Handling Kids' Aggression When children hit, bite, scratch or spit, our first reactions - punishing, lecturing, hitting or biting back - often make matters worse. What works better is kind and firm: structure, love, training and follow-through. It helps to remember that children showing aggression are not bad; they are discouraged about how to meet their needs for belonging and significance.

Next, take time for training. Explain briefly to your child that, "People are not for biting. If you decide to bite, I'll put you down." or, "When we're angry, we use our words, not our fists. If you decide to hit, we'll have to leave Johnny's house." Then, when your child bites you as you hold him, put him down immediately but gently and say in a calm tone, "I will spend time with you when you're ready to not bite." Walk away and get busy with something else. It's OK if he pitches a fit; let him. Rejoin him when he's calm. When your child hits her playmate, take her by the hand to the car and explain, "You can try again another day, when you're ready to play without hitting." She may scream in protest, and you need to follow through calmly. If aggression occurs between siblings, avoid increasing their rivalry: stay out of the middle. Separate them without blaming or judging: "You kids can be together when you're ready to play without hitting (biting, etc.)."

Finally, teach your child acceptable ways to express his angry and hurt feelings. Ask him to tell you about it, invite him to draw a picture or make up a story about what he wishes he could do. Give him a bop bag to punch. Give him words: You're angry because she took too long with the toy! Set an example. When you acknowledge and express your own strong feelings in safe and respectful ways, your child has a model to follow and can learn that all feelings are acceptable, even when actions need to be limited.