Andrew
Cutter
Whoa. Stop right
here for a moment. I have to let you
know. This topic is inane. It doesn’t have a significant impact on the
morality of people. It isn’t going to
solve the Middle East peace issue and, God help us, it won’t get Stephen Harper
out of office. What it will do is bring
justice to the feline family. A family
persecuted during the Middle Ages, the ramifications of which are still felt
today and shown in the only moderate popularity of cats as pets. Cats have fallen from their once lofty
position as gods and heroes of the ancient world. They have too often been put in second place
to dogs as keeper of the human household, as guide and assistant to the human
race, as man’s best friend. No
more. Why? Because, ladies and gentlemen. Cats are better than dogs.
Think about this: four thousand years ago, on the fertile
floodplain of the Nile River, an old Egyptian farmer is driven to the brink of
madness. Why? His crops are suffering extensive damage from
small, ravaging rodents. Because of this
he is poor, he can’t feed his family, and he is disgraced. It was no accident that one day the man
caught sight of a passing wild cat in his fields. The wild cats of the area were renowned for
leaving marred corpses of rats and mice in the streets of the nearby
village. The Egyptian farmer fetched a
saucer of milk and put it out a short distance from his back door. With gentle coaxing the cat came and began to
lap up the milk and entered the heart of humanity forever. Entered and booted out the canine: that vicious
brute that had only temporarily taken up residence there. The cat had taken its rightful place, if not
going so far as to secure it.
Some might ask, “Why didn’t the old man fetch the dog?” and
that is a respectable question. Is the
dog not man’s best friend? Is the dog so
incapable of helping his master that outside help must be sought? Is it that the dog is so profoundly stupid it
is unable to catch a few overindulged mice?
The answer to all of these questions is “Yes.” The dog was only named “man’s best friend”
before the companionship of cats had been sought. The dog is an incapable, clumsy, astoundingly
stupid animal that looks only to receive and never gives. Cats, on the other hand, have been assisting
humans since at least the time of the Ancient Egyptians. In the land of Egypt, the cat was so well
received for its hunting abilities that it was elevated to the status of the
divine. The image of Bast, goddess and
protector of the home was based on the domestic cat. Cats were even mummified and buried with
their owner, and believed to travel with them into eternal life beyond
death. The owner did not seek the
accompaniment of his dog in the everlasting peace of paradise. The superior pet, the cat, was the only one
to join him there.
Despite the fall of the Egyptian empire, cats became more
entrenched in human society both as assistants and as companions. Caesar Augustus was a strong proponent of
using cats to secure the grain supply in his empire, ensuring that a contingent
of felines was at every port to kill raiding rodents. Pope Gregory I greatly appreciated the help
his cat offered with his spiritual life; he insisted on holding the furred
creature every time he prayed. Richard
Whittington won many friends as a
result of the rat-catching activities of his cat. Cardinal Richelieu had
numerous cats for the purposes of rat killing as well as camaraderie. Ernest Hemingway trusted his cat, Mr. Feather
Puss, to baby-sit his infant child.
Winston Churchill’s cat Jock was his “special assistant” in war cabinet
meetings. Even Bill Clinton’s cat,
Socks, helped the image of the philandering United States President by visiting
schools, hospitals, and nursing homes.
Cats have helped the economy, perpetuated religious practices, kept the
gears of government running, eased the stress of family life, furthered the
cause for peace, and kept the sheets of public figures clean. The feline family has enriched the human
social order.
Okay, okay. You get
it. Cats are great. They’re fabulous. They may even equal your own inflated opinion
of canines at this point. But what of
this untested estimation of dogs? What
have dogs been up to in this evolution of history? Why, they’ve been wallowing in self-depravity
and associating themselves with some of humanity’s most evil figures. Hitler’s German Shepherd, Blondi, is well known
to have populated the Earth with Nazi dogs right to the end of his reign of
terror, giving birth to five puppies in April 1945. Richard Nixon’s dog, Checkers helped him keep
track of the United States’ finances to a disparaging end, which included the
Watergate scandal and the general emotional depression that affected America in
the 1950s. George W. Bush also owns a
couple of dogs - take that as you will.
Dogs have an undeniable tie to evil in this world. They have associated themselves with people
that have ravaged human existence and they are responsible for the death of
numerous individuals.
Furthermore, cats are highly valued for their grace and
elegance of movement. They leap from
high place to low place and every place in between with agility that brings
wonder to the human eye. In their
relatively short time coexisting with us, cats have adapted to the regularly
changing features of the hominid household.
Dogs, on the other hand, have been responsible for many clumsy accidents
in the thousands of years they have lived alongside humans. Napoleon Bonaparte’s pug canine, Fortune, is
known to have a temper exceeding even his master’s: once biting him on the leg
for crowding him in bed. Sir Isaac
Newton’s dog, Diamond, is known to have upset a candle and burned a number of
his papers – causing the man to have a nervous breakdown. Who knows what fascinating scientific
discoveries and technological advancements were lost to human civilization that
day? And yet, people still blindly allow
dogs to keep residence in their homes.
The time has come for people to see which is the better
companion. Cats purr; dogs drool. Cats rub your leg for affection; dogs hump
it. Cats bury their own feces; dogs eat
others’. When was the last time a cat
buried its wet nose in your crotch? Or
when was it last that your legs were striped a painful red because a cat
whipped you with its tail? Has anyone
ever criticized you for having cat breath?
Surely not.
It’s time for people to wake up. Wake up and smell the cats. Cats are the only animals that will provide
you with the perfect balance of affection and emotional detachment. Saucy, witty, helpful, cuddly, and cute: cats
have all anyone could desire in a pet.
But, have it however you like. I
know that the next time Garfield kicks Odie off of the end of the table, I’ll
be right there next to him, smiling.
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www.wikipedia.org
www.garfield.com
au.encarta.msn.com
www.catcode.com
www.cat-world.com.au