| Janet & David’s IVF Journal April 11th, 2002 Infertility is a terrible, depressing, and often life shattering experience. Especially when the old clock is ticking! I went on a 6-month break and had dealt with the possibility of David and I living a childfree life. David wasn't quite there yet, though! That being said, we have decided to embark on yet one more journey. Possibly our last journey in the TTC format. The exciting (scary) world of IVF. I never thought we could afford it, but we were speaking to a woman who works with David and she told him all about her own infertility struggle and how they used IVF with success. She also told him that the insurance company was covering all of her meds and that takes care of $3,000 of the total price. We liked hearing this! I had gone as far as my OB/Gyn could go so she suggested an RE for me who specializes in PCOS and IVF. (Some of you may recall I had been going to an RE who originally diagnosed me with PCOS in March 2000, but when David changed jobs, our new insurance company wouldn't cover that RE unless we first went to an OB/Gyn in their network.) We had our first consultation with our new RE on April 9th, and what a time we had too! First of all, they were supposed to have sent us the papers ahead of time so they could all be neatly filled out when we arrived--well that didn't happen, so we spent 20 minutes filling out so many papers I lost count! When we finally finished, we were shown into our doctors’ office. I immediately liked him. He was straightforward and upfront, and I can't tell you how long it has been since we had any doctor be so honest with us! After confirming that we were indeed prime candidates for IVF, the doctor began us right off with tests! Since I was due for a pap anyway, he did a pap test, and then measured my uterus. I am happy to report that my uterus is healthy and large enough to support a baby!(Even if it is tilted!) Then it was on to the finance department where we found out that the IVF wasn't as expensive as I had been researching on the Net about. With our insurance covering the drugs, we will only need about $5,000. Piece of cake! From there we went to have our blood drawn. Both of us were being tested for the usual HIV, syphillis, and hepatitis. Standard procedure to protect their medical staff. Then I had to be tested for liver enzymes (since I have been on the glucaphage for 2 years) along with some other things. Well, after draining 5 1/2 vials from me, I passed out on them! (They were going for 6!) You see, you can't take that much blood out of a diabetic who hasn't eaten in 5 hours!!! Once I recovered we headed up to (what I have dubbed) the sperm bank floor where David gave a deposit! This sample will be on ice in case the day of the insemination he is unable (for whatever reason) to give a sample, there will already be one they can use. We took a break, and headed down to the hospital cafeteria for a much needed lunch before returning and having our RN coordinator--a super nice woman go over the next steps. The first main step is the clomid challenge test. I can't believe all the times I would see ladies post on here about this and never once did I know what it was for. Now I do! When AF begins, I have to go in for a sonogram on the 2nd or 3rd day and then on day 4-9 I will take the clomid (hopefully for the last time of my life!) then when AF leaves, I go for another sonogram and blood tests. This will determine how well my body reacted to the drug and in turn will let the doctor know if I will be able to readily accept all of the hormones meds needed in order to continue on with the IVF procedure. This is a very crucial part of the whole procedure. I must pass this test in order to go on. If I don't, we have to do some very heavy thinking because the alternative is being put on blood thinners for a period of time. He was very open about the pros and cons of this. If I do pass, they will put me on BCP for 1 month along with Lupron shots, then Follistim, and finally an HCG. If everything finally works out for us, we are talking about starting all of this late May, or early June. I just can't believe we are finally doing something proactive. I am still nervous and trying not to get excited. We have decided not to tell anyone but I did tell my parents because I never keep anything from them. One good thing about doing IVF is that the odds of me having another ectopic went back down to 1 in 1,000 whereas if I were to get pregnant naturally, the odds had increased by 15%. It is still possible to have an ectopic and it is still possible to miscarry, but we can also get more than one shot at this if there are enough eggs to go around. I will use this journal to keep up with what is happening with us as we proceed through this amazing journey. I truly hope that it will be a happy journey with a very happy ending. April 23, 2002 Well a slight delay in plans as the dentist informed me at my annual check-up that the reason I had such a horrendous sinus infection this last time was due to a major infection in my tooth that I had root canal work done in about 5 years ago. Argh! So in the middle of my clomid test I am on penicillin for my tooth and I go see an endodontist next week the day after I finish doing my clomid test. The nurse assured me the penicillin wouldn't interrupt the clomid test. It better not. I hate like anything to have to repeat it. I already feel poked & prodded and I haven't even begun the actual IVF yet. It seems that every time I go for a procedure, they want to take blood. Enough already! And poor David found out that he has an infection so he is on antibiotics for it and he will have to do the sperm culture all over again. Anyone who says, "why don't you just try IVF?" has never actually gone through it. They just know someone who has and they obviously have never heard that person explain all the things that they had to go through just to get to the retrieval part of it. April 29th, 2002 I PASSED THE CLOMID TEST! All of the blood work came back good. I had my 12th day US this morning and then a hystersonogram later on. Everything was fine for the HSG and I was relieved because just like the HCG, it was very uncomfortable, not to mention I seem to be the test subject for every doctor I have! The doctor doing the HSG had a student with her and asked if he could stand in and watch. I had just convinced David to come in with me since all the other spouses were going in with their wives so there were five of us in a small room! I don't know what it is about me getting student residents during my examinations! No matter what doctor I have. It is funny when they ask because I say yeah, sure but I wonder what they'd say if I told them, no way! Anyway, at the time I was there the doctor had not read all of the results for my clomid test so I was a bit disappointed but I found a message on my phone around 5:00pm telling me I aced the test with flying colors!!! I wept openly! It has been so terribly emotional for me. The clomid didn't help, but I won't have to ever take it again so I just have to get my tooth looked at now, and then I can begin the real poking and prodding! May 1st, 2002 Well good news/bad news is the endodontist wants to undo the whole root canal and clean out the infection. I will have to wear a medicated "patch" for 2-3 weeks then have my root canal redone. Oh joy, oh yeah. Not only will this be the most fun I've had in ages...yeah right...but it will delay my IVF a month. Grrrr! But I have to get this done before TTC or else I could have another serious flair up in the middle of pregnancy and not be able to do anything about it. And trust me, the pain I had when it flared up at the beginning of the month was the worst pain I've ever had so needless to say, I said, let's do it and get it done. The best part is I get to have Valium as my choice of drug. When he said this, I said, "DUDE"!!!! I made his assistant laugh anyway! I want to thank everyone who has stopped by and congratulated me. Some of you know our struggle, and some don't. This has been such an emotional time for me. I will need a lot of support when I do get started. Nothing is a for sure thing, and I know that going in, still a part of me wants to be excited. I told David that, back in high school, when I heard about the first "test-tube baby" I never imagined in a million years I would be going through this procedure. The blissfulness of youth, I guess. You think you’re invincible and can't imagine having any problems. May 3rd, 2002 Well I found out today that despite my sideline to the endodontist, I can continue with the preliminary procedures of IVF. Woohoo! So it looks like I will begin BCP once AF shows up this month (She's due around the 18th-David's birthday, poor guy!) So I will begin them on that Sunday. That's relying on her to show up on time, that is! I have to say, since I've been on the Met, she has gone from being absent to hitting about 30-32 days and has surprised me with a couple of 28 day cycles, so I know the Met is working for me! I will begin to overlap my BCP and Lupron on the 3rd week of BCP. Before that though we are going to get to go on vacation, so I'm REALLY looking forward to that! I was afraid we wouldn't get one in. May 6th, 2002 Well David went to "re-donate" his sperm now that he is bacteria free. I swear I am really beginning to wonder about our staff. Every time we go there they have to run around looking for our chart and then you have to explain why you are there to them because chances are you speak to someone new each time. I hope things get better as they get to know us, but right now this doesn't instill a whole lot of confidence in me. I told David on the way home today that what if it comes time to put the fertilized eggs back in and they are running around looking for where they put the culture? That would be frightening! Now I know I'm being a bit over dramatic but I can't help it. I was impressed on my very first visit but now I feel like I usually feel at any other doctors' office. There seems to be a lot of couples in the office too. I really cannot believe there are that many people going through IUI and IVF. I was a little surprised when this one couple came in with their three children. Now I know I shouldn't begrudge any couple from having as many children as they want, and I don't know their story but still, I felt they could have at least kept the children with a sitter or at least down in the Atrium. The IVF office is so small anyway, and I don't know the story of everyone else there, but this is my third attempt to get pregnant with my number one live child. Seeing a couple with three children just makes me feel like maybe they are being a little greedy. Please forgive me for feeling this way. I don't mean to insult anyone, but when you have struggled just to get one, you tend to get conflicting attitudes about other couples that can't seem to stop trying to have children. I mean, I can't imagine going through IUI or IVF four times! Or maybe they had the three naturally and wanted a fourth and had trouble. Like I said, I don't know their story and it isn't fair for me to judge, but a lot of women in there are waiting to get their follicles measured, and more than a few were getting bad news, so I think the last thing they'd need to see is a couple with three kids. Well enough of my babbling. I just felt the need to get that off my chest. I'm really having a lot better time these days dealing with seeing couples with more than one child. It doesn't bother me near as much as it used to. I just thought it was a little inappropriate in the IUI/IVF office, that's all. JMHO. Anyway, when AF shows up this month, I get to start on BCP's. It will be amusing to say the least since it has been ions since I was on them, and ironically, with my PCOS I never needed to worry about being on BCP in the first place, but anyway... We go in to learn how to mix and give shots just before we leave because I will start on the Lupron on the third week of BCP. I really hope this won't be too painful on me. I'm not a whimp, but I don't really enjoy being in pain either. I can't believe I am more nervous about the shots than I am about the root canal! Are my fears justified? May 15th, 2002 Part one of the root canal was completed yesterday. Woohoo! It wasn't bad at all. The worst part was when he shoved the medicated strips back in. It kept hitting that nerve that goes right up to the sinus. But I had no pain at all afterwards. The Valium calmed me--though I got antsy towards the end, and fidgety! They also numbed the area well. And they had this device in my mouth so I didn't have to hold my own mouth open which was great, right up until they took it out and I went to close my mouth only to have it "POP" back into place. But that was nothing. So now I wait 4 weeks until June 11th and then he'll finish me off, then I have to go back to my regular dentist to get a new crown. Another 2 visit journey and this time no pleasant Valium or nature music of trickling springs and chirping birds. I wish the endodontist would fix my crown too! I got spoiled in his office. And I about fell over when he called tonight to check up on me! Such service! David says for $1,000 he should call! LOL! All I know is I can't see myself going through all of this again. The next time it fails, if it fails, that tooth is coming out! Hopefully though, it won't come to that! So now we are looking at returning to the IVF hospital on May 22nd to get our consultation on how to mix the drugs, and how to administer the shots. Oh joy! I guess I can do this too. My friend told me she thinks I'm brave for going through IVF. I don't know if it's bravery necessarily. (Often I think it is pure idiocy!!!!)But hopefully it will be well worth it. If I fail at this, I just don't know how well I'll take it. So I'm really trying to keep my spirits high. May 22, 2002 I was in for the consultation on how to administer the drugs and we were timing when everything would be progressing, etc. It was going along just smoothly and we were about to leave when I decided to ask how David's results were for the bacterial infection they found. The nurse went a got the records and she said, Hm... Well I know now that a HM is not good. Apparently the Cipro didn't eliminate the infection. In fact, it is still at the number that it was the first time they called and informed us he had the infection. So she goes to talk to the dr. Then she comes back looking even grimmer. David needs to see the urologist. This infection can stem from the prostrate and it makes it more difficult to treat. He needs to be infection free in order for us to progress with the IVF. So all the charting for time schedules we just did went down the tubes in one swift motion. She asked me if I was ok. What could I say? I can't exactly do it all on my own. David needs to be treated. So instead of a retrieval around say July 3rd, it looks like we'll be heading towards August with me just taking one whole cycle of BCP and then when AF arrives again, taking a second pack until we know whether this infection can be treated with the larger dose of Cipro and whatever else the urologist has planned as treatment. I tell you, if it weren't for bad luck, we'd have no luck at all. (Yes, I used to watch Hee Haw as a kid!) So that's where things stand as of now. The good news is that our insurance will be picking up most if not all of the many injectibles I need including the Follistim and Lupron. And they will put me on HCG when I'm preggers and other things to help progesterone and tetesterone until they here a heartbeat, then I will continue with a vaginal progesterone throughout the 1st trimester. I broke down in tears when she asked me if this was going to be okay. Absolutely, I told her. I lost two babies because no one thought to do these things way back then. I will endure anything if it means I will be helping my baby live. June 3, 2002 Branson was a blast. My parents went because it was a 50th wedding present from aunt and uncle to use their time-share, so we didn't have to pay for a hotel. One day we spent the whole day with my parents and we had so much fun. In the afternoon we took a trip on the Table Rock Lake on the Branson Belle Showboat enjoying a show and a scrumptious meal, then in the evening we went to see Spirit of the Dance (which is like Riverdance) and that show was awesome! All in all, outside of spending way too much money and eating all the wrong things, we had a great time. I almost hated to see it end! June 10th, 2002 Tomorrow I get my root canal finished then Friday the dentist puts on a new crown. Also tomorrow after my appt, David goes to the urologist to see about this infection. I hope that by taking a double dose of Cipro it has knocked out the infection and we can proceed with things as planned. I'd hate to do another month on BCP. Now I know why I didn't miss them when I got off of them before all those years ago. Feeling down again. My friend who is leaving called to see how I was "coping" with the news she lay on me last week. Then she tells me she's got their house up for sale etc, so I guess the reality of her leaving is really setting in. I keep thinking this isn't a good move. My intuitions usually aren't wrong especially when they come to her but David said I have to let her go and let happen what may because I will risk losing my friendship with her totally if I voice my true opinions on the subject. I hope I'm wrong this time. I hope everything does work out for the best for her. Maybe I am just being selfish. June 12th, 2002 David's appointment to the urologist was just about worthless. They are sending him to get a load of tests, including an U/S to see why the bacteria is hanging on. I had my root canal finished yesterday as well. No problems whatsoever, not even any pain. The drug company doesn't want to cover the Follistim 100%, which makes no sense because three years ago when a woman at David's workplace was going through IVF they covered it. Now we have to see if they will at least pay 80%. Not that we're in much of a rush or anything. I've been really down all week. Mostly because of my friend, but I also feel as though all of these obstacles that are coming our way in proceeding with our IVF is some kind of sign. I also think that the dumb BCP's are making me depressed. I have been in a mood since I started taking them. And now I'll probably be stuck taking them for at least another month if not more depending on how long it takes for us to get David's testing done plus see if the bacteria is really gone. The urologist said the same thing our nurse said--it's common. Well if it's so darn common, you'd think they'd have a better way of treating it. Meanwhile I have to endure all the "wonderful" side effects of BCP like having ultra sensitive boobs. It doesn't help that it has been unbearably hot and humid for Ohio in June lately, too. It just brings me down even more. I sure hope this mood passes soon. July 8th, 2002 Just dropped by briefly to say that David finally tracked down the results of the semen test and he is bacteria free, then we looked at the status of our medicine from our RX company and they have sent our meds UPS today. Talk about pushing the envelope, my last "real" BCP is Saturday which means I can start the Lupron on Sunday if everything else is running according to plan. We go for another "lesson" in shot giving Wednesday since it has been 3 weeks since the last time and I want to know what I'm doing for sure. Please wish us luck that this is finally it. We are on our way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! July 10th, 2002 Well looks like things are finally going right in the world for the Fishers and their step towards TTC. We went to get our IVF arranged. I begin taking 10 units of Lupron/day starting Sunday, the 13th along with my BCP's. I take both for that whole week, then the following week when I get AF I call to make an appointment for an u/s and blood work. If everything looks "suppressed" on the 26th I will begin my Follistim, and lower my dosage of Lupron to 5-units/ day. If all goes according to plan, I will be in retrieval on August 7th. I'm going to take this one step at a time and try not to get anxious about it. David went and had a nice healthy semen sample frozen. We had a real joke about the lab tech getting on a first name basis with him since he has been up there so many times. In fact today I guess she said, "Oh, hello!" like he was an old friend! RN laughed and said, "Oh no, one person you really don't feel like being friendly with!" She kept apologizing to us for the delay that wasn't at all her fault--it was the urologist's office that was to blame. She thinks we are such good sports about all of this. I just wonder if people come in so desperate that they are too impatient to allow for such delays. She doesn't realize we have waited 8 years to have a baby; we've suffered with two losses, and 5 years of dealing with infertility. We can wait to get it all right. Plus we are older and we know what it is like to have patience. As long as they take the eggs from me before I get another year older, I'll be a happy camper! July 17, 2002 Sunday was my first Lupron shot. I nearly passed out, LOL. It was the idea of what I was doing more than anything. David was going to do it and I said, no, no, stand by, tell me the steps and let me do it. I have to learn to be confidant in doing the ones I can. He'll get practice soon enough. I was so upset because when we got home there was a message on our voicemail from one of the RE's stating he wanted to discuss David's latest semen culture. We had to track him down by his pager and he put David immediately back on a stronger anti-biotic. Apparently the infection came back in the time period between the time he was still on the medication and when they did the very latest culture. I was so upset because I didn't know if this meant more delay or what, but he told me to go ahead and start my Lupron. Then Monday our other RE called and said they are just going to keep David on the anti-biotic until they do the procedure. As long as he is on the meds, he is bacteria free. When I asked the possible causes for this bacteria to keep showing, he gave me three possibilities, all of which David says he either does/or doesn't do. So we are back to square one trying to decide why it occurs. I'm more concerned about it than David is. But at least the RE's are allowing me to proceed as planned. I've been cramping and spotting slightly, but the RN said it was normal to do so and not to worry about it. Sure, easy for her to say! 07-17-2002 04:45 PM Here's the kick in the pants I forgot to mention. We would have had a "clean" sample frozen had the #@%$#$&$% urologist checked the little box next to the part that says please freeze sample. But of course his agenda wasn't about the IVF. Not only that but his office never bothered to contact us, and it took us 3 weeks before we finally "sicced" our RE on their case to get the results. Three weeks to allow that pesky bacteria to return, I might add. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!! July 18th, 2002 The Lupron seems to be giving me cramps. I thought it was AF cramps because this week would have been my normal cycle time, but now I see a correlation between giving myself a shot and cramping on that side. I also feel bloated. And yesterday I went through an eating binge that was horrible! I couldn't seem to get enough to eat. I was out of control, lol! Still my blood sugar was 95 this morning so I guess it had no affect there. However the BCP are making me gain weight. GRRRRRRRR! Not fair! I was doing so well keeping it off after we returned from Branson. I had lost 5 pounds, now I've gained it back and I fear more. I don't know. I refuse to get on the scale right now! I get so bummed out by the weight issue. It is so disconcerting to know that PCOS and Diabetes type II is playing horrible games on my metabolism and no matter how good I am, I still can't ditch the weight. It is really hard to want to stick to the diet knowing I'm not losing massive amounts of weight, but I know if I threw caution to the wind, I'd be over 300 pounds in no time. I guess what is really hard is knowing that I used to be very skinny. When I was in high school I was made fun of because I was so thin. The PCOS/Insulin factor made me go from one prejudice to another and believe it or not, being made fun of for being skinny is not as bad as being made fun of for being overweight. July 22, 2002 I got some pretty good news today. Remember how I've been dragging my feet about getting a referral to a high risk doctor for the event I do actually get pregnant after all this? Well, I called two weeks ago and my ob/Gyn was out of the office, so she left me a message on my voicemail when she returned, and the stupid voicemail cut her off before I got the message! I called back and kept leaving messages for her to contact me again but nothing, so today I got action! She finally called me and she explained to me that I can stay with the hospital I am at because they have a very good high risk/diabetic ob/Gyn team who will be able to help me throughout the pregnancy. It will be a royal pain to have to travel the distance throughout all the visits, but in my heart, I feel it will be worth it to insure that the baby and me get the best care possible. I have been through a doctor who wasn't equipped for bad things to happen, and I paid the price for that. This time I will have experts who won't drag their feet. My ob/Gyn is so funny! She was asking were I was on the IVF cycle, and I told her about doing the Lupron shots so she asked me if I was experiencing the menopausal things yet. I said with PCOS, who can tell! I experience hot flashes and mood swings 24/7 any more! I don't have any cramping today. I really think the BCP combined with the Lupron was what was causing the problem. I made an appointment for my ultra sound and blood work for Wednesday. I hope I'm suppressed! LOL! Me, suppressed, never! July 24th, 2002 Well I got very good news today. Apparently the Lupron is doing its job. The baseline u/s showed that all the follies are suppressed, and the blood work showed that the hormone level is low--hm, couldn't prove that by me today! I've been weepy for no reason! Anyway, I get to start the Follistim Friday and lower my dose of Lupron. I swear I can never have an u/s without an audience! Today there was a doctor doing her residency in with the radiologist and me. I was so glad I decided to wear my PCOS Awareness t-shirt today. I got so many positive comments from the staff at my RE's office including the lab tech who was telling me and the doctor what she was seeing, and she made a comment about seeing my polycysts on my left follies to which she adds to me, "but from the looks of your t-shirt, this comes as no big surprise to you." I told her, no, it sure did not. She went on to say that she wished everyone would come in wearing a t-shirt that had their diagnoses on it! I return next Wednesday for another u/s and more blood work. This is the "fun" part--the almost daily trips into the hospital. Ugh, I do dread the hour trip into Cleveland during morning rush hour, but it must be done. We just put the payment down on the IVF today, too. Nothing like paying for something you haven't got yet. We used our miles card so at least we can accumulate miles in case we take a notion to fly again. Also I have to schedule a time to go in for a fasting glucose test and talk to the high-risk doctor. I don't suppose they would take the word of my primary care provider who just did a Hem/A1C on me in May and discovered my blood sugar reading was 5.0 which is considered normal. Sigh, more b/w. Oh well, just call me a pincushion! July 25th, 2002 I can't wait to start the Follistim tomorrow on top of the Lupron! Can't wait to see what happens with the hormones with this new addition. Good thing David is seasoned in dealing with PCOS hormones or he'd run away! Nah, he's a sweetheart. He really is. He puts up with a lot from me and acts like I'm the one who has to put up with a lot from him. Piece of cake! He's not your typical man. He's one in a million. I guess that's why it took me so long to find him and that is why I'm not letting him go! July 29th, 2002 I have totally become a super wimp, and I am not even done with the shots yet. I went from giving the Lupron shots to myself to now David does both the Lupron and the Follistim. Whoever says it gets easier doesn't know me! I know I over think things too much and get all built-up over it, but I just hate getting shots. I am sick of them already and I have more to come. I haven't even graduated to the intramuscular ones yet. What a "joy" that'll be. You should see my poor belly. Bruises everywhere, and now I've moved to my thighs for the Lupron shots and they are all bruised. I look beat up! I've been feeling very miserable. I can't tell if it is from the weather, shots, or both. I just lie around with no energy. It isn't my blood sugar because I'm in the 90's and that is normal for me. I honestly don't see how others continue after 1 failed IVF cycle. I can't imagine going through all of the shots all over again. I told David I would have to seriously think things over if we fail this first cycle. It has already been so emotional on me. July 31, 2002 Okay, one more thing to cross off the list. It wasn't so bad at all really. I did get a bit woozy, but I never passed out. The drink stuff reminded me of orange crush with sugar added! I told the lab tech that was probably the most sugar I've had since I was first diagnosed with diabetes! And about drug addicts, I mentioned the same thing to David and he explained it to me as this. At least when drug addicts shoot up, they soon become numb from the pain and they don't mind jabbing themselves with needles. A very good point. Mostly I was a walking zombie. They checked my blood pressure and it was 122/70. I said man, I must be comatose! My blood pressure usually runs higher than that. Everyone kept asking me how I was doing. I was in great demand to day! Good news, so far so good. I have 6 very promising follies, and 9 potentially good ones. It is amazing to look up on the u/s screen and see my left side--the polycysts side finally showing follicles of any significance. But it is the right side we are going to need the follies to be good. I told David I needed him to "talk" to the follies and tell them they'd better get big because he had an authoritative voice. Too funny. I did a cheer to encourage them. I go back Friday for another u/s and more blood work. I hope I have enough blood to give! Both arms are bruised. I can barely type for the heaviness in them. We were talking to one of the RN's and she was wondering how I was feeling in general. Then she looked at me and said, are you tired all the time? And I said, yeah. She said that was one of the major complaints on these meds. I nearly stuck out my tongue at David because all weekend I couldn't seem to find any energy to do anything and he was kind of giving me a hard time about it thinking I was feeling sorry for myself or something. Now I know it was a valid complaint! Ha!!!! This is why it is very important to have your husband come into all of your appointments with you so they can hear these things from the nurses or doctors and don't think you are handing them a line! August 3, 2002 OMG, Monday is retrieval day! I had such good news today. My endometrium is nice and thick and there are 6 follies all in the 18-24 range plus at least three more that are so close that by Monday, they may be included! My right side is a virtual forest, as David would like to say, and my left side actually contains three of the good ones as well. Since the RE will be taking from both sides, I stand a very good chance. Now comes Princess Janet time. The RN today told David I was to be treated like a Princess until at least 2 weeks after the embryo transfer which will be either Wednesday, Thursday, or Saturday depending. I get my HCG shot in the posterior tonight and then tomorrow I am shot free. Monday morning is my retrieval--very early in the morning, mind you. They want us there 2 hours before the scheduled surgery which is 6 am but we live an hour away so that mean about 4:30 in the morning for me to wake up--at least enough to dress myself and fall into the car. Poor David will probably just stay up since he gets home from work at 1am. He had to take a half-day tonight to come do my HCG shot. They think everyone works 9-5 shifts and don't take into consideration shift work. Oh well, we've got it sorted. David's work place is pretty cool as long as they have 24-hour notice. I am so scared and so nervous and so excited. I nearly broke down in the office. I am also terribly sore from all the u/s and blood work. I have to go do a blood work up for the retrieval tomorrow morning, ugh, and then..... August 6, 2002 OMG, We Hit The Mother Load!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so nervous yesterday morning prior to the procedure. Standard nerves. But everything went "Textbook" according to the RE and he greeted me with the news that they retrieved 16 eggs!!!!!! I cried all the way to the recovery room! In fact, the doctor had to explain to David that they were tears of joy (mixed with the knock out drugs, of course!) I slept thru the procedure--I guess I was just exhausted from thinking about it, so that was cool, I don't remember much past the time they put the oxygen thing in my nose. The pain was excruciating yesterday, but it is getting better today. In fact, I haven't had one codeine pill yet today and probably won't. The thing that hurts the most is where they put the IV needle in the back of my hand--can we say, yeowch! And they pricked my finger twice once before and once after to test my blood sugar--both times it was in normal range. My blood pressure was even lower than usual, which is amazing! The embryologist came in after I was in recovery about an hour to show us exactly how things work. The staff explained the whole retrieval procedure before they wheeled me in. Everyone was super nice, and after the retrieval everyone kept telling me that I did fantastically. (Is that even a word?!?!) The embryologist called today and informed us that out of the 16, 10 were dividing normally, 3 were immature and she would be watching them in the next two days for division, and 3 went poly so they are no good. We are looking at possibly transferring Thursday or Saturday. Personally I hope that it is Saturday. David has the day off, and my soreness should be all gone. I'm so excited! David called me a show off because when we asked how many we needed to proceed before the retrieval the doctor said 8. So I go and double that! No wonder I'm sore! That forest of follicles was such a blessing! August 7, 2002 I go Saturday for the transfer. The 10 eggs that were dividing nicely yesterday are the only "keepers" so that is what the RE will chose from. He says he usually only puts in 3-4, 4 being extreme. I think with the excellent quality of them he may only put 3 in. I'll know for sure probably tomorrow. I'm so nervous. Not about the procedure but about it working. About getting pregnant and about maintaining the pregnancy. The ball will be in my court starting Saturday and with my past, I am understandably nervous, but I do have a better feeling about things since we are being very proactive and I am taking the progesterone shots. I also know they will be monitoring me very closely so there won't be any surprises. I'm still feeling some discomfort. I've been a bad girl today. I did some mild housework and walked around a bit more. Why is it when you are restricted you feel compelled to clean? Also I have managed to drop nearly everything I touch because naturally bending is not something I can do comfortably. August 8, 2002 Well the call from the embryologist came this morning. She said that if she had to chose today out of the ten for the 2-3 to put back in, she couldn't do it. They all look so nice so that is why we wait for Saturday. By then they should have gone into the next stage of reproduction, and it should be easier for the RE to select. I thought he said he'd put back 3-4, but it's only 2-3, 2 being normal, 3 is up to us. I asked the embryologist opinion based on the way the eggs look, and she said 2 would really be just fine. So I'm not going to be an "over achiever" on this account 2 is fine by me. All I really want is one baby. The embryologist will call tomorrow to let me know what time Saturday we have to be there. the symptoms I have been having is minor menstrual cramping and the progesterone is causing oily stools and raising my blood sugar. Mostly I have been very restless and emotional. Normal under the circumstances I guess. I got in trouble for over doing yesterday by David. Our little joke now is, if you don't behave I'm going to give you a shot, which of course is redundant since I have to have one every day any way! August 9th, 2002 Well I go into the hospital for the transfer at 9:30 am tomorrow. The embryologist explained what was going to happen. She said I'll be on a cart, and afterwards they will wheel the cart back into recovery where I will be for 3 hours. Now does she mean I'll be suspended upside down?! Too funny. I love how she said, almost as an after thought, "your husband can come too." As if he hasn't been there every step of the way. He said something so precious yesterday I got teary-eyed--not that the progesterone isn't already making me an emotional woman anyway--he said, "I think I'll knock you up Saturday!" To know him is to love him! August 13, 2002 After some much needed rest I am up and around for the first time since Saturday. The embryo transfer was an amazing thing. I wasn’t so thrilled about the speculum clamping me open, since I was still sore from the retrieval, but we were allowed to see the screen and look at the two embryos before they put them inside of me, and once they put them inside. David and I watched on the ultrasound while the “embies” floated into the right ovary. It’s something I can’t explain. We’ve actually seen our babies before they were fetuses! It is something no one else experiences unless they too are going through this. Our RE took a hold of my hand and spoke very kind words of encouragement to me—naturally I was crying anyway by this point. I defy any woman not to be emotional when pumped with so many hormones! He said now was the time to wait and say a lot of prayers. Amen to that! I was wheeled into my recovery room tilted at an angle so my feet were above my head and I had to remain in that position for 3 hours before I was allowed to go home. This is done to assure that the embies stay where they are supposed to be. The RE put me on bed rest for the rest of Saturday, I was to take it easy Sunday, and I could resume “normal” activity Monday—just no lifting or pushing anything over 20 pounds; however I was cramping Sunday and really cramping Monday. Paranoia set in and I called to see if this was normal. After all, I was still trying to recover from the retrieval. They suggested that if I was only cramping, and didn’t feel bloated or had gained massive weight overnight, it was “normal” and suggested I take a Tylenol, which I did, and the pain soon subsided. I realized as I woke up today that the embies are a week old today. I still can’t believe we’re this far in the process. It seems like only yesterday that we were sitting in the RE’s office discussing it all. We go to see the high-risk doctor this Thursday. I’ll find out then if I will have to go on insulin. My blood sugar readings have been all over the board since Saturday morning, but I think a lot had to do with stress, pain, and of course the progesterone. I have to be very mindful how I eat again. I noticed sitting here at the computer desk is making me uncomfortable. I have some cramping so I will end this here for now. I go take my blood test (beta) for pregnancy on August 20th. Until then, I plan on playing up the role of Princess. Prayers are needed and welcomed! August 15th, 2002 Let me tell you about the disappointing trip to see the high-risk specialist. The doctor was condescending and made me feel like I should never have gotten pregnant in the first place. He was treating me like a total idiot. Like I didn't know the difference between IR and diabetes. I know there are risks with pregnancy & diabetes. I know that I will have to keep tight control of my blood sugar--it was just the way he was telling me all these things. I hate being talked down to. I had to put up with that crap with doctors who didn't understand PCOS. So I looked around for another high-risk dr. I go Sept 5th for a confirmation date. This doctor is much closer and he works out of the hospital in our town so that would be nice. Hopefully everything will work out for the better. Right now I am so upset and I know that isn't good for my blood sugar or blood pressure or my little embies. I know I shouldn't let the words of this @#$%$#@# doctor bother me but I can't help it. I am already emotional. I was so happy and now I have doubts and I hate that I have let this man do this to me. I must try to block it from my mind. August 16th, 2002 Have been feeling "weird" the last two days. I don't want to say they are pregnancy-like feelings but that is what they seem like. It is so hard to tell really because of the progesterone shots, which are becoming vastly an addiction, lol! I seem to get a little needy an hour before I am due to have my shot, like some pathetic junkie. Now when David gives me the shot I just get lost in a fit of giggles! He thought I was crying and was afraid he had hurt me and then he realized I was just laughing! I apologized, but he just started laughing back and said, no, no, go ahead and laugh! August 19th, 2002 I was just outraged by the news story on my local TV station. They always do a segment "For Women Only" and they use the doctors from the same hospital where I have been doing the IVF (plus the one with the jerk doctor). Anyway, it was about older mothers so I decided to listen. They insulted me by making it seem as though I purposely held off pregnancy and now I was putting my baby at risk. (Different ob/Gyn, same attitude). Of course I am taking everything personal these days, but excuse me. Some of us started out with infertility problems that went undiagnosed. I didn't plan on waiting until I was 38 to conceive. I got married at 30 and we started TTC right away. Before that I didn't think of TTC because I was single, and that wasn't something I wanted to even pursue as a single person with no significant other. Now I should be ashamed of myself for thinking about becoming a mother???????? Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know darn well this crap comes out of the mouths of people who have had no problem TTC. Of course I know the risks, I've had plenty of infertile years to read up on them, so that should discourage me from trying? Again, the mentality of people who haven't been through infertility. I know we've all had some pretty stupid comments made to us from those such fertile people. "Oh, you're lucky you aren't saddled with kids." or "I don't know why we decided to have one more!" or "You are better off not having children." It just torks me! I wouldn't be trying so darned hard to get pregnant if I didn't truly want a baby. It stands to reason then that because of that determination, I know the risks, and I am willing to try it anyway. Support me, don't put me down! That being said, I have only about 15 hours left to find out if my moodiness is due to just the drugs alone! August 20th, 2002 OH MY GOD......THE BETA WAS POSITIVE!!!!!! I was on pins and needles myself. I went at 8:00 am this morning for the beta and to talk about my GTT results and lipids with the RE. Bad news is my cholesterol is high so I get to go visit the dietician for a low fat diet. I don't know how much more low fat I can get. I've been doing the IR/diabetic diet. I thought I was doing well. Obviously I was wrong. I have a very difficult road ahead of me. I can't just be really excited about the pregnancy. I will still worry about things until I get past the really crucial 1st trimester. I will try to be more positive, because this time I know that I have a competent doctor taking care of me every step of the way. Plus I will be on insulin, I will be on a modified, low-fat diet, and who knows what else so I won't be a typical pregnant woman, but I will do everything I can to assure that I am healthy and therefore, the baby is healthy...or is it babies? Too early to tell yet. I'm so emotional right now. I may have bursts of happy tears at any moment! August 21, 2002 I am also still cautious and will be so because it is so early on in the pregnancy. I am just very, very schizo right now. I want to be happy but I am very scared. I am questioning whether I should have told everybody yet that I even was pregnant. Everyone tells me I shouldn't think negatively, but I can't help it. I have been disappointed before and I am trying not to get too set up for another disappointment. Part of me wants to believe that this pregnancy is different. I pray that it is. The one thing that worries me right now is that my progesterone is still low. I hope the addition of another cc will make the difference. I know that was why I lost my first angel. (PCOS can cause low progesterone.) I have been having the worst hot flashes today! I feel one coming on even as we speak. Phew, I hope this is normal too! It is probably due to the higher dosage of progesterone. August 22, 2002 I had my blood test today. I hope that it shows my progesterone is on the rise. I return Saturday for another test. The staff all knows I'm pregnant so they kept whispering congratulations to me. Then they asked how I feel. I guess they expect me to be swinging from the rafters with delight. Maybe when six weeks has passed and everything looks good, and again after I have my amniocentisis and make sure the baby doesn't have Down's syndrome. Why can't people see that this may be joyous news but with all the other factors out there to consider, we can't allow ourselves to go there just yet. We have been there, done that and lived the disappointment and heartbreak. The shots are really making my bottom sore. Sleeping and lying down hurt unless I lay on my side. My breasts have begun to ache even more. They ached when I had my first progesterone shot. Now that we have upped it, they are aching more. Oh joy! Plus I find that "assuming the shot position" makes me light-headed. We go to the diabetic clinic Monday with Dr. Evil. I don't care. I want to get started on insulin ASAP, so we will use him for that purpose, and then hopefully, the other doctor will be nicer and we can tell Dr. Evil to kiss our @$$! I hope the next six weeks go by fast.... Just found out that my progesterone levels tested 48 and my HCG was 318, the doctor said this was good news. Yeah! August 24, 2002 My progesterone levels were 52.6 and my hcg was 622 today, so far so good! September 2, 2002 I had my first meeting with the diabetic team and was given insulin and a strict dietary plan to follow. I also will have to check my blood sugar at least 7 times a day now. My ultrasound showed the gestational sac-singular, but it's still too early for a heartbeat. The good news is, it is not in the tube, so that is one crisis we have passed. Our next ultrasound is scheduled for September 12th. This will hopefully not only show the baby, but the heartbeat as well. I am so nervous. I want everything to work out, but I don't want to get overly excited just yet. If they see the heartbeat, I may get to switch from the progesterone shots to the suppositories. I'm all for having one less shot! September 5, 2002 We had a much nicer visit with Dr. Bacevice's registered nurse, Linda today. She even gave me a bagfull of goodies! We met the doctor while waiting to get an ultrasound scheduled. For the brief moment we met him, we knew he was ten times nicer than Dr. Evil. At least this doctor made eye contact with us. They have their own diabetic team so I should be able to switch over everything with no problem. Linda seems very nice. She is from Elyria and was a nurse at EMH in the maternity ward, so I feel confidant about this decision to go with them. Plus, you can't beat the drive--only 8.33 miles! The doctor will deliver out of EMH, Fairview or St. John's. Either one is closer than Cleveland! For the first time since this whole procedure began, I finally felt that it was real. It has been so clinical, and Dr. Evil put me off, so I wasn't feeling the love, so to speak, now I am. Everyone we talk to who knows feels that this pregnancy will be a good one. I sure hope they are right. I feel pretty good about things too, but I still am trying to guard my feelings. David feels the same way I do. We don't want to get too excited just yet, although we have been tossing around names! September 12, 2002 We saw the baby's heartbeat today. It was difficult, at first but they finally found it. It was 135 BPM. Old wive's tales say that a heartbeat under 160 indicates you are having a boy! We are so excited and somewhat relieved. This is another milestone we have passed on our way to having a healthy pregnancy. We will have our next u/s at Dr. Bacevice's office on September 26. I am so anxious and excited. I finally feel like we can relax. September 25, 2002 We had another meeting with Linda today. She is pleased with my blood sugar readings. I am getting the hang of poking my finger 7 times a day and administering the insulin 4 times a day. I have also been told to increase my diet to 2000 calories for the baby's sake. She talked to us today about going to see a dietician they work with who just happens to be in Elyria, working out of EMH. She also suggested we go visit the new birthing center at EMH. She mentioned taking lamaze class. I am getting so excited. Everything seems to be going so smoothly. I really feel good about things. I can hardly even believe I am now 9 weeks along. Tomorrow is our next ultrasound. I can't wait to see our baby again! September 26, 2002 It has all gone horribly, horribly wrong. I am in shock. I cannot believe this is happening again. What was supposed to be a routine ultrasound to see the heartbeat again, has turned into a disaster. They can't find a heartbeat and they can't find the baby! I am beside myself with grief. How can this be happening to us again? It's a terrible nightmare. They have me going to the lab for bloodwork to see if my progesterone levels and hcg levels are going down. I can't believe this is happening. October 8, 2002 It is all over as of today. I had a D&C done. It was horrible. They put me in the OB wing. I could hear the babies in maternity crying. It breaks my heart. I didn't want to go through the miscarriage naturally. I did that the first time, and it was horrid. I feel so angry and hurt and confused. How can this be happening? Why? They are going to run a pathology to see if they can determine if there was a chromosonal issue involved. They also took a lot of blood and will test that too. My heartbreaks. I can't stop crying. Three babies gone. I don't feel like a woman anymore. I do feel like a failure. This ends my IVF Journal. In Loving Memory of our Three Angel Babies: January 1997, August 1997 and October 2002 We will see you in Heaven................. |