| :::INCOHERENT RAMBLINGS::: |
| ----APRIL 5 2002---- these feelings are too strong to bury underneath, if only i could tell you i loved you, i fell in love with you the first time i laid eyes on you. you are more beautiful than anyone i have ever seen. more beautiful than i can put into words. "i love you" seems so simple doesn't it. |
| a cold cruel day. watching the snow fall on the ashphault. watching my dreams fall down the drain.. then i decided to try something different. something i haven't done in awhile. and there you were. with arms wide open, welcoming me into this life that once kicked me to the curb like i was worth nothing. you brought my sense of life back into these eyes. you brought back a funny feeling to my lips that i never could imagine would happen again. you made me smile. a real smile. not one of those ones i put on my face to make everyone not worry about me. my wings were broken. it's like trying to run on two broken legs. are you what i think you are. probably not. because i know that day will come when i am alone again. with all the worries in the world thrown back on my shoulder. i can't bare this pain. i just want one day, to be something wonderful.something meaningful. so that my life doesn't seem so useless. i am not a superhero am i? just dreaming of something that has no hope in its occurence. no chance in living, no chance in growing. these lines drain from my mind, like i have been thinking them my whole life. but how can that be? you have just walked into it. i try to fool myself. telling myself that things are going to be ok. that things will get better. that i will find the one. the one that will make this heart beat once again at a steady pace. i walked alone. so tired from walking. so tired from all the pain. you have made this cold empty heart have a meaning. have a place to go. maybe they are only baby steps. or maybe i am still crawling, but i am going somewheres right? and not backwards anymore. all i can do is thank you for showing me the way. i hope that someday i can show you too. |
| why do i feel so sure i've done wrong, so fearful my worlds about to collapse? what inside me is so insecure? that i look over my shoulder, and under my bed. searching for monsters just like before. striving to please, to be perfect and pleasant, becuase if i am not and the truth is found out. that the monsters are really me, then what will happen? |
| thirsting for something that just never existed. wishing on stars that were all just an illusion. erase our history and everything that does along with it. i would rather walk alone than through the thorns to be with you. the thorns that looked so beautiful from afar, until you got into detail. then you see the painful truth. it never existed, it was all in my head. it was all just a dream. that i am only now waking from. -- do you know what its like to love so many people, and never get that love returned cause i do -- |
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| ----APRIL 6 2002---- sure you can smoke. i'll just quit breathing. i'm not one to judge others decisions, or life ways, but smoking is something that i have to breathe in everyday, it is destroying so many people daily. and me being one of them. but you don't mind do you, cause it calms your nerves, you are addicted right? its all a head game you play with yourself, you got yourself into it, and you can get outta it again. everyone is adding to the death of ourselves you are destroying the world, and ourselves along with it. 1200 die daily just from smoking related causes, and effects. its disgusting. and to think the brainiac who came up with the idea of addicting nerve calming smoke polluted idea has made millions and millions of dollars just killing 1200 people daily. props to that man (note sarcasm) |
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| ----April 26th, 2002 ---- there is so much i could say. but my mind can't find the words. i drown in tears sinking in dreams. the hope is stolen right out from under my eyes. poisoness screams of messages not thought of when released. choke on your forked tongue as you lie to me again. these lifeless days leave me feeling empty. with no hope of ever getting out. getting out of that manufactured room. windowless. no light can get in. accomplice of my death. keeping my thoughts to myself. more deadly than a bullet to your head. |