here to make a romantic meal for you to come home toï¿½

(Phone rings. BETH answers it)

BETH: Hey, you got your first death threat. I thought it would take way longer than this.

JJ: Maybe we should forget about the cooking.

JACOB: But this is Julieï¿½s favoriteï¿½

BETH: Oh, man, Jake. Did you check the expiration date on this cheese?

JJ: I though I smelled something bad but I figured I stepped in something. I do that a lot.

BETH: Occupational hazard.

JACOB: So much for the cooking. What are we going to do now? (Phone rings)

JJ: Think, JJ, think.

BETH: Donï¿½t hurt yourself. (Answers phone) Somebodyï¿½s calling with a suggestion as to what you can do.

JJ: What?

BETH: Itï¿½s kind of obscene.

JACOB: Never mind.

BETH: (To phone) Yeah, you go do the same. (Hangs up)

JACOB: We need something bigï¿½ dramatic.

JJ: I know!

BETH: Oh, no. A JJ idea.

JJ: We can climb the water tower. Itï¿½s not that far away.

JACOB: Climb the water tower.

BETH: Every good old boy knows that climbing the water tower and painting his galï¿½s name is the ultimate act of love.

JJ: And I got Jacob here to help me spell Tinaï¿½s name right.

BETH: I hope youï¿½re not afraid of heights, Jake.

JACOB: Actually a little.

JJ: And then you can write some of that Shakes-beer for Julie.

JACOB: Maybe you should go up there aloneï¿½ uh, somebody needs to run the camera.

BETH: Iï¿½ll run the camera for you.

JACOB: Do you know how?

BETH: (Goes to camera) On, off. How hard is that?

JACOB: Wellï¿½

JJ: Aw, you can do it, man. I know you can climb that tower. I believe in you.

BETH: Nice pep talk, JJ. You should be a motivational speaker.

JACOB: (To camera) Fine. Weï¿½re going up the water tower. If thatï¿½s what it takes to win Julieï¿½s heartï¿½

JJ: And Tinaï¿½s!

JACOB: (Grabs camera off tripod and gives it to BETH) Letï¿½s go.

JJ: Out the back door. Thereï¿½s a short cut to the water tower. (JJ exits)

(A fast driving car is heard approaching, honking, and then brakes)

JACOB: What was that?

BETH: Probably one of your angry fans coming to cut short your broadcast.

JACOB: Good thing weï¿½re leaving. (They exit through kitchen)

PA: (Enters) Dagnabbit. Where are they? (turns to outside) Girls! You get in here now!

TINA: (Off) We donï¿½t want to.

PA: Them boys is gone. The coast is clear.

JULIE: (Enters cautiously with TINA) We saw them in our living room on channel 10. Where did they go?

PA: Beat the butter out of me.

TINA: Look. There they are on TV.

PA: Where they runninï¿½ to?

JULIE: Itï¿½s hard to tell with the sound not working.

TINA: Looks like the water tower!

JULIE: Then the rumor is true. They are going to kill themselves.

TINA: What?!

JULIE: Theyï¿½re going to climb the water tower and jump!

PA: Now, Julie, honey. Calm down. I donï¿½t think theyï¿½d jump.

TINA: There they go. Theyï¿½re climbing.

JULIE: Who is holding the camera?

PA: Beth maybe.

JULIE: Traitor.

PA: Sheï¿½s a good gal. Sheï¿½s only trying to help out.

JULIE: The last thing I need is more of her helping. She helped get us into this mess in the first place.

PA: She ainï¿½t to blame for everything.

JULIE: So itï¿½s my fault then?

PA: No, Julie. Now listenï¿½

JULIE: Itï¿½s certainly not Jacobï¿½s fault.

PA: I think if everyone had been a little more honestï¿½

JULIE: Now, weï¿½re liars?!

PA: Dang, girl. You are plenty worked up about this arenï¿½t you?

TINA: They look so tiny up there. (Gets excited) One of them is writing somethingï¿½ looks likeï¿½ looks likeï¿½ a T! Hmm? T. I wonder that could be.

PA: This good makes molasses look quick.

TINA: I! He wrote I next. T, I. What in the world? (Mad) The camera turned away. Now Iï¿½ll never know what heï¿½s writing.

JULIE: Look at that crowd. Theyï¿½re shouting something.

PA: Looks likeï¿½ Jump, jump, jump.

JULIE: Oh, the people in this town make me so mad sometimes.

TINA: The cameraï¿½s back on the tower. T, I, Nï¿½ Tin. Oh, I know!

PA: Took her long enough.

TINA: The tin man from the Wizard of Oz. JJ knows heï¿½s my favorite.

PA: I would think sheï¿½d relate to the Scarecrow myself.

TINA: Why he stop writing? Why are they looking down?

PA: (Chuckles) Iï¿½ll bet he dropped the can of spray paint.

TINA: Camera is going down.

PA: Yeap. Thereï¿½s the can on the ground. Whoï¿½s that laying next to it?

TINA: Looks like it his old lady Crane.

JULIE: The crowd looks upset.

TINA: Dang. Fuzz.

JULIE: Channel 10 went dead.

PA: Letï¿½s hope thatï¿½s the only thing thatï¿½s dead.

TINA: You donï¿½t think the crowd would hurt them do you?

PA: Depends how fast they can run.

TINA: Not so fast. JJï¿½s been smoking for almost twenty years now.

JULIE: Twenty years? Heï¿½s not more than 25 is he?

TINA: Nope.

PA: I better run interference for those boys if we want to see them in one piece.

JULIE: Iï¿½m not sure I do.

TINA: I canï¿½t lie. I do want my JJ to be safe. Please go get him.

PA: Iï¿½ll get em. Donï¿½t you worry. I love nothing more than breaking up and angry mob.

JULIE: Somebody ought to help Mrs. Crane.

PA: Sheï¿½ll be fine. And if she ainï¿½t, nobody liked her much anyway. (Exits)

TINA: I hope he hurries.

JULIE: I donï¿½t. Iï¿½m so mad at Jacob. Climbing a water tower? What has come over him?

BETH: (Enters out of breath with the camera) I made it. Your Pa headed off the mob.

TINA: What about the boys? Are they okay?

BETH: Beats me. It was every gal for herself.

JULIE: Thatï¿½s the way it should be. Let the guys fend for themselves.

BETH: Was that sarcasm or are you still upset?

JULIE: Upset doesnï¿½t begin to describe how I feel.

BETH: Man, it sure does take a lot for you to be impressed.

JULIE: I donï¿½t want to be impressed. I just want this day to end and for him to go away.

TINA: I was sure impressed by JJ. That took a lot of guts. He might get arrested.

BETH: Whatï¿½s new?

JULIE: Jacob used to get arrested for good causesï¿½ racism, deforestation, equal rightsï¿½ but now look at him. Arrested for the vandalism of a water tower.

TINA: But itï¿½s so brave.

JULIE: No, itï¿½s stupid. This whole plan you two came up with has made him stupid and I hold you both personally responsible.

TINA: Beth, she sounds mad.

JULIE: You bet Iï¿½m mad. Mad at you, mad at Jacob, mad at this whole stinking town.

BETH: Donï¿½t hold back now.

JULIE: Actually I am holding back. And youï¿½re lucky I am, because I want to hit something and it could be one of you.

JJ: (Enters out of breath) We made it!

BETH: (Grabs JJ) Hit him. It always makes me feel better.

TINA: Iï¿½ll hit him. (JJ cringes) With my lipsï¿½ (Kisses JJ) Iï¿½m so glad youï¿½re okay.

JJ: Hardly a scratch on me. They wanted Jake more than me.

BETH: So you threw him to the crowd and ran off.

JJ: No way. I stayed and defended my buddy, but Julieï¿½s Pa pulled me out of the crowd and sent me runnin.ï¿½ I figure ainï¿½t nobody tougher than him, so Jakeï¿½s in good hands.

TINA: Iï¿½m so glad you didnï¿½t get hurt, JJ. I would have felt so guilty.

JJ: I was considering jumping off the water tower if you didnï¿½t come back.

TINA: JJ, you wouldnï¿½t.

JJ: No, but I felt like I might. (TINA is moved by this)

TINA: And I have to say, you sounded so smart on TV.

JJ: I did?

TINA: You did. Thatï¿½s amazing that you could remember all that Rodeo and Juliet stuff from school.

BETH: That was incredible. Heï¿½s smarter than he looks.

JJ: Watch. I can be polite now too. (To BETH) Excuse me, miss. My gal here and I is having a private talk and we was wondering if you could give us a moment.

TINA: That was great, JJ. You sounded real kind.

BETH: He sounds kind of weird to meï¿½

TINA: Bethï¿½

BETH: Iï¿½m going. Come on, Julie. Letï¿½s see if how your Pa is doingï¿½ oh, and that other guy too. (JULIE reluctantly follows BETH out)

JJ: Tina, I done a lot thinking and Iï¿½ve decided to listen to you.

TINA: Youï¿½re gonna listen to me?

JJ: Iï¿½m gonna get my GED.

TINA: You are? Thatï¿½s great, JJ.

JJ: And then Iï¿½ll take them college classes like my uncle wants so I can be the night manager at the Come and Go inconvenience store.

TINA: Youï¿½d do that for me? You said youï¿½d never take handouts from your family.

JJ: If it means that I can make myself a better man in your eyesï¿½

TINA: (Embraces him) Iï¿½m sorry I was so hard on you, Jellybean.

JJ: Itï¿½s okay, babe. And to prove to you that Iï¿½m a new man. Iï¿½m gonna go get my own beer.

TINA: Oh, JJ. (They start to head for kitchen but stop when JULIE comes out all upset followed by JACOB, PA and BETH)

JACOB: Julie. Wait.

JULIE: Iï¿½m glad youï¿½re okay, but I donï¿½t want to talk right now.

JJ: Hey, buddy. Youï¿½re alright.

JACOB: I donï¿½t know how he did it, but Julieï¿½s Pa chased off that mob.

PA: I have the biggest gun collection in this county. Nobody argues with that. (Pats side) Plus I got my old pea shooter with me just in case.

JJ: Youï¿½re packing heat?

PA: Donï¿½t worry. Itï¿½s just a little one. Nothing smaller than a 45 ainï¿½t really a gun anyway.

JACOB: Thank you for bringing Julie and Tina home, sir. At least JJ and Tina have things worked out.

PA: And I intend to have this worked out between you and Julie in time for my favorite channel 10 show to be on.

JACOB: Whatï¿½s your favorite show?

PA: Itï¿½s called ï¿½Stuff Em or Leave Em.ï¿½ Itï¿½s a do it yourself taxidermy show and I have a coyote in my closet that needs stuffing.

JACOB: Iï¿½m not sure Julie is up for it.

PA: (Gives JULIE a nudge) Talk to him, sweat pea.

JULIE: I donï¿½t know what to say.

JACOB: Iï¿½m sorry if I embarrassed you. I had to do something. I was so worried about losing you.

TINA: Did you really take over channel 10 at gun point?

JJ: Whereï¿½d you hear that?

TINA: Thatï¿½s what people were saying when they called.

JULIE: And that you guys were going to commit suicide if we didnï¿½t come home.

JACOB: People said that?

BETH: Thatï¿½s the small town rumor mill for you.

JACOB: But we werenï¿½t on more than a few minutes.

BETH: Thatï¿½s all it takes around here.

JACOB: No, Julie. We werenï¿½t going to kill ourselves, but I did feel like I was dying inside. (JULIE is silent. BETH looks sick)

JULIE: I canï¿½t do this.

JACOB: Julie, please. I know it seems like things are a disaster now, butï¿½

JULIE: Jacob, itï¿½s not your fault. Itï¿½s mine. Iï¿½m the one ruins everything. Iï¿½m the one makes trouble for everyone. Iï¿½m bad news for everyone around me.

JACOB: Thatï¿½s not true.

JULIE: It is. I donï¿½t want to ruin your lifeï¿½ like I ruined my fatherï¿½s. (JULIE starts to go but runs into PA)

PA: (Stops JULIE from leaving) Wait a minute there. Whatï¿½s that you said?

JULIE: Nothing. Please, everyone leave me alone.

PA: Now wait a minute. I want to know why you think youï¿½ve ruined my life.

JULIE: It feels that way.

PA: Iï¿½m sorry, but that couldnï¿½t be farther from the truth. Youï¿½re the best thing that ever happened to me.

JULIE: How can you think that? Donï¿½t you realize that Iï¿½m the one who split you and mom up?

PA: You had nothing to do with that.

JULIE: I did. Iï¿½m the one who brought mom to the city. Iï¿½m the one introduced her to that guy she ran off with.

JACOB: You didnï¿½t know that would happen. You didnï¿½t plan it that way.

PA: Julie. Your mom and me was having trouble way before she started taking trips to the city.

JULIE: But you guys always seemed so happy here.

PA: I was happy, but your mom was just pretending. Sure, she acted like she enjoyed giving me those foot rubs after I was out working in the barnyard, but I knew she was crying inside.

BETH: Iï¿½ve smelled your feet. Iï¿½d be crying too.

PA: I should have known she was planning on leaving me when she would take all those suitcases with her on each trip to the city and then not return with them.

JULIE: I should have known she was up to something too when she kept leaving all that stuff at my apartment in the city. But I loved having her there. Before I met Jacob, I felt pretty alone. So maybe in a way I encouraged herï¿½

PA: Thatï¿½s crazy talk. Nobody did nothing except your ma. Sheï¿½s the only one that makes herself do anythingï¿½ it took me a long time to learn that. See, I thought I could control her and make her do what I wanted, but thatï¿½s just as crazy as you thinking her could make her do anything. She did everything herself and we didnï¿½t do no thinking for her.

JULIE: Iï¿½m sorry, daddy.

PA: Iï¿½m sorry we never talked about it before. I didnï¿½t realize you were so upset about it.

JULIE: I have been ever since mom left you. I feel like if Iï¿½d never gone to the city then you two would still be together.

PA: The city sure can open up peopleï¿½s eyes to new things. I guess it made me look pretty old and boring to your ma.

JULIE: The city has brought my family nothing but trouble. I never should have gone there. In fact, Iï¿½m not going back.

JACOB: But Julie, what about graduate school?

JULIE: Last time I went to the city, look what happened. What will happen next time?

PA: Julie, I want you to go back to school.

JULIE: No, you need me here. All of you need me.

TINA: We love having you, Julie, but we know itï¿½s better if you follow your dreams.

BETH: I can take care of everybody here for you.

PA: You will huh? You any good at back rubs.

BETH: Cool it, gramps.

PA: Canï¿½t blame me for trying.

JULIE: Iï¿½m not sure I can go back. The city has too many bad associations for me now.

JACOB: Julie, I know youï¿½re upset at me, but donï¿½t let me keep you from returning to the city. (JULIE is silent)

BETH: Julie? Jacob isnï¿½t the reason you wonï¿½t go back is he?

JULIE: Maybe a little.

JACOB: Okay, Julie. I give up. I know I made a mistake coming here. I didnï¿½t mean to ruin things for us. I hoped what I did here would bring us closer together, but it has only broken us apart. Youï¿½ve wanted to go to graduate school ever since I met you. Donï¿½t let me be the one to keep you from this. You donï¿½t have to see me anymore, but donï¿½t give up on your education. (JULIE canï¿½t respond)

TINA: Say something, Julie.

JACOB: Itï¿½s okay, Julie. You donï¿½t have to say anything. Iï¿½ll go. (Exits to kitchen)

JJ: Hey, buddy. Wait up. (JJ exits to kitchen)

BETH: Julie? You okay?

JULIE: Iï¿½m so confused. I donï¿½t know what to think.

TINA: Do you love, Jacob?

JULIE: I do.

BETH: Then whatï¿½s the problem?

JULIE: Today is the problem. My life is the problem. I canï¿½t put Jacob through all this.

TINA: Shouldnï¿½t you let him decide that?

JULIE: This is sounding very much like a conversation we had at the beginning of all this. See how that turned out.

BETH: Fine, Julie. Let him go. We give up.

JJ: (Comes out) Julie? What do you think youï¿½re doinï¿½?

JULIE: Huh?

JJ: You have my buddy pretty dang upset in there. How dare you break his heart like that!

JULIE: JJ, please. Not now.

JJ: Man, you women are all so darnï¿½ difficult. You make it so hard on us. First you act like you like us. We do what you want. Then you hate us for doing what you want.

BETH: I hate to admit it, but JJ is making sense for once in his life.

JJ: That guy in there would do anything for you. If you donï¿½t see that, then you ainï¿½t worth it.

JULIE: You know what, JJ? (Gets up. JJ backs away thinking he is going to get hit) Youï¿½re right.

JJ: I am?

BETH: (Smiles) He is?

JULIE: Youï¿½re all right. I should let him decide and not decide for him. I always try so hard to be in control all the time, but instead Iï¿½m out of control. I guess Iï¿½m overdue for letting a man decide something.

BETH: I never thought Iï¿½d hear you say something like that.

JULIE: Iï¿½m not sure whatï¿½s come over me.

TINA: Youï¿½ve got the love bug. It makes people do all kinds of weird things.

(JACOB comes out of kitchen with TINA)

JULIE: Jacob?

JACOB: Donï¿½t worry. Iï¿½m going.

JULIE: No, wait. Iï¿½m sorry. (Smiles at JJ) Someone told me Iï¿½m being too hard on you and I think heï¿½s right. How about a second chance?

JACOB: Youï¿½d do that for me?

JULIE: No, a second chance for me.

JACOB: (Hugs her) Iï¿½d give you three or four chances.

JULIE: I know you would. Thatï¿½s why I love you.

JACOB: I love you too, Julie. (They kiss) Does this mean I can stay the night?

JULIE: You bet. We have some making up to do. (They exit to kitchen)

TINA: (Hugs JJ) I love a happy ending.

JJ: You know what? That makes me the hero. I saved the day. What you say we go celebrate?

TINA: Okay. (JJ and TINA exit out front door)

BETH: Alone at last. (Sits on couch and breathes a sigh of relief) What a day. (Turns on TV) And itï¿½s all over in time for COPS. Hey! Thatï¿½s cousin Pete! Run you good for nothing redneck! Run! (Lights fade to black as the COPS ï¿½Bad Boysï¿½ theme plays)

END OF PLAY