Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, silently of course, because I am so full of emotion but yet cannot bring myself to express it.
I feel lonely, and often times used. It seems as though everyone only wants me to do something for them, yet they are completely unwilling to do anything for me. I often feel replaceable. Completely disposable...
As if there are a million Natalies out there just like me.
I find it hard to express the things I feel, and I rarely do, with the exception of my journal....
Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world that will ever be capable of fully understanding me--and even sometimes I don't even understand myself and the things that I say and do. I don't understand my feelings and it is extremely hard to sort through them and find out what's real, what's fake, and what's only a figment of my imagination (which seems to be everything these days).
I am slow to get angry, but when I do, I crawl inside myself.
This is even apparent to people around me (even those who don't know me that well). Recently, a friend of mine tried to make me talk about it, and when I said that I don't like to talk because I'm not good at it, she said "I know, you retreat inside yourself."
And I do. I can't help it. Perhaps it stems from being an only child, or my sometimes lacking self-esteem, but I don't like to share my true emotions, no matter what they are.
I often wish I could go back to the days when all I knew was rainbows and butterflies--when I knew nothing of this world and the sorrows it can bring. When I knew nothing of the hurt people can experience. Because ignorance is bliss.
When I was little I never dreamed that I would turn out the way that I did. I never imagined who I would become--I thought I would be perpetually happy... But I'm not... I get sad and I get angry, I get pissed off, I get spiteful....
But I hold it in.
Someone once told me that because I hold everything inside, that someday I'm going to explode... but she was wrong....
I'll implode.
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