| Who satisfies Todd’s heart?: A History of T-Mau’s Loves By Evan Engel Everyone knows that the best things come in threes: Threesomes, Charlie’s Angels, Regan/alcohol/a tub, etc. For Toddy “T-Mau” Maurer, the best trio to come from his life is his middle-school girlfriends. Since his fun-filled days at Twelve Corners, Todd has been with many women of many races, but he has never topped his TCMS conquerings. Back when he was in his prime, the Red Dragon was an unstoppable ball of hormones and red pubes. Now shriveled and weak like Mrs. Buck’s penis, Toddy is forced to sit alone on Friday nights and remember his Fearsome Threesome as he tries to rub one out. Let’s take a look: Alison Manchester: Proof that first love never dies. Todd started dating Alison in 6th grade, but problems quickly arose when his brother started calling her “Man Chest Hair.” Memorable moments include meetings at Starbucks, double dates with Amy Gordon and Nate Gindele, and of course intercourse. Alison and Todd don’t talk much anymore, but it’s probably because they’re too busy mentally undressing each other. They broke up at the end of 6th grade because Todd didn’t want to go to a Rhinos game or something. Suzy Lull: Ah, Suzy Lull. Suzy dated Todd from October to June of 7th grade. In that time, she never once got pregnant, despite the fact that whenever she touches latex she swells up like that purple girl in “Willy Wonka.” Suzy (a.k.a. “Boozy”) had Todd whipped like he was a horse on one of those horse-whipping things. I can remember a million times when Todd couldn’t come burn stuff with me because he was gonna go “hang out” with Suzy. Loser. Anyway, Suzy was always my favorite because she had lots of parties and I always got the invite. If things had gone a little differently, maybe I could have had a thing with Suzy. Damn my black muskrat-like hair. Todd broke up with Suzy over the Internet, and a few days later Spencer Powell did the same to Lauren Anderson. Beth Harris: Easily the most memorable of the Todd relationships. Todd went risky by dating his ex-girlfriend’s best friend, but the reward was gi-normous. These two young lovers loved from October to June of 8th grade. Problems arose when Todd couldn’t go ice-skating with Beth because Colls wasn’t sure if she wanted him dating girls. Still, T-Mau and Beth managed to have a close relationship, though it was impossible for them to stay under Colleen’s radar since Brianne Bauer told her mom everything they did. Memorable moments include double dates with Jenna and Chris, spoon-feeding each other, and Chatterbox, where Beth spent most of her time telling Todd to, “Stop looking at my boobs.” The two broke up because Beth was too cool for him. This couple’s flame was rekindled a year later in Todd’s basement with the famous “Satisfy me” incident. And she did. At print time, Todd had yet to top his 12-14 year old energetic escapades. Todd is currently with some Italian chick, but I’m pretty sure that she’s got nothing on the Fearsome Threesome. No word on Todd’s plans for the future, but I have a feeling we’ll soon find out how he takes his Coffey. Anyway, Todd wouldn’t say which one is his favorite, but it’s probably Suzy. I mean, c’mon. |
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