My 1979 YWAM Diary

autobiographical notes written in 1979 when YWAM leaders believed I was demon possessed and turned me over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh.

Now including that eventful day -- March 16, 1979

by Greg Robertson

All this information, unless in bold face type or brackets, is from the 1979 original. Some material that I believe people will find particularly boring has been abridged. Of particular interest is the entry for March 16th.

In this diary you will see what was going on inside of me as I was a "radical disciple" and completely dedicated YWAMer. When I went to work with YWAM's Truth Press International (TPI), I had already been a full time YWAMer for about two and a half years in the International Office which was at the time in the Sunland/Tujunga area of Southern California. When I joined YWAM I knew no theology, but by the time I wrote this diary I was a "full-on" YWAM product. When young people with no theological training are sent off with YWAM, they are easy prey for false doctrine, deceiving spirits and controlling leadership.

At that time in YWAM the general practice was to find the secret messages in Scripture. In our minds God would lead us to a verse about "going down to Joppa" or some such thing, but it would be applied to a present situation and called divine guidance. Those who were able to master this kind of spirituality rose to the top and became the guides for the rest of us who were still struggling and trying to get it right. I was under that rather esoteric spirituality when I wrote this diary and in my mind I had a choice: either spiritually submit to God in what He was secretly speaking to me, or spiritually submit to my leaders whom I believed were not correctly hearing God's voice in many cases.

My most serious problems began when I switched the hierarchy of values promoted in 1979 YWAM. Because it was believed that unity was the most important thing needed to evangelize the world, it was placed at the top of the values list. And to have unity, a person must submit to leaders -- thus, entered the Shepherding Movement (these days the same kind of practice is taking place, but now they call it the restoration of apostles and prophets). 

I remember a sermon by Loren Cunningham where he said he believed that the reason Ananias and Saffira dropped dead in the early church was because they were a threat to the unity of the believers and it was because of the achievement of unity that the early church was so successful in evangelism. (Now, in the year 2000, I believe Ananias and Saffira dropped dead because the credibility of the early Christians was of utmost importance, or else the entire body of NT documents could be called into question. If such stringent demands for credibility were enforced today we would see entire mission organizations wiped out and the bodies of Word Faith practitioners would have to be buried in mass graves due to lack of space!) 

In my YWAM Daze, all the other things about radical Christian discipleship, hearing the voice of God, and even Moral Government Theology, fell under the highest value -- unity. 

Although there were frustrations from the beginning of my German YWAM Daze, and the leaders were aware of some of my conflicts, they did not interpret it as demonic until I switched the hierarchy of values and placed personal obedience to the Lord above the value of unity.  Below are listed some of the aggravations I was dealing with:

1. The YWAM rules called for members to complete a DTS and SOE before being allowed to become full time staff. This rule was passed over for a group of people who came from Colorado to operate Truth Press International.

2. Although the group from Colorado had not fulfilled the rules for a staff position, one of them was placed over me as "the Lord's appointed and anointed," I was a bindery person and he was a pressman and boss of the print shop. After the group from Colorado had arrived and began working with TPI, they went through the SOE.

3. In my "YWAM-educated opinion," the Lord's appointed and anointed was not even a Christian. Looking at him from my perspective today I would not judge him like that, even if he wasn't as "radically dedicated to Christ" as I was in "the self righteous snobbery of my YWAM Daze." I was very much into the "radical call to discipleship" of Finney, Olson, Otis, Pratney, Cunningham, Brother Andrew and all the top leadership and Christian heroes constantly praised in YWAM. My leader in the print shop was into skiing, taking pictures of beautiful German scenery and reminiscing about beautiful Colorado. I remember at one lunch period where he was showing the pictures he took of a communist parade. I recalled a quote from Brother Andrew in his Introduction of To Munich with Love (an early YWAM book) where he called Christians to be as radical as the communists: "The Communists are told: 'Everything we do, such as sports, cultural exchange, tourism, etc., is an act of war . . .' This, coupled with the fact that they have no spectators, is the reason why almost half of the world is within their fearsome borders. And all this happened in less than fifty years." (Chick Publications, 1972, p. 9) I freely reprimanded the "Lord's Anointed" for touring to take pictures of communists marching instead of marching himself. On our lunch breaks I wanted to go down town to pass out tracks, but my "worldly" boss never wanted to.

4. Because a whole group of people who had been friends for a while came to Hurlach together to work with TPI, they had already established relationships and supported each others' likes and dislikes. Although I had already been on full time staff for two and a half years, I was like the new kid on the block.

5. Sometimes my print shop leader would secretly talk about YWAM policies and activities which he believed were stupid, weird or misinformed. (According to Ken Blue in Healing Spiritual Abuse, gossip is often the result when organizations have an unwritten "no talk" rule.)

6. "God told" one of the leaders (somehow the leaders were always better at hearing His voice!) of TPI that we were to print 50,000 copies of a magazine he had put together to be distributed to Christians throughout Germany. Our print shop was small and we were in no way equipped for such an enterprise, but obeying the voice of the Lord was mandatory, so we labored for a month or two on the magazines, then placed all the boxes in the YWAM' Castle attic. In the print shop we complained a lot about the lack of space and the ridiculousness of printing 50,000 copies. After a few months the attic floor on which we stacked the boxes was sagging from the weight. The project was completed long before I left YWAM but we had only been able to distribute about 3,000 copies. 

7. When I joined YWAM the rules were that we were not allowed to ask for support from our local church, we were to simply pray and ask God to send us the necessary finances. But when the group came from Colorado the rules had changed. My leader in the print shop asked his home congregation for $600 a month to support him (in 1976). 

8. It bothered me that we believed "we had the key to truth" and yet were told not to share Moral Government Theology with those outside the group because "they might not understand." I did not care whether they understood or not and believed that we must do everything we could to convince them of the MGT truth.

9. Blind loyalty was demanded of us from our flock group leaders.

Now, to the diary:

[Inside front cover]

Tagesbuch von Greg Robertson, 1979, Schloss Hurlach, D-8931 Hurlach -- angefangen 31.1.79

31 Januar -- Brian gave me this book tonight. Thanks Lord, I ask you to help me to use it faithfully!

Flock group tonight -- we went over the important points that Dave made today in the staff meeting. God wants to give us a unity in the faith, it should be seen in a practical outworking through our 1. Praise 2. Intercession 3. Service (relationships)

Jane and I went by the Schmidt's before the Flock group and visited shortly.

1 Februar -- I lead the prayer meeting tonight for those that have a burden for Hurlach 8:30 p.m. -- The prayer meeting was seemingly good, many took part and the Lord is giving understanding about what he wants from us concerning Hurlach, -- it starts with our heart.

Mike and I went to it again today and I feel the Lord has now given me the release to leave the print shop in one month, I am starting right now to seek the Lord seriously about this release to find out for sure if it is something he wants to do at this time.

(note of 11.2.79 -- it seems to be pretty well confirmed that this is the Lord's will about me leaving the shop.)

3 Februar -- Went to Schwabmunchen and Augsburg today. Ended up spending a lot of time with Willi Weiner [Note of 4/2000 -- real name of German artist whom I once picked up hitchhiking and sometimes visited and witnessed to.], he showed me his art exhibit and we talked a lot about the Lord. He's really open but is also deep in darkness. I hope the Lord can get through to him.

4 Februar -- Did book table Augsburg. Talked with Brian about my thoughts and guidance for joining German society.

5 Februar -- Spoke with Dave about what I feel the Lord is saying to me about leaving. A lot of bitterness could be seen in my way of speach (sic). The elders are having a prayer meeting tonight about the whole situation.

6 Februar -- Called Dave from work and asked for prayer that the root of bitterness would be taken out of my life and that I would be released in forgiveness. Also asked Jonah and Jonathan to pray for me.

7 Februar -- Received a forgiving spirit today which of course showed itself in the print shop relationships.

Janice was really freed from a condemnation that she has been carring (sic) aroud (sic) for a long time during the flock group tonight. We had a wonderful time in the Lord. Janice broke down in tears before the Lord and us during the Lords (sic) ministry to her.

8 Februar -- Don Stephens shared in the staff meeting about the ship, etc.

Prayer meeting with the people that have a burden for Hurlach.

9 Februar -- Dinner with Augsburg Military (sic) people. I got to know Chaplain Cook better and we had a very wonderful night. Sally went with me.

Valentines day (sic) Dinner (sic)

10 Februar -- Talked with Dave about my going. He feels the issue is not about going or staying but what God wants to do in my life. I feel the Lord would have me proceed with what he (sic) is saying to me and that inner healing will come as I proceed in what I believe to be his (sic) will.

Played chess in the Landsberg Prison tonight and talked with one of the guards there. he (sic) said that the Pastors (sic) are there on tuesdays (sic), at our Castle meal I saw Albrecht and a brother named Andreas from Kaufering. Albrecht said that the people at the prison would really like to see something happen and are even open that singing services with testimonies could take place.

11 Februar, Sonntag -- Had a nice day!

Went to Flack and Tim Boe went with but we didn't do books.

12 Februar -- Had a real good talk with Chico today at the lunch table. Felt a real leading of the Holy Spirit!

Prayed and shared with Alice at the Warringtons, we had really a great time and really are expecting the Lord to do great and mighty things in Hurlach and the surrounding area but most of all in the little group of us that are praying and seeking God's face together.

14 Februar -- Have been reading some of Charles Finney's stuff, (Systematic Theology, Repentance and Impenitence, Faith and Unbelief, and have really been getting blessed. (sic)

Flock group -- prayed for my bitter heart, spoke out forgiveness for my dad on certain points but feel there is still something deeper that is keeping bitterness in me.

See notebook concerning bitterness issue / I received mind blowing Light on the Subject. [I can tell this last note was written at a different time than the first entry because it was written with a different ink pen. GLR 4/2000]

15 Februar -- Pray for Mike

• Priority --  Seek God to do and speak into my life what he is after.

• relationship to dad

• team leaders, mike, tom, warren, any girls.

• anyone that I would have roots of Bitterness toward because of being rejected.

• Make restitution to: Marriane W., John B., Keith W., Jim O. -- tap on the shoulder, Carol B.

[The way I listed the foregoing notes makes me think they were instructions I received from my flock group leader or something. GLR 4/2000]

I believe God is showing me that there are two kinds of bitterness. There is a bitterness against God and there is a bitterness against man for disobeying God and making the words of God of none effect. Eze. 3:14, Lam. 3:5,15

Received a visit from Reiner and Herbert. We talked for hours about what it means to be a Christian and to have a relationship with God. have begun to study deeply about bitterness and have found some very interesting things.

16 Februar -- Scriptures on Bitterness NASB concordance

Ex. 1:14 -- Bitterness with hard labor

2 Kings 14:26 -- Affliction of Israel was very bitter

Matt. 26:75 -- Went out and wept bitterly

Isa. 5:20 -- Woe to those who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.

Job 10:1 -- bitterness of my soul.

Prov. 14:10, 17:25 -- heart knows its own bitterness.

Eph. 4:31 -- Let all bitterness and wrath be put away.

Heb. 12:15 -- no root of bitterness

Isa. 38:15-17 -- What shall I say? For he has spoken to me and he himself has done it; I shall wander about all my years because of the bitterness of my soul. (words of Hezekiah)

Lamentations 3:5 -- He has besieged and encompassed me with bitterness and hardship.

Lam. 3:15 -- He has filled me with bitterness.

Rom. 3:14

Eze. 33:30-33

Isa. 58:2

Eze. 3:14 -- So the Spirit lifted me up and took me away and I went embittered in the rage of my Spirit, and the hand of the Lord was strong upon me. 

God, through Samuel, rebuked Saul, a king, for his insubordination and rebellion. 1 Sam. 15:22-23

for Ray L. Eze. 33:17 concerning Ray's statement that God is not fair. [I had an argument with a leader who claimed that God was not fair in his treatment of people -- I argued that God was fair, and that it was man who is unfair.]

Prayer for Wolfgang H. and the decision that the vorstand must make on the House on the walking street in Augsburg. Received an exhortation from J. Babcock from Eph. 5:15-17 was a powerful meeting after the exhortation from John.

17 Februar -- Leaders shall suffer a greater judgement than those being led, therefore leaders should have a greater fear of God than those being led. If subjects under leadership have a greater fear of God than the leadership, what then?

19 Februar -- have been studying and thinking in every spare moment now for about four days straight, that includes two days in the print shop with no work to do and a saturday that was about 90% free. God has been revealing some really heavy things to me about himself and some of our relations to him. I have the impression that God wants me to write a book!?

For Keith W. -- You need a discerning of spirits which will come natural as you seek and grow in the Fear of the Lord.

The Lord visited me tonight with his presence powerfully, it wasn't until after two that I finally could go to sleep. His presence is the joy of Heaven, My mind was lifted to understand things that were before just empty words. [This note was in a special bracket.]

Because the church has such a messed up theology the punch is taken out of preaching.

20 Februar -- Subjects brought up, questions asked, discussions held this week from the 19th on in Print Shop [by my leader].

1. how is my work going? (when asked if he meant how it was going with me, question was referred back to work)

2. What day do I plan on going to Augsburg this week?

3. Do I want something to drink? Tea or orange juice?

4. Do you want to pray from over there or sit at the table?

5. Are you going to eat today?

6. I can't wait to get my shoe fixed.

tue. -- 1.Shared morning news about world affairs and spoke of sins committed in different places around the world -- z.b. [? -- Oh! "zum beispiel" = for example] looting, people breaking out of prison. Had a time of prayer before work that was surface and uncommitted of which I could not take part. wed. -- developments and reasons for the war between China and Vietnam (nothing to do with the spiritual world), camera stores, paper, hot water, print shop machines, work (not the work of the Lord but the work of the print shop.)

The week was continued and finished with worldly talk.

21 Februar -- Vision (Gottfried)

We (as T.P.I.) were sitting in a circle and a hand came down from above to push a mustard seed into the ground. The seed in a very short time grew up into a healthy bush. Then all of us raised our hands unto the Lord in praise.

23 Februar -- Had a word for edification this morning during the praise time but as soon as I opened my mouth and said a few words, I was told to sit down by Brian Pollard. Don Kirkby spoke a word from Matt 9:27-31 and as we were formed into groups to pray I wrote Scriptures down for Brian. Matt --9:27-31, Eze. 3:8-15, 1 Cor. 14:26-33