| Mommy's Story |
| My story.... hmm.. where do I start? Well first off, my name is Nicole, and I am the proud mommy of two precious little girls; Bryttnee and Brietta, and also my own little angel baby, Brayden. While my girls are my life, Brayden is my breath!I don't think that any mother realizes the special bond that a mother and son feel until they hold that little boy closely in their arms. My girls are Daddy's girls... there's no doubt! Brayden, he was Mommy's boy. Alot of confusion did and still does surround me with Brayden's death.I ask the one main question that every mother in this place asks every day "WHY?" I think in some ways that I was being prepared for this from the beginning, that he was meant to be here for a short time, and that's the way that it was going to be. From the moment that they told me that he had a very high risk of having trisomy-18, I feared this.Eventually I was able to get by that, and then when I delivered they talked me out of having my tubes tied as "You never know with SIDS... "Between those warnings and my dreams, fear overwhelmed me. He never left my sight... I checked 50 times a night to see if he was still breathing. I always felt that if he were to stop breathing and I was sleeping right there, that I would know..... guess not.I believed in what other people say is mother's intuition.I believe in mother's intuition don't get me wrong, I just don't think that if something is meant to happen and written in the stars. you aren't meant to witness the most heartbreaking things you will ever see, and be completely helpless. I don't know that I could have handled being helpless, to watch it. I think that most importantly mother's who are just coming into this tragedy, they need to realize that no matter what... no matter if you were right there when they stop breathing or whether you are sleeping soundly in your bed, it doesn't matter. These are special babies, that have their own special purpose... they are God's little messengers, and he always comes for his little treasures. I personally thank God for trusting me with his most beautiful angel, giving me the chance to know an angel, and showing me the power of miracles. It was a miracle to have ever even held my little boy, not with the way that I was scared from the start... but I held him and I had him for 4 months. To all of my friends and family.... I want to say thank you, thank you for helping me through the hardest time of my life. But I remember during that time my Grandma telling me that I am strong like her... and I am. I still live, I still love. and I will still continue to do so, I want my angel to be proud to say to his angel friends "That's my mommy!" My most darling Brayden, I don't know where to start... there is so much that I want to say to you.I miss you so very much, and I wish more than anything that I could turn back time. I want to hold and kiss you so badly, even if it were just for a moment. You brought smiles and love into all of our lives, and we are so grateful for you! Not a day, not a moment passes that you aren't in my mind... I lay there at night, thinking of you. I hope that Tara and Shane are there holding you, and I know that Papere is teaching you all those boy things... even buying you a spoon or two. Matante Dianne I know is loving each moment, as she surely misses her own boys. Heaven must be beautiful, even moreso now that you are there. Your sisters are growing beautifully, and they ask about you regularly, and they are now proud to talk about their angel brother, as is their mommy!I know my little man, that we will always have tomorrow... it's just getting through today that hurts so badly. I miss you so very much, and love you so much that it hurts. Please my darling, continue to watch over us, and continue to let us know that you are right here, right next to us, when we walk, when we play, when we laugh, and there to wipe our tears when we cry. We know that you are here!And we love you! Sleep well my angel.... Tomorrow! Mommy |
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