Andrew
Cutter
Engaging.
Fun.
Absurd. Coquetry has been a
natural and essential part of human procreation since the dawn of civilization. Our large brain, with its superior
intelligence and complex language skills is the equivalent to the peacock’s
tail in the courtship process. Over the
millennia, our brain has developed a method of attracting and retaining sexual
partners. This process has evolved into
a complicated set of subtle body language clues and double entendres: a bending
of the eyebrow, a slip of the hand, even a twitch of the nose may be
interpreted by the opposite sex in a number of different ways. For this reason, the intricate dance that is
flirtation cannot be entered into light heartedly. Only the most courageous of the species
should attempt it. Admittedly, when it
comes to the opposite sex, we all have to be courageous.
The
first thing to know is when to attempt this bit of dalliance. Engaging a passing stranger on the street is
not recommended. However, striking up a
conversation with someone in line next to you at a concession stand or a person
sitting next to you on a bus is acceptable.
The best way to gain the confidence of another is by having an
“in.” Whether this be as an acquaintance
from some previous function or the friend of a friend of a friend, someone with
previous knowledge of your existence is more likely to be open to your
advances.
But
how does one make that first move? The
most appropriate way is a verbal introduction.
One can be more formal: “Good evening, my name is _________, it is
nice to meet you.” Or,
alternatively, a more casual tone of voice can be used: “Hi! How’s it going? I’m _________.” However, both of these situations can be
awkward and reveal your intentions too soon, so one may wish to attempt casual
conversation without introduction.
Common themes like the high cost of a commodity or the atmosphere of
your surroundings are the best topics to choose when trying to get a
relationship on track.
Once you have
engaged the other person, amorous play will come more naturally. Feel free to move beyond the original
conversation topic but within certain limits.
Negative comments about other people or even yourself should be avoided
like avian flu. Compliments should be
withheld until later when you feel more comfortable together. The same can be said about sexual
innuendo. As much as you might like to
bring up flogging the dolphin or meeting her father, such topics are best left
until a degree of amicability has been achieved. A direct discussion about the sexual act is
another red herring in the early flirting scene. Discuss school, future life plans, work, or
travelling you may have done or will do in the future. Avoid gloating about how great you are, but
rather, behave as you are and let her decide for herself your level of
greatness. Humour is a must from the
start of your conversation as well.
Nothing very witty is necessary and all jokes should remain positive. Humour will break the anxiety in a first
encounter and make both you and your target feel more relaxed. This can lead to the development of a
relationship much faster. Conversation
is a great opener but as you shall learn, it’s only a small part of the
coquetry process.
Body
language. The expression “A picture is
worth a thousand words” works for social situations as well. Your appearance, eyes, distance, posture,
gestures, and facial expressions can say much more than your words ever will.
Of
these, eye contact is the most powerful.
Flirting can be initiated through simple eye contact. Such non-verbal signals are useful at noisy
social functions like parties. From
across a crowded room, you can signal your interest in someone by making eye
contact and attempting to hold your target’s gaze for a second. If she returns your gaze, she may be interested
in you. If she looks away for a couple
of seconds and then returns her gaze to you, you can assume she wants to talk
to you. If she returns your gaze with a
smile you can approach her with some confidence. When involved in a conversation eye contact
is all the more important. One should
not stare into her eyes for prolonged periods of time nor should one stare
away. Brief glances are the key. Trying to increase intimacy through too much
eye contact will ultimately lead to an opposite, more threatening effect and a
resultant quick retreat by your target.
Personal
distance can also make or break a flirtation session. Conversations can usually be started at a
couple arm lengths away. If all goes
well, you can move into a single arm length’s distance. However, any closer and you risk entering the
person’s intimate space and this will make them uncomfortable. This space is reserved for very close friends
and should be treated as such.
While
communicating with your flirtee, maintain an open stance. Do not fold your arms and avoid leaning or
turning your body away from the other person.
Also, be a good listener. This
doesn’t just mean shutting up; it includes giving both verbal and non-verbal
responses to show that you are taking an interest in what she is saying. As well, a quick summation of what she has
said followed up with encouragement to continue is useful. “So you ran into the brick wall and broke
your nose?! My goodness! Then what happened?” Asking open questions is also
important. Questions demanding a simple
‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer will lead nowhere.
Most importantly, it is essential that you give all of your attention,
both facially and bodily to the one with whom you are trying to communicate.
It
is also important to display a sense of confidence. This can be expressed through outward hand
gestures and steady flowing speech.
However, it is important not to appear too cocky or self-obsessed: both
of which are definite turn-offs.
Distracting and repulsive personal hygiene activities such as nose
picking and digging at your ears must be avoided at all costs. Such habits may go unnoticed by yourself and
should be discovered and routed out immediately, no matter what social
situation you are in.
Touching
can be the extra push to flirtation that determines the outcome of an
encounter. Touches should be reserved to
the arm and nowhere else. While shoulder
touching or a pat on the back may seem innocuous, they are often interpreted as
patronizing and should not be used.
Finally,
tone of voice. It is important to remain
sincere in what you say. Don’t
compliment her more than you mean and don’t lie about yourself. A careful balance of formal and casual
language is also important. One can be
too formal, calling a woman “pulchritudinous,” or too casual, referring
to her as “groin-grabbingly good.”
Both of these terms can be exchanged for “beautiful.” Avoid reproachful words that could be placed
under the category of ‘swears.’ It is
also very important to avoid sneers; don’t degrade others. You must focus on the product you are selling
rather than putting down the products you think she should not buy in to.
It may seem like a
lot to remember but much of it will occur instinctually. One goal of flirtation is to become so good
that you won’t even notice when you’re doing it. The coquetry process will become a natural
part of your every day interactions with the opposite sex. One can never downplay the importance of
practice. Only through practice will you
bring out your natural flirt as well as develop the extra tools that will bring
you that notch above other men in the relationship scene.
Of course, the
ultimate goal of flirtation is that activity that is the breeding of the germ
of sociality; the fulfillment of the desire for union, wholeness, and
completion; the act of procreation that leads to the continuation of the
species and thus immortality. In short:
sex. The end of a just-for-fun flirting
session can be brought about with a simple good bye; however, the man who
wishes for the relationship to go further must pluck up some more courage. A request for her phone number or for
another meeting is the only solution.
But that’s where my advice ends.
After the start of a relationship, flirting turns into romancing, lust
into love. At that point, the only
people to have experienced what you experience together are yourselves. No persons before you have had the same
relationship. It will burn in your soul,
ache in your flesh, and ignite your nerves.
There isn’t anyone who can tell you how you should behave when that
happens.