It's just one example of the knowledge I have gained about womanhood by watching feminine hygiene ads.
A woman is jogging down a wide, tree-lined sidewalk. She's wearing sleek leggings and her ponytail is flicking about as she bounds down the street. She's working up a light sweat; only a few beads of persperation dot her forehead. But something's on her mind. She can't quite concentrate on running this morning.
Could I be pregnant?
This is what women think about while jogging apparently. Or that's what this commercial for the EPT home pregancy test would have me believe.
It's just one example of the knowledge I have gained about womanhood by watching feminine hygiene ads.
This particular commercial also taught me that it's "good to know." The woman takes the home pregnancy test, but we, the viewer, don't see its results. She returns to jogging and we are left with only one cryptic clue: she tosses a red bouncing ball to a child playing on the grass near her jogging path and says "It's good to know."
Now, I read this symbolically, like the ball represents the ballooning stomach of pregnancy and she tosses it away as a "problem" she no longer is burdened with. Others may see the fact that she tosses it to a child as an affectionate acknowledgement of the future role she will have as a mother, nine months from now.
Regardless, we never know ... and that's why this commercial frustrates me.
But we never know with home pregnancy commercials. We see women looking at the wand and rejoicing, but we don't know if the celebration is "Yeah, no baby!" or "Yeah! I'm finally knocked up!"
I have also learned about the very rare "true" woman by watching these ads.
The world of feminine hygiene commercials is inhabited by a very specific type of woman. She (a)Wears white regardless of what day of her period she's on. (b) has skin that is so clear and pure and white, it's almost blurry. (c)she has best friends who are trying to get her to try new things (like tampons without applicators).
I seldom see these women in the streets and malls of my city, but I see them in abundance on these adverts.
But what real woman on a "Super Plus" flow day is going to wear tight white capris?
I've also learned that the most important advancement for women since the push up bra is readjustable velco wings. Thank you for the women's history lesson, Kotex.
Another commercial said these readjustable wings are more secure than an e-mail password. Yeah! Women know how to use the Internet and can relate to it as a metaphor for their menstration needs!
Speaking of menstration, did you know that now your tampon applicator can be an accessory? Like jewelry or a scarf? That's what the people marketing the new Pearl Tampons from Playtex must be insinuating because why the hell else would you make a applicator pearlesent if you didn't want women to buy it based on glamour appeal? I mean, they do know where these things go, right?
And another universal truth reflected in tampon commercials: guys know nothing about menstration. It doesn't exist to them. This is proven by a Tampax commercial I saw for a new tampon that comes in a wrapper without printing, so no one knows it's a tampon. In this one commercial, this new tampon falls out of some gal's purse and onto the table where her and her boyfriend are dining at a restaurant. The guy picks it up because he thinks it's a sugar packet for his coffee. I can understand. It's easy to confuse a yellow tube-shapped plastic pouch for a Sweet n' Low packet. But guys don't suspect anything about the mythic "menstration," so the secret is safe, especially now that the wrappers aren't printed with: "Tampax: Yes your girl's on the rag!"
Oh, and women are extremely loyal to their tampon brand. So loyal, in fact, that they'll pass up easilly accessible tampons and do outlandishly silly things instead just to get their brand tampon.
Case in point, there's a Tampax commercial where a woman accidentally drops her tampon out a second-story window. She finds other tampons in the bathroom but instead of using these, she strings them together with a piece of gum or something attached to fish out the tampon dropped outside.
Okay, this isn't like wearing Nike- no one sees the brand name of your tampon, they're pretty interchangable. I do have loyalty but if necessity dictated I use another brand, I do.
And then there's the Clean & Clear commercials with the obnoxious teens with perfect skin. They provide important clues about what teen girls are like.
For instance, teen girls are always selling products to their best friends. Witness the salesmanship in this typical excerpt from an acne product commercial:
JENNIFER: "Aw, man! I have a date tonight and now I have a mondo big zit right on my forehead! What am I going to do?"
MEGAN: (reaches into medicine cabinet) "Here, try this, it's new from Phisoderm. Just snap the tip of the Q-tip and zap the zit."
JENNIFER: "Wow, thanks Megan! Now if only we can find a way to zap Mr. Lowenstein's chemistry test!"
BOTH: (giggle, giggle, giggle, hug)
Another thing I learned about teen girls is they are horrified at the icky blemish-causing oils they extract after peeling their pore strips off their nose. But I get the sense that when they inspect the tiny stalagmites of gunk left on the strip, they are equally disgusted and fascinated by what was in their pores.
Teen girls also can let boys fling them around into the ocean at the beach ONLY if they are wearing tampons. This also extends to having general fun with boys, whether it be on Jeep road trips or in amusement parks ... you can't have fun and meet boys when wearing a pad.
But the most radical things I've learned come from those feminist revolutionary commercials, like the one for Soft & Dry deodorant. It's the one where the women are doing this aggressive aerobics routine and a cheesy song in the background claims that the deodorant is "strong and beautiful-- JUST LIKE YOU!" Wow, I am always so empowered after I see that commercial. I can do Tae Bo and be pretty at the same time ... ah, to be a woman.
So through these commercials, with their lame songs ("Pearl girl, she's a pearl girl") and their really earnest women telling us we don't have to struggle with a pad that can bunch and scrunch at night because we can wear tampons for up to eight hours, I have found a voice of sisterhood, and a reaffirmation of what being a woman means to me.