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The Lion's Den

Into the den I was thrown and yet I have emerged unscathed.  I was before and will henceforth be a servant of God Most High

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Alvin Shaul

I sit here in a comfortable chair, in a comfortable house, with all the luxuries typical of a middle-class American, and yet within me there at times exists a void which only seemed to be filled with fear. The ups and downs of my life teter so often that I'm not really sure which end of the board I'm on at any given time. There's got to be more to this life than working insane hours, still rolling in debt, going to school and sleeping when I get a chance. Happiness has come and gone with special others in years past, and now, when I have probably the most promising relationship to date sitting within my grasps, I am myself grasped by fear. I'm willing and yet afraid, joyous, and yet frightened. If only she were here and I were there, then maybe the fear would pass away...maybe, but probably not. You see, I've been a believer since the age of 5. I've known God's power in my life for nearly just as long. Experienced wonderful Christian friendships and transcontinental ministries. I've been there, done that. I've given my whole life and whole heart to God...the problem is, I keep taking it back, piece by piece, my life becomes my own again until the God, which I've just spent over 80 thousand dollars learning about, no longer has control of my life. And so now in the midst of the dispair that constantly fills my soul, I fall...I fall flat on my face and I'm not getting up. For to do so would be by my own power. I must resist the urge to be self-controlled, but rather be God controlled. For what is true self-control if God is not the author of the heart behind it? I will stand again because God will lift me. I will exist because God exists within me. Fear will live no more in me because God will expell it from me. I will no longer be afraid to love, because God will love through me. The hidden secrets of my lonliness, that of one who is educationally prepared for a lifetime of ministry...the secrets of the pain I feel day in and day out, those which we all know exist in those around us, but are never spoken of, I here and now empty myself of, for the pain in my life has been expelled by the love of my God, who gave himself for me, that I might live, to truely live, without sorrow and regret, without the agony of failure and disappointments, without fear and bewilderment, this God has given me new life, here and now, now and here, here and forever, I am cleansed in the name of Jesus Christ of that which has torn me away so often before, and am I now brought into the light of a Savior who simply waits for me to obey and embrace the love which he so eagerly pours out. I will be one of strength and honor, one of boldness and courage, not because I have it in me to be so, but because God is in me and he is so! I will hasten to his Word and fast from this world, I will sing a song of renewal and orchestrate a symphony worthy of his glory. I will forget myself, and for him, I will live, for him I will love.

Life Without Passion Is No Life At All